The Dark Princess
by broken.empty.doll
Summary: A mobster's daughter has to run from New York to Japan. She ends up as a yakuza boss and by threatening some people, at Ouran Academy. How will she actually deal with all these rich people? Will she get fed up and one day snap? Or will someone close to her betray her once again? OC-centric, eventual Kyoya/OC/Kasanoda
1. This sinking feeling

**Chapter One: This Sinking Feeling**

* * *

**You can get much further with a kind word and a gun then you can with a kind word alone.**

_**Al Capone**_

**This life of ours, this is a wonderful life. If you can get through life like this, hey, thats great. But it's very, very unpredictable. There are so many ways you can screw it up. **

_**Paul Castellano**_

* * *

Rumors spread fast in any high school. They spread even faster at Ouran Academy: the playground for the extremely rich and relatively beautiful. Their motto: lineage counts first, wealth a close second. Well this school was going to seemingly get a dog. It was only a week into the school year and already there was a transfer. This is where the rumors started. And boy did they start.

But what made these rumors one of a kind was that they surrounded one girl and the information on the girl was desperately scarce. As you might have guessed, she is the transfer in this tale. What we know about her is minimal at best. Her whole existence was practically myth. You will see that this girl is real but for the beginning she is shrouded in mystery. But maybe we should tell you a little bit about her. It would be the polite thing to do.

The girl was from America and her nickname was the Dark Princess. A very terrible nickname I do agree, but unlike how it might be, it suited her. In addition the nickname preceded her transfer. The nickname wasn't started in Japan but rather in the glittering city of New York. This is where the information got a little unreliable.

It was said that she was a mafia boss's daughter. Then they branched out and said that she was the mafia boss herself. The rumors were even as bold as to say that she had killed other mafia families and was running from the American government. Others were even more ridiculous and said that she was really an assassin who was paying tuition with her blood money.

This tale, you will learn that not everything is as it seems. Some of these rumors are true. Others are so absurd that they make me laugh and chuckle. I guess I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm the girl. I am the Dark princess.

I am the girl who came to Japan with a certain mission. But you wouldn't know that would you. As the saying goes, if I tell you I would have to kill you. Maybe if you guys grow on me, I'll let you know. I really like keeping you guys waiting is all, but I guess I can tell you where I came from. In short, the rumors are true. I was in the mafia. I was adopted and taken in by a mafia boss. Well, he wasn't the boss when he took me in, but he became boss around the time I turned twelve.

My father is boss of the Lucchese crime family. We're one of the five crime families in New York, so goes to say, we're pretty much famous. That makes us feared everywhere. I met my father when I accidently walked in on a drug bust. The cops had been waiting outside a warehouse building that I had recently shacked up in. When I went inside, there standing in the middle of what I had called my living room was a bunch of criminals.

My ten year old self was very scared, but when they asked me what I was there for, I mentioned the cops were outside. So unknowingly I aided their escape and was taken down to the police station for questioning. The police, seeing that I was actually innocent, sent me back to the foster home I had initially run away from.

That was my first interaction with crime. Of course, it wasn't like I went out and tried it again by myself. Instead the exact same thing happened after I ran away from my foster home for the second time. This time I tried to stay under the Brooklyn Bridge. Of course, the Lucchese family had to be doing another drug trade and of course, the cops were waiting, and of course, I just happened to save them. Again. The cops took me to the station, but this time they didn't let me go.

I remember sitting in that cell, alone because everyone else was there for some deep shit and the cops didn't want other criminals to hurt me. But then there was a shadow. Through my crying eyes, a shadow hid me from the world and then a soft voice spoke to me. They told me that they had paid the bail set for me and that I got to go home. I remember chuckling and telling the man I didn't have a home. He said, that he would give me one, one with him.

My new home was the Lucchese family and my new father was none other than the mafia boss Steven Crea. Of course, he was only underboss at the time. But when he did become boss, he taught me everything I know now. He taught me that wherever I went, if I had my memories, I would never be alone. The Lucchese crime family took me and by the time I turned thirteen, I was inducted into their ranks. My dad wanted me to become the family attorney, but I wasn't cut out for it. We could all see that I didn't speak as eloquently as I should with strangers, and that my panic attacks when I wasn't with my gang were frequent.

So instead, as the rumors said, I became a mafia boss. Of course it was of only the Brownsville crew, or the Vario crew, in Brooklyn, but it was still a large crew and we still did illegal things. Things started to really change when I became boss. Being fifteen, I went to the best schools. Steven always making sure I got the education I deserved. But what I did do well in the gangs, was also what I did at school. I learned. I learned the best ways to avoid the cops, at the same time that I learned math.

Because I learned so well, I became one of the best Caporegimes—leaders—my father ever had. So, on my fifteenth birthday, my father allowed me to play in a death match. Now you might think video games and players controlling chess pieces on a board, and that's what they are. But it's more complicated than that, because instead of wooden pieces there are real humans and instead of people on a controller there are mob bosses.

Now, you're probably thinking that my father hates me or doesn't care about me that much if he is risking my life. At the time I would have agreed. I was confused as to why he would take me in, and then use me like a worn out rag ready to discard. I learned why he did this when I finished the game. He did it because he believed in me. He did it because he had now doubt I would win.

I became the Dark princess after that, playing in death matches and being the one who orchestrated them. I became undefeated when wielding the Vario crew and my legacy spread throughout the country. My father was proud of me. I was proud of myself. I was like a Dark princess, who played her games in the shadow of her father. But I won these games, so my men wouldn't die, so our men wouldn't lose so easily.

But now I'm just rambling. I seem to do that a lot when it's just me. I can also tell that you want to know where I fit in in Japan. The real answer is something that I really shouldn't tell you, but I probably won't ever meet you. I hope. If I do, that means you're either dead or about to be tortured until you're dead.

The reason I'm coming to Japan is because I messed up. I technically didn't do anything wrong. No, I just got the short end of the stick. The rumor you heard about me coming to Japan because I was running from the police is spot on. But I wasn't caught because I wasn't careful. No, someone just ratted me out. Father took care of him before he sent me off of course, but Father had to make sure that I would be protected wherever I might go.

So he made sure that I was going to be welcomed on the other side of whatever plane I took. That plane was headed for Tokyo and I was going to be welcomed by one of my father's associates. Father knew that I could never return to America. I think I'm actually on the FBI's most wanted list—a seventeen year old on the FBI's wanted list, picture that!

So he had me get a gang over in Japan, or rather should I say Yakuza. But not just any Yakuza. He got me the yakuza which gets in wars every now and then. He got me the yakuza who doesn't take allies He got me he yakuza which just so happens to be the rival of the largest yakuza out there. Father got me the yakuza which had problems. Problems which take time and money and many life or death games to actually fix. Now, I'm boss of Dojin-kai.

Father actually planned it right. He knows that wherever they send me, I'll make a gang. Gangs are my life, literally and figuratively speaking. How else would people like me get the love of family? So now I have to worry about this new gang, because they didn't come without enemies. I think that's the main reason they allowed me in: because they know that they can't handle them by themselves. I have to worry about moving the whole syndicate to Tokyo also.

So, before I went to Ouran Academy, I took care of that stuff. Well, more or less took care of that stuff. I'm still trying to get the syndicate settled in Tokyo. Plus I now have to look out for the Kasanoda-gumi syndicate. But I can do that at Ouran because their boss's kid goes there. But all in all it was good. That is, until the minute I stepped foot onto Ouran Academy grounds. This is my sort of story. The story which I'm still living and I'm still dreading.

* * *

The first thing I thought was, 'I'm going to throw up'. This foreboding feeling entered my body the minute I stepped through the gates of Ouran Academy. Then, I actually looked at the school. The school was pink in color and huge. I stared at it for a while, wondering if I could just go to a regular high school. I shook my head in protest. Don't want to be with normal people. Can't deal with Kasanoda like that.

"_I have to go in"_ I muttered in English to myself. Subconsciously playing with my lip piercings and clutching my long board tighter, I sighed. I pushed my hair behind my ear and felt my piercings there. Maybe I should have taken them out, I wondered as I went towards the office. But then again, I didn't even have a uniform yet, so it would probably won't matter.

I walked through the empty halls, and felt the sinking feeling again. Maybe I was really nervous. It is nerve-wracking to get into the high school for the rich and pretty all the while being a mob boss. I sighed, tucking my hair behind my ear once more. It was a nervous twitch I just couldn't shake. After five minutes, I found the office and to my surprise, no one there.

"Um, hello," I called in Japanese. My accent was terrible. Father had been preparing to send me to Japan while I was still under investigation, so I knew just about everything. Well, I really hope I know everything.

"Yes," an older woman came to the desk and gasped. She took in my appearance and I could feel my cheeks turning red under her scrutiny. She had her hair in a bun and wore a blue suit.

I on the other hand, looked nothing of the sort. My hair was dyed a blond at the tips and cut to be a short shaggy bob. The rest of my hair was a deep black which rivaled the color of my soul. My hair did nothing to hide the many piercings in my ears. My right held an industrial, double lobes, an orbital and a cartilage at the top. The left ear held double lobes, four cartilage, an orbital and my favorite a snug. The bangs of my haircut hid my forehead and partially hid my dark green eyes.

Looking to the woman, she further studied me and I bent my head down in pure embarrassment. Fiddling with my snake bite piercings, I wondered how my outfit seemed to her. I wore black skinny jeans with holes in the knees. My shoes were regular old black vans and my shirt was merely a white v-neck. Bandages under my hair in the back of my head hid the tattoo I had just gotten. I finished off the look with a dark purple cardigan. My outfit was somewhere between 'I look like I should be in a gang' with 'my mother made me wear a nicer top and a cardigan'.

Actually my whole look screamed foreign. I screamed foreign. My skin wasn't the pale white like the rest of the population. Instead my tone was an olive that rivaled that of the Italians. Then my body shape wasn't petite. It wasn't even that athletic. It was muscled. Instead of being stick thin, I had the curves of a fully grown woman. I wasn't a size 2 or 4, rather a larger size 8. Nothing about me said I was supposed to be here. But I can't help that now. Sighing, I looked up once more and steadied myself.

"I am here," I began in Japanese with my heavy accent, "to get m-my schedule."

"You're then new student?" she asked a little fast. I looked at her in the eyes and saw a different emotion than arrogance run through them. There was a certain amount of fear.

"Yes. I'm Susan Crea," I replied. Her eyes went wide and all life drained from her face. She went to the desk behind her and gathered some papers into her hand. Turning back to me, she gave me them, her hand shaking with fear. She came around the front desk and went to the door to the right. I waited, long board and schedule in hand, for her to speak again.

"Kazama-san," she said to the person on the other side of the door, "the girl is here."

"Send her in," came from the other side. The woman looked to me and I started walking towards and through the door. On the other side was a large room. The huge windows cast light at an older man at his desk. The man wore a suit and had glasses, a mustache and a small beard.

"Crea-san, I hope it wasn't too much of a hassle finding the office," the man said slowly. He put his hands together and brought them to his face in a thinking pose. I approached the desk and sat gently in one of the chairs in front of him.

"No, sir," was my only reply. I was still embarrassed from how the secretary stared at me. Her fear was normal. Once people learned I was a mobster, they really didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I didn't care. I had my gang to hang out with anyway.

"I am assuming that you will get a uniform by the end of this week," he said slowly again. I glared slightly at him, not liking how he had to speak slowly for me to understand him. He took the glare as me not liking his words and he quickly backpedaled his words, saying, "not that your outfit is in anyway immodest, but the students will be sure to talk. We don't want anyone getting hurt, is all."

"No one here will get hurt," I told him softly. His face softened but hardened again when I said, "If they leave me alone, I will leave them alone also."

"Very well then." His hands went up to his face again. I wonder if that is his nervous twitch. Gently putting my hair behind my ear, I waited for him to speak. When the silence grew unbearable, I finally spoke up.

"So, who are you exactly?" I asked quietly.

"I am the vice-principal" he replied, hands still at his face.

"Oh," I muttered. This was getting really awkward really quick.

"I hope you find your classes acceptable. I put you in the second year here, after your father called," he coughed awkwardly and now I understood his fear. He continued, "He asked me to put you in class A, but I told him that it was impossible. But because your father insisted that you were the extremely polite and intelligent, I found a space for you."

"Thank you sir," I replied with a knowing look. My father literally threatened him to put me into the special class. I would have been fine in the class with the rest of the yakuza kids.

"You're welcome," he told me, sighing the words. I rose, looking to my schedule and class.

"My first class is Japanese history. Which way should I go?" I asked politely. I wouldn't want my father to eat his words.

"You can go towards the south wing and then make a right. It's on the other side of campus," he replied as I grabbed my long board.

"Thank you for all your help sir. I promise to get a uniform by the end of this week." I bow slightly to the man and head out the door. The secretary doesn't look up at me and I don't say thank you. We didn't want to have a replay of her literally staring at me again. I grab my board and find the path that leads to the south wing. Dropping the board on the ground, I jump on and begin to ride.

"_That couldn't have gone any worse,"_ I told myself aloud in English.

The familiar sound of my board going over cracks filled the air. It was surprisingly quiet for such a big campus. Messing with my lip, I wonder what I should say to my class. Surely they are going to want me to introduce myself. I could feel the embarrassment already begin. How could I run a whole syndicate without ever flinching, but die slightly with the thought that I had to introduce myself to a classroom? The world may never know.

I finally made it to the south wing and rode through the halls, hands in my pockets. Looking at the numbers, I finally found my room and stopped in front of it nervously. Messing with my lip, I took a deep breath. Wait, should I knock? Or do I just walk in? Oh my god, it's one of those slidy doors too. Can I even knock on this door? Will it break? But what if I don't knock and something happens, something will certainly happen.

I clutched my longboard to my chest with both arms. Don't be intimidated by a slidy door. It's just a door after all. I laughed nervously in front of the door. It was just a door. My thoughts surrounded a door. Maybe I should just walk in like I don't give a shit. But I do. I don't want them to look at me funny. But I have piercings, look different and speak with an accent, they'll look funny at me for sure. I could feel the blood rushing through my face. My breathing got even more frantic and I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack.

"Excuse me," a voice said. I jumped and readied myself to hit the person on the head with my board. I looked at the person and saw it was my teacher, or I assumed that the middle-aged woman was my teacher.

"I'm sorry," I breathed out, my palms sweaty. I clutched the board even tighter and she looked at me concerned and confused.

"Are you the new student?" she asked in a soft tone. Her voice sounded like she was trying to soothe a frightened animal. My breathing evened out after a minute of silence and I gulped.

"Yes. I'm Susan Crea, nice to meet you," I replied, bowing.

"Good. I'm Honda-sensei. I thought you might have been lost. Come in, so we can introduce you and then get you started in class," she said.

She opened the slidy door more, and I walked in behind her. I paused to close the door and readied myself for the stares. Turning around, I could hear the muffled voice of Honda-sensei, but was solely focused on the stares from my classmates. Their eyes were boring into me and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I just want this introduction to be over. Wait, what was I going to say again? Oh my god, I never rehearsed this. I'm going to die. No, I'm going to snap and kill someone. Yep, think of death and maybe I'll get calmer. I'm a ruthless mobster who can kill anyone with her bare hands. I don't have to be nervous.

"Crea-san, come and introduce yourself" someone said. I turned to see Honda-sensei looking at me with a concerned look. She had an arm out towards me, so I crossed the distance to her side. The eyes were boring into me. Most were intrigued by the new girl, but others were filled with disgust. They already didn't like me.

"Hello. I'm Susan Crea and I moved here recently from New York in America. I hope, you, um, um, take care of me," I said unsure. Didn't Japanese people say that or something? I bowed quickly and then rose to look at Honda-sensei. She smiled down at me and then turned to the room.

"You can take a seat by the wall over there. Here," she turned to her desk and picked up a stack of books, "are the books for all your classes."

"Thank you," I replied with a slight blush and my heavy accent. I feel like a kid. I didn't even get to buy my own books. Probably another threat from my father. I took the books and walked to the back of the classroom struggling to carry them all and my longboard. Walking through the aisles, I heard the other student's comments.

"She's from America? She isn't even that fashionable for being from New York," one girl muttered to her other friend.

"Isn't she a little fat? That's an American for you" another girl said across the room. She said it loud enough for me to hear and I blushed a bright red.

"We can't even talk to her, she's in the mafia," a boy said next to me. I flinched at the comment. I shouldn't worry. My gang is all I need. I don't need these people. I don't need anyone but my family, my syndicate. They just have to leave me alone and I would treat them fine. A foot suddenly appeared in front of me and I nearly tripped and dropped my books.

"_Damn fools,"_ I muttered under my breath when I passed the girl who tried to trip me. She tensed at my statement. I finally made it to my desk, leaning my long board on the wall. I sat down, placing my books under my desk. Honda-sensei started her lecture and I immediately opened the required book. Just focus on the text and they'll all disappear. But for the rest of the day, the rumors continued. Along with new rumors that I had threatened another student.

* * *

I survived the day. My classes were over and done with and I had survived. It was something of extreme pleasure and extreme pain. On one hand, I knew that I could get through this damn school and finish my education in relative peace, on the other hand, the rumors spread like wild fire. Right now I was in the restroom waiting for everyone to leave. I couldn't stand hearing those fools on the way home. As it is, if the other syndicate members hear about these rumors, they might just show up and harass people; the syndicate would probably try to come to school one day, just to see if I was making friends and all that crap. A familiar tune of the 'Pink Panther' alerted me that it was my father calling me. Grabbing my board and backpack, I answered.

"_Hey pa, how's it going?"_ I asked in my familiar English. Speaking Japanese was exhausting.

"_Well,"_ he started and ended abruptly. My face hardened into a mask of rage.

"_Wait a second, let me find an empty room to talk in. I don't want anyone overhearing this conversation,"_ I spoke angrily. I knew it. I knew it. He got himself into a wedge. I barely left two weeks ago and already the family was having problems. Getting on my board, I roamed the halls. I could hear voices from most rooms this side of the wing, so I sped up. I went farther south in the building.

"_I can feel your anger through the phone,"_ my father muttered.

"_Don't start. I leave for two weeks and something has already happened. How could I not be angry?"_ I whispered angrily. Finally finding the quiet part of the building, I stopped in front of a very quiet room. Music Room 3, it is then. I pushed my board up and put my hand on the door handle. For a second that sinking feeling I felt before, overcame me and I stopped. I heard my father sigh on the other line and rage overshadowed the sinking feeling. I opened the door angrily and was surprised with what I saw.

"My, my, what do we have here?" asked a sickening sweet voice. Rose petals proceeded to hit me in the face and I swear I was choking in perfume. When I opened my eyes from the coughing fit I was having, I was shocked.

Very well dressed boys stood in front of me. They were all wearing the high school uniform, but they were very pretty. They were so pretty it was sickening. I stared wide eyed as I surveyed each of them. There was a pair of twins with flame orange hair, hanging on a small almost feminine brown haired boy around the same age. Then there was a tiny boy with blond hair and a bunny rabbit plush, sitting atop a large brunette's shoulders. The next was relatively normal in the situation and was a dark-haired with glasses which glinted evilly. The last who was moving towards me with frightening speed was a blond with blue eyes

"Hime-sama," the boy started as he appeared at my side.

"_What? Who the hell is that? Susan! Answer me,"_ my father yelled from the other side. He started to swear in Italian. I watched with a gaping mouth as the blond attempted to grab my hand with the long board. The board immediately dropped, creating a large echo in the room.

"Why I don't believe we—" the blond never finished his question. Instead when he was about to touch my hand, I merely grabbed his arm and flipped him over. Now his neck was under my sneaker and I hissed at him.

"Don't touch me," I hissed murderously. Suddenly there were two shadows surrounding me and arms went out to catch me. Merely avoiding them, I slid on the floor, grabbing my long board. I ran out the door, jumped on my board and left the room.

"_Susan, what's going on? What happened?"_ my father asked me, starting to get hysterical.

"_It was nothing. Just a bunch of weirdoes I stumbled upon. They must have been running a brothel or something and thought I was a guest,"_ I replied causally exiting the building and heading to the front gates.

"_Are you sure? If you remember what they look like, I can—"_

"_Stop it. I'm fine, now tell me what's wrong,"_ I ordered. Riding to the front gates, I saw a car waiting in the front. One of the syndicate members was waiting at the door.

"Susan-sama, how was your day?" the drive asked as he opened the door. I got my board and threw it inside the car.

"Very different. It was very, very different," I muttered while getting in. I had no idea how different my life would be.

* * *

_**Hey everybody. Now if you have questions, you can totally leave it in the comments. Now, about the mafia, the vario crew, the yakuza dojin-kai, they're all real. I did not make them up. Steven Crea is a real person. Now, my OC, Susan is not. She doesn't exist anywhere but here. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make this a Kyoya x OC fanfic. If you guys have any comments, concerns, weird rants, leave me a review. I probably won't post on this story but every other week. I currently have a Naruto Fanfic going, if you want to check that one out. So, remember to follow, fave, review, obsess. **_

_**(I do not own Ouran High School Host Club. The only thing I own is Susan and any other OCs that come along)**_


	2. A Test Of Honor

**Chapter Two: A Test of Honor**

* * *

"**The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die."**

― **George R.R. Martin, **_**A Game of Thrones**_

"**Nothing of real worth can ever be bought. Love, friendship, honour, valour, respect. All these things have to be earned."**

― **David Gemmell, **_**Shield of Thunder**_

* * *

"_Well, what's going on?"_ I ask my father as I sit in the car. I watch as the car pulls away from the curb and the syndicate member kept his eyes forward.

"_I think Vito might tell you better,"_ my father says, half mumbling. I hear a voice protesting on the other side and the phone was filled with static. I wait, fiddling with my lip ring as I hear someone finally breathing on the other side.

"_Are you going to tell me or do I have to reach through the phone Vito?"_ I ask, fed up. The breathing is heavy and I could almost hear the wheels turning in his stupid head. Both I and the voice on the other side sigh at the same time.

"_Well, boss, you see—"_ Vito starts in a heavy Italian accent.

"_I am not your boss. You're boss of Vario Crew now. I'm boss of Dojin-Kai now. So don't call me boss. We're,"_ I sigh and rub my eyes, _"associates."_

"_Yah, yah. Sorry, boss,"_ Vito says, quickly swearing in Italian after his mistake. _"I mean Suzanna."_

"_Vito, I don't have all day!"_ I practically yell in the small car. Vito using his nickname for me hit a cord. It was a tender cord in my heart. It was homesickness. I was missing the rude behavior of New Yorkers. I actually missed sounds of cars honking and subway trains. I missed my family—that included stupid Vito also.

"_Sorry. Sorry. Uh, I have been having trouble with the crew. They don't wanna play in a death-"_ he starts but I interrupt him.

"_A death match? Seriously Vito? I told you to wait for a month. You can't just become boss and then make them play in a death match,_" I say angrily. Vito sure is stupid. Sometimes I wonder why he became boss after me. It was my father's decision. He made it solely on the fact that he can manipulate him.

"_Yah, I know. I know. It's just that some of our territory has been taken by that new ragtag group,"_ Vito mutters on the other side.

"_Just keep your borders straight then. You don't need to play a death match. You are far too new at this to actually win and the boys won't follow you. In addition, if they don't have all their faith in you, they won't be confident in the whole game. Don't you dare play a death match right now,"_ I tell him exasperatedly.

"_You sure about that Suzanna?"_ Vito asks. I could literally feel my father looking at him like he was an idiot. I could also feel Vito shrinking away and heard the phone being passed back to my father.

"_Well, glad you straightened that out,"_ my father says chuckling. I hear grumbling on the other side and my father yells, _"Shut up and get out of here Vito. I told you she wouldn't approve of the game."_

"_I'm glad to hear that you're checking up on Vito. I was worried when you made him boss." _

"_Well, I've been thinking that I should have just sent him with you,"_ my father grumbles unhappily. He didn't want to admit that I was right.

"_Yah right," _I snort,_ "I don't want him. He's more effort to me than he's worth." _

"_I better let you get back to your yakuza. Lord knows you need all the time you got,"_ my father says. I can feel his proud smile from the other side of the line. I smile also, and look out the window. I can feel the car start to pull into the syndicate.

"_Yah. I need a lot of help,"_ I mutter to him. The car finally comes to a stop and is in front of my new home. The driver gets out of the car, holding the door open for me. Grabbing my backpack and longboard, I climb out.

"_I love you Susan. I hope you know that,"_ my father whispers on the other side. His sadness is apparent in his voice. I feel myself frown as I stand in front of my massive house.

"_Love you too, Pa,"_ I whisper back as he hangs up. I put my phone in my pocket and sigh. It was a sigh filled with sadness.

"Susan-sama do you want me to help you with your bag?" the syndicate member asks me.

"No," I tell him and then ask, "What's your name again?"

"Fu, Susan-sama," the member replies. I take a good look at the man. His head is shaven and our emblem is on the right side of his neck. The daimon is a circle of a black sakura blossom with a sakura cutout in the middle. He wears a black yukata and has what most would say was a scary face. I was used to it, so I wasn't worried.

"Fu, I've seen you somewhere else in the syndicate. What's your duty?" I ask. I felt bad that I didn't know who he was, but there were so many faces in the move. I couldn't tell who was who any more.

"I cook the meals in the main house, Susan-sama," he replies. He gives me what would have been a terrifying smile, but it is somehow sweet.

"Oh. Thank you for picking me up Fu," I reply with a small smile.

"It is my duty, Susan-sama," Fu says blankly. He was surprised I thanked him for doing this small thing. Just because I was boss, didn't mean that I wasn't grateful. I appreciate my members. I see them as family.

"Thank you anyway," I tell him, going to walk up the stairs to the house.

The house was vast and divided into separate parts. I lived in the main house, which was the smallest in size. It was a traditional Japanese style and had a square courtyard in the middle. There was a passage which led to syndicate member's house. That house sat to the right of the property. Their house was huge with over five hundred rooms. They had no courtyard and it was almost like a maze. It was built recently to my surprise and was to be another yakuza's house. I believe the Kasanoda-gumi's took half of them out along with the police who finished them off.

Getting at the top of the stairs, I find my syndicate members lining the path to the door.

"Welcome home Susan-sama," they say together. I smile as they all bow. I couldn't get over how they actually wore formal clothing.

"Thank you. It's good to be home," I reply to them all. They stand up and I smile at them as I walk to the front door.

"Aiko," I call out, opening the door.

"Yes, Susan-sama," suddenly a man in a dark blue yukata is at my side. He is younger than most, probably in his late twenties. His black hair is gathered into a ponytail. His most defining feature is the scar over his right milky eye. I have yet to ask him how he had gotten it.

"I need to speak with you about some things. Meet me in the conference room with your brother in ten minutes," I tell him softly, entering the door.

"Understood," he replies and hurries away. I turn around and face all the men still lining the path.

"Thank you for greeting me. I hope we all have a good sleep and I will see you all tomorrow morning," I say in a stern, but almost motherly voice.

"Hai," they reply and I close the door. I sigh and breathe deeply. Kicking off my shoes and putting my house slippers on, I grab the vans and take them with me.

"Kou!" I yell when I walk down the left hall towards my room. When I almost reached the room, the room next to mine opens and a head pops through.

"Susan-sama, you're home already!" a young man says. The boy was only fifteen—or like how he tells me, nearly sixteen—and is a surprising blond.

"Kou, what did you do to your hair?" I ask, trying to contain my surprise.

"I bleached it. I wanted to make it blue, but the directions said I had to bleach it first," the boy says coming out. He wears a white—now stained with dye—shirt and black gym shorts. The boy is my personal servant in a way. He has been with the syndicate after he was dropped on their doorstep. He is too young to take over as boss and didn't want to be boss. He is much too happy and is a free spirit.

"What kind of blue?" I ask him. He went back into the room and came back a second later with a dye box in hand. I look at the color and find it a dark blue with the undertones of a weird purple.

"You like it?" he asks with a childish grin. I smile at him and ruffle his dry bleached hair.

"I think what's done is done. We can always dye it black if you hate it."

"Did you need me?" he asks looking back to his dye with a frown. He didn't like my very political answer. I smile at him and wonder how I could be so comfortable with all of these people but terrible at school.

"Yah, I need you to get me a uniform for school," I tell the boy. Kou doesn't go to school. Instead he takes care of all the house needs. He cleans the main house and runs errands. He is capable of fighting and knew how to defend himself—or so I was told.

"Is it that ugly yellow dress?" he asks. I nod and then went to my room. I drop my shoes by the side of my door and walk in. Tossing my bag onto the bed and leaning my board against the wall, I hear Kou come in.

"I'll give you some money and you'll go get some. Do you need my measurements or anything?" I ask looking at my room. It is painted a soft orange color. Against the wall across from the door sits my bed, a large queen with a dark red comforter. Along the sides of the room sits bookcases. Most are filled with crime and fantasy novels. My dresser is next to the door and a large closet is at the foot of my bed. It would be considered large to a normal person, but it isn't a huge room.

"I am not buying you that ugly dress," Kou says pointedly. I look at him and then lay on the bed.

"Alright, but I have to find a uniform," I say looking at the ceiling. The high ceiling is a crème color and I count the beams quietly.

"Was school bad?" Kou asks quickly. He sits on a shag rug in the middle of the room. It is a dark red color like my comforter and sat on cherry wooden floors.

"It was," I say bluntly. I could hear the snickers and taunts in my head. Then I remember what laid behind music room 3 and start laughing.

"Are you okay Susan-sama?" Kou asks concerned. I continue to laugh and then look at the boy.

"I think I found a bunch of male _hookers_ today," I tell the boy.

"_Hookers_?" he asks in his awkward English. "What's a _hooker_?"

"How do I say it in Japanese," I say out loud and then find the word and tell him in Japanese, "baishunpu."

"Really?" Kou asks. His dark inky eyes are as wide as saucers and he is blatantly surprised.

"Yes, really," I laugh. Kou looks at me and just stares. Then he bursts out in laughter. For a couple of seconds, only our giggling could be heard.

"That's crazy," he says after he recovered.

"Yah. I know." There was a moment of silence before I jumped out of bed. "Shit, I have to go meet Akio in the conference room."

"Well you better hurry. I'm gonna finish dyeing my hair. When you come back, we'll have dinner," Kou says excitedly.

I leave my house slippers at the foot of my bed, choosing to just run down the halls with my socks. Exiting my room, I take a right turn and run down the hall. Seeing the hall end, I make a fast right turn again, slipping on the newly washed floors. Going another five doors down, I find the conference room. Pausing and taking a deep breath in front of the door, I calm myself. After finding my inner peace, I slide open the door. 'See, slidy doors aren't so scary are they, Susan', I think to myself. Inside Aiko is sitting along with his twin brother. They are my second hand men.

Surprisingly, Hideo is exactly like his brother in every respect except for the scar. Hideo has a scar running along his left milky eye. He wears a dark red yukata with his black hair gathered into a ponytail. It was funny to me, that each of their names were kinda similar. Aiko meaning 'glorious man' and Hideo meaning 'splendid man'. It really does crack me up.

"Susan-sama," they say bowing their heads while they sat. The first time they didn't sit down until I got there. I told them it wasn't necessary to get up for me. Really, in this room I wanted them to tell me problems straight up. I wanted to feel like I was one of them in this room.

"Boys," I say and then sit down. I cross my legs and look across the table from them. "Status report."

"Sendo-kai has made movement in the southern region. They haven't been strong in Kanto since they lost their heir. But it appears that he may have left for Kasanoda-gumi," Hideo says. I nod and then wonder why their heir left. In this day and age, many leave for more honorable reasons like changes in mindset. A hundred years ago, you only left if you were being bribed. There is no honor in leaving you syndicate. I would never leave these guys.

"Is Sendo aligned with Yamaguchi?" I ask the men in front of me.

"Yes. They are the next powerful after Kasanoda," Hideo confirms. I purse my lips into a straight line. Great. If we go after them, we just might have Yamaguchi down our throats. We're going to have to run them out of the Kanto region if we want to survive. I sigh, knowing we're going to have to play a life or death game to fully eradicate them.

"What about Kasanoda?" I ask calmly. My face shows no emotion at this point. I can't let anything fall through, or else it would just freak these guys out.

"They have been crossing the lines into our district lately. They plan on eradicating us like the yakuza before us. Not only have they been stopping our drug exchanges, but they have been getting into skirmishes with our men," Aiko says gruffly. I bring my hand to my face and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

We can't survive if we have two rivals trying to push us out. We have to deal with the one with the least experience. If we eradicate Sendo, we'll have more land to do the drug trades. Besides, the area that Sendo occupies is a really poor area. They're probably driving the neighborhood into the dirt. We can't have Kanto turned into a ghetto. For now, we have to call a truce with Kasanoda. My men aren't strong enough to play in two life and death matches. I'm lucky if I have them ready in a month's time. I'm going to have to go ask that damn Kasanoda heir for a truce—only temporary, of course. If he says no, then we're going to have to start running arms trade to survive while taking out Sendo.

"Alright. I have to go pay a visit to the Kasanoda syndicate at the end of this week. We'll start by taking out Sendo. I don't want anyone to cross over into Kasanoda territory. We have to get some more land and money before we can move onto Kasanoda," I tell the two men. They tense at me saying I need to see another yakuza, but they don't say anything. I sigh and say, "Out with it then. If you have concerns, you can voice them. That's why we have these meetings."

"I don't think we should make a truce with Kasanoda," Aiko says angrily. I look at him and wait for the veins in his head to disappear.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because we have never needed to ask for truces before. Our men are strong and you should lead us with death matches," Hideo said softly. He was the more level-headed of the two brothers.

"I need time to train you guys for death matches. I need time to observe who I can put with who, how I can set the game up to our advantage, and time to gain your trust," I tell them.

"We do trust you. We do not need to train either!" Aiko whispers angrily. I stare at him with a bold look.

"You don't need to train?" I ask him calmly.

"No."

"Have you ever used a gun? Or are you planning on playing the games with your katanas?" I ask him slightly peaved. But I brought this on myself, asking them to be truthful with me.

"Yes, I have used a gun," he snorted out, like I was an idiot.

"Killed a man with it?" I asked him. "They aren't just to wave around civilians."

"Of course I've killed a man with a gun before," he huffed.

"At what distance? Five meters? Ten meters? Or were you right next to him where you would have to be blind and stupid not to hit him?"

"Well," he says a little unsure of himself now.

"Hideo? How about you? Have you ever killed someone with a gun?" I asked the quieter brother. He looks at me with steely eyes for humiliating his brother.

"No, Susan-sama," Hideo replies, his tone with a little bit of anger in it.

"How about martial arts? Surely everyone knows that."

"We are the best in Kanto," Aiko says, angry that I was now checking all their skills.

"Really? So if I were to fight your best fighter, he wouldn't lose," I ask a little cheeky.

"No of course not. If he does, I'll perform yubitsume for you."

I look at Aiko now with new eyes; he was willing to give up a piece of his finger because he didn't think I was strong enough. They didn't think I could really fight. I had told them before that I had killed people in the games with my bare hands. They doubted that I had the strength. I turned my chin upwards in pure disgust.

"Very well. Fetch him. Meet me at the courtyard and we'll see if your words hold," I reply, my words like knives.

When both men look at me with surprised faces, I growl. They get up quickly and run out the door. I sigh and brush a piece of hair behind my ear. Now I have to fight a large man—surely this man would be huge. God, me and my temper when people don't believe what I tell them. Did they think I was just arrogant? I get up and take off my cardigan. Going to my room, I find no one there. Grabbing a hair tie from a bookshelf, I pull my hair into a pony tail. Putting the sweater in the closet, I head out to the courtyard. Removing my socks on the patio, I find the whole syndicate there, minus Kou.

"Which one is he Aiko?" I ask the large man. Another man steps forward and I measure him to be about six feet in height and about two hundred pounds. He has a shaved head and scars are on his arms. He wears a black yukata and no shoes.

"Susan-sama, you don't have to do this," Hideo tries to reason with me. I give him a glare.

"Do you think I'm not capable? You still doubt me? I'll have your finger with your brother's for your comment." I turn to the rest of my syndicate, all their eyes staring in curiosity. I then yell out to the crowd of almost four hundred, "I am going to prove my worth to you by sparring with this man. It seems like some of you might not believe everything I have told you about myself. Therefore, let me put your minds at ease. I will show you that I am perfectly capable of leading this yakuza."

The crowd was silent for a long time after that. I turn to the twin brothers and see them worried. Their worry only angers me further. I hate when people doubt my skills. If I knew that I couldn't beat the man before me, I would have backed out already. I turn to my opponent and see him square off against me. Looking at his legs, I see he favors the right. His stance is perfect, but he protects his left side a little better than the right. That means he is faulty there, but tries to cover it up. Seeing that he's bulky I have to hit the weak spot under his chin. I'm short enough to get under there with a palm fist.

The man stares back at me and waits for my signal. I'm ready and I give him a nod of approval. The man comes at me. He's normal speed, actually a little fast for his height. I step to the side and watch at how he turns around in a second. He tries to hit me with a high kick with his left leg. I deflect and watch as he perfectly balances on the right. This left leg is the bad one. I need to get to the other side. He kicks me again, but with my analysis I was left open. I take a foot to the eye. There is definitely going to be a black eye under there. His leg is still up, not wanting to reposition with me dazed. He kicks me again, but I pass under his still raised leg and send him a jab to the gut.

He's barely fazed and I avoid his hands which go out to get me. Now on his left side, I watch as he is going to go for another kick. I kick his left leg back down. Time to hit him where it will matter, I think. I crunch my fingers and give him a hit under his chin. Dazed slightly, he tries to balance himself. I kick him on the left side he was defending so preciously earlier. He lunges forward, while I crouch down and side sweep his bad left leg. Unbalanced, he goes down. I quickly put my knee to his back and wrap my arm around his neck. With a chokehold, I watch him flail until he stops. He's unconscious and I know I have won. The crowd watches on in silence as I walk away from my opponent. I turn to Hideo and Aiko to see them with wide eyes.

"Do you have your knife?" I ask them. They look at me blankly and I turn to the crowd, "Does anyone have a knife? These men promised me their fingers."

"Here you are Susan-sama," an older man says as he brings me a knife. It looks like a ritual tanto and I take it with a smile. My right eye is already closing and I realize I have to go to school like that.

"Thank you," I say. Turning back to the twins I look at them angrily. I hand the blade to Hideo. He takes it with a worried look. "For both of your insolence, you will do penance. Know that when I say I can do something, I can do it. In addition, your men are not ready to do the things which you want them to do. If under your command, they would have been sent to their deaths a long time ago."

"We are sorry Susan-sama," Hideo says. He looks at me pleadingly one last time before taking the blade to his hand. I turn around to the crowd and let him and his brother cut off the tips of their pinky fingers.

"I say things and give orders because I don't want you to suffer," I tell the silent crowd, my accent heavy with my slight anger. I see that they took my opponent away and I continue on. "When I say that we must train, it is not because I doubt anyone's abilities. It is because I don't want you to go out there and die. Death matches will be coming. I want all of you to be prepared. For that reason, we are going to train. First we shall hone our bodies with hand to hand combat, then we shall hone our eyes with gun practice and lastly we shall hone our minds with sword fighting. Each of these activities will be supervised by both of my seconds. In addition, no one is to step on Kasanoda territory. If you have questions, you may bring your concerns to Hideo or Aiko."

"Here Susan-sama," I heard Aiko say. Turning back around, I see the bloodied blade and was handed two fingers. I look to the man and see what I should have seen in the conference room: trust. It took him giving me part of a finger for him to trust me. Looking to his brother, Hideo has the same look. I nod at each of them and then turn back to the crowd.

"If you doubt my abilities, you will meet the same fate as my seconds. Know this my syndicate, I will never lie to you. If you believe that I cannot do what I say, you may leave. Because I will always follow through with my words," I said this darkly. The men for a second looked scared, but that emotion was replaced with trust. I smiled at them and then went inside. Going to my room, Kou finally showed up.

"Susan-sama, why do you have bloody fingers in this jar? And when did you get the black eye?" he asked. I looked at him from my place on the bed.

"I like your hair," I replied. The boy's eyes glistened with joy and I watched as he ran his hands through his now blue hair. What an exciting day.

* * *

The next day when I went to school, the rumors weren't any better. Like I had thought, the black eye I had only made things worse for me. But let's face it, I had to fight. I knew I would win, but I never thought that I would have gotten hurt.

Listening to the teacher at the board, I hear the bell ring. Finally I get to eat something. I was starving. Fu had wanted me to eat breakfast, but I was too much in a hurry for that. Fu also said if he drove me I would have had time to eat. But as usual, I rode my longboard the twenty minutes to school.

Looking in my bag, I find the bento Fu packed me. I open it to find little hotdogs in the shapes of squid and plenty of rice. I'm gonna get tired of rice living here. Kids around me shuffle outside, but I stay in my seat. I wasn't one to go outside and eat, and everyone was avoiding me like the plague. So, I might as well stay here.

"Excuse me," a voice says from my side. It was sickeningly sweet. Wait, I heard that voice before. I shut my eyes and pray it wasn't the blond from yesterday. I pray and pray, but when I turn my head, my heart dropped.

"Um," I mumble looking at the blond-haired boy. He was too close for me to handle and I nearly punched him. He suddenly stepped away and looked at me concerned.

"What happened to your eye?" he asked. I had my bangs over most of it, but I was surprised he didn't hear about the rumors. Suddenly I saw in my line of vision, another boy. This one was the black haired boy with glasses from yesterday. I could feel my heart beat faster and my throat was choking up. This was a little too sudden. People were popping out of nowhere and they were people who were weird.

"Um, I-I-I," I stutter. The blond haired boy put his face in mine and I could feel my blood rise to my face.

"It seems like it really hurts," he says, inches away from my face. My non-black eye was wide and I gently put down the chopsticks I had in my right hand. Making it into a fist, I readied myself to hit him. A second later, he was yanked back by the brunette.

"Tamaki, you shouldn't do that to her," the brunette says to his friend. The boy then turns to me and offers a smile, "I am Kyoya Ootori. We met briefly yesterday when you stumbled into Music Room 3."

"Ah. Yah. About that brothel you're running, I swear I'll keep my mouth closed," I tell the boy hurriedly and with my extremely thick accent. I just want them to leave already.

"What!?" the blond—Tamaki I suppose—yells, "How dare you call our club a house of ill-repute! You should be ashamed of yourself."

"What is it then? It sure looked like something fishy was going on in there," I try to say calmly but it just comes out hysterical.

"It's a host club," Kyoya tells me. I look at him with what I would suppose was a dumb look. What the hell is a host club?

"Ok. I won't tell about your, urm, host club then? Okay? Now can I just eat my lunch in silence?" I ask the boys, looking down.

"But I—" the blond starts.

"Just leave me alone. Please." I keep my head down, my face red with embarrassment as I notice people are watching us. I can hear the whispers from the other students and I just pray that they leave. Somehow god hears my prayers and they walk away. I lift my head and sigh. I hope I never have to deal with them ever again.

* * *

_**Hey everybody. Second chapter is up faster than I had thought it would be. I finished my other story's chapter yesterday so I got this one done right away. Thank you to Hunny-Chan17 and justasislinn for the reviews. justasislinn, you sound so excited and it makes me excited. Anyway, the historical context in this applies to most things except Sendo-kai. I made Sendo-kai because (spoiler alert if you haven't finished) of Tetsuya who left to be at Kasanoda-gumi. It said that he was the next boss, but he left, so logically I made the other yakuza after his name. I plan on making Susan really close with Kou and Fu. I apologize if you guys want more Host club. They will be coming soon. In addition, when Hideo and Aiko cut off their fingers, it's only the tips of their pinkies. This is historically accurate as a form of penance for going against the boss. Susan loves her family, but she recognizes that she is boss and has to have loyalty. She doesn't want them to get hurt, but she has to have order and trust. (man was this long)**_

_**I do not own Ouran High School Host Club. Most of the things are historically accurate. My OCs are Susan, Hideo, Aiko, Fu and Kou. **_


	3. I Don't Need Friends

**Chapter Three: I Don't Need Friends**

* * *

"**Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment. "**

― **Haruki Murakami, **_**Norwegian Wood**_

"**Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival."**

― **C.S. Lewis, **_**The Four Loves**_

* * *

Wednesday and Thursday went how I expected them to: horribly. The rumors somehow hadn't dwindled like I thought they would. Seems like these damn rich people have nothing more exciting to do than stare at the American who in their opinion is fat, has too many piercings, and is downright weird. I suppose my uniform didn't help to put out the flames. Instead my uniform was used as fire accelerant which promptly swallowed my entire existence.

When Kou said he wasn't going to buy me that ugly yellow dress, he was completely honest. He said that not only would it clash with my skin tone but it would do nothing to bring out my 'gorgeous' eyes. Instead, he took all the money I had on hand, marched down to whatever godforsaken store he likes, and found me conspiracy in cloth.

Now my uniform consists of a black pleated skirt which goes to my knees—thank heavens—along with a white button down shirt, lavender cardigan with Ouran's emblem on the left side and black cross-over tie. My input in this whole outfit is only my black vans and black tights. So as you might guess, my uniform only brings more attention to myself. This attention has thus labeled me as the school's lesbian. I don't know where they get that from, I'm still feminine looking, and don't go around expressing my love for the female gender.

But I don't care what they say about me anymore. Labels are only skin deep. And for that matter, who cares if I'm heavier than you, have more holes in my ears, look exotic or look like I like girls? I'm not living during the thirteenth century. If I theoretically like girls so be it, but that should no longer be seen as an insult. These damn rich people should understand that not everything in this world that is different is weird. Just because they hold the power of society, doesn't make what they think is right.

So, all in all, the stares and the cat-calls from other people have led me to verbally hiss at people. Now people mainly just watch me from a distance, like I'm some new art exhibit that you sit with your tea and stare at from afar. I'm fine with that, but I know that there is someone who is following me. Growing up with people hiring hit men to put a bullet in you, you get a certain knack for knowing when someone's following you. I have a hunch who it might be, because every time I turn around there is a familiar flop of blond hair in sight.

To be honest, I don't know why they don't leave me alone. As it is, I have my own problems. Tomorrow I have to go meet with the Kasanoda boss. Then Sendo-kai has been getting on my nerves. But they'll be taken care of when my gang is ready. But my whole syndicate still needs to train and I have to observe them. If I don't know what my chess pieces can do, how am I supposed to move them across the board? So, I have my hands pretty full, so why don't they just forget about me?

As it is, it's the last period on a Friday and I'm already wondering how I'm going to pass the exam on Monday. Maybe I should go to the library for a couple of hours. That would work. I wait for the bell to ring and when it does, I sigh in relief. Rubbing the back of my neck, I can feel the ink of my tattoo. It's our emblem, but unlike the rest of the syndicate members, mine is in a blood red. I like it, it's actually very pretty.

"_Now which one should I go to?"_ I ask myself aloud, people turning to look at me. I really talk a lot to myself while at school. Most people here think I'm already crazy, why give them a reason to doubt themselves?

I grab all of my books and shove them in my bag. Kou bought me one of those black schoolbags, but I refuse to use it. Instead I zip up my Jansport backpack and grab my longboard. Really, how was I supposed to ride with a stupid pursy bag? I exit the classroom along with the throngs of people. I notice that they actually allow me to brush elbows with them now. Earlier in the week, they dared not even touch me.

Going up the stairs I can feel that Tamaki trailing me. The feeling is faint, but it's there. I shake my head in pity and then get on my board. This is normally how I lose him. I ride through the halls and go towards the west wing. It's normally quieter there. While riding, I try to reach into the outer pocket of my bag and grab my phone. While turned away, I don't notice the small brunette who's directly in my path. But when I look back it's too late.

"_Damn it,"_ I curse as I try to swerve out of the way. The boy goes to the left and I go to the right, but with the sudden sharp turn, I sail off my board. Rolling a couple of feet, I hear my board crash into the wall. The fall itself didn't really hurt, but the books which dug themselves into my back weren't so nice. I laid on my face and check if my skirt is still down, not making a move to get up.

"Are you okay?" the voice asks. I could have sworn that the voice was a girl, but I saw it was a boy. Maybe I hit my head in the fall, or maybe it's just a Japanese thing? I don't know. I can feel the person reach out to me, but I swat their hand away.

"Please don't touch me," I mutter as I get up. I can feel the rug burn on my knees and I sit up and look at them. I groan in frustration when I see my tights now have a hole in them. There is slight blood leaking from a cut, but it's quickly swallowed up in my now ripped tights.

"I'm really sorry," the feminine voice says again. I look up to see a familiar face. I stare at the brown haired, brown eyed boy, and try to place where I've seen him before.

"It's alright," I mutter, breaking eye contact. I stand, leaving my bag on the floor, and pop my back in a very unladylike fashion. The boy goes to grab my board a couple of feet away and I stare at his back. I'm actually an inch or two taller than him, and I'm only 5' 3", so he's super short. His body is that of a female girl, and from how he walks, he would be adept at wearing heels.

"I'm really sorry about that," the boy apologizes again. He turns and catches me staring. I immediately turn a dark red and grab my backpack and phone which fell out of my hand.

"Don't worry about it," I say too fast, and I'm almost certain he didn't understand. The boy, who has the figure seemingly of a girl, hands me my board with a quizzical look.

"Did your eye happen because of me?" he asks. Dumbly, I bring my hand to my bruised right eye, which is now a greenish yellow color. I shake my head and the boy stands there and stares before opening his mouth, "You're the girl from earlier this week, aren't you?"

"What?" I say, jerking my head up, my face still very red. I look at the boy and realize where I've met him. He's the one who those twins were hanging on when I opened Music Room 3. I open and close my mouth like a fish before dropping my board to the ground.

"You're the one who flipped Tamaki-senpai," the girl—because he should be considered a girl with that little muscle mass—says in wonder. I nod my head and then jump on my board and ride away. Pushing faster, I can hear the weirdo calling me. I push harder, turning down another hall.

"_These weirdoes keep popping up everywhere. I can't escape them,"_ I say hysterically in English. Riding down the halls, I make myself get lost. It would be better to get lost and not know where I am. Because that would mean weirdoes would have to get lost and we all know weirdoes are never lost. No, they pop out when you're most comfortable and you know exactly where you are.

I ride and then find that the hall is quiet. It is eerily quiet and I stop my board. Sighing, I open a door and pray I don't find people in it. To my surprise, the room is empty and there are desks skewed around. Dust is collected over most of the room and I realize that they haven't used it quite a while. Walking in, I close the door behind me and go to the furthest corner of the room. Brushing the dust away, I take out my phone and sit. I call the main house, waiting for Kou to answer.

"Heya," Kou's cheery voice says from the other side.

"Does that phone have caller ID?" I ask, wondering if he knows it was me and that's why he answered so casually. Somehow the question comes out strained and I realize that I'm breathing heavy from the whole encounter with that girlish boy.

"Susan-sama, are you okay? You sound like you just ran a marathon," Kou says, his voice filled with concern.

"I just rode fast is all," I reply.

"Oh," he says, but the tone says he isn't buying what I'm selling.

"Anyway," I try to change subject, "has Fu left?"

"No, he's heading out right now."

"Tell him to wait for two hours. I'm gonna do some studying here."

"Alright. I'll let him know."

"Uhm. You're going to have to pick up another pair of black tights."

"What?! Why?!" Kou yells. I pull the phone away from my ear and wait for him to speak normally. When there is silence on the other end of the line, I answer him.

"I fell and then when I got up, there was a hole in it," I mumble, slightly embarrassed.

"Did you get hurt?" he asks, his tone going from angry to concerned in a heartbeat.

"Naw," I say looking at the now dried up blood in my tights.

"Well," Kou says then sighs, "I guess I'll get Fu to go pick up some stuff with me. He can drive the car, then we'll go pick you up. Hideo and Aiko had to go to the marketplace anyway, so we might all come pick you up."

"Whatever works," I mutter. I open my bag and grab my books I need to study as I hear Kou yell for Fu on the other side of the line.

"I'll see you soon Susan-sama. Do you need anything in particular?"

"Naw, I'm fine."

"Good. Bye."

"Bye."

I study for the rest of the time in silence. It is actually nice studying here instead of at home. Somehow, I'm always dragged into meetings with Hideo and Aiko or I'm stuck supervising some of the men. I need to actually study. English and math are a piece of cake. My Japanese literature isn't so bad, and neither is my electives. What's getting me is Japanese history. My test is next Monday and I have yet to master the things from last week. I have to admit that if I do get a bad grade on the test, Honda-sensei would let me make it up, but I don't want that. Life doesn't give you second chances. I have to succeed in things the first time, because makeups aren't an option.

So I pack my bag ten minutes before I have to meet Kou and Fu, and head out of my new secret hide out. Pausing at the door, I look in my bag to see if I could find something to leave to signify the room. Finding a ribbon that Kou had put in my hair yesterday, I wrap it around the golden knob. The red ribbon stands out in beautiful contrast as I ride away. I actually find the exit quite easily, but the feeling that I was being followed hits me once again. I causally turn on my board and see blond mop of hair along with two patches of black with another blond and a brown patch surrounded by orange. I start hyperventilating and ride faster knowing it was the weird brothel people.

I exit the school gates and turn. Not seeing the car, I can feel my heart beat even more rapidly. Finding a place to hide, I decide to try to wait them out. Maybe the car will get here and they'll leave. A moment later I hear footsteps approaching, one pair much faster than the others. Then I steel myself and decide that this has to stop. Them bugging me is enough. I have to deal with these hookers once and for all. Leaning my board against the school gate, I wait for the first person to pass me. Grabbing the first body, I pull them towards the wall by their tie. Pinning them to the brick, I stare at that Tamaki's scared face.

"Why don't you leave me alone?" I growl out. I've finally had enough. Not even my anxiety can save them now. For a second the boy doesn't answer and I put my hand to his neck and give a forceful squeeze. I can feel the others almost on me and I squeeze harder, watching the boy's blue eyes bulge out slightly.

"Let him go," a devilish voice says.

It's low and threatening and I feel myself bare my teeth. Suddenly arms go out to get me. Letting go of Tamaki a second later, I dance out of the way. A small blond boy comes at me with a flying kick. I put my left arm up to defend and watch as a much larger boy comes at me with a punch. I have half the mind to grab and throw the small boy at this one, but instead pass under the punch with ease.

"You guys, stop it," a feminine voice says, but no one pays the voice any mind.

The small blond boy runs at me at the same time the large brunette gives me a high kick. Knowing that there's a large possibility I might get hit, I attempt to side sweep the blond thus avoiding the brunette. The blond merely jumps and redirects with a punch. Damn, I knew I would get hit with one. I watch and put my arms up in an attempt to deflect when a blur smashes into the small boy. The brunette at my back is gone, or rather he stands up.

I look to the blond and notice a head of blue and later a large ball of black fabric restrain him. Turning around, I see the large brunette is standing at gunpoint. Hideo and Akio turn to me for orders and I watch as the giant's eyes widen in disbelief and fear surge through his body. Turning back to the small blond, I see Kou holding him in a chokehold. The young blue-haired boy was looking to me for orders also. Fu comes to side and puts a hand on my shoulder. I breathe in deeply and consider the possibility of just giving a nod of my head and allowing my men to kill these hookers. If I was back in America, I might have, but I can't risk chaos with these damn rich people. They'll get their revenge for sure.

For a second, it feels like time stops. The giant boy and the small blond look at me with pleading eyes. They realize what they have done, or rather who they've done what they did to. Tamaki who I pinned is staring, his back still against the brick. Kyoya with his glasses is looking tense and I can tell behind his glasses he's scared. The twins are trying to hide the feminine boy from earlier, all the while looking like they wish they never saw me. I sigh and then turn to Hideo and Aiko.

"Disengage," I say strongly. Hideo and Aiko tense and their fingers seem to itch for the trigger, but my voice is enough of a reason to put their weapons away. I turn to Kou and see him look at me with confused eyes. I soften my face and he nods ever so slightly. He lets go of the blond boy and he falls to the ground, gasping for breath.

"Susan-sama-" Fu starts but I interrupt.

"Go to the car," I bark out. All my men freeze in place and they look reluctant to leave me. Fu's hand clenches my shoulder even tighter. I feel my face grow cold and hard as I hiss, "That's an order."

"Hai," they all reply bowing to me. They leave and I can hear the sound of a car being pulled up behind me. I turn to the brothel and see them clustered into a group, fear in their eyes.

"Why have you been following me? Don't you know who I am?" I ask them angrily. Somehow I don't know whether I should be angry that I didn't let my men kill them or that they were stupid enough to get themselves into this situation.

"The rumors are true?" the small blond asks in a feeble voice. It's a wild contrast from the demon's voice I heard earlier and I realize I broke them down.

"Even if they weren't, why were you following me?" I hiss and take a step towards the group. They collectively tense.

"Because we wanted to help you," the one name Tamaki says boldly.

"With what? Protection? I have it. Tutoring? I don't need it. Money? I can get it."

"Friends," the feminine brunette says. His large brown eyes pleading with me. I don't understand what he wants, but his words make me feel sad.

"Tch, I don't need friends," I say somehow sadly. I realize that the hardened mask I had earlier is wearing off with the conversation. In the next minute or two, I'm going to be a babbling ball of nerves.

"Everyone needs friends," the twins say in unison. I roll my eyes and walk towards them. They all tense and part like the red sea. I go to the brick wall and grab my board and backpack I dropped earlier.

"Now run along," I mutter to them walking to the car. Kou stands at the door waiting to open it.

"We want to help you," a voice says at my back. I turn and see Tamaki standing there with not an ounce of fear in his eyes.

"Aren't you scared of me? I could have very easily killed you. It probably would have been easier now that I think about it." I look to all the boys and see some amount of fear, but Tamaki stands there with only sadness in his eyes. I can't decide whether he's an idiot or one of the bravest people I've ever met.

"But you didn't kill us. You need friends and we want to help you." I stare at him with a surprised and sad face. I can feel tears threaten to overflow and I give him a sad smile. I'm broken and this life of mine is dangerous. I can't afford to have friends. I can't afford to get attached. I can't afford to live. Not if I want to make sure everyone else is safe.

"Please," I say in a quiet and almost begging voice, "if you value your lives, you'll leave me alone."

I turn my back on what I hope will be the last time I see these fools. Walking to the car, I throw my board and backpack in. Getting in, I sit between Hideo and Kou, who's closing the door. We drive off to the syndicate and the ride is quiet and sad. I feel defeated somehow. I feel like I failed the test. My men should have ended my problems there. Maybe then, I wouldn't feel this sadness in my heart. Sadness for not being able to go back to the home I love. Sadness for losing my family. Sadness for being alone, because as much as I want my syndicate to be, they'll never be my friends.

"We're here Susan-sama," Hideo says, breaking me out of my trance. I nod stiffly and climb out after him. The softer brother holds my bag and board in hand as we walk up the steps. My syndicate members line the path and I look to all of them.

"Welcome home, Susan-sama," they all chant and bow lowly. I put on a large smile, mostly for their sakes.

"Thank you. I'm glad to be home. I trust you all are training hard," I tell them. They rise and stand at their posts until I enter the house with the others. Taking my shoes off and grabbing my house slippers, I could feel Kou follow me to my room. When I arrived at my room, Kou came in and laid my board and bag at the side of the door. I immediately go to my bed and flop face first into it.

"So, they want to be your friends," Kou says after he flops onto the bed next to me. I moan and he continues, "they're those hookers you were telling me about, aren't they?"

"Uhuh," I say into the red comforter. Kou sighs and I feel him lay down next to me. I sigh and then flip over to stare at the ceiling with him.

"They don't seem all that bad. They probably don't even know you're our boss," Kou says, putting his hands behind his head.

"Yah. They seem surprised that the rumors were true."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be their friends?"

I snort and then look at Kou. Seeing his expression, he's perfectly honest. My smile falls off my face and is replaced with the pursing of my lips. Playing with my snake bites, I wonder if I could have them as friends. After today, they might not go for it. I did hold one of them at gunpoint and another in a chokehold. But even if I did, would it be wise? They might get hurt. Or worse yet, they'll sell me out and we'll have a replay of why I had to leave America.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I tell Kou with a sad voice.

"Why?" Kou asks, curiosity filling his tone.

"Because, you can't trust people who aren't your gang. Then they might get hurt. I know those fools would stick their noses in something that they shouldn't," I sigh, already dreading going back to school and seeing their faces.

"But you trusted your friends back in America," Kou argues, pouting slightly. I laugh and turn to look at the younger boy. His eyes are a dark black, but in this light they almost appear blue.

"I didn't have friends. What made you think I did?" I laugh out. Kou stares at me with a surprised look before he closes his lips into a frown. I laugh at him again.

"Of course I thought you had friends. You're not an asshole; you're pretty; you don't have any weird habits. Why didn't you have friends?" he asks in a confused tone.

"You haven't noticed?" I ask. Now it's my turn to be surprised. He shakes his head and I flip back to face the ceiling. I sigh and say, "I can't speak to strangers. I can barely hold conversations with others about the gang's business. I have major anxiety problems when I'm not with the gang. If I can't escape the situation, I'll go into a full blown panic attack. Back in America, I didn't talk to anyone because I was scared. Plus no one came up to me because I was a mob boss's daughter. So, no, I didn't have friends."

"Well, that'll work then," Kou says excitedly.

"What do you mean?" I ask. This whole day has spent all my energy. Just talking with the hookers makes me tired.

"They want to be your friends. They can help you overcome your fear of people," Kou replies and sits up. He looks at me and I can feel him bouncing up and down on the bed. My face immediately frowns.

"I can't risk them getting hurt."

"They're rich. They have bodyguards. Besides once we take out Sendo-kai, no one will bother them. Kasanoda-gumi are too honorable to go after friends of the gang. It's perfect."

"They don't want to be friends with me."

"But they do."

"No, they don't," I yell quite childishly. Kou stares at me and there's some emotion in his eyes. I look into his black orbs and the realization hits me. He feels sorry for me; pity lines his eyes. I give him a sad smile.

"Susan-sama-" Kou starts to apologize, but I interrupt him.

"I'm sorry Kou. I'm just a little tired is all. I think I'm going to go to bed. I have to wake up early to go see Kasanoda tomorrow and we don't want to look bad," I tell him. He gets off the bed, pity still in his eyes. I give a half-hearted smile, but we can both tell I'm just lying.

"Give them a chance. They seem like they're nice people," Kou tells me as he leaves the room. I nod as he looks back from the door. He closes it and I stare at my now empty room. It's suddenly too quiet and the room feels too big. I can feel tears in my eyes, but rub them hard to push them back in. My right eye flinches with the harsh contact and I almost break down.

"They all seem nice, but sometimes they aren't Kou. I hope you never understand that, because if you do, then you've felt the worst pain: betrayal."

* * *

Several hours later, not in a syndicate but at the Ootori mansion, Kyoya waits for his father. Kyoya didn't know what to make out of the strange girl who wanted to be left alone. He didn't see helping her as a big treat, like Tamaki did. Rather, she would take time and money to help, and Kyoya didn't see the overall profit. She was actually a liability. If the rumors are true like she said, than she was in a yakuza. From how those men addressed her, she is pretty high in the ranks also.

Kyoya thought back to today's meeting. Her men appeared out of nowhere and immediately restrained both Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai. That was no easy feat to do. But in all reality, the girl was holding her own against the two men. If she was one on one with them, surely she would have been the winner. Her training was extensive and she was fast in calculating her next move.

But what Kyoya was most fascinated by, was the look of sadness in her eyes. Those weren't the eyes of a gang member. Those were the eyes of a young girl who was in many ways, lonely. The rumors must have gotten to her, but she never looked like that in class. No, in class, she was always engulfed in whatever lecture was happening. She never looked like that with people spewing rumors.

Just then the door opened and Kyoya stood from the chair he was sitting in. His father walked in, dressed in his regular suit and tie. When he saw that Kyoya was waiting for him, he nodded his head and led his youngest son to his office. Kyoya followed his father and both entered a large office. His father took a seat behind a large desk and Kyoya sat in the chair across from him.

"What is it that you need?" Yoshio Ootori asked blatantly. Kyoya sat straight and proceeded to tell him about the incident earlier in the day. Kyoya's father stiffened and then sighed heavily.

"I tried to look at her transfer file, but nothing was even mentioned about her. It only said she was to be a second-year and gave her class schedule. Just who is Susan Crea?" Kyoya asked his father calmly. Inside he was extremely curious and wanted to know all the answers to this new girl.

"You said that she asked if you knew the rumors about her. Well, I can confirm some rumors about her. She has recently become boss of the yakuza Dojin-kai. She is wanted by the American government for racketeering, embezzlement and several counts of murder."

"Murder?" Kyoya's eyes were wide. The boy felt a thumping in his chest which was the same as earlier in the day. The girl really could have killed any one of them if she wanted. Kyoya's curiosity was not satisfied though and that's what really scared him. His curiosity scared him more than the young girl who killed with her own hands.

"Yes. The police have been asking if we could assist them. They want to get her out of here and send her back to America, but they have to charge her first. They've been trying to get an undercover cop to watch her, but she isn't taking any new gang members."

"She's smarter than we think," Kyoya mutters to himself. He pushes his glasses up and thinks of how they might actually catch the young killer.

"But, maybe," his father says and looks to Kyoya expectantly, "if we have an informant in Ouran, we can pin her down. You say that Tamaki wants to be her friend. If you make friends with her, that might give us the leverage to make a deal with the American government."

"Father, don't you think that she is far too much danger to subject a mere host club to?" Kyoya asks a little startled. He had to admit that it was a good plan. The girl would never suspect it.

"She said that she just wanted to be left alone. No girl wants to be alone though. Besides, she didn't kill you when she had the prime opportunity. This would give us a leg up with the Americans," Kyoya's father said sternly. Kyoya knew that there was no way to get around his father's order. His urge to please his father was screaming out to him. In addition, his own curiosity wouldn't allow him to not jump at the opportunity to get to know all the American's secrets.

"Very well. Susan Crea will be getting some friends very soon," Kyoya replied with a large smile and an evil glint against his glasses.

* * *

_**Going to write this very quickly. My computer is only at 14% and I can't find the charger. So I have written more chapters than is on here. I am currently double-checking chapter four and writing chapter five. I don't know if you guys are going to like that Kyoya is going to be a little bit of the bad guy, but he is conniving and he does always want to please his father, so it's a believable situation that he will try to get close to Susan to get dirt on her. In the next chapter, we're going to have shooting and guns and basic mafia stuff. I hope you guys like it so far. If you have questions, leave me a comment. Remember to follow, fave, review, obsess. **_

_**(I do not own Ouran High School Host Club)**_

_**Finished this at 11 % booooyaaaaahhhh!**_


	4. He's Proud of Me

**Chapter Four: He's Proud of Me**

* * *

"**It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets."**

― **Voltaire**

"**I am not proud, but I am happy; and happiness blinds, I think, more than pride."**

― **Alexandre Dumas, **_**The Count of Monte Cristo**_

* * *

I woke up the next day with a roaring headache. It seems like I got absolutely no sleep. Maybe it was my because of my inner turmoil or maybe it was because I hadn't eaten anything all day yesterday, but I felt horrible. I got out of my bed, wearing nothing but some shorts and a large red t-shirt. Opening my door and going down the hall to the bathroom, I flicked the light on. It was probably five o'clock and my eyes had yet adjust to the light around me. With my eyes half closed, I turn the water to the shower on.

Turning to look at myself in the mirror, I can see the stress from last night still lining my face. Although not extremely noticeable, there are bags under my eyes. My green eyes seem dull and my complexion is slightly pasty. I frown as I think of how one night of bad sleep already had me looking like I was half dead. Maybe it was the stress from attending school. Surely, the rumors had gotten to me, no matter how much I buried them.

I give my reflection a sad smile and then go on with my morning routine. Kou had said that if I was to meet with Kasanoda, I would have to wear a kimono. I really didn't care, as long as I could still shoot a gun or kick someone's face, I would be fine. I walked out of the shower with a towel wrapped around me and headed back to my room quickly. Closing the door and smiling because I actually got there without someone seeing me, I turn to my bed.

"Kou!" I squeal. The boy is sitting on my now made bed, completely dressed in black yakuza and perfect blue hair.

"You're late. We're five minutes behind schedule and I have to get you into your kimono," he says almost lazily. I stare at him in disbelief and clutch the towel tighter to my body.

"What are you doing?" I ask striding towards him. I hold my towel in one hand and grab his ear with the other. He starts to whimper as I drag him up from the bed and throw him out my bedroom door.

"I have to help you dress!" he whines as I stand at the door.

"Let me get some underwear on and figure out where to put my artillery at least. My gosh, sometimes I think you don't have any hormones at all," I scream at him. I can feel the syndicate start to wake up and the birds chirping happily.

"Well, I don't think I do," he mutters, as the door almost closes. I stop the door's progress and then look at him.

"What?" I ask him. He looks at me with a straight face and I realize it now. The boy wasn't the rage of hormones he should be at his age. I'm only a couple of years older than him, but he doesn't look at me any differently than a mother. He never expresses any sexual tension with me.

"I don't feel sexual attractions," he tells me quietly. I can feel my eyes grow soft and I look at him with a kind look. People probably don't understand him. Being different from the norm is hard and I'm not one to let him feel badly about who he is. I have anxiety and panic attacks and he accepts me. Besides, there is nothing wrong with him. I smile at him when I realize I was just staring at him for quite a long time.

"That's perfectly fine Kou," I tell him in a kind tone. The worry which entered his eyes, seems to fade and he gives me a wide smile. He tries to open the door and I laugh at him. "Just because you don't find me stimulating doesn't mean I want you to see me naked. Let me get some underwear on and I'll call you when I'm ready."

"But Susan-sama," he whines as I close the door in his face, cutting off the rest of statement. I laugh as I hear him bang his head against the door. I go get ready and put on my underwear. After that's done, I take out my holsters and lay them on the bed. I get my ankle, thigh, and double shoulder holster. I put the ankle on the inside of my left leg and thigh on my right leg. Securing them, I walk and open my closet. Moving my bagged dresses aside, I find my weapons in an alcove. I stare at my options for a long time before finally choosing.

I take out Harry who's a Smith and Wesson Model 29 .44 Magnum revolver. Harry will go in my left shoulder. He's my favorite weapon, even though he has a bad kick. Next I take out Sally who's a Sig Sauer P229 9mm. I place Sally in my thigh and make sure the safety is on. I grab my Fixation Bowie and place the foot long combat knife in my ankle holster. Next I grab my BC-41-a knuckle buster with a dagger attached-and take him and Harry to my bed.

"Kou, bring me my kimono. I have to adjust my holsters over it," I yell out. I can feel Kou come in and he holds a dark green kimono in his hands. It's beautiful and I notice the design of mountains and trees in a white at the bottom.

"Do you need any more weapons?" he asks looking to the gun and knife that lay on the bed and then to the large knife and gun on me already.

"I'm sorry, I thought you had said we were late," I say dryly. He snorts at my teasing expression and I can feel myself turn red with just being in my underwear in front of Kou. Sure he didn't really think of me that way, but that didn't make me feel any less embarrassed.

Kou came to me and smiles childishly and I realized that he was like a big kid. He motions for me to turn and I do as I'm told. He slips on an undergarment kimono and then ties it in the back. Then getting the dark green kimono, he dresses me. It feels like it takes forever and when he's done, I sigh. Going to the bed, I put on my shoulder holster. The familiar leather is somehow comforting to me. Grabbing Harry, I put him on the left side of my shoulder holster and then place my dagger on the right. Kou then dresses me with a Haori a simple white color with green stitching.

"Now let me finish your hair," he says and then makes me sit on the bed.

He pulls my hair back and I can feel him make a bun. The many piercings in my ears stick out and I wonder if I should take any of them out. Thinking that it wouldn't matter all that much if another gangster sees them, I don't take them off. I check if my neck emblem is visible and know that it is. Kou then places a silver comb with our emblem through the bun and I can feel him sigh.

"What's wrong?" I ask him when he lets me get up. I smooth out my bangs and see him looking at me with a large grin.

"I'm a magic maker," he tells me. I start to open my mouth in protest as he skips away laughing at me.

"Hey, I'm not that bad," I yell at him, following him quickly. I notice that he actually cut slits on the side of the kimono so I could walk easier. I see him go into his room and wait for him to come out. He comes out with a black Haori with our emblem on the back embroidered in white.

"Ready?" he asks me and I can make out the slight bulge in his side. He must be using a shoulder holster. I nod to him and then sees he hands me sewed green flats. I take them and put them on, minding my blade at my ankle.

"Let's get this over with," I tell him with a large smile. We walk to the front of the main house and find Fu, Hideo and Aiko there. All of my bodyguards wore the same black yakuza and black Haori with our emblem. They all have the familiar bulges with concealed weapons, but Hideo and Aiko have long katanas strapped to their left sides. They all nod to me and then we exit the house. As usual my syndicate members line the pathway, but the sun is high in the sky, the time only being 6 o'clock.

"May you return safely," they chant to me, already bowing. I stand and let them bow a little longer than normal. They have never seen me in such formal clothing and I wonder what they will think.

"Thank you. I will await your welcome when I return," I tell them with a tone of pure happiness. They all rise and when each of their eyes meet mine, I can see only approval and happiness. They smile at me and stare at my kimono. I smile back, happy that they're pleased with me. Fu disappears and I walk down the path with my seconds and my servant.

"Is Kasanoda expecting us?" I ask the twins. They give a 'hn' in reply and I can take that as a no. They didn't get a hold of him because they were too busy with Sendo-kai. Kou gives me a concerned look but I glare slightly at him and he calms himself.

I place a blank look on my face as the car finally comes around and Hideo opens the door. I get in and sit between Hideo and Aiko, Fu driving and Kou sitting shotgun. The car ride is filled with an anxious energy. The feeling isn't bad or even that negative, just curious. The ride to the Kasanoda-gumi syndicate takes some time, but before I know it, we're there. Fu drives up to a blue roofed Japanese style gate. On the side you can see the words, 'Kasanoda Syndicate', carved in wood. I play with my snake bites and then take a deep breath. Time for business.

I feel slightly anxious but I know my men are with me. I don't know if it's my bond with them that makes me feel better or if it's my sense of duty as boss. Taking another deep breath and closing my eyes, I let their strength wash over me. My anxiety is pushed down until I can no longer feel it. I open my eyes and know I'm in gangster mode. I won't have the anxiety or panic attacks I normally have. My persona is finished and change into the boss of Dojin-Kai.

Aiko, who sits at my right gets out and holds the door open for me. Kou is on the other side, lending his hand to me as I step out of the black town car. Immediately I walk up to the gates, feeling Hideo and Aiko at my sides and Kou at my back. Fu goes off to stay with the car. Going to open the door, I find that is it already creaking open and stand to the side. Out pops a young blond haired man with a broom in his hands and a bandage over his left cheek. His hair is long and his eyes are a golden color. He looks at me surprised and I look back at him with a blank face.

"Can I help you?" he says rather courageously. I can see him glance at Hideo and Aiko's katanas before looking back into my eyes. I smile sweetly and tilt my head gently.

"We're wondering if we could have an audience with your boss," I say softly with a voice of harmless girl. He stares at me surprised and I can feel his insecurity with my new approach.

"I can find out, but who are you exactly?" he asks, wary of me. He has good reason to be wary, I'm packing some heavy artillery.

"Yes, I'm Susan Crea, boss of Dojin-kai," I reply, my voice like knives now. The man looks at me with a steely look and he grips the broom tighter.

"Very well then, follow me," he says, leading us into the syndicate.

On the other side of the gate lays a traditional Japanese home. I can tell that the house that lays before us is the main house, but it is much larger than my own. It has a blue roof and a short walkway from the gate. The man then leads us past some members and I can feel them all tense with the sight of the twin's weapons. I grin and stare in front of me like they don't even matter. As a boss, I had to learn how to be arrogant and bone chilling. Most people never expect a young girl like me to be boss, so it scares them when I act like a coldblooded killer. Anyone acting like a coldblooded killer is scary actually.

The blond man took us into the house and we entered a living room and then turned to the left. He led us to what I would assume was the conference room and when we entered, he left to go get his boss. The room was simple and large. It had what looked like a dragon of black on white paper doors. At the top of the door read a sign saying, '80 years of chivalry'. I sighed and pondered sitting on one of the cushions at the table in the middle of the room. Before I got the chance to actually think about it, the door we entered, opened and in walked an older man.

"Hello," he says almost angrily. He looks at me and glares. I turn to face him fully and merely observe him in an almost bored fashion. He wore a dark blue yakuza and his hair was a graying dark brown. His eyes were a black, but were sharp in his old age. He had a small mustache on his lip that was slightly up as bared his teeth in an angry grin. I could tell that he has a gun under his yakuza and I wait with a blank look until he was done trying to intimidate me.

"Hello. I presume you are Kasanoda-san," I reply. I purposefully address him not in the most honorable honorific. He and I were technically on the same playing field, so I didn't have to act like I was below him. I watch as he comes around me, and could feel my men tense. The older man goes to the other side of the table and the blond man from earlier follows along with two other men dressed in black suits. The older man sits down and I follow in suit and sit also. Once we were seated, the rest of the men took their positions as guards and sit at our sides.

"Don't you think that three guards is a little much?" the older man asks with a smirk. He was trying to make me angry and I could feel myself want to snap at him. I keep my blank stare on and look to his men.

"If I did, then so did you," I reply blandly, looking back to him. I could see the smirk fall off from his face and I smirk in return. His face grows angry and I can tell that he has one hell of a short fuse.

"What do you want?" he hisses at me. I keep the smirk on me and then cock my head to the side.

"What no pleasantries? I thought the Japanese were supposed to be all about manners?" I ask cockily. The man looks like he's going to jump across the small table and choke me.

"I'm sorry," he says through grit teeth, "how has your day been?"

"It's been very nice so far. I hope that your day has been going well, Kasanoda-san," I reply cheekily. I can feel his bodyguards grow angry with my response. My own men in turn smirk. The older man looks at me with a death glare that would put the President in his place. I merely smile at him and await his next move.

"What are you here for Crea-san?" he replies.

"I'm here to ask for a truce."

"Why?"

"I'm new and can't afford to have two syndicates after me at the same time," I reply honestly. The glare falters for a second and what peeked through was a confused look.

"Are you planning on having a war with Sendo-kai?" he asks. He looks at me with an angry look now. He seems angry that I think I can handle them. The young blond man at the old man's side stiffens and looks to me expectantly. I glance at him and now know why he looks concerned. He's the heir. That's why he has the bandage on his cheek. Kou mentioned that he had his emblem on his face and the twins said he left for Kasanoda. I look to the blond and make my face into a creepy smile. He shudders and I turn back to the old man.

"Why are you asking? Were you planning on having a war with them yourself?"

"No."

"They you do not need to know my plans. All I need from you is a temporary truce."

"Dojin-kai has never asked for truces before," the old man mutters. Taking a side glance to Aiko, I see him look back at me. In his eyes is the trust after he gave me a piece of his finger. I turn back to the old man and see him watching me expectantly.

"Yes, but they also haven't been in Kanto before with a young American girl for a boss," I tell the old man with my blank face.

"What if I say no?" the old man asks me. I narrow my eyes and he involuntarily tenses at my slight anger. Before now it was all fun and games, but with this question he just got me too angry to control. I won't hold back anymore.

"Then that would be the wrong answer," I reply. He looks at me with a disgusted look and I go on and threaten him. "Your son attends Ouran, doesn't he? It would be a pity if something happened to him should I meet him on school grounds. I am a student there after all."

"You wouldn't—" he says, but gets cut off.

"And if that wouldn't be reason enough, I would make your syndicate burn to the ground. I am not Japanese. I do not fear losing my honor like the rest of the yakuza out there. I'm ruthless and won't hesitate to fight dirty if given the reason to. If I don't want to play with fire that day, we might play a little death match. I know that even you know of my reputation in those, so you make your decision now. Let us negotiate things and push the blood shed a little farther into the future or I swear I will make my move," I say to him darkly. My voice wasn't angry, merely full of warning and demand. The old man looks frightened but glares at me with harsh eyes.

"Very well then," he replies after a while. I look at him with a smirk and he glares back at me.

"No one is to step foot on my territory. In addition, my men will stay out of yours. We will not interfere with each other's business and we will not meet again until I revoke the truce. When that time comes, we'll see to our other terms as needed. If you violate these rules, the truce will be null and void and I will take measures to rectify the break. Do you understand me?"

"What if you were to break the truce?"

"Then you wouldn't need to worry about it," I reply while getting up. I smooth out my kimono and my men rise with me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked angrily.

"If I chose to break a truce, then I would make sure that you wouldn't be around to come back at me. When I make truces, I keep my word. I never break them, and if I do, then you won't be around to rectify them," I reply darkly. The old man looks at me with a death glare and I turn my back on him. "I hope you have a good day Kasanoda-san. Our truce begins now."

"Fine," the old man says to my back and I smile largely.

My men follow me out as I lead us out of the house and onto the path outside. The syndicate members look at us with disgust and I smile darkly at them. They shrink away and I can hear the front door to the house open. Turning around, I see the blond man from before. He looks at me angrily and I can tell he wants to speak with me, but his boss already agreed to the truce. I raise my eyebrow and catch a flop of red hair behind the blond man as he closes the door. I turn back around and exit through the open gates. We go to the car and get in quietly, but when we're locked in, Fu opens his mouth.

"There's trouble in the south district. It seems like Sendo-kai has gotten a hold of some of our members and is holding them hostage in a warehouse," Fu says quietly. I can feel Hideo and Aiko's anxiety and I sigh.

"Take us home so we can drop off Susan-sama," Aiko tells Fu. I look at the man with a dirty look.

"I'm coming. I got all dressed up in my kimono and put on all my weapons. I can go with you. I just didn't look pretty for Kasanoda, Sendo-kai should see me all dolled up too," I tell him. He gives me a surprised look but it transforms into something of pride.

"Very well. Fu take us to the warehouse," he tells the bald driver. I smile and take the bun out of my hair. I replace it with a straight ponytail and put the comb in the side of my head.

"Why did you take out the bun? I worked really hard on that," Kou whines jovially. I stick my tongue out at him and hear Hideo and Aiko chuckle.

The ride to the warehouse wasn't so bad. The southern district is the one closest with Sendo Kai. Kasanoda laid to the east and took up a good portion of Kanto—around half of the entire region. Sendo-kai was a little larger than us, but it laid to the south and what most would call the ghetto. Surprisingly the warehouse wasn't in a bad area though. It was in a middle-class area, only a mile from a supermarket. We parked the car at the market and then walked the rest of the way, meeting up with the other men.

The sun was still high in the sky and it was probably only 8 o'clock in the familiar feeling of being followed hit me again when we rounded the corner of the last apartment building and were across from the warehouse. Having my men wait there, I tried to devise a plan when I could hear a set of footsteps come around the corner. They were light and by the sound of how fast they were running, was trying to catch up with something. Waiting for the person, I saw a young girl round the corner and immediately my stomach sunk.

"Susan-senpai?" the girl asks and I immediately recognize her as the feminine boy from the brothel. I could feel my stomach gather butterflies as I looked at her in a pale pink dress. She wore a clip in her hair and black tights and flats on her legs. I point my hand and look at her with a surprised face.

"You're a girl. I knew there was something fishy with you. You walked too much like a girl to be a boy," I say hysterically. Then I feel Aiko and Hideo come to my side and glare at the young girl whose name I never learned.

"Ah," the girl looks down at herself and then back at me. "Yah I am."

"Why are you here?" Hideo asks in a calm voice.

"Who are you?" Aiko says angrily. I almost waved them off, but I was wondering the same thing.

"I was following Susan-senpai because I wanted to make sure she was okay. My name is Haruhi Fujioka and I'm a first year at Ouran. We actually met yesterday," the girl—named Haruhi—says with a blunt effect. I look at her surprised and then feel Kou come to me.

"We need orders Susan-sama," he whispers into my ear and I realize we were still across from the warehouse. The hostages won't be held for much longer. I put myself back into gangster mode and turn to Kou.

"Take Haruhi home. Then go get the car and meet us in the back of this building," I order. Kou nods and then goes to Haruhi. He grabs her arm, but she tries to shake him off.

"What's going on here Senpai?" she asks me. I shake my head at her and then lift up my kimono to grab Sally from my thigh holster.

"You shouldn't have followed me. It's dangerous," I tell her removing the safety. "Kou will take care of you. I hope you live around here, because we'll need him back if things go wrong. Follow his instructions. If he says run, you run. If he says stay here, you stay there. You don't ask questions. Right now, you just so happened to stick your nose in something that you shouldn't have. But I'll get you out, just follow Kou."

"But—"

"What was that? You aren't supposed to ask questions," I tell the girl with a smirk. She frowns at me and I turn to Kou. "Be careful and hurry back."

"Of course," he replies with a smile. I nod to him and he takes Haruhi and disappears. I walk back to the group, Sally in hand. The men look a little nervous and I give them a reassuring smile.

"Alright, status report," I tell them. Fu immediately comes in front of me and the men look at him expectantly. The six foot bald man doesn't even blink.

"A group of forty Sendo-kai members dropped in on a drug trade we were doing with a large client. They attempted to take the drugs, but when our men retaliated they took them hostage and tried to torture information from them. At the moment there are at least ten men of our fifteen that are still alive. The warehouse is simple in structure and it doesn't appear that they have lookouts or snipers. None of our members have given them information yet," Fu said with a strong voice.

I nod and then look to the men. Including me, we have twenty men. Five have heavy artillery and four have sniper rifles. The others have a mix of handguns and katanas. If we use the roof and rafters to our advantage, we can have the snipers take care of our backs as the heavy artillery go in first. I look to the snipers and pair them up with some men with handguns. I breathe in deeply, closing my eyes and fiddling with my snake bites. With the calm that surrounds me, I open them and then give my men a reassuring smile.

"Alright, you with the sniper rifles are going to have our backs when we get in there. I want you four with handguns to go with them and make sure no one is on the roof or comes to take them out. Machine guns, you're going to enter before the rest of us. Be careful with them coming at you. When you see them coming after you, lead them out of the warehouse. My group will take care of the rest, while snipers take care of those inside."

"Hai," they all reply. I nod my head and the men look at me with utmost trust. My plan was solid, and the most minimal amount of casualties will result from it.

"Now, let's go get our men back. Everyone move out and be careful. I expect all of you to come home with me," I tell them in a stern voice.

They look at me one last time before we all run off to our positions. I stand behind the men with the machine guns and am surrounded my Hideo, Aiko and Fu. As much as I want to be a part of the gang, I'm the most important person. I'm boss and my bodyguards will always take care of me before fulfilling the mission. I hold Sally in my hand and wait to hear the screams of men. The rounds of snipers ring out into the quiet day. The machine guns open the doors and run it. They start firing and it's easier than shooting a barrel full of fish with a shotgun.

Soon after the men with the machine guns run out and get to the side of the doors where we're set up. The first man comes out and I can feel my men waiting for me to take the first shot. I point at him and then when he's about to turn, I pull the trigger. He immediately falls to the ground with a bullet between his eyes. The rest of the men follow for a while, but they catch on and I wave my hand for the machine gun men to take out the ones waiting on the other side of the door. A shot goes out and hits one of my men. I watch as he falls to the ground, but crawls to the side.

Angry, I step forward and shoot with the machine gun men. Bullets fly past me as I kill five people. Out of ammo, I step to the other side and grab Harry, replacing Sally in the holster. I cock the gun and step out again. The kick on this gun is worse and I empty my six rounds into another three people while walking across the opening back to where my bodyguards are. Reaching into my shoulder holster, I take Sally out and put Harry back. I take out a magazine from the right side of my holster and put the empty one back in. Just as I reload, the shooting stops. I rush in, knowing my snipers took care of all of them.

Just as I enter, a man steps out from behind a wooden beam and puts his hands up. I point Sally at him and watch as he comes in front of me. He's bloody, but only from his dead comrades. I size him up and can tell by his hands he's one of the interrogators. His knuckles are bruised and bloodied with my men's faces. I glance at the middle of the room and see fifteen of my men. Two I can tell are dead, three are wounded and the rest are alive. I sigh in relief and frustration and then glare at the enemy before me.

"Will you beg for your life?" I ask him with anger. The man looks at me with tears in his eyes.

"Of course. Please, spare me. I didn't mean any of this," he says crying out. He is pathetic and I glare even harder as he gets on his knees and comes towards me.

"Did my men beg you for their lives?" I ask him angrily. Hideo and Aiko come to my side and watch me. I watch as the man wails.

"Please, don't kill me," he chants. I take a step forward and see him stumble backwards. I'm only a couple of yards from him and I hiss.

"Did they beg you for their lives?" I roar. "It's a simple question with a yes or no answer."

"Yes," he screams out, "they did beg."

"Then what makes you any different from them? That's right. You're alive and they're dead. But we can fix that," I say angrily and pull the trigger. The man immediately blows back from the shot and I watch as blood pours out of the head wound.

"Susan-sama, what are your orders?" Hideo asks gently. I put my arm down and turn to the center of the room.

"Get the wounded into the car and take them to our doctor. I don't want to lose any more men. Send for enough cars for the rest of us and have them meet in different locations. The cops will be here soon and I don't think school would like it if I get a record."

"Very well," Hideo says and takes out his phone to make the arrangements. Aiko looks at me and nods. He then goes to the wounded at the center of the warehouse and I turn back to the man I killed in cold blood. He was begging for his life and still I killed him. But I've done this long enough that I don't feel regret anymore. He killed members of my family and I had to kill him. He didn't spare my men.

I feel a hand come to my shoulder and see Fu looking at me with proud eyes. I smile a sad smile at him and he opens his mouth.

"I'm proud to be under your command," he tells me and then walks away. My heart swells with happiness and I follow after him.

* * *

_**Okay, this chappie is a little earlier than I expected. I was going to make you guys wait until the weekend, but I forgot about that. Oh, and Merry belated Christmas, late Hanukkah, and on-time Kwanza. I hope everyone had a good time. Mine was a little bit of a downer, but hey, that's life. If you have any questions, leave a comment. Back to the story: Now the weapons Susan uses are all real. Sally is (I believe) the third most popular weapon in the United States, Harry is from the iconic movie Dirty Harry, the large knife is army grade and the dagger (I believe) is British and used during WWII. As for Kou, yes he is asexual. I know out there in the world, there are people who disapprove of things that are different. There are varying degrees of hate, but hate no less. I want to show that Susan is really accepting of everyone and my own views really parallel with hers. If you don't like Kou's gender, leave me a comment saying why or if you love that I'm including diversity, leave me a comment. I'll try to make him as accurate as possible, but if you have problems, leave me a comment. The point: comment what you think. **_

_**So, now that that memoir is over: follow, fave, review, or/and obsess. Love you guys and thanks for everything. **_

_**(I do not own Ouran High School Host Club) **_


	5. The Door I Didn't Open

**Chapter Five: The Door I Didn't Open**

* * *

**"He turned away, and suddenly she thought about the old children's story, where the stupid girl opens the box that God gave her, and all the evils of the world fly out, except Hope, which stays at the bottom; and she wondered what Hope was doing in there in the first place, in with all the bad things. Then the answer came to her, and she wondered how she could've been so stupid. Hope was in there because it was evil too, probably the worst of them all, so heavy with malice and pain that it couldn't drag itself out of the opened box." **  
** ― K.J Parker_, Sharps _**

* * *

Today is Monday. I have to go to school. I have to chance seeing the weird hookers, who most likely will stalk me from lunch to the time I leave. I have to see that damn cross-dressing Haruhi who Kou had to take home, and who will probably come to me with a zillion questions. I have to leave my warm and comforting bed, with this upset nervous stomach and fatigued body. I have to change into my conspiracy in cloth uniform, and have everyone watch me like a hawk. I have to walk the halls and hear people whisper behind my back, and not even react because I can't go into gangster mode at school. I have to be a person. My god. I don't want to have to do anything.

"Get up! You're going to be late if you want to ride your board. Actually, you should have breakfast and Fu and I can drop you off," Kou tells me. I can hear him walk across the room and can discern the opening of drapes. Light hits my closed eyes and it burns. I hiss and shuffle under the covers further.

"I don't want to go to school. Please don't make me," I whine. The covers are ripped off of me and I open my eyes in surprise. The light hits my eyes and I clench them shut.

"Don't give me that. You have a test first period today. Don't think that I don't know," Kou says motherly as he picks me up and carries me out of bed. I flail and open my eyes to slits.

"I can walk. I'm up. I'm up. I swear!" I yell as Kou walks out my door. He drops me and I hit the ground with an 'oof'. Kneeling and brushing the hair out of my eyes, I hear Kou sigh behind me. Kou pushes me forward with his foot and I have half a mind to just sprawl myself out in the hallway.

"You take your shower and I'll leave your uniform outside the door," he says pushing me down the hall as I sit on my butt. When we get to the bathroom door, he diabolically whispers, "I'll convince Fu to make you pancakes."

"Alright," I yell jumping to get up. Fu never wants to make me American food. I haven't had pancakes in almost a month.

I walk into the bathroom and start the shower. Checking myself in the mirror, I can see that my black eye has almost faded completely. The skin is yellow to the right of my eye and there's only a green bruise on the inside, but the swelling has gone down completely. I smile happily and jump in my shower. Washing my hair, I think about my men. I lost four total in the hostage situation. Sendo-kai hasn't retaliated, but I know that the other shoe has to fall soon. Kasanoda has been keeping up the truce, but it's only been two days so I can't really hold them to it.

"Hurry up!" I hear Kou yell as he bangs on the door. I finish quickly and look outside the door to find my uniform. I dress quickly, wrapping a towel around my hair, and then run down the hall to the dining area. I pass the living room and find Aiko, Hideo, Kou and Fu waiting to eat.

"Finally," Kou laughs. I pout and fix the towel around my head. Aiko looks like he's starving and the minute I sit, he stuffs a pancake into his mouth. I look at him and laugh.

"Don't choke," I tell him. The large man with a scar over his right eye, nods and continues to stuff full pancakes into his mouth. I grab two pancakes and pour my syrup over them. We eat in content silence and I can see Fu finish. He leaves and I know it's to bring the car around. I finish my pancakes and get up to go get my bag.

"I already put your bag and board by the door," Kou says as we walk into the living room. He grabs my stuff for me and I take the towel off of my head. I shake my hair and water falls onto Kou and the floor around us. He gives me a scolding look and I shake again, tossing the towel on a coat rack behind the door. He goes to open his mouth and I walk out the door.

"Have a good day at school Susan-sama. We hope you return to us safely," my bowing syndicate members chant. I look at them all and comb my hands through my hair.

"We have experienced the loss of some of our members. I want you all to be cautious. I expect you all to be here when I come back," I tell them. I can feel tears gather into my eyes as I think about losing more members. My men look up and stare back at me with sad looks. I nod to them as I pass them and head to the car.

"You think we should have a shrine for our men?" Kou asks as we walk down the stairs. I wipe away invisible tears from my eyes and look at him.

"We're going to have an engraving stone for all those lost. I want it to be on the right side of the courtyard and we'll have a flower garden around it," I tell him.

"Where did you get such a wonderful idea?" Kou asks me surprised. We walk quickly down the stairs and arrive at the car. He opens the door to the car and I get in. He gives me my backpack and board before climbing in after me.

"I had a dream about it," I muttered.

I had a dream after I came home from the hostage situation. I saw a beautiful garden with roses of all different colors. A small path which was lined by rocks led to a six foot black headstone. On it were the names of men who had died prematurely. I could remember running my fingers along the names and feeling tears stream down my face. It was beautiful and I knew that the dream was supposed to come true. That would be the only way I could somehow make up for my men being killed.

"Susan-sama, we're here," Fu tells me. I didn't know how long I had been thinking, but the ride to Ouran had been surprisingly quick.

"Thanks guys," I tell them as Kou gets out and holds the door open for me. I pull my hair into a sloppy bun, after shaking what little water was left.

I climb out and grab my board and bag. Waving to them, I ride away to my first period class. I ride and ride through the halls, kids staring at me as usual. I bite my lip rings and turn my head downwards. The whispers have seemed to cease after a week of being here but the stares are persistent. Finally getting to my classroom I enter and go to my seat in the back. Honda-sensei looks at me from the front of the room and smiles. I blush slightly and smile a small smile back at her. Class starts and the test is handed out. I look at the first question and sigh. Dropping my head to the table I mutter in English to myself.

"_I'm not going to have a good day." _

* * *

I couldn't have felt worse about myself. I had studied for that history test like it was my only chance to live and I think I failed. The bell rings signaling the end of the day and I sigh in sadness. I tried so hard on it, but I can't help but feel like I didn't do well. My whole body was already anxious because I didn't want to come to school. The glares and now the test didn't help my anxiety and I was attempting to control myself.

In addition, the feeling that I was being watched only intensified after lunch. I knew that the brothel was just aching to find me. I have to leave now if I want to escape them, because if they find me I probably would have a full blown out panic attack. I grab my board and put my backpack on my back. Running out the door I can feel them running after. If I could just get away from them. I can't deal with them today. I can't do it. I can't pretend that I'm okay and that people don't make me nervous. I'll have a panic attack for sure if they catch me and I don't want them to see me like that.

Only the sounds of footsteps could be heard as I run towards the empty west wing. Running up the stairs, I drop my board and jump on. I was riding so fast my hair was blowing back and I could no longer hear the footsteps following me. I sighed and slowed down a tiny bit. I turned the corner and just when I think I'm free, I see people blocking my path. Of course, I didn't slow down enough and now I'm sailing off my board while trying to avoid them. I fall off, my board continuing its path and my bag sailing off my shoulders, and roll past them. When I stop rolling I stare at the ceiling, laid out on my back, and feel like I want to scream. I wish I had Sally in my thigh holster.

"Are you okay?" a feminine voice asks. I look up and see Haruhi in my line of vision. Her brown eyes are lined with concern and I can see her hands go out to help me up.

"Please don't touch me," I say as I wave her off. She steps back and looks at another person. Looking to the right I see Tamaki and Kyoya. I stare up at them and start to hyperventilate with the sudden appearance of people.

"Boss, did you," one voice starts.

"Catch her?" another finishes. The twins with orange hair say looking at me from above my head.

"Did you hurt her Tamaki-kun?" the little blond says from my feet with the giant standing guard.

I could feel myself hyperventilate and then start to shake. My eyes were wide with what I could only tell was fear. I didn't know if I should get up or if I should play dead. Maybe if I lie here, they would all disappear. They have club duties to attend to and should be leaving. If I just lay here, they should leave. But what if they don't. What if they just stand there or worse yet lay down with me because they thought I wanted company. I laugh nervously. Would they lie with me and just forget the world? I'm so funny.

"I think we broke her," Tamaki says coming awfully close to my face. I stare at him with wide eyes and can feel my hand make a fist. Just as I was going to make sweet sweet contact with his pretty face, he was yanked back.

"Tamaki don't do that to her," Kyoya says from behind him. I sit up quickly and the group looks scared that I actually moved. Still sitting I shuffle on my butt away from them, but I hit a wall and know that my attempt of escaping failed. I feel my heart pound within my chest and can swear I'll have a heart attack any moment.

"Please leave me alone," I tell them. They gaze at me with wide and surprised eyes. I pull my legs into my chest and bury my head into my knees. If I can't see them they're not there. They'll get tired of me and they'll leave me alone. I start to feel my palms grow sweaty and my breathing is starting to choke up.

"Are you okay?" a pair of voices say and I chose to ignore them.

"_Go away. Go away. Go away,"_ I chant to myself in English and choke on my own words.

"Guys can you leave us alone," a feminine voice asks. I start to cough and wheeze. My mind only chants, 'go away, go away, go away'. My head starts to feel light but dizzy at the same time. Maybe I'm dying. Maybe that's better than what I'm dealing with now.

"We're not leaving you alone with her! No! She might have guns or knives or might kill you," a voice says in protest.

"Look at her. You're scaring her. I'll be fine. She did save me," the girl mutters. The shuffling of feet is heard and I can feel tears of pain gather in my eyes. I can't let myself cry. I can't let them see me as weak. They just have to leave me alone and I'll be fine.

"Go away. Please just leave me alone," I tell Haruhi. No, I beg the young girl. I could feel her uncertainty but she doesn't leave. Instead, I can feel her hand touch my back. I gasp and begin to shuffle away from her. The girl instead wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her. I sit more still than any stone ever could and hope I pass out.

"You're okay. I won't hurt you," Haruhi chants after we sit there for several minutes. I laugh and raise my head.

"Why do you guys not leave me alone? All I want is to be left alone and you guys can't leave me alone. I can't handle this. I can't handle any of this," I tell Haruhi with a hysterical voice. My voice is shaking and this no longer feels real.

Haruhi stays quiet and I can feel myself begin my downward slope to calm. The shaking finally stops and I stretch my legs out. Trying to breathe in deeply, I wheeze but don't stop breathing in. I push Haruhi away and try to stand. I stumble and kneel on the cold marble floor. I look at my reflection in the white floor and see my scared face. My hair is all over the place and falling out of my bun. My complexion is sweaty and pasty. My breathing evens out as I stare at myself and I stand up. I walk to get my bag and board.

"Are you okay?" she asks me. I nod my head and can finally feel my heart even out. I look up to her and know I won't have another panic attack today. If I do, I'll just pass out from exhaustion. As it is, I feel like I just ran a five mile marathon after skydiving. My anxiety will plateau for a while and I know that I can talk with her now. I have only a little bit of time though.

"I'll be fine. Now, what do you want? Tell me quickly before I revert," I order to her.

"Revert?" the girl asks with a confused look.

"What do you want?" I ask exasperatedly. I watch as the other members of the brothel come out of a room. I back away from them like a skittish animal.

"It's okay. We only want to talk," Haruhi tells me, putting her hands out.

"About what?" I ask.

"We can't talk about it in the open. Please come into the room and we'll talk there," Kyoya says. I look at him with a raised eyebrow. No ulterior motives line his eyes and I nod my head gently.

"Okay. But we have to hurry," I tell the raven haired boy. He inclined his head to the door and I walk through. I'm surprised to see that the room is empty and free of dust. I can feel my heartbeat start to race once again. We don't have much time.

"Haruhi told us you know her little secret," the twins say in unison. I nod my head.

"What were you doing on Saturday?" Kyoya asks me, his eyes seeming like they grew three shades darker. This question holds ulterior motives; his eyes scream evil. I narrow my eyes and look back at him.

"That's none of your business," I tell him in a blunt tone.

"Will you tell?" Tamaki asks me, coming into my face again. I clutch my board and bring it around to hit him on the head. The dumb blonde is yanked back by the giant and the small blond looks at me with a dark glare.

"Your friends aren't here to help you this time. We will not have you hurting anyone tonight," the small boy says.

"You keep him on a leash then," I hiss angrily. The blond flinches with my harsh tone and I turn to see the giant at his side.

"Guys stop it," Haruhi says. I stare at the small blond and giant a second more before taking a step back. My palms are beginning to sweat. I have used my courage half way through.

"Get on with it. I don't have much time," I say looking to Haruhi. Her eyes slightly widen in what I hope is understanding. She opens her mouth but it is Kyoya who speaks.

"Haruhi is posing as a boy for certain circumstances," he tells me, an evil glint in his glasses.

"I don't care if she even did it for fun. People should get over themselves and not judge others by what they want the norm to be. If she wants to be a boy, let her. She is still Haruhi, no matter how she dresses or what gender she likes," I say quickly. The others look at me with surprised looks and Haruhi smiles at me.

"Thank you."

"No problem. It's only common courtesy."

"Well, there is a problem with you telling oth-" Kyoya starts.

"I won't tell if Haruhi doesn't want me to. Besides I don't talk to anyone so I'm the ideal person to know a secret," I tell them. Haruhi nods and I continue, "I promise I won't tell then."

"Good," Kyoya says. I nod and then go towards the door to leave. My heart begins to slow back down, calm coming over me knowing that this is over.

"Wait," Tamaki yells.

I hold the door handle in my hand and weigh my options. I could turn it and leave for what I would hope was forever. Or I can turn around and deal with them. If I stop now though, there's no counting that I could ever escape again. Fight or flight? Which should I choose? I wonder what would happen if I chose to stay. Would I be happy? I would finally have friends. I could finally be happy. I wouldn't be lonely. But if I stay, they can always turn on me. I'm scared of them as much as I am lonely. I guess this is what Tennyson said, 'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.' But is it really true?

"You want something? Can't I just leave?" I ask helplessly still facing towards the door. I'm still trying to make up my mind if I should leave them forever or open this can of worms. Will I be Pandora and open the box? Will I possibly unleash havoc on myself?

"We want to help you," the happy voice says. Listening to his voice, I notice an underlying tone to it. It appears happy, carefree, but underneath it all is a seriousness. Maybe even a seriousness because of pain. I realize it now. He's nice because he can't stand for others to be hurt. He's experienced being alone. That's why he wants to help me. But he found people. He's no longer lonely. I can be like him. But I'm not like him now. I'm a mob boss. I'm a coldblooded killer. I'm not normal.

"With what?" I ask, closing my eyes. I don't know if I can turn the handle. I don't think I can leave anymore. I've missed my chance. My courage is gone.

"We want to be your friends. No one deserves to be treated like you. No one should be alone," he says. I can feel the sadness in his voice. Again I'm questioning if I think that Tamaki is either the most stupid or courageous boy I've ever met.

"I can't have friends," I say, my hand falling off the golden knob. I've lost. I have just turned into the person they want to help. My mind just made up that I want to be saved. Maybe it always did, but there was no one there to help me.

"Of course you can," he laughs. I turn and look at him. The whole brothel looks back at me and I shiver inside. I can't have them as friends. I can't learn to trust anymore. But I don't want to be lonely. That's all I've ever been and now I'm realizing that I can no longer live like this. My anxiety is there to save me as an excuse for being alone. I'm alone because I can't talk to people. That's a lie. I can't talk to people because I don't want to feel like I'm alone.

"You'll see that I can't," I tell them and then walk out of the room. I don't tell them to leave me alone. I've lost. I think I'm going to regret not having walked out of that room sooner. I'm going to regret allowing them to think that they can be my friends. I'm going to regret this day. I'm going to regret being Pandora. I'm going to regret never opening that door that day.

Leaving, I know I have to get away from these fools. I go through the hall and turn around the corner. I'm so tired. My panic attacks really wear me out. I can't walk anymore and I can feel myself lean against the wall. Maybe I should call Kou. He'll come get me, but it'll be a while until he actually finds me. I take deep breaths and try to walk. If I had left those fools earlier, I might have had the strength to make it to the front. Fu is probably worried. I gather the last of my strength and walk through the halls.

I find the stairs and try to walk down them. I breathe in deeply after getting halfway down. My legs are trembling and my head is starting to spin. If I pass out on these stairs, there's the large possibility that I can fall and break my neck. I lower myself down using the railing and sit there on the stairs. I can feel my legs cramp like they're going to have a muscle spasm. Grabbing my hair in my hands, I pull it back into bun and tuck a loose strand behind my ear.

"Do you need some help?" a cold voice says. I look down at my feet and can feel myself blush. I've heard that voice before, and not too long ago at that.

"I don't know," I mutter and then look up at Kyoya. The raven-haired boy looks down at me from my right side.

"Well do you plan on sitting here until classes tomorrow?" he asks me, his tone lined with humor. I glance back down at my legs and will them to move. I pull myself up with the railing and then look to Kyoya. He stares at me, observing me like a hawk.

"Very funny," I mutter, feeling myself turning red under his gaze. I walk down, slowly but surely. Kyoya follows me on every step, watching like a cold shadow. When I finally get to the bottom, I sigh in both happiness and exhaustion. But my happiness is cut short when my legs finally buckle and I can feel myself go down, my longboard clanging to the ground. I don't hit the floor to my surprise. Instead I open my eyes and find I'm being held by longer arms.

"Would you like my help now?" Kyoya asks, pulling me up. He left arm is wrapped all the way around my waist. I somehow feel short next to him, and he isn't that tall of a guy. He picks up my longboard while still holding me as I try to make sense of the situation.

"I don't like being touched," I say with a gasp as he pulls me forward. His arm is searing into my skin through my clothes. He isn't even doing anything terrible, but I want to shake off his arm and slap the crap out of him. I can feel myself turn a scarlet color and I try to move faster with him holding me.

I see Kyoya's face out of the corner of my eye. He is peering at me in both curiosity and judgment. I know that he is going to tell me I'm an idiot for not wanting help. Then, he'll probably go on a spiel of how everyone needs help or something. Lastly he'll scold me for trying to walk down to the front by myself when I know I'm this tired. He opens his mouth to say something along those line when my phone rings. The pink panther ring tone saves me. I pull my phone out of my bag with Kyoya holding me.

"_Hey pa. How are you doing?"_ I ask in my familiar English accent. I feel the relief of speaking in my native tongue.

"_Susan, you sound terrible,"_ my father exclaims on the other side. I sigh and glance at Kyoya. He tries to appear like he's not listening, but we both know it's quite evident he is eavesdropping.

"_Yah. I had one at school,"_ I say into the phone. My father knows about my attacks and anxiety. I can almost hear my father's eyes widen in realization.

"_Oh. Can you make it to the car?"_ my father asks. Kyoya's arm tightens around me and I gasp_. "Are you okay? Is there someone with you? A member?" _

"_Not quite,"_ I mutter and try to shake Kyoya off. The boy just further tightens his arm. I shiver at the contact. I am beginning to hate the raven haired boy. He's worse than Tamaki. But at this moment, I might be very biased.

"_What does that mean? Are you okay? Is it like the first match we had?"_ he asks. My father is subtly trying to see if I'm being held hostage. The question refers to the first death match where I got held hostage.

"_Don't be silly. I'm much older and that wouldn't happen again," _I say jovially. I can feel a smile come to my face. Homesickness wracks my soul and I can't help but smile when I hear my father's voice.

"_I just want to make sure. That was only two years ago and sometimes you're a bit spacey,"_ he laughs out. His heavy New York accent feels like home and I stop my legs. Kyoya looks at me with a blank look. He then turns and stares forward as I feel my throat close with sadness.

"_Hey pa, I'll call you back. I'm with an outsider,"_ I tell my father. I can hear his gruff grunt at him realizing I'm not with a member.

"_Alright. When you get home, if you aren't too tired, you give me a call. If you just crash like you normally do, I'll call you tomorrow,"_ my father tells me. I begin to walk again, knowing that I was already half way to the car.

"_Of course pa." _

"_I love you Susan." _

"_I love you too pa."_ I hang the phone up and push back tears. I put my phone into the pocket in my waistband and turn to Kyoya. He is staring at me once again and the scarlet color of my face returns. I can feel my heart try to start to beat hard, but it's too tired. Overall, I'm just too tired.

"You miss him," Kyoya states as he looks back forward. I don't answer him, knowing it wasn't a question. Kyoya knows that my father misses me and that I miss him.

"Are you planning on walking me to my car?" I ask him, attempting to change the subject and watching my feet. My legs barely move any amount and I can tell that Kyoya is just dragging me along now. As much as I hated to admit it, I don't think I would be able to get to the car by myself. I don't want to be somehow indebted to this boy.

"Do you plan on walking there yourself?" he retorts with a smirk that said I couldn't do it. I stop and grind my feet into the marble floor. I glare at the boy through my red face. That did it. Kyoya making me angry finally gave me the strength to walk.

"Let me go," I order him. Kyoya looks at me and then raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow. How can he have a perfect arch? Do these rich people have personal hairstylists? Oh my god. They do, don't they? If smoke could come out of my ears, it would be. My whole head felt hot and I felt incredibly embarrassed.

"I don't think that would be wise," he replies. I can feel my embarrassment fade and I'm only left with anger.

"Please let me go," I hiss out. Kyoya nods his head and gives me a look that said, 'you're going to regret this'. Kyoya's arm that was burning my waist immediately fled from my body. I stood up on my two feet and then motioned for Kyoya to give me my board. He hands it to me and I lean against it.

"You don't like people helping you very much," he says blandly. I start to walk away from him. I couldn't tell if I was more embarrassed, more angry, or more tired. It was a real toss-up.

"No," I hiss and then start to walk faster. I exited the front doors and was outside. Only the long path to the gates now. That is all I need. I just need to get to Kou. He was probably planning on coming to get me.

"You also don't trust people," the cold voice says. That's it, I really think he's the worst in the brothel. Haruhi at this time, I believe, is the best.

"No," I say bluntly. I stumble slightly but then recover. "Do you have to follow me? I'll be fine. I can see the gates."

"And if you should fall now, Tamaki would be very angry at me," Kyoya replies. I can feel myself go red at the thought of them worrying about me. I start to walk faster and I clutch my board tighter as I see Kou in the distance. Kou sees me with Kyoya and starts to run towards us. I can see that he has his hand in his yakuza on his gun. Why do people always think I'm a hostage? Do I really look that defenseless?

"Susan-sama," Kou says as he stands in front of me. He glances at Kyoya and I can feel Kou's anxiety.

"It's alright Kou. Help me to the car," I tell the boy. He takes my board that I was leaning on and replaces himself as my crutch.

"What happened?" he whispers in my ear. I side glance at him and give him a reassuring smile.

"Kyoya, thank you for helping me. I hope you have a good rest of the day," I say angrily to Kyoya as we walk away.

"Yes. I hope you feel better. I will see you tomorrow," his voice calls out to me.

I nod and can feel the tips of my ears red with embarrassment, my anger fading. Did I really had to be helped to the car? Did he really walk with his arm around my waist through most of the school? Oh my god, what if someone saw? The rumors are going to skyrocket. They aren't just going to skyrocket, they're going to fricken light speed it out of here. Kou and I manage to get into the car and it is a second before Kou lets out his hysteria.

"What happened? Are you okay? Was it poison? Do you have a sample? Or were you stabbed? I didn't see blood? Oh my god what if you have cancer?" he goes million miles an hour. I sigh and look at Fu. Fu looks back at me through the rear view mirror. I can see his scared wide eyes and I put my finger to Kou's lips to silence him.

"I'm fine, just really tired. I hadn't been feeling well since this morning. I didn't sleep well last night and I've been a little stressed with my test. I really didn't feel well this morning, so nothing is wrong really," I lie to them. It's not really a lie, but I don't want to tell Fu about my anxiety problems. Kou looks at me and knows I'm lying, I pull my finger away and put them to my lips. He nods acknowledging that he should keep his mouth closed.

"Well, maybe you should stay home tomorrow," Fu tells me as we drive off. We drive for a small while and watch as we pass houses and apartments.

"Can you make me soup?" I ask Fu in a quiet voice.

"Miso soup?"

"Chicken and rice?"

"Alright. I'll get started on it when we get home."

"Thank you."

The car stops in front of the syndicate and Kou gets out and holds the door open for me. He gives me his hand and I pull myself out of the car. Walking up the stairs, I start cursing the architect who made so many of them. Before we get to the top, I pull myself off of Kou and do the rest myself. I don't want to worry any of my members. A sick boss is sometimes worse than no boss at all. Your whole gang would get hysterical if they think you're sick.

"Welcome home Susan-sama."

"It's good to be home."

I walk the rest of the way with a fake smile on my face. The only one who would notice it would be Kou. Hideo, Aiko, and Fu would know something was wrong, but they wouldn't ask me. When we get into the house, Kou catches before I can fall. He places my board he was holding next to the front door. Then he picks me up and hurries to my room. He can tell that I don't want anyone to know I'm this dead tired. I close my eyes for a second and I open them to see I'm in my room. Kou puts me under the blankets and I can feel his questioning gaze on me. I look at him and nod, telling him he can ask me what happened.

"So—"

"I had a panic attack. They wear me out. Kyoya found me on the steps and helped me out of the school," I tell him before he could barrage me with questions.

"What triggered it?" Kou asks, now worried.

"The brothel," I say, slightly angry.

"What did they want?" Kou says, his voice hopeful. I look at him and see him smiling with joy.

"They wanted to be friends," I groan exasperatedly and turn away.

"Did you say yes?" Kou asks expectantly. He really did want me to be happy. But happy isn't something I think I can be.

"I told them that I can't make friends," I say, closing my eyes. I can't stay awake anymore.

"So you said no?" Kou asks confused as I feel darkness overwhelm me. But before I enter sleep, I can feel myself mutter one last statement.

"No, I just didn't open the door."

* * *

_**New Chappie for the new year! Yay! Will the Susan's hope for friends be crushed? Or will Kyoya betray her? Or will she be something to Kyoya he never really expected? I am answering these questions, but they won't be answered for a while. The title is a parallel to the episode 20 of the anime named "The door the twins opened". Because Susan like the twins, has always been alone. The twins had each other and Susan had her gang, but they all were quite lonely. Susan does want friends, because she can't survive anymore by being alone. But unlike the twins who the club needed more than they needed the club, Susan needs the club more than the club needs her. But I can't help the nagging feeling that Susan will have to be betrayed by Kyoya. I know it's harsh, but I feel like I have to torture Susan. I'm sorry. In addition, this is the longest chappie and I changed the story from drama to friendship. Do you think it should be changed? I think we're going to focus on the friendship more often now. And same guestie, don't fear, the Host club will appear more often. Oh, and Happy New Year! May 2015 treat us all well!  
**_

_**Anyways, remember to follow, fave, review, and obsess. (I do not own Ouran High School Host Club)**_


	6. I'm Not Prepared

**Chapter Six: I'm Not Prepared**

* * *

"**Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation."**

― **Robert H. Schuller**

**But we're talking kings and successions, **

**Even you can't be caught unawares. **

**So prepare for a chance of a lifetime;**

**Be prepared for sensational news. **

**-"Be Prepared" from the **_**Lion King**_

* * *

"Kou, I'll be fine. Now please let me out," I moan. I'm currently in my uniform, my backpack on my back, and am clutching my longboard to my chest. Kou is blocking the door and Fu is sitting in one of the living room chairs listening to the whole ordeal.

"No," Kou says with a pout. I can feel my eyes widen at being told no.

"I can't miss anymore school. You didn't let me go to school yesterday and I can't afford to get farther behind in my classes. I need to see what my test is too. I **need** to see it!" I yell and then try to glare at the younger boy. I fail because he is just too cute with his uncombed blue hair and too large sleeping shirt and gym shorts. He didn't wake up early because he told me I wasn't going to school.

"No," he replies again with a pout. I frown and try to give him puppy eyes. I am the boss of this yakuza, I shouldn't have to do puppy eyes to leave my own syndicate. The blue haired boy looks at me with a pout and averts his eyes. I lose my puppy eyes and have an exasperated look on my face.

"Kou, for goodness sakes, I'm fine. You're being unreasonable. Isn't he Fu?" I ask, trying a different approach. I look at Fu who is sitting in my favorite chair, reading the morning paper. The older man looks up from his paper and sighs at me. He seems to be preparing for my reaction and I'm slightly concerned with this.

"I would like it if you stayed home one more day," he mutters and then pulls his paper up to protect himself.

"You traitor! You're both being childish. I am going to school even if I sneak out from the bathroom window," I tell them slightly angry. I know they're trying to do what's best for me, but I have to leave now. If not, I would have to get a ride to make in time for class. And I know that that they aren't going to give me a ride. I glare angrily at Kou but somehow feel like I should have been ready for this though.

"You wouldn't dare!" Kou squeals. I look at him and gently raise one eyebrow. Within his sleepy eyes, I can see his worry. He looks at the floor and gently bites his lower lip, thinking about what he should do.

"Kou, you can't worry about me so much. I will be fine. I actually have a weapon on me, so I can defend myself and threaten the brothel. Besides, they'll probably try to corner me but I'll wait them out and escape," I say reassuringly as I pat my right thigh.

My skirt mostly hid Sally, but it wouldn't matter if anyone knew. The twins had cleared it with the principal. Even though I'm pretty sure that it was my father's threatening that allowed me to carry weapons on campus if I concealed them. Kou looks back up at me and frowns. I smile and tilt my head a little bit. Kou looks at me and then moves aside. He smiles a small and worried smile back at me.

"We're coming to pick you up. If you are a second late or if you don't answer your phone, I'm going to look into homeschooling you," he threatens with a serious look. And here I thought he wanted me to have friends. I must have looked terrible if he is this worried about me.

"I'll call you if I'm running late. See you guys," I tell them as I open the door and run away from the house.

If they change their minds, I want to be far, far away from them. My syndicate members don't actually line the path today. They were told I wouldn't be leaving the house, but I guess they're wrong. I run down the path and take the stairs two at a time. Getting at the bottom, I jump on my board and ride down the hill fast. The main reason why Fu always picks me up is because I don't want to ride up the hill. My hair flies back and I grab it quickly in my hands. Pulling a tie around it, I make a sloppy ponytail. My hair is actually too long right now, but I think I'll grow it out a little more. Maybe it'll hide my ears. But then again it doesn't now and that's only because I put my hair behind my ears so often.

Turning at a stoplight, I notice how barren the street is. Now that I think about it, the border between my district and Sendo-kai is only fifteen minutes away. I'm reminded of the warehouse and realize that Aiko and Hideo are doing another trade there today. I hope they're alright, though I know that if anything goes wrong they can handle it. Maybe I should go that route just to check and see if the area is actually secure. They probably have a perimeter set up. Making a turn I don't normally take, I start to fiddle with my lip ring. Looking at the street, it looks somewhat familiar as I pass a large apartment complex.

"Susan-senpai?" a voice calls out. I come to a screeching halt. No, this can't happen this early in the morning. It's not supposed to happen this early in the morning. I can't deal with them this early in the morning. I'm not prepared!

"Yes," I reply, not looking back. I can feel my palms start to sweat. Maybe I should have stayed home.

"What are you doing on this side of town Senpai?" asked Haruhi as she comes in front of me. I sigh and look at her with a nervous smile.

"_I'm okay. Just be nice and courteous. She is the best one out of the brothel and I can use friends. I can make friends with her. I just have to be nice and not hyperventilate,"_ I say quietly with a heavy accent in English. The whole piece comes out scared and hysterically. Haruhi hears the whole monologue and just waits for my rapid breathing to cease. She waits almost a full minute before I can breathe without wheezing.

"I'm sorry to scare you Susan-senpai," she says with a kind smile. She truly is trying not to freak me out. I can feel my heart slow down, but my hands are still sweaty. I kick my board up while fiddling with my backpack.

"You don't scare me. I'm just bad with people," I mutter to her. She smiles and I gather my courage and ask, "You live around here?"

"Yep. This is my apartment complex right here," she says and points to the large complex on this side of the street. I would have never known she lived so close to me had I never changed my route. Damn it. I have the worst luck ever.

"Oh. I live up that way," I say and point back where I came from. Better to be vague. I don't want her coming to the syndicate anyways. I clutch my longboard and start walking past her. She gets the idea and then comes to my side. I pray we walk in silence, but Haruhi has a different idea.

"You really can't talk to people can you?" she asks. I shake my head in conformation and have half the mind to jump on my board and leave her. "You had a panic attack on Monday. You looked really tired when you left and you didn't show up at school yesterday. Everyone was really worried."

I sigh and feel my whole face turn red. They were worried? But they barely know me. Sometimes I think that they don't feel worry but feel angry that they don't have their play-thing. There can't be people who automatically worry about strangers. Those people don't exist. No, people take time to trust and even at that, you can trust the wrong person. I'm taking a gamble on the brothel, but I'm desperate. I don't have any friends. I have to at least make an attempt. Right? Uh, maybe not right.

"I was sick," I reply, my voice hoarse with force. I'm truly forcing myself to speak.

"Were you sick and that's why you had the panic attack? Or did you have the panic attack and that caused you to be sick?" Haruhi asked as we rounded another corner. I take a deep breath and stop my walking. I don't think I can deal with her much longer. As nice as she is, my chest is constricting painfully.

"Second one," I reply when Haruhi turns around. I gather my courage and decide to end our meeting. "I can't spend too much time with you right now. People make me nervous and my panic attacks make me sick. It's not because I don't like you or that I'm rude but it's because I can't deal with it. So, I'm going to leave and maybe we'll talk again."

"But, senpai," Haruhi starts as I drop my board to the ground.

I ride off before she could tell me anything else. I really can't deal with her this early in the morning. I'm actually surprised I said so many words. I ride faster to school and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. My heart slows down and I can breathe easier. Maybe I'm actually making some progress with my social skills. We'll find out with the rest of the brothel. I only hope I don't have another attack.

* * *

I got my test back. I actually didn't do badly. Scratch that, I actually aced it. Ever since Honda-sensei gave it back to me, I've been staring at it in disbelief. If I wasn't a mob boss and if Honda-sensei didn't like me as much as she did, I would have expected her to ask me if I cheated. We both know that I didn't. So I've been sitting here with my test in front of me, trying to see if this is really a dream or not. The bell rings and I know that it's lunch time. I should have been prepared for the brothel to bug me, but I was much too content with myself to actually remember them.

"Excuse me," says a sweet voice. I can feel my body grow cold. I should have been prepared.

"What do you want?" I ask Tamaki, not bothering to look at him. I mutter in English, _"I was too happy. I wasn't on guard."_

"We were just wondering if you wanted to come eat lunch with us," he replies. This time I turn and look at him with suspicious eyes and a red face. His blue eyes bore back into me and I can feel my heart start to beat in panic. I look down at my lap and bring a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Is it going to be all of you?" I ask.

I hope that he doesn't jump to the conclusion that I will say yes if it's everyone. I won't do that so I brace myself in case he decides to yank me up or come into my face. When he doesn't reply and silence fills the air, I look up confused. I actually hope that he already left. Instead I find him staring at my test with wide eyes. Kyoya comes up behind him and I scowl at the raven haired boy. He just pushes his glasses up in what I think is a challenge.

"You got a perfect score?" Tamaki breathes out in a terrified voice. I look at him and feel my face contort into a curious look.

"Yah. Doesn't everyone get perfect scores? Back home I was tied for first in the class because everyone got perfect scores," I say. My heart begins to pump harder when he looks at me and his mouth drops open.

"No. It's much harder here to get perfect scores. Honda-sensei makes the system as a whole nearly impossible for people to get perfect scores. I'm very surprised you got it," Kyoya tells me as I watch Tamaki leave and sit in a corner. The blond is almost accumulating his own personal shadow cloud.

"Did Tamaki not do well?" I ask Kyoya quietly. When I looked back to the raven haired boy, I found him watching me. I blushed insanely bright. If I get any hotter I could fry an egg on my face.

"He did mediocre," the boy replies to me. I nod and then turn to put my test away. While I'm looking at the binder in front of me, Kyoya sits on the chair in front of my desk. I can feel my heart pound and am already dreading trying to go home with these people following me.

"Are we through here?" I ask Kyoya in a harsh tone. I can't help it. People are getting on my nerves today. Besides, Kyoya is my least favorite person in the brothel and I would rather stay away from him and the evil glint in his glasses.

"Would you join us for lunch?" he asks me. I look and stare into his eyes. His eye lashes are long and you can't really see them from behind his glasses. But he looks really good in glasses. I wonder what he looks like with them off. Wait, what? I blush five times darker and I have achieved optimal egg frying temperature.

"Damn you," I mutter to him. I open my mouth to decline this invitation and calm myself when I can feel Tamaki behind me.

"Please Susan-chan! You said that you can't make friends, but we want to help you!" Tamaki says too loudly and the remaining people in the room turn and stare. My body tenses under the glares of the girls. Maybe I should stay away from these guys or else I'll have to kill some rabid fan girls.

"Tamaki please quiet down," I chide, but the boy then gracefully comes around and kneels at my side. He is so theatrical that it's no longer funny. I turn to Kyoya with a pleading look and he just adjusts his glasses and as usual they glint evilly.

"Please my hime-sama, I am begging you. Please accompany us for our lunch meal," he exclaims and suddenly offers me a rose.

I stare at the beautiful boy in both disgust and surprise. Disgust mainly because I can never believe he actually acts like this and especially with me. Surprise because, where the hell did he get that rose? For a moment I can feel my hand go towards Sally. No, I can't kill him I think sadly. I can feel the stares intense but not from the girls but from the boys. Now the whole male population of the class is checking me out. I start breathing hard and I motion for Tamaki to move. He tries to give me the rose but I don't take it from him. My palms are sweating badly and I know I need to get out of here. There was too much attention on me now.

"Hurry up and lead the way," I hiss quietly to Tamaki.

My chest starts painful compressions and I bite my lip piercing for a distraction. Tamaki nods and can see that I'm started to get bad. He quickly goes down the aisle of the room and I follow him quickly. Kyoya is right on my tail and I can feel him inspecting every part of me. It doesn't really help the situation. We leave the room and I start running towards the empty wing of the building. I can hear the two boys following me but I'm more concerned with my beating heart. My breathing is ragged and as I run up the stairs I can feel my throat nearly close. I turn down another hall and finally stop.

"Susan-chan, why were you running?" Tamaki asks me when he finally caught his breath. I go to the wall and slide down it to sit. When I'm situated, I look up at him and merely breathed in and out. He looked at me with concerned eyes.

"You can't make a scene. People stare and then I get panic attacks. If I have another one at school, Kou said he'll keep me home," I wheeze out. My face is red with his concerned stare. I look to Kyoya and to my surprise he is just leaning against the wall next to me. I feel tired, but nothing like my panic attacks.

"You can't go to the lunch room then," Tamaki says as he thinks. I look to him and am about to tell him to forget about me when he exclaims, "I'll go get us some lunches. You two stay here and we can have lunch here."

"Wait," I start and watch as the blond runs towards the lunch room. The arm I stretched out to stop him falls to my side and I sigh. Maybe Tamaki is really a stupid but courageous person. But he is stupid.

"Why weren't you at school yesterday?" Kyoya asks me. I stare forward and avoid eye contact with him. My heart is still pounding and I just want there to be silence. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. When I feel myself almost come down completely, I feel a foot touch my leg and look up. Kyoya is looking down at me with an annoyed look. Looking back down, I frown into my legs.

"No talking," I tell Kyoya. I can feel the boy slide down the wall and sit next to me.

"Why not?" he asks and I can feel the smirk on his face. I can also feel him staring at me.

"I want to calm down. With you guys I swear I'm going to have a heart attack. I just want to calm down right now," I tell him truthfully. My heart is finally back to its normal pattern of beating and I realize that if I don't look at Kyoya I won't get nervous. Well, I'm still nervous, but not seeing his face really helps.

"Have you always had panic attacks?"

"They've grown since I was little. They got worse when I turned fifteen."

"What happened when you turned fifteen?" he asked in a suspicious tone.

I open my eyes and turn my head towards the Kyoya. Somehow not surprisingly, he's staring at me. His head is a short distance from mine but I still have to look up slightly. I purse my lips and he is smiling, but it feels wrong. His eyes are darker than normal. Even though I haven't known him a long time, I know when he's trying to get me to tell him something. He looks so mischievous, yet evil at the same time. Like we're playing a death match only he knows about.

"You don't need to know," I reply in a harsh tone. He quirks his eyebrow and looks forward. I turn forward and close my eyes again. Suddenly Kyoya starts chuckling. I choose to ignore whatever is going through his mind.

"Why won't you tell me anything about yourself?" he says, still chuckling.

"I don't like you. You're a suspicious person," I remark with a snort.

"I'm suspicious?" he asks in a surprised tone.

"I'm good at reading people. It's been ingrained into me since I was ten. You're different. You feel suspicious."

"Are you sure you aren't just scared of me?"

"No. You're suspicious."

Kyoya finally stops talking after that. Silence fills the space between us and I suddenly don't think he's so bad. I wonder why he was so surprised that I could read him. When I think about it now, anyone would probably think he's not bad. But I've had people trying to kill me since I was ten. I learned when strangers were lying to me. When I became boss of the Vario crew, I knew when a drug dealer would go against his word or when a newcomer was really an undercover cop. It was something that I was very cautious about. I was betrayed not by a stranger, but by a friend. It wouldn't be betrayal if it wasn't someone I trusted. The person who betrayed me turned into an informant after he became my friend. He was a coward.

"Susan-chan are you alright?" Tamaki asked. I was so into my mind that I didn't hear him coming. Rapidly opening my eyes, I can see him holding three sandwiches in his right hand and a bag in his left.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" I reply. Tamaki sits down across from me and Kyoya. He hands a sandwich to both of us and then pulls out milk from the bag. He hands one to each of us before opening his sandwich.

"You looked like you were going to cry. That or you were going to punch Kyoya," Tamaki replies with a shrug of his shoulders. I can feel the tips of my ears turn red and I look at my sandwich. Thinking about that betrayer always make me look like that.

"I'm fine," I try to reassure him. I take a bite of the sandwich and then open up the milk. The sandwich is actually pretty good and tastes like a mix of roast beef and turkey with Swiss. I take another bite when I feel Tamaki staring at me. I look up at him and see a puzzled look across his face.

"How do you eat?" he asks with a perfectly honest face.

"You really are stupid," I say with an exasperated groan. I take another bite of my sandwich. Tamaki frowns and then pouts with my insult, realizing that I thought he was stupid for a while.

"I meant with your piercings. Why do you have so many anyway?" he asks as he takes another bite of his sandwich.

"The first week or so is a real hassle to eat, but you get used to it. I've had them for almost two years now, so I don't have trouble. I have all my piercings because of," I stray off and try to think up a lie. The real reason why I have all the ear piercings is because it's my tally of the death matches I've won. Thirteen matches in total so far. I've never lost. The snake bites were because I wanted them.

"Because," Tamaki prompts. I look at him and frown. I look at my sandwich and try to think up a lie. My face turns slightly red with his staring and I figure they would take my lying tell as embarrassment. Maybe if the lie is embarrassing, they'll believe it.

"Because," I say and then find a good lie. I look up at Tamaki and my face reddens more. "My boyfriend used to do them. I wanted to have as many as him. I never caught up to the bastard."

"Why was he a bastard?" Kyoya asks. I turn and see that he is actually being honest. I look at him and smile a little, knowing they're going to buy my lie.

"It's a long story, but let's just say I hate cheaters," I say, placing an angry tone to my words. I look back to my sandwich and eat it. It's surprisingly quiet and I realize that the boys don't know what to say. I smile into my sandwich and we eat the rest of lunch in silence.

When we hear the bell, we all get up and walk back to the classroom. I'm surprised that I actually ate lunch with people. I haven't eaten lunch with people since I was thirteen. Four years of lonely lunches have passed by. I look to Tamaki and notice for the first time that I'm happy he's so overbearing. If it wasn't for him, I would still be alone. I'm far from being friends with them, but I'm making small steps. At least next time, I'll be prepared.

* * *

Well, I wasn't quite prepared for what the brothel did after school. The bell had only rang a minute ago and already I'm running from the brothel. Running up stairs then jumping on my longboard, I can hear their steps dwindle. I turn the corner and feel deja vu. Suddenly they're blocking my path and as usual I'm sailing off my board, rolling a couple of feet from my dropped backpack. Sally digs into my thigh and I wince slightly in pain. Good think I gave the safety on. I close my eyes and will the brothel to go away. When I open them a minute later I notice I'm surrounded by them as they look down at me.

It was an exact replay of Monday. I feel my panic attack start and I scoot away from them. My back hits the wall as usual and I close my eyes. I try to feel if Haruhi is going to come to me but after she doesn't I open my yes. I can see the brothel staring with wide eyes as they stand across the hall and remain quiet. I sit there and stare back at them. Didn't they have their club? Where do they get the energy to actually follow me? I stand up using the wall and close my eyes to just breathe. When my heart slows down, I open my eyes and can see the brothel looking at me with concerned eyes.

"Why didn't you come to school yesterday?" the twins ask me as they hand me my backpack and board. I take my things and then look at them. I brace myself on the wall some more and move along its cool surface.

"She was sick," Haruhi replies to their question. I give her a glare.

"_Traitor,"_ I mutter in English. Between her and Fu giving me up, I can't do anything.

"Sick?" the little blond boy says. I look to the little demon and scowl. Smoothing out my skirt I ignore him.

"Yes. Her panic attacks make her sick. She can't speak with us for too long. Actually she can't talk for very long at all," Haruhi says. Giving the girl another glare, I can see her shy away from me.

"Really? I didn't know that," Kyoya chimes in. Deciding to change the topic, I try to figure out what to say.

"Don't you guys have your brothel to run?" I ask harshly. Immediately I feel bad for being so harsh on them. I place a sorry look on my face and look to Haruhi. Her large brown eyes are understanding and she replies.

"We were actually wondering if you would like to come."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not into that stuff. Bad for my reputation and all that," I reply with a wave of my hand.

"We do not run a brothel!" Tamaki exclaims.

The boy is suddenly in my face with a pout. I stare at him for a few moments before realizing he's still arguing about his club activities. I give snort in his face and he goes to a corner. Immediately the darkness is back and I quirk an eyebrow at Haruhi.

"Does he do that often?" I ask her.

"All the time," is her reply.

"I'm sorry," I apologize to her. With my cheeky comment, I can feel my palms grow sweaty. Did I really say that out loud? Oh my god, that's terrible.

"It's okay," the twins reply. I look at them and feel my face turn into a confused look.

"What are your guy's name?" I ask with a red face. I can't believe I never learned any of their names.

"I'm Kaoru," says the twin on the left side. I study his face and notice his hair is parted to the right. His eyes are somewhat older looking than his brother. He also stands a little straighter than his brother.

"I'm Hikaru," says the twin on the right side. His hair is parted to the left and I notice his eyes are brighter. Not in a malicious way, but childlike and almost mischievous. In addition, his muscle mass is slight more than his brother.

"Ok," I reply when I'm sure that my assessment is done. The twins look at me with smirks.

"Do you like what you see?" they ask. I snort and can feel my ears burning.

"I'm making sure I know which is which," I reply then turn to the giant and the small blond demon.

"I'm Mitsukini Haninozuka but you can call me Honey," says the demonic blond pointing to himself. He points to the giant and continues, "This is Takashi Morinozuka but you can call him Mori."

"Okay." I wonder if they're from that legendary karate families. I think I remember Fu saying something about them. I don't really remember. I wasn't paying attention too well.

"So? Are you coming?" the twins ask in unison. I look at them and then shake my head and try to walk away. Honey, the little demon, stands in front of me and I look down at him and wonder how he is in high school.

"I don't want to come to your club. I've spent more than enough time with you weirdoes as it is. No offense Haruhi," I tell the girl. She puts her hand up.

"Don't worry about it Senpai."

"But you have to come," the twins say again.

"I don't have to do anything."

"But we want to be your friends," Tamaki exclaims, obviously over his depression.

"Yes, and I get that. But you guys have to give me time. I don't work well with people. I take time to adjust and you guys sneak up on me like I'm about to be jumped," I start out calm but it progressively gets more hysterical and my heart beats more rapidly. "I don't do friends. It's just who I am. You guys are overbearing and perky and all too weird for me to just hang out with you guys. We can try to be friends, but I make no guarantees! With the way you guys treat me like I'm some exotic animal that has to be cornered and surrounded, maybe I'll get used to you more if you just approach me nicely. And no I don't want to come to your brothel!"

I breathe heavily. That's the most I've ever said to them. My heart is beating like I'm going to die and I close my eyes. I gasp and try to take in air. But somehow, no air is coming into my lungs. I choke and can feel someone come up to me. I open my eyes and see a hand go out to help me. I slap it away and then walk back to my wall. I place my head against the cool marble and try to breathe.

"Susan-sama!" a voice shouts. There's my nice twin: Hideo.

"Get away from her!" screams an angry voice. And there's my angry twin: Aiko.

I can hear guns being pulled out of holsters and feel arms wrap around me and push me behind someone. Finally opening my eyes I take in the scene. My twins are dressed in red yukatas which are slightly open from drawing weapons. Hideo and Aiko are holding the brothel at gunpoint and Kou is shielding me from them. Kou turns around in his blue yukata and looks me over. His eyes are completely worried and I know what's running through his mind. If I'm hurt because of the people he wanted me to make friends with, he'll never forgive himself.

"Guys, disengage. I'm fine. They didn't lay a hand on me," I tell my twins. The immediately put their weapons away. Kou looks at the brothel, his inspection finished.

"Orders, Susan-sama?" the twins ask.

"Go wait in the car. I'll be right there," I tell them in a rough tone. They sometimes are a little too gun happy for my comfort.

"Hai," they reply and head towards the front. How they found me was a surprise in and of itself.

"Kou you can go back to the car too," I whisper to the young boy. He stands and pushes me behind him when I try to walk around him.

"You are the people who caused Susan-sama to be sick," Kou says angrily. I hope he doesn't take out a gun and start shooting them if they argue with him.

"We did not mean to make her sick," Kyoya replies. The brothel looks shaken up from having weapons pointed at them again, but they're recovering remarkably quickly.

"We just want to be her friends!" Tamaki says happily. Kou looks to the larger blond and scoffs.

"Friends don't circle friends like a pack of lions. You people aren't good for her if you're going to cause her panic attacks when you try to talk to her. She doesn't need friends like you then!" Kou exclaims back at them.

"We're sorry," Haruhi apologizes. "We're trying not to do this to her. In the future, we'll make accommodations for her panic attacks."

"Yes. I have an idea," Kou roars. "How about you stay away from her?!"

"Kou that's enough," I order when he opens his mouth to yell some more. His face is hurt that I chided him for protecting me. I look at the boy and give him a reassuring smile and ruffle his hair.

"I'll be fine. They're going to try to be my friends and they're not going to do this to me again. If they do, I won't ever talk to them again. Okay?" I ask him in a soothing voice.

"If that's what you want," Kou replies with a soft smile. I smile back at him and then turn to the brothel.

"Heed my words. If you do this to me again, I won't hesitate to take precautionary measures," I say darkly. My mind is transferring into gangster mode with Kou by my side. I leave after the brothel gives me nods of confirmation.

Kou and I walk to the car in silence. I can tell that he wants to ask if I'm alright, but he knows it'll make me angry. I already said I was fine, so there should be no reason to question my judgment. When we finally get outside and head to the gates, I can see my twins waiting by the car. We all get in, myself squished between the large twins and Kou getting shotgun.

"Susan-sama, there is a slight problem with Kasanoda-gumi," Fu announces as we drive off. I sigh and put a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"What is it?" I ask, exasperated by the day's events.

"Two of their members want to switch yakuzas. They have come to us to see if they are allowed in. I have two members watching them right now," the man driving replies.

I can feel my eyes darken with suspicion. Why are two members transferring alliances right now? Do they want to spy on us? Or are they trouble makers? I won't know until I talk to them, but even at that they might try an assassination attempt. That's why my men are so on guard. They're expecting a set-up and are nervous. I sigh once again.

"_I'm not prepared for this shit,"_ I curse in English.

* * *

**_Hey there everybody. Hope you like this chapter. It's a little more dialogue than I normally have, but we're learning more and more about Morrigan's past. We are also seeing how she sees Kyoya: lol, suspicious person (aka stranger danger). Now I know I have a lot of OCs, but it's actually for a purpose. You see, I'm trying to make a mirror of the Host Club in Dojin-kai. We've already met the twins (Hikaru and Kaoru, Aiko and Hideo), the one who cares about Haruhi/Susan the most (Tamaki, Kou), the one who runs things behind the loving person (Kyoya, Fu) and next chapter we're going to see the cousin's parallel. So in all of this, Susan is Haruhi's parallel. Although Susan is like Haruhi in some respects, she is also somewhat like a foil. Haruhi is a natural people person, Susan has panic attacks. Haruhi lost her mother/had very little family, Susan had a large family. Haruhi had friends, as seen when she works for the break, while Susan has been alone. Susan at times can be cut throat and doesn't expect the best out of people while Haruhi gives everyone a chance. So you see my lovely readers, all for a purpose. I only hope you guys will like it! Ciao. _**

**_Remember to follow, fave, review, obsess. (I do not own OHSHC)_**


	7. Is it a Dream or a Nightmare?

**Chapter Seven: Is it a Dream or a Nightmare?**

* * *

**"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."**

**― Douglas Adams, ****_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_**

**"Some people see things that are and ask, why?**

**Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?**

**Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."**

**― George Carlin**

* * *

"Alright, this is what's going to happen. I'm going to go in with the twins. Fu and Kou you two are going to make a group and secure the syndicate. I don't want anyone coming in or going out. If you guys hear shots, do not come into the conference room. I'll take care of it myself and I'm not planning on getting a hole in my uniform. I trust that everyone is armed, so if you need to use them, use them."

The car is silent with anxiety. I take Sally off of my thigh holster and take the safety off. Might as well be totally ready when we get out of this car. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. My men need to be strong. But they need me to be stronger. I am not nervous. My purpose is to protect my men and be ready. I am prepared. Opening my green eyes, I can feel them change. I'm in gangster mode. My men will live another day.

"We're here Susan-sama," Fu says as the car comes to a stop. I can feel Hideo move to get out, but I grab his sleeve.

"I will protect you all. This might be a set-up, but this might not be. The truth is we're going in blind, but I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that we all are going to have dinner together. Maybe Fu will actually let us eat pizza for a change," I chuckle and then smile at my men. All the men turn to me and I say, "Trust me. I promise I won't let you down."

"We are aware Susan-sama and I speak for all of us when I say, we trust you. But you must remember that we will protect you also. You aren't the only one who stands on your side. We are here for you," Fu tells me. I look at the bald man and smile. Tears are threatening to break my mode of mind. This is the kind of trust I need. These men are more trusting than my previous crew. This is my true family.

"Yah and maybe Fu will give us pizza for once," Kou says, shaking his blue haired head in humor. I laugh and Hideo moves to get out. I can see a slight mischievous smile on his face. Leaving my board and bag in the car, I slide out. Getting out behind Hideo, I can feel Aiko getting out behind me. His face is also lined with the same mischievous smile.

My smile turns into a smirk and put Sally in the back of my skirt. Kou stays in the car with Fu so he can go park it. I begin to walk up the stairs with the twins flanking me. When we get to the top, my syndicate members line the path. They are all solemn and bow to me, staying silent. I can feel their fear in the air. They know that as much as I do, that this could be a set-up. They know that these visitors might kill me. My mind is calm, gangster mode filling me. I'm confident even if these visitors are ready for killing me.

"What no 'hello'?" I ask my members with a smirk. My men rise and look to me.

"Hello, Susan-sama," is their only reply.

Their faces are concerned and anxious. I begin to walk and reach the door. I allow the twins to go in and turn back to my men. My men are a rainbow of clothing. Looking at each of them closely, I can see their worry, their experience, and their fear. My men range in age, some as young as Kou others as old as my pa. They have come from all walks of life, but we all have something in common. We were alone before we came here. I was alone before my father found me and gave me a home. This is my home. They're part of my home.

"My men, I was sorry that I snuck out this morning. It was, childish," I smile and they smile back. "At the moment I am going to have a meeting with these visitors. Be on guard. I expect all of you to send me off when I go to school tomorrow. Because you can trust that I will be going to school tomorrow."

"Hai," they reply with less fear in their eyes. They're still worried about me, but I can tell that they trust my judgment.

I nod and then go inside the door. I take off my shoes and don't bother with my house slippers. I take Sally out of my skirt and make my way to the conference room. The twins already made their way to conference room. I walk faster, not liking my men to be alone with these Kasanoda people. When I come to the conference room door, I hold Sally and open the sliding door. In front of me are my twins sitting on this side of the table.

Across from them is a large man in a black yukata and a smaller woman in a black kimono. The large man is in his twenties and has an almost angular face with dirty blond hair but black eyes; he's a mix of Japanese and what I might suppose was German decent. The woman is also in her twenties but is more German than Japanese, her hair being a black but her eyes a light blue and a short muscular body. They're both good-looking and appear to not have their Kasanoda-gumi daimons anywhere, if at all.

"Well, what do we have here?" I ask them with a smirk, putting Sally to my face in a thinking expression. The two strangers tense and I stare at them with a raised eyebrow. If they are here to kill me, they would have done it to me already. I know that they would have had their weapons removed, but a good assassin always hides them well.

"Susan-sama, this is Hana and Haru Krupke," Hideo tells me, awkwardly pronouncing the German last name. I move to sit. These are the worst assassins. That is if what they wanted to do was kill me.

"Ah, I thought you were German. Are you siblings?" I ask them with a raised eyebrow.

"Cousins," the woman—Hana—says while her kin merely nods his head silently. I sit down and lay Sally on the table, towards them. Their eyes are wide and scared. I watch them as Hana looks to Haru for reassurance. Haru looks to me and I can see him tense under my examination.

"Well. What are you here for? My men told me, but I want to know what you're here for from your mouths," I tell them. Again, the large man tenses and the woman opens her mouth.

"We are here to see if you would take us in," Hana says. She moves her arm to her hand into her black kimono and I immediately have my gun pointed at her. The motion is like she's going to pull out a gun. I no longer think she isn't an assassin. I'm very suspicious.

"I don't like that movement," I hiss as her cousin puts his arm in front of her body. I look to him and my twins already have their guns pointed at him. "Hands are to be where I can see them if we continue this meeting. And by continue this meeting, I mean, you are still alive."

"I'm only reaching to get my money pouch," Hana squeals with wide blue eyes. I raise an eyebrow with my glare still on my face.

"I don't want your money. I want to know why you came to me. Why not Sendo-kai or another smaller yakuza? Why did you leave?" I ask bluntly with a glare. Hana and Haru lay their hands on the table and the twins relax slightly. I put my weapon back in front of me and the twins lay theirs next to Sally.

"Because you made a treaty with Kasanoda-gumi and you're going after Sendo-kai. We heard about the hostage situation turned massacre. Our old boss was going to try to eradicate you even after you made the treaty, but when we heard you took out Sendo-kai's largest regiment he reconsidered," Hana said and I scoffed in disgust. Hana's cousin glared at her through a side glance. I could only think it was because she let slip that Kasanoda was going to go against our treaty.

"So what you're saying is that you don't want to be on the losing team?" I ask Haru. The large man looks at me and then runs a hand through his blondish hair.

"Hai," is his only response.

I nod my head once in understanding and then put my hand to my chin. I rub it and observe these new applicants of sorts. I stare at them and contemplate. These two can very well be traitors. Hana has yet to answer why they left. But that is really meaningless. They could be spies. That would be worse than if they're just troublesome children. But how would I solve that if they were spies? What would father do? He would probably say, 'keep your friends close, but your enemies closer'. If they are going to spy on me for Kasanoda, have them so close to me that they wouldn't be able to go back. But I could always kill them if I grow tired of these spying games. I look to the cousins and watch as they shift uncomfortably. Might as well know what kind of people they are.

"Why did you leave?" I ask them, taking my hair out of its ponytail. The cousins cast nervous glances at one another but remain quiet. My anger boils up and I unleash it in a roar. "How dare you! You come to my syndicate, sit in front of me, take the time out of my day and you won't give me the courtesy of answering my questions. You fools! You hypocrites! You ask all this of me, and you won't even give me answers."

"I'm sorry Susan-sama," Hana cries out. Silence covers us once again and I look to the woman. She turns her head down in some kind of emotion. I stare at her and notice that her face grows red and I realize the emotion is shame. Whatever they left for, it was because of her and she's ashamed because of it. I don't care though. If she doesn't tell me, I can't help them. I pick Sally up and point it at Hana.

"You expect me to allow you in, without knowing if you're spies? You don't want to tell me why you left Kasanoda," I say in a calm voice. My voice drops in volume and grows sharp like a knife. "I am not a fool. I will not put my men in danger if you are here because you want to do harm. I don't care if why you left was shameful, or if you are running away because you disobeyed. I need to know why, for my men, for my family."

"It's my fault," the cousins say at the same time. Both of them put their heads down at the same time. I've had enough of this. I cock my gun and point it at Haru.

"Speak," I order.

"They were going to force her to marry. She couldn't. The man that they were forcing her to marry was a bastard. He would have treated her badly. In a drunken stupor he would have killed her. I told Kasanoda about it and he turned a blind eye. I couldn't let her do that, so I forced her to leave with me. We came here because I believe that you could protect her. If you only take her so be it. As long as she's safe," Haru says.

I look at the man. Throughout his monologue his eyes fill with tears. I watch as Hana looks to her cousin and starts crying herself. Their eyes and body language say that what was said is the truth. I didn't feel that they were spies, but merely scared humans. I watch as Hana throws herself into her cousin's arms and cries. I keep my gun on them, just in case. Should I take them in? They didn't seem like they were lying and if I keep them close to me, they won't be able to report to Kasanoda. They escaped and they are asking for help. I have to help them. If I don't, I would regret it.

"Back in your seats," I tell them. Hana lets go of her cousin and sits back down. I lay my gun down and stand up. "Do you have weapons?"

"No," they answer.

"Are you sure?" I ask one last time. They both shake their heads.

"Your men took them when we got here," Hana says.

"Then follow me. I'll have Fu get you guys set up. I expect you guys to stay with him at all times, if you aren't off with me. You're going to be my bodyguards. In addition, you listen to my twins and if they're gone you listen to Fu. You are to not leave the syndicate. If I catch you a foot off the property line without me, I'll kill you. I'm not going to have you go back to Kasanoda and reporting what I'm doing. Do you understand?" I ask them, turning my back and walking out the room. I hear their footsteps behind me.

"Hai," they reply.

"Very good," I say and walk towards the front door. Going through the halls, I stop at my room. "This is my room. I have school on the weekdays, so I expect you guys to escort me to school. Picking me up, you'll go with Fu and Kou in the car."

"Susan-sama, did you—" Kou starts as he rounds the corner. When he sees the cousins behind me, his mouth closes.

"Hana, Haru, this is Kou. He is my personal member. Kou this is the Krupke cousins. They are going to my body guards off the property. On property they're going to be Fu's personal helpers. Can you go get him and let the men go about their business?"

"Hai," Kou replies and looks to the cousins with a worried look. I turn around and wave the twins off. They get the message and leave me alone with the cousins.

"Heed my words. If you should betray me or lay a finger on any of my men, you will wish that you were never born. I take my syndicate and caring for my members very seriously. I will not hesitate to take your fingers if you go against me or doubt my abilities. If you don't think I can lead, you can leave now and when we meet again I can kill you. No one goes against us and lives. No one will ever betray me again," I say darkly, my eyes swirling with hate.

I hate when I take in people who are sketchy. I never want to be betrayed, but it's not like I can let them go. They came to me looking for help, and I will house them. They might turn into good members. Hana is shorter than me, but looks like she can take on Hideo and Aiko. Haru on the other hand looks almost as tall as that giant Mori. Their whole vibe says they're really scared but truthful. I'm going to trust my gut and just hope that it won't end up bursting in my face.

"Hai," they reply with strong voices. Fu comes up behind me and the large man places a hand on my shoulder.

"You called for me Susan-sama?" he asks and tightens his grip as he watches the new members.

"These are the Krupke cousins: Hana and Haru. They are going to be your personal men. Use them as you may, but when I'm off property they're my bodyguards. Make sure that they're capable bodyguards," I order.

"Very well Susan-sama. This will take some time, so dinner will have to be ordered in. You can have Kou order pizza," Fu says as he comes around. He stands over me and smiles. My eyes turn wide and my smile goes from ear to ear.

"Really!?" I ask a little disbelieving. Fu never allows American food. He says it doesn't sit the way food should in the stomach.

"Go, before I change my mind," he smiles. I nod and then run down the hall to the living room.

"Kou," I yell. He pops his head out from behind the doorway to the kitchen. "We get pizza!"

"Really!?" Kou asks astonished. He comes to me and I nod rapidly. Grinning like fools we begin to jump around the living room. I grab his hands and we spin until we're both dizzy.

"Ahem," a voice interrupts and we let go of each other's hands. Both of us fall into the wooden floor and laugh hysterically. Fu stands with our new inductees.

"Welcome to Dojin-kai," Kou says to Hana and Haru. The large cousin smiles and his eyes light up with happiness. His smaller cousin laughs and comes pick me and Kou up. She grabs our hands and we all begin to spin. Again Fu interrupts us and we let go and fall.

"Welcome to the family," I say breathlessly with a large smile on my face. I'm so happy, I feel like I'm in a dream come true.

* * *

"Come on guys. With this pace we're going to be late for school," I yell behind me. I'm riding my board, on the way to school and the Krupke cousins are following. Fu said that they were extremely capable bodyguards, so he sent them with me. Of course Kou is trailing them to make sure they go back home.

"We are hurrying Susan-sama," Hana replies. I can tell that they're short of breath but I don't slow down. I have to get to school on time.

"Only another block," I tell them as I see Ouran. How they got that school to be so pink is amazing. The cousins are suddenly running at my sides and I can see a person waiting by the gates. They're small and have brown hair.

"Susan-senpai," the voice yells when I get closer.

The feminine body waves and I purse my lips as I approach. I know that the cousins are with me right now, but when they leave, I'll be nervous. Though I suspect because Haruhi is the most mild of all the brothel, I'll get used to her the most. I don't think I'll ever get used to Tamaki though. I approach the gates and Haruhi stands before us with wide eyes. She hasn't met the cousins yet and Haru's height probably scares her a little bit. Not to mention the killer intent rushing off of Hana.

"Good morning Haruhi," I tell her with a slight smile. I'm really trying to be her friend here. The cousins push me behind them and are going to frisk Haruhi when I clear my throat. The cousins immediately halt a few steps away from Haruhi. "Guys, this is Haruhi Fujioka. Haruhi these are the Krupke cousins, who are just about to leave and go straight home to help Fu with the chores."

"Hai," the cousins reply to my lined command. They turn and begin to walk away. But before they pass me, I put a hand on Haru's arm.

"I let you in because I hope that you would become great members. Don't make me eat my words or Hana will surely live the hell you escaped from," I whisper, my voice like a darkness with the sharp edge of a knife.

Haru's eyes widen ever so slightly and he gives a nod. I nod and take my hand away from his arm. As much as I trust him and feel like he can turn into one of my men, I can't grow lax. I have to make sure that none of my men would get hurt. Besides, Fu will straighten them out and Kou will make sure they follow the rules. I want to help the cousins, but I can't get too soft. This is a tough life I live and one wrong mistake, one eased mind, one kind heart, might cost my men their lives.

"Are they your cousins?" Haruhi asks, breaking my concentration. I turn back to her and my heart begins to speed up.

"No, they're cousins. They have no relation to me," I reply vaguely, kicking my board up and holding it in my hands.

I begin walking and as usual Haruhi follows me. We walk halfway to the door and I notice that Haruhi is very quiet. They quiet is somehow not the same as it always is. I normally need the silence to calm myself, but right now I feel too calm. I've gotten used to my anxiety always gnawing at my mind. This is so weird. My nerves aren't killing me like they always are and my palms aren't sweaty with fear. I don't like this feeling I conclude. But why?

I stop in my place. Haruhi pauses with me and looks to me with a curious look. I don't have nerves because she isn't talking to me. My anxiety always kicks up when I'm talking to a person. Why isn't she talking to me? I thought she wanted to be my friend. Don't people who are friends talk? But didn't I not want them to talk to me. No, I want her to talk to me. Oh my god, I've gotten used to her talking to me. I want her to talk to me.

"Susan-senpai ar—" Haruhi starts.

"Please talk to me," I blurt out.

Blushing heavily, I look at my feet. How could I say that? That is so embarrassing! Escape is the optimal route. But I don't want to run away from her. She's too nice and I want to be her friend. She isn't like other people. She asks me if I'm alright and worries about me way too much. She calms the brothel down so I can stop my panic attack. I want her to be my friend.

"I'm sorry Senpai. I thought I would let you get used to me first," Haruhi's soft voice chimes in on my internal struggle.

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me," I say quietly while looking to Haruhi. Haruhi is looking at me with kind eyes and I can feel my face blush even harder. I start walking again. It's the only thing I could do to prevent me from running away from her.

"So, we made a plan on how we'll talk to you," Haruhi says bluntly while catching up to me. My nerves start bouncing around in my chest, but it isn't painful. Well, it isn't painful yet.

"You have?" I ask while staring straight forward. I may want her to talk to me, but I'm still nervous.

"Yep. Before and after school, it's only going to be one of us. I think today is Honey-senpai's turn. Just so you know, Mori-senpai might follow you to make sure you don't hurt his cousin," Haruhi says in a curious voice. I look towards her and feel surprised that they actually took my needs into consideration.

"That's fine. I won't hurt Honey if he doesn't hurt me," I reply with a soft voice. It's my motto of sorts when they tell me not to hurt people. It's always, 'I won't be the one to throw the first punch', or 'they'll have to hurt me first'.

"Well, I don't think you'll hurt us Susan-senpai," Haruhi says happily as I open the doors to the main building.

"Sometimes, I think you guys have a little too much faith in me," I reply with a nervous snort.

"You aren't bad, you look after others. Besides you saved me. I know you did," she says with a proud voice. I look at her and blush when I see she's staring at me with a closed eye smile.

"It was not big deal," I mutter, my accent heavy with my embarrassment. It's been getting better but comes out really heavy when I'm embarrassed.

"Just to let you know, Tamaki-senpai and Kyoya-senpai are going to eat lunch with you," Haruhi says quickly looking forward. I blanch and choke on air.

"What?" I semi-yell. Those two want to each lunch with me? Oh my god, Tamaki is going to make a scene like usual.

"Kyoya-senpai said that you weren't as nervous with them at lunch if they're not really annoying. Besides, you can talk to Kyoya-senpai easier than the rest of us," she says as we cross into our wing of the building. She turns down a hall to the first-year's rooms. The bell rings and Haruhi turns to me with wide eyes and then runs off down the hall. Hallway down, she yells, "I have to go Senpai. I'll see you later."

"Wait, what do you mean by I can talk to Kyoya?" I yell down the hall.

What did she mean I can talk to Kyoya? He's the worst of the whole brothel. Is it because he could eat lunch with me or that he helped me down the stairs? I couldn't really talk to him. Where did she get that ridiculous notion? Oh well, I have to go. I drop my board and run onto it. Going so fast my hair flies behind and my skirt ruffles itself. I put a hair behind my ear and turn down my hallway to the classroom. Pulling my lip piercing into my mouth, I make a half smile. They're really trying to be my friends. I'm going to actually have friends.

I continue on with my day and my periods pass quickly. I forget my anxiety and focus on my studies and realize that Japanese history isn't as hard as I originally thought. As fourth period comes, I start to grow nervous. Those two have been staring at me for some time now. I can feel their eyes on me, but they're not as bad as they always are. As the minutes tick down, my heart begins to pound and the buzzer rings. Shuffling kids are heard around me, and I can feel them approach.

"Susan-chan!" a voice says, very happy and sickeningly sweet. The voice is way too excited to be Kyoya, so that leaves only one person.

"Tamaki, please don't make a scene," I order while getting up from my seat and grabbing my lunch in my backpack. I walk away and exit the classroom. I can feel the two boys follow me and I turn to go up the stairs toward the abandoned wing.

"You're in a good mood," Kyoya mutters to me, coming to my side. I can feel my heart start to pound harder, but I look at the raven-haired boy.

"Why do you say that?" I ask him. He gives me a once over and I blush and look forward.

"Because you're allowing us to follow you," he replies with a chuckle. My face frowns with his teasing manner. I don't like it when he laughs like that. It sounds so fake; almost like when a boss tells a joke and it really isn't that funny, but their men still laugh because it's still their boss.

"Yah. If I tell you to leave me alone, Tamaki would just make a scene and I would just have a panic attack," I say, once again tucking a hair behind my ear. I left my hair down, only because I woke up late and didn't want to put in in a bun when it's wet.

"I would not!" Tamaki yells in my ear. It's more of a whine and I nearly forgot that he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

"Don't yell in her ear," Kyoya reprimands.

I look to the suspicious boy and wonder why he defends me. Kyoya is looking at the floor, seemingly wondering the same thing. I blush slightly and look at him with a small smile. Whatever the reason, I still appreciate him sticking up for me. We walk up the large flight of stairs and I'm somehow blushing harder when I chance a glance at Kyoya and see him catching a glance back at me.

"You brought your own lunch?" Tamaki asks, his voice a little bit quieter.

I'm thankful for the distraction, my face turning tomato red from getting caught looking at Kyoya. Tamaki comes in front of me when we get to the top of the stairs. My heart begins to pound as he puts his face in front of mine. I close my eyes and take deep breaths in and out. I don't want to hit the boy, he's only stupid and doesn't deserve the black eye.

"Yes," I answer and open one eye and see that he's standing a couple of feet back.

My heart keeps up the heavy thumping, but I walk away before it gets worse. I turn down another hall and go to the wall with windows. I slide down the wall, light flooding in from the open window. The breeze rustles through my hair. It's weird to me how we start school in April. As it is, it's the third week in April and I can only feel I was a little jilted leaving in the middle of my junior year. Cherry blossoms enter the open window and I hold my hand out to catch one.

"They're beautiful aren't they?" Tamaki asks as he sits across from me.

I look at the blossom and suddenly feel the pang of homesickness. Even though I didn't talk to anyone didn't mean that I didn't miss my home. I missed the simple things like the sound of honking and the accents of New Yorkers. My bed and my room, all custom made by my father. Then I missed my school. The smell of sweat and gym socks missed with Dolce and Gabanna perfume and plaid skirts and peter pan collared white shirts.

I would have had my spring dance where it was mandatory for parents to attend. They would of course have a father-daughter dance, just like every party the gang had for birthdays and baptisms. Realization hit me: I will never get my father-daughter dance. My father won't hold me and laugh as I blush when people stare at the mob boss and his daughter. Will I ever see my father? I can't go back and he can't come to me. It's too risky, for both of us. I will never see him again. I will never hear his laugh. I will never feel his warm hugs.

"I won't get to dance with him ever again," I mutter, my eyes cloudy with tears. I don't think it really hit me until now.

"With who?" Tamaki asks, his voice concerned. I look up at him and see his blue eyes filled with confusion and helplessness. He wants to help me, but he doesn't know how. With my free hand, I push at my eyes and my tears back into my body. I smile a reassuring smile and try to comfort him. Tamaki isn't impressed.

"Never mind me. Do you have lunch?" I ask trying to change the subject. I crush the cherry blossom in my hand and try to forget the sadness in my heart. The rest of the day passes in a blur, to the point I don't even remember Honey walking with me to the gates. Everything feels like a dream I'm caught in and can't even escape. Somehow, in this day, my life doesn't feel it's real. But I can't tell if it's a dream or if it's a nightmare I'm living.

* * *

While Susan Crea was at school, her newest inductees walked home. The Krupke cousins knew that Kou was following them to see if they were going to actually go against the boss's word. Haru wouldn't go against Susan because he knew she was cutthroat with traitors. Hana wanted to truly impress her new boss. Both inductees knew Susan would protect them from any Kasanoda-gumi members, but if they went against her, she would kill them.

Rumors were circulating through the Kanto region since she moved her syndicate here. Her fame of the Dark Princess had spread to other countries, not just America. It was often said that she was temperamental and cruel. It was also said that she wouldn't hesitate to kill you if she didn't like something about you. The cousins knew that their boss wasn't really like the rumors. Instead, she cared for her men and regarded them as family.

Haru was surprised that she even mentioned the safety of her men in their first meeting. Hana was over-joyed to hear that this syndicate was different from Kasanoda-gumi. Where the Kasanoda boss ran the syndicate like a proper business, Susan ran hers like they were family. In Kasanoda, everything was for the benefit of the yakuza as a whole. For Susan, it was for the well-being of each and every member, no matter if it was for the yakuza.

"Guys, I have to go to the market. I can't leave you guys alone, so you have to come with me really quickly. Fu said he had to get more rice and since he had to prepare whatever it was he had to prepare, he just called me to get it. So off to the market we go," Kou tells the cousins with a firm voice.

"Hai," they reply.

The cousins had been around the block more than once, so they know they should be more humble than outgoing. They also know that they had to listen to Kou. Even though the blue-haired boy was young and he was a little flighty, he was the closest of them all to Susan. One bad word about them to Susan is all it took for them to have a bullet in the back of their heads.

Kou led the way to a supermarket, with the cousins following in suit. It didn't take them long to get there, but they were dangerously close to Kasanoda-gumi territory. Kou wasn't scared, he knew that they wouldn't go against the treaty. The cousins, on the other hand, were very tense. They knew that if the treaty wasn't what was best for Kasanoda, it would be broken immediately. As the three of them entered the large supermarket, a large crowd of people blocked their path.

"Damnit. Today's the sale on fancy tuna," Kou curses. He looks at the thrall of people and then turns back to the cousins. "I'm going to go get some. You stay here and if I come back to anything suspicious, I'll shoot you on site."

"Hai," they reply. They knew Kou would shoot them if he wanted. They watched the small blue-haired boy disappear into the crowd of people. Haru kept a hand on Hana's sleeve to not lose her. She was so small that in a second she would disappear into the crowd and be lost for seemingly forever.

"Well what do we have here?" a voice says to Hana's left. She goes cold with fear. She knows whose voice that is, and she isn't at all prepared to face them.

The girl turns to the side, but is quickly pushed behind her larger cousin. It's Erai, a vile man who stands at almost six feet and always reeks of alcohol. He has a crude smile and shaved head with dark evil eyes. The fear Hana feels is only intensified when his eyes stare at her and snake up and down her small body. This is the man, Hana was to marry. The man who scares her to death. The man who can never touch her, if she wanted to live.

"Erai, go away," Haru orders in a dark voice. The older cousin's voice is so dark that it has competition with that of a demon's.

"Why did you take my wife away from me?" the evil man hisses. If this goes on, Hana knows that shots will be fired and Susan would be very disappointed in them.

"She is not your wife. She will never be your wife!" Haru yells at Erai in rage.

"Tsk. She will be mine when we take over your new syndicate, unless you would like to help us?" Erai asks, his voice filled with dark mischief.

"What do you mean take over our syndicate?" Hana hisses this time. No one is going to touch her new family.

"I mean that we're going to get rid of that damn American whore and you'll be mine. Kasanoda-sama is willing to offer you a deal. If you help us take down Dojin-kai, he won't let me marry you and will protect you," Erai says grudgingly.

Haru looks at him with a suspicious look. If Kasanoda protects Hana, it might be worth taking the deal. For Hana's safety, Haru would walk through hell and back. Hana on the other hand was sure that they would never protect her fully. If she wouldn't get married to Erai, she would marry someone just as bad. Or worse yet, they'll hurt Haru. Kasanoda said that they'll protect her and not Haru. But even at that, she couldn't turn her back on Susan. Kasanoda couldn't protect her from Susan, and if they betrayed their current boss, they would surely meet their death.

"We decline," Hana replies. Erai's eyes brighten with lust and the chance of tainting Hana's body. Hana shivered in disgust.

"You'll go down with the American whore, you can be sure of that," Erai says with a wide smile.

"Don't call her that," Haru says darkly.

"Why? Don't tell me you actually trust that girl?! She doesn't care about you! She'll chew you up and spit you out," Erai laughs.

"No she won't. We're family!" Hana yells at Erai. The cousins lift their sleeves of their left arms and underneath, show their newly imprinted daimon. The cousins had refused to get the Kasanoda-gumi emblems and therefore were unprinted before Susan.

"How dare you imprint yourself with the whore's symbol when you were with us for years! You bastards! You damn ass fu-"

"Say another word," a cool voice interrupts. Kou is standing behind Erai, a gun into the man's back. Erai turned white with fear, knowing it was the blue-haired boy. It was known that Kou would do anything to protect the members and even Erai knew that he would kill him if he stepped on his nerves.

"I was just leaving," Erai mutters and walks away. Kou let him go; only because he knew Susan would be angry that he broke the truce. Kou would tell Susan what happened, but he turns to the cousins and deals with them.

"What did he want?" the young boy asks.

"He wanted us to spy for them," Hana replies, fixing her sleeve.

"What did you say?" Kou asks, getting very suspicious.

"We told him we wouldn't go against our new family," Haru replies with a nod. Kou smiles at them both and puts his gun away. People in the store were unaware of what almost happened.

"Good," Kou replies and turns to leave the store with his groceries in a paper bag.

On the way home, Kou wondered who the man really was, but didn't dwell on it too long. For Kou, since the cousins came, everything felt like a dream you couldn't tell was a nightmare or a fairytale. But the dream ended and it was now clear that the cousins wouldn't be any trouble. Everyone was back to reality and the dreams have ended. That is, for now.

* * *

**Hey everybody! I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to get up, but I made it a little longer than normal to ease your internal distress. To the anon review: thank you for the feedback. Looking back on the last chapter I do realize it was a little slow; I do need the critique for those kinds of things, so if anyone has any problems or even questions, comment and let me know. I started classes again and I'm so arrogantly tested into a fourth year latin class when I should have probably have been in a second year class. Oh, well, what is done is done, but that being said I'm not going to have as much free time. But don't worry, I won't put it on hiatus. I have to update my Naruto story, but that normally takes a lot of time (more time than this one). I am also very happy today, so I'm feeling outgoing. So I figured I might add a little bit of fun facts that parallel my life with Susan's. **

**1\. I do ride a skateboard and I do fall as often as Susan. **

**2\. I do not actually have piercings or tattoos (deadly afraid of needles, but if it wasn't for that I might look like Susan)**

**3\. I wasn't a loner in high school, but I do have anxiety and panic attacks. **

**4\. If I had to, I probably would be a very good gang lord, but I have never been in any gangs. Fights, yes. Gangs, no. I have family for that. **

**5\. Kyoya was actually my least favorite in the Host club and I had wanted him to burn and rot in the fiery depths of tarturus. (But for Susan, I will have to stomach him)**

**So remember everybody: follow, fave, review, obsess. Love you guys and keep the reviews coming. They make me happy!**


	8. Homesickness and Thigh High Tights

**Chapter Eight: Homesickness and Thigh High Tights**

* * *

"**Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was."**

― **Jodi Picoult, **_**Handle with Care**_

**I love the whole lingerie outfit - you know, thigh-high tights and garters.**

**Jodi Lyn O'Keefe**

* * *

The only sounds were the clanking of silverware against bowls and the rough breathing of my closest advisors. I sat there, shuffling rice back and forth in the bowl not really eating. Since yesterday I was in a state of homesickness which refused to yield. I was to the point that I couldn't look at anything without sporadic memories bombarding my mind. Kou was getting very concerned but I tried to go on with my day.

I had barely eaten anything last night and today, I didn't even take any care with my uniform. My tights weren't pulled up at the knees and my skirt was on backwards. My shirt was sloppy and tie was not straight and my cardigan was pulled on haphazardly. The twins and Fu sat across from me in dark blue yukatas while the cousins sat to my right in red formal clothing and Kou to my left in white t-shirt and jeans. I looked at my men and they all met my gaze with worried and slightly scared looks.

"We should have a meeting since we're all here," I mutter and immediately think of the weekly meetings with my Pa. I could almost hear his too deep voice, clouded with tobacco use. Then his corny dad jokes flooded into my head and I cracked a smile despite the melancholy of my mind.

"Susan-sama," Kou starts as he reaches out and touches my sleeve, "are you sure you're alright? You haven't been yourself for quite some time. Yesterday you didn't even eat anything and now you're smiling at nothing."

"I'll be fine. You shouldn't worry too much about me. You're going to start to get an ulcer or something," I tell Kou with not much effort. I look into his dark eyes and know he wasn't going to let me out of the house.

"I don't think it is wise you go to school," Aiko says boldly.

"You seem like you are half asleep and dreaming," Hideo continues with his brother. I turn an icy gaze upon them both from across the table. The large men shift uneasily and I glare harder before resuming my saddened frown.

"You all worry way too much," I mutter and give a crooked half-hearted smile.

"You don't worry enough," Hana huffs loudly and crosses her arms.

"What she means is, you won't be able to defend yourself when you're at school today. WE merely don't want to go without a boss while we're at war," Haru tries to cover for his cousin. His eyes were wide with fear and I merely sigh at both of them.

"Alright, but if we stay home, then we aren't going to lounge around. If you guys aren't going to let me go learn at school, I'm going to learn who I can put in the games. Gather everyone. We're going to spar and I will be everyone's opponents."

This might actually take my mind off of home. If I spar hard enough then I won't have time to let my mind wonder to other things than the fight. Besides, I had to learn my men's skills before I send them out to the game. If I just sent them out, I might as well tell them to jump off of a cliff and fall to jagged rocks below. This is how I'm going to get over my homesickness. I'll fight until my knuckles are black and blue, until my forearms are nearly broken and my lip cracked open and bleeding. It will feel like I'm with my family. It'll feel more like home than anything I've done here so far.

"You're going to spar everyone?" Kou yelps with his voice seemingly in pain. I smirk at him and then push my rice to the center of the table.

"Mostly everyone. The people I don't spar today, will have to wait until tomorrow. On Sunday, we might actually be able to rest. Or we can a nice dinner with everyone in attendance. It'll feel like home!" I shout, way too excited for my own good.

Kou looks at me with raised eyebrows and I know he caught onto my secret. I was really, really homesick. There is a cloud of awkwardness that floats above us and a blanket of silence falls. I pray that no one actually asks me anymore questions. My prayer obviously was not heard.

"Home? You miss America don't you?" Fu asks, voicing the elephant in the room. I look away, slightly embarrassed and rise from my seat.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I mutter to them, slightly angry that they found me out.

"You're a dirty liar!" Kou shouts and I see the twins cringe.

I turn my face to the young boy and glare. Kou tries his best not to shrink into himself but it doesn't work. He bows his head to me a moment later and I turn away from the table. I know that Kou is really just scared that I'm going to go back and leave them. As much as it pains them that I'm a woman and a foreigner at that, I am the best boss they have ever known. I'm gutsy and I don't care if I have to take out people myself. Actually I prefer kicking their asses myself. But for them, I'm their everything. For me, they're my new everything; the possibility of going back is always looming over their heads because they weren't and won't ever be my first gang. But that doesn't mean that I'll leave them.

"I will always miss where I was born, but that doesn't mean that I will not be proud of you guys or consider this my new home. It merely means that I have to get over whatever my heart had wanted," I tell them with apparent sadness in my voice.

"We know and it's okay to mourn for what you have lost," Hideo says.

"But that doesn't mean that you should never look at yourself and remember home," Aiko replies after his twin.

"I remember home," I reply and turn to my men. "It's just that I want to fall apart and I know that I can't. I want to break down and mourn and feel bad for myself. But the truth is I don't have the time. We are going to start a war and I have to go to school. Besides, I don't want you guys to do this."

"Do what?" Hana says quizzically.

"I don't want you to feel bad for me! I don't want your sympathy. I'm your boss and you guys shouldn't have to put up with a crying, sniveling little girl," I say with a hysterical chuckle. I feel like I'm going to start to cry. I haven't really cried and mourned for my leaving home. I promised myself that I wouldn't.

"But we want to help you," Kou replies and stands up.

My men all stand up and they surround me. Normally this situation would make me go into an anxiety attack, but rather I feel sheltered. This is proof that they are my gang, that they are my family. Tenderly and with so much more soft touches than I could ever imagine the twins hold me. Haru, the largest of all of us, clutches my head and Hana takes my hands in hers. Fu and Kou look at me and I can feel their hands soothe me while rubbing up and down on my back.

"Guys, you're going to make me cry," I blubber and begin to feel tears running down my cheeks.

"Shhh," Kou says as the rubbing makes me calmer. "You're going to be alright. Susan-sama, you aren't alone anymore. You won't ever be alone and you won't ever leave us. I promise, you won't ever leave your new family ever again."

"God. Oh my god. Why do you say that? Why do you make me want to cry? I'm going to cry and I'm not going to able to stop. Oh my god," I moan with his kind words. My cheeks begin to grow a river. No, it was more like its own ocean.

The ocean was making me get a river in my nose. I suck in my nose and immediately feel dirty and pathetic. It didn't help that Hana was intertwining her fingers into my hands or that her cousin was stroking my hair so calmly. I start that obnoxious half crying a moment later. The ugly sound makes my chest begin to shake and I cry harder and harder. My legs almost buckle and I feel so pathetic for crying. I feel even more pathetic because I'm being held by my men and they are seeing me this way.

But I take the time to actually check how I'm really feeling. Ever since I was little, my safety for not getting hurt was never realizing it bothered me in the first place. This was how I felt about being abandoned at birth; this was how I felt when I couldn't take my abusive foster parents; and now this is how I feel about leaving the only family I've ever had. Empty. This is how I got to go on. If I don't feel anything, then nothing bothers me and I can go one. But now that my men are making me face it, I feel. I feel empty and alone.

"I feel so alone," I cry out and finally voice all my negative emotions. "I feel like I used to before I met Pa. Back when I was by myself and I had no one. Even though I have you guys I don't know why I feel so alone. Why do I have to feel so alone? Why am I so pathetic? I don't have a reason to be so unhappy. I shouldn't feel this, this, this empty."

My legs finally buckled and the twins lowered me to the ground. My back was shaking and it looked like I was having a spasm of some sort. The moaning and wheezing didn't stop. My men held me for a little while longer and I could feel myself so dehydrated and tired I could pass out. When I finally finish my pathetic episode, I open my closed eyes. In front of me was Kou and he grabs my face in his hands.

"You have to tell us when you feel like this. We have to help you. None of us can stand seeing you like this. And you are by far not pathetic. You are the strongest girl I have ever known. You aren't alone either, no matter if you feel alone or sad or pathetic, know you are never alone," he tells me as he wipes the tears from my face.

I sit and start to chuckle slightly with his cheesy speech. It makes me feel so much better though. I know he's telling me the truth and I know that I'll never be alone. Somehow, my pain ridden heart begins to heal, even though I never knew it was broken to begin with. I had been carrying on with my life for so long, that I couldn't tell how badly I had been hurt or how sad I had been. But now that I finally acknowledge how I feel, maybe I can move on. Maybe I can be happy.

"You know you're really mushy, don't you?" I ask with a smirk. My men, knowing that I have finally stopped my pity party, rise and look at me expectantly.

"So what," Aiko says with a smirk of his own.

"If we are?" Hideo finishes with his shy smirk.

"We can't let you go all crying on us without us doing something," Hana says then bonks me on my head. I smile and rub my head. I look to Haru and he nods with her.

"We will be your strength, even when you feel weak. Know that you are always strong, because you have us," Fu tells me with his fatherly smile.

I realize that they are my family and so much more; they are my strength; they are my love; they are me, when I can't even be me. I stand up and dust off my uniform. My face feels wet and I feel so tired. Suddenly, my huger attacks me like I have never eaten ever before. Wiping my face of the ocean, I wonder how I could have cried this much. I sniffle one more time and sigh, letting all my emotions out once and for all.

"Alright. I'm going to go finish my breakfast, then change into some battle clothes. I want all the men who have any chance for being in a death match. I'll be screening each and every person possible. Understand?" I ask my men in a strong voice, extremely different from a moment ago.

"Hai," they reply in cheery voices. I look back at them and smile widely.

I take my seat and begin to eat my rice. I check my emotions once again when my men disappear. I feel empty still. Frowning, I know it's going to take time to heal. Every wound needs some time to become what it used to be. I reach for a toast and then sit there munching quietly. When all is still, I can feel it. It is faint and the aching of my heart is really overpowering it, but it's there. Happiness. I feel happy that I get to be with my men and that I have a family. Happiness that I'm not alone. I smile even wider when all my men come back to the room and sit back down. They each pour a cup of tea for themselves while I finish. I observe their faces and notice their worried looks. I look at them and smile from ear to ear.

"And guys, no one tells a soul that I cried or else I'll make you cry for the rest of your life," I threaten sweetly.

"Hai," they say with slight fear in their voices. But somehow when they look back at me, there is relief. When relief and slight fear fades, they are left with realization. They probably are wondering if they just created a monster.

* * *

A fist flies to my left and I barely dodge in time. My attacker tries to turn quickly and chops from the other side. I duck and try to side-swipe his legs. My attacker jumps back and I stand across from the boy. Kou is huffing and puffing, a wild look in his eyes. He refused to fight me, but I got him angry enough to lose it. I have to see what he is capable of. I watch as the boy circles me like a lion. Smooth jazz is playing in the background.

"Are you ever going to actually land a punch on me?" I tease.

Kou looks at me and his face contorts into pure anger. I laugh as he gives a battle cry and rushes at me. Right before his right fist will make contact with me, I spin and grab his head in a chokehold. The boy flails and I chuckle at his attempt to flip me. I'm not going to go down that easy. I hold him a little longer before Kou relaxes and I know he's passed out.

"Do you really have to knock everyone out?" Hana asks while taking Kou. I nod and then put my hand out. Haru immediately has a glass of water in it.

"I need to know if you guys can handle passing out. I also need to see how you wake up," I tell her.

I take a sip of water and watch her place Kou next to Fu who is laid back against the house. Today is Saturday and I have fought all of the men. Of course, it was tiring as all hell and I barely finished after 36 hours of straight fighting. But it was worth it. I look at my arms and can see that my prediction about getting hurt badly was pretty accurate. My arms are tinged with an ugly shade of yellow and patches of green. The left side of my face is bruised also, taking a hit from Hana and then another from Haru. My lip is swollen on the right side and my legs have multiple purple patches.

All in all, I look pretty messed up. I really didn't feel too bad, but my men are worried as usual. The only bad part of fighting with four hours of sleep is that I feel like I want to pass out. But I isn't at that point yet. I hand the glass back to Haru and watch as Fu starts to wake up. I observe him, seeing his eyes go wide while he tries to remember where his is. He's quiet and when the realization finally hits him, he gets up calmly.

"Why do you need to watch how they wake up?" Hana asks me, watching me observe Fu.

"I want to know if they freak out and panic. Fu is a prime candidate because he observes, then tries to get up," I reply. Kou's eyelids start fluttering open. I watch as he opens his eyes and jumps to his feet, frightened and ready for something. When realization hits, he falls back to the ground.

"I guess Kou failed?" Haru asks me from behind.

"Yep. He can't compete. He doesn't have the patience or the skills necessary just yet. The twins can't because they are my seconds. You guys are ready and have no real problems except I need you for bodyguards. Fu would be great also, but he has to watch you two." I sigh and then look at my gang. The jazz music intensifies and I say aloud, "I'm picking the men next week after I observe them train with each other."

"I will have them ready," Fu replies and comes to me. I look at him and wipe sweat from my brow. The song ends and another long winded jazz piece comes on. I look at Fu and frown.

"Can we listen to something else? You've heard this stuff from the past two hours!" I whine. Fu looks at me like I just said the most offensive thing in the world.

"No. We listened to Kou's anime openings for two hours, so my jazz shouldn't be so bad," he replies with a huff, crossing his arms in denial.

"Those were anime openings?" I ask and look the young boy. He shrugs sheepishly and I laugh at him.

Since we were fighting, I allowed everyone to pick their music and play it for a little while. Everyone's music taste differed as greatly as them. Hana and Haru both like rock, Hana leaning more towards screamo and what I would assume was death metal while Haru stuck with classic and soft rock. The twins both didn't like the spoken word stuff, but Hideo was a classical music fan while Aiko listened to raging electronica. Fu was stuck on jazz and Kou—little did I know—was an anime opening fanatic.

Walking to the boom box, I stop the CD. Fu didn't have an IPod and all his music was still on discs. Kou comes over and gives me my IPod. I bend down in my training gear and plug it in. I squat in front of it for a couple of minutes thinking about what playlist I should play. Moving my face back and forth, I wonder at the same time if I should change. I'm wearing some short spandex shorts and a muscle band tee. The t-shirt was one of my newer ones and not from a concert, being the white skull of the Misfits on black cotton. Better keep it on, it's more comfortable anyways. I smile when I decide on my playlist labeled, "Shut Up and Just Dance Already".

"Are you guys ready to dance?" I yell at my gang. They all stand and look at me like I'm crazy. The familiar tune starts and the lyrics flow out.

_Oh don't you dare look back. _

_Just keep your eyes on me. _

_I said, "You're holding back."_

_She said, "Shut up and dance with me." _

_This woman is my destiny. _

_She said, "Ooooooh, shut up and dance with me." _

I grab Kou's hands and then we start jumping around the place. I laugh uncontrollably as the familiar tune comes to my memory. Hana joins in and we're dancing a circles as the song goes on. Aiko soon can't resist and he comes with us and Hana grabs his hands and starts twirling. I'm still jumping with Kou when I see that Fu, Haru and Hideo snickering in the corner. I glare at them and motion to come dance.

They shake their heads and I sing: _"I said, 'You're holding back'. She said, 'Shut up and dance with me'. This woman is my destiny! She said, 'Oooooh, shut up and dance with me'"_

I grab Fu's hands while Kou grabs the other two. The large men shake their heads and soon Hana and Aiko surround them and we start jumping around them. Their faces were of overt fear. They didn't know how to dance and I just start shaking my head. I grab their hands and start swaying from side to side, my hips start to have a mind of their own. The men finally get the hang of it as the song begins to end.

"You guys are doing pretty well," I praise them. Hideo and Haru blush brightly and I laugh as another song comes on. Its 99 Red Balloons, but the German version.

"Oh my gosh! I love this song!" Hana cries and starts singing in German to the song.

I laugh at her and start twirling with Kou once again. It seems that Haru loosened up and was singing at the top of his lungs with his cousin. Hideo and Fu try to escape again, but Kou and I grab them. I begin to twirl around with Hideo and the man blushes brightly. Laughing, I twirl faster until his eyes start turning in his head. Hideo then starts to laugh himself and I'm happy that he feels more comfortable. I look to the side and see Hana being spun by Aiko and suddenly wonder if something else is going on there. I look back at Hideo and he catches my glances. Staying quiet, I begin to make us twirl faster. The song changes and I squeal with the opening notes.

"_ABBA!"_ I scream.

Some lyrics pass by as I grab Haru by the hand and start to let my hips go at it. Kou grabs Hana and she starts dancing with him. I laugh as they form a circle by joining hands with the others. They circle Haru and me, but Haru lets go of my hand and joins the others. I laugh as they surround me and start to sway and sing. I'm surprised they know the English lyrics and I sing with them. I'm twirling and jumping in the middle of them before stopping and letting my hips sway.

"_You are the dancing queen. Young and sweet, only seventeen. Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. You can dance. You can jive. Having the time of your life! OOOOHHH. See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen"_ I sing with my heavy New York, now mixed with Japanese accent.

Through the cracks in my circle posse, I can see some spectators. I don't pay them any mind and continue to dance, letting my hands snake up to my hair and pull out my messy ponytail. Shaking my hair out, I finish the song with laughter and the others break away. I wait for the next song to start, but the first notes enter then air and then are abruptly stopped. I whine and look for the culprit to find one of the gate's men. My eyes go wide and I look to his left to see a sight which could almost make me faint.

"The brothel?" I ask breathlessly, not even because I just danced through three songs after fighting for hours, but because I'm just so surprised.

"Susan-chan, can we dance with you?" Honey asks in his childish voice.

I stare at him like he'll go away any second. When he doesn't, I look to the rest. They are dressed in designer jeans and polos and vests. Haruhi is the only one different and wears a yellow sundress that goes to her knee. I look at them once again and my men are starting to feel worried. I haven't addressed the brothel and they don't know if they should throw them out or not. Rubbing my eyes, I notice my left eye is really tender and I realize I should ice it. Staring one more second, I walk past the brothel without saying a word and go into the house. Arriving in the kitchen, I can hear footsteps following me. I grab a pack of ice from the freezer and put it on the left side of my face.

"I'm in shock," I whisper to myself as the brothel comes into the kitchen. My men are right behind them and are eyeing me closely.

What are they doing here? Why can't they leave me alone? I was very happy until they showed up. Now I have to pretend that I'm not sad or that I don't want to deal with them. I can just have them thrown out of the syndicate. How did they find it anyway? Why did the gate man let them in? I have too many questions circling my brain. My anxiety is going to kick up at any moment. I know it.

"Susan-senpai, are you okay?" Haruhi asks, breaking the silence. I feel, well, I don't really know how to feel and therefore are not 'okay'.

"I don't know," I tell her truthfully. I sigh and look at Tamaki who has been surprisingly quiet.

"Well, I guess you want to know why we're here!" Tamaki's extremely excited voice shouts. I spoke too soon.

"Why?" is my only reply. Kyoya is inspecting me carefully and I glare and sneer at him. I don't like him seeing me with such little clothes on. As it is, these shorts are like booty shorts.

"Because we wanted to go shopping with you. We expected you to be asleep or doing homework, not dancing in the middle of the courtyard with American music blaring from the speakers. But that's okay. So, where would you like to go first? The mall? Or would you like to go down to the art district? Maybe we can go to a karaoke bar!" Tamaki says this way too fast and the brothel twins are suddenly at my sides.

"But boss," the one that is Kaoru says.

"She stinks," the one that is Hikaru finishes.

"Of course I do! I was training, something you guys wouldn't know about. You barely have any muscle mass except for Mori and Honey," I say, offended with the evil twins' comments. Mori and Honey both look at me surprised with my comment.

"Why are you training?" Kyoya asks, trying to be innocent but his eyes say differently.

"None of your business," I say in return before taking my ice pack and going to the living room. I might as well show them to the door. My men look at the brothel with varying degrees of anger. Fu comes next to me as I walk through the halls.

"Would you like me to escort them to the gate?" he asks.

"I'll do it," I say as I shake my head and then make my way past the dining room table.

"We can wait here for you, Susan-chan. You can go take your shower and then come with us," Honey says behind my back. Before I know it, the brothel is sitting their butts in my dining room.

"I never agreed to come," I reply, my anxiety finally showing itself. Just the thought of going out with them makes my stomach do suicide dives.

"But you have to!" Tamaki whines. "Who else is going to be the bestest friend for my daughter!"

"Daughter?" I mutter to myself and then look immediately at the only female in their group. Haruhi sighs and I suddenly feel bad for her. They must drag her into a lot of unnecessary stuff.

"You don't have to come because of me Senpai," she tells me when she catches me looking at her.

I blush slightly and take the ice pack away from my face. I weigh my options. I feel bad if I leave Haruhi to deal with the brothel by herself. On the other hand, I really don't want to spend time with them. They'll cause me another panic attack. But I have to get used to them if I want to be their friends. I guess I could go and if it gets too stressful, I'll leave. Damnit.

"Let me go take a shower," I tell them and walk out of the room. My gang follows behind me. I hand the icepack to Fu.

"Hideo and Aiko, you two go run the men through some training exercises with blades. Cousins, you two get the extreme pleasure of watching me as we shop. Fu, make sure our guests don't touch anything. Kou, I need clothes."

"Hai." Each man leaves on to prepare or carry out their job. I sigh and head to the bathroom.

"Do you want to wear a dress?" Kou asks me as we approach the bathroom.

"No," I reply.

"You sure. That one with glasses is pretty cute and he seems to be worried that you do training," Kou says as he wags his eyebrows suggestively. I roll my eyes.

"He's suspicious."

"Suspicious is good."

"In what universe?"

"In this one?" Kou questions himself. I chuckle slightly and then arrive at the bathroom.

"Leave the clothes out here and I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Keep an eye out. I don't want them messing in my stuff," I tell Kou.

He gives me a ridiculous salute and then leaves me alone. I go in and start my routine looking at my injuries in the mirror. I was wrong when I said I didn't think my left side was that bad. My left eye and down my cheek, is swollen and an ugly blue color. The bruise spreads out and disappears into my hair line, but I know it continues to almost my ear. My right snake bite is swollen on the lip, but isn't so bad that I have to take it out. My arms and legs have their multiple bruises, but Kou will probably get me tights and a long sleeve shirt to go out with.

I sigh heavily before getting in the shower and turning it to a burning level. I wash my hair and when I run the soap over my bruises, they feel tender to the touch. A knock on the door is heard and the door opens. I freeze on the other side of the shower curtain. The door closes and I know that Kou just left the clothes on the sink. Getting out quickly, I find my outfit. A pair of black thigh high tights with purple polka dots, a gray A-line skirt that'll go a little below mid-thigh, a black long sleeve shirt with lace for the sleeves, and black combat boots. I smile at Kou's choices, knowing that I couldn't have chosen any better.

I put the towel on my head and dress quickly. When I'm done dressing, I take the towel off my head and put my hair it a bun. My bangs are already drying and I brush them down. I fix my piercings really quick before heading to my bedroom. In my bedroom, I get Harry and put him in a thigh holster, my skirt being slightly bulged. Getting two switch blades, lay them on them on the bed and put my boot up onto the bed so I can hide the knife in it.

"Are you ready yet?" a voice asks at the door. The voice is cold and I'm suddenly highly aware of how short my skirt is and that my thigh highs aren't just cute but really provocative.

"I thought you would wait a little longer," I reply blandly, shoving the blade into the outer lip of my boot. I put my other foot up and shove the blade in that one.

"Are you always armed?" Kyoya asks me as I turn back around. His voice is intrigued and curious. I can read his face and it says he's thinking about something. I don't know what that is, but I have the feeling I wouldn't want to know. He stands at the frame of my door and I frown.

"Let's go," I say. Brushing past him, I push back a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Kyoya follows me and I can feel his gaze on me. Rather, I think he's trying to see if I really do have a gun under my skirt. I stop before we reach the dining room and whisper with a smile, "I never leave home without something."

"Oh," is his only reply. I quirk my mouth to the side, knowing he's trying to discern if I'm armed at school or not. We enter into the dining room and I hear Tamaki gasp.

"Oh my goodness! What are you wearing?" he asks and comes up to me. He is immediately in my face and staring at my outfit, going from combat boots to messy bun.

"I'm wearing a very cute outfit," I say and push him away. A slight blush comes to my face and it's probably only noticeable on my non-bruised side.

"Are those thigh highs?" Honey asks, coming to me with a hand stretched out to touch my tights. I swat his hand away and Mori places himself protectively in between me and his cousin. I hiss slightly, baring teeth. Then I blush even brighter and turn to Haruhi.

"Do we have to go?" I whisper to her as I hide behind her small body.

"No, but I don't think we can decide. I really like your outfit by the way," she whispers to me. The orange-haired twins come to both of our sides.

"What are you,"

"Guys talking about?"

"Can we go already?" I whine and find my heart is starting to beat harder than before. I'm starting to get nervous.

"Okay!" Tamaki yells and exits the room.

I sigh and look to Haruhi. We're both wearing the same, 'it's going to be a long day' expression. I turn to Fu, the cousins and Kou. They all look like they're sending me off to kindergarten. They're faces are both worried and happy at the same time. Trying to smile reassuringly, I nod to them and the follow the brothel out. The cousins had changed into their red kimono and yukata set and follow behind us. Kyoya turns around to look at me.

"Why are they following us?" he asks, curiosity pouring from his voice.

"They're my backup," I reply and lag a little closer to my bodyguards. Kyoya walks beside me as we get out the door of the house. As usual my men line the path and the brothel looks at them with uncertainty.

"Have a nice day, Susan-sama. May you return safely to us," they all chant and I can't help but laugh when Tamaki jumps and yells. He clings to Haruhi for safety and she looks completely done with the situation.

"As usual, listen to the twins. I expect you all to be here when I come back," I tell my men. Kyoya watches me out of the corner of his eye and I find a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Blushing brightly for some unknown reason, I smile as my men bow to me. With my farewell over, I begin to walk down the path. The brothel seems to be in shock but follows after me. Walking down the stairs the evil twins come up to me, and I can see the gears turning in their evil little heads.

"Are you,"

"Their boss?" they ask one after the other.

I sigh and shake my head. The brothel still hasn't figured out that I'm a yakuza boss yet? They really are a bunch of idiots. Finally getting at the bottom of the stairs, I see a limo waiting at the curb. I quirk my eyebrows and wonder if they always travel like this. The twins go to the limo and a chauffeur opens the door. The climb in and I wait for the cousins, letting everyone get in before me.

"You guys want to follow in the car?" I ask them quietly, but Kyoya hears. Kyoya having waited for me.

"They can ride with my bodyguards," he offers and I turn to see another car across the street. Three men are next to the black sedan and watch me carefully. I look at them and glare them down. If I'm going to send the cousins with them, they better know that I won't let them bully them around.

"Thank you," I tell Kyoya and nod to the cousins. Hana smiles widely while Haru looks a little nervous. As he is about to walk away, I pat his arm reassuringly. Kyoya is watching me and quirks an eyebrow. I blush and look away from him. Why is he watching me today?

"After you," he says and I get into the limo.

It's cool and the rest of the brothel is sitting on the sides, chatting about whatever rich people chat about. I sit on the seat which is by the door and Kyoya places himself next to me. He's like a piece of gum under your shoe. Annoying and sticky and no matter how much you try to get away, it somehow always gets stuck. My heart starts pounding as the limo drives away from the curb and I immediately know that today is going to be a very stressful day.

* * *

**Hey everybody! I am sooooo sorry that this chapter is really really late. Like I said before, I foolishly signed up for a class that I shouldn't have and now am paying the price. But I don't want to withdraw from the course and I want to get a good grade. I also realized that if I do really well in this class, I am halfway through a classical studies certificate. The next chapter is going to be really fun. It's going to surround their entire day spent together, with cute moments with Kyoya. As we are going to learn Kou is a total KyoyaxSusan shipper. Also, for the music, the first song is "Shut up and Dance" by WALK THE MOON, the second is "99 red balloons" by Nena (german version) and the last song is ABBA's "Dancing Queen". Please review, so I know I haven't been deserted and that you enjoy the story. As I always say, criticism helps me. In addition, the inspiration for the thigh highs was my order above the knee socks. **

**So as always, love you guys. Review, Fave, Follow, Obsess. And I will try to get back to you guys quicker next time. See You later!**


	9. Bruises and Dresses

**Chapter Nine: Bruises and Dresses**

**"Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman." **

**― Coco Chanel**

**"Over the years I have learned that what is important in a dress is the woman who is wearing it." **

**― Yves Saint-Laurent**

**"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real." **

**― Cormac McCarthy, _All the Pretty Horses_**

**"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh." **

**― Leonard Cohen, _The Favorite Game_**

* * *

I knew I shouldn't have come. I was only sitting in a confined space with a bunch of weirdoes and already my palms were sweaty as all hell and my heart was beating faster than a cat meeting a Rottweiler. Taking deep breaths in and out, I surveyed everyone in an attempt to calm myself. It appeared that the Hitachiins were teasing Tamaki about something and he was just screaming at poor Haruhi. Mori was looking on quite undisturbed as if this happened all the time, while his cousin was just laughing and pointing at the scenario.

"Are they always like this?" I breathe out, not really believing that in between breaths the words slipped out.

"Almost always," Kyoya replies in a voice that flows so easily.

I tense at his words and realize I totally forgot he was even there. It was really surprising that I got used to him as a shadow. But I can't let my guard down so much. He is a suspicious person after all. I watch them more and saw the progression turn into Tamaki going into some lethargic state and being totally dead. Haruhi turns to me and gives me a sympathetic smile. I know she feels bad that she dragged me here, but I don't want to let her down. My palms are still totally sweaty but it's coming down since I'm not straining myself.

"Will you tell me why you were training?" Kyoya asks. I turn to him and give him a scowl. Turning back, the boy continues with a chuckle, "I'll take that as a no. Why do you insist on getting hurt? I'm sure that your bruises hurt. You shouldn't strain yourself too much."

"My bruises don't hurt. And if they do, the pain is nothing. Besides, you don't know me well enough to care what I do," I reply in a harsh tone. This boy is pissing me off. No one tells me that I shouldn't strain myself unless they're in my gang; but even then, they get punished.

"It's bad for our reputation," Kyoya replies in a voice void of emotion.

He wanted me to get hurt with that sentence. He wanted me to feel it. I immediately have this burning hatred for the boy sitting mere inches away from me. My nervousness is replaced with white hot burning rage. How dare he! If I'm bad for publicity then don't keep me around. Don't tell me I'm bad for your reputation when I wasn't even the one who sought you out. I am no one's charity case. I had enough charity when my father took me in. There is no reason that he should ever let words like that come out of his mouth.

"Well maybe you should convince Tamaki to leave me alone," I hiss. I am beyond pissed and don't even try to mask my anger. Haruhi catches my attention and I can see her wondering why my mood suddenly changed. I roll my eyes and point my thumb at Kyoya, not even trying to be subtle.

"You know I can't do that, Crea-chan," Kyoya using my last name.

I freeze in place with the malice in his voice. He is really trying to push my buttons and I don't know why. I can't tell if Kyoya was always like this or if he's really pissed that I look like I've been beating up people in the bar. I turn to him and let killing-intent roll off of me in waves. The people in the car stop talking. The car turns silent for a little bit while I stare Kyoya down. He tries to be tough by making eye contact with me, but with my pure anger it all fades away and he turns.

"If you are embarrassed by me, then stay away from me. I don't need people who are going to judge me on the way I look, speak, or act. It's my road or the high road. And don't you ever address me by my last name. I am Susan and only Susan. Do we understand one another?" I ask Kyoya murderously.

"I understand," he replies, not even looking me in the face.

"Great," I grind out between clenched teeth. I have to keep my anger in. Bringing my right foot up to the seat, Kyoya tenses. Wondering what his problem is, I bring in my right leg closer to my body and hold it in place. When the realization hits me, I laugh out, "If I wanted to kill you, I would have already. Don't be such a scardy-cat."

"That isn't funny Senpai," Haruhi chides from the other corner. I look her in the eyes and she doesn't flinch when I glare at her. My heart is beating in my chest, but not in the familiar anxiety. Instead it's beating in anger.

"Whatever," I say and give Haruhi a wide and maniac smile. She flinches then and I look to my left and out the window.

The ride is silent after that, Kyoya and I not even moving a muscle. He doesn't move for fear that I'll take my knife out and skin him. I don't move so I don't take it out and fulfill what he's so scared about. My anxiety comes back and my palms start to sweat. The anger goes down and I slip out of Gangster mode even though I never actually wanted to go into it in the first place. When we finally get to whatever godforsaken place these weirdoes dragged me to, I feel like a nervous wreck. My body is cold and sweaty and the heart that was so steady is jolted into skittishness.

The car stops and we pile out. I stand away from Kyoya, still very angry with him. When the others come out, they are looking at me warily. I blush and turn away from them to look at our destination. It seems they brought us to the Omotesando Hills mall. I only know what it is because we're in the back of the building. Kou tried to drag me into this super mall a little while ago. I had refused to go in. Looking back at the brothel, I find Haruhi looking at the large glass building with a bored look. I chuckle silently and move my way towards her.

"Have you ever been here before Senpai?" she whispers to me. I shake my head, my anxiety somehow shutting my mouth with super glue. Haruhi looks at me and sighs.

I blush when she looks at me but she turns back to the building a moment later. We enter from the back and once inside I'm bombarded with the smell of sweet perfume. It seems like they pump it through the vents. My eyes water, but I stride forward with everyone else. Tamaki appears to be leading the way, but the twins look like they don't approve of the direction I'm going.

"Boss, you're going to wrong way," one says and I recognize the stance as Hikaru.

"No, we're going to start on the West side and work our way back," Tamaki says with a twirl of his hand.

"No, we should start on the East," says Kaoru. I smile as they start to bicker and try to locate my bodyguards. The cousins are a few feet behind us, watching the scene with annoyance. I smile at them and they frown back at me.

"Come," Hana motions. I stray from the group and go to my bodyguards.

"What?" I ask, relief washing over me.

"Why are they such idiots?" Haru mutters beneath his breath.

"You should watch out for the kid with the glasses. His bodyguards were trying to get some information out of us. He seems like a suspicious kid with even more suspicious bodyguards," Hana tells me into my ear. My eyes widen slightly with her warning. I knew now that I wasn't the only who thought Kyoya was suspicious.

"Understood. You can get Kou and Fu to come pick us up, I don't want to stay with these people longer than necessary," I reply. She catches the sharp edge to my tone and immediately nods her head. She knows that something went on and she knows that I don't feel comfortable with them anymore.

"Hurry up Susan-chan," Honey's voice calls. I look back to the group and my anxiety hits me like a brick. Maybe I should just go home. Then I see Haruhi barraged by the twins and Tamaki and I know I can't leave her. Her face is much too sad.

"I'm coming," I groan and drag my feet to the brothel. "Which way are we going?"

"Have you ever been here before?" Tamaki asks coming into my face. My heart pounds and I raise my hand to hit him, but as usual Mori pulled him back. I sigh and shake my head.

"We're starting on the East side," the twins say with huff.

"Don't lie! We're starting on the West side," Tamaki exclaims at the top of his lungs.

The few people who were in the mall stopped and stared at us. Their eyes were on me especially and I couldn't take it. I grab Haruhi's arm softly and begin to walk away from the group. She follow, not even shrugging me away. We begin to walk faster and I remember why Kou had wanted me to enter this place. He wanted me to me our new tenants. Somehow, when we moved we had extra money, so we bought a space here. We've been renting it out since the beginning of the month and they're under our protection.

"Where are you going?" a familiar voice asks. I glare at Kyoya as he began to match steps with us.

"I don't want to just stand in the doorway and have people stare at us," I hiss at him. Haruhi gave me a disapproving look but I turn and focus on where we were walking, my rage and anxiety mixing together.

"Guys hurry up," Honey yells at the others. I looks back for a second and saw that the twins and Tamaki were still arguing. When they noticed they were alone, they follow and catch up to us.

"What store are we going to go into first?" Tamaki asks.

The question sparked a new argument and I shake my head. Why can't they just agree on something? As they followed us and argued, people were staring. I started breathing harder and not from me picking up the pace. If they kept drawing attention to us like this, I am going to get a panic attack. The eyes were on us the whole time. I turn to the right and ended up walking into a store. When we were in the entry way, I take a good look at the store. It was Dolce and Gabanna, and it was beautiful.

The store itself was painted a black color, but was adorned with crystals and mirrors. There were mirrors lining the ceiling and when I look up at our reflection, I chuckle. We looked like a bunch of preps who had every type of rich kid possible. Haruhi and I were a little out of place, but we actually look like we led the pack. My gaze shifted to the crystal chandelier that engulfed the white marble floors in their shining beauty. I could tell that Haruhi's and my eyes were as wide as saucers. Light classical music flowed in the background.

"Well are you going to walk in?" Kyoya asks, his tone lined with humor at my amazement. I glare at him and wonder how I could ever think he was nice.

"You don't enjoy anything?" I retort with faux-amusement in my voice. The boy's eyes narrowed ever so slightly behind his glasses. I turn my chin up and away. A girl then approaches us and I realize that I was still attached to Haruhi's side.

"Are any of you looking for something specific?" she asks. I tense at her gaze when she looked at me and her lip turned upwards into a sneer. My face was bruised and my self-esteem was beaten with one look from the girl dressed in a fancy black mini-dress.

"No," Tamaki saves, the girl turning her eyes to the princely boy.

She giggles some unknown joke and I roll my eyes. The twins were suddenly in front of us and they pulled into the store. I lost grip of Haruhi and Kaoru took my hand, leading me away. Soon we were surrounded by clothes that I knew had more than three digits. Kaoru held me a little away from himself and inspected me like I was a new toy. His eyes were sparkling with curiosity and excitement. I merely blush heavily under his scrutiny.

"Kaoru? What are you doing?" I ask after he started circling me like a vulture.

"How do you know I'm Kaoru? I could be Hikaru," he says mischievously. I look at him blank-faced.

"But you are Kaoru," I reply.

"That's funny. How do you know? By my hair?" he asks suddenly suspicious. I roll my eyes and blush.

"I know because I have twins of my own and I get to know their quirks: the way they walk, the way they enunciate words, the way their eyes look at things. I just know you're Kaoru," I reply and he froze in place. I roll my eyes again and went to look at the rack. Haruhi came back a moment later.

"They're going to want to dress us up like dolls," she sighs as Hikaru came prancing back to us with multiple dresses in his hands.

"Of course. Why else would we go shopping?" Hikaru replies, his twin recovering from his shock and coming to his side with dresses in his hands.

"For yourselves?" I ask hopefully.

"Don't make me laugh! We have personal stylists for ourselves. You guys, obviously do not," Kaoru replies with a large smile on his face. I frown and remember when I wondered if they had personal hairstylists. Guess my hunch was right.

"Please don't make me wear that pink thing," I moan as Kaoru once again strips me from Haruhi. She looks back at me with a pleading look as Hikaru takes her away.

"You will try on whatever we want," Tamaki exclaims, picking up pink dresses along his way to us. I moan and blush at the sound. How I could ever kill a person with my bare hands and then blush when I make a weird noise astounds me.

"Senpai, you have to go easy on her. She can't deal with us too much. I'm surprised she has lasted this long," Haruhi whispers to him when he goes to her. I turn my head and feel the source of my calm behind me. Hana and Haru are glaring at the girl who gave me a dirty look. I snicker when she squeals and runs away to the back of the store. They turn to me and give me big goofy grins.

"It's because she has her two friends," Honey says, looking between me and the cousins. I am surprised he caught on so quickly. Looking at the small boy, I wonder just how child-like he really is. His eyes scream evil mastermind as he gazes back at me.

"Well, anyway. We should get them into the changing rooms. We still have to go to a few stores," Kyoya says as he takes out a black book. I watch as the evil man writes evil plans in his evil book. He's just evil.

"Come on girls!" Tamaki says as he grabs both Haruhi and I. I put my feet into the ground and he stops pulling. My heart is pounding with their enthusiasm and I feel exhausted by their presence already.

"But I don't want to spend all that money on nothing. I don't need any dresses. If I have to be formal, Kou has an arsenal of choices," I tell him. I rub my wrist when he lets go. My wrist is somehow twisted and I wonder which one of my men caused the wound.

"Yes, but we don't like your clothes," Hikaru says, coming to my right side. I blush at his answer.

"Besides, you can't come to the dance like this," Kaoru replies, coming to my left side. I blush even harder.

"What dance?" I ask. Tamaki is suddenly hiding behind Mori and I'm ready to leave all these fools and go home.

"We want you to come to our Spring Dance next week," Kyoya says, his pen stopping for only one second.

"No," I reply with harsh tone.

"Why not?" says Honey, who is suddenly clutching his stuffed bunny and giving me puppy dog eyes.

"Because I don't want to go to your guy's dance. It's a dance only for your weird fangirls. I don't need them to come after me. Besides, I don't like crowds or dances," I reply and cross my arms over my beating chest.

I have to admit that I'm getting more used to them when we're alone. My panic attacks aren't as soon as they were with them before. My anxiety is not gnawing at the surface like it normally does. It might be because I can feel the cousin's presence and they are calming me down further, or maybe it's because I'm getting used to their weirdness. There is an odd silence when no one knows the right thing to say. I nod my head like this was the obvious answer to everything all along.

"You do like dancing," Kyoya breaks the silence. My head turns to him and my eyes try to pierce his flesh.

"Shut up," I threaten. It doesn't work because the evil boy merely gives me a smile and continues on with his statement.

"When you were at school on Thursday, you were sad because you would never dance with 'him'" he says in a teasing tone that somehow appeared more malicious than carefree.

"I heard that too," Tamaki chimes in from his place behind Mori. I glare at the blond and he makes a scared noise and hides once again.

"Who is he, Susan-chan?" Honey says in a childish tone filled with curiosity.

"A boyfriend?" Hikaru asks.

My palms are sweaty.

"Perhaps," Kaoru muses.

My heart starts pounding.

"I think it might be her ex," Kyoya adds fire to the already roaring flames.

My breath hitches in my throat.

"Yah, the boyfriend who did all her piercings," Tamaki's voice exclaims.

I search the room for my bodyguards, but I feel faint.

"Maybe," Mori adds with a nod of his head.

Black circles begin to cloud my vision.

"But why would she hold onto him?" Honey says in shock.

I'm starting to wheeze.

"Maybe because he was the best boyfriend she ever had," Hikaru says devilishly.

I can't breathe anymore.

"Ah, first love," Kaoru adds.

I feel trapped. I can't do this anymore.

"Guys," I yell. "I'm right here. Stop talking about me!"

I close my eyes as the panic attack threatens to take me over. They've done it. They've taken my hope that I could actually have them as friends and stepped all over it with football cleats. I don't know if they actually care about me enough to calm me down. Someone comes to me and I feel arms stretch out to engulf me. The body is small and for a moment I think its Hana. But when I close my arms around the petite frame, the cloth isn't that of a kimono. It feels like a cotton dress. It's Haruhi.

"Shhhhh," she says. "You're going to be alright. Here, let's just count to ten and breathe."

"I can't," I say between gasps.

"Just try," she returns. I keep my eyes closed and she pulls my body closer to her. "One."

"One," I say.

My breathing tries to steady itself.

"Two," Haruhi returns.

I tremble slightly and curl my hands in the fabric of her dress.

"Three," I reply.

Taking deep breaths, I wonder if anyone could die from too much oxygen. I don't think so.

"Four."

My palms are still sweaty but my heart doesn't feel like I'm having a heart-attack anymore.

"Five."

Maybe I can open my eyes? I don't think so. I don't feel like the room is spinning, but I don't trust my vison just yet.

"Six. You're going great Senpai."

My hands begin to slip away from the material of her dress.

"Seven."

I take my arms back and place them on my hips, breathing in and out.

"Eight."

Haruhi takes her hands away from me.

"Nine."

I open my eyes and find Haruhi smiling at me. She seems relieved. I'm relieved that I didn't actually have an attack, only the precursor to one.

"Ten," she says.

My gaze travels to the brothel who look at me with scared faces. They never know what to do to stop the attacks. They wouldn't last a day in the real world. My eyes travel to Kyoya and he seems surprisingly sorry. His eyes which are normally haughty and all knowing, look scared and unsure. I don't like that in his eyes, but also don't like the haughty tone to his beautiful orbs. What? When did I think his eyes were beautiful? Oh god. I blush even harder and turn back to Haruhi.

"Thank you," I whisper. She just nods. I turn back to the brothel, my anxiety lessened. "I don't want to go to your dance if you're going to do this to me."

"We won't allow her to go to the dance if you treat her this way," Hana says, appearing when the whole trial is over. I glare at her slightly, but she doesn't even look at me.

"We're sorry," Hikaru apologizes.

"We got a little carried away," Kaoru acknowledges.

"It won't happen again," Tamaki vows, somehow being brave enough to stand up to the small woman. Where the hell does he get that courage?

"It won't," booms the silent voice of Haru. The brothel flinches with the normally quiet cousin's angry tone.

"Besides, she should go to the dance," Hana says.

"I don't thin—" I start.

"No. You can't be cooped up with us all the time. You have to go out there and have fun. Make friends, no matter how stupid they may be. Besides, they just have to learn that they can't be so hard on you. They'll learn, or else they won't see the sun rise the next day," Hana says, her cheerful voice turning to a dark demon's with the threat. The brothel looks shocked she would threaten them so openly. The small woman smiles at them and then goes back to her hidden place.

"Well," Haruhi starts and ends with an open mouth. I look at her and smile thankfully. I like Haruhi. She seems like she's going to be a very good friend to me.

"Let's go try on clothes," I tell her and then lead her to the dressing rooms. The brothel recovers in another second and follows, arguing about clothes. I open one of the rooms and find its large enough for us both. I motion for Haruhi to come in and she follows.

"Okay, you guys start with these ones," Tamaki says, trying to hand us his pile. The twins beat him to it and give us their piles. I snort at Tamaki's sad face, my anxiety somehow being lessened with them saying they won't stress me out.

"Guys this is too much," Haruhi mutters as she tries to hang them on the hook. I snort at the twin's faces that she didn't like their choices.

Turning I look at them all. They might be weird or might bring me to the edge of a panic attack, but they aren't bad people. My gaze looks at each one. They try to be good people and good friends. My eyes land on Kyoya's who is surprisingly watching me. I look him in the eyes and suddenly it's like we're the only people on the planet. A burning curiosity flames both of our eyes and I watch as a smile begins to form on his face. But this smile is somehow different. It feels more alive, more real. I smile myself and somehow wonder who this Kyoya is.

* * *

We went through just about the whole mall. I had not found a dress yet. Whether it be because the brothel rejected it or I found it too ugly to actually be in existence, I had no articles in hand. Haruhi though, had several. All of which were paid for by those who chose them. I don't even want to talk about the prices. They were sinful. Clothing shouldn't cost that much when people are starving in the world.

The brothel was better with my anxiety. They didn't allow people to stare at me for too long. They also didn't hold conversations about me in front of me either. My anxiety was lowered to a point that it was like a throbbing appendage. You knew it hurt, but if you didn't think about if for some time, it felt like it actually might be okay. Of course, it did help that the cousins stuck closer to me than before. They were worried that I had an attack and they weren't the ones who comforted me.

"Come on Susan-chan," Honey calls. I was stuck standing looking at one of the store's windows. I looked at the mannequins and felt the strange feeling that I had seen this set up before.

"Can we go in here?" I ask, a little louder than normal because the brothel had started to walk away. The group came back and they looked at the mannequins with disgust.

"Here?" Kaoru asks, blatant disgust on his face. I snort and nod.

"It's almost closing time though," Hikaru whines.

"Are you sure?" Kyoya asks me. I was surprised with the question, but blushed and nodded. He sighed and says, "Come one. We have to let her have her way for at least one time."

"I like this store, Senpai," Haruhi consoled me as we enter.

The store was white and didn't look as expensive as every other place we were in. It was more minimalist, but the clothes were the real things. The store's name was 'Unique' and I understood why it was named that. Every article of clothing was handmade. There were dresses with simple patterns but the fabric was so symmetrical, it was beautiful.

"Hello. What can I do for you?" a young girl asks as she came out of the back room.

"We're just browsing," I answer before the brothel asks fancy questions. The girl when her eyes lay upon me, widen and her mouth drops open. She bows lowly and I'm startled.

"Susan-hime! I didn't know you were dropping by today," she exclaimed as she bowed. It hits me like a ton of bricks. This is the store that is renting our space! That's why the set-up was familiar. Kou must have shown me pictures.

"It's okay. I just wanted to shop," I reply quickly. The girl pops up from her bow and looks at me surprised. She is wearing a red A-line dress that appears to be satin. It goes to her knees, but unlike everyone we've seen, her hair is in a simple bun and she lacks the elegant jewelry.

"I can find you some things. Or we can make something that will suit you. Of course it is free of charge for you Susan-hime," she replies and then another girl who is dressed extremely similar to the first comes out. That girl bows lowly and I move to them.

"You don't have to bow or do this. You guys already pay rent." I feel bad if I take their money from them and then take free clothes too.

"But you gave us a home!" the new girl exclaims. I shake my head but she continues, "We were being harassed by Sendo-kai before. You gave us a home and saved us. They would have killed us!"

"Yes, but that isn't a reason you should give me free stuff," I reply. They shake their heads in protest.

"No. We will give them to you for free even if you don't want them!"

"Okay, okay. I get it. I won't pay," I say with a huff.

"Great. Now, what's a good color?" the first girl asks.

"Purple," I answer truthfully.

"Okay. We'll be ready in a few minutes. You wait here," they tell me. They leave a moment later and I'm left with the surprised silence of the brothel.

"How do you know them?" Tamaki asks, a little confused.

"I rent this space to them. I thought that the front seemed familiar, but I haven't actually been here before. I'm sorry," I tell him.

"How can you rent the space?" Hikaru asks. I look at him and wish they would just drop the subject.

"I own this space. They lease it from me. They don't actually pay too much, which I wanted to make sure. They were just getting started when they moved here."

"Where were they before?" Haruhi asks, curious herself.

"Some dumpy mall. Like you heard, they were getting harassed and had to move out. I had Kou and the twins move them in here. But like I said, never actually came here before," I tell them. The cousins began to look around the shop, curious with the dresses and products in the store.

"How did you actually get the money for this place?" Kyoya asks, his eyes darkened ten shades. He's being suspicious.

"I have my ways," I reply with a cheeky grin. I won't tell him anything. He can't know too much.

"Susan-hime," the girls came back with multiple dresses in their hands.

They usher me into a dressing room and I am suddenly in a room with Haruhi and different dresses. They're all beautiful shades of purples but some on Haruhi's side are green and blue. Mine are light pastel purple colors and others are black plum shades. I love the darker ones, but to my sadness I'm instructed to put on the light ones first. I look to Haruhi and she just shrugs and turns to put on a pastel green one.

"I don't like the light ones," I argue.

"You'll wear light colors for once in your life!" Tamaki exclaims.

"You look like a Goth," Honey adds.

"I don't wear any makeup. Therefore I can't be Goth," I say in astonishment. I don't think I could ever trust these guy's fashion choices.

"Let her try on the dark ones if she wants," Mori interrupts to my surprise. I smile behind the door.

"Listen to Mori!" I whine as I put on a dark blackish plum dress.

The dress has long sleeves and goes to the floor. The back is a corset but the neck is squared off. When I put it on, the dress is tight until my hips and flares out. The dress has a satin base a plum shade with lace overlay in black. It's beautiful. Haruhi turns around and gasps. She smiles widely, having gotten into the whole shopping thing over the hours. She ties the faux corset and I'm surprised when I look at the back and see that it shows nothing.

"You guys take forever," one of the twins exclaims.

"Let us take our time," Haruhi chides.

She turns around and I lace up the back for her. Her dress is a knee length pastel green. It looks beautiful on her, but I take her hair into my hands. I put her hair into a bun and fix her sweetheart neckline. The dress is like sheath, but with Haruhi's figure it looks like its runway material. Her white shoes go with the dress beautifully. I smile at her and she blushes as she looks at herself in the mirror.

"I think I'm going to get you this one," I tell her.

"No way Senpai. I don't want you to buy me a dress. Besides I already have too many," she argues with not enough enthusiasm. She must like the dress.

"Yes, but none of them looked like this. You look beautiful in this one," I tell her. She blushes again and I chuckle at her expression in the mirror.

"Okay, but you have to take that dress for yourself," she tells me. I shake my head. "No buts. You are getting it. Just watch, everyone is going to think you look beautiful."

"If you say so," I mutter and touch my bruised face. If my face wasn't so bruised it might actually be nice. But right now, I think I look like a little gangster girl playing dress up.

"Guys come on out!" Tamaki yells, way too excited.

"We're coming," I yell back.

When we open the door, Tamaki freezes in place. I watch as his mouth drops open and he looks at me surprised. No words escape his mouth. His vision turns to Haruhi and I could swear I can see something blossom in his eyes. I turn to the rest of the brothel. The Hitachiin twins are gazing at me with blatantly surprised faces. Mori and Honey are smiling happily. When my eyes meet those of the cold boy, I meet uncertainty. His hand is to his mouth in an attempt to shield the fact that it's dropped open. I smile at his expression and he smiles at me. But his eyes are looking at me so softly, that I think this isn't actually Kyoya. It couldn't be.

"Good?" I ask breathlessly.

Kyoya merely nods once. I smile at him and he walks to me. Butterflies gather in my stomach and I wonder why I'm so nervous all of a sudden. I wonder when I got so short when I stare up at Kyoya. His hand moves away from his mouth and I blush. My heart is pounding in my chest, but I like this feeling. My eyes want to flutter closed but I keep them open and watch his mouth. Is he going to kiss me? Oh my god, this is what happens in the movies. I feel like I'm going to faint when his hand brushes my ear. His fingers are cold. They grab a lose strand of hair and tucks it behind my ear. Almost realizing what he's done, his eyes seem to brighten and he steps back.

"Are you guys alright there?" Honey asks as I look away from Kyoya.

I hope everyone isn't look at me. Turning to see the others, I'm relieved to see that they're too busy with each other. The only one who is standing with a knowing look is Honey. I glare at the little demon and go back into the dressing room. Haruhi follows a moment after and we get out of our dresses. The brothel wants us to try on more but I don't want to put out my tenants too badly. That and I don't want whatever Kyoya did to happen again. I think I've had enough weird things for today.

"We thank you for letting us stay here, Susan-hime," the girls say at the checkout, as they put our dresses into bags.

"You know I couldn't let you guys stay there," I reply. They only give me happy smiles. I give them smiles back and take my bag and hand Haruhi's hers.

"Susan-sama," Haru says behind my back. I turn when I hear the concern in his tone.

"What?" I asked. He looks at me with an angry face.

"We need to go. Something happened at one of our storage houses," he tells me. Nodding stiffly, I give my dress to Hana who is standing nearby. She doesn't look at all calm. I touch her hand as I give her the bag and give her a reassuring smile. She stops with the angry and fearful aura. I rotate and see Kyoya's bodyguards watching me carefully. I sneer at them and turn to the brothel.

"It's been nice and all, but I have to leave," I tell them.

"But we were going to go get some food!" Tamaki yells. I look at my phone.

"It's almost midnight guys. Besides there's some stuff I have to settle at home before the week starts," I reply and then move away. The cousins are tense and I wonder what happened during our outing. We leave the store and are walking quickly to the exit. The mall empty except for our rapid footsteps.

"Susan-chan!" a voice yells as we round the corner in the mall. I turn and see that it's Kyoya.

"What?" I ask, a little too harsh for his own good. The boy replaces his face with an angry mask. He runs to me but remains ten feet from me.

"Don't come to school like that. It doesn't suit you," he replies with a smirk as he motions to my face. I snort and look at him with cocky smile.

"But bruises and cuts are my best accessories," I tell him before turning and leaving him there.

* * *

_**Hey everybody! Author here. How is everyone doing? I'm putting this up from my school library a I hope it isn't too choppy. PS this keyboard sucks, some keys get sssssssssssssssssssssssssssstuck. Anyway, cute moment with our two weirdos. In addition, I'm thinking about making Kasanoda as a love interest. Anyone up for that? Please let me know if you like this story. I'm going to try to get the chapters out more regularly, but if not I won't leave you on a cliff-hanger. Promise. Anyways, let me know if you like this, I kinda get worried if no comments come in. **_

_**As always, Review, Follow, Fave, Obsess. Love you guys! See you soon. **_


	10. Tears are Better than Blood

**Chapter Ten: Tears are Better than Blood  
**

* * *

"**When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them."**

― **Lemony Snicket, **_**Horseradish**_

"**All causes shall give way: I am in blood**

**Stepp'd in so far that, should I wade no more,**

**Returning were as tedious as go o'er."**

― **William Shakespeare, **_**Macbeth**_

"**And with tears of blood he cleansed the hand,**

**The hand that held the steel:**

**For only blood can wipe out blood,**

**And only tears can heal"**

― **Oscar Wilde**

* * *

"You like him or something because that last line was pretty cute," Hana asks when we head to the car.

She gives me a sly smile and I give her a slight glare. She laughs and Haru gives me a smirk of his own. I shake my head and I don't pay them any mind. Hana was saying just a while ago that Kyoya was suspicious; now she wants to know if I like him or something. What the hell are they thinking?

"Come on, we have some business to take care of," I tell them, very annoyed with this change in mood.

The cousins snicker one last time before their faces change into gangster mode. With every step on the marble floor of the mall, I start my change. I'm calm. I am as strong as iron, swift as the wind, and wise as time. My men need a leader. I will be the leader, the leader which will protect them at all costs. My name is Susan Crea, and I am boss of the yakuza Dojin-kai. It has been completed.

"Fu, you out there?" Haru asks into his cell phone.

I hear a voice on the other line and when we exit the mall, Fu is sitting in one car, while the twins and Kou are sitting in another car behind him. The cousins and I get into the car, me taking shotgun for a change. When the doors of the sedan close, Fu takes off as at a faster speed than normal. His whole posture says worried and now I'm wondering how bad the loss is. If they hit a storage, I'm going to have to get enough money to get at least half of the supplies back.

"Status report," I say, calmly. I send what I hope is a calm aura out into the car full of anxiety and tension.

"Our storage house on the border of Sendo-kai was gunned down, ransacked and burned. We lost ten men in the exchange. It was retaliation for our killing Sendo-kai's largest regiment. In addition, Sendo-kai wants an audience with you next week. I told them we might or might not show up. They said that if you didn't visit by Wednesday, that they will be visiting us themselves. I'm pretty sure that they want to play in a death match. They are confident in their skills now that they have taken out our storage warehouse, but I doubt that they can defeat you," Fu says with both anger and confidence in his tone.

Sendo-kai finally retaliated. I recall when I said that the other shoe had to drop; this is the other shoe. It was only a matter of time before Sendo took its revenge for when we killed their best regiment. For them coming to us, that would be preferable. I am not going to walk into their syndicate when they're gunning down my men. They'll kill me, my bodyguards, and my driver. They'll kill anyone really. And worse yet, they're going to take over my syndicate and run it into the ground.

"Let them come to us. But let's go check the warehouse. Be careful. This still might be a set-up to get us alone. I'm going to have to replace the arms by the weekend. I think there might be some heir who does arms trading at Ouran. It's possible, but I'll take care of this week."

My men nod their heads and I notice that the Bluetooth is on the dash. I guess it's connected to the other car so that the other men's car hear the plans that we're making. This couldn't have come at a worse time though. I was just about to go to them and ask for a death match, but now Sendo-kai is going to make the first move. It'll be harder to get what we want. And besides, where am I going to find am arms supplier that will give us half our inventory back by the end of this week? This whole month is going to go to shit.

"Susan-sama," Kou's voice comes from the speaker.

"Yes, Kou."

"So, how did shopping go?" I can hear the excitement in his voice, but underneath it all is fear. He's scared of what we're going to walk into right now and doesn't want to think about it.

"I don't think we should discuss it here," I tell him. I hear the grunts from the twins on the other side, affirming my decision. "When we get home, you can badger me all about it with Hana."

"What did you say Hana?" Kou asked a little surprised, but still trying to put his mind off of this death trap.

"That the one with glasses likes Susan, and I think the feeling is mutual," she laughs out. I turn around in the car and glare at her. She laughs again, but this time Kou joins her and laughs through the speaker.

"Guys, do we really have to talk about this?" I whine, a smile coming to my face. For a second, you could actually pretend that we weren't on our way to kill people.

"I don't like him," Hideo snorts on the other side.

"Agreed," Haru says behind me.

"I think he is a little weird, but Susan-sama isn't your most normal person either," Aiko muses in a voice that says he's up to mischief.

"Yah, you should have heard what she told him," Hana remarks with a large childlike smile. I roll my eyes and look to Fu for help. He merely looks curious himself.

"What did she say?" Hideo asks, a little disgruntled at his twin for calling me weird.

"What was it? It was something like, 'bruises or cuts are the best accessories'" she muses.

"Guys, you're getting out of hand. We shouldn't be talking about this stuff right now," I say, trying to hide the blush that is starting at the tips of my ears. I pray that the cousins don't tell them about what Kyoya did when I was wearing the plum dress.

"You sound embarrassed, Susan-sama," Kou remarks on the other side surprised. I begin to open my mouth to interject, but I'm beaten to it.

"She's blushing," Fu says calmly.

"Traitor," I mutter quietly.

"I heard that!" Aiko yells on the other side. I groan and begin to pray we get to the warehouse. My men are beginning to feel so comfortable that they can tease their boss. I don't think that's a bad thing, but if they embarrass me anymore, I'll lose my gangster mode.

"We're here," Fu says after a moment of silence.

I sigh and look at where our warehouse building used to stand. What is left is only charred first floor walls. It seems like the second floor collapsed into itself. I'm sure that anyone in the building would have perished in the fire. The fire department wouldn't have even tried to go in. it would be too risky even for them. But even now, Sendo-kai men could be lurking around, waiting for the opportunity to take me out.

"Alright guys," I start then smile to myself. "We're going to go in. I'm being honest when I say this, but I don't know what will happen. I want you guys to stay outside the building and I'm going to go in alone. Before you argue, I know that there might be snipers or men in there right now. But the fact to the matter is, that if you're with me, we're a large target. They'll know where I am because you guys are protecting me. I'll be fine. I've done this before. I won't get hit. I promise."

"Hai," is the confirmation I get after a few moments of silence. They don't want to let me go, but know they have to.

"Fu, do you have my extra artillery?" I ask the driver as he slows down in front of the doors.

He nods and opens the glove compartment at my knees. In it, I find Sally and a curved hunting knife. I take the knife and put it in waistband. Taking Sally, I put on the silencer next to here and step out of the car. I give my men one last glance before nodding and entering the rubble. As much as it kills them to see their boss go in alone, I know that they aren't experienced enough to know how to go about this kind of situation. If anything, they'll get killed and I won't have anyone to lead.

I step over the first room and head to the back where we would have had our blades. To my right, I get the feeling I'm being watched. As I move on, there is a slight disturbance of the rubble to that side. They're there. I enter the room and swing around to the right. Knowing the layout of my warehouse is one thing that they didn't expect.

I come around the wall and sure enough, see a man with one of our machine guns walking to where I just went. Quietly getting closer to him, he doesn't notice my steps. I raise Sally and give one shot to his head. I brace him as he falls so he doesn't make that much of a sound. I examine the body and find a small wireless speaker in his ear. I put it in and voices flood through the small earpiece.

"She is probably entering the backroom right now."

"Why did she leave her men outside?"

"Beats me. She is really stupid."

"We'll end this right here. She isn't going to think she can come here and beat us. We've been here for years."

"Hey shut up. I see her coming your way. Want me to take the shot?"

"No, I'll do it."

"Alright. Hurry up, I wanna get out of here and go home."

These Sendo-kai men were really idiots. There were about five voices that I heard on the radio and two knew where I was. One would take the shot. I could hear the one approaching to finish me off and I went to what I hoped was a blind spot for them. Hiding behind a pillar of what used to be a supporting beam, the man came in front of me. With one shot, I caught his falling body with a small oof. The others were silent, but when they didn't hear a shot ring out, they started talking again.

"Hey man. You okay over there? Do you think she got him?"

"Naw, she doesn't even know we're here."

"That's what we hope. I'm gonna go check over there."

"I'll go with you just in case."

The voices ceased once again, and I waited patiently in between my pillar and the rubble. I waited and soon enough, the shuffling of feet could be heard. The steps got closer and I let the first guy go a little further and when I saw the second I shot the first. Since there were two, I couldn't stop the drop of the body. The second man turned and raised his gun, but I got to him before and his body fell to the ground. I couldn't stop the cry that the second man gave before I killed him.

"Guys? Guys? Are you okay? Answer now!"

"Shit, she's killing everyone! I'm out of here."

The voices left and a few moments later, I heard the two gun shots ring out outside. My men got the two who were too cowardly to face me. I laugh slightly and walk over my body count. I put Sally in my waistband next to my combat knife. I'm about to take the earpiece out, but my hand freezes. There's breathing on the other end. Shit. I miscounted and now I'm out in the open. I feel someone to my left and I dive out of the way just as a shot hits the ground. I see the man and he sees me.

Taking Sally out, I quickly get behind a pillar. Shots hit the wall and stop. I turn and shoot Sally two rounds. I'm going to need to reload. More shots hit the wall behind me and I know that his gun is almost out. I shoot two more rounds and I'm out. The other gun empties his rounds also and I can hear him swear on the other end of the earpiece. I take a deep breath and take Harry off of my thigh.

When I look where the guy should be, he's gone. Something knocks me down and I'm struggling as I hit the floor. I'm too slow. I am too tired because we trained all night. I'm lucky if I'll get out of this. My assailant lands on top of me and Harry flies out of my hand. The guy raises his hand and attempts to bash in my head with a rock. Kicking him in balls, he flinches and I roll on top of him.

Taking my combat knife from out of the back of my waistband, I try to stab him. Suddenly he punched me and I roll of dazed. I'm way too slow. I have to get away from him, but my grip on my knife isn't right because of my twisted wrist. There went my combat knife and I roll away on top of the rubble. When I get up, the man has my knife and swipes at me. I'm breathing hard already, and I don't make it.

Warmth and a stinging sensation fills my stomach and I know I've been hit. The man screams and runs at me with the knife raised above his head. I dodge and quickly get my switchblade out of boot when his back is facing me. As he turns, I side swipe his leg and he goes down. Kicking my large knife out of his hands, I jump on top of him and stab him in the heart. He flails and I push in harder while he takes his last breaths.

"_Shit,_" I mutter while breathing hard.

I feel my stomach and take my hand away from my new wound. I look at my now bloody hand. I shouldn't have come in alone. If my men were here, they wouldn't have allowed for me to get hurt. No. Don't think that way. If they came in, it would have gone so much worse. They would have gotten hurt. It was just because I'm tired that I got hurt. I collect my weapons on the floor and put them in their respective places. As I stand, I watch the quiet atmosphere flow by. Kyoya is going to kill me. He told me not to get hurt. Wait, why do I care what he thinks? He's only some boy. I'll be fine. Blood soaks my palm as I hold the wound and I walk through the rest of the warehouse. They really took everything. I open a secret basement door and find that's been ransacked too. They found everything. I walk to the front door and when I exit, Kou is standing nervously outside the car.

"Susan-sama," he yells at me. From that distance, I can see he's relieved I'm okay, but when he comes closer and sees my wound he grows scared. When he reaches me, his eyes are full of tears and he's so scared.

"Stop crying. Let's go home. I need to get sewed up," I tell him and trip on my own feet. The young boy catches me and picks me up bridal style. He runs to the car and he places me in the back with the twins in the front.

"Susan-sama, you are injured," Hideo yells in the small space. Aiko who's in the driver's seat, turns and they look at me with scared looks.

"It's not too deep. Now can we go home?" I ask, close to passing out due to blood loss.

"Will you be okay?" Kou asks me, blubbering like a baby.

"I'll always be okay. If I'm with you guys, I will always be okay," I tell him.

He moves me off of the seat and onto his lap and closes the door. The boy holds me as we both lose liquid. He loses tears and I lose blood. I grab his head and console him as he cries over my body. I want him to stop crying, just like how he wants me to stop bleeding. But somehow, I will always see his as worse. Tears will always be worse than blood.

* * *

"I'll be here for you to pick me up like usual, but an hour later. I have to find some kid named Nekozawa about our supplies," I say as I escape the car.

Kou and Fu drove me, but they barely did it. As usual they didn't want me to go to school. I can see their concern because my stomach is killing me. I needed stitches per usual, but because of all the bruising from training it would take me longer to heal than usual. I'm actually supposed to be on bed-rest. That didn't happen but the doctor wrapped me really well and gave me some pain pills.

"Alright, but call if anything happens. If you need medicine or your bandages changed, go to the nurse," Kou instructs. Yesterday he would start crying when I needed to change my bandages. It was so sad and I vow to never get hurt like this ever again.

"I know. Just because yesterday you could boss me around, doesn't mean that I won't listen to you when you aren't with me," I tell him. He was one phone call away from telling my father that I was stabbed. I told Kou that if he did, I could never forgive him. So, he made me promise to tell my father when he calls today.

"Hey, Susan-senpai!" a voice calls. From my place next to the car, I can see one of the Hitachiin twins standing at the gate.

"I'll see you guys later," I tell my men. They nod and I can see their hesitance at leaving me. "I'll be fine. I promise."

"You better!" Kou yells as Fu drives away. I nod and wave to them. When they're gone, I walk over to the twin. Attempting to not appear like I'm sore as hell, I feel my heart start to beat. I'm going to have a heart disease with all this stress.

"Hey Susan-senpai," the twins drawls out and I immediately recognize the tone as Hikaru. Observing the boy further, I can see the lazy slouch and the way he favors his right side. Yep, it's Hikaru.

"How are you Hikaru?" I ask and continue walking past him. For a second, the boy isn't following me and I stop. Looking back, I notice he's just standing there with disbelieving eyes.

"What if I'm not Hikaru?" he recovers and asks me with a teasing tone. I sigh and look forward, walking towards the school once again.

"Your brother said the exact same words when I told him he was Kaoru. Why don't you guys just admit that I can tell you apart and we can go on with our lives? Really, I don't know why you guys don't believe me. Why would I lie? I have no reason to. It would be more fun to always mess with you guys, but it hurts when you aren't recognized. I know because the first week with my twins, I messed up their names. You should have seen Hideo's face. It was so sad."

I'm just nervously ranting now. There is no rhyme or reason to what I'm saying. It's just that I'm so confused why they keep asking me if I know which one is which. Maybe they've never been distinguished as themselves before? Or maybe they're just like little kids who ask you if you're sure for hours after? I don't know, but I do know that this twin is Hikaru. I turn and expect the twin to be next to me, but Hikaru is standing a little behind me with a conflicted face. I wait for him to recover from what appears to be fear and shock, but he stays like that for a good minute.

"Hikaru?" I call, trying to keep the nervousness out of my tone. "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" he replies.

I watch as he shakes his head and gives me a mischievous smile. There seems to still be disbelief in his eyes, but I let it slide and start walking once again. We walk in silence, but I know that the twin is looking at me. I try my best not to appear like I'm in pain, but if you really look it's obvious. When we finally get to the doors, a familiar patter of light steps come at me at an alarming rate. A small blond ball of excitement throws itself at me.

"Susan-chan," Honey yells as I catch him. I cringe and clench my teeth to not let out a whimper. Honey isn't heavy but with my stitches, it pulls at the skin in the wrong way. My stomach is suddenly on fire and I let go of Honey. He nearly falls, but Mori grabs him. My arm immediately goes to my stomach and I hold back the bile from the pure hot pain coursing through my body.

"Are you okay?" Hikaru asks. I wave him off and stand tall. Ignore the pain. If I ignore it until I get to class, they won't worry too badly.

"Yah. I just wasn't expecting you to jump on Honey-senpai. I'm sorry for dropping you," I apologize. Honey looks at me and his childish face makes a suspicious look. I turn to the other two hookers and they wear the same suspicious gaze. "We better get to class."

"Are you sure you're alright?" This time it's Mori, and I'm surprised the giant actually speaks to me. I look at him and bite my lip ring slightly. I nod stiffly and begin to walk toward my classroom. The others follow me and I can feel their worried looks at my back. Other than that, all I feel is blinding pain. It's surprising that my anxiety isn't taking over. Maybe it's because I'm in too much pain.

"I'll see you guys later," I say when we come to our different hallways. They nod and I let my body relax into a limp. As I walk, I lift my shirt up and feel my bandages. They don't feel wet, so they might not have torn open. Though they might still bleed later. Damnit. I need to talk to that stupid kid today too. I really get all the shit at once.

I enter my classroom and immediately can tell Kyoya and Tamaki know that there's something wrong. I wouldn't doubt it if Honey text them to watch me. Their gazes on me pierce my soul and I drop my bag at my desk. The bell rings a moment later and Honda-sensei instructs us to sit. Through my classes my stomach throbs painfully, but by lunch I can feel the moisture on my stomach. I'm bleeding and it feels like my stitches have split open. When the next bell rings, signaling lunch, I get up quickly and escape my annoying classmates.

"Susan-chan! Where are you going?" Tamaki yells. I run away, toward the nurse's office and can feel the blood start to stain my shirt. Going down another hall, I finally find the nurses office. It's surprisingly dark and quiet. Going inside, I lock the door behind me.

"Hello?" I call out. There is no there. I don't feel anyone. But maybe my mind is more focused on the pain to actually think straight.

Looking at the eight beds, four on each side, I see the medical cabinet by the one closest to the window. I go to the last bed in the room and pray no one comes walking in. I pull the sheet to enclose myself and notice that bed across from mine has someone in it. They better not wake up, but if they do I really could care less. I'm too much in throbbing pain to think straight. Taking off my shirt, I look for the peroxide in the cabinet. I take it out along with bandages, cotton pads, wipes and rubbing alcohol.

When I remove the bandage, I realize it's not as bad as I expected. The stitches aren't undone yet. Instead they're pulled and irritated. One side is bleeding worse than the other and I grab the rubbing alcohol and pour it on a wipe. Biting my lip, I start to wipe my stitches down. The pain is now sharp and searing. I give a whimper and try to clean faster. This damn wound is probably the most annoying thing I've had in a long time.

When I'm sure that the wound is fully cleaned with alcohol, I grab the peroxide and a towel from the cabinet. I lay the towel below the wound and with a shaking hand open the peroxide. I hate the ugly brown bottle with a passion. When I was in the foster system I remember when they taught me about infections. I used to have cuts all the time, but only got peroxide when I stole it from the nurse at school. If I didn't go to school for a while, I just used salt. Sometimes I think the salt was better. With a shaking hand, I prepare myself for the bubbling pain and pour the liquid on the stitches.

"Oh my god," I breathe out. I'm beginning to sweat from the pain. Maybe it would have been better to just let the nurse clean me up.

"What are you doing?" a voice asks, and I look up. Sweat and a lone tear of pain rolls down my face. The voice belongs to a stranger. A stranger who just so happens to be looking at me with wide eyes as I sit in a bra and clean my wound.

"Cleaning my wound. It pulled," I tell him. I don't have the energy to even blush at him. He's blond with the bluest blue eyes I've seen in a long time. In a lot of the ways, he looks like Tamaki. I grab the bandages and realize I should put the cotton pads on first before wrapping.

"Shouldn't you get the nurse?" the boy asks me. I shake my head and drop the towel on the floor. It smells slightly of blood and sterile liquid. The boy looks at the towel and picks it up, putting it on the table next to the bed. Trying to open the cotton pad, I attempt to steady my hands. It's not working.

"Open this for me," I order the taller boy. He looks at me with wide eyes but heeds my words. He hands me the pad and I tenderly lay it on the right side of my stitches. "This one too."

"Are you sure you don't want the nurse?" he asks, fear creeping into his voice. I shake my head and he hands me the second pad. I put that one on and then grab the roll of bandages. I put it at my back then sigh. I'm too tired and it hurts me too much to stretch around.

"Wrap the wound," I order again. The boy hesitates and I glare. He gives a scared noise and then grabs the roll. He starts off pretty well and I'm too tired and hurt too much to actually care about him seeing me in a bra or touching me. When he gets around to my back his hands stops.

"What ar-" he starts but I interrupt.

"Don't ask questions," I hiss. The boy has tears gathered into his eyes and I blush slightly and look away. Why does everyone cry for me? They shouldn't have to cry. I'm fine. "Don't cry."

The boy tenses and nods, continuing his wrapping. I almost forgot about my back. As much I hate them when I see them, I forget the scars on my back. The boy finally finishes and I stand and throw my shirt on the table with the towel. I look around and find a closet. Opening it up, I find PE t-shirts. I put one that is definitely two sizes too big and then go back to the bed. The boy is still waiting but this time he's sitting on my bed. I check the medicine cabinet and find Tylenol knock-offs. They'll make me sleep, but the pain is still throbbing and I now have a roaring headache.

"So, how did you get the stitches?" the boy asks. I swallow the pills without water and then lay on the bed. I'm surprised it isn't wet from all the sterilizing potions I used. I take out my phone from my skirt pocket and text Kou that I'm in the nurse's office and to pick me up there after school.

"Hey, what did I say?" I ask the boy. He sits at the edge of the bed and I wonder why the room is so dark. Looking at the boy's arms I see a blistering red rash. It hits me. "You're allergic to the sun aren't you?"

"I thought you said no questions," the boy says childishly. Embarrassed, he pokes at the blanket and I notice it's actually a hand puppet. It looks like a cat with funny evil looking eyes.

"Okay, I'll answer some. But you first. You're allergic to sun," I tell him. They boy looks at me and I exchange a soft smile with his embarrassed look.

"Yes. How did you get the stitches?" he asks. I look at him and sigh. He really wants to know.

"I got cut," I reply with a dry tone. Before he tries to argue with the answer I ask, "What's your name?"

"Umehito Nekozawa," he tells me. My eyes widen. This is the boy whose family sells arms. He's the one I'm supposed to talk to. I have to stay awake, because the pills are kicking in and making me so sleepy. "What's your name?"

"Susan Crea," I say, my accent finally matching something I've said with a Japanese person. I text Kou quickly to have the twins and Fu go with this Nekozawa kid after school. "I need to talk to your family. Does your father currently do cash deals with arms?"

"Uh, why are you asking?" he replies with a fearful look. My eyes are starting to get heavy. I have to tell him this though. Kou sends a text back that says he'll have them go to meet with Nekozawa.

"I'm going to send some of my men to make a deal with your father. Our warehouse got burned down and I need supplies to protect my family. I don't want to you to be afraid, I just need help. Please don't tell anyone. I just need help, please help me," I say in a pleading voice. A blush comes to my face and I feel my eyes close. The boy continues to speak and I can distinguish muffled crying, but I just fall asleep. And that's just sad.

* * *

Kyoya and Tamaki were just a little concerned with Susan running off like that. Before classes had even started Honey-senpai had emailed them that she looked sore. Even Mori-senpai emailed and said that she looked hurt. They had tried to see if she had been in pain during classes, but she just looked out of it. But even that was unusual for the American girl. Kyoya knew something was terribly wrong when she didn't even stay after the bell rang. She just ran like she had something to hide.

"Do you think she's in the nurses?" Tamaki asked Haruhi. The girl was walking the halls and Tamaki dragged her along in the search for Susan.

"She could be. If she got hurt, she may not want anyone to see her. It's probably a defense mechanism of hers," the girl mused.

The three students walked the halls and came upon the nurse's office. When Kyoya put his hand on the golden doorknob, he discovered it was locked. The boy then tried knocking and to the surprise of the three, the door opened. On the other side it was pitch black darkness and a boy Kyoya recognized a red-eyed Nekozawa as the doorkeeper.

"Hello Nekozawa-senpai," Tamaki nervously said. The blond haired boy looked at the similar looking boy with a certain amount of fear. Tamaki didn't trust the black magic's club 3rd year.

"Are you here for Crea-chan?" he asked. Kyoya's eyes formed into small slits.

"Don't call her Crea-chan. She doesn't like it," Haruhi informed the older student. The boy nodded and Kyoya caught his blistering skin. He had another allergic reaction.

"Well, she's injured," he muttered. Kyoya immediately felt a pang in his chest. The cold boy figured it was anger because she was the way he would impress his father. But before he could really question it, they walked to girl in the bed.

"What happened? How do you know she was injured? How was she injured? Is she awake right now?" Tamaki fired a thousand miles an hour.

"She has about twenty stitches on her stomach. She said it was pulled. When I woke up, she was just there disinfecting her wound. Her pain was so great, I had to finish bandaging her myself. After she got what I thought were pain killers, she went to sleep. I don't know how she was injured. She wouldn't tell me," Nekozawa let the other three know.

"She had twenty stitches? On her stomach? She didn't have those on Saturday," Haruhi yelped.

Kyoya looked at the girl in the bed for the first time that day. Her face was so peaceful yet so stressed at the same time. If you looked at her for longer, you couldn't tell that she was the boss of yakuza. Her bangs were stuck to her forehead due to the sweat of pain. Her bruised face was both worrisome, but it gave a certain aura to her olive skin. Her piercings also tried to attest to the fact that she was a young yakuza boss, but a hard one. But most of all, all these things didn't stop from the girl's innocent and angelic lips and beautiful closed green eyes. It was like the girl was forced to grow up too soon.

"Did she tell you how she got them?" Tamaki asked, looking at the girl's face. Susan let out a small whimper and Kyoya was immediately at her side.

"No. But the wound did look fresh and it was painful for her," Nekozawa said watching the girl. Haruhi and Tamaki were actually gazing at Kyoya. A surprising look was on his face and the two exchanged a secret smile before looking back at Susan with worried frowns.

"You said you helped her wrap the wound? What did she actually do to the wound?" Kyoya asked as a wave of pain passed through Susan's body. Haruhi busied herself with removing Susan's shoes.

"She put this and this on it. I wrapped it in a bandage after she put pad bandages on it," Nekozawa said, handing two bottles to Tamaki.

"Rubbing alcohol and Peroxide?" the blond leader muttered. Kyoya's eyes opened wider and he clenched the sheet of the bed tighter.

"Those would have been immensely painful on an open wound," Kyoya told them, sharing what little his brother had told him about the medical field.

"She seemed to handle it, but by the scars on her back, she has seen worse," Nekozawa said, watching Susan's face fall into a half-peaceful expression.

"What's on her back?" Tamaki asked.

"I saw them when we were changing too. I only got a glance, but I didn't know what they were exactly," Haruhi muttered and Kyoya was puzzled.

"They looked like scars, but there were so many," Nekozawa said, and watched Haruhi fix Susan's bed sheets.

"How bad are the scars? What are they from?" Kyoya asked and laid his hands on the now made bed with the girl's arms above it.

"There were so many. Her back didn't look like there was a free space where she wasn't scarred and I'm no expert, but they looked like she was whipped. Maybe hit repeatedly with a belt, so much so that they were bleeding. But what scared me when I saw them, was that they were old. She didn't get them recently. They're childhood scars," Nekozawa said.

"You mean she was tortured?" Tamaki asked, a little unwilling to know the truth.

Nekozawa just nodded and looked back at Susan. Nekozawa had been looking into criminal justice after high school or maybe medical. He had seen pictures of torture victims from hostage situations. Susan's were old, but he knew that they were from torture. A silence laid over the room and all the teens looked at Susan with sorrowful frowns.

Haruhi went to the table and started to put things back in their place. When she came upon Susan's shirt and saw it was bloody, she couldn't help the tears that began to fall. Haruhi could never believe that the girl who could smile and talk with her, the girl who looked so at home with her scary gang, the girl who had panic attacks but was never without bruises, was tortured so much and was so young when it happened.

Tamaki went to Haruhi and embraced her in his long arms. Kyoya couldn't imagine what Susan's back looked like. If it was so bad that Haruhi who was normally calm and collected was crying, then it must have been devastating. Kyoya couldn't help the anger that rose up in his soul. How dare someone torture Susan! What kind of monster would do that to a child? His right hand immediately went out and pushed Susan's bangs back. Then Susan's face started to frown so deeply, she was almost looked almost as angry as when she pinned Tamaki to the brick fence of the school.

It soon contorted into an expression of pain. A shudder wracked through her body and Kyoya jumped and suddenly grabbed her hand. Kyoya didn't know why he grabbed her small hand, but he did. He took notice of how calloused her palm was, though her hand could barely be called average-sized. For a second the raven-haired boy half expected her to wake up and break his wrist. But she didn't, and Kyoya continued to hold the hand of Susan Crea on what could only be called instinct.

The bell rang and Haruhi tried to stop crying while Tamaki led her to the door. Tamaki knew that they shouldn't stay there. It would only make Susan angry. The two looked back at Kyoya who remained holding Susan's hand. He looked so angry but his face looked so helpless at the same time. Haruhi dragged Tamaki away, who was going to call after his best friend. Better to leave him there, Haruhi thought, he wouldn't be persuaded to leave if they tried. Nekozawa shrunk away and exited the room, leaving what he thought was two lovebirds alone.

Kyoya couldn't help feeling helpless. The calculating boy knew how to manipulate even the most ruthless businessman. He knew what to do in every situation, but he was drawing a blank at this one. First and foremost, he was pissed that Susan went out and got hurt again. He told her to be careful. Sure he didn't say those exact words, but the girl knew what he meant. But why did she mean so much to him? Why was he angry that her back was scarred from abuse?

The cold calculating boy could only figure that it was because his surefire chance to get his father's approval was riding on a girl who was always in danger of dying each time she went out. Or maybe it was because she was a liability to the Host club he had brought up from nothing. But Kyoya couldn't help the feeling that there was more to this, as he held her sweating hand. Why couldn't Susan be like other girls? Why couldn't she cry like Haruhi and that be the worst thing that happened? Why did she have to go and get hurt and bleed?

Kyoya grabbed a chair and sat down, still holding the young girl's hand. He tried not to think about why he stayed, or why he was even there in the first place. He thought of nothing and watched her expressions range from pain to fear to anger. To his surprise, the girl's face finally fitted into a peaceful half-smile, but a lone tear rolled down her bruised face. Kyoya wiped the liquid away and sighed.

"Tears are definitely better than blood," the raven-haired boy muttered to himself as he gazed at Susan's bloody blouse, questions that wouldn't be answered running through his mind.

* * *

_**I'm planning on slowing down Susan's life after the dance. We can totally have a cute dance scene. In addition, we're going to introduce Kasanoda soon. Probably after the dance. In addition, the death games are going to start soon. I don't actually want my OCs to die. Let's face it, I"m attached to them as much as you. The new chapter should be up either this Thursday or next weekend. Kyoya looks pissed. For those who want the star-crossed lovers deal with Kasanoda, I am going to give you more than that. But for those who want Kyoya to make Susan happy, he's going to have to work at it. This is going to s0 fun. On another note, I have mentioned that I love Liam Neesan. He's so cool. In addition, I'm depressed because Leonard Nimoy died. But life will go on. Just like this story. **_

_**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Love you guys) I do not own Ouran high school Host club. **_


	11. Crack-Pot Sayings

**Chapter Eleven: Crack-Pot Sayings**

* * *

"**It's not about the cards you're dealt, but how you play the hand."**

― **Randy Pausch, **_**The Last Lecture**_

**"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."**

**-Anonymous (Old Proverb)**

"**Life is like a game of poker; you have to play the hand you're dealt. A wise player can play a weak hand and win the game." **

**-Rick Warren**

* * *

When I woke up yesterday, I was in a familiar position. I was laying in the back of my car and Kou was crying over my sleeping body. I swear that he cries way too much, and if he is going to cry so much, he needs to drink more water. Last thing I want is for him to be dehydrated. He is too important in the house to pass out or injure himself. But he is also the most stubborn of all of us and he acts more doting than a new mother with me.

The whole gang didn't want to allow me to go to school. I could understand their concern. My stitches were still extremely new and my body was still black and blue. My face was actually half healed and only had yellow discoloration. I shouldn't be out. But I jumped out of the dining room window when no one was looking. Of course, the cousins found me down the street and are now fulfilling their jobs as my bodyguards.

"How can you ride that with the stitches?" Hana calls as she jogs behind me. I laugh at her pained expression as she runs in a red kimono. How she can run in them, I will never know.

"You need to run more often. It's good for your muscles and body in general," I call back.

Truth be told, it hurt to ride with stitches. Every time I kicked, the skin pulled in an awkward way. But since the way to school was a downhill slope, I was good for the journey there. Coming back, I hope that Fu and Kou aren't too pissed that they don't send the car. When I looked back for my bodyguards, I see that Hana had fallen too far behind. I stop and take out my iPod from my backpack.

"I really wish you wouldn't have gone to school. You need rest," Haru complains. His face said he was displeased but his eyes screamed happiness. For someone who follows my orders so well, he thinks it's awesome when I don't listen to my men. I snort at him in his matching yukata. Hana is breathing hard enough to pass out when she finally catches up to us.

"How about some nice music for our journey?" I ask. Hana rolls her eyes as I start the new playlist I created.

_"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, _  
_you could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in, _  
_and if you do not want to see me again, I would understand._  
_I would understand" _

I jumped back on my board and sang with the song. I remember when I would sing this song out with the rest of my Vario Crew. It was hilarious to hear all their accents. Some would show off and sing in Italian. I would just sing and bask in the presence of family. My memories are interrupt when Haru is suddenly next to me and running faster, Hana chasing after him. I laugh as I watch her trying to get him to dance at the same they run. I laugh then sing louder.

_"We can put the past away,_  
_I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,_  
_You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,_  
_And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,_  
_I would understand,_  
_I would understand..._  
_Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, _  
_I would understand"_

As the song ends, we get to the gates of Ouran. I look at the building and wonder once again how they got it so pink. I guess, money can really buy anything. The cousins are in front of me and I barely stop in time. I look around them and see Kyoya waiting a little bit across from us. I don't know why they're acting like they've never seen him before. He doesn't even have bodyguards right now. Picking my board up, I squeeze past them.

"Thanks for not calling Fu and Kou on me," I tell the cousins. They don't even look at me, rather keep their eyes on Kyoya. "You guys go straight home, or I'll kill you."

The threat got their attention, and they look at me with wide eyes. Both of them nod their heads and then promptly give Kyoya a death glare. I sigh and turn to Kyoya. Kyoya looks a little off-put from me threatening my own men. I snort as his frightened expression turns to a frown when he sees my smiling face. Blushing brightly when he smiles at me, I turn to the school and start walking.

"We're going to be late," I mutter and feel my heart begin to race slightly. He isn't as bad as the other members of the brothel when he's scared, but my heart still has a flurry to it.

"Do you always threaten your men?" he asks, and I know he is wearing an arrogant smirk. I smile widely and turn to him with a slightly red face.

"Only when they need it," I reply. He pales slightly and I snort, both his fear and my nasally laughter being a normal thing in our conversations.

"When do they need it?" he questions and when I look into his eyes, I'm once again reminded that he's suspicious.

"Don't," I say, angry that he can't just be a normal person for once. His eyes and aura are always like he's snooping in my business. It's like he's a spy and I can't trust him for a second.

"Don't what?" he asks, opening the door for me.

I slip inside and when I turn to him, I give him a sour look. His face no longer has that arrogant smirk, instead settling for a pursed lip frown. He looks away from me and I suddenly feel bad that we can't be friends. He seems like a nice person, well, that is if he wasn't so suspicious and arrogant. Actually, now that I think about it, he's an asshole. He pushes my buttons and I have to threaten him just to get him to shut up. Then his whole attitude can go from helpful, mildly caring person, to weasel faced liar in a second. But there's a part of me that wants to talk to him. When I close my eyes, my anxiety goes away. He makes my heart flutter in a way that I never felt before. I want to be his friend.

"Why do you have to be so damn suspicious?" I growl out when we're walking up the stairs. I'm pissed that Kyoya is a total suspicious ass.

"What did I do?" he mutters with a chuckle, but it doesn't sound too convincing.

I look at Kyoya then and he's frowning and looking at the floor. I watch him closely when we get to the top of the stairs. He looks forward and I watch as his eyes change slightly. He looks torn and worried. His mouth is in a thin line and his clenched jaw reveals that his worry is eating him up. I roll my lips and watch as he frowns more, his thoughts moving in a worse direction then before. I feel worried for him and my heart clenches oddly. I hear someone approaching and Kyoya catches me looking at him. I flinch and blush brightly at being caught.

"Susan-chan!" a very excited voice cries. In a second, I brace myself for Tamaki catching me in his arms. Instead Tamaki is in my face and I'm starting to sweat and my heart rings in my ears.

"Tamaki, you're too close," I say after I gulp.

Attempting not to break his head with my longboard, I watch the boy. His big blue eyes stare back into my green eyes and he slowly moves back. His eyes have this worried look and my heart is pained, not only with anxiety but happiness that he's worried about me. It's amazing how someone I've known for such a short time, cares about me. It's amazing that he is actually worried about me. I want them to be my friends.

"How did you get hurt?" the blond asks me with wide eyes.

He blinks, but kept them closed for a second longer than normal and when he opened them, they had changed. These eyes were scared, like he was looking at my stitches right now. He was afraid of how bad they looked. When I had changed the bandages this morning, they looked worse. But they had to look worse before they could look better. Before they could heal.

"I was too slow," I admitted to him. His face contorted into a confused smile, confused with my answer but happy that I didn't lie or avoid it.

"Too slow?" Kyoya asks in an amused tone.

"It was my mistake," I mutter when the bell rang. My heart was coming down when the other two turned and looked down the hall. "Hurry up, we're going to be late."

The boys looked back at me and I gave them a wide grin. I dropped my board to the floor and getting on, I passed them. Kicking, my stitches pulled at the skin. Smiling, but also cringing at the flaming pain, I raced down the hall. I could hear the boys yell after me to slow down, but I grinned and pushed harder. The classroom was full and when I burst in, Honda-sensei merely chuckled and asked me to take my seat.

I smiled at her and went to my seat in the back, placing my board and bag in their respective places. When I sat and the lecture began, the boys burst in, breathing hard. Kyoya gave a glare after Honda-sensei lectured them on being to class on time. Honda-sensei looked at me curiously when Tamaki stuck his tongue out at me from across the room. I merely blushed and rolled my eyes at the boy. The lecture began again, but I was zoning out. I have too much to think about anyway.

To begin with, I have to go thank Nekozawa. Yesterday, Fu and the twins followed him home. They had an audience with his father, and to my surprise the man agreed to supply us. The twins had said that Nekozawa's father was very suspicious at first, but his son convinced him. The twins said that he actually confronted his father in the middle of the meeting and told him that I was doing this to protect my family.

I'm glad that he stood up to his father and that I'm able to supply my men by the end of this week. We'll be able to play in a death match next weekend. I'm going to have to prepare my men for that. Sendo-kai is probably going to want it in an arena setting. Plus, since I'm not going to them, they'll probably be here by Friday, which is also that stupid brothel's dance. I sigh audibly and focus on the rest of this period.

My mind begins to wander once again to how I'm going to have to set up the death match. When Pa had called last night, he said that the death matches in Japan were different. They were more staged than random games when you met on the street. I like the random ones; they're full of strategically placed men and spying. Staged matches are done in one go and I have to rely on my men more than usual. Plus there is the chance that the loser could break whatever treaty set up and kill everyone at the games.

Sendo-kai is probably thinking that they can't possibly lose. Because they got my supplies to a bare minimum, they think they have the upper hand. In reality, I have the upper hand with the ability to surprise them. But then again, they get to set up the games. But then again, I have more experience and I know my men better. But then again, they could just kill me when they come to my syndicate.

Running a hand through my loose hair, I try to finish the math problem in front of me. I can't afford to rethink everything. I have to go forward and pick my men tonight with the twins. Once I prepare for the games, and I will prepare for anything, I can't have these worries in my head too often. They'll cloud my mind. But what happens if my men aren't strong enough. Clenching my hand too much, I snap the pencil in my hand.

"_Damnit,_" I curse in familiar English under my breath. I can feel Kyoya's gaze on me from across the room and I promptly ignore it. I shift when I feel Tamaki's gaze on me next. The movement reminds me that I'm injured. I try to focus on my lesson and I get through to the last period before lunch before I begin thinking again.

I won't be able to fight in the match. I can't be a contestant. These damn, stupid-ass, freaking, whiny, uncomfortable, stitches won't allow me to be the best I could be. If I'm going in at only half strength, then I shouldn't go in at all. But if I don't play, then I have to find a replacement. I could have Kou do it, but he isn't ready yet. The twins can't because they're my seconds. Cousins are my bodyguards, and Fu has to watch them.

That means that I have to pick one of those that isn't as close to me. Maybe that's better. If they die, I didn't know them too well. Wait! What the hell am I saying? I am not going to let them die! They will live! I will make them live. But. But. I sigh both internally and externally. I can't guarantee that.

If Sendo makes this an arena style match, I can't guarantee them their lives. I hate this. I hate being so worried and having to follow Sendo-kai's rules. But I couldn't help it. I killed their largest regiment, then I had to watch my men train, then I had to test them, then I had to bid time before I could send them to their uncertain deaths. This is the hand I was dealt. These are the cards that I have to play.

The bell rings and I close my book. Lunch is here and I have to find Nekozawa. I should thank him, he did save my men's lives. Tamaki and Kyoya come to me and I stand up. For a second my legs are stiff and when I stretch, my stitches pull uncomfortably.

"You shouldn't stress yourself too much. We don't want your stitches to pull again," Kyoya says in a cold voice. I roll my eyes at his darkened eyes. My heart starts to throb and my hands start to get hot.

"I have to go see Nekozawa. I'll catch you guys later," I tell the two boys.

"We can come with you," Tamaki says happily and put his arms around my shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

"Sorry."

"You aren't coming."

Tamaki opens his mouth to protest but I glare at him slightly. He closes his mouth and his blue eyes are worried. I turn to Kyoya and his dark suspicious look is finally gone. It's replace with a worried but small smile. I smile back at him while blushing. Moving around them, I head out of the classroom. Nekozawa is in the same class with Honey and Mori so I'll see them. It's a good thing they aren't as annoying as these guys. Walking down the hall, I pass a familiar feminine bodied brunette.

"Susan-senpai!" Haruhi yells from down the hall. I wave and my heart was only mildly pounding.

"Hey Haruhi," I say when she approaches. I remember that I should refer to her as a he, best not let her secret slip.

"I was just looking for you. How do you feel?" she asks. My stomach is throbbing, but it doesn't feel too bad. It might be because my anxiety is what is taking my attention right now. Sweating hands are what I'm enduring at the moment.

"I'm doing pretty well. Kou wanted me to stay home, but he made me rub My-o-flex or some Neosporin thingy on my stitches so they don't feel as bad as yesterday. Plus I kinda jumped out of the window and he couldn't catch me on my board. But my stitches haven't been bothering me so I didn't want to stay home," I start blabbing. She still makes me nervous, but I like this nervous. It doesn't feel to like a bad nervous. Then I realized she said she was looking for me. "You were looking for me?"

"Yah," she replies and then looks at me with a wide and relieved smile. "I wanted to know if you were okay. Then I needed to ask you if you could help me with something."

"What you need?" I ask, a little suspicious but extremely happy. She trusts me enough to ask me for help. She actually trusts me!

"You're in advanced trigonometry, aren't you?" she asks me. I give her a quizzical look.

"Yes. It's the same math Kyoya takes. I had almost finished it in New York, but it never hurts to retake a course," I ramble. "Why are you wondering?"

"I need some help with my Algebra 2 coursework. I had asked Kyoya-senpai for some help, but he isn't a very good teacher. He actually understands it but he can't explain how he knows what step comes next. I was wondering if you could tutor me," she says, and blushes slightly. I smile at her and blush myself.

"I would be happy to help you. I used to help some of the younger members with their homework too," I reply. In New York, even though I ran the crew, some of the members came to me with simple non-violent problems. Like the handful of kids who were a year younger than me that needed help with Geometry. I used to hold group lessons.

"Great. Could we work on some stuff today? We could go to the library after club activities, or you could come to club," Haruhi suggests. I contort my face into a worried frown.

"I don't want to go to the brothel you guys run. I have homework I can work on, heaven knows I miss so many days. But instead of the library, I'll come pick you up and we can study in one of my hideouts," I tell her with an excited grin.

It's a good thing that I found that abandoned classroom. We can study together, but not with others watching me. Surely with Haruhi's reputation as a hooker, being in public might be a problem. But I want to help her. That's what friends do, right? They help each other when they're in a pickle. Besides, I don't think I want to go home and be lectured by Kou on how I shouldn't move a muscle because I'm wounded. That and I can plan who I can put in the games in silence. It's perfect.

"Whatever you say Senpai, I just want to study before the test next week," Haruhi replies with an excited smile of her own.

"Alright then," I say and begin my path towards my destination, "I'll see you after you're done with club."

"See you Susan-senpai," she calls out as I turn down a hall.

My heart is beating hard, but in excitement. I don't feel as anxious with the brothel as when I first met them. That feels amazing. I think I'm really becoming their close friend. Turning down another hall, I begin to feel worried because I have to talk to Nekozawa. I want to thank him for supporting me and my gang, but I'm also a little embarrassed that he had to help me. I mean, I was in a bra, and he did see my scars. It's amazing that he didn't tell anyone else. But Kou never said anyone was in the room with me, so he must have left.

"Susan-chan!" a childish voice yells at me from behind. I turn to find Honey running towards me and I put my hands out in attempt to stop him. He doesn't jump on me like yesterday, but when he gets to me gingerly hugs me. I look at the boy and discern a sniffle or two. Looking at Mori, he gives me a somewhat stoic glance but his eyes are somehow twinkling.

"Hey guys. Honey are you okay?" I ask the small older boy. He is starting to shake slightly and because of how close he is, I'm beginning to grow anxious and choke on air.

"How can you ask me that? I thought you were hurt! I didn't know if you would be okay!" Honey sobs into my stomach. Surprisingly, he wasn't squeezing me too hard and my stitches weren't throbbing. Instead he held me so softly, I wondered if the boy was really older than me.

"_To never grow up, must be an amazing thing,_" I murmur in English when I bent down to hug him back. I say in calm and soothing voice, "it's okay Honey. I'm fine. They don't hurt that much anymore. I've had stitches before too, so I'm used to them. But I'll be fine. I promise."

"Are you sure?" he asks when he pulls away from me slightly.

"Yes, I'm sure," I reassure him. He pulls away and when I look at Mori he gives me a slight smile. It's surprising that I was holding these two at gun point earlier in the month.

"Why are you here?" Mori asks, while Honey sniffles and recovers.

I look around and notice we attracted a small audience. Feeling my face, I know I begin to pale and my voice is caught in my chest. Mori then shields me from the wandering eyes and I close my own. If I count to ten, I'll calm down. I begin to count and can still feel the eyes on me. But by the time I reach five, the feeling floats away. When I'm done, I open my eyes and find that the two cousins are shielding me and giving slightly dirty looks at the onlookers. I smile to myself.

"I have to talk to Nekozawa, he helped me wrap my wound yesterday," I tell them when everyone leaves. Suddenly I notice a ball of black fabric watching me from down the hall. I look into the person's eyes and notice they're a beautiful blue shade.

"He's over there," Mori mutters, but I'm already moving towards the person I should thank. When I get closer, I notice that he is wearing a black cloak and wig, clutching the cat hand-puppet to his body. I begin to feel nervous, but it appears like I'm not the only one.

"I already got my father to help you. I can't help you anymore," he tells me with a squeal. I sigh and wring my hands.

"Let's talk in private. And no I'm not going to hurt you," I say when he doesn't move into the empty classroom. When we enter his empty classroom, he watches me from a good ten feet away.

"What do you want?" he ventures carefully. I look into his blue eyes and notice fear.

"I want to—to thank you," I say and then blush brightly. I don't want to turn into gangster mode but at the same time, I don't want my anxiety to overcome me.

"For what?" he asks with a confused look in the shadow of the cowl of his cloak.

"You wrapped me; you convinced your father to supply my gang; you listened to me. Thank you for that," I say quickly, looking down immediately after.

"You are actually thanking me?" he sneers and I don't know why he's so angry all of a sudden.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?" I ask with surprise in my tone.

"You're part of the yakuza. Those men you sent were actually criminals. I didn't notice it until I saw your neck right now. Yesterday, I couldn't focus because of your back," he almost screams. I flinch with his angry tone. "I thought you just needed help with your family. My father told me to not vouch for you but I didn't listen. I thought you were good."

"I am good," I say angrily, lifting my head. Who is he to tell me I'm not good? "I need the supplies to protect my gang, my family. They aren't just criminals, they're people. Humans. Just like you and me."

"Yes, but," he says with less anger and more confusion in his tone.

"Don't but me. You saw my back, you know that I haven't always had it good. You damn rich people think of gangs all the same: they're illegal, they're filled with nothing but criminals, they're nothing but lazy people who just want to make a quick buck. But it's not like that. If I hadn't found my gang, I would be dead. My scars prove that!"

"I'm sorry. I never realized," he says sympathetically. I give him a glare.

"You don't realize. You rich bastards judge first then figure it out second. And I forgive you, just think before you begin to degrade someone," I tell him with a huff. So much for not going into gangster mode. I'm already through with half of the transformation.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry already!"

"Sor—I mean okay."

"That's better."

"So, will you be okay. With your stitches and stuff?" he asks gesturing with the hand puppet to my stomach. I blush slightly, coming down from my anger.

"Yes. Will your hand be alright?" I ask, remembering his allergic reaction.

"Yah, I just left it out in the sun when I fell asleep in class," he chuckles slightly, all his fear dissipated. I giggle at his clumsiness when the bell rings. "I'll see you I guess. And thank you again, I really mean it."

"I'm sorry for what I said. I really mean it."

"It's okay. We're all dealt a different hand. You have to make the most of what you're holding," I say solemnly as I walk out of the room.

* * *

I look at the time on my phone and see it's time for me to pick up Haruhi. I've been sitting in my secret abandoned classroom and have now figured out who should go where in the games. I made a list and everything. It's actually quite amazing.

The whole plan includes diagrams and tree diagrams and a backup plan and an extra backup plan and an emergency plan. This plan will help with my anxiety about going into the games as the player and not the maker. My anxiety is already eating at me. I have to find a way to stop it, though I suspect it won't end until I meet with those people.

I change into a black hoodie and put my cardigan into my backpack. It was more comfortable. I pulled my hood on and put my board against a wall. Leaving my bag—but not my five page plan that goes in my skirt pocket—I get up and exit the room.

Before I proceed into the halls, I listen to see if anyone else is out there. The last thing that I want is for someone to find my secret hideout. I'm trusting Haruhi only because she asked me to tutor her. She's trusting me enough to ask for my help. Well, I guess for a normal person that might be regular, but for me it's a big thing.

There's no sound and I begin to walk down the hall. The brothel isn't far away, and the halls are surprisingly quiet. It's like these damn rich people leave after class instead of staying for club activities. When I turn down the hall to music room three, I begin to hear it. The voices of fangirls. My eyes turn wide and I hide behind the end of the hall, far away enough that none of the brothel would find me.

The noise grows in volume and I see them. The clientele. Dozens of them flood out of the room. All of them thin and pretty and absolutely insane. These girls have way too much time on their hands. The girls all go down the opposite hall, but one starts my way. I gulp and try to calm my beating heart.

"Oh my gosh, wasn't Tamaki great today?" a girl with brown hair says to her black haired friend. They're pretty, but the way their eyes shine with excitement borders too much on insanity.

"Was he? I was too busy with Mori and Honey," she says, love oozing in her tone.

Another girl came up to them, but she's different. Her face is haughty and she holds a small smile on her face. She's a platinum blond and definitely a foreigner. I look at her eyes and find they're crystal blue. Her petite body saunters and I'm struck with the thought that she could be a supermodel if she wanted.

"Well Kyoya was positively radiant today," she says her voice like bells.

An obnoxious feeling clenches my heart. I look down and try to discern the hot feeling that just entered my body. I don't know what it is, but I focus on the blond girl. She was with Kyoya? Of course she was. He's a hooker, of course he would have clients. He would have beautiful girls, because he is a handsome boy.

But I didn't expect a girl like her wanting to see him. Her rosy complexion and rosy lips are perfectly fitting for any rich aristocratic girl. Meanwhile, I shouldn't be here at all. I'm an outsider. She may be a foreigner but she fits the bill. I'm just, me. The feeling gnaws at my heart and I get the sudden urge to run away. That or just take Harry off my thigh and shoot the girl.

"Oh, who do we have here?" a voice caws. It sounds like the voice of the first girl and when I look up from the floor, I find her staring at me with a smug smile. Her raven-haired friend crosses her arms and the blond looks at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Uhm," I begin, but my anxiety silences me. My heart is erratic and my throat is closing. Maybe I should just take Harry off of my thigh and wave him around a bit.

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" the middle girl asks sweetly, but she lets out a giggle like I'm some amusing display.

"I believe she's too slow to actually understand us. It's a real shame they let scum like her in," the blond says bluntly with a sharp edge to her voice. I flinch and try to breathe. My chest keeps rising and falling but no oxygen gets to my lungs.

"Please," I beg pathetically.

They look at me and they all laugh, their yellow dresses swaying with the motion. I'm so different from them. I'm like the night and they're like the day. The blond might as well be the sun itself with all her beauty. I'm nothing compared to them. I close my eyes and will them to go away. I should just go into gangster mode, but I don't think I can make the change. I'm wheezing with the precursor to a panic attack.

"Look at her."

"She's afraid!"

"So much for a gangster. I bet she couldn't even throw a punch."

"How pathetic. She's probably the whore of some gangster."

"Not with those bruises! Not unless she gets it from her pimp."

"Maybe we should just," a voice says then an arm pushes me against the wall.

I bang against the wall and my stitches get some impact. They begin to throb. Another hand pushed me against the wall for a second time. I have to fight back. I'm a killer for goodness sakes. I can take care of some stupid prep girls.

Then why can't I move my feet? Why can't I move? Why am I so pathetic that I let them do this to me? The panic attack starts and my palms begin to sweat profusely. This isn't real anymore. This is a dream. Yah, that's it. My head is dizzy because the dream is going to change.

"Hey! Hey! Leave her alone!" a very angry and intimidating voice screams. My stitches hurt. My head is dizzy. My life is a lie. This is a nightmare. I need to do something. Anything. Fight or flight, I have to do something.

"Hey, who the hell are—"

"I said get away from her!" the voice says and I flinch myself with the anger in the tone.

The voice is scary in my panicked state. I hear footsteps to my right and somehow know the girls left-quickly. Hands lightly brush against me and my eyes burst open. What will I do? Fight of flight? My body is hot and I had the sudden urge to throw up.

The boy in front of me is someone I had never seen before. His blood-red hair is pulled half-back, but some hangs loose and is as long as mine. His face is scary, but I could tell he tried to make it appear non-violent. I looked into his light brown eyes when they widened and I grew afraid again.

"Are you okay?" he asks gruffly.

"Bye," I say. My fear has finally manifested in flight.

I push the boy and the motion hurts my stomach, but my fear masks it. Getting up quickly, I run down the hall to my safe room. I want to be alone. This isn't real. If I get to the room, the dream will fade away. I need to get to my room. There's a sound behind me and it sounds like footsteps.

"Hey! Where are you going?" the boy asks me with an angry tone.

I'm not scared of him though, I just want to be alone. Maybe the darkness will help. I turn down the hall and feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm just so hot and I just can't breathe. The room with the ribbon around the golden knob appears in my vision. Running faster, my legs go carry me to my destination and I crash into the door. Opening it and going in, I leave it open of the redhead boy.

I run to the corner of my dusty room when I hear the door close. The redhead boy stands at the door as I sit and ball myself up. Pulling my knees into my chest, I put my head down. It's alright. I'm alright. The dream is going to end. It no longer feels that bad. I still can't breathe but it isn't so bad. Hands are on my arms and I choke.

"Hey, are you alright?" The voice is trying to be soothing. The hands rub up and down my arms. I relish in the contact for a second before I forget everything and just breathe.

"One," I say into my knees. My body is so hot and I just can't breathe. "Two."

"Three," the other voice says. Tears are in my eyes. I take a deep breath. It's easier than before.

"Four. Five." I try to take a breath and I choke on the next number.

"Six. You can do it," the voice says and the hands move to wrap around my shoulder.

The boy sits next to me and I lean into the body. His body supports me and I feel better. It's like I'm not alone anymore. The dream is fading away. My head is no longer spinning. If I open my eyes into the darkness of knees the have tears in them.

"Seven. Eight. Nine."

I concentrate on the boy's breathing. It's steady and strong. I make my breathing equal the boy's. He seems strong and I need him right now. I stop some shaking that I didn't even know I started. My blood is no longer boiling, but it's just blood. My cheeks are wet with tears of pain. My stitches hurt a lot. They feel like they pulled.

"Kou is going to kill me," I mutter into my knees when I'm finally able to speak.

"You didn't finish," the boy says. I lift my face and stretch my legs. I'm so tired. The panic attack is over and I can breathe and talk, but I'm hurting and I'm tired.

"What?" I ask then wipe my wet cheeks with my sleeve.

"You didn't say ten. You should finish," he says, his voice taking on an irked tone.

"I'm sorry," I mutter and then look at him and say, "ten."

"Are you going to tell me what just happened?" he asked, his tone and face annoyed. I frown and try to stand. My legs feel like a baby deer's. Ignoring the redhead, I go to my backpack. My phone is out, and I'm calling Kou.

"Heeeeyyyyaaaa," comes Hana's voice. I frown deeply because Kou didn't answer his phone. He must still be angry at me.

"I need you to come get me now. I had an attack." My voice is calm but it has a sense of urgency behind it.

"What?" Kou screams on the other side when Hana relays the message. There is static on the other side and then Kou yells, "I knew you shouldn't have gone out. But nooooo, you had to jump out the window. I told you not to go! I don't want you to get hurt! But you're so damn stubborn, you never listen. You think that I don't know how to take care of you. Or you just hate me and think I'm stupid. I'm not stupid Susan-sama. I know when you're hurt and when you should be in bed! Like right now."

"Please stop," I beg into the phone. I'm broken and tired. I just want to go home. Kou's voice immediately stops the angry lecture. There's breathing on the other side of the line. I can feel eyes on me and I look to the boy in the room. He hasn't moved from his place at my corner.

"I'm coming to get you. Can you make it to the front?" he asks. I can feel my body grow heavier and I go back to my corner with the boy.

"I don't think so," I mutter truthfully. Kou grunts and I discern a car starting.

"I'll be there in a bit. I'll ping your phone and track you like that. Stay where you are."

"Okay."

"And Susan-sama," he says. I stay quiet and he continues after a sigh, "I'm sorry. I just worry about you."

"I know. I worry about you too," I reply and feel a faint smile come to my face. The phone clicks off a second later. I'm left with only the sounds of strong breathing; some of it from the boy next to me, some of it mine.

"So it was a panic attack?" the red-head asks. I nod. My eyes feel heavy, but I'm not tired yet. I should be on guard because I'm with a stranger but he doesn't seem bad. Actually I think he's pretty nice.

"Thank you for saving me. Normally I'm the one saving people. Guess that today's just an off day," I say in a whimsical voice. I'm so tired and this guy seems nice enough.

"I highly doubt that you can save people," the boy snorts. His face is happy and his light brown eyes are crunched up in a large grin. He reminds me of someone, but I can't quite place it. I exchange a scowl for his happy expression.

"I'm not lying. **You** don't seem like a person who saves others. Some might say you're even scary," I snort at him. The boy scowls and his face turns into a typical gangster angry face. Maybe he can get even worse, but I've dealt with faces like his my whole life. When I want to, I look pretty scary myself.

"Some people? Are you not scared of me?" he asks with a curious look. I laugh in his face and fix my bangs. They're getting too long. My hair is actually growing out to the point it hides my tattoo if I leave it down.

"Of course not. You're not **that** bad," I tell him. He frowns but it changes into a happy half-smile a second later.

"You're the first person not scared of me," he tells me.

He looks away but his face is content. His hair is so red and on impulse I reach out and grab a strand. It's surprisingly soft and I feel like I've seen the color before. When the boy feels me touch him, he jumps and shifts away. I'm embarrassed and blush while looking away. He seems to be embarrassed and blushed brightly himself. He sits away from me and stares in disbelief at my actions.

"Sorry. I was curious," I mutter. For a long moment there is only my frantic blushing, his red face, and silence.

"_Curiosity killed the cat,"_ the boy says in awkward English. He looks at me with an annoyed glance but he continues to blush. Tilting my head, I try to remember the rest of the saying. I remember Pa saying that wasn't the end of the saying.

"_Curiosity may have killed the cat,_" I remember, "but satisfaction brought it back."

"What kind of crack-pot saying is that?" the boy asks. I laugh at his confused face and pull my legs into my chest once again. My stitches are throbbing and I can feel them slightly wet. They need to be cleaned. They pulled again. I know Kou is going to be here soon. I'm glad. I'm tired.

"It was just something my _Pa_ used to say. It was his favorite saying," I tell him. I don't know why I'm telling this boy so much about me. Maybe it's because I'm tired and my stitches are masking my mind, clouding my decisions.

"What's your favorite saying?" the boy asks, curiosity now in his voice. I look at him and give him a wide grin.

"It's the best thing since sliced bread," I laugh out. It was the saying I learned when I first got to Pa's house after being in jail. He used the saying so often that when I said it in front of my classmates, they looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think other people use it too often.

"You're weird," he tells me with a chuckle. I smile and yawn at the same time.

"Says the boy who hasn't even told me his name. Normally that's the first thing the prince does in the fairy-tales," I joke. It feels nice to talk to someone who isn't suspicious or really, really perky.

"Says the girl who tells me she is the knight in shining armor most of the time," he tells me with a huff.

I immediately feel suspicious. I spoke too soon. He doesn't want to tell me his name. Why? What's he hiding? Maybe I shouldn't tell him who I am. Even though he might know, but I have never seen him before. He must be younger than me.

"Susan."

"What?"

"My name is Susan."

I look at the boy and he looks torn. His face contorts into a worried expression and it looks pitiful. I immediately take my lip piercing into my mouth and roll my lips. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted him. He doesn't seem to trust me. I should be like him, wary of others, but I'm compromised. I should have just shot those dumb girls before the attack.

I hear voices outside the door and by the panicked yelling, I know its Kou. He's right on time. I'm too tired to actually care to stay awake. I stand on my shaking legs and grab my bag and board. The door suddenly opens and I'm met with Kou. The cousins stand outside of the door, looking down the hall and when the blue haired boy in a plain green yukata takes my things, I turn to the redhead one last time.

"See you _Charming_," I tell him with a smile which drained me of my last energy.

"What does that mean?" he asks with his annoyed face. I walk behind Kou to the door. Turning back, I give the boy a wide maniac smile.

"Read a fairy-tale and you'll get it."

* * *

**_Oh my god, my wifi went out when I typed this five hundred word extra stuff. So here I am, once again, doing this. I am happy to introduce a certain red-headed boy. I'm sorry to say that I did not give you the dance scene. I have that open right now. I'm sorry to disappoint but I want it to be really good. Kyoya is going to play a large part in the next chapter. For a the death games that Susan is going to be in, I'm going to have a surprise. It's not going to be too sad, but I have a plan. Next order of business, I just want to say that Susan is not going to know who Kasanoda really is. Kou and Susan never got a physical description of Kasanoda. The only ones who would know would be the cousins, but they didn't see him. So commence really cute friendship/relationship baiting. I'm actually looking forward to that. Next order of business. I want to get Susan to be a larger part in the Host club for major events. I have a way that I can do that, but it will be set up with the dance tomorrow. Also longest chappie to date. _**

**_My god, that was longer than the first one. Anyways, follow, fave, review, obsess. I love you guys and really appreciate the reviews. They really brighten my day. So thanks to everyone who has clicked on this story. It really means a lot. _**


	12. Damn, I look good

_**Chapter Twelve: Damn, I look good**_

* * *

"**The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."**

― **Elisabeth Kübler-Ross**

"**Nobody looks like what they really are on the inside. You don't. I don't. People are much more complicated than that. It's true of everybody."**

― **Neil Gaiman, **_**The Ocean at the End of the Lane**_

* * *

A phone call came on Friday at 7:00 o'clock in the morning. The first time it rang and buzzed on my nightstand, I let it go to voicemail without worrying. Kou hadn't let me out yesterday and I was too tired from my panic attack on Wednesday to go to school. The Sendo-kai members would most likely be here today and I thought of only training and twiddling my thumbs the entire day. But in my sleepy haze, I knew I should get up and prepare for Sendo-kai.

The second phone call came around ten minutes later. I listened to the buzzing and annoying pre-set ringtone scream at me. I covered my head with my pillow and groaned in anger. Who the hell is calling this early in the morning? Yes I am a gangster. No I am not one of those mobsters who go to seven o'clock mass after they sit at a diner before the sun is up.

The third phone call was a minute after the second and made me question my sanity. Maybe I was just hearing the annoying song because I was going insane from my anxiety. Grabbing my phone-the vibrating metallic bastard-I throw it across the room. This action does not silence the damn thing, but it brings another noise. That noise just so happens to be a groan from a very upset blue-haired teen.

"Who the hell is calling you this early?" Kou screams at me from the floor of my room. I think I hit him with the phone but I'm too tired to actually care. He unravels himself from his make-shift hamster bed and grabs my phone. He misses the call and I open my eyes to a slit. I can see the boy stand, shirtless, with pajama bottoms.

"Everyone is here and it's not my Pa. Therefore, they are of no importance and can be vanquished," I mutter and then attempt to stretch.

I swing my legs off the bed. I slept in only a spaghetti strap tank and spandex shorts. My hair is mussed up and my bangs are sticking in every direction. Gingerly lifting up my shirt, I check my stitches. They look so much better. They hadn't actually pulled when the girl hit me against the wall. The liquid was just some healing ooze that we took care of when I got home.

The wound now looks white at the point of contact. I'm glad that it's healing, and there is still pain but nothing I can't handle. Actually I'm not even that sore anymore. What's bothering me is the itching. I hate the itchy feeling I get from scabs and this itching is worse because they're with stitches. I just want to scratch them. Kou noticed this yesterday and put me mittens, duct taped to a long sleeve shirt I was wearing, over my hands.

"How do they look?" Kou asks as he comes to me, phone in hand. I pull my shirt away from the wound so he could see. "You'll probably get those stitches out in a couple of days. You heal relatively fast for someone who gets hurt so often. Maybe it's because Fu feeds you vitamins."

"That could be it. I'll be happy when I'm free of these stupid things," I say pouting. I look at the phone and ask Kou, "who called?"

"I don't know. It seemed li-" The damned phone interrupted his sentence. It's like an annoying person and it's starting to rile up my anxiety.

"Answer it," I tell Kou and then get up to get an outfit for the day

"Hello?" At first his voice is wary but it turns into annoyed and he continues. "What do you want? No, you woke her up. You're on your way? And you expect breakfast? Who the hell are you to order me around?"

"Who is it Kou?" I ask as I come back with my clothes in hand.

My outfit consists of jean shorts and black lace tights. Then I had a red muscle shirt with a skeleton on it. I would wear my combat boots for my switchblades but I didn't care if Sendo sees Harry and Sally on my thighs. I turn back to look at Kou closely. His face is angry and annoyed.

His body is pale and is free of any scars, unlike my own. His roots are black and we're going to have to dye his hair soon. I'm thinking of dyeing my tips red. Kou rolls his eyes and runs a hand through his mussed up hair. I raise my eyebrows and watch the boy as the person on the other side of the line obviously gives him an earful.

"So how many should we expect your highness?" he asks snarkily. I laugh at him as he puts his hand up and mimics a mouth. "When do you actually expect to be here? Well, make it a little later. Susan-sama is definitely not expecting you. She's in her underwear right now."

"Kou!" I squeal while Kou wags his eyebrows at me.

Whoever he's talking to, I know that I'm going to be embarrassed when they come. And by the conversation and Kou's tone, I have a hunch it might be the brothel. They know that tonight's the dance. And since we have no school-due to a teacher's conference-they're going to come and bother me all day. But they can't. Sendo-kai is most likely going to show up today.

"Well you can't stay too long. We're expecting guests. No. You're not worth the effort. Wait, what? A dance? You want Susan-sama to go to a dance?" Kou looks at me shocked and I turn away with a surprised expression. If that's Tamaki I'm going to kill him.

"Kou I was going to tell you," I try to cover. Kou's face is one raised eyebrow and the puckering of lips.

"Uhuh. Of course you were," he says sassily. I roll my eyes and steal the phone from his hand.

"Hello? Why are you ratting me out?" I ask peeved.

"Well if you had told your servant, this wouldn't have happened," a cold voice flows. Damnit it's Kyoya. Oh my god, they're coming. I have Sendo-kai coming today. Most likely. More like positively. I don't want these two to collide.

"I don't want to tell them because then they over-react. Plus they're not my servants. I hate that word," I mutter darkly to Kyoya. Kou has a grin from ear to ear and runs out the room and into the hall. I can hear him shouting for the others to wake up.

"Well what are they then?" Kyoya asks, amused with my pain.

"You know what I am. Figure it out. You aren't stupid," I hiss. Kou is now yelling how the 'sweet Susan-sama gets to go to a dance'. The boy emphasized the last word and dance sounds more like DAAAANNNCCCCCEEEEEE. I swore the cousins into secrecy and threatened them into silence, so they're the only ones who technically know.

"You are in a very bad mood aren't you?" he asks and I can feel the smile on his face. I smile myself, getting used to his teasing and prying manner.

"Well you woke me up. I didn't have a good night these past two nights. So, goes to say, I'm exhausted," I reply with a sigh.

I rub my eyes with my free hand. My face is no longer bruised but has dark bags under my eyes. For the past two nights, I've had nightmares. My anxiety normally turns into remembrance. Those memories turn into blood-curdling nightmares. As it was, Kou had been sleeping at my floor since my last panic attack because I would scream bloody murder in the middle of the night. I hate the nightmares, but at least I'm not alone.

"Why didn't you come to school and why haven't you been sleeping well? Are your stitches okay? If you need a doctor, I can call someone?" his voice is filled with concern and I'm hit with the realization that it isn't fake. He's actually really worried.

"I have a doctor. My stitches are only itchy. I haven't been sleeping well because of nightmares and I didn't go to school because of a panic attack."

"But you're okay, right?" Kyoya asks and it's so soft that I don't even think he knows he spoke the words out loud.

"Are all of you guys coming?" I try to change subject. There is silence on the other side of the line. "Kyoya?"

"Are you sure you're alright?" he hisses.

I flinch with his harsh tone. What should I do? Should I lie to him and tell him that I'm alright when my mind is so filled with anxiety it causes me to relive the worst days of my life? Or should I trust him and tell him that I need someone? I may confide in Kou for a lot of things, but I'm still boss of this yakuza. They can't know that I'm so nervous about everything. They aren't the right people to tell.

These problems are the problems that I bury inside myself in a small dusty box in the attic of my brain. But truth be told, I need to tell someone. The burden of holding everything in and acting like it doesn't bother me is eating me inside. Now it's been intensified because I do have people who want to help me now. I had gotten used to the idea that I would always be in pain but now I'm dying on the inside.

"I'm, well, I'm," I choke and try to decide. I can't trust him but I want him to tell me that everything will be okay.

"You can tell me," he says but the voice changed. I'm scared of this other Kyoya. The one that makes me want to cut his tongue out for being so dark and prying. This will never be the right Kyoya to tell.

"Can you do me a favor?" I ask, so quiet and scared because I'm going to try to let someone in.

"Of course," he says but he's unsure of the words. His voice is scared too. My heart lurches at his voice and I gain the courage to continue.

"Tell me that I'll be okay. Tell me that I'm doing the right thing today."

"Susan-chan, are you alright?" he sounds hysterical, like I'm in trouble or something. Maybe **this** is trouble.

"Tell me Kyoya. Please."

I'm begging him to just say simple words. I can't tell him what's wrong, but he can tell me that everything will work out. I don't want him to know that I kill people for a living. It's one thing to think I'm in a gang than to hear that your friend has killed multiple people in her lifetime. But I had to kill them; but they would never understand that I had to. This is how I can survive. This is the only way I want to survive.

"You're alright. You are making the right decision," he finally mutters in a whisper. I breathe in and can feel myself try to keep calm.

"Thank you," I whisper back. I look at the floor and try to picture his face. It's probably confused but he'll have a small and worried smile. I would blush and then look away, causing him to put that arrogant smirk on. Then I would threaten him and he would go white with fear while I laugh.

"What are you doing?" he asks, the silence stretching on a little too long.

"I'm picturing how you would look when you say that," I tell him with a snort.

"Why do you never laugh?" he asks with a snort of his own.

"I laugh," I say, with fake offense in my tone.

"I have never heard you really laugh. You snort, maybe chuckle slightly, but you never laugh in front of me," he argues.

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so suspicious," I tease, but there's truth behind my tone.

Kyoya is quiet for a little while and I think that I may have offended him. My heart beats loudly in my chest with each passing second. I hope he doesn't get angry at me. I was only kidding. Well, not really, but he doesn't know that.

"We're going to be there in fifteen minutes. We have to pick up Haruhi-chan," he says, the lighthearted tone in our conversation gone and replaced with annoyance.

"Alright. I'll have Fu start the breakfast then," I say, sadness apparent in my tone.

I can't trust Kyoya. But it's not because of me. It's because of him. There's a tense silence where I don't know why he just won't say goodbye. Maybe he already hung-up. I check and no, he's still on. What does he want then?

"Susan?" he asks and I notice he dropped the honorific for once—shit's going to go down. He starts again, his voice is full of malice, but something in his tone says he doesn't mean it. "I know you don't trust me and I know you would expect me to say that you can, but you can't. You see, we come from different worlds. You're a criminal and I'm not. I will always be suspicious of you and you should always be suspicious of me. Though I'm not the murderer in this situation."

I'm shocked. We just had such a touching moment and the asshole ruins it. I'm angry. I feel like when he told me I was bad for business in the limo. Why does he hurt me so much? If he wanted to hurt me, he would do it all the time. But he changes from regular Kyoya to dark evil Kyoya in a second. He isn't as bad as before. Even now he says it, but there is something that reveals he is regretting his choice. But that doesn't make it hurt less.

"Kyoya. You listen to me," I hiss with a dark and angry tone, "you will never tell me this ever again. I don't care if you think of me like that, but you will never tell me that ever again. I'm not the one who is causing problems. You are. You say these things but I know you're regretting it and hating yourself a moment later. Don't say things you don't mean."

I hang up after that. I want to get the last word in. That and I'm scared he'll tell me something else. I hate him. I give him the ability to build me up or break me down. I give it to him because I see something in him that I want. But I can't. He can't be allowed to do this to me. I can't trust him yet. I shelve this whole situation in a dusty file cabinet labeled 'things to never remember ever again'. But then again that never works. Just look a the nightmares.

"Kou!" I yell, walking into the hall. The young boy skips around the corner with bleary eyed cousins behind him.

"Why didn't you tell me about the dance?" he whines when he gets close to me. He then proceeds to lightly tap my head with a closed fist.

"Because I don't want you to overreact. You're going to make a big deal out of it. Besides I don't even know if I want to go," I pout back at him.

Haru is looking like he would rather be somewhere else at the moment. Hana-who's dressed similarly to me-is apparently dragging him with her and he looks slightly red in the face. I look at him and look at his neck. He is wearing black gym shorts and a v-necked white t-shirt. But those things aren't why he's so embarrassed. No, I think it might be the bruises which paint his skin. I would never see those when he wears his yukata.

The twins in koi fish robes, come up behind them and I tilt my head in curiosity as I watch Hideo take a look at Haru and turn away with a red face. Seems like there have been a lot of things that they haven't been telling me. Hana appears to be giving Aiko the cold shoulder and he just looks at his brother in astonishment. Kou comes next to me and looks at the others with me, only he seems to be confused to what I'm observing.

"So," I start and the four members in front of me stiffen. I smile a crooked smile and raise my eyebrow at each of them. They flinch and then turn similar shades of scarlet. I want to tease them but I know I shouldn't. "Kou did you tell them that the brothel is coming?"

"I told Fu that we had to make breakfast. He was already in the kitchen," he tells me and I see him finally understand what's going on with the four people in front of us. His eyes glitter and he turns to tease them but I pinch his arm. "Ow. Susan-sama, that isn't funny."

"It wasn't meant to be funny," I reply with a chiding look. I turn to the twins and cousins and they sigh in relief. I smile and decide to give into my more childish nature but not just yet. "We should get ready."

"Of course," Aiko says with a puff of his chest. He's trying to be tough and I watch Hana as she rolls her eyes. Haru and Hideo are still blushing and trying not to make eye contact. I smile as wide as the Cheshire cat.

"And please shower separately. I wouldn't want to have half of you sore, from, well, activities," I say innocently.

Wide eyes turn to me and they're so surprised I actually noticed and didn't scold them. I laugh as you can see them think so hard smoke could come out of their ears. I laugh louder and turn around, skipping away to my room. I grab my clothes and head to take my shower.

I don't know what Haru and Hideo are up to, but I have a pretty good hunch. The only thing that I could hope for was that they wouldn't break each other's hearts if it turns to something more. Hideo will feel the need to not love because of his sense of duty to me. Haru would probably try not to love. He doesn't seem like a person that really loves or lets anyone love him. But I hope they will be happy.

I get into the bathroom and start the shower. The temperature is burning, just how I like it. I get out of my pajamas and reach under the sink to get some peroxide. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stare. I look unbearably tired. The bags under my eyes attest to the nightmares overflowing into day. I grab the peroxide and pour it over my wound. It bubbles and I touch the area. The pain hurts just like in my dreams. They're so real, and I know if I was alone, I wouldn't be able to tell what was day and what was dream.

I step into the shower and wash my hair. It's beginning to get too long. It covers my tattoo completely and I don't like that. My tattoo lets the world know who I am and it makes my men happy. I don't want to hide who I am and I am the boss of Dojin-kai. In deep thought, I reach my hand around my back and feel my scars. They're raised after all this time. I hate them so much. Water from the shower mixes with tears and I finish.

It takes me about five minutes to put my towel around my head and dress. My shorts aren't too short on me but with the tights they're risqué. I'm surprised that my men haven't told me that I should dress better. Whatever, I kill people for a living, does it really matter what I look like? You'll only see me for a second before I blow your brains out.

I go to my room and along the way I can hear voices. Looks like the brothel is already here, and they sound like they're driving my men crazy. When I get to my room, I put my hair in a bun and then go to my closet. Taking Harry, Sally and my twin switchblades, I carry them to my bed. Going to my dresser I get two thigh holsters. My right leg goes on my now made bed and I put the thigh holster on.

"That's some heavy artillery," a cool voice says. I cringe and take Sally off the bed. Turning, I put in another magazine and hit the end with a click. She goes into the thigh holster and I give Kyoya a dirty look. He stares back at me with blank regard as he stands in his designer jeans and blue button down shirt that is tucked in neatly.

"I'm really not in the mood thanks to you, so I would leave me alone if I were you. Regardless, I don't want to talk to someone who insults me. I would rather you not turn into an ass when you're being so, so," I trail off and stare into this eyes.

The dark orbs are so much like the stormy seas. They're full of turmoil and his mouth is trembling ever so slightly with uncertainty. He says nothing and just adjusts his glasses. I shake my head and give him a sneer. Looking to the bed, I put my left leg up and secure my thigh holster to that one. Opening Harry, I roll him and see that he's totally full. Harry goes into my left thigh holster.

I don't know why he says the things that he says. But I know that I don't want him around if he's going to treat me like this. It would be better for me to leave him there and forget about him completely. I move and sit on my bed, opening one of my switchblades. I gaze at the blade as I feel Kyoya staring at me. the blade shines with hope and promise of another day but my mind is just so hardened by Kyoya's words that I hate myself and I hate him.

"Susan," Kyoya mutters. I have the realization that he's close enough to kill. Maybe I should just end this right here and now. I wouldn't hurt anymore. But that's not true, because there will be no one to save me. "Susan stop. You're hurting yourself. Susan!"

Kyoya's hands suddenly take mine in a cold embrace. The knife slips out of my hands and he places the switchblade on the bed next to me. My finger is bleeding and he takes a handkerchief out of his designer jeans. He takes his thumbs and holds my bleeding finger tightly. Realization that I was jamming my blade into my finger hits me and I'm embarassed. I try to yank my arm back but he just lets go with one hand and holds my arm in his clutches.

"You should let me go before I believe that you could for once be nice to me," I tell him with such a terribly pathetic tone that I swore I was crying, though I felt no tears on my cheeks. I hate him. I let him break me down so easily.

"I'm sorry about what I told you over the phone. It was my mistake and I was indeed an asshole," he tells me with a soothing voice. I look up into his face and find his face mere inches away from mine. My heart beats loudly in my chest. I can feel my face turn hot.

"Do you regret it?" I ask him quietly. His eyes turn wide and I can see him wondering.

"I just said sorry," he replies with a confused look.

"That doesn't mean you regret it. I know you did," I tell him. He looks so torn. I can only believe that there's an inner monologue he's having in his mind. His fingers clench to my body tighter and I can almost smell the fear running off of his body.

"I did. I regret it so much," he whispers.

He closes his eyes after he realizes he just admitted he regrets whatever plan he has in motion. With my right, non-bleeding hand, I reach up to his face. I trail my fingertips lightly across his cheek. His eyes thrust open and I startle at the movement. Keeping my hand to his cheek I smile. My heart is starting to flutter and he gives me a closed eye smile. There is a moment where I only have the beating of my heart, then I rip my hand back with the handkerchief.

"I'll replace your handkerchief, but as a precaution, I'll keep it," I tell him as I take my switchblades and put them into my combat boots, all the while holding the handkerchief on my thumb. I remember people wanting Pa's DNA for testing. They took mine in hopes of getting a warrant for it but I'm not technically his blood. So, it sucked for them.

"That's fine," he replies and I get up. When I move to leave the room, my heart still fluttering, I hear him ask once again, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"You told me I was," I say and we head to the dining room where voices are pouring out. There is a strange silence over us, but I'm happy. The voices get louder and soon after I'm mildly tackled by a small blond boy.

"Susan-chan, I missed you at school. I was worried again!" Honey yelled into my stomach.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't feel very well," I hug the small boy back. Even though I don't like touch people, I will always reassure Honey when he's like this.

"Do you feel better?" he asks and looks up with tears in his eyes.

"Yes," I reassure.

The boy gives me a slight squeeze and steps back. Then his eyes go wide when he sees my guns. I turn around the room and see the brothel slightly terrified at my weapons. Well, everyone but Haruhi and Kyoya who is silent at my back. Haruhi is coming to me with a worried expression. She's dressed in a frilly top and jeans. I look at her backpack in her hands.

"I'm sorry that you didn't feel well and I know it's the weekend, but can we study?" she asks. I hear groans come from the Hitachiin twins and Tamaki. I shoosh them and turn to her with a wide grin.

"Of course. Everyone, get some paper and pens, we're going to learn," I proclaim and clap my hands, my thumb slightly throbbing from being stabbed.

"I think that would be great," Kyoya mutters in my ear. I smile widely and feel my heart flutter in a unfamiliar way that has somehow been getting more and more familiar. I like the feeling though. It feels nice.

* * *

"Where are they?" I ask Kou as I stare at the clock which strikes five.

The brothel left about fifteen minutes ago to go get everything ready and Sendo-kai is yet to arrive. I'm still dressed in my outfit from earlier but with the dance at 6:00, I'm going to have to get ready soon. Well, Kou is going to make me start getting ready in fifteen minutes. If I had it my way, I wouldn't actually start until, like, never. Hah, Kou would never let me skip out on going to a dance.

"I don't know, but—" he starts as I wave him to stop.

"I know, I know. I'm going to have to get ready in a bit. Are you going to make me wear a dress?" I whine and then go to sit in my favorite chair. It is red with golden filigree patterned along its body.

"Of course you are! It's that, or I make you wear a formal kimono. We'll have it with—"

At this point, I'm not even paying attention to the boy. I don't want to listen to anything he has to say about the dance. I'm too busy thinking why Sendo-kai hasn't come. Are they waiting for me to leave? For the night to fall and them kill us in our sleep? Did Kasanoda tell them something and now they're teamed up against us? If those two joined forces, there is going to be so much bloodshed. I don't know if we could survive.

What if they are going to try to jump me on my way to school? But they were the ones who said they were going to come after us. Why have us prepared for them and then they attack us? It would be so predictable. Maybe they found out I got arms. We had them delivered yesterday while I was home. But the delivery was very covert and the delivery man himself wasn't suspicious. He even laughed at Kou's mittens on my hands to not scratch myself. Damn Kou.

"Susan-sama stop ignoring me!" Kou whines in a very high pitched voice.

I laugh at him and then look to the boy for the first time in forever. Then as the boy stuck his tongue out at me and made his cheeks wide as they could go, there was a knock on the door-the door that just so happened to be to my right and bolted shut. That was far too close for Kou's comfort and he tackled me to the floor just in case bullets flew through the walls. I didn't like being thrown to the ground and hitting myself on my right hip in a very uncomfortable fashion.

"Kou, I appreciate what you're doing, but I hardly think this is necessary. Why would they knock if they're going to shoot through the door?" I tell him in a soothing fashion.

He rolls off of me and then crawls to the door. I roll my eyes at the action. He's so dramatic and unlocks the deadbolt with a flourish. When he throws the door open, I still clutch Harry just in case. But I'm surprised to see the twins, both of whom are holding a bag each. Hideo is holding a large garment bag while his brother is holding what appears to be a bag with shoes and accessories.

"What did you send them for?" I ask Kou with a raised brow. I go back to my favorite chair and spread myself across it, watching my men curiously.

"They wanted to get you a nice dress. So they went to those nice ladies who are renting our space, and they got you a new dress!" he exclaims as he opens the bags.

Hideo's bag reveals a long sleeve, knee length, white dress. But it isn't just white, no it's lace and it's girly and I don't think I want to wear formal shoes with it. Aiko opens his bag and I find new thigh holsters, a pair of diamond earrings with a matching dew drop crystal necklace. Then the box which I was dreading holds a bad dream but it isn't that bad. The box holds heels but they're more like booties, black suede heeled booties, with a good chunk heel so I can still run and kick if I wanted to.

"Yes, they were very nice at the store," Aiko proclaims with a wide smile. I don't think he gets to go shopping all that often.

"They would have given us the dress for free but I told them that what's fair is fair. But the somehow did give us a discount on it," Hideo mutters in a conspiratorial whisper to me. I nod and smile thanks at him. Those poor ladies would be poor if I kept taking free stuff.

"Well, at least you bought some stuff," I shrug but give them a wide glad smile.

"They bought you shoes too, though I wouldn't say they are the best fit for this dress," Kou muses as he looks from shoes to dress.

I have to admit that I do like the dress. It is lace all the way through and I can tell it will hug my body in the right places, being close to skin tight. The thigh holsters are smaller than the ones I'm wearing and will be more concealed underneath the dress than normal.

"Well, I'm going to have to dress," I mutter as I look at the time. I dozed off for a very long time and Kou must have been talking for even longer. The dance is only thirty minutes away and there is no doubt in my mind that Kou will want to curl my hair.

I escape the room to wash my face and disarm myself. When I get to the bathroom, I wash my face, very messily I might add, and then stare as the water drips down my face. My face is for once free of any discoloration from bruises or cuts. My bangs stick to my forehead and I notice they're way too long. Opening the drawer to my right, I take out a pair of scissors. They look a little duller than I'm used to, so I take out my switchblade from the inside of my combat boot. I grab a piece of hair and open up the knife.

I hold my head to have tension and begin to chop at the bang. The hair falls into the sink and I start the water once again. I take the rest of my hair and make it straight as I possibly can. It works pretty well and I can now see my green eyes without the fringe obstructing my view. My skin has gotten a little bit paler since coming here and you can see a faint scar running at the beginning of my hairline. It's so small you think it's a shadow.

I miss my home. These scars tell the story of who I am, and they all point to a land across the sea with my Vario Crew and father and stupid Vito and everyone else. But I'm somewhat content know that I can't go back. It would be terrible to leave these guys here alone, but if I could go back, I actually might. But they try so hard and I love them for that. For who they are and who I have, I wouldn't leave them for the world.

I leave the bathroom, stripping my weapons as I go along. When I get to my room, I find Kou laying on my bed looking at hairstyle magazines.

"I think I'm going to curl your hair and pull some of it back," he tells me with an excited smile. He jumps off the bed and moves me to the chair at my makeup stand. "Now, I'm just warning you, but I've never curled hair before."

"You, wait-what?" I almost scream. Moving to run away from the boy with a hot curling iron in his hand, he pushes me back down into the chair. He's never used a curling iron before? Why am I going to trust him with a hot roller in close proximity to my face? I trust him with a lot of things but maybe not this.

"I saw all the videos on YouTube. I saw the ones with the boyfriends doing the girl's makeup, though those weren't helpful and most were in English. Then I saw the professional hairstylists, they were pretty awesome. I can do a smoky eye on you too," he says whimsically. I turn my head to face him.

"Did you see the one with the girl who fried her hair off?" I ask with a fearful glance at the curling iron.

"Yes, yes," he muses and turns my face forward. I feel his hands go through my hair. I can feel him twirling and twirling and hairspray appears out of nowhere and bombards my face.

"That's a lot of hairspray," I murmur as more ringlets are produced with what I would think was a full can of hairspray. When Kou finishes fifteen minutes later I have a head full of black curls with slight blond. The curls go to my ear and Kou pinned it back to show my many piercings. I turn my head to the side and find my daimon in clear view for everyone to see. I smile and look at Kou in the large mirror.

"You want to have makeup?" he asks but I can tell he's just in awe of my hair being curled.

"Naw, but I should get dressed. We're late," I tell him as I get up.

Kou goes across the room and I take off my shirt and stand in my bra when he comes back. Neither of us feel awkward about seeing each other half naked anymore. He takes the dress out with the shoes and thigh holsters. He leaves the room and I dress, leaving the tights on. I put the thigh holsters on and realize they're for both the guns and my knives. I load them up and then put my heels on to find that I'm awesome.

In the full length mirror, I am a long legged beauty with perfect hair and doe like green eyes. My piercings make me look hard but the lace makes me look soft and delicate. You can see the bulges from my weapons give an aura of mystery and I smile widely at myself, noticing for the first time that I have blinding white teeth. My snake bites accentuated my fuller lips and my skin tone blended in with my raven hair. I was shocked.

"Damn. I look good," I breathe out and then grab my longboard against the wall.

I leave the house only to have my men wish me a good time at the dance. They all stare with wide mouths. I ride to school with the cousins running after me and I only wince slightly with my itchy stitches. The thoughts of where Sendo-kai might be fall into the back of my mind. My consciousness is instead focused on happiness about how I will appear to everyone at the dance. And my mind constantly wonders how I will look to a certain raven-haired, glasses wearing, asshole of a boy.

* * *

**_Hey everybody! I know it's been a while and I'm sorry. I just recently added another major to my plate and now have to deal with two majors and a minor. It doesn't help that I want to stay on track and graduate in four years instead of the regular five to six. So yah, I'm sorry. That and I work to pay for my gas and that takes up so much time. But alas, I only have another month of classes and then I'll only be working my twenty hours and I can write while at work, so yay! I lied to you again and I'm sorry-again. I said I would have the dance scene in this chapter but I thought it would suck if I started it and then left it on a cliffhanger. I mean, what if it takes me the month to get back to you guys? That would be so mean. So instead the next chapter will be dedicated to the dance and I have a plan on how I can get Susan to be set up to go to the beach and the water-park and all those episodes. Also that you to 2lazy2login. I wanted the story to have people having ship wars/armadas of their own. So I am going to be so mean and make any relationship really possible. But who will win Susan's heart? Kyoya who has ulterior motives? Ritsu, the star-crossed lover who comes to Susan in a time of need? Or possibly the cross-dressing best friend of Haruhi who is her rock of sorts? Who will it be?_**

**_As always, review, follow, fave, obsess. (Love you guys!)_**


	13. Names are Important

**Chapter Thirteen: Names are Important**

* * *

"**Jason scratched his head. "You named him Festus? You know that in Latin, 'festus' means 'happy'? You want us to ride off to save the world on Happy the Dragon?" **

**-Rick Riordan, **_**The Lost Hero**_

**What's in a name? That which we call a rose**

**By any other name would smell as sweet.**

**~William Shakespeare, **_**Romeo and Juliet**_

**Tigers die and leave their skins; people die and leave their names. **

**~Japanese Proverb**

* * *

Well, I am really wondering if I put any thought into this decision. I mean, why would I subject myself to a crowded party with girls who are probably going to maul me if I get near the only people know? I really don't think I considered all this before. At the moment, I now realize that it will be horrible. But maybe I can handle it, (maybe is used very loosely). I just don't think of these anxiety stressed situations at all. No, I just jump in and go for it. Now I'm going to die.

"May I take your board?" a butler person asks me, breaking my silence. He is the normal Japanese butler equipped in a black tux. He looks at me with an angry frown and I could feel myself shrink in his presence.

"Thank you," I mutter out and give him my longboard.

His eyes widen with my response and I hurry into the large ballroom. The ballroom was near the west wing and overlooked the clock tower from the second floor. When I enter the large doors I can feel my heart beat faster and faster. The ballroom has white marble floors and royal purple curtains that go from the floor to the ceiling, twenty feet high. Girls are scattered around a table on the side and all along the dance-floor.

I walk slowly, fingering my concealed weapons for strength, and make my way to the table. My eyes scan the room for the brothel, but they're nowhere to be found. Instead I actually see some other boys dancing with some of the girls on the dance-floor. I thought this was supposed to be for the crazy fangirls. Looking back to where I'm walking, I nearly crash into a girl, but stealthily avoid her. Going around, I catch a glance of red fabric and put my head down swiftly.

Reaching the table-now empty of girls because they are doing the thing where they stand a little farther from me and watch me like birds of prey-I find hors d'oeuvres. There are small cucumber sandwiches and pieces of sushi. Drinks are placed precisely in the right spots containing what I hope wasn't champagne but golden apple cider. At the other end of the table—which I had to hold myself back for—was soba chilled in little cucumber cups and fancy tuna on a plate. I grabbed two of each on a plate designed like a white rose made of porcelain.

"Look at her, acts like she's never eaten."

"But that's not true, she's fat as anything."

"That dress! It's so short!"

Whispers about me floated around the table, so I grabbed a flute glass with a shaking hand and promptly ran away. In the time that I was looking at the table, purple suede couches appeared in between the curtains which were now pulled back and revealed the large windows. Quickly walking to the farthest couch I also noticed bouquets of red roses on marble roman columns. Where the hell do they get all the money for this?

I go to my couch and place my glass on the floor next to me. My heart is beating non-stop and I was hoping that I could leave after I say hi and eat some more. I eat with sweaty palms and watch the girls who look at me from across the room and then giggle. Gathering my strength, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and when I open them, give them the dirtiest look I can manage with civilians.

It's my turn to giggle after they scream and run to other girls and begin to cry. I grab my flute glass when I hear someone come up behind me. My heart starts to begin pounding and I watch the girls get more hysterical as I stare at them. Snorting, I feel the other person come up right being me. I finger Sally with my left hand and wait for them to say something.

"You aren't very nice are you?" a cool voice says and I relax. Kyoya comes around and sits next to me. He wears a black coat and navy blue vest above a purple tie and white shirt. His long legs stretch out in black slacks and black dress shoes. Popping a fancy tuna piece into my mouth, I shake my head and smile. He chuckles and I can feel the laser beam eyes focused on me; those fangirls are really persistent.

"Why are there other boys here?" I ask Kyoya as he looks to the crying girls.

"We thought it would be better for you. A chance for you to dance with people you don't know. Also to keep us from getting extremely tired," he says and then looks to me.

Just who are 'we' in that sentence? I look to Kyoya but his face shuts down any prospect of learning the answer. He's just joking. Raising my eyebrows in understanding, I look to the other boys. I don't recognize any of them, but they might be older or younger than me. When I turn back to Kyoya I find him smiling and looking at my dress. He smiles wider and I blush and look away.

"Who are the boys?" I ask in a breathy voice. I'm getting nervous with Kyoya looking at me like that.

"Some of our relatives, we didn't want outsiders," he replies and when I look to him, he has slight pink cheeks. I can feel the fangirls getting anxious and I smile to the floor. I'm going to have to let him do his job. He can't babysit me all night.

"You should get going," I tell him, looking out towards the dance floor. "The girls are starting to get anxious that you aren't gracing them with your presence."

"Would you like to dance?" he asks me quickly and I jerk my head to look at him. He has an arrogant smile on his face but there is a hint of red on the tips of his ears and on the side of his cheeks. I bite my lip and play with my piercing. His eyes are pleading and wide, hoping that I will say yes. I look away guiltily.

"No. I'm gonna go get some more of those little sandwiches. Maybe later," I wave him off with sweaty palms. I don't want to dance with him right now. Actually I wouldn't mind dancing with him, but I want it to be in a private party for two. Now that I remember, I only danced once in every dance except one where I danced with my Pa twice. I don't think I danced with anyone other than Pa, wait, I danced with Vito before. Okay, two people. That's a lot of people for me.

"Alright, I'll come for you later," he replies and then we part ways—me to the food table and him to the group of girls whom I scared.

I walk to the table and place my now empty flute on the used platter and grab two cucumber sandwiches. No one is around me, all the girls too scared to eat in front of the brothel. I survey the room from my safe spot and notice the entire brothel now on the dance floor. Haruhi in a black suit, twirls with a girl and when she sees me, smiles and nods her head in greeting. I return the gesture and find Honey and Mori dancing close to each other.

The song played by a string quartet and accompanying piano, flows and then comes to a soft end. It looks like Honey and Mori are going to come my direction, but halfway to me are pulled to dance once more. Smiling, I finish my sandwiches and place the dirty plate under the table for used dishes. When I come back up, I find a boy staring at me.

"Uhhhh," I stutter and feel my heart pound. The boy is taller than me but I can tell he is younger by at least two years. What makes me really nervous is his similarity to Mori. Scratch that, the boy may as well be Mori.

"Are the sandwiches good?" he starts to chirp eagerly like a baby bird. His aura is one of great excitement and I blush and manage to get a nod out. The young boy is clad in a tan suit and red tie and scarfs down two sandwiches within a matter of seconds. "The sandwiches are really good! Have you tried the other stuff?"

"Yes. The cu-cu-cumber cups are really good," I stutter, and then look to the dance-floor for help. I'm beginning to choke on my own words.

"Oh, they are!" he exclaims as he shovels more food into his mouth. I can feel people begin to notice my presence and I try to quietly slip away. This is to no avail because the boy follows after me as I escape to my couch. "Hey do you want to dance?"

"No thank you," I whisper and sit on the couch. The boy sits next to me with a full plate of food and I attempt to calm my breathing. My heart is starting to even out and I chance a look at the younger boy. I find him looking to the dance floor. He catches me looking at him and he gives me a bright smile.

"Soooooo, who are you here for?" he asks. I blush and then look to the dance floor. Eyes flicking across all the partners as another song starts from where the last left off, I find Kyoya. I can't help the smile that is coming to my face but it soon falls as I see the blonde foreigner with crystal blue eyes. She's the one who pushed me into the wall with her friends and she takes hold of Kyoya's arm in a tender way. My heart is hot and my mind goes blank.

"No one," I reply in a small voice. I don't know why I feel so sad all of a sudden, or why there is suddenly a burst of rage in my stomach.

"I think you're lying," the boy muses and then continues with a happy voice. "I'm Satoshi Morinozuka by the way. Takashi is my brother."

"Ah," I murmur with realization.

So he's Mori's little brother. He must be a good Kendo and be a Karate club member being so tall. Since he's not in the host club, he's probably still in middle school. He also appears to be pretty observant, taking my looking at Kyoya as a hint that I came for him. Of course it's a lie. I didn't come for anyone, especially not Kyoya.

"So what's your name?" the boy asks cheerily. I wring my hands and take them apart to finger both of my weapons above my lace dress. I look to the dance-floor and watch as Kyoya twirls the platinum blond model. She merely smiles like she's too good for him—arrogant bitch. For a moment, I forget that the boy is next to me until he speaks again. "Are you sure you didn't come for anyone?"

"I'm sure," I hiss, taking my anger out on the wrong person. There really isn't anyone to blame. I sigh and then look at the boy with an apologetic and anxious smile. "Sorry. I'm Susan Crea. Pleasure to meet you."

"Well, Crea-chan—"

"Susan, you can call me Susan," I reply with a red face.

"You'll let me call you Susan?" Satoshi asks with a surprised look.

"Yes."

"Then you have to call me Satoshi!" he says excitedly with a shout. The song ends and I look to the dance floor not rally caring who I find in it's grips until I find Kyoya. Catching Kyoya staring at me, I give a forced smile as the blond leads him away for another dance. I almost wish I had accepted his offer to dance.

"So," I try to distract myself with the person finishing off his drink, "Satoshi, what year are you in?"

"I'm a third year middle school student. What year are you?" he asks back and his eagerness to carry on the conversation is met with my anxious heart. I put a loose strand of hair behind my ear and play with my snug.

"I'm a second year high school student. I didn't know that they were having people other than the host club here for the girls," I say in order to make him tell a longer story and allow my heart to even out.

"Yah. They didn't tell us until, what was it, Tuesday? Takashi said that they needed more guys so they wouldn't get too tired and that they might have some girls wanting to dance without enough partners. Mitsukuni said it was because they had a girl coming that was a friend and they didn't want her to be alone. Now that I think about it, I don't think they told me her name," Satoshi says and then rubs the back of his head in deep thought. I'm just surprised.

Kyoya was telling me the truth. I thought he was just joking or making fun of me. Did they really bring in other people just to keep me company while they have to dance with rabid fangirls? Whose idea was it? I wouldn't be surprised if it was Haruhi or Honey who asked for them. The twins and Mori wouldn't think I needed company. Tamaki is too stupid and Kyoya doesn't even care about me. It must have been Haruhi. My heart hasn't stopped its erratic beating and I hope someone saves me soon.

"Well, at least you're having fun," I tell the boy and notice the rapid approach of a small blond boy and older Morinozuka.

"Are you sure you don't want to dance? I'm a really good leader so you don't have to worry about not knowing what to do."

"I'm sure. I just don't feel like dancing right now is all," I reply and sigh in relief at the proximity of Honey and Mori.

"Then why did you come to a dance?"

"Because we asked her to, silly!" Honey exclaims, just as enthusiastic as his younger cousin. Honey comes to me and stands at eye level before me, staring at my dress.

"Wait, are you the friend?" Satoshi squeals.

"We told you she was," Mori tells his brother with what I would assume was Mori's exasperated look. The look was really only a slight change in his eyes; his face making them more crinkled and smaller.

"I wasn't really paying attention," Satoshi confesses with a goofy grin on his face. I snort and can feel my heart start to calm down slightly. My breathing no longer hurts.

"You should go replace us and dance with some girls," Mori tells his little brother. Satoshi gives a salute and then walks away, waving to me before he was attacked by girls.

"Do you really think it's safe for him out there? He's so young," I muse to the cousins. They shrug their shoulders and figure that they don't really know how scary their guests really are. I look to the dance floor one last time to see Kyoya still dancing with the blond girl. I bite my lip in anger that I don't really understand.

"You look so pretty Susan-chan!" Honey says as he places himself on my lap. He sits softly and I am mystified with how light he is. Mori sits where his brother was and I reposition Honey so he won't pull my still new stitches.

"Thank you Honey. You guys look great too."

Mori is dressed in a black suit with blue cross tie and white pin-stripe shirt. The pin stripe on the shirt is a blue that matches the tie and his feet have black dress shoes made from fancy leather. Honey is dressed in a light yellow, bordering on cream, suit with red tie and white button down top. His shoes are a cream dress shoe made out of similar leather to his cousin.

"Your hair is pretty when it's curled like that," Honey says as he brings a hand to touch a loose curl. When he touches it, his eyes go wide with delight. "Your hair is so soft!"

"Yah, Kou did a really good job. It was his first time curling hair and I was a bit nervous about it, but he really is wonderful," I tell him. Honey quickly gets up and I find a girl walking towards us. She appears to be the black-haired girl that's friends with the blonde dancing with Kyoya. She wears a yellow dress that goes to the knees and is made out of satin.

"Honey," she calls and Honey skips his way to her. I hadn't noticed that the song had ended and I hope the blond doesn't come bother me.

"Mori?" another voice calls.

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. In front of me is the blonde foreigner and she gives me a dirty look before Mori turns to her. Up close, I can see her short cocktail dress is made from what appears to be silk dyed a gorgeous red. It hangs off her body in a way that just makes her seem skinnier than she actually is. Her blond hair cascades down her back in beach waves, made longer by extensions, and her legs are extended with black strappy heels. I frown deeply and can feel Mori assessing the situation. I don't have a beating heart from anxiety, but rather an itchy finger to pull the trigger and end her.

"Yes?" he replies after a short period of silence where the girl and I just stare at each other.

"Would you care to dance with me?" she asks, voice sugary sweet. I can feel my lip raise ever so slightly in a growl and I hope Mori says yes so she can just leave me alone. The girl doesn't back down but gives me a cocky smile.

"I was actually going to dance with Susan-chan," he replies in a strong voice.

I try not to appear taken off guard, but that is exactly what I am. Mori gets up and offers me his hand. Not wanting to appear like a bad person and brush Mori off when he's standing up for me, I take it. He cups my smaller hand in his and leads me past the blond. As I pass her though, I childishly stick my tongue out at her pursed lip frown.

We get to the center of the dance floor after a few steps and Mori takes the lead stance. I follow suit and place my left hand on his shoulder and keep my right in his hand. He places his right on my hip and a new song begins. It's a waltz and I start to dance the familiar steps. At this moment I'm regretting not dancing. I remember the steps and find that the fangirls are too in their own world to stare at me. My anxiety isn't actually bad at all.

"Thanks for doing that," I whisper to Mori as we float across the dance floor. He nods and I begin to recognize the song. I can even recall the piano parts for the piece. "I know this song."

"Do you? What is it called?" Mori asks me as he looks down.

"Merry Go Round of Life. I can play it on piano." I reply.

"You play piano?"

"Yes, but I don't perform. I can't. The last time I did, I think I was twelve. My Pa had a private tutor for me and everything. They always said I could go professional, but I broke my hands a year ago and I had to stop playing."

Last year was a hard year. Both of my hands got broken and I couldn't play piano anymore. Looking at my hands now, you could never tell that they were ever broken. The only telling sign is when I write too long, they begin to cramp. Plus I didn't really play in front of anyone but my gang. When I was twelve, they said I was a prodigy. But when I went up in competition, I froze so hard, that they wondered if I would ever play again. It was just something else my anxiety kept me from sharing with the world.

"I like it," Mori muses after a while, the song swelling and notes flowing in the air.

I smile and blush ever so slightly getting lost in the music and closing my eyes, picturing the notes in my mind and around me. We spin around and when I have to open them to avoid getting dizzy, I see something out of place. When I look to where I saw it before, my heart stops. The warm fuzzy feeling is gone.

"Mori stop twirling," I order in a harsh voice. Mori catches on and we stop twirling but remain dancing side by side. I stare at the group of men in black yukatas and blood red daimons in the shape of a serpent.

"What's wrong?" he asks in a hushed whisper.

"My guests never showed up at the syndicate. They showed up here," I tell him.

I count the heads and find eight. They're starting to cause a scene and I close my eyes and breathe in and out. My blood is like iron; my soul is like fire; my mind is like the air. My body is strong; I am courageous; my mind is free. I am a gangster, boss of Dojin-kai. My transformation is complete.

"What-"

"Mori, this is what is going to happen. I'm going to lead them away from here. Make sure no one follows me. I can't guarantee anyone's safety if they are with me. I'll get them out of here as soon as possible, but they're going to want to talk. Get rid of everyone or hide them someplace. Make sure no one disturbs the meeting. Let me handle them by myself," I tell Mori as I open my eyes. His grip on my hand and hip tighten in fear.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"I'm more concerned with the civilians. You make sure that they stay away. I don't want you acting like the hero either Mori. You don't know what these men are capable of, and though you could hold your own against them, they're not going to play fair. I'll be fine," I reassure him in the way I reassure my own men.

He nods once and my happy song comes to a close. Mori leads me to the edge of the dance-floor and I give him a nod. I make my way to the eight men and stand in front of them. They look at me and I give a cocky grin. They share my feeling and grin back at me, like wolves gathering around a newcomer.

The leader looks at me and cocks his blond head, a tattoo of the serpent on his cheek. I look at him and notice that he is strong and he looks like he can take me out if I'm caught by surprise. He stands at only five feet nine, and has a bulky muscular body, and he seems intelligent in some respects, but looks wet behind the ears. He appears to be nervous, his foot tapping slightly. Maybe it's his first negotiation, but I don't think I've seen him before. Must be the heir to the yakuza and he doesn't seem to be that old, maybe twenty-five tops.

"Follow me boys," I instruct and then turn my back on them.

People are watching us and I feel their fear. These men better not shoot me in the back. I lead them out the hall and down the west wing. To my surprise the door to the main building opens up without any problems. I wonder what they're going to ask for. They sent too many people just for it to be a negotiation. Maybe they thought I would have security with me at the dance. How did they even know about the dance is my main concern.

More walking and I lead them to my dusty secret room. I'm sure that no one but Charming knows about this room. I didn't see Charming at the party, so I should be safe. Well, they should be safe. It doesn't take them long to toss the lights on and me to notice that there are only five with me and only three remain inside the room. The other two stand as sentries at the door.

"You guys don't follow orders very well, do you?" I ask with a harsh joking tone.

"They don't like to follow orders from small little girls is all," the leader with long blond hair says. His hair is in a pony-tail that reminds me of the Sendo-kai heir who went to Kasanoda-gumi.

"Well, what do you guys want?" I ask with an exasperated tone, going to sit on a dusty desk.

"I want to first tell you that you look smoking in that dress," the blond tells me.

"What's your name? I just don't want to refer to you in my head as 'this asshole'. It isn't as funny as the first time," I snarkily say. I can see the blonde's mouth pucker and he sits across from me on a desk of his own. He folds his arms and I can make out the guns in his shoulder holsters. He's packing some heavy artillery. I don't think they're here for negotiations.

"You can refer to me as Prince Charming," he says with a wink. I roll my eyes and size the guy up.

"Sorry I already have someone called Charming in my life. How about Sendo-san?" I ask with a sugary sweet voice. The leader's body guards snort and then begin to howl with laughter. The man's vein pops out of his head and he gives a dirty look to his boys. They stop and then he looks to me with an angry smile. I simply feign ignorance and keep a devilish smile.

"Susan-san, you are really something," he muses when he looks back to me. I notice for the first time that his eyes are a so black that they're nearly filled in, void of white. They're terrifying really.

"Crea-san to you," I tell him with a smile. He frowns at this and I wonder why he's trying so hard to get me to like him. I am getting fed up and finally let a piece of my rage out in hiss. "What do you want?"

"Well you see, we're here to negotiate a treaty," he replies with a frown. I stare at him for a second before I start laughing at him. I'm not even holding back. Tears form in my eyes and my stitches hurt from the motion of the roaring laughter.

"A treaty? A **treaty**? You've got to be kidding me. You guys are funny. This is the funniest joke I've heard in a long time!" I yell with laughter still continuing. The man has had it and he gives me a red hot look.

"This isn't funny!" he yells at me in anger. He makes a motion to get up and in a second I have Harry out from my right thigh holster and pointed at him, my dress not even a problem in the split second reaction.

"Of course it is," I reply with a cool voice. The bodyguards finally realize that their leader is in trouble and they try to pull out their weapons. "Move and Sendo-san isn't going to have a face."

"Crea-san, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you," the blond man coos at me like a child. I shake my head and give him an angry smile.

"Don't treat me like a child. If anyone is ignorant about this business, it's you. You send me a threat, say you're going to make us play in a death match, and now you show up at a dance to negotiate with me instead of this morning! You even ruined one of my favorite songs of the night and now you're telling me you want a **treaty**. People don't do those kinds of things to me; it makes me angry. And man do you have me pissed already and on top of that you have the nerve to show up with seven body guards. It's a little excessive," I laugh out.

"I know. They're just a little concerned since I'm the boss now and-"

"You're boss? I thought it was an old man?" I ask, Harry itching to be fired. I don't think I'll let this kid live if he's joking.

"No, he was killed by one of your men!"

"No he wasn't."

"Yes he was."

"Uhm, no he wasn't. My men actually listen to me," I tell him with a hiss, cocking Harry to end the fight.

"Well, someone killed him and now I'm boss and I want a treaty!" he exclaims, partly with fear the other anger. His voice cracked in the yell, only emphasizing the fact that he was desperate.

I sigh and drop Harry to the desk next to me, rolling him out. I rub my temples and think. This is a new boss. We could make a treaty with him but once he feels comfortable enough, he'll kill me. They aren't the most trustworthy of men. But at the same time, I won't have to risk any of my men in a death match. No. I want to play. This man is inexperienced and I'll get to make the decisions for the match. I'll make it arena since I know my men and he doesn't know his. His men don't even listen to him. I can win and end all of this.

"Nope. I don't want a treaty. Your old boss wanted a death match, so that's what you're going to have to put up with. I don't trust you and I would rather take over you yakuza by force than have to put up with you stabbing me in the back."

"You won't even consider the treaty?" he mutters with false hope. I shake my head and he bites his lip and looks away. "I'll do anything to not have my men killed. I know I won't win in the death match. You know that you'll massacre them. I just don't want to make them do something I know I can't win."

"You'll do anything?" I ask. The man nods his head and I can see tears gather in the corners of his eyes. "Hand over your yakuza to me and have them become my men. Sendo-kai will no longer exist. There will only be two syndicates of Dojin-kai."

"I," the man starts and then looks down at the floor in deliberation.

I don't know who killed their boss, but they're seemingly an angel in disguise. Actually, I wouldn't doubt if Pa put out a hit on him. That's probably the most likely of everything. But this man can't hold onto his yakuza and have no one get hurt. He has to make the decision to save his men and himself or die, because they won't survive if we play in a match.

"Quickly. I don't have all night. I would like to see if there's cake on the food table," I bark out.

The man looks torn and the bodyguards are stoic. I wouldn't be able to give up my yakuza if he asked this of me. But he's only been boss for a day, so he wouldn't have the bond that I have with my men. Hopefully, I am never given this ultimatum because I would rather walk straight through hell than give my men to someone else.

"I'll give them to you, but our syndicate will be called Sendo. We will be Dojin-kai members and will follow your every order, but we will remain with my uncle's name," he bargains. I look at his face and find tears rolling out of his black eyes down his cheeks, the serpent tattoo seemingly crying along with him.

"Alright then. I'm going to clean up your syndicate for some time and you will be underboss for me, but I will have to switch some men between the syndicates to make sure you're doing what I say. And know this, if you should ever find yourself wondering if you could kill me, kill yourself right then and there. It would be more merciful than if I found out you were going to go against me. Do you understand?" I ask. The man nods and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

"Thank you Crea-san," he mutters in a small voice.

"You can call me Susan-sama," I instruct and put Harry away. Getting off from the table, I stand in front of him and try to feel his emotions. My gut is saying he's telling the truth and he doesn't appear to be hiding something.

"You can call me Rei," he lets me know. I nod once and then look at his yukata.

"Kou will get you new yukatas. This weekend, every one of your members has to get re-tattooed and burn their yukatas with the Sendo-kai daimon," I say, grabbing his sleeve. He nods and I make my way to the door. "I want to go check out the dessert table. Let's get your men and they can wait outside for me. The twins will instruct you on everything that you need to know. Do you understand?"

"Hai," is his only reply. I walk down the halls, the men following behind me like shadows. When we get out of the west wing, I don't find the other three men who didn't follow us to the classroom. I look around and then look to Rei. He seems to be wondering where his men are also.

"Did you tell them to behave themselves?" I ask with a tired look.

"Yah, but they don't listen very well," he replies. I look to his four men with us and give them a dark look. They straighten their backs and look like reprimanded children. I begin to walk out the doors to the garden the balcony overlooks.

"I'm going to have to fix that," I say and stop to look behind me. The men looked absolutely terrified-well it is for good reason.

I begin to walk back to the ballroom but something distracts me. It sounds like laughing and muffled screaming. Worried, I run to where I can hear the noise and find the section of garden with large hedges. In the moonlight, I can see a piece of cloth on a thorny bush. It appears to be red silk and my heart drops. I keep walking and find behind them. Three dressed in black yukatas and one dressed in a half-ripped red silk dress.

"Look at her. She's definitely a virgin."

The one holding the girl laughs an evil sound and I lose it, memories flooding into my brain. I suddenly have one of my switchblades out and I'm cutting off the man's hand. The blade stops in the middle of cutting and I scream and finish, pushing the blade farther and farther. I can feel them-hands-on me. The bloody hand drops to the floor and I breathe hard and heavy as droplets of blood fall onto my legs.

The man falls to the ground and begins to scream in agony. I want to escape but I also want to kill this man. I breathe harder and snarl. The others scream in anger and take out their weapons but are stopped by Rei. I kick the man away from the girl and then take the knife to his throat, kneeling on the ground. Blood and dirt stains my knees and I have the urge to kill him, but don't push in just yet.

"You dirty son of a bitch. Don't ever touch a woman, let alone a girl, like that ever again. I hope you bleed out and I hope your family jewels never work ever again because you're too scared I'll come into the room and chop them off. You are under my command now and I will not have you do this to anyone ever again. If you do, you're going to be missing another hand."

"It hurts," the man screams as he clutches his hand. I spit in his face and then stand up. "It hurts."

"Rei get him out of here right now. I don't want to see his disgusting face," I command. My new men do as they're told and they're all gone in a matter of five seconds, taking the hand with them. I find the girl a few feet away wrapped up in a ball. I wipe my blade off on the piece of her dress that was torn, putting it back into my thigh holster, and go to her. I kneel down and find that she has a gash on her head and tears are streaming down and falling off her chin.

"They were going to rape me. They were touching me," she mutters over and over, in her own world. I let her go through the realization that they left and wait until she looks to me. Her eyes finally look up and her crystal blue orbs meet my emerald green ones.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry I came so late," I apologize to the girl. She suddenly starts crying harder and puts her arms out to me. I open mine and pick her up carefully, holding her bridal style. She doesn't weigh more than a feather and she clings to my neck tightly as she shakes and wails. "You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay."

"No, I won't. No one will ever want me! I'm tainted!" she moans into my neck. I shake my head.

"If they don't want you then they don't deserve you. You did nothing wrong. If your family disowns you, I'll be here for you. I'll take care of you. But don't ever think that you're alone because if you ever need anyone I'm right here. I'll arrange a marriage for you and support you and make sure you're never hurt again," I coo into her hair, tears coming to my own eyes and memories of hands and being dirty flow into my brain. I walk to the back entrance of the dance hall and she is silent for some time.

"Thank you," she mutters as she finally stops crying. "You shouldn't treat me like this. I was so mean to you."

"You aren't the first and you won't be the last person to be mean to me. But you certainly aren't the last person I'll help if they need it," I tell her. I open the back entrance door and find the brothel pacing in the backroom.

"Susan-chan! What happened?" Honey asks as he comes to me. My mind is starting to be a jumbled mess full of memories of hands and blood and bruises and whippings and burning skin. But through that, I'm more worried about the girl in my arms. Mori comes to me and tries to take her out of my hold. When she sees Mori's large frame she clings to me tighter.

"I want to stay with Susan," she cries out as tears begin to fall down her face.

"Kyoya call an ambulance, she has a head wound," I let out as I go to a couch in the room. "Haruhi get a robe for her please. Is anyone still out there?"

"No. We sent them all home," the twins say in unison as they look at me curiously.

"Good. No one will ever know, okay?" I ask the foreign girl. "If you don't want people to know, they won't. No one will ever tell."

"I don't want to tell the school. My parents have to know, but not the school," she replies with a sniffle as Haruhi comes back with a robe. I place the terry cloth fabric around the girl and sit her on the couch next to me.

"What happened?" Tamaki screams as he comes to my face. I'm still in gangster mode, so I can handle him.

"Susan saved me from a man. He was, he was," she broke down into sobs again. I'm surprised she hasn't shut down on us yet. She's a strong girl to even be talking about this.

"It doesn't matter. I saved her, she needs her head wound checked out, and I need to see if her parents are coming."

"I already called them along with the ambulance," Kyoya replies.

I smile a thankful smile at him and he gives me a worried look as he inspects my bloody body. Mouthing 'I'm fine' he visibly relaxes but there is still worry in his posture. I turn to the girl. She's finally gone into herself and I merely hug her and rub her back. I look to the girl and wonder what her name is. It's an insignificant detail when something like this happens. But at the same time, names mean the world to you. Names are important.

* * *

Her parents were here sooner than the ambulance, being on their way to pick her up. When I excused the host club from the meeting, I told her parents what happened to her. They seemed to be worried but not disgusted. Assessing their feelings, I found that they were thankful to me for saving their daughter. The girl would be in good hands, seeing as how neither parent thought she was tainted or any of that bullshit.

The paramedics came right after that and I sent them all off. I told the girl if she ever needed anything to just come to me. She wanted me to go to the hospital with her, but I told her to lean on her parents for support. But I again emphasized that she was never alone. After all of the necessary things were done, the police not called because I took care of the matter, the host club checked if I was okay.

"What did the men want?" Mori asks as we sit around and wait for our cars to get here. Mine would be first and I would have taken Haruhi home if Tamaki hadn't already volunteered. I also would have walked home had Kyoya not demanded I be in a car.

"They wanted a treaty," I reply, not caring if they knew my business. The cops would know that pretty soon and it isn't valuable information.

"Did you say yes?" Haruhi asks with a curious look on her face.

"I felt like I should," I reply, not really answering the question.

Kyoya looks at me from his place across the room and I can see the worry in his eyes. He keeps staring at my knees and the blood trailing down into my shoes. I was too tired to wipe it off. My mind was dark and I felt like I was relieving all the painful days of my youth. I couldn't escape. I need someone or no one at all. Maybe Kyoya can help if he just stays quiet and doesn't ask me about it. But that would never happen.

"Where did the blood come from?" Kyoya asks, breaking my inner monologue. The question is followed by a deep silence. "Susan, answer me!"

"Nowhere Kyoya. Leave it alone!" I yell back at him, not wanting to discuss this. Kyoya storms away a moment later and I wonder how this evening could get so messed up. I sigh and run a hand up to my hair and untangle the curly mess.

"He's only worried about you," Honey whispers to me as the others continue on with a conversation I wasn't a part of.

"I know, but he's suspicious," I tell Honey.

Honey drops the subject after that. My mind wanders off to memories of a worse time and I can feel hands on me. They're intruding my body and I feel so dirty all of a sudden. There is searing hot, white pain and the smell of alcohol on someone's breath and the vision of needles and white powder. It's all so blurry though, so I can never tell if I actually experienced it or didn't. My mind is growing louder and louder so I stay quiet until Tamaki breaks my silent mind.

"You should be our bodyguard Susan-chan!" he exclaims.

"What?"

"You can protect us when we do things and at school. You can come to the Host club and make sure no one gets hurt," he says even more excitedly. The twins give an affirmation and I feel so drained.

"How can you expect me to protect anyone with what happened tonight?" I ask with a disgusted voice. My mind is screaming at me and I see the headlights of my car in the front of the school.

Haruhi gives me my longboard, no one saying a word. Turning from them, I run out the door. No farewells were exchanged as I went down the steps and fled the scene behind me. I can hear footsteps and can see Kou's worried look at the blood on my knees.

"It wasn't your fault," Kyoya yells as I get to the car, Kou looking at us in a quizzical way. I look back to Kyoya and give a sad smile.

"I know, but it was my responsibility to make sure they didn't hurt anyone. I was careless. And it was partly my fault. I mean I didn't even know her name."

I got in the car and left, heaviness in my heart and my memories coming to the surface and overflowing into reality. I closed my eyes and could feel the hands of people whose names I never knew; they kept dirtying me and there was always the smell of alcohol. People whose names weren't important.

* * *

**Hello everybody! Currently writing this up at work on a Monday. I'm going to make some final tweaks before I give this to you, hopefully on Thursday. Again, I added a second major, so I'm kinda swamped. By the first week of May (which is finals) I should be back to a weekly schedule. But i am working during the summer and taking four online classes. **

**So, this chappie was a little sad. I'm sorry to do that to the girl, even though she was a bitch. We get a little bit more knowledge of what Susan went through and as you can tell it's not good. She isn't going to be able to tell anyone anytime soon. That's a whole different situation I'm going to set up. I also gave Susan the talent of piano playing. She can't really sing but before she broke her hands she was really really good. She can still play, just not as well. Piano is what is going to connect her to Kasanoda, surprisingly. I was also surprised about the whole Sendo-kai treaty I threw in. I wasn't really planning that. It just happened last night.**

**Hey guys, I totally forgot about the song. It's Merry go round of life from the movie Howl's Moving Castle. In addition, I totally know how I'm going to fix this whole treaty Sendo-kai thing. Bad bad me for not following my notes and outline. Bad bad me. **

**Anyways, remember to follow, fave, review, obsess. Review and leave a comment on who you want Susan to end up with, just so I know how many hearts I will be ripping from bodies. Love you guys!**


	14. It was Good Coffee

Chapter Fourteen: It was Good Coffee

* * *

"**What do you want?"**

**"Just coffee. Black - like my soul."**

― **Cassandra Clare, **_**City of Bones**_

"**It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."**

― **Dave Barry**

**He was my cream, and I was his coffee -**

**And when you poured us together, it was something.**

― **Josephine Baker**

* * *

The nightmares were always so fuzzy. It was like looking at a kaleidoscope in a pool. The picture was never actually a picture to begin with and the dream just made everything more skewed. They always started the same too. I felt small. Too small to feel safe; I always felt helpless. Then there was always darkness surrounding me. That in and of itself made me feel terrified.

Then the next stage was always the feeling of being dirty. It evaded every fabric of my being and I couldn't tell why I was dirty to begin with. The smell of alcohol and burning flesh would probably be a good sign. The darkness would disappear just as quickly as it came about and it left my head spinning with light being blasted into my eyes. The light was never a nice change because I was still not aware of my surroundings.

But I think I would take the darkness than what always happened next. I could suddenly see, but I wished I could close my eyes. There was a man, his eyes glazed over and his inner elbow bruised with small holes. He would just be over me. Teeth were rotting as he smiled a wide smile at me. I was trapped, my back beginning to itch and my legs wet from liquid. The man lowered himself further and further, my back now burning and wet with blood. I screamed as he consumed me, hands over me in ever place.

I always woke up, someone screaming, tears running down my face, bright light of day burning my eyes and back aching to no end.

"Susan-sama, it's alright. You're awake. You're safe now. You're alright!" Kou's words float to my ears.

I had the sickening realization that the screaming wasn't coming from him but me. My voice was high pitched and bloodcurdling-a true horror movie scream. The noise abruptly stopped and my throat was dry and strained. Sweat covered my entire body and the covers were on the floor. Kou had me sitting up, clutching me in his arms. My lip trembled with fear and I buried my face into Kou's neck.

"_I'm sorry_," I mumble over and over and over, not even caring what language it was in.

"You'll be fine. I'm right here," Kou would mumble back.

Lifetimes which were really minutes later, my body no longer trembled and I felt cold with the sweat. I push Kou away before the boy would start crying. He got the idea and immediately got up and stood at his bed on the floor. No longer did he just have a hamster bed but a futon on the shag rug. He had been staying here since before my panic attack and the nightmares happened every night since the dance. It's Monday and now I have to go to school.

"Please get my uniform and give me my black hoodie. I would rather feel more comfortable than anything today," I instruct my voice hoarse from screaming. Kou went to my closet but then I ask a burning question and he comes out. "How long this time?"

"Ten minutes," he replies with a small voice. The periods of screaming got longer and longer with the consecutive days. I sigh and rub my hand against my face. I'm tired but the weekend gave me some time to catch up with my sleep.

"I'm going to go shower. Tell Fu that he can take me to school today. I'm not going to ride my longboard," I tell Kou.

He nods and then proceeds with getting my outfit. I grab the towel on the chair in my room and carry on with my life. Walking to the shower, I find the house oddly quiet. The twins are gone to deal with my new syndicate and the cousins have been running the perimeter with some new men. The transition is going smoothly but I don't think they have a choice. I went there yesterday and told them that one wrong move would mean death.

I yawn and enter the bathroom, turning my water to the normal heat. Taking off my clothes, I check my stomach wound. The doctor took out the stitches, saying that I should keep taking my vitamins because I was healing extremely fast. I admit that it was great. The wound was slightly yellow and with raised white skin but it was together. I get into the shower and quickly wash my hair.

When I come out, I find that Kou had done as I asked and gotten my clothes. He even left my favorite black hoodie and my favorite cream tights with black thigh high socks. I smile and dress quickly. Taking a comb in my hand, I roughly brush my hair back, my hair too short to be in a bun any longer. Kou cut it off yesterday and now the bob sits barely covering my ears. I left my natural black color, forgoing the dyed tips.

Kou placed my weapons next to the clothes and I place my switchblades into my new double thigh holsters along with Sally. Looking at myself in the mirror one last time, I head to the front room. As per usual, Fu is sitting in my favorite chair reading the newspaper. I sit in another chair across from him and wait for Kou. He's probably dressing and I know he would want to come with us to drop me off. Fu lets his paper fall and the bald man studies me for a moment. I sit and look back at him, wondering what he's thinking.

"I don't think—"

"I'm going to school."

"That's not what I was going to say. How could you believe me to say that? You wound me, Susan-sama," he replies, faux hurt in his voice. He's been getting sassy with me. I stick my tongue out and he just chuckles.

"Then what were you going to say?" I ask with an innocent voice. The large man's smile falls off his face and he looks down at a loose string in his blue yukata.

"I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened to that girl," he says quietly. I look down and frown and play with a loose string of mine own.

"You know that it was my responsibility to protect everyone there," I reply with sadness. The girl's face pops into my mind, full of tears and blood flowing down her forehead.

"You did protect them. It was the Host club's duty to watch out for their guests," he argues.

"Yah but those guys were there because of me," I argue back, my voice rising in anger.

"That's irrelevant. If you feel you let them down when it wasn't even your job to protect them, take Tamaki's offer and become their bodyguard so nothing like this ever happens again," Fu yells out. I flinch with the ferocity of his answer and he then shrinks into himself and continues with a small voice. "I just don't want to hear you scream anymore. I can't take it."

Realization that I was scaring my men then hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone had told me it wasn't my fault for not protecting the girl. Even the man whose hand I cut off said that yesterday. Maybe I should forgive myself and move on. My men needed me to be strong, even if I would scream myself awake. To make amends and to help my nightmares I'm going to have to rectify what was done. It's probably the only chance I have at getting my sanity back. The only way to remove the nightmare's trigger.

"Alright, I'll try to stop. I'm going to take the job with the Host Club," I tell Fu. He smiles and then gets up, placing his paper on the empty chair. Crossing the small distance, he takes me into his arms and squeezes me.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you but I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want you to hurt. None of us want you to hurt anymore," he whispers. I feel tears gather in my hair from his eyes and I gather him in my arms and squeeze back.

"I'm sorry for making you worried. I'll get better. I just need some time," I reply. He nods and then I feel him pull away. He smiles and wipes the tears away, the gang tattoo on his neck out of place.

"You're like a daughter to me, you know that?" he asks. I nod once and then look at Fu with happiness. I may not have my Pa here but Fu takes care of me. I trust him.

"I know. You're like my Pa to me too." Fu smiles brighter and then looks down quickly, embarrassment flooding his cheeks. When he comes back up there's a glimmer in his eye and his smile is mischievous.

"Do you want to tell us if you danced with the glasses boy yet?" he asks with a sly grin. All of my men, even the ones not in the house, have been asking me if I danced with anyone. It seems like they want to know if I'm going to get married anytime soon or who they have to beat up if they break my heart. I've only told them that I danced once, keeping the person's identity a secret.

"_Nope_," I say in English and pop the 'p' in a teasing manner. Kou shows up in the next moment in a pair of tight jeans and a red hoodie, carrying my backpack in his hands along with a toast on top of a bento box.

"Let's get going," he says and then rushes out the door. He's in a hurry and I figure there's a sale of some sort he wants to get to.

"Why is he in a hurry?" I ask Fu in a conspiratorial whisper.

"There's a manga coming into the store today. The last one was a cliff-hanger and he's been going crazy every time I mention it. He isn't as bad as when you're here, but that's mostly because I tease him about it when we're alone," he whispers back with a smile as wide as the Cheshire cat.

"Ah," I say and nod my head. When we exit the house, my men line the path and they bow.

"Have a nice day at school, Susan-sama," they chant.

"Thank you. I know I'll see all of you here tonight," I reply and notice a group of men out of place.

"Hai," all the men say and I notice again that these four don't reply.

They also don't bow as lowly and they chuckle as they whisper to one another. Inspecting them further, I realize they're Sendo-kai transfers. Walking and taking out a blade at the same time, the men tense and bow lower. When I get to them, I snap the blade open and stare at them angrily, letting my bloodlust out in waves.

"Stand," I command in a harsh voice and everything goes silent. The men do as they're told and look forward with blank faces. "Do you want me to come home?"

"Hai," they reply, playing the part of perfect men.

"Then when you didn't answer, you must not have wanted to be here when I came home. That is the only plausible reason why you didn't answer," I hiss. One opens his mouth and I yell, "I can arrange for you to not be here when I come home! One slice and it'll be over!"

I bring the blade to his neck and can see him gulp but not move. This isn't something I can have in my gang. There can't be a lack of respect for me. I'm boss and this is not the way I should be treated. Fu is standing behind me and I know he's waiting for me to give an order to kill them. But I can't kill them. That'll only make the other transfers rebel.

"I'm sorry Susan-sama," the man lets out, my blade making a slight cut with the words. I bring my blade down and replace it in its holster.

"I know you don't like being a part of this yakuza, but it was the only way for Rei to keep you alive. If not, I would have killed your whole syndicate. You should try to get along with us, because if you don't you can't live," I say strongly. The man goes pale with fear and I soften my voice and soothe him. "But you are my men. I will protect you to the depths of hell and everywhere else. I'm not a bad leader and yes you have to make some changes, but they're nothing ridiculous. You are Dojin-kai and we are a strong family. Isn't that right boys?"

"Hai," my men say, the fear finally lifted. The group of men who didn't answer, shudder and then yell out with the others once more. "Hai!"

"Goodbye then. I will see you all here later today," I say as I walk away, pleased with their change.

Kou comes up to me and gives me the slice of toast. I gratefully accept and eat it as Fu disappears to go get the car. The car comes around in the next minute and I watch as Kou carefully puts the bento into my backpack. After he's done he opens the door for me and I get in. The car ride is short and before I know it, Ouran is right in front of my face. I pull the hood over my head and get out of the car.

"Have a nice day at school Susan-sama," Kou proclaims from the window of the car. I wave goodbye, plastering a happy smile on my face even though I'm starting to regret getting out of bed. I'm so tired.

"Susan-chan," a sugary sweet voice yells out as the car drives away. I don't have time to even adjust my backpack when a certain blonde is in my face.

"Tamaki, do you have any idea what personal space is?" I snap at him. He backs off quickly and I feel like I just kicked a puppy. I sigh. "Sorry. I'm a little tired."

"It's okay Susan-chan! I was just excited to see you!" he announces to the whole world. I sigh again and feel my heart begin to pound with the people staring. I walk off towards the school and immediately regret not bringing my board.

"Tamaki come on, we're going to be late," I call when I notice he isn't following me. Footsteps are heard and the taller blonde is immediately in front of me again. My palms sweat slightly while I hold the straps of my backpack.

"You cut your hair?" Tamaki asks as he peers beneath my hood.

"Yah, it was getting troublesome," I answer.

"It looks good," he says as he faces forward and makes his place to walk up the stairs next to me. I blush and put a loose strand behind my ear.

"Thank you," I reply and walk more quickly up the steps. There is silence for a few minutes but silence can only mean that Tamaki is thinking.

"Did you think about my offer?" he asks in a small voice when we're almost to class.

He peers at me from the side and I could discern his pleading and lonely tone in the question. I sigh as we get to the door, Tamaki opening it for me. His face is desperate and I know he doesn't want anyone else to get hurt ever again. Neither do I. I purse my lips and give him a small smile.

"I accept," I tell him. The bell rings and Tamaki's face is shocked. I smile a little larger and roll my eyes at his open mouthed expression.

"Crea-chan," the small voice of Honda-sensei calls me. I turn and walk around the still shocked blonde. Going to the front of the room, I feel my classmates' eyes on me and my heart starts to pound.

"Yes Honda-sensei," I reply. The woman gives me a kind smile and I try to pull strength off of her.

"The vice principal would like to speak with you," she whispers.

I can feel my face contort into a confused look but I nod. I quickly put my backpack on my chair and leave the room. But before I do, I catch Kyoya looking at me with a blank face. It was a change from his normally concerned looks and arrogant smile. Something happened to him that made him this way. What happened? Why did he look like that? I hope he's okay.

I shake my head and make my way to the office, tugging my hood down. I wouldn't want that batty secretary to give me funny looks anyway. The walk is surprisingly short and the secretary doesn't give me a second glance as I walk into the vice principal's office. When I get in, I find the man at his desk filling out paperwork. His cup of hot coffee is sitting next to him and I find another cup with coffee next to it.

"I thought you might want some coffee. When we first met, you looked tired," he lies as I sit and take the coffee. Looking at it I find it's creamy with what looks like more milk than actual coffee.

"You put milk and sugar?" I ask with a raised brow. My heart doesn't pound with the man like when I first met him. Instead I feel like I'm with another boss and it's somehow soothing. But what's really worrying me is how he knows I'm tired and that I need coffee. There are lot of things people know that they shouldn't necessarily have knowledge of.

"Yes four lumps of sugar and a third of milk," he tells me as he sips his own cup. Now that's weird. That is my exact order for my coffee. Now I'm mildly freaking out and really wondering if I should get my gun out and kill him.

"Oh," I mutter while I decide what to do. The old man senses my fear and puts his cup down.

"I called your father earlier. You missed your physical exam last week and I need a parent's excuse. I also had some things I had to talk to you about. That and I had a couple of questions about your previous schooling," he says and puts his hand to his mustache.

My tense shoulders relax and I take a testing sip of my coffee. I normally can't stand coffee and can only take it in mild amounts. If I get too much, I turn slightly jittery and then I'll sleep really really good in the middle of the day. But right now it's like nectar of the gods. It's my saving grace. It's the best coffee I've ever tasted. I sip it some more.

"Alright. What do you want to know?" I ask him after finishing half the cup. I'm already feeling better. The caffeine going straight to work to keep me awake.

"Well you see, I heard about what happened at the dance this weekend," he proclaims and readies himself for anger.

"Oh really. And are you going to tell me it was my fault?" I ask him with a frown. The man shakes his head and wears a small and what seems to be grateful smile.

"No, I was just going to tell you that you did a great job. I also heard that you are going to be the Host club's security manager," he tells me and I sip the coffee more. Suddenly I find that I'm at the bottom of an empty cup. I frown at the white mug and place it back onto the table.

"Word really does travel fast around here," I mutter to him. He looks at my cup and then brings out a thermos out of a bottom drawer in his desk. From the thermos he fills my cup and places sugar in front of me. I smile widely an take three lumps of sugar and place them into the already creamed coffee.

"Yes it does." I take another lump and pop it into my mouth, taking a sip of coffee. The sugar cube dissolves into blissful sweetness with the hot coffee. The man looks at me with disgust at my coffee drinking routine. "I would have guessed you would have taken your coffee black."

"Just because I'm scary doesn't mean that I actually like bitter bean juice," I complain. The man looks at me and then chuckles. I drink my coffee.

"Yes, well I would just like to commend you on your new job and ask you some other questions," he replies and then I feel nervous. His tone feels more like I'm at a job interview now.

"What is it you need to know?" I ask suspiciously.

"You father told me you used to play piano. Were you any good?" he murmurs, going to pet his mustache. I put my mug down and look at him in the eyes. He has eyes that are almost grandfatherly and wise.

"My father would have told you all about it," I retort, crossing my legs while in the chair.

"You're right. He did. He told me you were excellent, could have gone professional actually. But even I remember when the genius child choked and was never heard of again," he muses. I sigh and wring my hands nervously.

"Of course you heard about the fall of the great pianist who just wanted to play piano and not perform. Everyone heard of the tale of Susan Crea. Now why are you bringing this up? I am not going to join the music club if that's what you're thinking. I don't have enough time," I tell him, my voice rising in hysteria at the possibility of playing in front of kids my own age.

"No. You don't have to join the music club, just teach it," he says proudly. My mouth falls open.

"You want me to teach seasoned high-schoolers how to play. Did my father mention I broke my hands and don't play as well or the fact that I haven't played since a year ago?" I practically scream. My coffee is no longer giving me a warm fuzzy feeling. Instead my stomach is a big ball of nerves.

"No I need you oversee the elementary school music club. You can still play, your father assures me that you just '_have to get on the horse again_'" the man says proudly, like he's heard me play only once and is my very enthusiastic uncle. Something like stupid Vito.

"Old man, you can't expect me to teach children. They don't like me very much," I whine.

It actually doesn't sound that bad of a job. Kids don't rile up my anxiety too bad. That and I can always intimidate them into listening. I haven't played in so long and maybe that's what I need to suppress the memories. It might be worth a shot. Fu wouldn't be as worried and Kou wouldn't cry every morning because of my screams.

"You aren't the only one teaching them," he argues. My heart stops. I have to work with the scary teacher.

"Then why do you want me? If you already have a teacher who is going to be there then you don't need me," I argue back.

"Because the teacher who usually teaches them is leaving for an opportunity to tour with his orchestra. I have to find a replacement or find two students who have previous musical knowledge."

"I'm the second student."

"Yes, you're the second student."

"Why me?" I ask with a groan.

"Because you're the only one not preparing for competitions. You are also at an advanced level so I can trust you to do well. You're the only one. That is besides the other student you're working with," he tells me happily. I sigh and think if I could break his heart. He smiles wider and I offer an uneasy smile of my own. I don't think I can say no.

"Alright. The first practice is when, like, next week?" I ask and grab my mug. It's nearly empty and the man pours more coffee. I put more sugar and the man looks away guiltily.

"Today?" he says in a questioning tone.

"Today!" I shout and nearly knock my coffee down, recovering quickly. The man opens his mouth to apologize and put my hand up. "It's okay. I can do this. It'll be alright."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself," he laughs. I frown and down all of my coffee.

"I am. But it'll be fine. Give me the things I need to know," I mutter to him. He hands me the paperwork with multiple children's names and their skills. The list was probably constructed by the teacher and on a post-it said that there was a letter on the last page.

"Everything you need to know is in there. The instructor is probably going to be back by summer, so it's only temporary. That is unless you like it," he tells me. I look at him with a doubtful look. What does he think? I'm going to end up teaching music here forever? I'm only a replacement. I roll my eyes and clutch the papers close.

I begin to walk away with a happy but nervous feeling in my stomach, but that might just be the coffee. Which was to die for. I stop as I put my hand on the doorknob. Quickly turning around, I walk back to the desk. The vice principal is frightened for a second. Until be catches my glance at the empty thermos. He brings out a second thermos and I snatch it. It's full and I open it quickly, dropping in a handful of sugar. I smile at the old man and close it.

"I love this coffee."

* * *

"I hate this coffee."

The bell just rang for lunch and I have nearly fallen asleep four times in the last period. Once I did and when I looked up, the teacher was above me. But that didn't stop me from finishing the entire thermos of coffee. Sighing, I get my bento and find a dark shadow above me.

"You shouldn't drink coffee," the cold voice says. I groan and look up at Kyoya. He seems distant when I look into his eyes, he is a stranger.

"Where's Tamaki?" I ask as I get up. Girls are staring at me and my heart starts to pound rapidly. I stand and promptly exit the classroom, yawning not so ladylike.

"He went to find Haruhi and tell the others you will be joining us as our security as well as tell the girl who was assaulted. I was actually very surprised you agreed," he tells me when he catches up to my escape.

With him mentioning the girl, my blood runs cold. His voice isn't helping me either. It's harsh and I think he's trying to pick at what little sanity I have left. I look at him through the side of my eyes. He isn't looking at me like normal. When I continue looking he doesn't turn to me.

"Are you alright?" I ask softly as we get up the stairs and make our way to our secret hall.

He doesn't answer me and I can feel my heart clench and I no longer feel hungry. We turn and find our spot. I sit and place the bento next to me. Kyoya sits across from me and I pull my hood down. He doesn't look at me and instead focuses on the bento. Ignoring me, I can see his body is tense but it isn't fearful but unsure and confused.

"Why would I tell you?" he hisses and brings his head up, malicious hate in his eyes. I flinch and my whole body is cold with sadness and fear.

The comment makes me feel helpless. The nightmares are a similar feeling and I don't know what to do. I can see it in his body and in his black eyes that something is always eating at him. Then he goes and says things like this but always looks so sad about it. It's like someone is forcing him to say these things and he just goes with it. But that isn't an excuse. He needs help and I want to help him. My chest is collapsing on itself and I look to Kyoya. He stares back at me with a sneer and I can feel my lip tremble. I don't know what to say, but words still come out.

"Because I thought you would need help. Because you don't seem like yourself. Because you mean something to me!" I yell at him. I get up and I walk away. I don't get far, Kyoya's hand going out to hold me in place.

I can suddenly feel tears in my eyes, but they don't give me the benefit of falling down. My chest is so cold and I feel so useless. He can't keep doing this to me. I can't have him as a friend if he keeps doing this to me. I can see something is wrong with him and he can see when something is wrong with me. If this was a normal situation—if we were normal people—this wouldn't be a problem. But he is Kyoya, a boy who seems like he's going to bring me down but really cares for me. I'm just a gang boss with too many problems, one of which is getting too attached to a boy.

I suck in and I can feel Kyoya's eyes on me. I can't tell if they're looking at me angrily or if he's concerned. I don't know what I want anymore. My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest. It shouldn't feel like that with him. I shouldn't give him this feeling. He doesn't deserve it. Not with the way he treats me. This isn't right. I'm just too tired and I'm nervous about teaching today. That and it's totally the coffee. I hate that damn coffee. I hate the nightmares. I hate Kyoya. I hate my emotions. I hate me.

"Susan?"

Kyoya tries to get my attention. I look up and can feel my face totally wet, having missed when the tears actually fell. Kyoya's cold hand holds me in place. I put on an angry face and turn away only to chance another glance at him. The boy stares at me in fear. His eyes are pained and the way he looks at me is way too soft for what just happened. I wipe at my face pathetically, erasing all possibility of me breaking again.

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired and the coffee is messing with me. Then you mentioned the girl again and I just, just can't deal with you hurting me like this," I hiss, but it's more pathetic. I think this is how lions feel when they're starving but won't give up and accept defeat.

Trying to dry my face, I also try to stop crying. I'm angry, but I'm just so broken and stressed. This is what causes the nightmares and partly why I'm crying is because I know that if this happens again, I won't get better. I will continue to have the nightmares because I can't control these raging emotions. Most of which I don't even understand. Why is my chest hurting?

"I'm sorry. I keep doing this to you and then when I see what it does, I'm just sorry. How can I keep doing this to you? Why can't you just be a girl who tells me off and then forgets about me? Why can't you be different?" Kyoya apologizes. I rip my hand back and sit down, sliding down the wall. I put my hands over my face. I give a heavy sigh, my anger leaving me completely.

Taking my hands away from my face, I watch as the boy stands and paces in front of me. He isn't his normal calm and collected self. Instead he appears to be having an internal war within himself. His hand goes up and he massages his temples and then looks at me. His face is grim and his lips are set in a hard line. He looks like he's going to say something terrible again. I offer him a reassuring smile, hoping he won't break me anymore.

"It's okay Kyoya," I murmur to him as he comes to kneel in front of me. He looks like small child, scared at everything. I look at his eyes and then they change into child-like anger, fierce and unforgiving.

All of a sudden he raises his left hand and I ready myself for a blow. His eyes are dark and it looks like he isn't even thinking anymore. I don't know why he hates me, but I think that's what he really feels about me. He always looks so torn, never really able to choose if he will be my friend or enemy. But maybe if he hits me, all these emotions and this need to help him will go away. I wait for it and the hand swings down in what feels like slow motion.

I close my eyes when the hand will make contact and resolve myself that if he does do this to me, he is not my friend. I don't have to save him. He will hold no power over me. I will not seek him out and make him tell me I'm alright when I'm breaking inside. He will no longer tell me that I look beautiful or make my heart flutter. He will no longer be anything to me.

"I can't."

I open my eyes to find Kyoya broken down just as much as me. His hand caresses my cheek and wipes the tears away that I had missed earlier. I am shocked and look to his eyes to find something. I don't think I've seen the emotion before, well not directed at me. He has tears threatening to burst out of his eyes. I smile widely at him, happy that he didn't make me forget about him. I place my right hand over his on my cheek.

"That's okay. Come here, tell me what's wrong," I say soothingly.. He moves to sit next to me, placing the bento next to him.

"I, I, I don't think I can tell you," he whispers and looks ahead.

"Why not?" I hiss, tired of his games. Well, I'm just tired in general.

"No." Kyoya's aura isn't as much as angry, but scared. I'm not going to get anything out of him.

"Then if I guess, will you tell me if I'm right?" I ask softly.

"I will," he nods after a moment.

I look to the window and watch the cherry blossom tree sway outside. I try to think of what I would be doing if I was in his position. He's always torn between two things. I'm dangerous so, pissing me, saying things like he normally does, would get him a one way ticket to death. But he does do it. If I had to, it would have to be because I was being forced. They want information. That's why he's so suspicious and always with me, watching.

"Someone is making you watch me. You agreed, but now you realize that I'm not going to tell you anything of importance. The person forcing you is angry that you can't make me talk. You're getting punished," I say aloud, making his fears reality.

"Yes." He tenderly and unconsciously fingers his right arm with the left. I look at his eyes, but they're closed, relieving a memory. He was punished.

So I was right. Someone's forcing him and he isn't giving them the goods. He might be in danger if he doesn't bring something back. But I can't be all gung-ho and go after them. He won't tell me who is forcing him; he won't let me help him. But he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. That's why he regretted it. He doesn't want to hurt me. Kyoya doesn't actually hate me, well, not really for me being me but because of his boss.

"But you feel conflicted. You hate me to a certain extent for making your boss angry but at the same time, you can't hurt me."

"Yes."

"That's why you regret your decisions to say these horrible things. Because you yourself can't stand to see me this way, but you say them because you feel like you need to."

"Yes."

"Why can't you hurt me?" I ask, not having that figured out yet. He doesn't answer, but just grabs my right hand with his left.

Kyoya's fingers trace circles on my skin and I shudder in pleasure. He's just holding my hand but his soft palm is soothing. I like its warmth enclosing my small hand, making me feel safe. My heart beats and then flutters with every swirl. There is silence between us and I look to Kyoya. He's staring at me and I blush with the intensity of his gaze. I look away from his eyes, renewed with a look of certainty.

"Because," he starts off and then when I look at him again, he turns away with a blush, "you're my friend."

"Oh," I mutter and I don't know why I feel let down. I sigh and then look off into the distance. Kyoya squeezes my hand and I know that he wants me to ask him something else.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," he murmurs and then resumes the tracing of my skin. "Your hands are so small."

"Who is making you do this?" I ask and he freezes. "You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to."

"I don't think I can," he says again. I nod and then yawn largely. I'm so tired.

"You're right," I chuckle, trying to change the subject and succeeding.

"About what?" he chuckles.

"I shouldn't drink that coffee."

"Why are you drinking coffee anyway?" he asks me with a curious voice. He's back to his normal self and I'm relieved.

"The nightmares have been getting worse," I murmur and yawn again. I can feel Kyoya's hand tighten around me and like holding it. His emotions are directly connected to his hand and I love it.

"Why do you have nightmares?" he asks and I falter.

Do I want to tell him? Should I? He answered most of my questions. Besides, he told me most of his problems. He told me that he's supposed to be spying on me. But he has chosen me over them, with telling me that he is spying. I guess or maybe it's a trick to get me closer to him. As long as I won't say anything incriminating I can talk to him. The nightmares may go away. He can make them go away.

"Did you know that my Pa isn't my birth father?"

"No," he says, surprised. I turn to him and tell part of my story, watching his facial expressions.

"Well he isn't. He adopted me when I was ten. Before that, I was in the foster system; my birth mother dropped me off at a fire station. Orphanages were my homes from that point on. That is until a foster family took me when I was seven. The family was pretty good for the first year but they slowly went down from there. I fell through the cracks in the system. It wasn't the best of situations," I tell him and watch as he frowns deeply.

My free hand unconsciously goes to my back. The scars are burning my back and the memories of hands and being dirty floods me. My mouth opens to tell him about the rest, about what happened in those two horrific years, but it closes. I want to tell him but I can't—not yet at least. I smile an apology and Kyoya seems to understand that I can't tell him yet.

"You can take your time. We have all the time in the world," he reassures me. I smile and then yawn again.

"I'm so tired," I yawn again. Kyoya laughs and I blush at him.

"You should take a nap," he instructs and I shake my head. He doesn't take it for an answer and pulls me into him. Immediately I rest my head on the crook of his shoulder. I want to yank back but he squeezes my hand in retribution.

"Alright, but we have to get to class. I miss too much school already."

"Fine, but answer me one question. Why do you always want to be called Susan? It's been a burning question I want to ask you."

"My birth name wasn't Susan. When my father adopted me, I took the name Crea. But my father also gave me a new name. His grandmother's name was Suzanna. So, to never remember my childhood, I only use Susan."

Then the coffee made me fall asleep. On Kyoya's shoulder while he clutched my hand tightly. His palm was so much smoother than mine. Mine was rough due to countless hours of training. It showed just how different we were. He was a business man, all smooth and calm, never knowing true hardship. I was a gang boss, all rough and hard, tortured and haunted by nightmares. Brought together in blissful sleep due to coffee. But it was really good coffee, so I don't blame it.

* * *

_**Hey everybody. This is going up on an uncommon Saturday. Normally we put this up on Friday or Thursday night. But it's finals week, so I'm going crazy. In addition guess who has two thumbs and is working this summer. This girl! Yay, money. But I'm also taking summer classes. Good thing is that I only have two at the same time. So, I can still write. I'm taking a writing workshop also. So yay. This chapter was mushier, but then I realized, I don't like mushy. We are going to have music in the next chapter and Kasanoda. Comment what musical instrument Kasanoda should play. I was leaning towards Violin but that's only because I had a friend who played violin and he was beautiful at it. Remember, comments make me happy. **_

_**Thank You for reading. Renewing the ownership (I do not own Ouran High School Host Club)**_

_**In addition, follow, fave, review, obsess. Love you guys. **_


	15. The Twinkling of a Voice

**Chapter Fifteen: The Twinkling of a Voice**

* * *

"I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice if I just stopped talking."

― **Laurie Halse Anderson, **_**Speak**_

"When he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night

And pay no worship to the garish sun."

― **William Shakespeare, **_**Romeo and Juliet **_

"I do not want to sleep for fear I might miss the twinkle of the brightest star

for fear I may never know how the moon glimmers, in the darkest hour."

― **Sanober Khan, **_**A touch, a tear, a tempest**_

* * *

"I have to go teach children. I'll start tomorrow and because I won't be there on Monday and Wednesdays, I'll send Kou. Don't worry, you'll be fine without me for one more day," I chide Tamaki.

After the bell rang and signaled the end of the school day, the blonde boy has been following me like a puppy. He's followed me from class to the elementary school side of campus, all the while moaning of how I was supposed to be their personal guard; I agree, but the music job sounds pretty good and I'll have Kou watch them when I'm not there. It wasn't like I could be the Host club's dog or anything like that. That would be ridiculous.

"But you agreed! You can't back out now! Who's going to watch us?!" Tamaki shouts as he runs in front of me. I stop and stare at him.

"I agreed, but never said my starting date. I'll start tomorrow. Today I have to teach and those days I'm with the kids, Kou will watch you. He protects me, I know he'll be able to watch you guys. Next, you've survived without me all this time. The only reason why the girl was even hurt to begin with was because I was there. It was my fault, so you should be okay."

My brain still hasn't let go of the girl. It keeps reminding me that it was my fault. Pushing those thoughts into the back of my mind, I yawn, though I'm no longer tired. Instead, it's merely a nervous twitch with Tamaki being so close. After my nap-which was almost two hours long because Kyoya fell asleep with me-I was rejuvenated. But now there is a flock of butterflies gathered in my stomach. But this flock-is flock the correct term?-was really, really excited.

"But-"

"No 'buts' Tamaki. I'm serious! I'm going to teach. I miss playing the piano, the kids need a teacher, and I need the distraction. This is final and I am walking away now before I have an attack," I proclaim in a stern yet shuddering voice.

My heart was starting to pound and the warm excitement was starting to leave me. Tamaki's face goes pale and he opens his mouth to apologize. I merely walk past him. Taking deep breaths, I clutch the packet in my hands tighter as I make my way to the classroom. I'm five minutes early and before I open the doors to the room, I take a deep breath. This is gonna be fun. I promise. I open the door.

"_Hello, chil_-" I chant but end in a long 'L' sound.

There's no one in the room. My eyes go wide and I check the paper again. No, this is the right room. Where the hell are my children? I just started and I already lost them. Oh my god. How can I lose like twenty kids? All of whom, I memorized their names and instruments. I start hyperventilating. This is so bad. I'm a terrible teacher. This is so not fun, it's scary!

"Uh, excuse me," a small voice says at my side and I jump at the sound.

"Uhhhh."

The girl is small and wears the pink elementary uniform. I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, having taken off my hoodie earlier. Her hair is brown and gathered into two low ponytails in front. I stare at her brown eyes and realize she's one of my students. Her name was Hana, no, no, that's not right. Hina! Yep, she's Hina Kamishiro, 5th grade, piano, above average, concert ready, and regular attendance.

"Are you the new teacher?" she asks softly and gives me a wide smile. I smile back at her, calming myself.

"Yes. Is this the room you guys normally hold practice in?" I ask, and try to appear as non-gangsterish as possible. The girl nods and then goes into the room and takes a seat at the desk in the front.

For the first time, I look at the room I'm standing in. There's three rows of desks, crammed with chairs, to allow the space for the pianos scattered on the corners of the room. There are five pianos total, four being baby grands, while the one at the front an ivory grand. I go to the largest piano and tenderly touch its something cold surface. More kids shuffle in and I watch as they bring their cases with them.

Some kids lay their cases between the pianos, stands already brought to their short heights to hold their music. I watch them come in, sitting on my piano seat, playing with the middle c key. It made a beautiful sound and the kids all stopped their movements. I froze also, but in happiness at hearing the familiar chord. I smile and internally thank the piano teacher for buying the beautiful grand Steinway.

"Miss!" a shy voice called from the back of the room, "Are you the new teacher?"

I spied the young boy, setting up his clarinet, large glasses overpowering his small face. His name is, uh, Kan. He plays clarinet, 5th grade, average for his age, concert ready if prepared, and regular attendee. I set my papers on the desk next to my piano and look to the stand ready for a taller player. Where is that other student?

"Yes," I reply to Kan. I notice that everyone is just about here, so I stand and look to them. My heart beats full of excitement. "I am Susan-san, you're new instructor. As you well know, your previous instructor has an opportunity to play around the world, so the Vice Principal is allowing me to teach you. To answer the general questions you may have circling your brains: yes I'm a high school student; yes my specialty is piano; no I'm not mean; yes there will be another instructor coming. If you have any other questions, now is the time, so speak up."

I watched as they all rustled in their seats, unsure of what to say. I fix my socks under my skirt and wait patiently. They're going to have questions. Most of which are going to be about why I have a tattoo on my neck and what are the metal items on my face. Next we're going to have the questions about if I'm any good. I left my last name out on purpose, not wanting them to run home and tell their parents a gang boss is watching their children. Slowly but surely, a hand goes up and I nod in recognition.

"So what are the things on your lips?" a small 4th grader asks, sitting with his small violin.

"Piercings. Next question."

"And on your ears?" a fourth grade girl asks me from my right, sheet music clutched in her tiny hands.

"Again, piercings. Next question." A hand goes up and I notice its Kan and he isn't certain. I decide to say the response to his question, never having been voiced, "On my neck is a tattoo."

"You look like a thug," a harsh whisper comes and all the kids go stiff.

I sigh and turn my head to the culprit. It comes from a honey-haired fifth grader. He was listed as one of the problem children in the manual. His name is Shiro Takaoji, piano player, slightly below average talent, not concert ready in the least, and skips quite often. It also said he lacks a filter. I sigh and look to the boy with a sad look. Reminds me of Vito, but I can't straighten him out like I did Vito-a good knock to the head and some threatening.

"You have the mouth of a thug, Shiro," I reply and watch as his face goes red with anger. The other students look at me surprised. The boy goes to open his mouth but I beat him to it, taking on an ominous tone. "I am going to say this once and only once Shiro, close your mouth when you have the urge to snap at people. Just because I look like a thug doesn't mean I am, therefore do not judge people by the way they look. Just like how I won't judge your bad attitude as compensation for your sub-par playing."

"Stop it you ugly-" the small boy roars, but I hiss before he can end his insult. I have to break him down.

"Don't go on with that. I am the best you're going to get under these circumstances. If you don't want to be here, you don't have to be. But your fellow students want to be here and as mean as I may appear right now, I want to be here. Please don't take this away from everyone else Shiro, please don't be mean."

There is a slight silence where I just look at Shiro with an apologetic smile and he stares back with a white hot glare. I don't want to humiliate him in front of everyone and I don't want to be the bad guy, but he can't say these things in front of the others. They need to believe in me and Shiro will just have to learn to respect me like his teacher before-even if that relationship was riddled with slight insults every now and then. Shiro finally huffs and turns away. I guess that's the best I'll get out of him.

"Are you good?" Hina asks quietly in front of me, breaking the tense silence. I nod and smile a large smile at her. She smiles back and I look to the door. Looks like that other kid isn't coming. I sigh and then begin with the lesson I had planned. Sitting on my piano chair, I fold my hands and look to the kids.

"Alright guys. Since my specialty is piano, our first assignment is to learn the basic facts about piano playing. Now I know that only a third of you are piano players, but for this assignment, we're going to prepare a piece in pairs, trios or quartets, with at least one of those being a piano. So accompaniment pieces is the objective. This is to prepare you guys if you'll compete with a piano accompaniment or if you'll accompany a friend in a competition. So, to kick this off, who can tell me the five most recognized piano pieces?"

I see hands go up to answer my questions but they're shattered by the rough opening of the door. I turn around on my chair, ready to snap at the other kid for coming late, only to be surprised. I hold my tongue and watch as in walks Charming. His red hair is all over the place and he's holding two music cases in his hands. He's sweating profusely and at the moment, merely breathing hard whilst staring at the ground. When he turns to me, his brown eyes go wide and I feel my heart skip a beat as his face makes a small smile.

"Susan?" he asks between two hard breaths, smile getting larger.

"_Charming_," I reply with a slight smile and I'm suddenly very happy that he's the other student.

"Sorry I'm late. I didn't have my instruments and the guys took way too long trying to find them in my room," he replies, standing tall and looking towards the children.

He freezes and I can see that large crowds might not be his forte. They aren't mine either, but I can deal with children and my gang-those being the only two groups who I don't have to worry are trying to kill me and possibly succeeding. His body looks as if it'll start shaking at any moment and I slowly stand, walking to him. He doesn't notice me, too engulfed in his mind when place a hand on his arm. He jumps into the air like I did with Hina, but he turns to look down at me. I smile reassuringly and his eyes seem to sparkle. Turning away, I see the kids with funny smiles.

"Alright guys," I sudden whisper to Charming, "what's your first name?"

"Ritsu," he whispers back and it sounds nice as it rolls off his tongue.

"This is our second instructor, Ritsu-san. Now that you're here, we were just starting our lesson of pianos and accompanying instruments, but we may hold off for a second. Do you want to ask Ritsu-san your questions about him now or later?"

"They can ask me never," Charming suddenly blanches at me. I nod and then take my hand off of his arm to return to my piano. I sit and start the lesson once again, Charming getting his instruments out.

"Alright, back to my question. What are the five most recognized piano pieces? You can just shout them out, no need to be too formal. Shiro already broke that atmosphere." Shiro's grunt of dislike was heard and I snickered softly.

"Moonlight Sonata!"

"That is correct. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata is one of the most famous and recognized pieces in history. Its real name is Piano Sonata Number 14 in C sharp minor, number 2. But Moonlight Sonata just sounds better. It's brooding and expressive, and has a heavy melody in the low bass line. And though it is fairly easy to learn, to play it perfectly is the real difficulty."

I turn from facing the children and place my hands on the keys. The ivory keys stare back at me and all of a sudden I feel scared. What if I can't play it? What if my hands aren't able to play anymore? I'll let them down. The kids start to stare at me and I could feel their wondering looks. Ritsu also was staring at my back, but it felt different. His gaze felt empowering and I took a chance and looked back at him. He was standing, holding a violin in his large hands, but his eyes were warm and his smile, small but kind.

I took a deep breath and willed my hands to move. They began to play and I had to hold back the shriek of joy. The piece started off at a slow pace but that made it possible for my hands to get warmed up. As the triplets started with the left hand, my mind settled into playing and found myself giving it all my emotions. By the time I ended the piece, losing myself in the music, I looked to the others to find the kids were amazed. But that wasn't the hardest piece to come.

"So what's the next piece?" I ask turning to the children, their faces glowing.

"Clair de lune!"

"Fur Elise!"

The two voices come from the twins in the back. They're some of the youngest in the club but they are both extraordinarily good flute players. I smile at them, both girls giving me identical sunny smiles back. I nod and the turn to my piano. I finger the higher keys and play Debussy first. It's light and romantic, a true impression is piece. My hands begin to shake halfway through and I know I have to end it early.

I let my hands rest for a second and then begin Beethoven. It's a faster piece and I am beginning to struggle with my hands. They're not as light and I know it doesn't sound as good as it used to be. I end the piece and give a small huff of displeasure to myself. When I look to the kids, they wash away my slight anxiety. Their shining faces stare at me and I begin to wonder if that teacher could play. He never mentioned he still could in the papers. But that would be something I wouldn't tell others in a letter, so I can never tell.

"Clair de Lune by Debussy was the first number and it is played in many movies. It's seen as romantic and if you listen closely enough you can hear the stars falling out of the night sky," I say triumphantly. Ritsu chuckles next to me as all the children give slight awes.

"I didn't hear it," Shiro remarks haughtily. I turn my gaze on him from behind my piano and smirk.

"Well then you must be in love. Only the voice of a true love would make you deaf to the sounds of the stars," I remark in a joking tone.

It's something my Pa said a long time ago and I believe it whole heartedly. Shiro goes red in the face and I wonder if it's because I teased him too much. I turn away to look at Ritsu to find he's looking at the floor with a confused look. He must not have heard the twinkling either. I can feel my face scrunch up into a frown and I look back at Shiro to see him staring at Hina. Something must be going on there. I don't know what but I'm sure to find out.

"The next one was Beethoven again, right?" Kan asks shakily.

I nod and give him a reassuring smile. He averts his eyes and fixes his glasses, his black bangs trying to hide his face. He's nervous poor thing. Looks kinda like how I am with people. I feel bad for him and suddenly make it my mission to have Kan as comfortable here as possible. Putting a hair behind my ear, I smile even wider.

"So the next was Fur Elise by Beethoven. Some of you might be starting to play it if not have already mastered it. Beethoven's pieces are universally known and the constant eighth notes weave in and out of each other to make a beautiful piece. What's next?"

"Chopin's piano sonata number two?" Hina asks from her place. She knows it's right and I'm surprised she called it the formal name. But then again she is a pianist.

"That is correct. Others know it as the funeral march. It is ominous, downright scary when played correctly and is very well known. The trick with this is you can't rush the piece. It has to be slow. Timing is going to be one of the things you'll have trouble with in your groups. You'll want to play at your speed but you can't. At least not like you're used to."

I begin the piece and find my hands are getting better, the slow piece making my hands easier to control. I can feel the piece rack through me and suddenly bad memories flood into my brain. I try to kick them out but know I have to stop the piece to make them go away. I feel the music too heavily sometimes. My hands tremble with emotions as I play on.

"And who can tell me the last one?" I ask when I finish.

I can see the kids were beginning to feel the piece with me. None answer so I turn to Charming. His face is scrunched as he tries to think. I smile and wait for him to come up with something. During that time I study how he stands. He's taller than me but not by that much. His long legs lead up to a messy shirt and although his stance is open, he seems secretive. That and most people would find his aura scary. I'm used to it and want to laugh at his concentrated look. I find it adorable. Wait, what?

"Something by Mozart? I can hear the piece but I just can't name it," Charming says abruptly. I jolt slightly, hoping I don't get caught staring at him. He isn't paying attention rather his eyes are clenched shut in concentration.

"How about this?" I ask as I begin to play rondo alla turca.

I begin to play the piece and find my hands won't last through it anymore. It's playful and I wish I could still play it like I used to. Halfway through I stumble on a part and hiss to myself. My thumb clenches and then is locked to a point I can't move it. I continue on, my thumb painfully hitting the keys. I can say that until I finish a minute later, I don't miss a beat. But at the price of finishing the piece, I know I won't be able to play for a couple days. I finish, sweat gathered slightly at my forehead. The kids all clap and I wonder if they noticed I messed up. Surely they had.

"You're great Susan-sensei!" Hina mutters.

I get up and feel my hands tremble in pain. I smile through it and bow for them. The kids clap louder and a blush comes to my face. I hide my hands behind my back and feel them spasm. Why did I ever have to break them? A hand touches my arm and I watch Ritsu as he stares at me with a furrowed brow. He looks behind me at my hands and I fold them together behind me, knowing my secret has been let out. He frowns worriedly and I turn away.

"So now that I'm done with the playing, I want you guys to find your groups. You must have at least one piano in each piece, if not come to me and I will assign you a group. Thank you for listening to me play, I know I'm a little rusty."

The kids all smile and turn to each other to find a group. I watch as Shiro approaches Hina, talking in whispers. The twins soon find a doe-eyed young girl and the groups collectively move to the baby grands scatter in the back. Making sure Kan finds someone, I feel Ritsu grab my hands. He pulls my thumb the wrong way and I swallow a yelp of pain.

"Don't say anything in front of them, I don't want them to know," I whisper.

He nods and his brown eyes bore into me. I rip my hand back and look up at him. He's worried and I feel my heart clench with sadness at him worrying. I'm fine. It doesn't hurt too badly. Looking back to the kids, I see little clusters except for one lone boy: Kan. He sits with his clarinet, fiddling with the buttons. Charming must catch my look because he waves the small boy over.

"Is something wrong?" I ask Kan. His eyes are wide behind his glasses and I swear he looks like he's going to cry.

"I don't have a group," he whispers and it breaks my heart. I look to Ritsu and he seems like he doesn't get where my thought process is going. I give him a pleading look and he finally catches on, giving me a 'don't you dare' look.

"Well you can be in a group with us then," I tell him excitedly. Kan fixes his glasses and then gives us the widest smile ever.

"Really," he peeps and I can see Ritsu open his mouth to object. I quickly pinch him with my messed up thumb. It hurts both of us. The redhead jumps, gives me a slightly dirty look and then stares at Kan.

"Yah," Ritsu mutters with an angry glare. .

But it changes when Kan leaps at him. The small boy hugs Ritsu and I wonder why this boy would ever think it was okay to hug someone. I mean, no Japanese person hugged me when I first met them. Well except maybe Kou. No, no he hugged me after two days. So nope.

"Go home and search for some pieces we can play with piano, violin and clarinet. Okay?" I ask as the boy suddenly rips himself from Ritsu. Ritsu looks startled and I pinch him again.

"Would you stop that?" the redhead exclaims and his face crinkles into a scary expression.

Kan immediately hides behind me and I can feel the atmosphere change into a big ball of fear. But I can't help laughing when Ritsu's face turns blood red with embarrassment from Kan's hug. I burst into laughter and wipe the corners of my eyes, biting my piercing to stop the noise. The kids immediately calm and I turn to them, putting an arm around Kan protectively.

"You're dismissed for today. Find some pieces you want to try out by next class. See you guys later."

"Thank you," the children chant and I can't help but feel that they're like my gang. I release Kan and watch as the kids pack up quickly, possibly scared of Charming losing his shit.

"Flute," comes the voice next to mine and I turn to Charming to see him embarrassed once again. "I also play flute."

"Okay!" Kan says cheerily and goes to retrieve his instrument.

The kids all pile out a second later, Kan stopping to nod goodbye. Then the room is quiet and I sigh deeply. I'm emotionally exhausted and it wasn't even an hour. My hands are clenched and they feel tense. I pull them in front of me to see my right thumb still jammed. Preparing myself, I take a deep breath and take hold of it with my left hand. Releasing the breath I pull it out. The finger gives a slight popping noise and I huff with the feeling of the throbbing joint.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Charming squeals and I just giggle at him, biting my piercing in pain.

"Fixing it," I reply with a tired smile. My heart starts to beat rapidly with the realization we're alone. My hands start to sweat and I go to collect my papers.

"How long have they been like that? Your hands I mean?" the boy asks in a small whisper.

"What else would you be talking about?" I say nervously, my hands shaking in the papers. Charming comes a second later and is at my side, collecting the papers for me.

"What?"

"You said 'your hands I mean'. What else would you be talking about other than my hands? I mean, they're the only part of me that's bad." I'm rambling, my heart pounding. But surprisingly, I can still breathe.

"You don't have to tell me," he backpedals with an apprehensive voice. I sigh and rub my hands together, my right thumb sore.

"No it's fine. I broke them a year ago, haven't played until today. I guess I just over exerted them. They'll get better," I tell him. He hands me the papers and gives me a doubtful look.

"How'd you break them?"

"I saved people," I reply vaguely.

He gives me a confused look and scratches his head. I tuck my hair behind my ear and look down. Suddenly Charming's hand is on my ear. It's warm as he traces the piercings, hand lingering on the industrial. I can feel his long fingers trail down each of my piercings and then sit behind my ear where it meets the skin of my hairline. I shiver and suddenly swallow a moan. My eyes go wide as I realize I was going to let such an awkward noise come out of my mouth. I slap his hand away and take a step back, knocking over the piano chair.

"Sorry!" Ritsu shouts and then turns as red as his hair. I hyperventilate slightly with my own embarrassment. "I was curious."

"_Curiosity killed the cat,_" I whisper in English and suddenly felt deja vu.

There is silence for a couple of seconds and I don't dare look at Ritsu. My brain is running a thousand miles an hour with useless things. Things like if I should stop calling him Charming or if it's hard to play the flute or how I might have an ear fetish or how that's better than a foot fetish. Not that I have anything wrong against foot fetishes—to each his own and all that crapshoot. I suddenly come back to reality and somehow miss the warmth of his hand on my ear. Movement is in front of me and I find Ritsu—let's stick with his first name for now—picking up the chair. He doesn't meet my eyes and now I have the idea he hates my piercings.

"Do you not like them? My piercings I mean?" I blurt out and then turn away. The movement ceases and it's quiet for a second.

"No. I really like them. I was thinking of getting some, but I know they won't look anywhere as cool as yours," he replies in a strong voice. Jerking my head, I look at him to find him deadly serious. I can feel a shocked expression come to my face and I turn away. My heart is hot and my chest clenches as a large grin comes to my face.

"You're the first person to not hate them."

"Well you're the first person not scared of me, so I guess we're just two weirdoes," Ritsu murmurs with a snort. I giggle and can feel my heart stop racing. Instead it's replaced with the feeling of a flock of butterflies in my stomach.

"Yah, I guess so. Just two musical weirdoes."

There was a silence that was somehow calming that descended upon us. I watched Ritsu gather his violin and place it back into its case. The case itself was more used and I wondered if he played often. Massaging my right hand, I found that it was recovering. Maybe I would be able to play on Wednesday, or maybe I should just wait and not strain them. Looking at Ritsu, I know I won't be able to play on Wednesday. He'll be too worried for me and I hate to see him worked up like that. He worries too much.

But I am glad he's the other teacher. I couldn't have hoped for anyone better. He lets me lead the class but at the same time, he makes me laugh. Have I laughed like I have today since coming to this country? Maybe. Since coming to this school? No. Kyoya even said that I never truly laughed in front of him. But I can laugh in front of Ritsu. He doesn't make me nervous, well, not as nervous as others. I can be me with him; well, as much of me I can be around an outsider.

"What you smiling at? It's kinda creeping me out," the deep voice shatters my musings. I can feel a large smile on my face and it transforms into a shy one at being caught so happy. Ritsu's face is pulled together in a suspicious look and it would frighten a normal person.

"I was just thinking," I reply, as I get my bag.

Ritsu gives a noise of doubt—something between a snort and a 'mhhhm'. I snort at his crossed arm stance and look at his crumpled uniform. His shirt is untucked and he doesn't wear a tie. His yellow sweater is wrinkled and his blazer isn't pressed. In short he looks like a hot mess. I shake my head. He is just too adorable. Wait, what? The boy turns and I push back any thoughts of how adorable he might be into my mind in a box labeled 'unwanted emotions that could potentially get us into big trouble'.

"So when will the kids play their pieces? Next week?" Ritsu chimes in and I startle. My heart pounds in my chest and I try to keep down the blush coming into my face. He holds open the door for our exit and I rush past him.

"No I thought two weeks. Some kids are concert ready if we prepare and I was thinking that next week we can see which competitions are coming up. Are you free on the weekends to go with me and them to competitions?" I ask in a semi-hysterical, semi-excited voice. I place the backpack flat on my back and try to maintain a steady breathing pattern.

"Why are you trying so hard with them? Aren't we just supposed to watch them?" the boy asks in a confused tone. I begin walking to the front of the school, to where Kou is most likely freaking out.

"We could, but their other teacher only did that. Don't you think they should be able to do more in the club than practice? If you wanted to practice, you would practice at home. I want them to have more fun than that. I want to prepare them," I whisper, suddenly scared he'll tell me I'm wrong. I know I'm not, but it would hurt to hear I was silly. There is silence and I take a deep breath to ready for the blow.

"Alright, we can do that. If you want to have them go to competitions, I'll come with you. Promise," Ritsu says and I stop walking to look at him. I clutch my straps of my backpack harder in my hands. I look at his brown eyes and they stare back at me with warmth. He's like the sun, I think suddenly. He's full of warmth and you feel empty without it, so you always come back.

"You don't have to promise," I whisper, a blush coming to my face with my thoughts.

"Yah but you're so excited. I would hate to see you sad when you obviously want to help the kids. I'm just glad you're the other teacher. You made those kids so happy today and I know I could never do that on my own and I highly doubt another kid would play for them until their hands were in pain. So yah, I promise to go with you."

Ritsu spoke truthfully in a strong voice and I could discern a red blush in his ears. After his speech he rubbed the back of his head and I had the sudden urge to touch his hair again. But he'll freak out and then I'll be embarrassed. A smile played at my lips and I unleashed it, my snakebites hurting with how large it was. Tears almost sprung from my eyes. Ritsu is a good person and he told me I was right. He promised to go with me. My chest hurt so much and the butterflies were bursting from their cage in my stomach.

"Thank you. I'm glad you're the teacher with me too."

Then as the tears fell from my eyes, I ran away. I don't even think Ritsu knew what happened. I didn't either. But what I did know was that we were just two musical weirdoes, teaching a bunch of kids, and he was making me feel so happy that I was scared. Scared of what might happen if I could be happy like this forever. Because everyone knows, gang lords can never be happy. It's a weakness.

* * *

Ritsu Kasanoda could hardly make sense of what just happened. Was Susan crying? Did he make her cry? Why exactly was she happy he was the teacher? Why did he volunteer to use his weekends helping small children whom he did not like at all? But most of all: why was Susan **crying**?

The boy stood in the middle of the hall and watched her retreating back move swiftly in escape. He thought she must run away quite often if she could make such a smooth getaway. But as she rounded the corner, he caught sight of the tattoo on the back of her neck. The girl had cut her hair and revealed the symbol underneath. It was a reminder to him and he had been staring at it almost all class.

More questions circled the young lord's mind. Was that a gang tattoo? He was sure it was some sort of yakuza but couldn't name the gang. He tried to stay out of his father's business, in case his father wanted to remain boss for a very long time. Ritsu couldn't have cared less about being the gang's boss, but he knew that it was his fate to become the Lord of Kasanoda-gumi. The intimidating boy started to walk through the halls, musing how he would one day become a gang lord.

He was prepared. His face did most of the work for him, scaring even his own men quite frequently. But Susan had seemed to be immune to his harsh glares. She said she wasn't afraid of him. A smile came to his face and he wondered how a small girl could ever not be afraid of him. Instead, she laughed in his face and carried on with her day, like he couldn't scare the devil himself. She was special.

It was this exact fact that had made her a constant factor in Ritsu Kasanoda's thoughts. Since the girl was a crying wheezing mess, who held onto him as she counted to ten in an attempt to calm herself, Ritsu could only think of how he had wanted to meet her again. And behold, his prayers were answered when she popped up as the other instructor. But at the same time, it worried him to see her in pain. Her hands were twitching and then she popped her finger out of the socket with nothing louder than a hard breath.

Then she said that again she protected people. Who would she be protecting? Was she a bodyguard for a yakuza? She must have gang affiliations if she could endure that immense pain and then shrug it off like it was nothing. Her tattoo made her a gang's property and he had the sudden thought she might be the gang's mistress. But no, she said she protected people—that's a bodyguard. That and if she broke both her hands, the person she must be guarding is high in the ranks. Though she looked nothing like a gangster when she would blush.

Her blush would cover her entire face and illuminate her eyes. They were a beautiful green. Ritsu thought often of how they looked like emeralds but they just weren't pretty. Her eyes were wise. They had seen things, things that Ritsu was certain he had never seen before. They were the eyes of a warrior and that scared him. If she really was a bodyguard, she would have killed—well most likely, if her hands were broken and she was still alive. But at the same time, when she smiled, those same eyes were so innocent and childlike. She was beautiful.

She was innocent. Ritsu stopped and looked down the empty hall. He walked too far in his distracted state. This was near the place where he first met Susan. Those other girls had cornered her and she looked so small and fragile. She was so many things he wanted to protect. She was tiny but fearless, fragile but so strong; she was someone who protected but was someone he wanted to save; she was tainted when she was looking out into the world but so innocent when she smiled at him.

Ritsu didn't understand why she was any of these things, but he wanted to talk to her more. He wanted to know just who Susan was. Ritsu could feel his heart skip a beat as he thought of how he would see Susan again on Wednesday and how she would be happy to see him. Then he thought of how these competitions and if he could get to know Susan more. He was so curious and being with Susan made him so happy.

Ritsu began to walk back the way he came, having gotten slightly lost. There was a bounce to his step and a content smile on his face, but those ended with the realization that maybe he shouldn't have Susan get too close to him. He was in a gang, a rival gang from her at that. He shouldn't make her choose her gang for him. But she couldn't be so far in yet. She was still in high school. He could get her out. He could make her part of his gang, make her one of his.

He would protect her. He knew that even though he would be a gang boss, that wouldn't mean he could never be happy. His main objective was to make her happy. He would protect her so well, that she wouldn't be his weakness. She would always smile like she did today at him. He would protect her, get her out of whatever trouble she was in. She would be free. She could be with him forever. Susan was the first to not be afraid of him, and he would do everything to make her happy.

Ritsu couldn't tell what he was feeling. He only knew that he wanted to get to know Susan. He would help her if she needed it. They would be two musical weirdoes together and they would be happy. They would be happy, having each other from the bullies and from the loneliness. Ritsu settled that he would be Susan's friend. That was all he could say for the moment. His own thoughts being so foreign to him.

Ritsu Kasanoda turned down the hall and bumped into a body. The person was only slightly taller than him and maybe a year older. The raven-haired boy had a scowl on his face and adjusted his glasses. When he looked at Ritsu his lip curled into a dark sneer and Ritsu flinched internally. The boy said nothing and Ritsu walked away thinking for a second of how rude the other boy was. But those thoughts didn't last long. Instead they returned to a pierced lipped brunette who was a mystery to the redhead.

"I think I want to be her friend," Ritsu muttered to himself as he locked his fingers behind his head.

But this is wrong, he wanted to be so much more. Because Ritsu Kasanoda, even though he didn't know it yet, couldn't hear the stars twinkling while Susan played. He heard the stars twinkling in her voice.

* * *

**Hey everybody! I hope you all are doing well with classes and that you pass all of your exams. If you already had exams, regardless of whatever you got, I'm proud you made it through. Sometimes that's all that matters. As for this chapter, I wanted to emphasize how Susan and Ritsu do act very similarly but their knowledge of gangs and their duties as leaders are different. Happiness is a weakness for Susan because she knows that sometimes she won't be able to protect everyone. That and she hasn't been happy in a long time, so she's scared. For Ritsu he doesn't understand what might happen if he had someone that was close to him when he's boss. But at the end of the day, they both make each other happy. But will they actually be happy forever? Or will she choose Kyoya? She said he meant something to her. What does that mean? (I don't even know anymore) (actually I don't even know who I want to win her heart now)**

**For instruments, Ritsu can play both violin and flute. He'll play both and we'll get backstory for why he's so musical. KAN = cinnamon bun who is too good for this world. I am going to make such a sad but cute backstory for him. I had this thought that Ritsu, Susan and Kan will be like a small domestic family kinda thing. It's going to be so cute. I'm excited. I hope you guys are ready for Renge in the next chapter. She's going to be such a (excuse the sweary-ness in this chapter) bitch. So yay. I'm excited, you're hopefully excited. I thank every one of your comments. They make me so happy. That and we're in the 100k word zone so yay. I'm so happy. Thank you for reading!**

**I love you guys! Remember to follow, fave, review, obsess! :)**

**Songs in this chapter:**

**Ludwig van Beethoven, "Moonlight Sonata"**

**Claude Debussy, "Clair de lune"**

**Ludwig van Beethoven, "Für Elise"**

**Frederic Chopin, "March Funèbre"**

**Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, "Rondo alla turca"**


	16. Take Me to Where I Belong

**Chapter Sixteen: Take me to Where I Belong**

* * *

"**I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance."**

― **Beryl Markham, **_**West with the Night**_

"**She didn't belong anywhere and she never really belonged to anyone. And everyone else belonged somewhere and to someone. People thought she was too wonderful. But she only wanted to belong to someone. People always thought she was too wonderful to belong to them or that something too wonderful would hurt too much to lose. And that's why she liked him- because he just thought she was crazy."**

― **C. JoyBell C.**

* * *

"Alright, now a little to the left," I instruct.

The men who are currently moving the large black granite stone are barely hanging on. The large memorial stone came in this morning and I am arranging it in the garden. The names of those I have lost will go on that stone, carved and painted in the cracks with white, surrounded by roses of all colors. The stone itself sits at almost six feet high and I can feel the emotions run through me. I can't tell if they're happy because they'll be recognized or they're sad that I had to lose men in the first place.

"Susan-sama! You're going to be late for school! We have to leave!" Kou yells from inside the house. I roll my eyes at his panicked tone. He probably thinks I'm still getting dressed.

"I'm out here, have Fu bring the car around!" I shout back to him and fix my black above the knee socks. I chose not to wear tights today seeing as the weather is getting warmer and I don't like sweating in them.

Kou bursts out of the house and I can hear the patio doors rattle with his anxious manner. The men have finally moved my stone to the position that I want it and I nod to them. They leave and go back to whatever they were doing before. Kou is suddenly behind me and hugs me. He's relieved and so delighted. Today was the first day that I didn't wake up screaming. That didn't mean that I didn't suffer with the nightmares, but only that he didn't know about them.

"Can we do something fun this weekend?" Kou asks, laying his head on my shoulder. He had a growth spurt and now only Hana stands shorter than me.

"What do you wanna do?" I ask, picturing what color roses would go where. Kou's arms tighten around my waist and I know that if an outsider saw us like this, they would suppose we were lovers.

"Our club has to be checked on. Fu said something about the total income being short. We can go dancing!"

I can hear his tone go from whimsical to extremely excited in a second, but why is he being like this? He normally hugs me and he'll touch me a lot, but this is a little excessive. He never would ask to go out, let alone to our club which is packed with members and higher clientele. Maybe he doesn't feel well and is delirious. I thought that since I didn't scream at him this morning, he would feel better. I spin in his arms and come face to face with the boy.

"Susan-sama?" Kou asks, a confused look coming to his face.

"Shhhh, I'm thinking," I reply.

I grab his chin and make him look at me. Staring at him, I reflect on my actions. I don't think I hurt him, so it must be something else. Maybe he wants to leave. Or maybe he's angry that I am going to have him guarding the host club on the days that I teach the children. I stare into Kou's inky eyes, his large orbs telling me secrets. He looks sad, worried. But this isn't like the worry that he has when I'm sick or wounded. This is a soul-eating worry.

"Susan-sama, we have to go," he whispers and I shake my head.

"Why are you worried?"

"I'm not."

"Don't lie Kou," I hiss a little too harsh. I hope I didn't scare him. The boy looks into my eyes and tears gather in his. I tilt my head and hug him, his arms still around my waist. "Kou, you can tell me anything okay. You don't have to be scared, I'm right here and I'll help you with whatever you need."

"I'm scared you'll forget about us," he chokes out. I rub his back and he starts to cry. He's sensitive and overthinks. But I have learned that I need him, so I need to accept him with all of his flaws.

"Why would I forget about you? You're my best friend. You're my gang, my family," I coo into his hair. They boy shudders and I can feel him cry harder. I can see the twins to the side of us and I shake my head, letting them know to leave us alone. They disappear in the next second.

"Because-because, you're getting all of these new friends and now you're teaching children and guarding people and you don't have to be with us because they protect you. All you do is get hurt when you're with us and why wouldn't you want to leave the gang. You can have a normal life, one without you screaming and taking vitamins for wounds people should never get," Kou rants.

So that's it. I stroke his back and wait for him to stop choking on his own breaths. He thinks I'll leave the gang. He thinks that I won't come back one day. It's not unheard of. When gang members find a way out, they sometimes leave. But how could I ever leave? Kou is so stupid sometimes.

"Idiot," I swear. Kou lifts his head and I look at him and wipe the tears away. "I won't ever leave you. I'm too far in to leave the gang. But that's beside the point, I feel normal here. I don't feel normal out there when I'm guarding the host club or when I'm teaching children. Sure, it's fun and all, but I can't stand the thought of being without my family. I love you. I won't ever leave you, no matter what."

"You sure? You were ranting and raving about playing the piano and that new teacher you were with yesterday," he says while sucking in air through his nose. I blush slightly when I realize I was totally talking Kou's ear off about Ritsu yesterday.

"Buy me a piano here and I'll play for you all you want. And just because I had fun out there doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to come back. This is where I belong and anywhere else would feel weird. I will always come back, just trust me," I promise Kou. I ruffle his hair a bit and then hug him again. He needs the reassurance. I let go of Kou a moment later when I feel a person's presence at my side.

"Susan-sama, we're late," Haru's voice comes at my back. The poor guy hasn't been able to meet my gaze since I saw him with his neck full of hickies. I turn to look at the tall man and he blushes back as he avoids my gaze.

"It's alright, I don't have test or anything. The only thing happening today is that I have to go guard those damn hookers," I murmur with a bitter smile. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the job, it'll only worry Kou more.

"You'll have fun. If not, you can come home and we can figure something out for them," Kou reassures but again makes me realize that he worries about me coming home. I nod.

"Of course. This is where I belong," I announce as I turn from our memorial garden.

And this place is where I belong. No one could ever tell me otherwise. My gang makes me feel safe and I never have to worry about being hurt when I'm with them. I'm scared that maybe I have fallen into a lull of security. I used to be so afraid of betrayal and I wouldn't have wanted to be this close to anyone. But here I am, smiling and laughing at my men for loving me or being embarrassed or getting mildly concerned with my snarky teenage self. I have friends and I teach children and I am somewhat normal student.

For the first time in my life, I feel right and no one could take this away from me. At least, I hope they wouldn't be able to.

* * *

The bell rings and the world feels like it's moving in slow motion. I was starting to get nervous about guarding the Host Club and being with the hookers in general. But now I have to do it. I actually could feel Kyoya checking me throughout the day. I had to stay in for lunch because I missed the entire first period and Honda-sensei was kind enough to go over the lesson with me, but now I have to do the inevitable.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?"

I look up at the cool voice but it has become warmer throughout the time I have known it. Kyoya stands next to me as I sit in my desk, still petrified with the idea that I have to go watch squealing girls. I finger my gun and look back down at my desk. I'm scared. I'm scared but at the same time, my heart clenches with Kyoya's close proximity.

"I think I'm scared," I whisper to him. The classroom is empty and he sits in the chair in front of me.

"Why are you scared?" he murmurs as he leans on my desk.

We're close and I bite my lip with my pounding heart. He doesn't seem to be suspicious and I'm glad. Since he told me that he was watching me yesterday, I don't feel him as suspicious. His eyes are curious and he smiles a closed smile to reassure me. I'm glad he isn't suspicious anymore. But that still won't mean that I'll tell him gang stuff. I sigh and give him a half-hearted smile.

"What if I can't protect you like I should? What if I can't stand the looks that people will give me? What if you get hurt?" I ask him quietly. Silently, Kyoya cocks his head.

"I wouldn't think you would doubt your abilities," he replies. I tilt my head and take in a deep breath.

"Of course I do. Everyone does, including you. You doubt your abilities to please your boss and I doubt my abilities to keep everyone safe all the time," I say loudly, the timidity leaving my voice. I give him a halfway angry smile and when he raises his brows, I roll my eyes. He's beginning to piss me off. When I stick my tongue out at him after he chuckles, he straightens in his chair.

"There she is," he says triumphantly. What? I must have said that out loud because he continues. "You should always believe in yourself. You're amazing at what you do. Some things you're pretty bad at, like, talking to people and making friends and assuming the best in people. But this, this is what you're the best at. And don't think that I won't protect you if something happens. The girls only need protection. We can take care of ourselves for the most part. You'll be fine."

"Yah right. Like you could actually protect me," I snort at him as I get up and swing my backpack onto my back. Grabbing my board, I find him still sitting. He's watching me carefully and has a small frown gracing his perfect lips.

"I will. You're special and someone has to protect you," he replies smoothly as he rises.

I'm surprised. Who would have thought the boy who is suspicious, who is supposed to be watching me and getting information to potentially throw me in jail, would want to protect me. It's actually absurd. Of course at the same time I am overjoyed. He sees me as someone to protect and while I could view it as the fact that he thinks I'm really not capable, he also said I'm the best at protecting. I smile a bright smile at him and blush to my ears. My heart pounds and I can feel my hand sweat slightly.

"Thank you," I whisper even though I could yell it out to the world and no one would even hear. Kyoya looks shocked and he comes closer to me and peers down into my eyes. He grabs a loose strand of hair and tucks it behind my ear.

"I like your hair short," he whispers back.

I can discern a blush flowing through his ears. My heart skips a beat when he gives me a true smile back. His thumb goes to my forehead and I can swear he's leaning into me. I can feel the heels of my feet rise and I observe his pale soft lips. I wish I had a hand free to run it through his hair, wondering if it's soft. Kyoya seems to understand and his other grabs my board. As our fingers brush one another, sparks shooting from the caress, a cough is heard.

"Guys," Tamaki squeaks and I shoot him a deadly glare.

My board falls and I swear at it creates a large thud. Kyoya-who had indeed been leaning towards me-straightens himself and looks away. Both of us blush deep shades of red and the magical moment which would have been glorious ends in a rush.

"Hurry up, we're going to be late to your brothel," I hiss at Tamaki, not really knowing why I was so angry at him. I mean I didn't want to kiss Kyoya right? That's not what was just about to happen. Right? Right? Uhhh, I don't know anymore.

I exit the room and head to the quiet side of the school. But today, it seems like there are sounds floating through the halls. Maybe I'm just hearing the girls who are eagerly hiding in bathrooms and corners, making sure that they are beautiful for the Host Club. Or maybe I'm just anxious. I take a deep breath and walk up the stairs, the two boys flanking my sides. My heart beats obnoxiously loud and it has to stop. I finger my weapons and start my transformation.

"Go on ahead," I tell the boys in a firm voice when we reach the top. They each give me a look of uncertainty.

"Are you sure?" Kyoya asks quietly, his voice trying to appear teasing. I give him a hard look, already changing into that of a cold killer. He nods once and grabs Tamaki to leave. I stand and transform.

"_I am Susan Crea, daughter of Steven Crea. I am boss of Dojin-kai, previous boss of the Vario Crew. For this is what has molded me, these things make me who I am. I will protect those who are put in my charge. I will guard them with my life. For they are my task and I will not fail. This is what I will do,_" I whisper to myself in the middle of the hall.

My blood is cool and my mind is sharp. Going into gangster mode makes me feel invincible and I continue on. My job is to protect the Host Club and that is what I will accomplish today. I smile a wide and maniac smile. The brothel has never seen me this way. Actually no one in school has seen me in actual gangster mode. Maybe I'll finally get left alone. I am in front of Music Room 3 and turn the handle. Placing my things by the door, I hear someone approach.

"Susan-chan!"

The small flying blond hits me with a thud. I grab onto him quickly and notice that my stomach is still slightly pained. Even without stitches, it still needs time to heal. Honey swings around and is suddenly clinging onto my back like a monkey. I grab his legs and he holds my shoulders as we walk to his cousin. Mori looks concerned about me and I can only figure it's because he knows I'm still healing.

"Honey, don't you have guests to attend to?" I ask the small boy, noticing for the first time the patrons of the brothel scattered around the large room. Honey laughs and I turn to give him to Mori.

"Yah, but I haven't seen Susan-chan today and I was so happy she was okay," Honey says in a cheerful tone when he's back on the ground.

"Well, don't keep your guests waiting," I chide with a large smile as I see two girls sitting at a table by the open window.

Honey gives a salute and he and Mori go back to their guests. Now in the room, I look for potential points of entrance should we be attacked. All of the windows were opened and the thick purple curtains swooshed with the breeze. We're on the second floor, so I highly doubt people would make the attempt of pulling themselves up. But if that happens, I'll just cut the rope with my switchblade. There appears to be two doors. The entrance which we just came in from and a second door which leads to storage. I'll have to check the storage later.

I turn around the room and see around forty guests, all girls and all from the high school. About ten girls are with Tamaki on a large couch. There are another eight are with Haruhi. Two girls are making their way to the window with Mori and Honey, so that makes four. The twins appear to have about eight while the rest of them are hanging by a refreshment table filled with sweets. Kyoya comes to me quickly and is busy writing things down in his black notebook.

"Are you assessing the room?" His tone is bored and I nod once.

"Do you always have this many girls?" I whisper as I can't find the blonde foreigner who was attacked at the dance.

"No. Today is a special occasion. Our manager wanted to see how we interacted with a larger group of girls," he replies. A couple of girls approach and I can feel them hesitate.

"We'll talk about this later. I need to get a viewpoint that I like," I tell him in a bland tone. I can't be standing around chit-chatting. I need to find my place and stay there. Tamaki didn't make my first day easy with having all these girls here.

Fingering my weapons, I survey where I could possibly be if someone comes in from the front, the windows or perhaps the storage room and I have a clear shot. Gazing, I find Haruhi waving at me. I wave back and notice that behind her is a piano. It's actually the best place to be. Haruhi is probably the most vulnerable in hand to hand combat while at the same time, if something should happen I can still hide the girls I'm with behind something. I'll have a clear shot too.

"Hey Haruhi," I say as the girls disappear to get refreshments.

I finger the grand piano behind her and then lift myself onto it. Looking around the room, I'm pleased. This was a good choice. I can see the girls who were just with Tamaki go to the twins and the twins' patrons go to Kyoya. Kyoya is suddenly surrounded by girls but with my height from sitting on the piano, I can still see him. This is my vantage point. Haruhi stands and comes to my side, looking towards the others with me.

"I'm glad you agreed," she murmurs as I watch the twins fall into each other's arms. I snort at their actions. They're probably playing the incest card.

"Are the twins always like that? It's kinda nasty to me," I whisper to her back as my gaze shifts. I can see a blonde girl who's watching all this from a corner. You would have never known she was there unless you looked for her. She's suspicious.

"Yah. It's part of their act, but sometimes I wonder just how much of it is an act," she muses. I wonder that too.

Just then more girls come up and Haruhi leaves my side but not without first glancing back and giving me a wide smile. My heart leaps with her happiness and I wonder just how many people she gives that secret smile to. But the happy feeling is shattered when the presence of the blonde girl grows in my mind. She's staring at Kyoya and she clutches the curtain she's next to in her hands. I can see that she's clutching it so tightly, wrinkles begin to form in the fabric. She has a temper.

I cock my head like a bird of prey and take in her appearance. She's blonde but it's the strawberry blonde kind maybe a little darker. Her hair is long and goes down her back with a pink ribbon in place to hold it back. Her yellow dress tells me she's a high-schooler and by her height and weight, I would say a first year. She's definitely not in my class-I would have felt her staring at Kyoya.

But what makes me uneasy is that her anger isn't like an angry Japanese girl. She looks out of place-maybe she's been out of the country for some time because her features are Japanese. If she's been absent for a while, that's going to make her oblivious, or at least dull, to customs and formalities here. My eyes go back to survey the room and stay there for thirty minutes, not interrupted and focused.

"Crea-san?" A voice timidly asks to my right, breaking my long solitude.

I turn and meet small black eyes. This is a girl I haven't spoken to before but I recognize her from my class. She's shy and keeps to herself but has a single cousin in the class below us. Her name is Homura. Her black hair covers most of her face in an attempt to hide herself. She's smaller than Haruhi and I immediately want to make sure nothing happens to her.

"Yes?" I reply and turn to check if everything is okay before I start speaking with her. When nothing is amiss, I turn back to her and she flinches slightly. I make a reassuring smile and she relaxes.

"I was wondering if I could sit with you. The crowd is, is, is," she stutters in embarrassment and never finishes her sentence, wild hand gestures making up for the lost words. I smile a sad smile at her and motion to the piano bench.

"I have that problem too sometimes," I reply. She goes wide eyed and sits on the bench. I turn to look out and notice that almost half of the girls have left. It must be near closing time. But still that suspicious girl is in the corner, eyes glancing at all the boys and Haruhi.

"What are you doing here Crea-san?" Homura asks in a whisper. Oh, I don't really want to tell her I'm guarding. It's better to be inconspicuous.

Without looking at her, I mutter, "please, call me Susan."

"Oh."

"I don't really care for my last name when I'm with friends," I say quickly, my anxiety riling up slightly. When there is only silence, I turn to her quickly. She is looking down and I have the strange feeling I said something terribly wrong. When I ask the next question her head pops up. "Homura, are you okay?"

"It's just, no one ever has asked me to call them their first name let alone told me I was their friend," she confesses with tears. I didn't know she was this alone.

"I'll be your friend, though I'm more of an outsider than others," I reply. She nods her head and the wipes her face.

"Yah but you're the first person to make an effort to talk to me so I know you aren't that bad."

She looks back out towards the crowd and I begin to wonder if she's ever had a friend before. It doesn't seem like it. We both watch at most of the girls leave and fifteen minutes later Tamaki announces that they are closing. Homura gets up and waves goodbye, a renewed sense of purpose in her eyes. I smile a secretive smile back at her and watch the girls flood out. All leave but one. The strange blonde stands in her corner and doesn't move. I jump down from the top of my piano and move quickly.

No one notices me as I walk across the marble floors of Music Room Three and I watch as the blonde comes out of her hiding spot. She frowns deeply and I scowl. She strides towards the middle of the room with what I would normally assume was malicious purpose. I don't like that. Getting closer I can see her dark brown eyes watching Kyoya closely. Suddenly my cool persona is hit with red hot anger. I don't trust her. Intercepting her before she gets closer to anyone, her back faces me.

"Miss, the Host Club is closed. I'm going to have to ask you to leave," I say in a rough voice but at the same time, hold back the hiss that is threatening to come out.

When the girl doesn't answer I'm fully enraged. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be protecting these people or maybe because she's a weird fangirl. The back of my mind adds that I don't like her because she stares at Kyoya like he's a piece of meat. The rational part of my brain says that no one should be looked at like that. My heart pumps furiously and I silence my mind as I reach-gently of course-for her sleeve. The girl tenses and turns quickly to me.

"Let go of me! Don't you dare touch me," she screams and before I know it, my face is stinging. My brain catches up a moment later when the slap echoes through the empty room.

Then everything happens in hyper speed. Someone gasps while another voice calls out to me. One voice yells at the girl whose name I now learned is Renge. It's an ugly name. Designer shoes are clobbering in a fast pace towards me and the girl. Renge gives me a white hot look that I'm actually proud of for a split second. But as all of this is happening I'm calm. I smile a small smile and then a gun is in my hand and between Renge's horribly beautiful brown eyes.

"I'm going to give you exactly five seconds to say sorry, you damn assed pathetic excuse for existence. At the end of these long seconds, I'll decide whether I should forgive you or not. If you don't apologize I am going to shoot you between the eyes, watch the blood pour out with parts of your brain, claim it was self-defense and walk away from this situation with a very bad headache because of your hand. Then your family will never get justice because the Vice Principal is going to sweep this under the metaphorical rug and wrap it up in a nice package to send to my father. So, one."

"Susan-chan! Put the gun down," Honey starts to yell, fear blatantly in his voice. The girl's eyes go wide and I know she's in shock.

"Two," I say happily and cock my head as I give her a wide smile.

"Susan what are you doing?" Tamaki roars at me.

"Three," I sigh out.

"Susan please, you don't have to do this," Haruhi begs. I can feel her touch my left arm gently. I don't slap her away.

"Four," I coo at Renge like a baby but she doesn't move her pretty little lips.

"Susan, stop it right now," Kyoya hisses. I think for a second if he actually likes her and I cock Harry. I'm blinded by rage.

"Five. Time's up Renge," I murmur and pull the trigger. "Click."

The girl falls to the ground in both relief and fear. I had made sure when I left the house that Harry's first slot was empty, a precaution my father used when he taught me to bodyguard people. It was always my favorite thing to straighten out unruly guests.

Renge starts crying and I sigh as I run a hand through my hair. The twins go to Renge and she starts to wail. I roll my eyes at her crumpled up body and walk away. But before I get too far, a small hand clutches my right arm. It leads to Haruhi and I watch as angry tears form in her eyes and feel her tightly squeeze my arm.

"Why did you do that Senpai?" Haruhi hisses and I'm surprised that she could ever make such an angry noise.

"She hit me. It was only right to put her in her place," I say blandly back.

"But what if you killed her?" Haruhi screams in my face.

"I didn't though. I knew it was empty."

"But what if you did?"

Another scream follows and Haruhi just squeezes my arm harder and harder. Several more wails are heard from Renge and she refuses to get up. Haruhi looks like she wants to slap me but knows better. I turn to the blonde on the floor and wonder if I was too hard on her. But when I'm in this mode, I would never really think that was bad. Maybe these guys shouldn't hire a gangster if they can't handle a little fear.

"Susan, you can't do that," Kyoya says as he takes Haruhi's hand away from my arm.

I turn to face the Host Club and see that they have distanced themselves from me. For the first time since they locked me in that room, I feel shunned. I push the sadness down and turn away. I take a step towards them and Mori takes a step to fight me if necessary. Honey pushes Haruhi behind him and Tamaki yanks Kyoya back. I don't belong here.

"You shouldn't hire me. This is how I am when I have someone to protect. There are no boundaries for me when I have to watch you guys. Besides, this is who I really am. You can't have me hanging around if this scares you. Besides I don't want you to hate me. Hate only turns into betrayal," I muse as I look up at the ceiling, my voice in gangster mode free of sadness and hurt.

I never noticed it before but the ceiling is vaulted. If I look hard enough I could swear that the roof was caving in. Or maybe it was my own emotions that were caving in on me. All because I am a gangster. Maybe I don't belong here. They only see the non-gangster Susan and this Susan doesn't belong here. This Susan lacks moral.

I don't see anything wrong with what I did. The girl slapped me. I did nothing to her and she was the one who slapped me. She deserved it. What if she was going to kill someone? I had to protect them. They can't handle my kind of protection. I mean, I cut off a man's hand because he touched a girl; I didn't even punch Renge.

"We just don't see why you did that. You can't do that to people Susan," Tamaki says boldly. I turn towards him and put my hands in my pockets, Harry in the band of skirt. I always think with him: either he's the most stupid or courageous boy. Right now I just think he's ignorant.

"I would do a lot more to people if you keep me because I do things to protect you. That's what I am ordered to do. I didn't hurt her," I reply. Renge wails some more and I grow tired of her voice. "Shut the fuck up already. I wasn't going to kill you. You should think before you slap someone!"

"Susan," Kyoya hisses as he puts himself between me and her, scared I'll shoot her point blank. I feel hurt that he would think I would kill her now. But he's choosing her over me. Maybe it's a little biased because he's scared, but he's still choosing her.

"You choose her? Fine, don't bother me anymore. All of you. Just stay away from me because this is who I am. I know it scares you but I wouldn't hurt any of you. I don't want this anymore. I get it, I don't belong here. So just, leave me alone," I scream at them. I'm compromised.

"No, we need you," Kyoya begs as I turn my back on him. The next words are so quiet, I might have dreamed them up. "I need you."

"I'll have Kou watch you guys from now on. You'll be safe but I don't think I should be your bodyguard anymore. Leave me alone. I need to be alone for a while," I breathe out, becoming calm once again. But it's too calm, it's dissociated.

My chest is beginning to hurt and tears are forming in my eyes. I've lost the only friends who I will ever have. All because I loved having them too much. Because I loved them enough to protect them like how I have been taught. I told them this would never work. They didn't believe me and now they trained me to have friends again. I should have never done this. Now I've tasted heaven and am thrust back into hell-even if that was my own doing.

"Susan, wait."

I don't even know who speaks but I don't find out as I leave the room and the school. I'm amazed that I even remembered my stuff. With every step my world is crumbling down. I don't know how I could ever think I could fit into a place of naïve innocence. This isn't my place. I'm boss of a yakuza. I'm a daughter of a mobster. I would have ended up a gangster even if my Pa had never found me. These aren't my people. I need my people.

"Susan-sama?" Kou mutters as I find myself in front of my car. His eyes are scared.

"I don't know how I got here," I confess to Kou.

The boy looks at me with wide eyes and the world around me sounds like people talking in a fish bowl. It's loud and the words don't make sense. Fu is in front of me and my men are checking to see if I've been hit. I think they're worried I was poisoned but I'm only tired. I want to go home. Please, take me home. Take me to where I belong.

* * *

"Why did you do that to her?" Kyoya roared into Ouran's Music Room Three, his anger directed at a blonde girl who had yet to stop crying.

"Kyoya it wasn't her fault Susan freaked out," Kaoru tried to reason with the glasses wearing second year.

"Yah, she pulled a gun and fired," Hikaru argued angrily. "She pulled the fricken trigger!"

"No, Renge made Susan think that we were in trouble. I told her she was the best at protecting us and she was just doing her job. Why did Renge slap her? She only wanted to protect us," Kyoya yelled into the room.

The boy then made a motion to leave the room. He had to find Susan. He had to protect Susan. She just lost it at them and he knew he shouldn't have stepped between her and Renge. Not only because he should have gone straight to the American girl, but because she had thought he chose Renge over her. He would never choose Renge over her. She would always be his first choice.

"You can't go to her," Mori said in a soft voice. As much as Susan scared him, the taller man was sure she was trained to act in this manner.

"I have to," Kyoya replied. He went to grab his bag but when he went to the door a small blond boy blocked his path.

"You can't. She wants to be alone. You need to give her space. When she spoke to us, she said she felt that she didn't belong. If you go now you're only going to drive her into a corner. She has to come to us and find out that she misses us," Honey expressed and Kyoya was once again reminded that the small boy was indeed a third year high school student.

Kyoya stared at the door behind the small boy. He wanted to make sure Susan was alright. He needed to make sure Susan was alright. There was this sinking feeling in his stomach and he felt like his heart was being squeezed. He dropped his bag and walked back to the group. Renge hurt Susan and Kyoya was pissed.

"Why did you slap Susan?" he asked Renge angrily. Tamaki was holding the girl in his arms and Haruhi was staring at her angrily also.

"She had pulled my arm back. It hurt me so I slapped her away after she didn't let go," Renge said in an innocent voice.

But Kyoya had spent enough time with Susan to know when someone was lying. Renge is what Susan would have labelled as suspicious. He saw the blonde girl hanging around the corner of the room and it probably scared Susan. He also knew that if Renge didn't act against her, Susan would never attack first. It wasn't her way.

"You're lying," Haruhi said before Kyoya could accuse her of hurting Susan.

"No I'm not!" Renge screamed but a moment later reclaimed her calm. "Did you see what she did to me? She pointed a gun to my head! Then she pulled the trigger. What would happen if she killed me? Did you hear what she told me? She threatened me."

"She only threatened you because she thought you were suspicious and would hurt us. And she only did it after you slapped her," Kyoya hissed at her. He folded his arms across his body. Normally he would be calm and collected but with Susan involved he lost control and didn't know how to act.

"Because she pulled me," Renge said in a yell, but the yell was guilty.

"That's a lie. I heard Susan, she asked you politely to leave. You didn't answer and when she reached for you, she was gentle," Haruhi argued back.

"No she didn't."

"Haruhi is this true? Was Susan only defending herself and us?" Tamaki asked as he distanced himself from Renge.

"Yes. Susan always says that she wouldn't hurt people unless she got hurt or hurt others. Then she didn't even hurt Renge. What she did was very harsh but she was only protecting us. She has never had regular friends, she's been around a gang for a long time since she's so young and a boss. She didn't mean anything bad from it," Haruhi said in a sad voice.

"Then I'm sorry about what happened Renge-chan, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," Tamaki said in a solemn voice. The case was stacked against Renge, and she caused the whole ordeal.

"What? Kyoya-kun are you going to allow this? Are you going to choose her over me?" Renge asked angrily, turning to Kyoya.

"I should have choose her over you before she walked out. You're going to have to leave," Kyoya said a matter-of-factly. Renge's face became white as a sheet and she started to cry. The girl ran out of the room a second later.

"Do you think that was the right thing boss?" the twins asked in curious tones.

"Susan-chan is our friend. We told her to give us a chance. She doesn't get that what she did was wrong and that isn't her fault. She was raised like that and we can't give up on her. She can't believe that she has to be alone," Tamaki said pitifully as he gathered his things. They had to go home; they couldn't just stand here talking about Susan.

"She needs to know she belongs here," Kyoya whispered to himself.

But even more quietly in the recesses of his brain, Kyoya said this: she needs to know she belongs with me and that I belong with her.

* * *

_**Okay I am sooooooo sooooo soooo sorry that I haven't updated. I fear that I am getting so stressed that I have no time for things or time that I don't use writing. But hopefully-fingers crossed-I will be able to update more and more frequently. My mom is no longer allowing me to take more than twelve units at school but I work twenty hours too, so that might help me. I bought a piano, well more like rented it. I can play twinkle twinkle little star and my fair lady and mary had a little lamb. So you guys see, I get very distracted. So I will hopefully update more often. Again sorry. But I won't give up. **_

_**I know it's kinda mean and maybe kinda hard on you guys but could you please comment. I get really happy and then actually write more when I get comments in.**_

_** As usual, if you haven't already, or if you're new (hello), remember to fave, follow, review, obsess. I hope everyone is having a great June month and that your summer will be exciting and you find twenty dollars on the floor or twenty cents or you fall in love or you're just plain old having a good day. Lord knows sometimes that's all I pray for. **_

_**Loves yous guys! :)**_


	17. Only Two of Them

**Chapter Seventeen: Only Two of Them**

* * *

"**Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You're playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."**

― **Marianne Williamson, **_**A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"**_

"**Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."**

― **Paulo Coelho**_**, The Alchemist**_

* * *

Gotta run fast and escape them. They have twenty feet until they reach impact and my anxiety implodes. My legs aren't moving as fast as I want them to. Maybe if I hide I'll be safe. No, they'll find me. I can't do that. Maybe I can use Homura as a shield. No, that's mean and I'm still bigger than her. Check and see if they're following you. Targets sighted, two orange heads and a gold. Run around this corner and lose them, quickly.

I turn the corner, the twins and Tamaki following me around as I try to go to teach the Music Club. Try being the key word. I'm stuck wondering where they get the time to harass me, that and if Kou told them to leave me alone. Of course, they have to go to their brothel and Kou should be watching them. Well, at least if he didn't get lost. He probably got lost though and now they have the time to pursue me.

It's a miracle that I haven't had a panic attack. Maybe it's because I know Kou is nearby or maybe I'm just getting used to the brothel following me. My chest is constricting and my stomach aches in a dull pain but I swallow it down. My arms pump as I run faster, gaining distance from my pursuers and sweat starts to run down my back.

I turn down another hall that would lead me to the elementary school side of Ouran and knock into a dense body. Landing on the left side of the body, I catch sight of red hair. My heart beats in my chest and I don't have the time to turn red with embarrassment.

"Susan? What are you doing?"

"Shhhh. They'll find me. Come on, we need to hide."

"Why do I have to?"

Ritsu moans as I pull him up by his right arm. I turn to see that the brothel idiots haven't caught up yet. Grabbing Ritsu without answering his unimportant question, I turn and see a door that looks surprisingly like a bathroom-a boy's one at that. Ritsu follows my glance, turns red faced, and shakes his head when I look at him. His brown eyes turn wide when we can hear the footsteps of the brothel approaching quickly.

"Susan," Ritsu pleads as I pull his wrist and fling open the door.

The left side of the bathroom has stalls and we go into the last one. Ritsu starts to groan when we move again. I pull him in and put my finger to my lips as I quiet him. Placing him where people would expect him if they peek through the inch slit between the door and the floor, I stand on the toilet and listen as the door opens.

There is silence for a second before the footsteps were echoing through the white marble bathroom. The gold knob doesn't turn but I have the irrational fear that someone is going to open it. I look to my partner in crime and he is blushing heavily. I'm far too scared to even be nervous.

The boy stares at the door with fear like mine nonetheless. His shoulders are tensed and squared off and I have the feeling that if I held his hand for support he might hit me. Wait, no hand holding. That's weird and he doesn't want to hold your hand. I blush slightly as Ritsu turns around to me and I just hold his shoulders. I breathe in deeply and nod my head for him to look forward.

"Hello? Susan-chan? Are you in here?" Tamaki says silkily outside the door as I can hear both twins opening the rest of the stall doors.

I can't help but feel like I'm hiding from bullies. With each door opening and banging closed, a little bit of my sanity dies. Holding my breath, my grip tightens on Ritsu's shoulders and I can't help but feel bad for him. But I can't deal with these guys right now. They don't trust me anymore and I can't force them to not be afraid.

What I did was legal and I didn't hurt Renge. She looked like she could do more damage with a few words than I could with complete paragraphs. But these people don't see her like that. Instead, she's one of their own and I'm nothing but a dirty gangster. They shouldn't trust me. I don't want to talk to them. I can't right now; they have to leave me alone.

"Who's in here?" Tamaki asks as he knocks on the door, the twins breathing heavily with frustration.

"Uhhh," Ritsu murmurs and I release my grip on his shoulders. I want him to lie for me, but I don't know him well enough to know for sure if he's going to cover for me.

"Crea-san, we know you're in there," one of the twins hisses and I think it belongs to Hikaru.

He is more scared of me than Kaoru; I could see it in his eyes when he chased me. I gasp and flinch at the same time with his harsh tone. I thought they were my friends and I told them I don't like them calling me that. So they did it to try and hurt me. Maybe I should really scare them and make them leave me alone forever.

I need friends though. But they can't be friends with me. I love them too much and they're afraid of me. There can't be friendship like that. They can't be afraid of me like that. They can only ever fear me. No one could ever accept me but my gang. Even with my gang there is fear when I yell at them though, except for maybe Fu.

These thoughts run through my head and I can't even breathe. Maybe I should go home. No, I can't leave the students and Ritsu. Poor Ritsu, I dragged him in all of this and now they're going to get him in trouble. I'm sorry Ritsu. You shouldn't have to put up with me. I should just leave you alone too. You're far too happy and nice and friendly to deserve me.

I rest my head on top of Ritsu's red locks and try to fight back the single tear that always escapes when I'm so confused and scared at the same time. But as usual, it falls. It falls and Ritsu watches it as it hits his nose and rolls down to the floor. Then I feel a menacing atmosphere that wasn't coming from me.

"Go away. There isn't anyone here named Susan. Check the girl's bathrooms you perverts," Ritsu hisses with much more force than necessary.

There are fearful yelps and frightened footsteps. They leave a moment later and I sigh in relief as I climb down from my post. I wipe my face to check if any more damned tears have fallen and find none. Good. The last thing I want is to cry in front of Ritsu. Again. He probably thought I was a big cry baby.

"Thanks," I whisper and try to listen and see if the hookers were still outside. I didn't feel them or hear them; they're gone.

"They bullying you or something?" Ritsu asks with a concerned look on his face. It reminded me of Kou's motherly frown. The downturn of the lips but the wide eyes crinkled in frustration and worry.

"No. I just don't want to talk to them. I did something they didn't think was right when I was guarding them and they hate me for it. They yelled at me but it wasn't that bad but I don't have the emotional energy to talk to them today or this week really," I rant with no rhyme or reason; my cheeks burn with fire in them and I turn away.

Ritsu seems to be confused about several things I said but I walk around him in our small space. I open the stall door and go to the sink. I turn the golden faucet, running water and splashing my face with the droplets. After turning off the water, I go to the exit and open the door a crack. There seemed to be no one in the halls and I am thankful for this small miracle in my life.

I usher Ritsu over and we walk into the hall and then full sprint into our classroom. When we arrive five minutes later, I am huffing and puffing. Ritsu seems to be better with running than me and I look around, meeting the wide eyes of my students. Kan raises his hand and I put up a single finger to tell him to give me a minute before I die.

"Yes Kan," Ritsu answers as he recovers his breath faster than me.

I stand and know that I can't breathe as well because all I ever do is ride a fricken skateboard. Maybe I should run a mile every day. No, that's too tedious. I don't have to run all the time. Just be able to run fast enough to kick ass.

"Are you guys okay?" Kan peeps and I straighten my back and nod.

"You're all sweaty and gross," says an annoying voice and I don't even look at my loudmouth honey haired student. Shiro is stupid today.

_"Well, you would be too if you just ran away from people of ill-repute,_" I murmur in English. Kan looks at me with a strange look but somehow knowing. The other kids just don't understand.

"What?" Ritsu asks quietly and I shush him.

"I'll tell you later," I whisper to him and then turn to the class. "Alright. We are going to work on the pieces that you should have chosen last meeting. If you don't have a piece at all, I suggest you get together this weekend to really decide what you want and to listen to what it sounds like. So everyone get in your groups and we'll go for an hour today. Remind me if we go past time."

All the kids shuffle to their groups, the volume rising exponentially. Kan eagerly bounces up to the front of the room, a large smile on his face. Ritsu prepares himself for impact but Kan merely comes up to me and hands me the sheet music. Then the small boy hands Ritsu another page and Ritsu goes to the storage locker where his instruments are.

"I didn't know which one you would want to play. I like the Milhaud, but it's more difficult. The Pachelbel is an arrangement originally for three violins and a basso continuo, but I like how it was arranged for us. I found it in the music store," Kan whispers quietly, putting his face down in embarrassment. I just hope he didn't buy the sheet music, I can get Kou to buy it for him if he likes it.

"Well then let's try Pachelbel. Ritsu, it takes a flute," I call out to the boy as he looks at his sheet music and then back to me. He must not have the same sheet music as me.

Ritsu raises his violin's bow and the rosin he was about to put on it and I shake my head. He huffs and puts it back. I smile a small smile as I can hear the grumblings coming from his mouth. The boy then gets his flute and raises that. I laugh and nod my head with his exasperated look. Ritsu goes back to preparing his things and I look at Kan who is fidgeting silently.

"You don't have three copies, do you?" I ask Kan and he shakes his head.

"The lady said I could only print two. I can share with Ritsu-sensei," Kan offers and I shake my head in return.

"You're too short. Ritsu can look over my shoulder and read mine. He doesn't have too difficult of parts so it should be fine. Did your teacher recommend these pieces?" I ask the ebony haired boy and he turns completely red in the face and shakes it. He pushes his bangs down and I fix my own as I wait for an answer.

"No, I have a lesson next week. The lady at the orphanage can only have him come out once a month," he says in a voice softer than the beating of a butterflies' wings.

I just sit there in shock when I realize that he just said orphanage and that means he was like me. No wonder I feel such a connection with him. But he must be really good if he could choose a piece without anyone's help. It's hard enough for me to do, but for him to go into the music store by himself and scour the shelves for something three very different instruments could play is amazing.

Poor Kan; my heart was pained and felt like someone was squeezing it to death. Why is he at an orphanage? If he was in there since he was born like me, he wouldn't have come to Ouran. Ouran needs for some pedigree and I only got in by threats. I wonder what happened to his family. I'm going to have to ask the Vice Principal. I'm sure that man wants an update also.

"That's okay. As long as you do things on your own, you don't need a teacher. If you need one, just tell me and I'll see what I can do."

"But what if without a teacher I get really bad. The lady always says that I have to save my money for him and I'm scared that maybe one day I won't have enough money," Kan says with large tears in his eyes behind his huge round glasses and bangs. I move his bangs aside and watch as his glasses fog up.

"Don't worry about that. If that happens, you tell me and I'll take care of it," I reply with a hurt in my heart at his fears. These were fears like mine, except I worried about what would happen if I didn't have any disinfectant and my wounds got infected. I know gangrene was a real possibility for me as a child.

"I can't have you paying for me," he says and then bites his lower lip. I'm for once glad the room is so noisy and that no one can hear our conversation.

"Okay, I understand that. But you're really good for your age and I want to have you compete. If you win, you might get sponsors. But you're really good Kan. If you keep going, you don't have to worry about money if you're our student," I tell him proudly and feel Ritsu return.

Ritsu must have caught some of the conversation because he seems worried. I look up to see his brown eyes wide and filled with empathy. Ritsu doesn't seem to be a filthy rich person. He's seen hardship like me and of course, like Kan. How the misfits ever find each other in this huge world surprises me.

The large boy stands behind me and we look at Kan with large and loving grins-well my face is a smile and Ritsu seems to be happy. But at the same time, Ritsu fires butterflies in my stomach and I want for him to smile at me and say that he'll take care of Kan with me. I'm happy with this boy and it shouldn't be like this. I don't think I should feel this way for him.

"But you've never heard me play," Kan exclaims in a hysterical and unbelieving voice, interrupting my inner monologue.

"I can tell when someone's good. Just like how I know Ritsu is going to be good. I'm not that good anymore but when I was your age I was the best. Plus I knew if someone was good and I haven't lost that touch yet," I reply with a chuckle. I know he's good. His last teacher said he was and I know he is too. There's just something about him.

"But-"

"No buts," Ritsu says a little too forceful. I place my hand on his arm to ease his anxiety and he speaks in a whisper. "Susan knows when people are good. Besides, you picked your own music and you know what is hard and what isn't. So play and prove to us that you're good."

"O-okay," Kan stutters and I nod.

Placing the sheets on my piano, I turn to my co-teacher. He is looking at me like I won the moon. Maybe it's because I told a kid they could do it because I believed in them or maybe it's because he believes in me. But I guess it's safe to say that we were going to play well.

"Let's play," I murmur and then go into the beginning, the piano ringing out in the crowded and loud room.

The hour flies by faster than I had ever expected it to. Soon enough Kan has almost mastered his more difficult part while Ritsu and I give him tips. Ritsu stood over me and played his piece perfectly and I was surprised that he could even play the flute so beautifully. I on the other hand have to practice it one more time.

My hands were cramping halfway through and I was forced to stop by Ritsu. I could feel him watching me over my shoulder and every time my hands missed a note and I swore under my breath, he got scared. When he finally got fed up with my pain, which didn't really hurt too badly, he grabbed my shoulder. Telling me it was time to stop, I frown but turn to the class.

"Everyone, you're dismissed. If you're having trouble with your parts please practice but don't strain yourselves. Have a nice weekend and we'll meet again next Monday," I announce to the class, Ritsu still standing behind me. I can feel his hand brush my back and I shiver. Now if only he touched my ear and fixed that stray hair for me, I would be great.

"You shouldn't play this weekend. You're going to strain your hands too much," Ritsu whispers in my ear as he leans down.

I blush slightly with his close proximity and grab the papers to give to Kan. The smaller boy is putting his clarinet away as the other kids leave. Ritsu rises and is oblivious to my beating heart and embarrassed stomach. Getting up slowly I watch Ritsu go to put his flute back in its case in the locker.

He has a broad back for being a smaller guy. But he is still taller and much wider than I am. He again is disheveled with his uniform but so am I. it could be from all the running we did from the Host Club. He really did save me. An unconscious smile comes to my face as I realize that he is the only person that saves me. I normally don't allow my gang to save me because that will put them in danger.

"Susan-sensei," Kan interrupts and I turn down to look at the small boy. He looks at Ritsu and I can tell he is trying to find something that is wrong with him but when he doesn't he turns back to me and gives me a confused look.

"What's wrong Kan?" I ask as his face turns into a smile that is something between knowing and devilish. I'm surprised the young boy could ever make that kind of face.

"Nothing. Can we practice this weekend?"

Ritsu comes back in time to answer the question but first glances at my hands. They are trembling and I fold them behind my back. The redhead gives me an angry look and Kan hides behind me as the remaining children scatter and run for their lives. I give Ritsu a look back that says if he tells anyone about my hands he's dead but he doesn't get it.

"You and I can but Susan can't. Her hands hurt her if she plays too much," Ritsu says to Kan with a stern voice. Kan looks up to me with a surprised look and then lowers his head in shame.

"It's not your fault Kan. They just don't play like they used to anymore," I reply, knowing that Ritsu is making him think it's his fault. Kneeling in front of the young boy I can tell he's angry at himself.

"But I just made you practice for an hour," Kan says his lip quivering. I give a red hot look to Ritsu and he flinches and then scowls back at me, seemingly unafraid.

"It's not a big deal. See," I tell Kan and show him my hands as I stand back up.

Steadying them, I watch as the young boy reaches out to touch them. Ritsu looks at them and then goes out to touch them first, but instead flips them over. With the harsh twist they begin to tremble again and I whack Charming's hands away.

"They're shaking," Ritsu hisses.

"Stop it. I can handle the pain," I hiss back.

"They hurt you?" Kan whispers but the words go unnoticed.

"You can't keep working them like that."

"They're my hands, not yours and I can do whatever I want with them."

"That doesn't mean that you won't do some irreversible damage. You may never play again!"

"I haven't played in years I can play for a little while until the other teacher comes back. This isn't a problem! I can play."

"You can't play this weekend. You can come and work with us but you can't play. They need rest and that is final."

"You can't tell me what to do. If I'm going to play five hundred sonatas I can. I don't need your permission. Why do you even care?"

"Because I-"

"Stop it both of you!" Kan yells and both of us jolt, angry words falling to the ground around us. "You're acting worse than Shiro! Susan-sensei shouldn't play because it's only going to make her hands never play again and Ritsu-sensei shouldn't tell Susan-sensei that she can't play because he isn't Susan-sensei. If Susan-sensei wants to never play again, then it's her fault."

There is a heavy silence which falls on us and I just try to calm myself down. I'm blushing to my ears with being reprimanded by a fifth grader and Ritsu is red to the ears because of being told he can't tell me what to do. Neither of us speak but rather avoid eye contact. Why were we even arguing? Why did Ritsu worry about me and my hands? What was he going to say?

But most all: why does he even talk to me when we have only been together three times and something weird has happened during each? It wasn't right. We shouldn't argue. But like Kan said, we're both at fault. Ritsu shouldn't tell me what to do and I shouldn't strain myself too much. We were both at fault.

"I'm sorry."

We apologize at the same time. I turn my gaze at Ritsu and can feel my heart skip a beat as he gives me a dazzling smile; probably because I admit that I shouldn't strain my hands. My face is burning and I give him a wide smile back. For a second I forgot that we were indeed supervising a small being.

"Ewwww," Kan murmurs and I look at him with sweaty palms.

"Shut up," I tease the small boy and he looks back at me with a wide smile. I'm happy. This is how it should be.

"Can we practice Saturday?" Kan asks me and then looks at Ritsu. Ritsu nods and then I shake my head, remembering that we have plans on Saturday.

"We can do it on Sunday. Kou wants us to go to a club on Saturday. But we can get together on Sunday at Ritsu's house," I reply. I don't want them to know that I'm kinda like in a gang—wait I am literally the gang boss.

"Well, I don't think we can do it at my house but Sunday is okay," Ritsu says and wipes his face. The boy seems exasperated with all of this or he's just nervous about something.

"We can go to the park or something with everyone. Just hang out, have lunch and stuff," I voice and scratch the back of my head.

"I would like that. I normally don't get to go to the park," Kan says excitedly. I cock my shoulder in a way to see if Ritsu wanted to do that.

"That sounds great. We'll me at Kan's place. If that's alright with you," Ritsu suggests and I have the strange feeling he doesn't want me to know where he lives.

"Is that fine?"

"Yes. Here's my address. What time will you pick me up?"

"Around noon. I don't think I can get up too early."

Ritsu nods and then Kan hands me a sheet of paper with his address. The small child is so happy and I'm glad that he can smile his real smile. I look at Ritsu and he's watching me watch Kan. He seems proud and I'm so happy that he doesn't hate me. He literally got yelled at by me and wasn't even scared. Rather he fought me back.

Kan leaves a moment later, worried that he would get to the gates late and I watch his fleeting back in the hall. Ritsu stands next to me and I tilt my head in wonder. Wonder of how three misfits could have found each other and give each other hope for survival.

"Are you scared of me?" I ask Ritsu all of a sudden, wondering how he could stick up to me when not even my own men could.

"I could never be afraid of you," Ritsu murmurs and then walks away. I don't know why he suddenly left but I think it had something with the words I didn't hear when he was ten feet away.

* * *

"Kou! I don't want to be mean but can we stop listening to the same circus sounding song?!" I scream from my own room, attempting for the complaint to travel through the wall that is shaking with the bass of Kou's stereo.

Today is the continuation of his binge watching anime; he started yesterday at seven in the morning. Hopefully he'll be ready to go out tonight because he nagged me all week about going to the club. He convinced me also to let him drink while we're on the premises, which we'll see if it is the wrong decision. Whatever, I'm just excited that I haven't screamed in my sleep and am finally getting some beauty sleep again.

I am also excited that today is Saturday and I don't have to go to school. Since the whole Renge situation I had avoided the Host Club. It was a miracle I even went to school but I had to go for Ritsu and Homura and Kan.

I had to go to school because of Homura, who sat and ate lunch with me during the week. Of course we didn't really talk, only sat and ate. But it was refreshing and it was nice for her to not be alone. But during those lunches, I could feel their eyes.

As it was I saw the Host Club when I ran away after school. I think they miss me. I kinda miss them. But at the same time, I don't forgive them for making me feel like this. They shouldn't have run after me when I told them I wanted to be alone.

Speaking of alone, Kan was alone. His parents died in a car crash a year ago and he didn't have any living family to take him in. Because of that, he has been living in an orphanage. His parents had paid for his tuition for the year before he died so he could stay at Ouran. But come next year he is gonna be out. I told the Vice Principal I would pay for him until he graduated. Someone had to watch out for him.

I perked up from my place on my bed, rereading Wuthering Heights and thinking again how I would have killed Heathcliff—he's totally stalker scary—when I realized the music ceased and I could hear Kou shuffling in his room. Then it came on. The anime opening that he cries during and that has been playing non-stop for the past three weeks. I take it back, I want the other circus opening back.

"Oshiete yo, oshiete yo," Kou starts to wail at full volume and the song continues. This is followed by muffled cries of 'he just wanted to be happy' and 'let's go home'—all of which I don't understand and don't think I want to.

"_Oh. My. God_."

That's it. I can't go crazy in my own home and this is making me insane. It's not like I don't mind his music but please can we not play them over and over and over! That and I just want to read, not listen to the wall rattling. His stereo is so bad that it can't take the volume he keeps playing it at. Besides its nine o'clock in the morning and he should have quiet hours until ten on the weekend.

I get up and throw myself to the door. Opening it, I find the twins and cousins in the hall standing outside his door. Looks like they couldn't take it either. But what confuses me is that Hana is wearing a large male's shirt and that Haru is wearing a koi fish robe that is slightly too small for him. They must have been doing things again—dirty things, bodily fluid things. My men look at me with wide eyes and embarrassed smiles, not making a move to go in.

Shaking my head, I march past them—cowards, scared of tears. I fling open Kou's door and can feel the sound waves moving through even atom of my body. Kou has his back to me and is wailing as he clutches two action figures. Walking into the room, I turn off the stereo, and the air is replaced with Kou's muffled whines.

"Susan-sama, I'm sorry. I shouldn't do this to myself but I just can't get over it. All Kaneki wanted was to go on a date," says my little gang member with snot in his nose. I open my arms and he runs to me. I cradle him and can hear the others come into the spotless room. Kou is really a clean freak.

"Let's go get you an Ipod and Beat headphones. Maybe then you can wail and cry but we won't hear your stereo from the three blocks over," I say as I smooth his hair. Kou stops wailing but he still shakes in my arms.

"We, we, we," Kou hiccups. I know what he's trying to say though.

"Yes, we're still going to go to the club and yes you can still have a few drinks. But you can't have too many. I don't want to have to hold your hair if you throw up, though I would still do it if it does happen," I reply with an exasperated sigh. I let go of the boy and he stops sniffling. "Go get dressed and we'll go to the mall. All of us."

"But Susan-sama we need to visit Sendo this afternoon and we need to check in with Rei," Hideo murmurs behind me as Kou goes to his closet.

"You need to take a break. All four of you. You've been pulling double shifts and hardly sleeping," I tell them in a chiding voice. Whether they're not getting sleep is because of their sleeping schedule or because they are sleeping in the wrong rooms beats me.

"We do have to visit our other syndicate though. We need to discuss some things with Rei. He said something about the best candidate for Spain's prime minister coming to Japan or something," Aiko muses and I watch as he puts a hand to his long hair and strokes it.

Hana turns and then grabs the long ponytail in hand. I raise one brow as I wonder what she's going to do to Aiko. Instead of something violent, she gently braids his hair in back of him. Aiko of course turns totally red and I just smile, biting my tongue to not laugh at the domestic act. Haru is staring at his cousin in horror and Hideo is looking at Haru, probably checking if he is going to braid his hair in turn. I look to Kou's private bathroom.

"Well, have Rei take him to the club. You can talk to Rei in the private rooms and I can see why a Spaniard is coming all the way here and what his motives are. He probably needs military weapons and doesn't want their supplier to be so close to where he's gonna rule. But, let's go to the mall and then straight to the club. Take a change of club clothes—civilian. I don't want you guys making the modern club old with your traditional clothing."

I run a hand through my hair and decide that I'm going to have to straighten it at the mall. The salon should be there, so we can get everything done at the same time. I turn back to my men to find them standing very still. All of them turn to me with gaping mouths. Maybe they only own formal wear. But we can fix that when we get to the mall. They'll have to get club clothing. Something totally hot. Damn those, formal clothing wearing people. Be normal please.

"We don't really have civilian clothing. It was never needed," Hana murmurs in embarrassment, letting go of Aiko's now braided hair.

"We'll get you normal clothing. No buts. I don't want you sticking out like sore thumbs. Besides, we aren't going to get clothing that is totally uncomfortable for you, but you have to make slight adjustments in your wardrobe," I chide as Kou finally emerges from his bathroom.

Surprisingly he showered and his hair is wet. Kou wears skinny jeans a dark wash and a red tank top without the sides. He grabs a black leather jacket from his desk chair and puts that on. He goes to his closet grabs black Nike high tops and then tosses me a jean jacket from behind the door. I catch it and it put it over my black A-line dress with side cutouts, my scars being hidden in the back.

"We need to get civilian clothing for them?" Kou questions and I nod. He turns to the four and then sighs. "It's going to be a long day. I need my hair dyed but this time, let's go to the salon."

"I was thinking you needed it done. Your roots are showing and I don't trust myself bleaching so close to the root. Maybe I can get some red streaks. We'll just buy clubbing clothes at the mall and put them on there before we leave," I reply and stand next to Kou.

The boy puts his arm around my waist and we both stare at our four projects in front of us. They need to get their clothes and with them, they're going to make this like pulling teeth. Hana needs her hair cut and with how she keeps it in a bun all the time, I don't think she'll cut it short. Then Haru is so tall we're going to have to look all day for something that looks good on him proportionally. At least with the twins, it's like dressing the same person. If that person didn't want to be looked at one minute and then was a playboy the next.

"This is going to take all day, isn't it?" Kou moans to me. I pat his hand on my hip, the feel of his skin reassuring to me.

"Let me get my boots. Lord knows my feet are going to be killing me with all the walking we're going to do."

I run back to my room and quickly put on a pair of purple tights and my black combat boots. Then I put both switchblades in my shoes and then put on a thigh holster. Choosing Sally today with a silencer on the other side of the double holster.

"You ready?" my men ask me when I come out of my room. I nod happily and then we all walk to the front door.

"Fu, we're going to the mall. Do you want to come?" I ask when the larger man comes out from the kitchen.

"No, I have some errands to do around the house. But I'll see you at the club. Have a good time," Fu says as he comes to me. He stands before me and then grabs me in a hug. "Be safe. Things are tense and I want you to come back in one piece. I love you."

"I promise I'll be fine. I love you too."

I squeeze the man harder. Fu loves me like my Pa does and in turn I love Fu like my Pa. The man doesn't scare me and I don't scare him. But my mind is once again reminded that there is another person who isn't scared one bit of me. Everyone in my gang is scared of me when I yell and when I get angry at them but there are two people in this country that don't fear me. And they are all I need.

* * *

**Hey everyone! Sorry for the late update. I had finals in my summer classes last week and finally found the time to write. I finished my first Creative Writing Workshop and it went pretty well. I wrote about an Artificial Intelligence in the future. Don't want to spoil too much if it ever actually gets published anywhere. My next classes should be easier so I should be updating a lot sooner. I also want to say thank you to everyone who ever clicked on this story! Especially for all of your helfpul feedback and loving words. For someone who hasn't written in a long time and wasn't never seen as a good writer in high school, it really helps a lot. So thank you. I love you guys!**

**So in the story, we are going to have the club scene next chapter. Who's ready for some Kyoya/Susan moments? I am really excited to write it all. In addition, i really am beginning to want Susan to end up with Ritsu but I am not going to make it easy. In addition, I am going to have Kan be the largest Susan/Ritsu shipper ever. OMG, I totally forgot but I was going to start shipping names. **

**For Ritsu and Susan I was thinking (OMG I CAN'T REMEMBER NOW! Goddamnit)**

**For Susan and Kyoya I was going to call them the Shadow Royals (Dark Princess and the Shadow King)**

**For Susan and Haruhi (The civilian pair) make your own**

**For Kou and Susan (The dyed hair kids?) I really liked the idea of birds of a feather. **

**I don't know, i'm bad at ship names. **

**As usual, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Thank you for all the reviews and comment with the ship names, [i don't remember Ritsu and Susan]) and i know I say this every time but comments make me so happy so please give me your feedback, this is meant to make me a better writer. **


	18. The Bad Kind of Secrets

**Chapter Eighteen: The Bad Kind of Secrets**

* * *

"**And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." **

― **Roald Dahl **

"**I feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armor until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am." **

― **Veronica Roth, **_**Insurgent**_

"**Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence. "**

―**Dorothy Dox**

* * *

Ritsu Kasanoda had been debating since Wednesday night if he should ask his father who Susan Crea was. When he and Susan were hiding from her chasers, he finally learned her last name. But why Ritsu waited so long was because the name was thrown around as insults in the gang and that could only mean one thing: she was important. But the red-head merely thought it was because she was the bodyguard for the Lord or Lady.

"Did you hear what the bitch did with Sendo?" One man said to another in the yard.

Ritsu was lounged out in front of the house but behind the gates and under a cherry blossom tree. The conversation that the men were having in the courtyard turned into swears and derogatory terms about the other gangs. When it grew quiet again, Ritsu saw Tetsuya sweeping as usual but the young man clenched the broom harder than normal. Ritsu wondered if he was angry. The boy had to admit he was never good at reading people.

"Yah, she's working the hell out of them. She probably killed the old leader herself so she could get them to give her their gang."

"She would totally do that."

"Yah, but she wasn't anywhere near them when it happened. She was at school during that time, even we checked."

"Dumbass, they could get someone to do it for her."

"But it was a woman matching her description."

"Cutthroat Crea-san."

This is the conversation which made Ritsu consider the odds of Susan being something more than a bodyguard. But it was the last comment that made Ritsu flinch and shiver. He knew that it was possible the boss of Dojin-kai killed the previous boss of Sendo-kai. Everyone knew that only Dojin-kai was capable of pulling off such a stunt.

But what he never learned was that the boss wasn't some middle-aged man with tattoos and scars. If his men were referring to Susan as Crea-san, she wasn't just a bodyguard, she was the boss. Ritsu's mind screamed at him over and over: no, it can't be. To put it mildly, Ritsu Kasanoda was in denial.

"I have to ask the old man," Ritsu said in an unbelieving voice to the blooming tree above him.

The red-head got up, the grass staining the knees of his worn out jeans. Wiping his black t-shirt of the grass he had pulled from the roots, he walked into the large home. His father was normally in what he called the secret meeting room. It was really his mother's old bedroom and he knew his father went over there when he wanted to be alone.

When Ritsu came upon the door, he felt the hairs on his neck stand up with the thought of entering into the shrine. The boy had never met his mother. She died when he was a few months old, her body never really having been healthy. One of his old caretakers always said that his father was never the same after she died. He was somehow harder on the gang and kept Ritsu close to him, training him from a very early age.

Steeling himself, Ritsu opened the door and found his father smoking a pipe with his back facing his son. The old man was staring at the only signifier that it was his wife's room. It was a picture of his mother. A portrait in the room that lay before him always showed her as beautiful. Her red hair was picked up and she wore a layered kimono that brought out her black eyes. She was a haunting remnant of the complete family that once had been.

"Hey Dad, you have a minute?" Ritsu asked the old man. Ritsu normally called his father old man but the actual use of 'dad' made his father turn around faster than he had ever done before.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yah, everything is great. I just wanted to ask you a question," Ritsu said suddenly, his tone rough with fear of Susan Crea being a yakuza boss.

"Oh, that's fine. What is the question?"

"Um, it's, well-"

The old man turned back around and stared at the photo in silence, waiting for his son to ask the question which he had readied. But Ritsu merely looks his mother's portrait and wondered if knowing is really the best thing. The young boy didn't know anymore.

In one respect, he could never know that Susan Crea was a yakuza boss and he could continue to teach with her and laugh with her and listen to her beautiful playing, while everything stayed the same. Or he could learn that Susan Crea was indeed a killer and everything could change.

But Ritsu didn't want everything to change. He wanted Susan to still laugh at him when he got angry and to still touch his arm, knowing that he was getting anxious. He still wanted to be able to yell at Susan and get angry when she pushed herself too hard. He wanted to be able to be touched by her, all the while thinking that he shouldn't be touched by her because it did things to his brain.

Susan Crea understood him better than any man in his gang ever could. She wasn't scared of him and she laughed at his scary expressions. She played for him and apologizes when she feels that she is in the wrong. Susan Crea was perfection to Ritsu Kasanoda and Ritsu knew that the hopeless romantic in him was beginning to fall in love with her.

Everything about her made him smile. Her eyes were as green as the grass in the only memory of his father taking him to the park. Her hair was black and soft when he would tuck it behind her ears. She was short but could stand tall to just about anyone. But at the same time, she showed Ritsu that she wasn't just a gang boss, but she was a frightened little girl.

"Son? Son? Are you okay? You're sweating. Don't tell me you're sick!" Ritsu's father broke him from his trance. Ritsu could indeed feel his face sweating and he knew his entire body was red with embarrassment.

"I'm not sick, it's just—who is Susan Crea?" Ritsu shouted out the question in an angry voice. His father flinched and then his eyes went wide.

"Why are you asking about her? Has she approached you at school? Threatened you?" His father's panicked tone just answered his question but Ritsu didn't want to believe it until he heard the exact words from his father's mouth.

"No. She hasn't done anything to me. I just want to know who she is," he replied. His father could tell he was lying but with a sharp look from Ritsu, he chose to ignore it.

"She is boss of Dojin-kai. I'm sure you've heard of her. She came from America and moved her new yakuza here to Kanto. Back in America, they called her the Dark Princess. She's killed countless men. If you see her at school, don't talk to her, she's dangerous."

The panicked tone in his father's voice made Ritsu wonder if he had ever met Susan. Susan couldn't have killed that many people. She was just some girl who didn't like people and played piano while her hands were terribly unsuited for it and was the most beautiful human in the world. This Susan sounded like a monster.

"Have you ever met her?" Ritsu asked his father.

"Yes. She came here two months ago and made a treaty with us. We're not allowed to talk to her or step on her land. And if we do, she threatened to kill us. She threatened to kill you at school. You have to be careful with her."

"Okay," was Ritsu's only answer; meanwhile his mind shouted that this couldn't be right and it wasn't the truth.

He walked out of his mother's room a moment later and found Tetsuya listening on the other side of the door. Tetsuya looked like he was going to say something but Ritsu just walked away and gestured for him to follow. The older blonde man did as he was instructed and Ritsu led him to his room.

The young lord's bedroom wasn't much. It was large-larger than Susan's actually-but included only a few things. His platform bed was in the middle of the room and off to one side was a small dresser. Across from that was a small coffee table and his poster with only the black word of 'strength' on a white canvas. His closet lay beyond the room and had a good amount of clothes.

"What happened?" Tetsuya asked as he closed the door.

Ritsu sat on his bed and looked to the other man, the piercings in his ears reminding him of Susan. Thinking about Susan made a knot form in his stomach. He knew Susan wouldn't hurt him. She couldn't hurt him. But at the same time, there was underlying fear dwelling within him. He couldn't be sure about that now. They were enemies. Susan couldn't care less about him when she found out. That is, if she ever did.

"I know Susan Crea. She teaches the music club with me and I don't think-"

"You teach with SUSAN CREA?" Tetsuya asked in a yell. Then he literally screamed and started to hyperventilate.

"She isn't like what you think she is! She's sweet and doesn't speak well with people and pushes herself too hard," Ritsu argued back in low voice. Tetsuya stopped breathing for a second and then looked at his young lord in horror.

"You LIKE Susan Crea?" He screamed a second time. This conversation was not going well.

"I don't think so," was the answer and it was said with not enough conviction to be taken as truth.

"You don't THINK you like Susan Crea?"

Tetsuya opened his mouth to scream a third time but his mouth was shut by a nervous Ritsu. Tetsuya had the sudden urge to lick the young lord's hand but refrained. Ritsu gathered his breath and sighed deeply.

"You just don't know her like I do. Now stop it. I need your help," Ritsu said in a whisper, now aware that anyone could have heard the conversation.

"Help?" Tetsuya murmured into Ritsu's hand. Ritsu nodded his head and then wondered if it was possible for him to trust the older boy. He had to though. He was in too deep.

"What club does Dojin-kai own?" Ritsu asked as he released his grip on the other's mouth.

"What club do they own? Why do-"

"Just tell me," Ritsu interrupted angrily.

Tetsuya wanted to shy away but seemed almost immune to his anger. The only tell-tale sign was the flinch and widening of his eyes. Ritsu couldn't read people's emotions but he could always read their fear. Tetsuya was afraid of him, that he knew for sure.

And in this exchange, Ritsu was once again reminded that Susan Crea was the only one who was immune to his scary nature. She was the only one who he could feel like himself with. But now she was the possible enemy and he would lose her.

"When they got here, they bought Jupiter and Moons. It's in their territory boarding our western side. Why?" Tetsuya asked, scared of what the young lord was thinking. Tetsuya knew exactly what his thoughts were and continued in a hushed voice, "We can't go into their territory. Didn't you hear your father; Crea-san said she would kill you if we broke the treaty."

"She doesn't know I'm a Kasanoda though. I can go to the club and find out if she's really my Susan," Ritsu thought out loud.

If Ritsu went to the club and saw that Susan wasn't their boss and that she was only there with her friends, he would be convinced. If she was being guarded and the people in the club were her men, he would figure out what to do then. Even though everything said that she was a boss and the evidence was stacked against her, Ritsu didn't want to see the truth.

But at the same time, Ritsu knew that he was only lying to himself. He full well knew that Susan Crea was boss of Dojin-kai. He knew that they were enemies. But this was a secret that he was willing to keep. If he could hide this from Susan and then tell her who he was when the time was right, everything would be okay.

But secrets had always been wrong to Ritsu. Secrets could destroy them. Although the small part of his heart told him that if they were meant to be, she wouldn't care that they were enemies. He knew that their red strings of fate connected them. God, the boy thought, I've read too many shoujo mangas.

"We can't go. They'll know who you are," Tetsuya argued.

"No they won't. We'll go in disguises, besides Susan doesn't even know I'm in a gang. We'll be fine," Ritsu replied, already preparing himself mentally for death. He could very well be killed.

"She can kill us if we go and it will be legal in gang law. We are walking to our deaths."

"Susan wouldn't kill us. She won't, I'm sure of it," Ritsu groaned back. He hoped Susan wouldn't. He wasn't so sure anymore.

"You're in love with her! And from my point of view, you have way too much faith in her. We shouldn't go."

"I'm going, whether you come or not. Now I'm going to have to see what I am going to wear."

Ritsu knew that he was falling in love with Susan. He was falling hard and falling fast. His inner romantic was never one to help him but there was no denying that the connection was there. Ritsu may be dull when it came to reading most emotions, but he knew that in some small way, Susan was falling in love with him too.

But Ritsu Kasanoda wasn't the only one in love with Susan Crea.

* * *

Kyoya Ootori had been with the Host Club all day and it was starting to get on his nerves. Not only had they been wasting time on frivolous actions, they were talking about Susan Crea constantly. The club seemed to be divided on where they stood with Susan's actions with Renge. Kyoya had stayed out of the conversations for the most part.

At the moment those who were in favor of Susan was Haruhi and himself. Tamaki along with the two cousins were on the fence, understanding her actions but at the same time not condoning them. The twins were against her and seemed the most frightened out of all of them. Kyoya could only think it was because they weren't close to her like the rest of them.

"You can't bash her intentions; she said she was only protecting us," Haruhi argued with one of the twins for the millionth time that day.

It was already seven o'clock at night and the sun was barely still lighting the night with rays of orange. Their day had been wasted at the mall with window shopping and complaints that Haruhi should buy better clothes. Kyoya just wanted to go home now. Sitting in the van, he wondered if he should call Susan and see if she's alright. Her nightmares were probably worse with the stress of everything.

"She has killed people, and she will if she thinks someone is hurt. You can't honestly believe that her killing people is alright," came the sharp tone of an orange haired boy and Kyoya watched Tamaki flinch with the attitude to the small girl.

The tone of voice was scared and Kyoya could hardly blame the twin. Susan had pulled weapons on them multiple times since meeting her and they weren't even used to school yard fights. Kyoya was scared of Susan. When she raised her voice and when she would threaten him, he knew she was joking but those jokes were scary enough to chill him to the bone.

"I think she has never known any different. You haven't seen her scars. She's more than just a scary person. Try to think about why she scares people and maybe you'll understand her," Haruhi hissed back at the orange haired twin. The boy shied away from the brunette's anger and Kyoya finally had it with the yelling.

The reminder that Susan was indeed broken and had been in immense pain before, drove Kyoya over the edge. Susan never lied to them before. She was secretive and didn't tell them things but what she said was the truth. She said that she would protect them and protect them she would—even if she had to protect them from herself.

"If you really think that she would kill you, maybe you should ask her yourself. From what she has always displayed, she means us no harm. But because your fear is getting the better of you, let's go to her syndicate," Kyoya said with venom in his voice.

"Great idea Kyoya-kun! We can see if she is okay and maybe then we can take her out and we can go to karaoke," Tamaki exclaimed happily as Mori told the driver where to go. The driver's face screamed danger but he nodded nonetheless as he changed course.

"You just want to go to karaoke," Honey replied to the Host Club's leader. It was true; Tamaki had wanted to go to karaoke for a while now.

The car ride was short and the driver drove abnormally fast as he clutched the steering wheel hard. Kyoya had a sinking feeling in his stomach and he waited to see if this would really be the right thing to do. He couldn't tell. He wanted to know if Susan was okay and if she would even talk to him, but he also knew that she needed space.

But how much space was the right amount of space? When would she feel like they just didn't care about her anymore? When would she start wanting to talk to them but her pride would prevent her from getting even a formal greeting out? When would Susan be their Susan again?

"She'll be fine. I know she'll forgive us," Mori said to Kyoya's left and shocked the younger boy.

Mori was surprisingly helpful sometimes and other times, he would let you drown in your own self-pity. But if Mori knew that Susan would forgive them, then she definitely would. Everything would go back to normal and they would live 'happily ever after'—if there were 'happily ever afters' in real life. Kyoya doubted that they were even real in fairy tales.

When the Host club arrived in front of the large syndicate, there was a silence that spread over them. They weren't on the best of terms with the gang leader and they knew that maybe they shouldn't walk up the steps to the syndicate itself. The gate's door might always be open but that didn't mean that they were welcomed.

"Well we better get going," Haruhi announced to everyone's surprise and leapt out of the car.

The group of kids piled out of the van and slowly made their way to the top of the stairs. Somewhere in Kyoya's mind, Funeral march was playing on replay. When they arrived at the top, the men were all staring at them and the atmosphere immediately turned cold. That is until the scariest of all the gangsters approached them.

Kyoya recognized him as Susan's driver and it was a little off-putting to see him in a black suit with white shirt and matching black tie. The bald headed man turned to look at the other men and 'tsked' loudly. The other men immediately went back to whatever they were doing. Kyoya could only suppose it was because the large man with a gang tattoo on his neck was boss when Susan was gone.

"Is Susan not here?" Kyoya asked the large man and the large man peered down at him with a frown. Kyoya tried his best to appear unappeased but it only came off as cocky.

"Why do you want to know?" the large man boomed and then fixed his suit jacket. It was an intimidating attempt to show the two guns housed there.

"We want to know if she wants to go to karaoke with us," Tamaki said happily and Kyoya wondered how he could put up with such a stupid boy.

"Well, she isn't here," the large man snorted at them. Kyoya could only think it was because Susan wasn't very good at singing and that was why the man was amused.

"Alright, let's go," the twins chanted. Mori grabbed the back of their jackets before they could run back down the stairs.

"Do you know if she would want to go to karaoke?" Haruhi asked calmly.

The large man gave a smirk and then watched each child closely. They each straightened in return and when they thought the large man would tell them to leave, he started to laugh. The laugh was something like a mix between Santa Claus and an evil villain and was the most ridiculous noise Kyoya had ever heard.

"She doesn't really care for karaoke. Says that her accent doesn't sound right with anything she sings. But sorry to tell you guys, she's busy tonight. We're going to our club and she has been at the mall since the morning," the man confesses.

Why the large man told them so much about where Susan was, baffled Kyoya. Maybe he could tell that they weren't a threat to Susan. Or maybe it was because he secretly wanted Susan to have friends. Kyoya appreciated his tip nonetheless.

"What club are you guys going to? We can go to a club!" Tamaki said giddily.

"We aren't eighteen," the twins replied with a sad voice, changing their tune when they heard about the club.

"You guys can come. Susan would have to tell the bouncers to let you in since she owns the place. But you can't drink, they'll strip our license and Susan would be pissed at me," the large man muses, his hand going to his chin and then the back of his head where a couple of scars reside.

"Cool!" Honey yelled and then climbed up on his large cousin, staring at the large man eye to eye.

"I'm Fu. We don't like honorifics around here, so Fu is fine. You're going to have to go change, Susan likes the club to be, well, more American," Fu said in thought, glancing at their preppy clothes. "I think we have some stuff for you little girl. Susan wouldn't mind if we found something for you. As for the rest of you, the twins and Kou will probably have some stuff. Follow me."

The large man led them down the path and the eyes of the other gang members bore into the Host Club. Fu was certain that these kids wouldn't do anything bad to the house. That and he would just kill them if they did. Kyoya was surprised that Fu even let them into the traditional style house, let alone a large meeting room.

The large man left them there and returned with several articles of clothing in hand. Each member of the Host Club was transformed into proper club material and scandalized by how little clothing they each were wearing. Haruhi was ready to have a heart attack with the crop top and short jean shorts. Time flew quickly as they readied themselves but Kyoya was especially quiet about it all.

The boy merely went through the motions, wondering if Susan was alright. They may be going to a club but that didn't mean that she didn't have business that she had to take care of. In addition, if they were wearing this little clothing and Susan normally wears less clothing than them, what the hell was she wearing?

Kyoya's heart beat with the anticipation of a short skirt and thigh highs like she wore once before. But at the same time he was scandalized that a young lady could ever wear that in public. Then he realized that he wouldn't be the only person who would see her and he was filled with anger and jealousy.

Kyoya had the thought that Susan would be dancing with some other boy, probably a killer just like herself and that was not what he needed to think about right now. Susan belonged with him and Kyoya could only justify the statement by saying that she needed someone to watch out for her.

Kyoya Ootori pushed his feelings deeper and deeper into himself. But the deeper he pushed, the harder they were revealed at the surface. He knew that he and Susan were not cut from the same cloth but he knew he understood what she needed more than anyone else. When she was scared, he told her she didn't have to be. When she was angry, he calmed her down—after most likely pissing her off more. He tried to make her happy when she would stare at him with a vacant expression and lifeless eyes.

In turn, she made him not try to be the man his father wanted him to be. Susan made him think of what he wanted and who he wanted to be. She made him wonder if there could be other goals than just being the man he was expected to be. Kyoya wanted to throw out his mission for his father but he couldn't. Kyoya couldn't understand why Susan tried to help him when she knew he had a secret.

She wanted him to be happy, not suspicious and not angry and not scared. Susan wanted him to be Kyoya. And the Kyoya that Susan wanted him to be was in love with the boss of Dojin-kai. So as the Host club readied themselves to go to Jupiter and Moons, Kyoya realized he was in love with Susan. But on the other side of town, a red-head just got into a town car and pictured the same girl in his mind.

These two boys were very different. One was the sun and the other was the moon.

But the Sun and Moon had secrets, secrets which were deadly enough to poison the ground which the love was built upon.

Their secrets were filled with danger and fear— enough to destroy the very girl they had begun to love.

* * *

For the first time in my life, my gang bought a limo to go to our own club. It isn't like we'll get turned away if we don't look good enough. We'll get in. They know who I am; hell they know who everyone is. We don't have to go in a limo. But here we are in a Lincoln stretch with a sunroof blasting Shakira.

"Do your hips lie Susan-sama?" Kou yells at me above the music.

I grin like a fool and watch as the boy with newly dyed electric blue hair stands up through the sunroof and sways his hips provocatively. His black crop top with large white letters spelling out 'Promiscuous' is doing half of the work for him and below the blouse you can see his pale perfect skin. I'm going to have to keep a close eye on him, who knows how he acts when he's drunk.

Plus I'm going to have bat off both women and men to keep from tainting his pure skin. If I didn't see the way he cries like a baby while clutching small figurines, I might actually make a move. He is pretty to look at but he's more of my annoying brother than datable figure. He's only Kou and I somehow wish his hair was a different color—maybe red or jet black.

"Sit back down!" I yell at him childishly as I walk in the car to him, passing the couples on the way.

The twins and cousins are sitting dangerously close to their respective mates and it makes me sort of nervous that they could be doing things in the car with me. It's not like I am childish or even innocent-I'm the most tainted person here-but I just don't like watching it. I don't like seeing, well, those things.

When I get to Kou, I stick my head out of the car and let the wind push my now black and green highlighted hair. Kou wanted me to get blue or red but I settled for a dark green that matched my eyes. It was only in the tips but the dark color was blended so well in my hair that you couldn't really tell it was green at all.

I screamed in joy and then the song changed to Sean Paul's Temperature, Kou's non-anime music being really old hits. He was still stuck in the ninety sometimes but he has been catching up to the times very slowly. The bass goes through my body and I can feel Kou grab my hips but release them quickly.

"I love this song! Please dance with me Susan-sama!" he asks politely and when I nod and turn my back to him, his hands go back to my hips.

I feel better knowing he asked me before he touched me like this. It could have sparked old memories, memories which I am now pushing further and further down, praying that I can forget them forever. But they're there, sitting in the darkness and begging to get out. No, today will be fun; I just need to not pay attention to anything other than Kou's hands on my hips.

I wear a red backless top that is cut short like a crop, but I'm bandaged with stark bandages underneath of my clothes from my pants to my neck; I didn't want everyone to know that I have been injured since I got here. Kou luckily didn't give me some short shorts but instead found the tightest black leather pants which are surprisingly the most comfortable thing in the world. Kou is wearing the same pants but his are red.

I sway my hips and Kou starts to time his hips to the same beat. I can feel civilians watching us but this is my neighborhood and they know who I am. But at the same time I get the uncanny feeling that the town car next to us is following our every move. Well if they open the window, we're going down and besides we'll finish the song and sit. Turning around to face Kou, I find him giddy with excitement and realize just how much we all needed this.

"Kou move your hips in more of an eight. Like this," I say as I grab his bare hips.

Moving his hips he nods and there we are dancing in the middle of the world to a song from back in the day with our heads out of a damn limo. It was amazing. The song flows and comes to an end and I sigh as I straighten my hair. We go back into the car, knowing that the car ride isn't going to take much longer. I wonder if they rented the limo for after-probably not.

"Susan-sama, did you have a club in America?" Hana asks as I catch my breath from dancing. I look at her and start to believe she can only get prettier.

We didn't cut off a lot of Hana's hair but it is vastly shorter. Her black hair now goes to her shoulders and is curled in some places. I observe her as she wiggles next to Aiko in a black mini dress. The dress fits her small physique like a glove and is under a pale pink leather jacket. She has her gun in a shoulder holster, adding to the idea that even when we're in a little black dress and heels we can still kick your ass.

"Yah, but my dad was the one who looked after it more. I went there sometimes with my gang to get a feel for people and the neighborhood, but I didn't frequent it that much," I reply to her question. Hana raises her head in understanding and then goes back to talk to Aiko.

Aiko and his twin are dressed exactly the same and it was weird to see them without yukatas. They wear black skinny jeans paired with dark blue silky button down shirts tucked in nicely with a studded belt. Their shoes complete our whole going for leather trend with black lace up boots. I wanted them to wear a tie with it but Kou said that they would look a little overdressed.

But I had to admit the one who surprised me the most was Haru. The large man had his short blonde hair in spikes and wore the oddest outfit I have ever seen. Well, just odd for him. His pants are a light wash of denim but have multiple cuts and tears through it. His shirt is just a red cotton t-shirt but has the word 'big' and an arrow pointing down. Black converse and a gray leather jacket completes his outfit and every time he looks at his shirt, he blushes profusely.

"I think this is the last time I ever let you dress the guys," I whisper to Kou as I watch Hideo make googley eyes at the large German man.

"But they look great! It matches their personality and all of our daimons are seen," he argues back to me, the music blaring.

I have to give him that. Since Haru's and Hana's jacket cover their shoulder holsters, they rolled up their sleeves to reveal our emblems. The twins have theirs on the middle of their chests and you can see the round sakura blossom through the unbuttoned top. I know Fu, who is going to meet us, will settle with a black suit and his neck emblem will be showing. My neck is always open while Kou isn't tattooed yet.

"Kou, why don't you have our emblem?" I ask the boy, wondering for the first time about it.

"Our old boss said that I had to wait until I was eighteen," he pouts and I laugh, the happy noise lost to the music.

For the first time, I wonder what lives each of these men could have lived had they not been here with me. Would they have been happy? Kou could have gone to school and would have ended up as a model or better yet, a voice actor in an anime. The twins could have gone into business and the cousins would be working in some cubicle somewhere. I would have been dead—that being the best outcome of my life and the worst is having been sold to someone as a slave.

But we're here, happy and morally corrupt. I guess you could say we're living full lives. If happiness is the purpose of living, I suppose we are accomplishing this. But if you would ask someone what the purpose of living might be, they could possibly say it is to live a moral life. In that respect we're failing miserably.

People used to say that I would go to hell because of all the things I had done. My father took me to church a couple of times and I always thought of something that would go against them. No one could ever say that I was going to hell; only God had that power. And by that token, God would see that I am doing these things because I have to; I do these things not only to protect my men but to save those who could have died like me. God wouldn't be able to say that I did these things because I like it. I do them because I have to.

"Hey, don't do that in the car!" Kou shouts to Hana and Aiko.

My eyes begin to see and I notice that Hana has placed herself in Aiko's lap. Their kin who sit across from them are just playing the staring game and I am starting to get entirely too uncomfortable. I pray to the God who sees everything and decides if the righteous men and women who screamed at my family condemning us, to save me.

For a second nothing happens and I wonder if I'm stupid for asking God something when I'm horrible. But my prayers are answered when the car comes to a stop in front of Jupiter and Moons. I fling the door open and grab Kou's hand as we meet the entirely too big crowd trying to get themselves into the club.

There is a line to the right of the boulevard and wraps around with people dressed in every color of the rainbow. The line doesn't move and I notice most of their ages range from as young as Kou and I, to as old as Fu. I know that the kids aren't going to get in and the bouncers in all black suit ensembles aren't going to let in the sloppy people.

Even though I am with my men, I didn't exactly prepare myself for the large crowd. I silently hyperventilate and close my eyes. I am just about to get an attack when Kou pushes Sally into the back of my pants. When I look at him he smiles a comforting smile and found my other men are pushing back the crowd. The bad feelings immediately go away.

"Get out of the way!" Hana and Aiko scream in unison as Haru and Hideo merely shove people out of the way.

As a tunnel appears, I can feel people watching me closely. Their eyes are focused on my upper half but when they find a gun in my pants, they shrink away. My boots hit the concrete with an ominous clink of chains and the switchblades in them glitter in the streetlight. The club is barely getting started, the moon having risen high in the sky. I don't even know what time it is anymore—nine maybe.

"Susan-sama!" one of the bouncers announces loudly when we get to the red velvet rope guard. The other bouncer opens the guard for us and they bow lowly. I smile at them as they replace the guard and then look out at the crowd. This is going to be one hell of a night.

"Hey boys," I coo to them and they rise.

The bouncers are tall and broader than any of my men, intimidating being their main purpose. But they look at me with happy eyes and I know they're excited that I'm here. They're really like Rottweilers—Pa bought me two when I was little. Look intimidating as hell, can probably really do some damage to you if they chose to, but they are just fluffy little beings with their owners.

"Do you want us to hold some of the crowd out and limit the people for you?" one of them asks and I shake my head with a large grin.

"I trust you guys would make this an enjoyable night, so do whatever you guys normally do. I know you always cap the crowd at the right place," I praise them. They both smile toothy smiles and I can see a shining silver tooth in the light in both their mouths.

Kou stands at my side, grabbing my hand as we enter the dark lit place through a black leather door, the music starting to pump into our veins. Soon a red light fills the area and my blouse sways with a fan overhead. The hallway is cramped and the smell of burning candles fills my nostrils.

The club is different from every other club in the country and that is what makes it so popular. It was dark and scary but it smelled great while having the right amount of people and free space. I made sure that we had incense in the air ducts and the lighting was great but nothing could have prepared me for when we stepped into the main room.

"This club is awesome!" Kou whispers to me and I nod dumbly.

The walls are black with red velvet curtains and dim lighting. On the sides are tables filled with people, the dark couches on the side behind them. My men circle me as some people turn around and look at the new comers. Going across the room, I look down and notice a staircase leading to private rooms. Across the area is a balcony where we will sit. The red couches, chaises and chairs embellished with studs and leather.

But when we stand at the top of the club—the balcony giving me full view if attacked—and Kou goes to order drinks from a waitress, I can see what we really came for. The music pounds through me as the electronica is being spun by a DJ in a cage at the center of the pit. The pit is large and people are dancing their hearts away in the middle of the club, the space empty enough for the people to not feel claustrophobic but packed enough to feel like a club.

"Jupiter and Moons," the DJ announces loudly as the music fades slightly into the background but still rages. "May I introduce the belle of the ball, the guest of honor, our faithful owner and leader, the princess of the night, the one, the only, Susan Crea."

There are loud cheers from the crowd but after a few moments, I silence them with a wave of my hand. The people stare at me with wide eyes and I notice that most pull back articles of their clothing to show our gang's emblem.

I smile brightly as I dangle myself over the black iron railing of the balcony. Kicking my leg through the bar I tilt my head and then stick my arm out. I have always wanted to do this. The music stops and I look to my club with a seducing look.

"Well what will it be today my men?" I ask as echoes of my voice bounce off the walls of the quiet club. I make my hand into a fist and put my thumb facing the left side out. I tilt the thumb slightly upward and then downwards, just like Caesar in the Roman Colosseum. I pout and then yell jokingly to my men, "Are we going to have the time of our lives or are you guys not going to live up to my name?"

"We will not let you down. We will make you proud," they yell back and I chuckle lowly as the civilians look to me with surprised looks, caught in the middle of a gang ceremony.

On the left side of the club, there is a fearful and curious aura. I turn to them and glance at a group of college aged men at a table and then smirk at them. Only one man looks back and gives me bedroom eyes. I turn back to my men and put my thumb up while they cheer loudly.

"Then don't disappoint me and behave yourselves!" I yell back and then the DJ spins a heart pounding beat.

I slither myself off the railing and turn to Kou who is handing me a shot of blue liquid. I shake my head with an exasperated look and take the glass. Something is going to happen tonight. I can feel it in my bones.

Gulping the liquor in one go, I crack my neck and drape myself on the couch, staring at the crystal chandelier above the pit. The night feels different somehow—maybe because I'm in gangster mode and having fun or maybe because I don't have to watch everything in hyper mode. But it feels like it is bursting with something.

"Susan-sama can we go dance?" Aiko asks as he wraps an arm around Hana. I look at him and then motion for their counterparts to stand before me. The four of them look suspicious with my actions but I smile away their fears.

"Take turns. I want at least one twin and one cousin with me at all times. Don't drink too much but also have fun. Tonight is your night too and when Fu gets here, you don't have to worry about me anymore. Enjoy yourselves but remember, if I wouldn't do it, then you most certainly can't. I don't want to have a scandal on my hands."

They look at me with large grins, excited that they could ever have a boss that would allow them to have fun. But if they don't do anything bad and I always have two bodyguards if Fu isn't with me, they can do just about anything.

"Thank you Susan-sama," the four of them chants and then bows lowly. I muse how I am actually a gang lord. They rise and then turn to go about their duties but I shout one last thing before I lose my angry couple into the swarm of bodies.

"Protection! Be safe and use protection!" I yell at them and then my shy couple blushes profusely as they look across the balcony.

I'm giving them a lot of freedom but at the same time I trust them with a lot of things. If they get too drunk, so be it. If they forget to switch, so be it. If they get in a fight but come out without blood on their hands, so be it. They just have to behave themselves and stay safe.

Sighing, I wonder if it's the right thing to do. I just hope my men don't do anything bad that I have to sweep under the rug. The air pulses and I know what the feeling is. The feeling is when you have a secret you can't hold any longer. I feel the feeling a lot and am surprised I didn't notice it before.

Somehow, I'm a little more on edge now, but the booze calms my mind and I stare up as Kou orders more drinks. I hope nothing goes bad in this secret-loving club. Lord knows how much I hate secrets.

I've learned that secrets could kill.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club. **

**Alright guys. This is it. The scene that I have always wanted to write. The closest to sex that I will ever put onto word and push out to you guys. The club scene. I'm so fudging excited you can't imagine. And you guys probably think, oh she knows what's going to happen, she's planned this and it seems like old hat, but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing and I obsess over every little thing too much wafter I actually publish it. So, yeah I have no idea what I'm doing. None whatsoever. **

**So who wants Kyoya to end up with Susan? Who wants Ritsu to end up with Susan? Who wants Susan to end up alone in a ditch taking her last breath as she realizes that her gang was everything she should have ever wanted and yearning for something else is a complete waste of time and now she's going to die because secrets can kill? **

**LOL, you guys think this is going to be happy? **

**As always, loves yous guys. Review, Follow, Fave, and as usual obsess. Hope to have the next chapter up soon. **


	19. The Hand That Feels Right

**Chapter Nineteen: The Hand That Feels Right**

* * *

"**You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?...'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche...or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding."**

― **David Levithan, **_**Nick &amp; Norah's Infinite Playlist**_

* * *

"Kou stop ordering so many drinks. And stop making fun of the English names for the drinks!" I chide Kou who has downed three shots and a tumbler of some cognac in the span of getting to the club fifteen minutes ago.

"But _Slippery Nipple_ is so funny. Just listen Susan-sama," his voice gets extremely low and he whispers sensuously in my ear. "_Slippery Nipple_."

I laugh while pushing his face away and grab the shot of clear liquid in his hand. Downing the liquor which tastes like vodka, I laugh at his sad expression at having his drink stolen. Well, at least I learned that he wasn't an angry or stripping drunk. He's one of those drunks that just talks and talks and thinks everything is funny.

Kou goes to walk off and I loop my finger through the chain in his pants, pulling him into my lap. Sitting up, I move him to sit next to me and put my legs on his lap. Kou begins to pet the leather of my pants around the knees. I look up at the ceiling and let my mind wander. That is until I feel Kou's hands go up a little higher on my leg.

"Kou, don't go any higher," I instruct, watching the boy and thinking how he's going to definitely throw up. I turn to the waitress and wave her over. "Bring him some water and don't bring him drinks unless I say it's okay. The last thing I want is for my leather upholstery to be fucked up."

The girl nods her head and Kou mutters how he loves my pants so much. He then realizes that the leather was indeed an animal at one point and freezes. He begins to blubber like a baby but thankfully no tears are involved. The last thing that I would want would be for him to turn into the crying drunk.

I sigh deeply but I shake my boot and the chains jingle, distracting him for a bit. We probably look ridiculous. Turning around I check to see if anyone is watching us. My brain wasn't so fuzzy yet—only having had three shots and a glass of cranberry juice that I told Kou had vodka in it—besides, the worst I get when drunk is sweary and philosophical. I hope.

"He's watching us," Kou says when he lets go of my feet. I keep them planted just in case he wanted to get up and wander around.

"Who Kou?" I ask as I turn my gaze to whomever is coming up the stairs.

"That guy from Sendo that thinks you're hot," he replies and I can see that Kou is talking about Rei.

The blonde man is escorting his guest—an aging Spanish man with a slight port-belly—to us and when we meet eyes, he smirks and then blushes slightly. Rei is dressed in what looks like a red suit and black shirt, the red tie skinny but tasteful. I smile widely as I can see Rei squirm slightly and turn his attention to our guest. The waitress comes in time with a bottle of water—which I made sure was still closed. Giving it to Kou, he frowns at the liquid and pushes it back to me.

"You need to hydrate. Besides I won't let you dance if you don't have some water. You'll throw up or pass out and I don't need that on the new dancefloor," I tell Kou. He moans and I push the water into his hands. "Finish half and then we'll talk about more drinks. Stay here."

"Alright, but only if you promise to hold my hair if I throw up," he replies with a shit-eating grin.

I roll my eyes and put out my pinky. He gives me his and we pinky swear. Turning away as I hear Kou gulp a large quantity of water, I walk to our guest. The feeling in this club is like I can rule the world with only a flit of my eyelashes and the sway of my hips. I fix Sally in the back of my pants as I watch the Spanish man watch me. His eyes roam my body and it feels so perverted. He has to stop and I'll make him in a second if no one does. Rei takes care of that with a loud grunt and a step between us.

"Susan-sama this is Carlos Eso," Rei introduces and I nod for the men to lay back and I knew that Haru and Hideo were pacing behind me. They get too worried.

"_Hello Mr. Eso, it is a pleasure to meet you,_" I say in English, surprising the man with the hint of my New York accent.

The man waves his men away and then runs a hand through his graying hair, his small beady eyes and sharp nose tilting upwards in an attempt to impress me. I quirk my head and look at his gray suit quickly to find no ammunition hidden by bulges. He isn't even packing. This guy is an idiot.

"_It is a pleasure to meet you also Susan Crea,"_ he says and the way my name rolls of his tongue leaves a bad taste in my own mouth.

The man reaches for my hand and I have the urge to slap him away but don't want his bodyguards to pull guns on us this soon. I'll have to wait my time out with this disgustingly lusty old man and tell him off in a bit. When the man has my hand in his sweaty meaty palms, he brings it up for a kiss on the top. His lips are dry and after he releases my hand, he licks his lips in a method that would probably not even work with prostitutes.

"_I hope Rei is treating you well and I hope that you enjoy one of our private rooms downstairs. I'm afraid I won't be able to do the trading with you myself but if you have any problems, feel free to come to my syndicate." _

"_I was actually hoping you would be doing the business yourself, Miss Crea,"_ he gushes with an annoying accent and I struggle to keep the polite smile on my face.

The man does another full body assessment of me and I can't even believe he has the audacity to do it front of my men. This guy is a total and absolute idiot. I can feel myself frown with his second inspection and tense when he reaches for my hand again. My hand eludes his fat fingers and he steps into my personal bubble, looking at me right in the eyes.

"_Mister Eso, I'm going to have to ask you to step back,"_ I say politely but there is a harsh tone to the words. The man doesn't move back but instead I feel his sweaty hand trail down my side.

"_I hoped you wouldn't be like this. I've heard many things about you,"_ he muses and I feel his hand clasp my waist. Slowly he tries to wiggle his way through the bandages and when that fails his hand goes up.

"_And what have you heard?"_ I ask sweetly, his hand going towards my breast and my brain screaming panic. Not yet, I don't have him yet. Besides I'm curious with what is said about me.

"_I heard that you slept with every member of this gang you run. That was the only way your father could guarantee your position as leader. You haven't been a virgin since your father took it from you. It is also said the reason why you wear tights is because you like the feeling of a man ripping them off,"_ he murmurs and his hand brushes my breast, making me shiver with disgust.

Now. His hand is no longer at my breast and his eyes are no longer roaming my body. Instead I am slowly bending his digits and his face is in the ground; I have a foot on his back and his arm is twisted around, leaving me to decide what I want to do with the situation.

His men move to draw weapons but the three bodyguards are easily countered with Haru, Hideo and Rei holding guns to their heads. Kou is at my back and is looking at me for orders. I look towards the DJ and Kou nods and raises his hand, the music becoming louder. It is the perfect volume for breaking fingers and the screaming of old Spanish men.

"_Now, let's get this straight Mister Eso. Number one: I have not slept with anyone in my gang." _

I break the man's index finger and he screams. I push his face into the ground a little more and the pleading starts.

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"_ he says in Spanish and English, the slight pain already messing with his brain.

I have no mercy.

"_Number two: I am leader because I can work politics better than anyone in this country and I can kill a man faster than he can see his life flash before his eyes." _

I break his middle finger and he screams again. Kou brings me a silencer for my gun and I just turn back to the crying mess of a man.

"_Our father, who art in heaven," _the Spaniard begins to pray.

I want to scream that God can't help him, that this is the place where God doesn't like to venture.

"_Number three: I wear tights and stockings because I don't like to fucking shave my legs every day and they make me feel comfortable when I wear short skirts." _

I break his ring finger, the ring that he has on cuts into his finger and blood covers my hand.

"_I'll give you anything you want. Money? Power? You can have it!" _

I shake my head. Has he not been listening to a word I've said? How rude of him.

"_Number four: my father has never touched me like that and if he did, I wouldn't have a father. But most importantly Mister Eso is number five: I never let a man touch me if I don't want him to. And let me tell you something else as a bonus: I always, I mean always, get my way. So don't you go telling what happened today or else I will kill you. Do you understand?" _

"_Yes. Yes, I understand. You're merciful for letting me go. I am forever in your debt," _the man cries out and I break the last fingers of his hand.

I'm too angry to let him go so easily and I lift his face up from the ground and then plunge his large nose back into the black shiny floor. His nose breaks and even I can hear the crack of the cartilage. Standing up, the man rolls to his back and doesn't know whether to hold his nose or to hold his hand, both gushing with blood. Aiko and Hana have arrived and pick the man up and they look to me for orders. I turn to my close advisors and nod towards the stairs behind the curtain of the balcony.

"Take him out the back way. Last thing I want is for the guests to see him wet himself. Hana you can stay here with me just in case," I order and put my hand out for a towel to be placed in it. With the other arm, I have Aiko bring the man to me and I look at the bloody mess that is his face.

"_Please, please,"_ he murmurs in different languages.

"_If you tell anyone about this, you're a dead man. You come to my syndicate, you're a dead man. You come to Japan again and don't tell me, you're a dead man. And most importantly if you ever and I mean ever, I will know, touch anyone against their will ever again, I will come into your home and castrate you, feeding your organs to your own family and tell them it is Japanese foul. Are we clear?" _

"_Yes. Yes." _

"Good," I mutter and then find Kou washing the blood off my hand for me.

Aiko takes the man away and I turn to see if we attracted any attention from the Pit or from the sides. It looks like some of the civilians didn't know what was going on and most are too intoxicated to care. The group of college aged men are being accompanied by some girls in short skirts and garters. The guy who I thought would be my dance partner is smitten with a bleached-blonde vixen and I sigh in disappointment.

"There you go, all sparkly again," Kou murmurs as he grabs my hands and inspects my nails.

"Kou I am not fucking twilight," I laugh at him and wave the waitress over. "Did he drink his water?"

"Umm," she looks at Kou and the boy is too busy tracing the pattern of my hand to notice her presence. "He spilled some but drank most of the bottle."

"Thanks. Get him another bottle but put some mint in it and get me an umm."

I look to the young girl and suddenly wonder how old she is. Her dress is black and her black heels look uncomfortable. Her hair is a short black bob and her black eyes are outlined in blue liner. Her age is only twenty, if even. But I told Fu to make sure that everyone who works is at least twenty.

"Susan-sama?" The girl asks skittishly and I cock my head in wonder.

"What's your name?"

"I'm sorry Susan-sama?"

"Your name," I tell her and raise my eyebrows in suspicion.

"Emi," she answers and then looks at the floor in embarrassment.

"How old are you?" I ask her gently and she immediately stiffens. "You aren't twenty are you? Did you lie on your paperwork?"

"I-"

"Emi, before you think about lying, just remember that I broke a man's fingers and nose a few moments ago. I just want to tell you that telling me the truth now will be better than if I leave and find out we got cited," I advise the girl. She looks like she's going to cry and Kou comes up to look at her.

"Why are you crying?" The boy murmurs as he goes into her face. She looks at me and then bows lowly, Kou stepping back.

"I'm sorry Susan-sama. I needed a job and my rent was due. I had nobody who would help me but I saw the job when I passed and just started working. They didn't ask me as long as I showed up and wasn't complained about," she cries, tears falling to the ground. I go to her slowly and raise her head to look at me. She's shorter than me even with heels.

"It's okay. If you need a job, I'll have Fu find something else for you to do. But I don't want you here. I can't protect young girls from the bad things if they throw themselves into that environment. Finish today and then I'll set something up for you."

"Thank you Susan-sama. I'll bring your drinks. Did you decide what you wanted?" She asks me, wiping the tears away before her mascara gets runny. I look at her and think. I normally just drink whatever my gang would bring me.

"I'll take a, black velvet on the rocks," I tell Emi and it doesn't seem to translate over correctly. _"Black Velvet whiskey."_

"I'll ask the bartender," she replies after she thinks about it for a second. Maybe they don't have it. That would be a shame. My Pa would always drink it. She leaves a second later and Kou and I resume our positions on the couch, him sitting next to me and petting my hand still.

I look out at the Pit and wonder if Kou would just dance with me. We dance well and I don't have to worry about some pervert coming up to me. But then again, I think I would want to spice things up a bit. Kou is always with me and I want to dance with someone who is going to want to take me home. Of course, I'm never going to agree. I just want to dance like it. This might be just a normal night at the club for me. Oh, well, I guess the secrets have already been revealed.

"Susan-sama?" A voice asks and I look to the side to find Fu and a whole ball of strange.

And what's strange is that I somehow see the Host Club behind him. Even more shocking than that is their more American clothing. The twins had blue tank tops, that I had seen Kou wear around the house, with ripped black jeans; Mori wore a t-shirt that had been cut for the sides to be gone and tight jeans; Honey was wearing a tube top-my black one!- and jeans with chains; Tamaki was wearing a red yukata top with white leather pants; and Haruhi, sweet Haruhi, had a pair of my short shorts with white thigh high tights and a white frilly blouse.

"Susan-sama, we're looking for the black velvet for you. The bartender says it's in the back but for now I brought you two shots of-" the waitress says no more because I took the glasses off the platter and put my head back to down the first.

"Susan don't do that," a cool voice murmurs behind the waitress as the second glass of liquor goes down with a sting.

My belly feels warm and I can feel a blush come into my face as Kyoya looks at me. I hadn't noticed him and am surprised with him. He wears black jeans with a white t-shirt with the black words 'I'm ready'-one of Kou's favorite pieces from his wardrobe-and a black leather jacket a size too big for him. I can feel myself want to faint and I look at Fu immediately. As I shoot him an accusing look, he puts his hands up with a happy smile.

"Why are they here?" I hiss as I push off my chaise. "They can't be here. They're minors. Besides I am mad at them! Why are you trying to make me suffer?"

"I just thought that you were suffering with how you looked this week," Fu replies as I am suddenly at his throat with a hand.

My hand wavers inches from his skin and I drop it with disappointment. He just wanted to help. But this is the last thing I wanted right now. I wanted to forget about them. I massage my temples and turn away from Fu with a huff. God, I need another drink. I take a step and find that maybe I shouldn't drink. Kou comes out to me and hands me a bottle of water. Taking it, I sip as I look to the awkward group of people in front of me.

"Why is my only question. Why? Why, why, why, why, why?"

"Because we missed you," Honey says as he launches himself at me. Fu gently grabs him and gives him to his larger cousin.

"You're scared of me and you walk into a club I own, with a gangster escort, where my gang is surrounding you and where I can murder you and get away with it," I state and can see the Host club stiffen. I sigh and drink my water and then go the railing, turning back I call out to them. "Come here. No, I am not going to throw you off. I want to show you something."

The children look at each other and then at me. I hand my water bottle off to Hana who has finally joined the conversation. I wave at them one more time and they finally come to the railing. Kou comes up behind me and leans his head on my shoulder. Patting his head for reassurance, I can see the Host club wonder at what I'm trying to show them.

"What are we looking at Senpai?" Haruhi asks to my right. Kyoya peers at me from my left and I blush slightly with the intensity of his gaze and the liquor.

"Tell me what you see," I say as I motion to the Pit. They look back confused.

"A bunch of sweaty people," Honey says as he peers through the bars, his cousin nodding in confusion. I nod to them and then turn to the twins, who look reluctant to say what they think.

"Tell me. I won't be mad," I reassure and smile a motherly smile. The two seem slightly startled by this but then they look down in shame.

"We see a bunch of thugs and murderers," they remark. I turn to Kyoya and he looks like at me trying to find the meaning of this.

"I see a bunch of gangsters," he remarks and looks to the DJ who is gives me a thumbs up. I nod to the music man and he plays a new song.

"I see, people," Haruhi and Tamaki say at the same time to my right. They look at each other in surprise and I can see them blush brightly as they turn away from each other. They're going to have a nice night.

"Do you want to know what I see?" I ask as Kou wraps his arms around my waist to keep himself from swaying. The others nod their heads and I look at the Pit. "I see joy. I see my family having a good time. I see people which society has deemed unfit and merciless, when society was the merciless one to them. These are people who are forced into my gang because they weren't able to function in the way society says. They didn't start out as bad or as lazy or as killers. Society has made us into this and I just so happen to be one of them."

"It's okay Susan-sama," Kou says as he nuzzles my hair. I can feel my tears come to the surface as a cold hand grabs hold of mine. Our fingers intertwine and I take a deep breath.

"You can be afraid of me," I tell the Host Club. "I am not like you. I have not lived anywhere near the life that you have lived. You have been privileged to live the life you live and I am not envious because I would **never** trade my life for yours. You don't deserve it-**no one** deserves it. But I want you to know that I won't hurt you. I wanted you to be a part of my family and you don't have to, but I will always treat you like one of us."

Somehow after I say all of this, it feels uncharacteristically silent even with the music from the club. I can feel Hana come to drag Kou away from me as she looks at my hand intertwined with Kyoya's. But somehow his hand feels wrong in mine. For the first time I don't think it's comforting and am looking for something warmer.

His answer also told me everything that I needed to know. Even though he wants to be my friend, his mission is still to gather information on me. In the back of my mind I tried to shove it down and believe that this could be something more, but my stomach is filled with butterflies of a different nature. What made the change between me wanting him and now knowing I can't be with him, is a mystery to me.

"Thank you," Tamaki breaks the silence.

I can hear his voice is sincere and when I look into his eyes, it's clear to me that he has never been accepted into a family before. I smile a comforting and friendly smile to him, my metal face and tattoo somehow misplaced with the action. But Tamaki is on the verge of breaking and I nudge Haruhi in the shoulder, she now turning to Tamaki and embracing him. Tears which had gathered into his eyes, fall onto her shoulder and he embraces her more as if he couldn't hug her tight enough.

"Now, why don't you all go dance. Tonight is supposed to be fun," I tell the Host Club, slipping my hand away from Kyoya's and avoiding his gaze.

Something doesn't feel right. Why don't I feel right with allowing myself to like him? I was beginning to think he could help bring me from the darkness but now I feel as if I don't need him. What has changed? Why is this wrong? Who did my heart choose now? Maybe the alcohol is really getting into my head. I don't know what I'm talking about. It's the liquor speaking.

The Host Club cheers and I look behind me to find all of my men are back. I can feel Kyoya wondering what happened and I don't have the knowledge or heart to tell him that he doesn't** feel** right anymore. Rei shifts uneasily as I smile at him. Then Haru grabs Hideo's hand and leads the Host Club down the stairs. Hana and Aiko intimidate the Hitachiin twins and they scurry down. Kyoya tries to wait for me but somehow Kou took him away.

"I'll stay here and guard," Rei utters and looks to Emi who has brought me my drink. I gratefully accept as I watch Fu come to my side and watch everyone in the Pit.

"You can go dance when I go dance if you want. Fu is here with me," I offer but he shakes his head and proceeds to blush. I laugh and feel myself get even warmer with my new drink. "What happened to the 'I'm going to tell the gang leader she's smoking hot' Rei that I met at the dance?"

"I was nervous, I just spit it out," he guffaws with a nervous laugh. I smile at him and figure that maybe he was in gangster mode when we met and now this is how he is. He would have never been able to run an entire gang. I'm lucky he can lead the men he commands now.

For a moment I just sip my drink and can feel my shoulders relax. I didn't even know they were tense to begin with. Maybe I shouldn't drink anymore because I feel as if my feet are moving on their own. I grab the railing, knowing Fu was watching the entire exchange with the Host Club. He's totally going to ask about Kyoya like an overprotective dad.

"Susan-sama," Fu murmurs as I turn back to the Pit. "What happened with that boy? Do you not like him?"

"I don't know. I thought I did but it doesn't feel right anymore. I can't tell why," I tell Fu with a sip of my drink, already finding it empty. Another drink is suddenly in my hand and I clutch it tightly. Fu nods and then looks out to the crowd.

"Maybe you like someone else. You always seem like you wanted someone who would save you. Maybe he isn't the one you want to be rescued by."

I tilt my head in wonder and watch my men. I still feel like the secret hasn't burst from its cage yet. Looking out at the crowd, I wonder which person holds the secret that is threatening to be released. As I look to the entrance I can feel something happening. I nod to Fu and then make my way down the stairs, Rei staying behind with a wave of my hand.

Something is going to happen. Holding my drink, I walk across the dancefloor, my men bowing to me as I go along. Going through the tunnel, the incense smells better than the first time and I check for Sally in my pants just to be sure. Finally I reach the entrance and see my bouncers arguing with some kid.

"We waited this whole time and you're going to cap it there? You can have another twenty people!" A figure with a beanie and bandana says. They're short and their hooded friend with them looks down in embarrassment.

"What's going on here?" I say as I come out from behind them. The bouncers and Fu stiffen with me going to the boys but I take a sip of my drink as I watch the guests start to get nervous.

"We capped it here but these men are saying we can allow more people," my bouncers say and I nod to them. They did right then.

"Then if you feel as if we can't allow people, then we can't allow them in. Sorry that you're the poor saps who got left out. Come a bit earlier next time," I say with a stern voice to the two men. I turn around when I feel as if something is going to happen.

"Susan?" One of the voices says and I stiffen with realization.

I know that voice. It's warm and it is sometimes nervous but is scary at times, even though I am never afraid. That voice belongs to a boy who can't speak to small children when it is unnecessary but will speak up with sincerity if he needs to. But what exactly is that voice doing here?

I turn back around and peer behind the hood of the second boy. The first looks like a blonde but his hat and the bandana around his mouth make me unsure. Underneath the hood is red hair and light brown eyes.

_"Goddamnit why are there so many minors trying to get into my club?_" I ask no one in particular. I then turn to my bouncers. "I know these guys. I'm going to have them come with me. Have everyone else leave. We're closing the doors."

"Hai," my intimidating bouncers reply as I grab Ritsu's and his friend's hand, handing my drink off to Fu.

Entering the club, I can feel Ritsu's hand wrap around my wrist. The motion of it makes me look back and I find him nervous. God he just saw Sally. He knows I'm a gangster and he knows that I'm the boss. What the hell is he even doing here?

When we get out into the crowd of people, I turn left going down the steps to private rooms. The volume lowers and I grab Ritsu's hand to reassure him that everything is okay. He squeezes it back in understanding.

"Susan-sama, would you like to tell what is going on?" Fu murmurs as he comes next to me, looking at both boys.

"I know the redhead. He's Ritsu," I tell Fu with certainty as I turn down an even quieter hall and into a room.

"The boy you teach with?" Fu asks with surprise as I release both boys and throw them into the room. I look at them and give them an embarrassed smile.

"Give me one second," I tell them as I close the door in their faces. The hallways are black and the lighting brighter than the club itself. It only accentuates Fu's nervous face and my now pounding head. Maybe I shouldn't have breathed in the outside air. "Yes the boy I teach with."

"Why is he here? You didn't say you invited him."

"I didn't. But I did tell him that some of my friends and I were going to go to a club," I tell Fu as I rub my temples. I take my drink back from him and take gulp it to relieve the headache coming on. This is just too crazy of a night. I can't do this anymore.

"You held his hand," Fu says matter-of-factly, looking at the door in a suspicious glare.

"We were going through the club," I argue but can feel myself blush to my ears.

"Did if feel right?" The man asks as he looks down at me. His face is curious but at the same time happy and scared. He wants me to be happy but he's overprotective of me.

"I think so," I say back to him. His hand felt warmer than Kyoya's. Wait, what am I even talking about? I'm drunk and confused and I have a headache. I can't make decisions right now.

"Maybe he's the reason," Fu starts but I shake my head in denial.

"I don't know. Take my drink. I shouldn't have anymore. Get me some water as I figure out just what's happening here. I don't even know why I dragged us down here," I rant, arms flailing with my speech. I need water.

"Okay. But be safe," he replies. I open the door and look at him with a doubtful look.

"Ritsu wouldn't hurt a fly," I yell at him as he walks down the corridor. Wait, did they hear that. Damn, I already opened the door. I look to the boys in the room and find that it looks exactly like my balcony but with red walls and better lighting. "Now what are you doing here?"

"I," Ritsu starts but I walk to him and rip the hood off his head.

I stare at him for a second and then sigh deeply. His outfit is an all-black ensemble of black jeans and black t-shirt under a leather hoodie. It was weird seeing him in such a dark color. But then again, I think it suits him and his hair shines with an unearthly glow. His friend is merely in jeans and a white t-shirt with jean jacket and black bandana. Who is that kid? I don't even care anymore. I sway slightly as I sigh a second time.

"Why are here? You shouldn't be here. I have a headache," I whine as I take a seat. Ritsu's friend is looking at me with a curious look and I smile a sad smile at him. "How can you breathe with that?"

"Susan are you drunk?" Ritsu says with wide eyes as he looks into my face. I push him away and rub my temples.

"I don't think so. Maybe I'm not yet. Yes. Yes totally bad right now. God, why did you come?" I ask again, my mind being filled with too many things at the same time that I can't think of individually. The boy looks at me and I know that maybe that last drink wasn't something I should have had. "Do you know who I am?"

"Susan Crea," he replies with a straight face as he paces in front of me. I snort with his actions and pat the seat next to me. He looks at it for a second and then comes to sit next to me.

"Do you know **what** I am?"

"Drunk."

"I'm boss of Dojin-kai. I am literally a mob boss. That's what I am. Now you know my secret!" I say loudly as I hiccup only once. I stare at my hands for a second to find that they are sparkly. Kou wasn't lying to me.

"I know, I know," Ritsu says as he looks to his friend with an angry look.

I can't tell what's going on with them but they seem to be having a cold war with each other. I look at him and then his friend, who freezes in fear. They're scared of me. I knew It. Gently, I grab Ritsu's hand in mine. The boy suddenly turns to me and looks at my face for some clue why I did that. I just smile and blush slightly.

"I won't hurt you. I promise. You're my friend," I say with a large grin as Fu comes back with water and two Tylenol. He comes up to me and gives me the pills and then stares in shock at Ritsu whose hair and face he has barely seen.

"Susan-sama."

"Yes Fu," I reply after I down the pills and almost a full glass of water. The man looks at me and then looks at my hand clutching Ritsu's. He seems to be at a loss for words and then he looks at Ritsu's face. I check it after him but am sure that it changed from the look he gave Fu.

"Nothing. I was wondering if you would want to go back up and dance. Kou was asking for you," he replies and I know that wasn't what he was going to say.

But I let it slide nevertheless, taking my gun out of my pants and handing it to Fu. I can feel the boy's eyes widen with looking at the gun. But he remains holding my hand in his warm one, the sweat from our anxiety mixing together in our palms.

"Do you want to dance with me Ritsu?" I ask him quietly, now embarrassed that my actions have been very forward with him. My brain is trying to expel the alcohol, but by the light bursts, I don't think it's working.

"I can dance with you," he replies, shy now also.

But I smile a wide smile as I stand and drag the boy out of the room. We run down the hall and I laugh at Ritsu's face when he trips on something. Looking back at him I am suddenly really happy that he came. He frowns and looks behind him with a glare as if to tell the imaginary obstacle he would get him next.

We make it to the secret door leading up to the middle of the Pit, a second entrance I only know about. But for a second I pause and squeeze Ritsu's hand, realizing that he could very well be scared of me and just going along with everything that I say for fear of his life. I don't want to force him to do anything. I don't want him to be scared of me.

"Ritsu?" I ask as I stare at the ground. The short spurt of energy clearing my mind slightly but not enough yet. I wish I hadn't drank so much.

"What?" he asks in his gruff way and squeezes my hand when I'm silent for too long.

"Are you scared of me?" I ask quietly. "You don't have to stay if you're scared."

The boy then comes around and stands in front of me. With his other hand he lifts my chin ever so slightly so I look into his brown eyes. They are so pretty with the lighting and I swear I see flecks of gold in them. He blushes and looks down with the intensity of my gaze. This time I raise his chin to look at me and I fix a piece of his red hair that came into his face. Putting it behind his ear, I can feel him lean into my hand. He grabs it as it was about to fall and holds it next to his cheek as his gaze intensifies.

"I will never be scared of you. No matter what. I want to be here with you. This makes me happy and I promise that even if the whole world is afraid of you, you will have me by your side."

I can feel tears gather into my eyes with his words and I take my hand away from his cheek to wrap my arms around his neck and I bury my face into his chest. For a second the boy is shocked but he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me so tight against him. I inhale his scent and find it somehow appealing. It smells like fresh laundry and a hint of toothpaste and the bark of a tree. Why is that such a comforting smell?

I put my hands into his hair and I can feel his hands go to my hair also but stop short at my ears. He trails his finger along my cartilage and I pull his hair for a second. I need to feel his mouth. I pull away and find him surprised for a second. But when he catches me leaning into his face, he turns away, my lips smacking the side of his jaw.

"No. You're drunk and I don't want our first kiss to be like this," he murmurs into my ear as he moves my face to the side his own head. I groan with his chivalry. Of all the times that I'm bold enough to actually want to kiss a boy, they turn out to be too knightly. Ritsu chuckles deeply creating goosebumps on my skin. "I really was considering it though."

"Alright, I guess I could believe you. But you are going to dance all night with me," I say as he still holds my waist. I look up at him and for a second he has some weird look in his eyes. Maybe I did something wrong. "Please?"

"I am in," he starts but doesn't finish, still looking at me. What he was going to say I don't know, but the look in his eyes leaves for second as he buries his face into my neck. "I need to take off this jacket. I'm burning up with this thing."

"Leave it down in one of the rooms. We can come and get it later," I murmur as I wonder what sentence would have been started with those three little words.

My head fogs and he lets me go, going into a room to put his jacket away. What was he going to say? Why was I going to kiss him? I have never kissed anyone willingly before. Will it feel good? Does Ritsu want to do this again? He did say he didn't want our 'first' to be like this. That implies he wants to do this more than just once.

Oh but why does he want to kiss me in the first place? Does he like me? Oh, my god. I think he likes me. I don't think he would want to date me though. Last thing his parents would want would be their son with a gangster. And I'm a gang lord at that. That family dinner is going to be very awkward.

It's going to be weird if my Pa visits. He'll give Ritsu an even harsher treatment than Fu would. I can tell Fu to leave him alone but my Pa will just do whatever he would want. Oh my god. Would he want kids? Does he want sex? I can't handle sex. No sex. Can't have sex.

Maybe he doesn't even like me. Yah, let's not think about the other stuff. He comes back and I find that his shirt was a tank and his arms are buffer than I would have expected. I blush as I find that I was completely gawking. I am never drinking again.

"Ready?" Ritsu asks as he holds his hand out to me and I take it gently, intertwining our fingers. He gives me a reassuring smile and my stomach does a flop. I'm so happy and I open the door to the flood of people.

I know I might be too drunk to think this but I think I'm in love with Ritsu.

* * *

**Club scene is spreading to two chapters because I want to really give it what it deserves. Also, I kinda want a fight between Kyoya and Ritsu but doubt I write that. But here is part of it. If you're wondering if Susan is out of character, she's two drinks away from being shit-faced so, yah. Yay Ritsu and Susan. I am actually really happy with them right now. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**


	20. Too Good To Be True

**Chapter Twenty: Too Good To Be True**

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"**You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." **

― **Dr. Seuss**

"**I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?" **

― **John Lennon**

* * *

The swarm of people seemed to be moving to the same heavy bass as we entered the crowd. I held Ritsu's hand in mine and when we were far enough into the throng of bodies, I stopped and turned to him. The liquor made my head woozy and I grab onto the boy's hips to keep myself from falling. Ritsu puts his head down in embarrassment but wraps his arms around my back.

"Is this okay?" he asks in my ear, the music too loud for anything but direct transfer from his mouth. I nod slightly, the feeling of being dirty coming to me for a second. Even in my drunken stupor my past still haunts me.

"I think I'll be fine," I reply into his ear. Ritsu nods once but then gives me a wary look.

"Don't be afraid to tell me to stop," he says back and I blush while putting my hands into his hair. I'm overjoyed with his care and consideration for me. Giving a wild grin to his neck I have the urge to kiss it but refrain.

"And if you don't want this, you can tell me. I won't be mad," I reply in an honest but seductive voice.

"I highly doubt that," he chuckles and his chest rumbles next to my body. He pulls me closer and there is no possible room for Jesus. The song changes around us and it is oddly familiar.

"Good," I whisper and place a light kiss on his cheek close to the start of his ear. If he won't let me kiss his mouth, I think it would be best to make him regret it. But he was only trying to be a good boy.

The feeling of my lips on his face makes Ritsu shiver and I start to make us sway. The hands around my hips go higher and rest on my waist, a chaste choice considering there isn't a centimeter of body that is touching another. The song starts with a trumpet and I leave my hands at Ritsu's shoulders. My hips start to rotate and my partner starts to follow my lead. The trumpets turn into a heart pounding beat and I feel myself soar.

"_The bass and the tweeters make the speakers go to war!_

_Ah, the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor!"_

My hands start to roam on the boy's chest and he holds his breath. I hold my own too but more because I'm too drunk to multitask. The hands which were so chaste before start to enter my hair. I look up at the boy and he's staring at me intently. As we dance I can't identify what the emotion is in his eyes. As I smile at him he gives me back a bright smile of his own. I know we are both blushing through my drunken haze.

"_We get that bass thumpin', people jumpin' all over the world_

_We got them speakers pumpin', Timmy Trumpet for the woman with curves. Got that freak flow, freak show welcome to the circus let the leaders lead, preachers preach, welcome to the service." _

I look back down and try to figure out how exactly this happened. Why am I dancing with him and feel so exhilarated with his smiles? This shouldn't be happening. I don't let people touch me and yet here we are all over each other. I shiver but not from being cold. Probably because my body is getting hot from the alcohol or something else. I should feel exposed but I only feel happy.

"_The bass and the tweeters make the speakers go to war!_

_Ah, the mighty trumpet brings the freaks out to the floor!"_

I turn in his arms and his strong limbs go around me. The song ends and I can hear another song start. For a long time I'm overwhelmed with how happy I am. After a while it feels like it's only us on this crazy planet. Ritsu protects me from the world and I don't feel like the gang boss that I am. I feel like Susan, all thanks to a boy with red hair and a scary face. I really like him.

I want to continue to feel this way. But what if they hurt Ritsu? I can't be strong enough to protect everyone. So should I be happy? Can I be happy? If Ritsu makes me happy I can be with him if I protect him. I will protect him and he'll be there when I get home with the blood of my enemies soaked into my hands. He can save me from myself and my life. But I can't make him choose to stay with me, he has to make the decision on his own. I've already made mine. There is only the feeling of hands and safety for a long time as we sway in the crowded pit.

"Susan will you remember this tomorrow?" Ritsu suddenly asks and I wonder how long we've been like this. Turning myself around I nuzzle my head into his chest.

"That depends," I say with a giggle. I feel Ritsu lean down and can feel my hair shift. The large boy kisses my head and then squeezes me to him.

"What does it depend on?" he asks and I notice his voice is gravelly for a moment.

I put my hands on his hips and inch my way for me to feel his bare skin. His body is clammy and hot but it's hard and soft at the same time. I feel another kiss on my head and I want more. My heart beats so hard in my chest it could implode in any second. I've never wanted to do something like this before. I have never wanted to be this close to a person. There has never been anyone that I wanted to tell everything about myself to. Maybe it's because I'm drunk or maybe it's Ritsu.

"It depends on when this dream, because it is a dream come true, when it ends, will you still be here? Will you really be by my side?" I say, the fear coming through my barrier of alcohol. He doesn't have to be here. He won't be here. No one ever stays.

"Do you think you'll remember what I'm going to say?" he presses on and I shake my head against his neck. "I am so deeply in love with you that even if I got hit by a car and have amnesia, I will still love you. I will always love you. I will love you until the day I die."

"God you're like a bad romcom," I laugh and Ritsu squeezes me harder than ever.

My chest hurts with his pressure and I look up into his face. It's doubtful and scared. I lift my hand and place it on his cheek. Trailing my thumb on the bone, I trace all the way to his neck. The boy looks down at me with such frightened eyes. Their light brown color screams at me that he doesn't believe I could love him back. He's taking a leap of faith and he isn't positive if I'll be there to catch him.

"I don't know if I want you to remember this in the morning or not," he whispers and the words barely make it to me. My hand curls around his neck and my fingers rub the back of his neck.

"I'm not sure if I'll remember any of this. Actually I probably won't remember a damn thing," I giggle to him and he frowns deeply. I give him a goofy smile and he lightens up and smiles back at me. "But I know that I feel like I've never felt before with you. I'm pretty sure I love you too. Even though I have known you for what like a month tops, I am hopelessly in love with you. So tomorrow when I don't remember a damn thing, and I won't be as open and I'll be scared to love you, make me remember the way I feel right now. Don't give up on me. Please don't give up,"

"I won't give up on you, ever," he promises and we just stare at one another.

Our souls are bared and we are both so vulnerable. But somehow I'm not scared that Ritsu will destroy it. I feel safe when I'm with him and I could only hope that he feels safe when he's with me. I place my face into his shoulder, our arms gathering each other up, and we just sway gently to the pounding music. It is like we're alone in the world. But because we have each other we couldn't feel more complete. We stay like that for a long time and I lose track of the minutes and hours.

"Susan-sama!" a voice travels through the crowd.

"Ritsu!" an equally loud voice calls.

We both stiffen and weigh our decisions of being caught. I know that my gang would want to be with me for a bit—well it would probably only be Kou because the twins and cousins are fine by themselves. Ritsu, I know doesn't want the moment to end and sigh deeply into his chest, the feeling of laughter coming up for no other reason but the alcohol swimming in my blood. Ritsu places a gently kiss on my forehead and his lips leave a scalding reminder that he does love me. I giggle this time.

"Susan-sama, I've been looking for you everywhere," a voice that is too close too soon tells me. I let go of Ritsu and take his right hand with my left, turning to my blue haired brother in arms. He is accompanied by a masked boy I recognize as Ritsu's friend.

"What's wrong Kou?" I ask him as Ritsu braces me from swaying. I may have clear enough thoughts but I sway too much and think everything is funny. I shouldn't have drank so much. I would have wanted to remember Ritsu's words.

"I thought I lost you! Or that you left!" he slurs slightly and I now notice Ritsu's friend clutching his hand to keep him steady. I wonder where they found each other.

"I didn't leave you. Now what do you want to do?" I ask him and the friend stiffens, probably with the prospect that he'll have to dance.

"I think, I think, we should go to the bathroom and you can talk about boys with me. Isn't that what girls do in the bathroom?" he slurs and his dark eyes turn to Ritsu.

I can tell he isn't going to say anything nice so I let go of Ritsu to take Kou's hand. But that could have been the worst situation possible because neither of us were sober enough to walk on our own. Kou starts to go down first and I hold onto him as best as I can. My own body is making a descent to the dance floor but we're both stopped. Ritsu has his arms around my waist and his friend has grabbed Kou.

Kou is like putty and isn't much help with staying up. Ritsu's friend looks to us and I arrange myself in the redhead's arms. My back is against his chest and I watch as Kou starts to grab at his savior with drunken hands. I smile largely at the boy who saved my brother and he gets fed up with Kou choking his neck and loses his mask and hat. The boy is blonde and he picks Kou up bridal style. Ritsu's arms stiffen around me and I look at the boy closer in the black light. I know I know who he is. I feel the world spin even though I've stopped moving.

"Uhhhh," the familiar blonde lets out and I take a step towards him, Ritsu steadying me. This is when I notice Kou doesn't look all that good.

"Susan-sama, I feel sick," Kou whines and I feel my lazy eyes widen.

"Let's take him downstairs," I tell my companions and start to walk through the crowd.

They begin to follow me, Ritsu connecting himself to my hand with his. My men in the crowd pause as I pass and offer large smiles and half bows. I nod my head in acknowledgment and try to appear sober. I think they know and I hurry our group to the stairs. When we start our descent I notice that I really am shitfaced. The stairs become a hassle and I then wonder just how I'm going to get back up. Fu should be down here or I'll just call him. We manage to not die on the steps and find ourselves back in the room we were at hours before—at least it felt like hours.

"Susaaaaan," Kou gurgles and I turn quickly to the boy.

He's gonna be sick. The blonde who holds Kou's limp body looks at me with a frightened expression. Grabbing his arm, I lead him to the bathroom connected to this room and he follows with a brisk pace. The boy drops Kou and I open the toilet seat in time for Kou to throw up. It sounds absolutely disgusting and I hold him up as he kneels to the porcelain god. Pulling his hair back he convulses with the action of emptying his guts.

"Ritsu, can you call Fu and tell him to come down here please? I have to take Kou home," I confess with sadness in my voice.

I take my phone out of my boot and hand it to Ritsu. The redhead nods once and then goes to a quieter place. The blonde comes around and looks at Kou worriedly. His honey eyes inspect my brother as he moans between up chucks. I look at him and in the better lighting finally recognize him. He was the Sendo heir who is now at Kasanoda. And what the fuck was he doing in my club?

"Susan," Kou cries out and I rub his back as I reposition my other hand to hold all of his hair.

Kou throws up again and I stop the soothing motion for a moment and have my hand on my hidden blade in my boot. Turning a deadly look onto the blonde, I watch as he stiffens. My eyebrows descend even more in my anger of having an enemy so close to Kou. But all of this is shattered when I can hear Ritsu talking on the phone. Killing his friend in front of him might not be the best of things right now. Nevertheless, this boy did break our treaty and is possibly here to harm my men.

"Why are you here? You should know the treaty!" I hiss in a whisper. It comes out strong even though I sway slightly with my drunkenness.

"I came for Ritsu. I didn't want him to get hurt," the boy confesses and I can see in his eyes that he's telling the truth.

I weigh decisions once again. He was worried about his friend. How does he know Ritsu? Is Ritsu in a gang? Oh my god, what if he's in Kasanoda? Calm down. I can get him out. I can protect him. He's still young and doesn't have a tattoo yet, so he can't be deep into the gang. Besides the boy can hardly hurt a fly. People probably think he's just scary. But being scary is one thing and being in a gang is a whole other ball of wax.

"How do you know Ritsu?" I ask, trying to keep my blank and cold face, but it fails. Instead, I know my fear peaks through and I look at the boy with pleading eyes-eyes that want to believe that I could keep loving the boy with red hair.

"He saved me when I ran away. He is my first friend," the boy assures and I can find no lie in his words. "He's just my friend."

"Only a friend?" I ask and the boy's eyes widen. I swallow hard and can see the curiosity that lines his eyes. "Not his clansmen?"

"No, he's not my clansmen."

The words feel like the invisible hand that was choking the blood to my heart disappears. Smiling widely in relief, I can see the boy kneel next to me. My hand goes back to my boot, having dropped to the floor to keep my balance. The boy's bandage hides his tattoo on his cheek and he puts a hand on my shoulder. His eyes scream at me that he didn't expect me to be this way and I giggle slightly when he flinches at my grin.

"Did you not think I was human?" I ask him in a teasing voice.

His eyes soften and I know what he thought about me. He was under the impression that I was a stone cold killer. They all think that I can kill a person and not relive the memory at least three time before the earth spins and completes a day. I know they think I'm a monster, when in reality, I'm just a scared girl who is clinging with every breath and beat of her heart, to her family. I just want to be happy. I just want my family to be safe. I just want to feel the love of my gang. I just want to be loved by a redhead boy.

"I thought you were, well, not this," he murmurs and I notice that Kou has finally stopped throwing up. Smiling at the boy, I motion to the towel on the rack and he gets it for me. I sloppily wipe Kou's face and he starts to mumble incoherently.

"Thank you for taking care of him," I say to the boy and he just shrugs.

"I was having fun dancing with him. Also, he was too drunk to be alone," he tells me and for the first time gives me a large smile while blushing slightly. He likes Kou. I can tell. Now, only if he can handle being with Kou when he's sober. Because he's a hell of a lot different when he's sober.

"Well, I'm sure we can arrange for you to come over to visit. As long as you don't interfere in our business or kill anyone, you can be on our land," I say in a jumbled mess that leaves my mouth before I can evaluate the consequences.

Maybe I shouldn't say that. That looks like I'm too lenient of a leader. But he likes Kou. Wait, does Kou like him? Kou doesn't really get to have an opinion when he's this intoxicated. I look to see wide and surprised brown eyes and the boy merely blushes slightly and nods. He doesn't look so bad. Actually, he may be a good fit for my brother. But his bandage sticks out on his face and I look at Kou. If he falls in love, will I be willing to give him to another gang?

"Susan-sama," a familiar voice calls and I lift Kou to a standing position. Fu comes in and looks me over with worried eyes. I give Kou to the blonde, who I have yet to name, and pat Fu on the back. "Are you okay?"

"Only drunk," I reply and he frowns deeply. The small bathroom is soon too crowded for my liking and I stumble out, only for Ritsu to steady me like before. "I'm going to go home and I'm taking Kou with me."

"Do you want me to get a car ready? I can take you home right now," my father replies with a strong tone and I look at him with a funny grin.

"Like hell you will. You brought the hookers here and now you get to babysit them. That and you have to make sure the others don't cause too much trouble. I can go home by myself, walk and you are going to stay here," I instruct and Fu immediately objects, his black suit and tone intimidating Ritsu and his friend.

"You will not walk home. Alone! What are you thinking?" He hisses and Ritsu places an arm around my waist. I look at the redhead and he has a deadly look that would chill a blizzard.

"Don't talk to her like that," the boy whispers with a venomous tone. I shiver with delight and feel proud that he's defending me. Maybe he actually does love me.

Fu looks at the boy holding me with seething rage. There is a battle of stares and I can discern Fu's vein popping out of his neck with anger. Ritsu's hand clutches me tighter and tighter with each passing second and I sink further and further into the warmth. I feel butterflies in my stomach but can see that Fu is losing the battle. Ritsu is scary when he wants to be. I finally decide to speak up and kill the mood.

"Stop it," I hiss and both men stiffen. They look at me and I untangle myself from my partner. Looking to my father, he looks at Ritsu with a triumphant look. I shake my head and then hold out a hand to Ritsu. The redhead takes it and shoots Fu a haughty look. "I'm going home. Fu, you have to watch the hookers. I can't have them getting hurt and I don't trust myself to protect anyone but myself right now."

"Susan, I don't think you should be alone," Fu reasons and to my surprise he looks at Ritsu and the blonde. "Will you guys keep her safe?"

"Yes," the blonde pledges as he transfers a limp Kou onto his back. I can only pray that the blunette won't throw up in his hair.

"With my life," Ritsu pledges and I look at his face. It's deadly serious and there is no ounce of fear in his eyes. His jaw is set into a harsh line and he looks at Fu with courage. The large man looks back down at him for a moment, assessing his validity. Then he looks back at me with an almost pleading look. I let go of my anchor and fling myself into my large father figure.

"I promise I'll be fine. I just need you here to watch the others. They can't handle themselves alone and I can't be the one to protect them," I sigh into his stomach. The man encompasses me in his large arms and I feel immediately safer.

"I just don't want to let you go and something happen," he whispers to me and I can hear the fear in his tone. I squeeze him back and am about to tell him that I'll stay and never let him go, but a loving voice speaks up.

"I won't let anything happen to her. I promise you."

Fu holds me tighter and I know he's giving Ritsu a look that says 'if you fuck up, you're dead'. I start to laugh when the atmosphere turns into one of a more trusting nature. Fu doesn't want to trust anyone with me, but he can't always be there for me. Just like how I can't always be there for him. It's our way of life; risks must be taken and sometimes security is a distant dream. But I feel safe with both of them, so it's just their own feelings that are keeping me from choosing.

"Alright. But if anything happens, know that there is nowhere that you can hide from my wrath," Fu says in his scariest voice possible. Even I'm scared, which means that Ritsu must be terrified. I let go of my large gang member and he looks at me with a somewhat proud smile.

"What you smiling for?" I tease and the man grunts.

He then reaches into his jacket and pulls out Sally. I take her and find that he also takes out a thigh holster. I take them both and go to sit on the couch I was at earlier in the night. Putting the leather holster on my right leg above my leather pants, I can feel someone watching me. Looking up, I find Ritsu staring and when we make eye contact, he blushes the shade of his hair. Fu 'tsks' loudly and then comes to me and leans down, secret messages going to be told.

"I was smiling because you are finally letting someone protect you. Though I don't like the boy very much," he whispers.

"I highly doubt you would like any boy very much," I retort and the man looks at me with a smile. He kisses my forehead in a paternal manner and grabs my chin in his rough hand.

"Be careful," he urges and I smile largely.

"You know I always am," I reply.

There is a moment of silence before the man steps back and I get up off the couch. Kou looks like he's beginning to doze off on the blonde's back and I know I should ask for his name. I suddenly have a hand extended to me and I look at light brown eyes. They tell me that nothing will happen to me and I take the hand with the promise. Fu nods once to Ritsu and the boy returns it with a nod of his own. I better not get hurt or else everyone is going to be in trouble.

The boy holding my hand has recovered his jacket—probably when he made the phone call—and replaces the hood over his head. This makes me a little sad but I don't dwell on it too long. Ritsu leads our way and we are soon back in the throng of people. The redhead makes sure that we don't lose the other couple and we stop for a moment in the crowd. I turn and find that we did indeed lose them. I'm too short to see over the people but Ritsu scours the crowd. Meanwhile, I see a familiar group of people who I would rather avoid. But just as I am about to turn away, they spot me.

"Give me a second," I tell Ritsu and he looks at me like I'm crazy. I pat his hand with my free one and let go. Turning to the Host club, I find that they're really enjoying themselves.

"Susan-senpai are you going to dance?" Haruhi asks me first, a line of sweat coating her forehead. She smiles happily and I'm glad that Fu brought them, even if it was only for the girl's sake.

"No, I have to take Kou home. He drank too much," I say in a giddy voice and try to hide the fact that I am not swaying with the music.

"We can take you home," Kyoya says over the crowd and he looks at me like there's no doubt about it.

"Naw I'm good. You guys can stay here. Fu will protect you if anything goes wrong. I'll see you on Monday," I say heavily with no room for discussion.

The boy with glasses looks both saddened and peeved by my words. He shakes his head and I raise one eyebrow in response. The others can feel that something is wrong with the situation and promptly make their exit. At least they know when something isn't up for discussion. Kyoya comes closer to me and I try my best to stay rooted in my spot. He tries to grab my hand but I hide them around my back. He looks hurt but fixes his glasses, his twitch when he's scheming.

"Who's taking you home?" he asks and I just fold my arms. When I don't answer him, his face changes into a deep scowl.

"Some guys I know," I reply bluntly but know my anger shows on my face. Why does he want to know? Damn he's suspicious. I have to stay away from him.

"I'm taking you home," he declares and goes to grab my arm. Even in my drunken state, I avoid his hand and hiss at him.

"Don't touch me. You're not coming with me," I say angrily and he gives me a dirty look.

"What's gotten into you? You're drunk and I'm taking you home," he bellows and I bare my teeth as he tries for my hand a second time.

"I don't want you," I scream before I can assess the words. The boy's hand falters and he stares at me in shock.

"What?" he speaks in a yell. He gets so angry that the vein in his neck juts out. I take a step back from him and he finally succeeds in getting my hand. His grip is tight on my wrist and I give him a deadly look.

"Let go of me."

"Never."

"Kyoya don't make me do something I'm going to regret."

"You're mine, and you're coming with me."

"I am no one's property," I yell and try to yank my arm back.

The cold boy looks at me with ice in his heart and I hate him in the moment of it all. I yank one last time and when he doesn't return my limb, I get a knife with my left free hand. It's suddenly open at his neck and I give him a manic smile. His eyes turn warm with fear, the panic thawing his icy exterior. I press in a little, creating a small cut. With the sight of blood, my heart pounds in my ears and I want to see more. I can't though. He can't get too hurt. But maybe I can cut just a little deeper.

"Susan, come on," a warm voice says and I stiffen at being caught. I sigh and put my blade away. Kyoya still has my hand and I turn to leave, only to be stopped.

"Don't go," he pleads and I glance at him.

He looks like his heart is breaking and I feel guilty. But I look at the boy waiting for me and my heart quickens. Ritsu stands with his hand outstretched and with the angle looks like a gang member, but at the same time, he looks like a boy who is warm and kind. He smiles a worried smile at me and I smile back. Kyoya's hand tightens and I turn around to see him broken. He looks at me like I'm his savior but I'm no one's hero. I have a decision to make. Do I let myself be saved or do I save someone else? Do I finally let myself be happy or sacrifice my happiness for another?

"I'm sorry, but I'm going home."

My hand is released and I watch as Kyoya breaks into a million different pieces. Why, I don't think I really understand, but I understand that I want to be saved for a chance. I have no regrets as I grab a hand that has callous on his fingertips from a violin and that is slightly sweaty because of his nerves. My hand fits perfectly as he takes the initiative to intertwine fingers. I don't dare look back as we make our way through the crowd. When we get outside and the air hits me, I realize that I'm absolutely terrible.

The world spins over and over and I lean on Ritsu more than I should this close to the club. I see Kou and the blonde, my brother watching me from his place at the man's back. He seems to have perked up with the air but I'm only getting worse. I walk quickly from the club and know that it appears I'm only a little sauced. But when we turn the corner, I look at Ritsu and put my arms out.

"What?" he asks grumpily, his face confused with my action.

"Nevermind," I mutter, slightly depressed he didn't pick me up like his friend did. "Hey, what's your name?"

"Ritsu."

"I know yours silly," I laugh at Ritsu and he gives me a small smile and exasperated sigh. I look to the blonde and point. "His."

"Tetsuya," Kou chirps and he looks better since he threw up. He places his chin on the other's head and the blonde blushes greatly with his bare name. "It's a nice name, isn't it Susan?"

"I guess," I reply with a giggle and Kou starts fiddling with the blonde's hair.

"I like it," he whispers, but the street is quiet and we all hear. The blonde turns a darker red than Ritsu's hair and I grab the boy's hand once again.

We begin to walk and I wonder if I'll actually remember the way home. It might be a little harder to remember since we didn't drive here. But Kou might remember and Tetsuya might actually know, so I'm not too worried. Since we took the limo from the mall, it took a long time to get to the club, but in reality the house is very close. We're maybe a mile away from home and I don't mind walking the mile. Maybe the exercise will let the alcohol leave my body.

Going down the path, we're silent and I feel safe. Stopping for a moment, I scare our companions as I try to listen to the noise on the street. There feels like someone is following us but maybe I'm just paranoid when I should be too drunk to really know. I turn my head and can discern a shadow that seems to be darker than the rest but it doesn't move as we take a couple of steps forward. I think I'm just going crazy.

"Susan," Ritsu interrupts my analysis of an empty alley. When I turn to him he's looking at the sky in wonder. "The moon is beautiful tonight."

I glance up and find that it is indeed beautiful. It appears to be larger and maybe even a hint of blue. The pits in it appear to be darker than normal and I wonder if it was this pretty in New York. I bite my lip as I feel sad and turn back to Ritsu. He's staring up in childlike wonder and his eyes are the largest I've ever seen them to be. His lips are in a giant grin and his eyes flick back and forth as they survey the stars in the sky. He's so handsome. I don't think I should think that, but I do.

"Yah, it is," I reply shakily as I turn away. Tetsuya catches my look and gives me a kind smile. I blush and pull Ritsu along. "We can't stay in one place for too long. There are shadows."

"Shadows?" he asks as I concentrate on each step I'm taking.

"Just come on."

We keep moving and Kou seems caught between looking at me with childish grins and playing with the blonde's hair, causing both of us to blush at different times. When we get closer to home, I can feel the shadows disperse and I stop and turn around to peer down the street. Behind a building, I can see a body and tilt my head at it. It follows my action and Ritsu seems to be getting impatient with my staring down the street.

"Susan, come on," he complains and I know that he's caught on someone was following us. I let go of his hand and he grabs my arm. "Don't do it."

"If they wanted to kill us, they would have already. There were plenty of chances. You stay here and I'll be back," I order and even though I feel the world spin in an awkward motion.

"Susan, I promised to keep you safe. I can't do that if you're going to throw yourself into a den of vipers," he urges and I can hear the fear in his voice. I sigh and walk away, only for him to keep following me. I take off Sally from my holster and hand him the gun.

"No talking and only shoot when I say to," I say a little harshly and glance at the other two with us. Kou opens his mouth to complain but a strong look at him and Tetsuya, halts any remarks.

I look back at Ritsu and pull him along. The boy stares at the gun as we keep walking and the figure doesn't move from its place. As we approach it slowly, I know that my gangster mode took over. Even in my state of being, I am still trained well. I can mask what my body is really doing. When we are fifteen feet from the hooded person, I step in front of Ritsu and wait. The boy behind me is scared and I know that he has never had to deal with these types of things. In all actuality, I should have left him. The boy comes to my side and I can see him holding the gun awkwardly in his hand, but he gives the figure a strong look.

"The moon is beautiful tonight," the voice remarks with an accent and I stiffen, readying myself for anything at all.

"That's what I was told," I reply and the person removes the hood. I see that the person is a small Italian woman. She looks at me and then smiles a large smile. Her hair is too dark to know the color and her eyes are too happy to tell their shade.

_"I was told Sinatra was your father's favorite singer,"_ she remarks in English and I can feel Ritsu glare harder. He doesn't like not knowing what we're saying.

_"Well, you could fly me to the moon," _I say, recognizing the familiar code words, _"but when the moon hits, you're in trouble." _

_"Well, that's amore,"_ she laughs and I feel my body calm.

I let out a breath and then go to the woman, giving her my hand. Ritsu is by my side and has taken the safety off the gun. The woman takes my hand, giving Ritsu an amused smirk. She kisses it gently and gives it to Ritsu. He doesn't seem to know what is going on and he takes it while giving me the gun. I put the safety on and replace it in my holster. Ritsu grabs my waist, wanting to show that he'll protect me, while woman gives him a raised brow.

"_Very protective of you isn't he?_" She remarks and I give out a deep laugh.

"_Extremely_," I retort and then sober up after a moments of girlish giggling. I look at her and she gives me a sad smile. "_What happened?"_

_"You're in trouble," _she replies and I roll my eyes and lean into Ritsu.

"_What's new?" _

_"The bounty on your head is relatively new,"_ she says flatly and I frown. She can see that I'm not going to answer her and she moves on. "_Someone has put a head on every Lord and Lady in this region. Even the smaller gang leaders have some kind of price." _

"_Who picked them up?"_ I ask with a frown. If they put a price on every leader's head, I'm going to have to keep the twins and Fu close to me. Kasanoda probably doesn't know either; maybe it was a hunter that got Sendo.

"_I've been trying to figure out, but it seems to be an international assassin," _she says gravely and I nod once.

"_If anything changes, you know how to contact me. Until then, lay low,"_ I instruct and she nods once.

"_Be careful. Even those close to you can turn. Just like back home." _

_"They're different here,"_ I argue and she raises an eyebrow. I smirk at her and she flinches with my angry smile. "_They know I'll kill them." _

_"I'll take my leave. Don't drink too much wine." _

_"Only if the world seems to not shine,"_ I reply. The code words are all from my father and have been ingrained into my head since I was eleven.

The woman turns back into the alley and runs off. Ritsu looks down at me and I look up at him and shrug. He wants to know what just happened and I know that I can't tell him too much. He'll only worry until his hair turns white and it'll put him in too much danger for my liking. I turn and we make our way to the other couple to find Kou pacing drunkenly. When the boy sees me, he stumbles this way and looks at me up and down.

"Your stomach," he mutters as he tries to check my bandages. I shake my head at him and he sighs in relief. "Thank god. We have to get home."

I nod and Tetsuya comes to carry Kou back home. The boy is once again on the blonde's back and I lead the way down the street. But soon enough, after my gangster mode has gone down, I'm too tired to stay standing. We stop a block away from home and I breathe heavily as the world spins worse than ever. I look at the floor to make it stop but it doesn't. In a heartbeat I'm raised from the ground and I think I'm flying. It isn't until I'm on a strong back that I realize Ritsu merely picked me up.

"So much spinning," I tell him and he only grunts. He carries me the rest of the way home and when we get to the steps, he hesitates. "It's okay. You're with me so they won't bother you."

"I know, it's just," he mutters but doesn't finish as he takes the first steps.

The steps start to spin harder and I nearly choke Ritsu with how much I want the world to stop. The boy merely takes us up the stairs and doesn't breathe out a complaint. When we get to the top he stops and I point towards the house. The grounds are quiet and the moon is starting to descend and I know that it's really late. I feel bad for Ritsu. I kept him up all night.

"It should be open," I tell him as he reaches the door. He opens it and we enter, him stopping to wipe his feet on the mat Fu set up. "Down the hall."

Ritsu goes down the hall and when we get to my bedroom, I try to slide off his back in indication. He understands and puts me down. I yawn largely and then look at Kou who is also sliding off of Tetsuya's back. Kou looks at me and then goes into his room. Should I go help him get dressed for bed? He most certainly can't take off those pants by himself.

"I can't take off my pants," Kou yells out a moment later and I sigh. I move a step towards his door but Tetsuya puts his hand out.

"I can go help him. You can go to bed," he offers and I look at him in concentration.

"You dare do anything that would be out of place, I will cut off anything that hangs," I say sweetly and the boy's frightened expression wheels around in a circle. He nods and I walk away to go into my own room. But when I get in it, I merely fall onto my shag rug. "Who put that there?"

"What you're foot?" Ritsu laughs out as he goes to pick me up. I put my arms out and he gathers me in his arms. Carrying me to the bed, he sits me down and I don't move. "I'll leave you to get dressed."

"I can't move," I tell him with a snort and he frowns.

"You were just moving," he retorts.

"No, the world is moving. I was staying still," I argue and he sighs. His face turns into a blushing mess and I lift a foot and fall back onto the bed. "Just take off my boots. I think I can do the rest."

For a moment, there is complete silence and I have the scared feeling that he passed out. But then there's hands unlacing my boots and I feel them come off with a tug. My leg feels immediately four pounds lighter and I lift my other leg. The second boot comes off and I can feel him take my knives out. He must place them on the nightstand and then sits next to me on the bed. I lay looking at the ceiling and wonder what I would do next.

"Where are you pajamas?" He whispers and I point to my dresser. "You want to tell me what drawer?"

I laugh and shake my head rapidly while he blushes more and more. I turn my head and watch him as he slowly opens the second drawer. That one has literally all of my holsters and I see him frown. He avoids the first-a good decision if he wants to avoid my underwear-and finds my large t-shirts in the third. He takes out a large blue one and then opens another drawer to find terry cloth shorts.

"Those aren't my pajamas," I say with a pout and he just gives me a dirty look.

"I'm not going to search in your drawers. You're wearing whatever I give you."

"So bossy. I think I like this Ritsu," I tease and he guffaws as he drops clothes into my face. I giggle and then sit up shakily. I stand to take my pants off and the boy turns around.

Smiling at his back, I'm happy he isn't a bad guy. If it would have been anyone else, I think the memories might come up. There were hands and burns. There was a pain that I couldn't forget and a fullness that I always felt. Shaking my head, I take off my pants and nearly fall. Leaning on my bed, I put my shorts on and then take off my shirt. Shit, I still have bandages on me. I can't sleep with those. Putting on the shirt, I put the dirty stuff into the hamper at the end of my bed.

"You done?" Ritsu's voice comes and I can tell that he forced it to appear normal when really it was anything but. It was husky and nervous and I know that he swallowed before he opened his mouth.

"I need to take off the bandages. There's some scissors in the nightstand," I reply and sit with a plop on my bed. There is the sound of rummaging through the drawer when a loud thump comes from the other side of the wall. It is followed by Kou's laughter with a softer voice telling him to stop running.

"I'm gonna have to take them off, aren't I?"

"Unless you want me to cut off something, I would suggest you do it."

I know Ritsu swallows once again and comes to sit on the bed with me. I turn my back to him and pull the shirt up in the back so he can cut from the top. His hand goes to my back and I can feel it shake with nervousness. His hand shakes as he holds the scissors at the start of the bandages at my neck. I don't move and don't say a word, knowing that he's embarrassed enough as it is. Slowly but surely he starts to cut the white corset. When he's halfway done, he stops. After waiting a couple of moments, I look back at him. His eyes have tears and I don't know what happened to him. Turning around, I think that maybe I teased him too much.

"Susan," he murmurs and I grab his face in my hands.

"What's wrong? I'm sorry that I asked you to cut the bandages. I can do the rest. Please don't cry," I rant quickly and he cries harder.

He goes to cut the rest of the bandages off and his actions are rough as tears fall. When the bandages come off, he throws them on the floor and looks at my back. Through my haze, I finally realize what he's seeing. I pull the shirt over the back and turn from him. He thinks it's disgusting. I look at him in fear and he just stares into my eyes with a river flowing.

"What happened? Are you okay?" comes his small voice and I look down in shame.

"It was a long time ago. I'm sorry that you had to see them. I forgot," I reply in shame.

My scars are on my back. The same place Ritsu had cut bandages off of. I forgot they were there. I shouldn't have forgot. What was I thinking? He thinks I'm disgusting. He won't be able to love me like this. I'm tainted. He deserves someone better. I should tell him to go. He doesn't deserve to see me like this. Just tell him to go. But I don't want to be alone.

"Who did this to you?" he roars and I flinch with the anger. I look at his face as the tears dry up with burning rage.

"It was a long time ago. I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" he screams and I hear the others on the other side of the wall put their ears to the thin barrier. "I'm going to kill them. No one will ever do this to you again."

"I already did," I whisper and he starts to deflate. I grab his cheek in my right hand and stroke away the tears. "I already killed them and no one will hurt me like that again. I know nothing like that will ever happen again."

"I'm sorry Susan," Ritsu whispers and he looks so sad. I kneel in front of him and kiss his forehead gently.

"I know you are, but you weren't here yet," I soothe and he wraps his arms around my waist. "You can make sure nothing happens to me and I'll make sure nothing ever happens to you. Deal?"

"Deal," he mutters and buries his face into my neck.

I pat his back and notice that the room still spins but we stand still against the odds. He should be going home. I should let him go, but I can't seem to move my arms. Maybe he can stay here. Or maybe I'm just too needy and he'll hate me for it. But there is the fact that Ritsu doesn't move his arms either and we're stuck in limbo not wanting this to end.

Maybe there was no beginning at all. This could have all been a dream that I thought up as I passed out at the club. Maybe he wasn't even at the club at all. Worse yet, what happens if it was real and I don't remember everything. What if I remember only the bad parts? I won't remember that Ritsu said he loves me or that I told him I love him. I've never told anyone I loved them the way I love Ritsu. Will I even love Ritsu in the morning?

"I don't know if I want you to leave or not," I tell Ritsu before I can start crying.

"I don't think I can stay here," he informs me and my heart sinks.

Maybe he doesn't really love me. I let him go and then fall back into my bed. He looks at me with a confused face and I scramble to get under the blankets. When I'm hidden under the covers, I look at Ritsu with only my eyes showing. His face looks like he's having an inner war and I watch as he fingers my comforter. When he looks at me his eyes plead me to give him an opening.

"You can stay for a while," I tell him and he bites his lip. I bite mine and feel my snakebite with the action. I wonder how it would feel to kiss him with them.

"For a while," he concedes and takes off his jacket and shoes. I pull up the covers for him to get under but he shakes his head. "I'll sleep on top of them."

"You'll get cold," I chide and he shakes his head.

"I don't think Fu would like it very much. Besides, I don't trust myself when you're so willing," he confesses and I smile gently at him.

I cover myself back up and he climbs on top of them next to me. I hand him an extra pillow and he takes it, our heads next to each other. I turn to face him and he bites his lip as he debates how to sleep. In the end he turns towards me and I can see that his eyes are tired. I yawn in his face and he cringes. I laugh at his expression and he frowns at me, but somehow it's endearing.

"I hope this wasn't a dream," I tell him with a giggle and he gives me a raised eyebrow.

"It's not."

"Well, you can never tell. Sometimes my dreams and reality are the same and sometimes they're different. I just hope that you're real," I muse and he gives me a soft smile. His hand comes and tucks a hair behind my ear.

"Me too. Now go to sleep. You have to wake up early so we can go pick up Kan," he says and the situation feels so domestic that my heart swells with love. I don't want him to leave. I want to be with him like this forever. But I don't know if he's only a dream anymore. It's too good to be true.

"I love you," I spill out and we exchange small and embarrassed smiles.

"I love you too. Now close your eyes," he says and I take one look at his face, memorizing this moment.

He's tired but his smile is warm and full of life. His brown eyes look at me like I'm the best thing in the world while his hair is the most beautiful shade of red I have ever seen. I hope this is reality. I breathe as I feel my heart pound even tighter, then I close my eyes, hoping that I will still love him in the morning. Then I dream, of what I don't even remember.

* * *

**I don't even know what I'm doing anymore with this. I have such a sad endpoint in mind and I can't help but rip my own heart out. Why am I doing this to myself? Sorry for the extra long wait. School and work is crazy, but I'll be updating more often once I get ahead with my work. Though I will never get ahead with Latin. Note to all my readers, never become a Latin major. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys. **


	21. Accidentally in Love

**Chapter Twenty-one: Accidentally in Love**

* * *

"**This thing about you that you think is your flaw - it's the reason I'm falling in love with you." **

― **Colleen Hoover, **_**Slammed**_

"**Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love." **

― **Andrew Davidson, **_**The Gargoyle**_

"**You will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast." **

― **Catherynne M. Valente, **_**Deathless**_

* * *

There is beeping. I can hear it. There is pounding. I can feel it. Maybe if I lay here, it will go away. Nope, it's still there. I am going to pop a cap in its ass.

"Ahhhhh," I scream at the beeping machine.

My head is pounding and my stomach feels like it went through a washer and was then proceeded to be ironed while still wet. I'm hungover. Opening my eyes a crack, the sunlight filters through and I hiss. The light is not good. I am never drinking ever again. Well, maybe not that much. How much did I have last night? Two, three? Wait, what actually happened last night?

The beeping becomes louder and I hear a knock on the wall that leads to Kou's room. He doesn't like the noise. Great, I have to open my eyes to find it. Subjecting myself to the harsh rays floating through my bedroom window-at least I hope the blankets and bed I'm sleeping in is mine-I see my alarm clock. The blinking light says that it's ten thirty. I reach over and find that I'm not wearing a long sleeve pajama shirt. Looking at my bare arm, I click the thing off and then look at the rest of the table with squinted eyes.

There's a glass of water and then a bottle of pills and what seems to be alka seltzer. Did Fu put that there? I try to swing my feet around and find that my body aches slightly, dancing must have taken a toll on my legs. Nevertheless, my body crawls out of bed and I stand to find I'm wearing shorts. Feeling my body, I find that I don't have a bra on. Who dressed me? Normally if it was the boys, they would leave my bra on. Did I wear a bra? God, it'll come back to me. I stretch in my large blue shirt and black shorts as I yawn largely. What happened yesterday?

I get my first clue when I step towards the desk. My foot falls on bandages that still have their corset shape and I pick it up. I wore bandages and a backless shirt; I wouldn't have been able to fit a bra under that stuff. Promptly tossing the stuff out, I step towards the table. Grabbing the Tylenol, I pop two into my mouth as the blood in my head pounds the skull. I take a sip of water and then put the small tablet sitting next to it in the cup. Waiting for it to dissolve, I find a white paper that has been situated under the light. The handwriting is messy and I can barely make out the first words. But after taking a few blinks, I get it.

**Hey, ****so you passed out****, well you fell asleep after I got you home. Sorry that those aren't your pajamas. **

**I hope you feel better in the morning. I left you some pills and the stuff for your stomach ****seltzer water?**

**We have to pick Kan up at noon. I left my number in your phone when I had to call ****your member,**** Fu. **

**Anyway, call me if you can't make it or text me when you wake up so I know you didn't die from alcohol poisoning. **

**-Ritsu **

For a moment I just stare. I don't think; I don't reason; I'm not even sure I comprehend. I just stare at the messy note and wait for the name of the writer to change. When it doesn't and I think my head will explode, I drink my bubbly glass in my hand. Well maybe it's more of a chug than civilized drinking but the glass was emptied nonetheless. My brain finally starts its slow restart when I place the glass on the table.

I passed out? Ritsu was at the club? He was the one who dressed me? He used my phone? What happens if I accidentally started a relationship? What the hell did I do?

Placing the note on my pillow, I notice a leather hoodie at the foot of the bed and on top of the comforter. I quickly pick the paper back up and see Ritsu's name hasn't changed. Looking back to the jacket, I hyperventilate. He must have stayed the night if he undressed. I have to remember what happened. Okay, maybe if we recount all of the actions that we had taken yesterday. We went to the mall. My hair got dyed and we got dressed. We took a limo and I broke a guy's nose and fingers. The host club showed up and I was pissed.

Then I had some more drinks and I, well, I think I went outside. Ritsu was there and I drank some more. He had a friend with him. The friend was, blonde? I remember not liking the guy but I figured that he was with Ritsu so he was fine. I think I danced, with, well, was it Ritsu? Oh my god. I think I danced with him. And I was fucking smashed. Oh my god what the hell did I say and do after that?

"Kou," I yell and the volume of my own voice makes my head hurt.

I shake my head and drop the note on the bed. I stumble along my room, trying to get some blood to my sore legs. When I open my door and more light hits my eyes, I nearly pass out. I open my eyes again after I lean against the hall wall. The light still hurts but I need answers. Bumbling to Kou's room, I knock on the door. When my pounding leads to nothing, I open the portal and am met with a body blocking the door's path.

"Huh," comes the grunt of a long haired blonde. I stand and wait for the boy to turn and when his sleeping face reveals a daimon that is most certainly not my own, I scream. That is a serpent on his cheek! What the hell is going on?

"Susan-sama?" Kou squeals as he falls out of his bed. He's wearing an outfit identical to mine and then looks at the boy on the floor. His eyes turn wide as saucers and he screams next. We must look ridiculous: hungover kids with bed hair, screaming at the top of our lungs.

The boy on the floor finally looks like he's gonna wake up and I can hear a pair of feet running to us. I turn to see a very sleepy black yukata clad Fu with a large shotgun in his hands. When he gets to me I can see him assess the situation and then look at where I turn. The young man has finally became aware of his situation, sitting with his hands up in surrender and Fu gives a large sigh. I turn quickly to my man to see him holding back a grin. It doesn't work in the least and he gives out a deep laugh.

"What?" I ask sheepishly when Fu puts a hand to my shoulder. He gives me a grin and shakes his head.

"Go to the kitchen. I made pancakes," he announces and the blonde is up and looking at me with a confused look. His long ponytail is all over the place and he wears an identical outfit to me but red and black, probably having stolen some of Kou's clothes.

My heart pounds erratically and I scurry off, not really understanding what's going on. Footsteps follow me and I turn to see everyone I was just with, heading to the kitchen. I wring my hands and attempt to straighten my hair when I realize I need my phone. Turning around quickly, I scare my companions when I run back to my room. The light seems to be getting better and I grab my phone from the nightstand, taking a quick glance at the note on the bed. Ritsu took me home?

My face gets hot with embarrassment and I slap my cheeks to get the blood to rush somewhere else. It doesn't help and I feel extremely embarrassed with my actions. I am never getting drunk ever again. A yell comes to me and I know Kou wants me to hurry up. I run out my room, phone in hand, leaving the note behind. Even though it's embarrassing that Ritsu was here, it was very kind of him to take me home. He even left me a note and everything. He's really just like a prince, being so chivalrous; he didn't even let me kiss him last night. I should have done it and said it was an accident though.

"What?" I yell as I stop in the living room.

I tried to kiss Ritsu?! Looking through my mind, I get a vague memory of being all over him. There is also an accompanying memory of him saying he didn't want our first kiss to be when I was drunk. Oh my god. He wanted to kiss me back! My face gets five times more red as I enter the dining room. Both sets of siblings haven't gotten up yet and it's only the people I've seen this morning. The blonde whose name I don't remember learning yawns and examines me. I sit with a plop and put a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Good morning," I murmur with embarrassment and Kou who sits next to me peers into my face.

"Are you sick?" he asks, not really caring that we have an outsider with us. Turning to the boy, his eyes are slightly bloodshot and he appears to squint with the light, but he doesn't seem to have a headache like me. His black eyes are worried and I bite my lip as I shake my head.

"You did drink a lot last night," Fu comments as a plate of pancakes is put in front of my face.

I raise my head to look across the table at him and the blonde. They both appear to be trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't say a thing as I pour syrup all over the golden bread but when their looks get to be too much, I figure I'm not going to get out of talking. With a sigh, I finally lay my phone down, that I've clutched tightly in my free hand, onto the table. Looking to the blonde, I figure I might as well start to piece together the missing hours with him.

"I don't remember your name," I admit as the man is served breakfast. He looks across the table with a surprised look and then looks at Kou.

"Do you know my name?" he asks the blunette. When Kou shakes his head slightly, I see the light go out of blonde's eyes. He turns back to me with a sad smile. "My name is Tetsuya."

"Alright. Well, welcome to Dojin-kai," I start off and the boy tilts his head in what I identify as wonder. "Please don't kill anyone."

"I won't. Last night you said I could stay with you guys as long as I didn't harm anyone," he replies and I nod, thankful for some answers to why he was here. I cut a piece of pancake and eat while I try to make sense of what is going on.

I think he was with Kou last night. He seemed sad when Kou didn't remember his name. Does he like Kou? Turning to the boy next to me—who is shoving pancakes into his mouth—I find him eyeing Tetsuya with a mischievous smile. Kou seems to be okay with him. Eating some more, I look at Fu who has been watching everything play out. He raises an eyebrow and then rubs his bald head as he drinks his coffee.

"So," I begin as I cut the rest of the pancakes with more force than necessary. "How much did I drink last night?"

Tetsuya snorts and Fu joins him with a laugh of amusement. I pout at both men and they merely look at me like I'm a child. I mean, I am still underage but they can't look at me like that. I pout as I stuff some pancake into my face. Both people across from me give large grins and I crinkle my face in disgust. Just when I think they're going to start belting out in another round of laughter, the phone to the left of my plate starts to ring and vibrate. I freeze, the large bite of food stopping its path down my throat. I swallow harder and look at the caller ID: Ritsu. Then I turn red and a shaking hand picks up the electronic device. The others watch me carefully as I answer.

"Hello?" I breathe out and the voice on the other side sighs in relief.

"Good," the husky voice mutters and I shiver. My neck and ears turn hot and the voice continues. "Hey, how you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Uhhh, thanks for bringing me home last night," I tell the redhead on the other line. "I owe you one."

"Well," the voice says hurriedly. A smile comes to my face as I imagine Ritsu turning into a nervous mess. "I just didn't want you to go home alone or with strangers and I was already with you. I didn't mind."

"Still, I really appreciate it. Thank you," I say honestly and the looks from each person at the table makes me hyper aware of my large grin. The other end of the line is silent and my gut clenches with uncertainty. Did he think that was weird? Did I say something wrong?

"Susan, I," Ritsu sounds somehow sounds so, well, so appealing. The hesitation makes me anticipates his words but at the same time doubt if this is what he wanted to say the first time. "I'm glad you feel better. I'll see you in a bit. Okay?"

"Alright," I reply and my voice comes out different than I've ever heard it before. It sounds almost longingly content. Something like how I know I'm going to see him but I still want him here right now with me. I want him here holding my hand and eating pancakes; god, that's disgustingly domestic but I want it.

"Okay, see you later," comes his answer and we both don't seem like we want to hang up. But a hand going for more pancakes startles the moment of pure bliss. My fork drops abruptly and I sit taller.

"See you."

I hang up quickly as Kou puts the pancake on his plate and drenches it with sugary liquid. Glaring at my young member, he sits happily and watches the blonde across the table in interest. I think he was lying when he said he didn't know his name. When I turn back to the two across the table, they are looking at me with the largest grins I have ever seen. The blonde changes his glance to Kou and he blushes in the next moment. Quickly looking at Kou I find him licking his fingers in a very seductive manner, either doing it on purpose or unconsciously—though it looks deliberate. I kick him under the table and he gives me a light glare.

"So, who was that?" Fu interrupts our childish squabble.

I look back at my surrogate father and he's looking at me with the concerned father look. I suddenly want to hide our conversation like a teenager hiding their secret relationship. I wonder if this is how every teen romance heroine felt with her father. Is this how Juliet felt with Romeo? Though, I'm no Juliet and Ritsu is definitely not a Romeo.

"Ritsu," I garble and the man gives me a look.

"Who?" he asks with a tight lipped glare.

"Ritsu," I hiss slightly and the man frowns deeply; he disapproves of the boy, but I don't really care. There is nothing wrong with the boy that would make him disapprove.

"What did he want?" he prods, while I look down at my pancakes, pushing the pieces back and forth with not much gusto. "Susan."

"He wanted to see if I was okay. He just wanted to know if I was feeling well enough to go pick up Kan," I tell the man and then shove pieces of my breakfast into my mouth. When I look up, Fu just grunts in return and sips the coffee from his black mug. I should buy him world's greatest stepfather mug for a birthday gift. As my glance shifts to our guest I find him watching in curiosity and humor. I tilt my head when he seems like he has something to say.

"This is most definitely not how I pictured a Sunday morning breakfast at your gang," the man teases.

It's amazing how even though he is literally in an enemy's house, eating breakfast, while a shotgun sits on the chair next to one of our largest and scariest members, he can even go as far as teasing the gang lord. What did I tell him last night? I focus on the boy and remember that someone was throwing up and we were in a bathroom. It was Kou who was puking because Tetsuya looked worried. I asked him if he and Ritsu were clansmen; he said no and I told him he could hang with us as long as he didn't do anything stupid. Thank god, Ritsu isn't in Kasanoda.

"What did you expect?" I tease back, my face lighting up and my body feeling better with the drugs in my bloodstream. It also could be the giddiness from the call but we're going to ignore that option. "Did you think we skipped breakfast? Or us to eat while making war plans? Or that we would be eating the flesh of our enemies?"

"I don't know what I expected but I just know it wasn't this," he replies with a chuckle and I feel Kou stiffen next to me. The blonde looks at him and gives a movie star smile that makes me even want to blush.

As I look to my right, I see Kou blushing lightly while looking down. I am going to have to talk to him tonight or at least tomorrow night. He's acting like a schoolgirl. Wait how old is Tetsuya? Kou is only fifteen turning sixteen next month. Tetsuya must be older than me. I don't think I can let them be together until Kou is eighteen. I mean, they can date but they aren't going to do anything drastic. That's an accident waiting to happen. God, I forget that he is so young. Ritsu is also a year younger than me. Why are people so young?

"I need to get ready," I announce as I stuff the last of my breakfast into my mouth.

I don't think I should be this excited to see a boy that I'm pretty sure I saw yesterday, but I am excited. My heart pounds and I get up from the table. My guest and my father figure stare at me in wonder and I hurry. Kou next to me hurries also and I could only guess it's to escape the blonde watching him with a small smile. As we leave, the dining room is filled with light laughter and a heavy pressure. Fu is probably getting impatient with our unwelcome guest.

"Susan-sama, what do you want to wear?" Kou says happily, regaining his normal cheery nature.

"Don't you have a hangover?" I ask the boy and he shakes his head lightly. Since he threw up, I think all the alcohol left his system. I sigh and then we enter my room. Quickly going to my bed, I hide Ritsu's note in my nightstand. The last thing that I would want would be for Kou to throw it away. "What should I wear?"

"Well," he holds off for longer than necessary. I look at the boy and he smiles at me with a mischievous smile. "That depends."

"On what would that depend?" I ask cheekily as I go to mess up his hair. He avoids my hand and runs to my closet, poking his head into the wardrobe.

"Depends on if you remember Ritsu and you sleeping in the same bed or you guys saying a dirty four letter word to each other," Kou muses with a scheming face.

My heart stops and my body turns cold. Fear of the unknown paralyses me and the air in my lungs turn to ice. Why isn't he telling me? There's something wrong with Kou. Normally he wouldn't tease me about something this important. My body stands still and the blue haired boy is oblivious to my mental stare.

He disappears into my closet and I finally get the strength to follow him into the small room. My heart starts to beat hard with me thinking about what I could have done last night. We were in the same bed and I suppose we only slept. We should have only slept. My memory turns to that of hands and I push them down. Nothing happened like that, I would know. I wouldn't do that again. Then why can't I remember? I need Kou to tell me.

"What happened?" I hiss slightly, embarrassed that I don't even remember my own actions.

"Oh, a lot happened," he replies as he fingers a white dress. He shakes his head and then starts to go through all the hanging dresses. Kou remembers last night? Then he would have remembered what happened with him and Tetsuya.

"You lied to Tetsuya," I remark as the boy merely avoids eye contact. He shakes his head slightly and I know he doesn't want me to forget his remark about a dirty four letter word and how I slept next to a male. "What did I say?"

"You said a lot of things," he replies again, this time stopping for a peach colored dress. Screams of pain invade my mind. Did I say stop? All I can hear right now is that four letter word.

I watch as Kou tilts his head back and forth with deliberation and I figure he's not going to tell me unless I ask more specifically. But I want answers now. My throat starts to clench as my emotions start to overflow. I need to know now. Grabbing his ear in my hand, I pull it hard to me and the boy starts to whine pathetically. But the screams in my mind overshadow those in real life.

"Kou, what did I do?" I yell with a red face and beating heart. But my voice breaks with the sudden rush of words and I realize I'm broken too.

What did I do with Ritsu? Did I do anything weird? Did I do something that I can't mend with a sorry? Is Ritsu going to totally hate me when he sees me? Did I do something I'm not ready for? Does Ritsu think when I meet him, we're, that we, that I will love him? I don't know if I do but I don't know if I don't. I can't lose him yet. But I can't do the things men want me to do with them right now. My back begins to ache and I feel tears start to fall down my face. A small voice asks the forbidden question: did I have sex?

I release Kou's ear and the boy rubs it without looking at me. He turns to me finally and smiles but when he sees I'm scared, he freezes. My lip trembles and I don't know what to think anymore. I can't remember what happened and I just want to know if I did something that I wouldn't have done if I was sober. My back is burning now and I try to hold in my small wails. Kou recovers and comes to me and I throw myself at him. He barely has time to catch me and I shake in his arms, expelling the fear of the unknown.

"I'm sorry Susan-sama. I teased you too much. It was an accident. I won't do it again. I'll tell you anything you want to know. I'm sorry," he coos and then lays a hand onto my hair. He strokes the tangled mess and I put my arms around him, bringing him closer to me.

"I don't remember what happened. I don't remember and that scares me. What if Ritsu and I did something and now I realize it was a mistake? I can't remember if I made a mistake and that scares me," I whisper as tears fall silently. My back is on fire and I want everything to stop.

"He didn't let anything happen. He protected you even from himself. Nothing happened except for words. Ritsu didn't do anything to you, I would have stopped him if he tried," Kou assures and I nod my head against his own.

I allow myself to be comforted until my fear and hysteria dissolve into nothing. The only emotion which remains is my own embarrassment, and the shame of telling the redhead embarrassing things; things which I probably won't tell him while I'm sober for a very long time. But somehow, I don't regret saying that other dirty four letter word. I finally come down from my emotional roller coaster and let go of Kou. He looks at me with wide and terrified eyes, but I give him a reassuring smile and put my forehead to his. I didn't do the things that make my nightmares come up. I wasn't touched like that.

"Thank you. I would never let anything happen to you either. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise," I tell him, never wanting him to feel like how I feel; I have to protect him so he doesn't feel this awful. The boy closes his eyes and grabs my head in his hands. When he opens his eyes he has tears in the black orbs and I wonder if I really kept my promise.

"I know you will. I'm just scared too," he confesses and I gather him into my arms.

"What are you scared of?" I ask quietly and the boy hides his face in my hair. I rub his back and patiently wait for him to be ready.

"I'm scared that no one would want me because I'm broken. I'm nothing but a fucking robot," he whispers into the darkness surrounding us and I attempt not to freeze my circular rub.

"You're not broken; you're not a robot; you're Kou. Just because you don't want something doesn't make you broken. Humans have sex, yes they do. But so do animals and everything else in the world. But that doesn't make what they want better or normal than what you want. No one is normal, and what you want to do with another person will never define you. That doesn't mean that you're an accident or broken. Things aren't that simple."

"But everyone other human does it," he argues and I squeeze him as he shakes.

"Yah but that doesn't make you inhuman if you don't want sex. You're human because you pick my outfits and watch anime and go grocery shopping. You're human because you are you. And if that boy out there doesn't see any of that, then he's the one that is inhuman. Because being human means being kind to the people who mean something to you. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I ask, wondering if my ramble is making any sense at all.

"I do, I just get scared that I'll end up alone," he murmurs and it absolutely breaks my heart. I hold his head and nuzzle my forehead into his hair.

"If you think you're alone, remember that you're not. I'm right here and I will never leave you. I promise that if you stay with me, you will never be alone. We will always be together," I assure and the words make me feel safe too.

What if no one wants me either? I'm really broken. The scars and my mental state prove that. I don't think Ritsu will stay. No one will stay with me. But at least Kou will have someone, even if he needs to leave me too. I'll be fine if I'm alone, but Kou needs me. I want him to find someone but I will never abandon him. We'll be together forever, even if it's only for the reassurance that we aren't alone.

"Let me get you dressed," Kou says as he pushes me away. I allow him to feel me hold onto him a second more and then release him. He wipes his face and his black eyes seem to not be as scared as before. I put a hand on his head and shake his hair. "Don't mess it up."

"It's not like you actually combed it," I tease and he sticks his tongue out at me. Our tear ridden faces void of the emotions felt just a while ago.

Taking a dress off of the hanger, he gives me a wide and excited smile. I should ask him what else I said, but another part of me doesn't need to know because I know enough. If I learn everything about that night, maybe now will never live up to how I felt then. I don't need to know. I know enough and if Ritsu wants, he can tell me what I need to know. He'll tell me if I really told him I love him.

"I'm going to make Ritsu fall even more in love with you," he exclaims and I blush to my ears. "Not that I think he could love you anymore. He's head over heels for you."

* * *

My board goes over a rock and I put my arms out to balance myself as I fly down the hill. The orphanage is at the bottom of a large hill in my territory laying to the east. I'm slightly late but it took forever to convince Fu to let me go alone; that and Kou had planned a whole makeover. Kou dressed me up and I wish he hadn't curled my hair. The small loose curls hang around my face, my bob raising almost an inch, and made my hair feel softer but with the wind, it was going everywhere.

I was just grateful he didn't dress me up like a Barbie doll. My dress was a dark red with black on the end. The arms were long and the neckline was a low round heart shape. It was pinched in at my waist with a black lace design as a belt. After that it flared out and was decorated with lace, boarding the final seam that laid two inches above my knee. I wanted to wear converse but because I didn't put a gun on my thigh, Kou made me wear the black leather boots with chains and hidden switchblades.

My thigh felt naked without the weight of a weapon but I don't want anything to happen to the children. Last thing I would need would be one of them taking the safety off or playing around with it. Accidents always happen when they are least wanted. But I guess, accidents are a real elusive thing. I mean, what one person sees as an accident might not be an accident to another person. Or perhaps after time, a decision which seemed to be an accident happens to be the best decision in your life. What I'm really saying is: was it an accident that I drank too much and said too many things, or was it an unconscious and lucky decision my heat made?

I don't know now and I might not ever, but as I see a flop of red hair, I just know that I wouldn't mind making accidents if I was with him.

"Susan!" Ritsu shouts as I come into his view, waving a black music case in his hand.

I wave and make a wide turn to go up the driveway. Ritsu watches me and I smile largely as I try to not accidentally fall off my board. It's a miracle when I come to a halt in front of a large house and Ritsu comes to me. His smile is wide and his eyes shine with excitement. I look back at his blinding expression and blush slightly, offering him a small smile of my own. I swear we stood there for a lifetime, our excitement permeating the air, when a cough is heard to our side.

"Hey," Kan interrupts as we both turn to look at him.

He's dressed in beige shorts and a blue shirt with a dragon. He looks a lot different from how he looks at school. For starters, he looks happy and not anxious. The next thing is that he pushed his long bangs to the side of his face. But other than that, he's still small and still has really round large glasses. He just seems happier though. I look at Ritsu and he is looking at the boy, face scrunched up as he thinks. What is thinking about?

"We'll be right there Kan. Go get whoever is in charge so they know who we are," I say softly and the boy nods his head several times. He runs off after that and I can finally assess my companion. Glancing at Ritsu as I sneakily pick up my board, my heart jumps.

He's wearing black jeans and a long sleeve red shirt. The shirt has black designs and what seem to be wings nearing the back. He looks pretty normal, except for the fact that I'm in his company. We have the same colors and even the same kind of black combat boot. My face goes ten times more red as I realize we look like we arranged this. We look kinda like a couple.

"He seems happy," Ritsu says as I pick up my board and stand next to him. The house looks old and is a traditional Japanese style with ivy growing in the front. I can hear children screaming from the back and then laughter. "I thought he would be more sad because of the orphanage but he seems happier here than school."

"Not all orphanages are sad," I reply with a small voice.

Sometimes I remember the good times when I was younger than Kan; life wasn't as complicated or hurt as much back then. Looking at Ritsu, I find him already examining me. He blushes slightly with getting caught but doesn't look away. My hands sweat slightly as I manage a soft smile back at him. He flinches and then turns away from me, leaving me to wonder if I did something weird.

"Excuse me," a maternal voice calls and I look away from the boy next to me.

In front of me I find an elderly woman with a graying bun. She looks around mid-sixties and wears a purple kimono that is actually very plain. She looks at us with a harsh glare and I straighten my back while attempting to calm my beating heart. My hands clench my board harder as I coat it with sweat. Kou stands behind the woman and looks back at us with a pleading look. It's as if he's saying to 'please not mess up'. I only hope we don't.

"Good afternoon," I say, leading the boy with me into a low bow. "We are Kan's teachers from the Music Club. We were wondering if we could practice and perhaps take him out for a while."

"And just who do you think you are," the woman exclaims as I rise. Ritsu follows me up and I put a loose strand of hair behind my ear, hoping my hand won't shake but needing to do my twitch. My hand does shake profusely and the woman's eyes narrow as she catches my weakness.

"I am Ritsu Onoda," the boy announces next to me. His voice is strong and gives me courage to face this woman.

"And I am Susan Crea."

"Crea of the gang Dojin-kai, Crea?" the woman asks with a hiss and I flinch. Ritsu shifts closer to me and I no longer want to talk to this woman.

"Yes, I am," I reply shakily and the woman strides forward.

Ritsu looms next to me and our shoulders touch as he attempts to shield me. The woman doesn't seem to mind. She is soon in my face and I notice the fact that she is two inches taller than me. Her eyes examine me and I don't know if I should run or kill her. But I don't have a gun and maybe that is a good thing. If I killed her, the experience would surely scar Kan. The slender woman huffs a moment later and steps back.

"For having done so many bad things, you surprisingly aren't a bad person," she remarks mysteriously, face softening.

"Thank you?" I ask quietly and she merely resumes her glare.

"I do not want any trouble here or with my children. If you do anything to hurt them, I swear you won't ever be safe again. Do you understand?" she asks harshly and I gulp. I bow lowly to get her to stop looking into my eyes and Ritsu does the same.

"We promise," he says strongly for us and reaches out the short distance to grab my hand. It shakes in his warm palm and I wonder why I just didn't go into gangster mode. Then I remember that a small and impressionable child is watching, now joined by several other small children who have come to see the ruckus.

"We swear that nothing will happen to them. I won't allow any harm to come to anyone in this house," I proclaim and Ritsu squeezes my hand. He looks to the side and our eyes meet in the bow. He seems proud and gives me a reassuring smile.

"Alright then," the woman mutters after a long while.

We rise and I can see her give a small invisible smile. My hand is still in Ritsu's as I return her smile with a nervous one. She motions for us to follow and then turns into the house which all the small children had fled into. Squeezing the hand in mine, I give a sigh of relief and weigh if I can continue to hold the warm appendage. I don't think I can in front of Kan but I look to the redhead for guidance. He glances back at me and we exchange disappointed frowns. I give a sad smile as I slip my hand away from his and walk up towards the house. My hand is suddenly cold as I put my board next to the door.

"Susan-sensei! Ritsu-sensei!" Kan calls as I enter the home.

The living room has no one and I look around at the setup. It's void of a lot of furniture but instead is filled with small blanket forts and toys. Following the voice, I turn into a room that is empty except for a grand piano. I look at the Baldwin and know it's more expensive than a lot of pianos out there. The children are gathered around the piano as one of the older girls sits on the bench.

Ritsu comes next to me and we both stand, observing the children. The woman has seven including Kan. He appears to be the oldest with the girl with a pink sundress and braids sitting at the piano being the next oldest. Two boys dressed in jean overalls and yellow shirts appear to be around five. The two girls next to them wear identical jean shorts and pink t-shirts and are around seven. The last is held in Kan's grip and is a three year old in a black and white striped shirt and black shorts.

"Hello," I say in a soothing voice and the kids relax. Ritsu stands next to me and I know he's getting nervous now. I lightly brush his arm with my fingertips as I go to the girl at the piano. "Are you going to play for us?"

"I can't play very well," the girl replies and I nod softly. Giving her a soft smile, she gives me an insecure one back.

"That's fine. I would love to hear it," I reply and she nods in a happy manner, filled slightly with nervousness. I fold my arms and breathe in deeply, my anxiety simmering down.

Turning to the piano, I can see the children watching me carefully. Ritsu crosses the distance and stands right behind me. The edge of my dress brushes his legs as he leans into me for strength. I blush slightly but shift so my shoulder is in his chest. We look at one another and exchange embarrassed smiles, knowing that touching one another soothes our anxieties. Turning away, I watch the young child. The girl has turned back around and places her hands on the keys. She starts to play and I can hear that it's Minuet in G major. Unconsciously I lean further into my companion as I close my eyes and get lost in the music. She ends too soon and I open my eyes to see her give me a sorry look.

"I'm sorry it wasn't perfect!" she exclaims and I shake my head. Uncrossing my arms, I put a hand on her shoulder.

"The world isn't perfect, that's what makes it so great. You sounded beautiful," I praise and she lights up. The girl turns to Ritsu and I can feel him nod his head. She smiles even larger and I spy the elderly woman watching us from the doorway. She gives us a small smile and nods her head. Ritsu nods at her and we turn back to the children.

"We have to practice a bit, would you guys like to hear?" Kan announces to the children and they all nod while giving shouts of excitement. I look to Ritsu as the girl steps down from her place at the piano. He peers down, our bodies still touching, and he gives me a worried look.

"I'll practice when you guys have everything down, but my hands can only manage two rounds," I tell the two boys, noticing Kan's worried eyes along with beautiful light brown ones.

They nod in relief and I sit on the bench, detaching myself and suddenly craving Ritsu's warmth. Kan moves to me and I'm suddenly getting handed the youngest child. The boy sits on my lap and I watch the two music players get ready. We're not going to practice too much. Ritsu will get too concerned with my hands. The child on my lap turns around and eyes me dangerously. His hand goes out and he touches my lip piercings. He shakes the metal lightly and then looks at me with wide eyes.

"They're real!" he screams and I notice the others have come around to see my ears and neck.

"Yes they are." The boy looks like he's going to blow a gasket in his small brain so I distract him. "What's your name?"

"Makoto!"

"That's a nice name," I reply and he squirms with excitement. I look to the two boys. "What are your guy's names?"

"I'm Shoyo and he's Yuu," the one called Shoyo proclaims, Yuu looking at me silently. I nod and look to the girls. They give me bright smiles and I watch their long hair bounce with them jumping.

"I'm Kiyoko!"

"I'm Sakura!"

"Lovely," I chant and look to the girl pianist. She blushes and then speaks up.

"Haruka," she replies. For a moment I pause and Ritsu seems to know what I'm going to say, smiling into his music case.

"You all have such pretty names!" I exclaim and the kids all shift with happiness.

They're orphans and they're getting happy only with me saying their names are pretty. I want to cry. I'm sure my face has a smile but my eyes are pained, tears threatening to fall for a second time today. They are so happy even though they should be the unhappiest kids alive. I used to be happy just like them. But right now, I'm gonna make sure they're as happy as they can be. Ritsu looks at me and he seems to know what I'm thinking. He comes to me and leans down to whisper into my ear.

"We'll only practice a couple of times. Then we can take them to a park and get them ice cream. Okay?" he says in a deep low voice.

I turn my head and feel the butterflies hit my stomach multiple times. As he rises, my turned head accidentally hits him. His lips drag slightly against my cheek and then they stop. He leans in secretively and lightly kisses my cheek, his lips lingering on my flesh a second longer than necessary. My face burns with his lips when he rises quickly and blushes at me. I smile at him, so happy and content with where I am. My heart pounds and I couldn't be any happier if I tried.

"Thank you," I whisper, but when I say the words, my voice sounds like it's saying something completely different. It sounds like I'm saying I love you and I don't know if he actually knows that I do. The only thing I can say for sure is that I accidentally fell in love with Ritsu.

* * *

_**This is starting to be too fluffy. I can't take writing all this fluff. I don't even get this much fluff in real life. But wait, Ritsu lied about his last name. Perfect place to start the seed of doubt and place Kyoya in the middle. Do some more fluff. Do some angst. Break Susan's heart. Break Ritsu's heart. Have them mad at each other. Have Susan die. The end. **_

_**Loves yous guys and as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. **_

_**P.S. I don't think I'm joking about the comments. I don't think I know what I'm doing anymore.**_


	22. Please

**Chapter Twenty-two: Please**

* * *

"**Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you." **

― **Natsuki Takaya**

* * *

I'm not really sure how I ended up in this predicament. I think it had something to do with the handsome redhead next to me. His charm works my brain into mush and my mind didn't really think. And for the millionth time in my life, I never really thought through situations that could cause me to have a panic attack. But kneeling before the old lady of the orphanage, as she sits above us on a rocking chair throne, pleading to her to let us take her children off the property, was surely leading to a panic attack.

"You want to do what?" she asks a second time. Her voice was as thick as nails, which were then scraping at what little composure I still possessed.

"We want to take the kids to the park and maybe get them some ice cream. Please," I respond and try to keep my voice firm. It really does help that I don't have to look at the woman when I'm in this kneeling position. But from this position I can see just how nice her rug is, and my brain makes the shaky note that it is very pretty. Yep, I'm a mess.

"And what makes you think that I will let a killer and her very suspicious friend who is a little too friendly, who I am also worried about because he might just be doing everything out of fear, take seven children to the park?" she retorts.

I inhale sharply and try not to shake. Ritsu goes to open his mouth but I told him I would do this myself. But even then he looks like he's going to protect me and I reach over and pinch him. The boy jumps and glares at me. I stare at him blankly until he understands that I have to do this on my own. The lady knows that it's me that is the real problem. Besides, what kind of gang lord would I be if I couldn't even protect children in my territory? A bad one is the answer.

"Because I will protect them from even the worst of people. Because I take in orphans and know how hard their lives are because I was in their shoes at one time. Please trust me. The truth is I only want to make them happy because I've felt how they've felt and think that all children should have fun," I reply and for once my voice is steady. My hands are sweating and I swear if this keeps on for a few more minutes, I will have a panic attack and the kids won't get to go out.

"But you are also a person who puts them at risk," she replies in a calm voice. I look up and find her frowning at me. Her face is still beautiful in her old age. What life did she live years ago?

"I know that, but this is my territory. This is my land. And if anything should happen when we are out there, Ritsu will bring them straight home and I will be the one to deal with the hostile situation. I will not allow them to be there," I assure and the woman looks at me in the eyes. Her glare pierces through me but I don't flinch. I know that I will protect them. Accidents may happen but not accidents like that.

"And if I let them go to you," she starts and then stops suddenly, her lips rolling in deliberation, "do you swear that you will keep them safe?"

"I swear on my life," I reply without hesitation. The woman wrings her hands and I watch Ritsu's head rise and side glance me. His face is so many emotions and I break my blank stare for a reassuring smile. He has a funny look on his face and then turns back around.

"Very well. I will trust you this one time. But if anything should happen, and don't even think about trying to cover it up, be warned that I will come to your home and skin you alive," the woman hisses and I look at her softly. She's threatening a gang boss like I'm a regular person. Giving her a small smile, she startles at my soft look.

"Thank you. It means a lot to me and to them," I reply so quietly, unsure now if she heard me. But I know she did with the next statement.

"You are very strange Susan Crea, very strange," she muses. I nod once to her, confirming that I am indeed strange, and then rise. Ritsu is at my side in a second and looks to the woman with the intent to clarify something. I just feel embarrassed and I hardly know why. The reason is made clear with his next remark.

"I like her," he confesses to the woman and then looks at me then back to her. "I like her a lot, so no I'm not just friendly because I'm scared of her."

"Ritsu," I gasp and turn multiple shades of crimson. What is he doing?!

The boy grabs my hand and leads us in a bow. The old woman is just as surprised as I am. Her mouth hangs open as he leads me out of the room and I just follow wordlessly. We turn down hall upon hall, getting lost in the larger home. Ritsu huffs and his hand clenches mine tighter and tighter. I am just happy that I get to deflate from my anxiety from the woman.

But then again, his actions don't help the blood in my face. Rather, I think I'll pass out if he does something like that again. What is he even thinking? Confessing feelings to strangers? That isn't normal. But nothing about us is normal, I remember for the billionth time in forever. I can't expect him to act one way and he can't expect me to act like a civilian.

But the pounding in my chest makes me realize just how happy I am with those words. Damnit, I hope he doesn't take the words back. I look at Ritsu and he finally stops, breathing hard. The boy seems to be angry that the lady thought he was with me because I scared him. I have to admit that I do stop and think that quite often but Ritsu has said he isn't afraid of me. Maybe I should ask just one more time.

"Don't you dare ask me if I'm afraid of you," the boy says as he turns around sharply. We stand in a dark hallway, not really being led back to the kids and the light. He stands so close that I have to look up and I can feel his breath in my hair. "I am not afraid of you."

"Okay—"

"And don't you dare think that that lady is right to call you strange or think you can't protect those kids," he goes on, face full of life as the words fall out somewhat harshly. I think this is him when he gets mad. It's not scary, but I'm curious with his actions. He can't handle his emotions with me; just like how I can't handle mine with him.

"Okay—"

"And don't you dare think that I was lying when I said I liked you," he goes on and he's starting to get hysterical. His face looks at various parts of mine and I am starting to really appreciate his overprotective nature. It shows me that he actually does care about me. He's always the one protecting me.

"Okay—"

"And don't you dare think that you can pinch me and then be so damn pretty that you get away with it every time," he rants and I know I have to stop him before he says something that is premature. He's just too cute when he's all flustered.

So instead of saying okay like the rest of the times, I think of what girls would do in this situation. Well, normally it's the girl that's going off and the guy just kisses her. Should I kiss him? His face is highlighted and shaded beautifully, bringing out the strong line of his jaw. It might not be such a bad idea. I start to lean into him and remember his words from my foggy memory of last night.

I could kiss him now and he wouldn't stop me. Nothing is holding me back. That is until I am reminded that small children lurk around this house. This reminder comes in the form of Kan yelling our names. And in the extremely short time that I was thinking, Ritsu opens his mouth to spew more words, my chance flying away along with my courage. Flustered, I merely flail my arms in panic and then punch his arm. That was definitely not a kiss.

"Ow," he cries instead of saying something ridiculous.

"Calm down," I say softly, blushing with my rushed actions. "I know you aren't scared of me. But I am strange and I should stop pinching you—"

"Will you go out with me? Please," he interrupts and I stare up at him.

A crimson tide comes over my body while my mouth drops open. It closes and then opens again. Ritsu seems like he won't take no for an answer. He stares down at me and his gaze is unflinching-a pure look of gangster coming to fruition-but his face softens when he notices my silence. Then my brain shuts down and in the next heartbeat comes back to life with butterflies slaughtering my stomach and my breath catches in my throat.

He likes me. Well, I kinda had a hunch but he actually told a scary lady that he likes me a lot. And now he wants to actually make whatever this is official. I would have expected him to not want to officially date the gang lord. But he wants me for me and my panic attacks and my love of music and my soft hearted nature for children. I want him too. This is too much for my heart.

"God," I murmur, my accent coming out full force with the breath. I swallow and his face turns into panic. I put my hand on his chest and his heart is pounding so hard I feel it through the cloth. I smile at his chest and nod several times. "You are too amazing sometimes. Of course I'll go out with you."

"God you made me nervous," he whispers as his hand goes into my hair, playing with a curl.

"That's my line," I smile and he huffs.

"No it's not," he argues with a teasing tone and I laugh.

"Ritsu-sensei! Susan-sensei!" Kan calls.

This is followed by other children calling. A pack of footsteps comes down the dark hall and we step away from each other. The children are running down the hall, the younger girls leading the way. The small Makoto is being held in Kan's arms and I have the fear that he is going to drop him. Ritsu senses my fear and when the kids come to me, grabs the toddler from our student's clutches. The small boy looks at him and then reaches into his hair. He strokes the red locks and then looks at me, arms stretching out in surprise.

"It's real!" He exclaims and I wonder if that's all he will ever do with us. Ritsu shies away from the small hands and the boy hands me the child. I take him and balance him on my hip as Shoyo rams into Ritsu's leg. The boy that I hold then looks at us and then turns to Kan. Our student stands in front of us, large smile on his face.

"Are we going to the park?" Kan asks and I nod my head slowly. The boy looks to the girl in the pink dress and she smiles brightly. "See, I told you they could do it!"

"Can we get ice cream?" Yuu murmurs quietly from behind me, clutching my dress with a light grip. Ritsu nods and the boy nods with him, stoic as ever except for his shining eyes-which I now find a dark blue shade.

"Let's go over some rules," I announce and all the kids groan. They look at me like I'm the enemy and I laugh.

"We have to have some rules or else we can't have ice cream," Ritsu says too quickly, startling the kids. I rearrange the toddler on my hip, who feels too light for his age, and lean my other hip into the redhead's leg. He sighs in relief and I smile at the kids.

"Okay, so the rules are that you always have to be with your buddy. Ritsu and Makoto are mine, so you guys pick yours," I instruct and they look at each other. The two five year old girls hold each other's hands and then Kan stands next to Haruka. Shoyo and Yuu are left and Shoyo reaches out to clasp the other's hand only for when this feat is accomplished, the melancholy boy sighs deeply.

"Next rule is that you guys can't talk to strangers," Ritsu says firmly and they all nod their small heads. He leans down and whispers into my ear, his nervousness making an unsure voice. "Good rule?"

"Very good rule," I reply and he stands straighter, nodding with satisfaction. I look at the children and make the last rule. "Last rule, you guys have to always stay close to us. So if we haven't gone in the street yet, you can't. Or if you guys are playing on the playground, we still have to be able to see you and your buddy."

"Okay," they chant, recharged with thoughts of ice cream and grass.

I put the small boy in my hands down and transfer him to stand between me and Ritsu. The child gets the idea and reaches for our hands, us making a barrier on each side. Ritsu looks at Kan and he nods, starting to lead us through the house. The boy will be the one to lead the pack, seeing as how he is the oldest and most trustworthy. Haruka goes next to him while Sakura and Kiyoko go next and then Shoyo and Yuu.

Soon enough, our train of children is out the door and I turn back to see the scary lady standing in the doorway. She waves a farewell but her eyes scream murder will come if we don't have them back intact. I wave back and offer her a bright smile. She doesn't return it. The sunlight was pouring into the street and I turn around, clutching Makoto's little hand tighter. No harm will come to these children. It will be a cold day in hell when these kids are in trouble.

"Can we sing a song?" Shoyo asks exuberantly when we get to the sidewalk. I look at Ritsu and he looks at me. He shrugs and I nod my head to the dark haired child. Yuu once again sighs and I don't know whether I want to laugh or feel bad for him. But in the next moment he speaks up and offers a suggestion.

"Can we sing a rolling acorn, please?" Yuu asks in a quiet voice and Shoyo shakes his arm in acceptance. The girls in front of them bounce up and down, while Kan merely groans. Haruka looks back at me and I tilt my head in confusion.

"Ritsu," I whisper. Makoto jumps and we both have the instinct to pick him up. Ritsu looks at me scared that he'll hurt the boy who's flying in the air but I giggle. "He'll be fine. Now, what's this song?"

"Oh, you wouldn't know it would you," he muses and then turns back to the children. "It's about an acorn and he goes into the lake and meets a loacher."

"An acorn goes on an underwater adventure? Does he get eaten?" I whisper back, while Ritsu snorts. The snort erupts into laughter and Kan looks at us. Recovering quickly, Ritsu nods to the leader.

"Why would you think he gets eaten?" He asks me and I shrug.

"Some kid songs are weird," I complain. "Have you heard _ring around the rosie_?"

"No, but this one is nice. Watch," he laughs. He turns forward and Makoto jumps again, his small body being flung into the air by our hands. "Donguri korokoro donburiko."

The kids all start singing a moment later and Ritsu turns to me with a large grin. I listen to the story of the acorn falling into a pond and smile as Makoto tries to keep up with the fast pace singing. Kan seems to be leading the group, while the others sing a little more softly. I know why when the boy turns and his pure voice hits me head on. It sounds so clear and rings like a bell. Ritsu looks at me from the corner and I nod, him starting to sing with the children once again.

"Donguri korokoro donburiko. O-ike ni hamatte saa taihen. Dojou ga detekite konnichi wa. Botchan issho ni asobimashou," he sings and gives me a large smile. He has a good voice, having been trained slightly with how it holds each note. Makoto looks at me and then when there is silence, he laughs.

"Can you do an English one?" The small child says and my face turns into a small frown. My voice never makes a good song because of the contrasting accents. "Please."

Looking at the small boy he gives me puppy eyes. Looking at Ritsu he has a curious look and I sigh. Thinking about all songs in the world, the other children look at me as we stop at a light. I guess the only one they would really know would be my favorite one. But I remember wishing on stars when I was getting hurt and the wishes never coming true. Then again, the wishes may just be a little late.

"_Twinkle, twinkle, little star,"_ I sing out as we walk again. I look at Ritsu and he smiles a large smile. "_How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high."_

"_Like a diamond in the sky," _Ritsu joins me and Makoto jumps, flying into the air. We see the park as we both start again, our accents mixing somehow wonderfully in the air.

"_Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are,"_ we sing together and the park comes into view. The kids all start jumping around and the song continues in Japanese. When we get to the park, they finish their song and turn to me and then Ritsu.

"Remember the rules," he orders and the kids nod. I look around and find a bench that overlooks the playground.

"We're going to be right over there. If you need us, just come over. If anyone tries to talk to you, tell us or else no ice cream," I tell them and they all nod again. "Okay, go have fun and stay with your buddy."

The kids all scream and then run off into the playground. Makoto watches them and then looks up at us with a frown. Ritsu picks the boy up and we walk over to the bench which is positioned next to a sandbox. Ritsu puts the boy in the sandbox which already has molds. The small boy's eyes lighten up and he puts his hands into the sand.

Ritsu smiles at him and I watch as the redhead's arms go to his hips. His smile is soft but normal people would miss it, instead watching the crease in his brows which make him harsh. I really know that he's wondering if he did the right thing. But people would never see his stance as open or that the hands on his hips are wringing his shirt which means he's anxious. The wind runs through his hair and the half ponytail sways everywhere. It's falling out of the rubber band.

Quietly going behind the boy I reach up into his hair. He startles with my hands on his back but I rub it reassuringly. My hands make my way up to his neck and then to his scalp. Gently, I take the band out of his hair and all the red comes out in full force, blowing into the wind. I gather his hair in my hands and marvel at how soft it is. The blush finally catches up when I hear Makoto laughing. I put it in the ponytail and then look at the small boy.

"Onee-chan loves Onii-chan," the boy giggles and I stick my tongue out at him. The boy giggles again but I don't correct his words.

"Come on," I tell Ritsu and then go sit on the bench, counting all our children.

The boy comes and sits next to me, as red as his hair. I look at him and my bravery has finally grown back. The boy avoids my eyes and I huff and look out to the kids. He needs time to deflate. But even through his embarrassment, he reaches out and takes my hand in his. I wait for a long time, watching the orphans' smiling faces. The hand in mine starts tracing along my veins and I shiver. I am too happy. I love this boy too much.

"Susan," the voice finally speaks and I give a noise of acknowledgment. "What did you mean when you said you had been in their shoes?"

"You caught that," I murmur and watch Makoto attempt to make a perfect mold. Ritsu squeezes my hand and I know he's not going to let this go. "Ritsu, what are your parents like?"

"Well," he starts and then shifts in his seat. "My mom died when I was really young. It took a toll on my dad and he turned real gruff."

"I'm sorry you didn't know your mom. I bet she was be an amazing woman," I reassure as I look at him. He has a sad look on his face and then looks at the kids.

"Yah, my dad says that. But my old man took care of me best that he could," he tells me and I squeeze his hand.

"Well he did a great job," I reassure. Ritsu snorts and I look at him. He gives me a goofy smile and I raise my eyebrow.

"You're corny," he laughs at me and I smirk.

"What's wrong with that?" I retort and he laughs again. The kids look at us and then Shoyo waves happily. I wave back at him and Sakura and Kiyoko join him. Yuu stands to the side and has gained a large smile.

"Were you an orphan?" Ritsu asks quietly and I feel my face go into a shielded look. Do I want to tell him?

"I didn't think you want to know about my sad childhood until the third date," I tease shakily.

Ritsu huffs and I sigh. He's not going to let this go. I can't tell him about those people yet. I can't tell him just how broken I am. The dream and ignorance has to last a little longer. Even if I know he saw the scars and the evidence of their cruelty when he changed me into my pajamas last night. I can't tell him those memories just yet. Huffing he pulls me closer to him, our legs and sides touching.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he replies but I can hear the sadness in his voice. I look at him and he looks at me blankly.

"I can't start at the beginning but I can tell you some things. It's hard to remember sometimes," I whisper as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"If you need to stop, I won't be angry," he informs and I smile softly.

"Well here's how I met my Pa," I breathe out and begin my half tale. Because that's all I can manage with him right now.

* * *

A girl four feet tall, who barely weighed above 55 pounds, was staring at the farmer market display. It was a cold Saturday in November and she wore too little clothing not to feel the chill. Her hair was long but the grease from not washing was starting to be evident in her ponytail and her clothes themselves were hole ridden. The strange thing about her was that her green eyes were brighter than emeralds and she had the complexion of a faraway queen and not foggy Brooklyn.

Her name was Jean Mitchell and I had been on the streets approximately a week. Every day I would go out and get food by dumpsters of restaurants but today I was hungry. It also didn't help when you look so young to be out alone. New York is a dangerous place and people never want to help you. At least I wasn't willing to get caught because the belt wounds on my back were proof that people were mean.

I spy a red apple as the man with the fruits sets up. It was so early that the sun had barely peeked through the clouds. I move in my black sweatshirt and jeans carefully. It was a good thing that I had packed tight leggings. They fit under the baggy jeans with ease and would give me the freedom to run. A woman down the street crosses and I hide further into my spot behind the dumpster. She's a rich lady, a fur coat shielding her from the air. My hands come out of my pockets and rub each other, trying to get blood to my numb fingers.

"Excuse me," the woman calls, diamond earrings shining even from my distance.

She looks as she waves him down with her free hand; the other clutches a large phone to her ear. The vendor man looks at her the way the paying men look at me. My body shivers and my hips begin to ache. I hope he doesn't hurt her like those men hurt me. There is no fear in her eyes as she looks at the apples set up. I just want one. That's all I really need.

"What can I do for you?" he asks in a scary voice.

I don't know what the tone means but she doesn't see the harm in it. The woman puts her purse into her other hand and struggles to put the phone in a pocket. I make my way around my dumpster, careful not to be seen. If I can get them distracted, I can get my apple and be on my way. The man again looks up and down her and I wonder if I don't really want an apple. The woman grabs one though and it reflects the light with being so red. I lick my chapped lips; they hurt and I think I could taste blood from a crack. The woman puts down her purse and looks at the man with junky eyes, like she's fixing for the next score.

This is my chance. I start walking towards them, keeping my head down and hood up. They are exchanging dirty talk and I can see her purse on the floor next to bag of apples. Do I take it with the apples? It's too late to decide because I've already grabbed both and have made my break. For a moment there are no angry shouts and I think they might have not noticed me. Maybe I'm getting to be so good at being invisible; people can no longer see me.

"You little bitch!" the woman shrieks and I turn down an alleyway. It's a good thing I know where I am and the area.

"Stop right now!" another voice calls but it's softer than the first and my legs pump harder.

I run into the park across the street and turn around. No one is following but I know I have to keep going. Going across the park, I slip under the pond bridge, careful with the icy water. I open up the purse and find the woman's wallet. It's fancy and filled with cards. I check the pouches and find a wad of cash. Stuffing the cash into the burlap apple sack, I find a box and out the lady's purse in it. Placing it in the river, I head the opposite way, running over the bridge.

My lungs feel cold from the air and I want to cough. But as I turn down another street, I have the feeling they called the cops. That's the last thing I need. Cops never help me. They never thought I needed help. My legs start to feel like jelly when I get near the ocean front, warehouses and fisherman strangling around. Last week a fisherman tried to help me but I could tell in his eyes that it would only leave bruises on my legs.

I make it to my warehouse relatively unseen. Going up the stairs of the rotting tin cave, I find it quiet and when I get to the top, I couldn't be more relieved. My small body collapses into the makeshift bed of towels and sheets and old clothes. It may not be much but it's warmer than my sweater. I push the apples away and grab a large man's coat from the pile and put it on. It keeps me warm but I can never run with it. My feet are numb as I take off my shoes and put the millions of socks I have laying around on each foot. I finally start to cough as my lungs get warm.

When I finally can breathe without gook coming up, I zip the coat up and reach for my apple bag. Listening to the ocean, I take out the green currency and count. The lady had a lot of money on her and I made out with almost three hundred dollars. I pull it into my makeshift bed and find my tin of things. It already has twenty dollars but then it has a bunch of hair bands, a ring I found from some sewer, a bar of soap and a small bottle of rubbing alcohol. But my prize is the small radio I took from my foster family that reports the cops. I put the twenty into my jeans and leave the rest of it there, hiding it under the mess again.

I've made it a long time. It's a good thing I don't trust people. People can't help me for shit. I don't really understand the concept of swearing but that word feels right when I say it in that sentence. Done with my victory celebration, I take out an apple from the bag. It's red and when I bite into it, it crunches. My stomach caves in when I swallow and I realize I was really hungry. I eat more of it and watch the sun come up over the water. It's so pretty for being so cold. I finish the apple and think how I don't want it in my bed. So I drop the apple core out the window, a foolish mistake which cost me dearly.

"What the fuck?" a man yells and I cringe.

Oh no. Oh no no no. There is movement outside and I look around my things. I grab another apple and my tin. The doors of my shack fly open and I freeze. My small body quivers as I realize I don't have a place to hide. But I look over the balcony and see an angry man in a suit. He goes to the bottom room and I quickly run down the stairs. But my jacket is too big and I fall down the last three, my tin crashing into the side wall.

"Danny?" another voice calls and a group of men enter my temporary home. I grab my apple, forgoing my tin as it spewed the contents on the floor. The radio started with the jostle and is spewing out police movements quickly. And just about as I see my escape possible, I get picked up from behind.

"No," I scream and flail, pushing against the man. The man laughs and I know that laugh; it's the one before they tell me that everything will be alright, that it won't hurt like the last time.

"Fucking street rat," he chuckles in my ear and I know the battle is lost. The other men come to me and I pray they won't do it all at the same time.

"Put the kid down Danny," one man says, his suit being black while the others blue. To my surprise, my feet hit the ground and I stand still. When no one moves, I pick up my tin and replace its contents, holding my radio in hand a concentrating in the static. "Kid did you try to hit me in the head with an apple?"

I turn around but stare at the man's shoes. I shake my head several times and he laughs, like I'm amusing. I shake my head again to protest that I'm not lying. My radio fluctuates louder and I fix the setting quietly. When the voices are finally clear, I lower the volume. There is only silence until I hear the opening of a zippo lighter and flinch. My gaze travels to the noise and I back against the wall.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see you," I say hurriedly as I watch the man in the black suit light a cigarette. I don't want to be burned. "Please don't."

"Don't what?" he asks as he jostles the stick in his mouth. I watch the burning tip and shake my head over and over. "Don't what kid?"

I continue to shake my head and the man who picked me up comes to my side. His hand reaches towards me and I flinch and duck my face away. When no blows come, I look up and find his hand hovering in front of me. My lip trembles as I anticipate what he's going to do to my body. But the tension dissipates when he merely removes my hood and gasps.

"It's a girl!" he exclaims as my hair falls out of my jacket. The man takes the ponytail in his hand and I shake. Please don't pull it. "How old are you kid?"

"Please don't pull it," I whisper, my voice cracking into pieces.

The man lets go of me and looks to the one with the cigarette. That man comes to me and when he raises his hand, I flinch again. He's probably angry that I told him no. My mind shuts off and I listen to the sounds of the radio. There's a crash on the freeway and a domestic disturbance at an apartment building. My listening stops when the man touches my cheek and I can longer keep the tears of fear in. I hope he's not one of the men who don't like the crying. I'll get burned for sure then.

"Kid, you okay?" the man asks and when I'm about to nod, I catch the radio. Raising the volume I can translate the cop code, having learned it a year ago. Possible drug activity is near the docks by the c section.

"The cops are coming," I announce and rip myself from the man. He hisses as I run up the stairs.

"Kid we got to go," he screams as I get my apple bag. I look at him to find him standing alone and cars starting outside. I shake my head to him and he blows out smoke. "Come on!"

"Please don't," I tell him as I run down, being careful not to trip a second time. The man looks like he's going to pick me up and take me but the sirens are heard and he merely runs out the back, cigarette still in mouth. I move to my hiding spot, a storage space in the floor, and wait for the sirens to die. They don't and that night I was back in hell.

* * *

I curse the cops. I curse my foster family. I curse every person who has ever paid for me. I curse those men who cost me my freedom. I curse the school and nurse and other students. I curse the social worker who left me with that terrible family. I curse me. I curse you. I curse God. Looking up at the stars, I make my wishes. The wishes that I had said when I was weighted down my men, who fell asleep before their time was up, were never answered. Maybe my wishes have to be meaner to actually come true.

My right eye was swollen shut and the stars were high in the sky as snow fell from the clouds around the small pocket of night. Soon enough the clouds covered that small hope and I look out at the water. I was cold and my back ached. It was wet from the running and being irritated. The wounds were still too fresh to really handle any movement. They're going to get infected, I just know it.

But there are bigger concerns right now, like how it gotten ten degrees colder in five minutes. My jacket was wool but my pants were merely jeans, not even having leggings under them this time. Mittens helped my hands and a hat helped my head but my feet were nearly frostbitten. I think tonight is the night I'm going to die. Is death painful? I don't think I can experience anything that hurt worse than living with those people.

The bridge groans with the cold and cars as I watch the ice on the waves. It's pretty. Reaching over to get my tin, I find a lollipop hidden underneath all my other junk. I no longer had all the other money I had collected days before, the parents taking it for heroine. But it was the only way I could get them to fall asleep with their guards down. Carefully unwrapping it, the red sphere stares back at me. I put it in my mouth and wonder if death really is as horrible as everyone believes it to be. Maybe they're just scared of being alone. I think I like being alone.

Sucking on the cherry sugar, I turn on my radio. If it's my last night, I might as well listen to the voices to calm me for the journey. There's a robbery over by the pawn shop and a drunk driver over by central. My legs get colder as I find snow is sticking to me. I brush it off and gather the slush to make a snowball. It turns to liquid in my hands, not having enough snow to stay solid. My lip trembles when I realize that like the snow, I won't be here. I'm going to die at age ten. This really sucks.

"Hurry up! The guys aren't gonna wait for you," a voice yells into the snowy night. Footsteps are heard above my place and I don't even move. I've resigned myself that nothing could be worse than that hell.

"Hey," the person who has come down here calls to me, words chewed through a stance accent. I don't shift my glance and hope I can disappear. I don't want to be hurt. "Hey, boy, what you doing down here?"

I must appear larger than normal for him to think I was a boy. The radio chimes on of a hooker over by the red light district and an assault in the park. The man is standing over me but I'm so cold and tired. My legs don't move for me to run away and my mouth doesn't move around my candy. I just want to go away. Maybe I can go into a fairytale and live happily ever after.

"Vito!" a harsh voice calls the man next to me. I flinch with the tone and finally get up, my candy dropping from my mouth. The small Italian man next to me jumps and stares into my face.

"You're a little girl!" he exclaims, his accent so thick I can barely understand him. The man has a wool coat that goes to the floor and a blue scarf. He's short and kinda heavy but his face smiles at me softly. The man then turns up towards the way he came and yells for his companions. "Steven! Danny! I found a kid."

The man is younger than I would expect but it's not like age is a basis of how good you are. Two other men follow the first's path to my hiding spot. They're dressed exactly like him except for the colors of their jackets. When they get down to me, I clutch my tin tighter and wonder if I could run away. They block my path and I know that the river is the only direction I can go. The ice stares back at me and my lip trembles. It's too cold to have them do things to me.

"Vito, what are you doing with her? She's a street rat, nothing special," one man tells the other. The third who has been silent takes out a cigarette and I watch carefully as he lights it. My back hurts so much. I can't take any more burns on it.

"Look at her eye," the Italian accent argues and both men come closer to me. I peer at them through my one good eye and they frown at me. My radio starts speaking again. There's another robbery and another drunk driver but they're on the other side of the bridge.

"Kid, what happened to your eye?" the cigarette man asks and I look at him carefully. He doesn't smile like it's amusing but his finger holds a torture weapon. I can't say anything bad but I don't want to lie. I merely shake my head back and forth.

"It's a nasty shiner," the skinny tall man says. He looks at the one with the cigarette and I think I remember him. But when he approaches with lighter in hand, my mind goes to mud. Please don't burn me.

"Please don't," I manage and the man stops and frowns at me. He comes closer and I clutch my tin so tightly, the metal begins to warp. He is finally standing two feet away from me and is staring into my good eye.

"Don't what kid?" he asks as he blows smoke into the air. I watch the end shimmer with fire and shake my head. His face crunches and when he lifts his hand to hit me, I just close my eyes and prepare. "Kid who hit you?"

I open my eyes to see the man looking at me softly and I startle. He looks nice. But he isn't. But he might be. I can't trust him. The man's hand goes out again and I'm too cold to even flinch anymore. The limb grabs my dirty ponytail under my hat and brings it out from my back. The hair slumps and when it hits the air, it feels wet. I had it between my shirt and jacket. I've bled through my shirt.

"Steven," the Italian man says as he comes to us. He looks at the slush on the floor as drops of blood paint it red. "She's bleeding."

"Kid, who did this to you?" the man asks as he jostles with his cigarette. He takes it in his hand and I tremble. He still holds my hair but notices the movement.

"Please don't," I whisper as the cigarette hovers dangerously close.

"Don't what kid?" he asks again but when he finally understands I'm scared of the burning stick, he puts it out on the floor. "Kid, we gotta take you to the hospital."

I shake my head furiously. I go to the hospital and the social worker will just show up. She doesn't do anything good for me. She'll just send me back and they'll beat me even more for running away again. The man grabs my arm and the beaten limb hurts with his grip. I try to stay quiet but the tears of fear are coming out. I'm just going to go back to hell. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back.

"Please," I whine out, crying full force. I'm too cold. I'm too hurt. I'm too tired. I just want to stay here and die.

"Kid, you're the one from the docks two days ago? Right?" the man holding me asks as he drags me up the hill. I finally realize that this man cost me my freedom. My wish didn't come true after all. "Did they take you home and you got beat cause you ran away?"

The man is smart. But as he wheels around, I see his face is angry. He awaits my response and I want to stay quiet. This doesn't work and the man grabs my hair and the tears flow harder. The ponytail isn't ripped from my head yet but that doesn't mean that he isn't going to do it. I'm cold and scared.

"Please don't pull it," I cry softly. The man drops my hair and grows a red angry face. He's going to beat me.

"Damnit. If I had taken you with us you wouldn't have been beat," he spits out like a curse. My body shudders with the tone and for once I feel powerful. Like I can tell him it's his entire fault and break him to pieces or reassure him that it'll be okay. But my radio livens up and I listen to the message coming through the speaker. Drug activity on this side of the bridge and four responders are headed this way.

"The cops are coming," I whisper as the tears dry up immediately.

I have to go. Wrenching myself from the man, I start to run. My legs hurt so badly and the man yells after me. But he doesn't seem to be following me. Going to a hiding spot I found, I lower the radio as sirens fill the air. My eyes close from the tears and exhaustion and I'm woken up by cops a moment later. I close my eyes a second time and find myself in a cell. It was dark and I was still cold but my back hurt more than it had ever. I must have passed out.

The jail was scary, being dimly lit and the people across from my cell were staring at me with terrifying grins. Why was I even here? Did the cops think that I did something bad? They're going to tell the social worker where I am. I can't go back there. They can't make me go back to that house. The person on the other side of the cells, separated from me by barred wall, smells of alcohol. My eyes burn as they open further, finally getting up fully.

My small body rises and my back aches and itches. It's infected. I'm going to really die. I move across the cell and go into the corner by the door. I just want to leave. I don't have a home to go to but I don't want to be here anymore. Why can't I just go away? I just want to disappear. My body shakes as I bring my legs into my chest. My one good eye, tears up and my vision blurs. My closed one pulses with the emotions but no liquid runs out.

The light from the lamp shines on my hands and I raise my sleeves and look at all the bruises. I'm nothing. I should just disappear. Life isn't good. It was never really good. Life actually kind of sucks. I have no home. I have no family. I've been bruised and tainted and been made nothing more than a commodity for others. No one cares about me and they never will. I just want to disappear. A shadow comes over me and I think that maybe I have finally had a wish that will come true. But instead I'm just scared.

"Kid, you okay?" a voice asks and I just stare at my hands. They're small and have bruises from fighting back when I was getting beaten. The struggle never really helps me but I can never really just stand there. "Kid! You okay?"

"Please," I whisper into the silent jail. "Please just let me disappear."

"Kid, you ain't going to disappear. Look at me," the voice urges and it's soft and coaxing. I don't want to turn but my head does anyway. It leans against the cold wall and I see the cigarette man. His hair is darker in the ugly lighting and his eyes look at me with a kind expression. He cost me my freedom. I should hate him. But I don't think I could hate anyone anymore. It's too tiring.

"Please," I say strongly, scaring him for a second. He waits for me to continue and I wring my black and blue hands, suddenly wondering where my mittens went. But then I wonder if this man is here to take me back to the house. I can't go back there. They'll beat me and I'll die in pain. "Please, don't make me go back."

"I ain't going to make you go back," he assures and I turn to him, looking at his thick coat. I'm cold. My eyes make it up to his face and he lowers himself into a kneeling position. "I paid your bail. The lawyers will drop your charges. So you don't have to stay here."

"Why?" I ask, my voice starting to get more life despite my situation.

The man's eyes widen and he chuckles. He puts his hand through the bars and tries to take mine. I stiffen and then realize that he just wanted me like the paying men do. He's just going to make me go with him and do terrible things. He isn't anything but another bad person who is going to use me. I should have known better than to hope I could be saved. He tries to touch me but I gently take his hand and push it away, the feeble attempt of not being touched scaring him even more.

"I'm taking you home," come the soft words and I shake my head. The man sighs and continues. "Come on. I already have the car in the front. We're going to go home."

"Home?" I ask and then the tears flow again. I laugh and it rings in the air like a sad song. "I have no home."

"Kid, you have one now. You can come to my home and we can get you warm and feed you. I promise to never beat you, so get up so we can go home," the man pleads and I look into his eyes through the bars. We're so close that I can see a faint scar near his ear and feel his hot breath. I want to shake my head and say no but then he says the word that only I ever speak. "Please."

"What?" I breathe out, hearing the word for the first time out of another human's mouth. It sounds different when he says it. It sounds strong and reassuring while mine always sounds broken and scared.

"Please. Let's go home."

I don't move until I'm sure that this wasn't a dream. I pinch a bruise on my wrist and feel the pain shoot up my arm. Someone actually wants to help me. He wants to give me a home. He isn't bad. I have to try and trust him. It's the least that I could do. There is nothing else that awaits me out in the world. But here he is, asking me to please go with him. Please, such a simple word. I fear it. It has too much weight in my mind.

"You promise you won't hurt me," I say and hope that I won't have to get up. I hope he hesitates. But he doesn't.

"I promise. Now please, let me help you."

"Alright."

* * *

**Okay, I'm going to end this whole weekend here. Also that beginning quote feels so good after you read everything. I am tired and will probably have a chapter up at the end of next week too. If I don't have too much homework. But oh well, homework sucks. I hate school. But I love all of you that have stuck out this long. I'm deliberating how many chapters I want left. I don't know. Comment if you guys are enjoying this chapter. I actually like this chapter a lot. I'm weird. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess and as usual, loves yous guys. **


	23. A Cardigan's Sleeve

**Chapter Twenty-three: A Cardigan's Sleeve**

* * *

"**Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." **

― **Ambrose Bierce, **_**The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary**_

"**Hey, look — Harry's got a Weasley sweater, too!"**

**Fred and George were wearing blue sweaters, one with a large yellow F on it, the other a G.**

"**Harry's is better than ours, though," said Fred, holding up Harry's sweater. "She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family." **

― **J.K. Rowling, **_**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**_

* * *

I still don't know how they got Ouran to be so pink. I mean, how much did that custom paint job cost? It's not even that pretty anymore. Since the cherry blossoms have already come to their fruition and have now stopped their short blooming season, the school is just ugly. I think all of this as I stand in front of the gates Monday morning. I got here early and I hoped that no one would come bother me but it seems the Host club had other ideas. This other idea comes in the form of Tamaki running towards me at top speed.

"Susan-chan!" he screams as he waves.

The orange haired twins are behind him and I just stand still. Over the night and this morning, I began to remember Saturday night; of course it was only before the air of outside hit me when I went to see Ritsu, but I remembered nonetheless. Right now though, I freeze like a deer in headlights and stare into Tamaki's blue eyes. He got to me and now stands so close that our noses almost touch. I close my eyes and my hand makes the normal fist. When I open them, I take a swing only for the twins to pull him back.

"Too close," I grunt as my heart starts to beat. My palms sweat and I start to breathe in heavy gasps. Damn my anxiety and these weirdoes. Time to start walking.

"You can never have..."

"Anyone in your face."

The twins say as they are shoulder to shoulder with me. I roll my eyes as I wring my hands. Tamaki is suddenly in front of me and walking backwards as we get to the steps. His face has a smile so large it would rival the sun. It only makes me nervous. How can they still want to be my friends? They're such weird people.

"So I was wondering if you wanted to go on a trip this weekend," he asks me as we go through the doors of the school.

"Where?" I ask foolishly. The boy starts to jump up and down with excitement. "I didn't agree yet."

"Awwww," the twins chime in and I could only imagine that they had the time of their lives on Saturday. I mean on Wednesday they were chasing me into bathrooms and now they want me to go with them on road trips.

"But you have to come! We're going to the beach since we get Friday off," he exclaims and I sigh.

The beach? Why would I want to go to the beach? I can't wear a swimsuit because of my scars and I was planning on going out with Ritsu this weekend. That or we would go to the orphanage. This is going to either totally suck or it might not be so bad. I haven't seen the ocean in a long time. Plus it might be nice to get out of the house. The twins have been driving me bonkers with the merger. As it was, this morning they wanted me to visit Sendai. Hence the being here so early; I got up at the crack of dawn.

"You're taking a long time," Hikaru teases.

"What else were you going to do?" Kaoru adds.

"Well," I stutter but the twins go on.

"Were you going to go back to the club?" Hikaru asks with a sly grin.

"You seemed to be having a lot of fun with someone," Kaoru teases.

"Who was that boy at the club?" Tamaki lets out and we all stop.

They all have the same goofy grins and mischievous eyes meaning they talked about me and Ritsu over the weekend. I sigh again and my heart speeds up. I shake my head three times but it's accompanied by a small smile. The boys smile even wider and I take a step forward. They block my path and I'm sad I didn't bring my board to escape them.

"He's a friend," I tell them and they look at each other and nod doubtfully. We start walking once again.

"You don't even call us friends and you're going to say the boy who gave us the evil eye was only a friend," Tamaki announces and I chuckle.

"You guys **are** my friends," I argue, continuing my path to class. They stop after that and when I realize that they're in shock, I stop.

"What?" they all chant in disbelief as I stare down the hall.

I turn around and my hands are so sweaty. I wipe them on my skirt. The boys have open mouth gapes and it's scaring me. They aren't so bad. Yah, they give me hell but they're always there for me. They worry about me and that's evident from what Fu told me when I asked him how he found them Saturday. They came that night to take me out. They care about me and I realize they don't mean any harm. They're just boorish and annoying and slightly stupid.

"You guys are my friends," I repeat and they close their mouths to look at me.

"What have you done with Susan?" Tamaki whispers.

But the voice is so doubtful that I realize they don't believe. They seriously don't believe me. I feel slightly hurt that they don't think I would call them friends. But then again, I did yell at them for the Renge situation. I would have thought if they were asking me to go with them to the beach, they would at least consider me their friend. Oh my god, what if they meant like a bodyguard.

"I'm sorry," I squeak.

They totally meant as a bodyguard. They didn't actually want to have fun with me. My heart sinks but at the same time contracts painfully. I can feel my lip tremble and I realize that this whole situation makes me entirely too sad. But this is what they want.

"I'm just kidding Susan," Tamaki says quickly. I nod a couple of times and the boys now have confused faces.

"Of course I'll be your guy's bodyguard for the trip. I just misunderstood for a second," I wave them off, trying to keep a smile on my face. They aren't really my friends. They're just people who need my skills and my body. God, how could I believe I could have friends? What convoluted dream was I in?

"That's not what we meant," Tamaki argues and I see his face change again. This time it's strong and my hands wipe on my skirt again. Then they go to my hair and brush through with my fingers. My hands tremble and Tamaki looks at me angrily. I'm so sorry I misunderstood. They don't actually want to know me, they just don't want to die.

"It's okay if you needed me to guard you. I don't want to see you guys hurt and I took the job as your bodyguard so it's supposed to be this way," I trail off sadly. Tamaki is suddenly in my face and I stand extremely still.

"I didn't mean it like that!" He yells and my neck is stiff. I can't even get out a nod. "I want to be your friend. I just didn't think you saw us as friends."

"Why wouldn't I think you're my friend?" I breathe out before I could help it.

"Because we always make you nervous and something normally goes wrong. You were mad at us on Saturday and I didn't think you want hookers as friends," he whispers brokenly.

I smile at him and shake my head. The boy has crocodile tears in his eyes and they run down his face. My hands shake but I use the sleeve of my cardigan to try and dry his face. He's way too emotional sometimes. My heart pounds but I can surprisingly take in oxygen. Tamaki cries harder as I wipe more furiously.

"Stop crying you big baby," I chide and the boy sucks through his nose disgustingly. "You're my friend. Yah shit always happens with you guys but I got to thinking."

"Uhuh," he garbles and I finally get the water works to stop. My body feels stiff but I'm strangely calm.

"These hookers don't come from my world, I thought. You guys come from the land of oz, all big and colorful and I come from a black and white Kansas. You following me?" I ask as he straightens and sucks in again.

"Yah," he nods and the twins are listening intently. When I look at them they nod also.

"Well," I start off and then give a small smile. "Anyone who is stupid enough to walk into a den of vipers for the king cobra they have as a pet, is truly a friend."

They're quiet for a moment and then the twins have crocodile tears. Why the hell are they so animated today? The three of them are soon in my personal space. My hand goes to my thigh and I finger the weapon for comfort. But I don't need it necessarily because they embrace me in a group hug. For a moment I allow them to pull me close and relish in the contact. The boys don't let go and I start to feel slightly claustrophobic. They release me the moment I push against them and smile large smiles.

"You're our friend!" the twins exclaim. What happened at the club that they lost all their fear?

"Guys, why aren't you scared of me anymore?" I ask them and they still. I try to smile reassuringly but my social limit is starting to be approached.

"When we were at the club, after you told us that you saw your gang members as people," Kaoru starts softly.

"We didn't believe you," Hikaru adds bluntly. I wait for them to pick up where they left off and smile at them softly.

"We were dancing and some guy came up to us," Kaoru starts off.

"He was a sleaze bag, tried to grab my ass too," Hikaru spits out.

"But the minute we told him to stop and he tried it again," Kaoru goes on.

"Everyone around us went after the guy. They were saying how no one should be touched like that," Hikaru says softly.

"They said how their boss made sure they were good people," Kaoru says with a smile.

"And they beat the shit out of the guy. Since he wasn't in your gang, they kicked him out and said he could never come back," Hikaru says proudly.

I stand there and nod with their story. They finally believe me when I say that not all people in gangs are bad. Their eyes shine brighter than the sun and my chest clenches. They finally can see a little bit of the black and white side of the world. They aren't scared of me anymore because they can see that all of us are trying to do the right things.

"Well I'm glad you guys are safe. I try to make sure my men keep their hands to themselves and help those in trouble."

"You aren't that bad at your job then," they chant and shrug. I giggle slightly and find myself having more fun with them than I've ever had. There is a content silence and I just feel happy.

"I think that this weekend changed you Susan," Tamaki says suddenly. I look at him and raise a single brow.

"What do you mean?"

"You just seem," he pauses and smiles a genuine smile at me, "really happy."

I shrug my shoulders, trying to think about what could change me so much. I told them that they didn't have to be afraid of me. Then I went with Kan and Ritsu and I took children to the park. I told Ritsu some of my life story and he held my hand as we got ice cream. Then we got all the kids home and we parted ways, knowing we would see each other today. Maybe it's because I went out and did fun things this weekend. I have to think about this more.

The bell rings and all of us have wide eyes. Shit, we're late.

* * *

The day is over and I've been looking forward to Music class since lunch. But since lunch, which I ate alone to my pleasure, I've had eyes boring into the back of my head. It was only a little disconcerting. My body tenses as I feel a presence behind me and I stiffen in the empty classroom. I don't remember what happened with him at the club. I could have been a total slut and led two guys on. Kyoya would have let me kiss him. I really hope I was with Ritsu the entire night.

"Are you going to get up?" a voice chuckles.

It sounds like water running over smooth rocks and it makes me shiver. I rub the back of my neck and nod several times. My heart beats loudly in my ears and my mouth clenches shut. Giving a sound of embarrassment and assurance, my legs come under me. I stand up shakier than a newborn deer and avoid eye contact with the boy behind me. The boy makes a noise of dislike and comes in front of me, forcing me to at least look at his chest.

"Um, hey?" I breathe out and turn to grab my stuff.

The boy's hands go out and grabs my books. I huff slightly but my sweaty hands increase my anxiety. He's going to make me look at him. Reaching out for my books in hopes that he'll be kind, he shatters my last bit of calm when he puts them above his head. He's being ridiculous. That or I'm the one being ridiculous with not looking at him in the face.

"Come on," he coos evilly and I sigh as I put a chunk of hair behind my ear. Trying to step away, he only blocks my path again. Maybe I can just shoot him.

"You come on," I growl softly and the boy chuckles.

Somehow the action is filled with warmth and I get the courage to take my chances seeing him. But I think he might be a gorgon because when I raise my head, his face makes me turn still as stone. His eyes are slightly bloodshot like he didn't get enough sleep and his lips have a smile. The smile is different though, tired, pleading, hopeful. What the hell did I do?

"Now was that so hard?" Kyoya asks as he tilts his head. The action makes him appear somewhat softer and I finally find the words to describe his appearance. He looks shattered. I blush heavily with his piercing eyes, making a desperate attempt to grab my books. He merely raises them higher and I frown through a red face.

"Kyoya please," I whisper and the boy flinches.

I don't know what I did to make his smirk turn into a scowl but he gives me an icy glare. His hands come down swiftly and he pushes the books into my shaking hands. I expect him to storm out of the room and complete his tantrum but he just stands there staring at me. I bite my piercing and try to see what's going through his mind. For once my analysis comes up incomplete and the guarded frown prevents me from reading him.

"Did you have fun with that boy?" he spits out a moment later.

The glare intensifies and the cold mask cracks a bit, revealing a green monster underneath. Why is he jealous? I've probably led him on. But that doesn't make the fact that he could have asked me out before disappear from my mind. Besides, I shouldn't trust him; his eyes still hold secrets in his soul. I feel bad and give him a sad frown while he just stares harder at me. With shaking limbs, my books are placed back on the desk.

"Kyoya, you should move on," I urge bluntly. My hands wring upon themselves and the boy takes a step forward. He's soon looking down from right above me. I feel like my heart is going to have a heart attack.

"What should I move on from?" he asks in monotone. My lip trembles with my space being invaded. I want to look down but I feel so trapped right now.

"Please just let me go," I plead and he doesn't move any facial muscles. He just keeps a cold lifeless mask. I can't read him when he's like this. Why is he doing this?

"What if I don't want to?" He says but the voice is soft.

I look up at him and stare into his black eyes. Why is he so tired? What is wrong with him? My heart clenches abnormally when I think that I caused him to look this way. I'm a terrible person. He probably thought, well, I don't think I want to finish that idea. Because that means that I will have to face my own emotions about him and I know I might tear myself apart.

"Kyoya, you can't do this to yourself," I murmur and the boy's eyes close for a moment.

He's silent but then a hand is in my hair. The cold fingers run along my scalp and I shiver with delight. Goddammit. I shouldn't feel like this. I can't fall for him. I still can't trust him completely and that scares me too much to love him. But I can't force my body to move away. Kyoya's hands go to my face and he cups both of my cheeks in his palms. He opens his eyes and the feeling he gives me runs all along my body.

"I want you," he confesses and the voice is void of emotion. The words hold far too much meaning to me. Something is wrong. With those words everything turns upside quickly.

His smolder makes me blush and my toes curl in anticipation but I don't want this suddenly; my stomach becomes sick and my body cold. Just when I think that this could be a moment I will push him away, my eyes close. His hands hold my face and I know my body is reacting, but it doesn't feel, I, something is missing. I can't move my body. This feeling of freezing hasn't been felt since I was, since, back then. His hands are too cold and his eyes were too dark. My heart is beating but my hands sweat too much and there is some part of me that is scared. I still can't trust him. This felt so right a little while ago but I'm scared of this feeling. I'm scared of him.

My body is petrified. I can't escape. I don't have a choice. This is scaring me. But my body feels almost fluttery and aching. It feels good but it doesn't feel the way I would want it. I don't know what I want but I know it's not this feeling. It's only Kyoya so he won't hurt me. But his words were so empty like back then. They used to say that to me all the time. This isn't what I want. Move. Make my body move.

A hot breath trails from my forehead to my nose. Kyoya is going to kiss me. My brain and my body feels cornered. Memories come up of hands and the feeling of hot alcohol breaths on my back. My lip trembles and the breath is on my chapped lips. The hands squeeze my cheeks and my eyes open to see black orbs. Water distorts the boy in front of me and I know the memories were too harsh. The memories engulf my entire being and I shatter.

I'm scared.

"Susan," Kyoya whispers and then the hands leave me. "Susan, what's wrong?"

I shake my head and he steps back. Hands are everywhere. I feel so dirty. Kyoya leans down and looks into my face. His eyes are filled with fear and I shake my head. His hands go out to me and I flail while pushing them away. My arms wrap around me and I feel so dirty. Kyoya triggered memories and it's not necessarily his fault but I don't want to be touched. Although now the memories are flooding into reality.

"I'm," I stutter and the tears are warm on my cheeks. I have to stop crying.

"Susan, what's wrong? What did I do?" comes Kyoya's worried voice.

I shake my head and look at the floor. It's not his fault but I feel so guilty for acting like this. I have to stop this. I cry too much. My memories are hurting the people around me. The boy stands still as stone and I rub my arms. I have to stop and leave. My legs move shakily and I swear there's a full feeling in my stomach and liquid is running down my legs. I take my arms off of my body and shove all my stuff into my bag. Kyoya's hands go out to help me and I freak.

"Don't touch me," I scream and bat his hands away. My head is spinning and my chest rises and falls as I hold in my cries.

"Susan. I'm sorry," Kyoya rushes and I zip up my bag. I shake my head and avoid his gaze.

"It's me. I'm damaged goods. Move on and please don't touch me," I whisper shakily.

I step a few times and can see Kyoya reach out for me. I grab the arm and twist it behind his back. He's soon thrown on a desk face first as I pull the twisted appendage. Kyoya hisses in pain and I breathe heavy. Tears fall onto the desk and I can't help but feel this whole situation is so dramatic. I shouldn't feel like this. He doesn't deserve any of this. My hands slip off of the boy but he doesn't get up.

"I'm sorry," he says as he doesn't move. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve over and over. He deserves better. Everyone deserves more than me.

"You don't want me. Rich boys shouldn't want me. They want the idea of me. They want danger for a short while but I'm not the girl who they take home to momma. They just want me for a buck," I rant quietly.

That's all the men wanted from me. They just wanted me for the hour and that's all they could afford. That's all that they could give for me. I was only a number—a price tag. Memories from those days come up from three things: nightmares, situations and recalling. I told Ritsu my past and it opened a can of worms that was jarred open by this situation. Now when I will try to sleep, I'm going to scream.

"Susan," the boy calls out but I'm already out of the room and running down the hall.

This is terrible. I have to calm down. If something else happens I'm going to have a panic attack. Running, I don't even know where I'm going exactly. All I know is that I need to be alone. I breathe in deeply as my muscles work to run faster. Soon enough I see a red ribbon on a golden knob. My subconscious led me to the safest place I could have been at. I crash into the wall and can't fling the door open fast enough. The darkness welcomes me and I shut the door quickly.

I bite my lip as I rub my eyes with my cardigan. I have to stop crying. They were just memories. I'm safe and nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. I am not dirty and my back does not feel wet. It's all in my head. It's all in my stupid head. My hands go to forehead but the images of men don't go away. I hit my temples with fisted hands a few times but they don't leave. This is just a different kind of panic attack. It will pass.

My legs shake as I drop my bag. Going under the large teacher's desk, I curl into a ball. I am safe. There is nothing wrong anymore. I don't feel dirty. There is no liquid on me. There is no blood or saliva or any other things on me. I'm fine and Kyoya wasn't going to do anything to me. He just wanted to kiss. He wasn't going to hurt me. Don't think of those words.

But my brain doesn't listen and all that circles my mind are things I'm trying to expel. Men's faces and dirty teeth pop up between a feeling of being trapped. Then I just feel like my skin could crawl off and I would feel cleaner. There is no reason I should be remembering these things. All there was were words and a boy that I think likes me. I shouldn't react like this. I don't want to remember. But for a long time I do remember, praying they would cease.

"Hello?" a voice calls but I merely stay quiet. My hands hit my head in an attempt to push everything out. I'm going insane. "Susan-senpai?"

Oh no. I think I know that voice. Where did it come from? No one should know about this hiding spot except for Ritsu. But the voice is oddly feminine. Who did I tell that I had a secret room. Who would I bring here? Oh god. Haruhi wanted to study and I told her that I would lead her here. The first time I found this room was after I ran away from her. She must have followed me one time.

"Susan-senpai?" the voice asks from right next to me and I hold my breath. The girl finds me though and she takes in my appearance with scared eyes. "Are you okay? Kyoya-senpai said you ran off."

"Haruhi," I say into my legs and feel my lip tremble. The girl sits and waits for me to turn to her. "He tried to kiss me."

"What?" she gasps and I look at her in the boy's uniform. Her brown eyes turn wide and she watches me carefully.

"I just, freaked out. I don't know what happened but I got scared and I, I'm remembering terrible things," I say slowly, like the feelings invading my brain would go away if I admitted the emotions were there.

"You got scared?" she asks carefully and I nod. I shift my curled position to face towards her and rock slightly. "Can I touch you?"

I look at her and she seems worried. Memories of hands and bruises come up and I nearly scream at her. But the fact still remains that I can't make the memories go away and I have to go back to normal. I can't remember these things. So I hesitantly nod and the girl sighs. She positions herself in front of me and then hugs me. Except the hug is more like she is laying on my back. For a moment I want to freak out but the weight of her body is pushing into my legs.

"Haruhi?"

"Kneel and I am going to put pressure on you. I read this could help with panic attacks," she instructs as she pulls me out from my cramped hiding spot.

I shuffle a few feet away and shiver with the memories again. I have to stop thinking. Haruhi puts my head down as I kneel and then comes from behind me and drapes herself on top. My head is to the floor and the pressure of her on my back makes my stomach fall into my legs. At first I think this will make me more nervous but the weight of her body eases me.

My body starts to only focus on the weight of her and the feeling of liquid goes away. As I breathe in my own scent, my skirt giving my nose the feeling of home, I feel safer. The weight makes me focus on her breathing and not the memories invading my mind. And after a couple of minutes of silent kneeling, I begin to feel like myself. My breathing steadies and I wiggle underneath the lighter girl. She gets the cue and gets up, kneeling next to me.

"Thank you," I tell her, avoiding her eyes. The girl doesn't make a noise and I think I did something wrong. When I finally look up, I find her giving me a worried smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offers and I shake my head rapidly. She nods once and then stands up. "Come on. We have to get to club."

"Yah," I reply softly and take her hand. She pulls me up and rubs my arm reassuringly. "I hope I'm not too late for the kids. Do I look bad?"

"Not really," she says bluntly.

I look at her and I can tell she doesn't feel good about not knowing everything. She doesn't like to see me like this. So for the first time, I grab her arm and pull her small body in for a hug. She makes me feel safe. The girl puts her arms around me and squeezes hard.

"I'm sorry for worrying you. Thank you for everything," I murmur and she nods.

"You can trust me, I'm your friend. And I promise that I will never judge you for anything," she reassures and I nod this time.

This girl isn't so bad. She really means well. Kyoya I think means well too but he doesn't take my anxiety into consideration. I think he's one of those people who doesn't really have any anxiety and would probably tell me to get over it. He forces me to do things when I am definitely not up for it. He doesn't mean anything bad by it but he just, doesn't get it.

"I need to go,"I tell her while we step away from one another. She smiles brightly and I blush lightly with her happiness. Then I realize that she's probably going to go this weekend to the beach. "Are you going on the trip?"

"What trip?" she asks and I shrug.

"I guess you'll find out. If Tamaki brings it up tell him that I would rather leave Friday morning than Thursday night," I comment nonchalantly. My heart is slow to beat and I breathe in deeply.

"Alright senpai," she says, confusion of what I'm talking about filling her mind.

I nod to her and walk on my legs to my bag. The bottom half of me feels like it could crumble any moment. But I hide this fact from the girl with me. I can't worry her anymore. We exit the classroom together and then turn separate ways in the hall. I wave to her and she waves back. The moment is so ordinary but I feel like it's so different. I finally see her as my equal and not someone who I have to protect all the time. She's someone who helps me and I help her. She's my friend.

The moment passes and I continue on my way. My heart is hot but at the same time I feel happy. The memories become a dull ache but I'm used to the lingering pain. I'm going to have to face Kyoya eventually. That or this weekend trip is going to kill me. I feel bad only for the reason that I made him feel like he really hurt me. I am broken and as much as I wish that he would be less pushy, he scared me then. He still is forcing me and still makes me suspicious, but I don't feel like before. Something has really changed.

But I still feel a bit like before. I mean, my body still reacts and if he hadn't scared me so bad, I don't know what I would have done. But are those two things mutually exclusive? Can I take him even if he makes me scared? Is it totally wrong that I have feelings when I know it's dangerous? I mean the way I feel with him is both terrible and wonderfully new. Then there are moments where he scares me or that he's secretive or that he just pries into my past and worse yet, he forces me open. He isn't bad, just, not what I need.

I get lost in how I feel, emotions which I have never had to deal with, confusing me. I don't want to feel these things anymore. These emotions are making me too vulnerable. The memories are going to haunt me for days and I'm not going to sleep well. These emotions and that boy makes me scared. I don't like it; I don't like him. I resolve myself to not lead him on and go stop feeling butterflies when he gives me gazes.

Finally I'm at the classroom and when I enter, I find the kids are already in their groups. I smile and cover up my recent emotions with a mask of composure. Ritsu and Kan look at me but I can tell that they don't really buy my smile. The kids all wave at me and I give waves back. When I'm in front of my other teacher and my small orphan, they give me slight frowns. Kan has his hair over his eyes as he brushes his bangs down in nervousness and Ritsu comes in front of me.

"What happened?" he asks and I can't believe he knows something is wrong. I open my mouth to tell him that nothing happened but he glares lightly. "Don't try to fool me."

"God," I groan and feel my heart beat hard. I sigh and shake my head. "I'll tell you later."

"Uhuh," he replies sassily and then rolls his eyes.

Even though I experience trauma moments before, my heart feels warm. I snort at his expression of worry that is somehow adorned with a shit eating grin. A genuine smile comes to my face and the redhead looks at me with a relieved sigh. He gives me a small smile and just stares dumbly at me. I blush to my ears with his look but my hands are only slightly sweaty and my heart doesn't feel too anxious.

"What?" I ask with a confused look.

He looks down and blushes. I raise my eyebrow and wait for him to say something. But he doesn't say anything as he picks up his flute and looks at our student. Kan is merely looking at us eagerly. I go to him and put my hand in his black hair. I muss it up and he flails at me.

"Sensei," Kan whines and I release him with a large smile.

"Let's practice."

I go to sit at my piano, Ritsu handing me the sheet music for us. I smile at him and then we begin the rehearsal. There is only notes and corrections for twenty minutes. My hands weren't terrible but after while, they began to hurt. Ritsu noticed ten minutes later that they would tremble and he gave me the look. It was the look that says I can't do something and if I keep doing it, he's going to make me stop. Kan also has taken on the same look, so I'm out numbered.

The class was coming to a stop and I watch all the other groups. They all have pieces and all sound practically ready. I could make them perform on Wednesday. Just when I'm about to stand up and announce that, Hina is tugging my sleeve. I jump with the child interrupting my thoughts. She smiles at me and I nod.

"Susan-sensei," she starts. I nod at her and she frowns at me. "I was wondering if we could have the performances this Wednesday. I'm moving on Thursday."

"Oh. You're moving like schools or houses or countries?" I whisper to her and she bites her lip. This is hard on her.

"Countries," she replies and I feel my eyes widen.

"Well then we most certainly can have you perform next class. Shiro is your partner right?" I ask. She nods and I can see that she doesn't want to cry. I put my hand on her shoulder to reassure her and she smiles. "Then it's settled. You have been a wonderful student Hina, and I will miss you."

"I'll miss you too," she mutters and turns away. I push her to go back to her seat and she walks away. Ritsu is soon at the spot she occupied and looks down on me as I sit on the bench.

"Performances on Wednesday?" he asks and I smile and turn to the class.

"Everyone if I could have your attention," I say loudly and stand. Ritsu is next to me and his body lingers closely. I smile as the kids all stare at me. "We're going to have performances on Wednesday and if we can't get through them all, the remaining groups will go next Monday. If you need more time, just tell us, but from what I've observed, you all sound fantastic."

"Practice is over. Please be on time on Wednesday," Ritsu says next to me and I'm surprised he said anything to them.

But when I glance at him I can see his hand is lingering near my back and he lays it gently on my cardigan's sleeve. He really can't do it with crowds. He got better with the orphans but he still gets nervous with the class. The boy looks down at me and his clenched jaw softens when I give him a smile. With a sigh, he breathes in deeply. The boy could never do this without me. He needs me.

"We'll see you next class," I say as I turn away from the boy. The kids are giving us shining faces. The girls look at us like we're a fairytale and the boys are giving Ritsu proud grins.

"Thank you," they chant happily. Ritsu's hand travels to my wrist and we watch the children exit the room. The only one who stays is our orphan who is too happy.

"Can we go on Monday?" he asks and I can see his eyes holding something back.

"You play it perfectly so we can go Wednesday," Ritsu replies quickly. His hand has yet to leave my arm and I realize he wants to see my hands. But he doesn't want to hold them when Kan is watching.

"Yah, but," the child mumbles and then looks down. His bangs hide him from us and I try to wonder if he's nervous about playing in front of people. But his feet shift like he wants to say something else.

"Is it playing in front of people?" I ask and monitor his emotions. He still shifts and shakes his head: an honest answer. I glance at Ritsu and he gives a confused frown. I purse my lips and wait for Kan. But he doesn't seem like he'll tell us unless we guess.

"What is it Kan?" Ritsu asks gruffly and I lean towards him.

Kan shifts even more and I can discern a sniffle or two. Why would he be this sad? Is it because he doesn't want to play in front of people? He asked to play on Monday, not just that he didn't want to play. So he must want to play, but why Monday? Does he not feel prepared enough? If he didn't feel prepared enough he would want to practice this weekend. So we, oh, we would go to the orphanage and have another outing with the children after we practiced.

"You want us to visit you at the orphanage. You had fun and want to do it again, don't you?" I ask slowly and the young boy stiffens. I read him correctly.

"If you want us to come over, you just have to ask," Ritsu says bluntly.

Kan raises his head quickly. He didn't expect us to want to visit him without a good reason. The young boy has scared eyes and trembles with fear. I smile reassuringly at him and then put my arm out. The boy looks up at us and runs to my arm. I catch the boy and he hugs me tightly. Ritsu's arm finally goes around my waist and I smooth the ebony hair of our orphan.

"We will visit you even if we don't have to. I think everyone had fun so I wouldn't mind doing it again. We aren't going to leave you Kan," I reassure and Ritsu's free arm goes to the boy's back. He rubs it a little haphazardly but the young boy is reassured. He hugs me tighter than before and I raise his head to look at me.

"We won't leave you," Ritsu whispers. "We're right here."

"Okay," the boy sniffles with tears in his eyes. I smile at him and adjust his foggy glasses.

"You just have to ask. I promise that we'll be right here," I assure and the boy nods again.

"We are right here," Ritsu murmurs as his fingers squeeze into my skin. He doesn't like seeing the boy so distraught. We're going to have to see them this weekend. But I am going to go on the trip. We'll take them out on Thursday. I can't leave the orphans. I would feel too guilty.

"Can we get ice cream this weekend?" Kan asks and I stiffen. Crap.

"Uhh," Ritsu looks at me and I know my face is guilty. Through a miracle, Ritsu understands and covers my slight hesitance. "We can get together this week."

"How about Thursday after school?" I offer and the young boy nods his head.

"I pick up the others at their school," he says quietly.

"Well tell," I stumble realizing I never learned the old woman's name. "Tell your caretaker that we'll pick them up with you. She can call me."

I quickly detach myself from the two boys. Getting a paper, I write my number down. Kan and Ritsu have come to my side and I hand the young boy my number. He has wiped his eyes dry but looks at me with wet cheeks. I take my cardigan sleeve which has seen multiple tears this day, and wipe his cheeks gently. The boy starts to give me a smile and Ritsu looks at me with that weird smile of his which screams love. I brush the boy's bangs away and hold his face in my hands.

"If you ever need us," Ritsu says for me, "we'll be right there."

"We promise," I murmur as I hug him to me.

The boy hugs me back. The moment is over and soon enough, Kan is back to normal. He waves as he leaves the room. Ritsu and I are silent and merely stand close to one another. My arms cross over themselves and I breathe in deeply. I'm tired. Everything that has happened today has really drained me.

"So what happened?" Ritsu breaks the silence and I sigh. My legs hurt and I force myself to sit on the piano bench. Ritsu follows me and places himself on the bench next to me. I lean into him as fatigue overtakes me.

"I had an attack," I breathe out. Ritsu puts his arm around me. His hand holds my shoulder tightly and I can feel his fingers want to go into my hair. They stay away from the dark strands and merely trace patterns over my sweater.

"They drain you," he states softly. I nod once and think about what I have to do when I get home. I think the twins need me to check some guy's skills. "What caused it?"

I try to not stiffen next to the redhead but fail miserably. Ritsu stiffens with me and I lean further into him. I can't tell him about Kyoya. I can't tell Kyoya about him either. I already told Kyoya to let go of me, so I've chosen Ritsu. He was the one that wanted me first. He doesn't scare me. He'll scare everyone else in this stupid universe but he doesn't scare me. I feel safe with him. He protects me from the worst of the world and for once, I am allowing someone to take care of me.

"I just, words triggered memories and then it was just too terrifying," I whisper.

"Who said the words?" Ritsu presses on and I shake my head.

"Please," I beg under short breaths. "I don't want to think about it anymore."

Ritsu pulls me into him and my eyelids feel heavy. The boy takes his other hand as he leans into my face. The callous fingers touch my skin and he pushes my hair back. His head leans closer and he softly kisses my temple. I blush brightly and feel a rush of adrenaline. He can do so many things to me that others could never think about. He can hold me and is so tender with me. I feel so safe.

"Thursday we can go get ice cream with the kids. Then maybe we can go watch a movie," he offers as he holds me close. I smile and my heart rushes while my stomach is filled with butterflies.

"Like a date?" I tease, a blush on my face.

"Yes," he laughs.

"Alright but you get to pick the movie," I tell him, my voice gaining life.

"Why me?" Ritsu whines and I shake my head at him.

"Because I want to see if you have as terrible taste in movies as I think," I say matter of factly.

"You have such little faith in me?"

"Quite the opposite. I trust you terribly so," I tell him truthfully.

Taking a glance at him, he has a smile while staring at me. The look he gives me is filled with love and I do trust him. This boy is perfect. He's too perfect. I have to tell Kyoya that he has to stop with me. I may feel something with him, but I also feel scared with him. There are two boys and I am making my choice. I chose the one holding me now.

And for once in my life, I feel happy in the arms of someone. I feel so much happier.

* * *

**Hey everybody! Chapter yay! Thank you to everyone who has made it this far. I have to stop with this nice relationship shit. Therefore Ritsu is going to fuck up royally on their date. Like the type of moment where they say insert foot in mouth. That will be him. Also i feel bad for Kyoya but not so bad. God I'm a terrible person. **

**Loves yous guys. (As Always follow fave review obsess)**


	24. Heartbreak and Love for Eternity

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Heartbreak and Love for Eternity**

* * *

"**Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't." **  
**― ****Stephen King****, **_**Hearts in Atlantis**_

"**Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." **  
**― ****Jodi Picoult**

"**How does someone know the difference between that and infatuation?"**  
**He sat up between her legs, then pulled her into his lap to cuddle. "I don't think there is a difference. I think infatuation is like a garden. If tended and cared for, it grows into love. If neglected or abused it dies. The only way to have eternal love is to never let your heart forget what it's like to live without it." **  
**― ****Sherrilyn Kenyon****, **_**Night Play**_

* * *

Tuesday I decided to try guarding the host club one more time. I mean, I have to tone down my protectiveness but not really let them know I'm still hella paranoid about things. In addition I have to face Kyoya and tell him he did nothing wrong. I felt extremely guilty for acting the way I did. It didn't hide the fact that I am still scared to get close to him because he is suspicious, but it didn't mean that I was fine with him being treated badly.

My actions weren't really unreasonable and nightmares afflicted my dreams, but I had yet to lose sleep or scream myself awake. Regardless, he didn't deserve that and I had to set things right. As much as it scares me to say, the boy is important to me and to the host club.

"Susan-chan are you coming with us today?" Honey asks as I turn down the hall and find him and his larger cousin. The boy starts a run to me and I'm glad I left my board at home so I can catch his flying body. He's light as always and I shift him to ride my back, holding my backpack in my hands.

"Yep," I announce, my gangster mode already over me. The boy laughs while I walk to Mori, the older boy looking at me in worry. I give him my backpack and address his concerns. "I don't have stitches anymore and he isn't too heavy."

Mori grunts and then turns around; his face softens with the reassurance. I rearrange his cousin on my back and grab his thin legs, girls' screams of excitement starting to be heard through the halls. Sally feels heavy on my thigh and serves as a reminder that I can't straighten anyone out today. A knife sits on the other thigh as a reminder that I could at least threaten them up close and with whispers.

"Susan-chan, why are you coming today?" Honey asks as we get closer to our destination. I look back and give him an unsure smile.

"I figure that I would hate myself if something happens to you guys and I wasn't there because I let my pride get the better of me," I tell him softly.

The boy swings his legs but when I glance at his face, an eerily mature expression crosses before he could change it. The boy is too smart to just act like a kid; he is always watching and taking everything in. I turn back around and know that the closer I get to the host club, the more vulnerable they are. But it's just like Kou had said when they first asked me to be their friends; they're rich and have great bodyguards, plus I am one of the best bodyguards in the country. With me, none of them would ever be hurt. I would die before that would happen.

"Susan-senpai?" a feminine voice asks a few feet down the hall. I inspect closer before I move any farther and find the small body to be Haruhi. She looks surprised that I am here and I smile reassuringly as she approaches.

"Hey," I say as we meet at the door to the club. She smiles at me and then looks at Honey on my back.

"Did you guys go get her?" she asks and I shake my head.

"No, I came of my own free will. I thought I could give guarding you another try. Even if I only do it once a week," I tell her. She nods in understanding and then a proud smile comes to her face.

"Well, you're coming with us this weekend, so I'm glad you're here," she says as she opens the door. The girl has a look on her face that transmits mischief. Honey giggles at my back and I don't think I know what just happened.

I let it go and we enter the room, filled with only a handful of people. Inspecting the room, I find my usual place at the piano to be the best vantage point. Gently placing the boy at my back to the floor, he and his cousin run off, taking my backpack with them. I sigh with their escape, knowing something is really up. They're planning something and I don't know what but I have to be ready.

Haruhi is the only one who remains with me and we go to our spots we had two weeks past. The windows are open and I watch the curtains flow with the breeze. It was starting to warm up and I really looked forward to the beach trip. I normally didn't go to the beach at home and I never wore bathing suits because of my back, so it was going to be a change. We have to leave on Friday because I have my date with the orphans and Ritsu. I can't really wrap my brain around the idea of going on a real date, so I just tack on the orphans in my mind for consolation.

"Haruhi," I whisper as I raise myself to sit on the piano. The brown haired girl looks at me and raises one eyebrow. "Did you tell anyone about yesterday?"

The girl shakes her head but when she looks away quickly, I know she's lying. She probably told Kyoya. Where is he? My eyes scan the music room and I find him across the way. When I find myself inspecting him to see if he's okay, our eyes meet and he looks away quickly. My chest contracts painfully with the realization that he does hate me. Haruhi must have told him and he's angry at me.

Girls start to flood into the room and I watch them go around to the boys. Tamaki makes his arrival and the girls flock to him. I merely shift my gaze and make sure that the girls are aware I'm here. I ready myself for Renge—she must be coming back. The club probably didn't kick her out just for me. I don't think they see me as that special. But as the time flows on, I don't see her anywhere in the room.

Homura makes her way to my side and for the rest of the fangirl's day, we watch the crowd. Every time I look to Kyoya, he avoids my eyes and looks to his customers with fake glee. I can see on his face that something isn't right and I know that I have to fix whatever he's thinking about. I don't want him to be like this on the trip. He's going to miserable with my presence if I don't resolve it and I won't be able to go with my friends to the beach.

"Susan?" Homura asks softly as the time for my guarding starts to wind down. I look to the shy girl at my side, her hands smoothing her long bangs over her face. I pet my own and run a hand through my hair, needing the reassurance of my gestures with being in gangster mode for so long.

"Yes Homura," I reply and the girl comes closer to my side and I swing my legs slowly while on the piano. She fidgets and then wrings her hands together. She's nervous and I'm not going to push her to hurry. For all I care, she could take years and I still wouldn't make her go faster if she was uncomfortable.

"Are you-"

The girl stops abruptly and I can see her bite her lip. With my face being higher than hers, I jump off the piano and land lightly in front of her smaller body. She gives me a doe-eyed look of shock and steps back but doesn't leave our conversation. I lean up against the piano and feel someone staring. My eyes travel to across the room to find inky orbs taking in my entire existence. My voice catches in my throat and the eyes release me just as fast as they captured me.

"Shit," I curse under my breath.

That boy—I can't do this—is nothing but trouble. I have to stay as far away from his as I can but I'm like a moth to a goddamn bugger. I'm only going to get shocked and this boy is going to kill me. I know it by his eyes and his whole looks. Those aren't looks like ones of trust or of even love. They're of desire to possess and lust. He wants me, but not for me. At least, that's what I'm telling myself at this moment in time.

"Are you okay?" Homura breaks me from my trance with a concerned voice. I look to the girl and sigh deeply, nodding. The girl chews her bottom lip with thinking about whatever dilemma she may have, but she finally resolves herself and surprisingly gives me a strong look. "Are you going to the beach with everyone?"

"Yah," I tell her happily. The girl nods slowly, her mind running a million miles an hour. "Are you?"

"Yes, but I'm staying with my family during the weekend," she tells me and then blushes slightly.

She looks out to the dwindling crowd and I follow her eyes. My heart grows hot with the person they lead to. Kyoya looks at both of us with a blank stare and a fake smile—a feat only accomplished by him. I scowl and then look to my timid companion. She comes for him. Why do I feel the sudden urge to make her cry? Why does she even come for the asshole of a boy who can't listen to a goddamn word you could ever say? Why am I even caring about this whole situation?

The girl turns back to me and I mask my face into a perfect friendly smile. The girl doesn't seem to notice the transparency of my actions and then nods goodbye, turning her back and walking away. My eyes burn holes in her body and I bite my lip. This shouldn't happen. Why do I care if Kyoya has customers that I know? Homura is a nice girl and she deserves to be happy; maybe not happy with him because he could never make her happy but that is beside the point. He can't even make himself happy, how does he expect to make another person happy?

I watch the room become emptier and I finger my knife for consolation. I have to let him do what he wants. These feelings have to disappear. He is suspicious as all hell and is an asshole and I'm scared of him and he can turn on me with the drop of a hat. It would be fine if Homura helped him get better. I can't save him. I'm too tired of saving everyone I meet. I want to be saved and Kyoya is only going to put me in harm's way, no matter if he thinks he's doing the right thing.

"Susan-chan!"

I turn on my heel to see Tamaki running towards me. I smile a soft smile at him as he stands before me. The boy looks into my face and he puts his hand to his chin. Something has been going on and the whole club is scheming. This is going to be a security risk if they try to pull something at the beach and I'm not aware of it. The blue eyes shine with excitement—of which emotion I am about to crush.

"What are you guys planning?" I ask dryly.

The boy's eyes widen and I feel the rest of the club come to our sides. Kyoya's eyes pierce into me and I glance at him. He makes a harsh look but I give it back, his body startling with the realization that this isn't the timid Susan. I give him a look that says he's in trouble while my brain goes back to Homura. I finger my gun to make my heart slow down and my throat release its angry closure.

"Why would you think we were planning something?" the twins ask in tandem. I give them a blank look and then roll my eyes. Thank god for gangster mode.

"We were wondering if you would like to drive up with us," Haruhi says softly and her face tries to convince me that this is the truth.

"Don't try to fool me. I'm not an idiot," I mutter sourly, my anger from Kyoya seeping through my façade.

"I'm not—"

"We were wondering if you would like to bring that boy from the club," Kyoya interrupts. His voice was harsh as nails and when I see his face, full of anger and malicious intent, I know this is the truth.

"He's busy," I reply bluntly and Kyoya only scowls deeper. I smirk with his look. I'm glad he's pissed. Now he knows how it feels to not be the only person interested in someone.

"So you've talked to him recently," Honey breaks our glares.

I look down at the small boy and shrug. The entire host club—minus sourpuss Kyoya—gives me sly looks. I ignore them and then move to get my bag. I can talk to Kyoya on Friday because he's just pissing me off right now. Why I'm so angry and annoyed, I'll have to ask Kou when I get home and do a full checkup on my crazy emotions.

"I'll see you guys on Friday. You can pick me up at the syndicate," I announce with a wave as I leave them staring at my back, backpack swinging to its place.

My body calms itself with each step and it feels as if my armor is falling off. My mind is exhausted having to keep up my bodyguard mindset for so long. I open the door, surprised no one tries to stop me and head down the hall. My life is too crazy and when I finally become half-civilian Susan—never really leaving my training behind and becoming a regular person—I realize I just told them I'm still seeing Ritsu.

Oh my god. What if they go and try to dig through my personal life? I mean, it's not really something I want to hide from them forever but Kyoya is just going to be an ass about it. As it was, he didn't seem pleased that I'm even communicating with Ritsu. It will go over like a lead balloon when they catch wind that I'm dating the boy. Ritsu can't really handle them. Well, he can actually handle people our age better than I can. It's just larger groups that rile up his anxiety. But the host club is a whole different ball of wax and can make anyone scared.

My heart pounds and I can feel my anger slip away. Why was I angry at Homura? It's not like Kyoya is with me or anything. He has the right to date whoever he wants to date just like how I have the right to date Ritsu. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't annoyed by her longing looks. Am I jealous? I can't be jealous. That means that I would have to think of Kyoya in a different way. But I don't. He's special in the respect that I do need to help him and he is my friend. He is only a friend. This is what I try to convince myself of as I go down the stairs; something that I can never truly make myself accept.

"Susan, wait," an icy voice barks out from the top of the stairs. I merely flinch with the command and wait for the approach. My mind is already too tired to go into gangster mode and my nerves are on edge. This isn't going to go well.

"What is it?" I say softly as the sound of feet comes down the carpeted stairs. Kyoya is suddenly in front of me and his inky eyes give nothing away. He's so unreadable now. He is concealing everything from me. Maybe this is all for the best—I can't get too attached to him.

"Who is he?" Kyoya hisses and the mask he so carefully constructed chips. He's jealous. Just like how I'm jealous of Homura. It's something neither of us should be because we will never belong to one another.

"Kyoya let it go. Move on," I say pitifully as I step away from him. His hand catches my wrist and my breath catches in my throat. My bag falls to the ground and the echo is heard throughout the school and rings through my body. I think it's time to abort this mission.

"Why do you keep saying that? Why don't I get a chance?"

"Chance for what?" I ask incredulously.

I turn to the boy and my hand sweats in his grasp. The look he's giving me pains my entire existence and swallows me up in despair. His black eyes look at me possessively and full of hopeless pleading. Everything about his body language screams pain and I pull my wrist back. My heart turns and contracts when he doesn't even put up a fight to hold me there. He's really in pain and I realize that he is going to give up on me. This is all too much on his mind and his heart. I can feel a fracture begin the destruction of my soul and I patch the crack with false courage.

"A chance to be with you," he says pathetically.

I bite my lip hard. I have destroyed men's minds in torture, cast them to hell when I put a bullet in their brain, broke their hope when I threatened those closest to them, but I have never see this kind of pain. And I'm causing it in Kyoya. I don't want him to feel this way. I want to make it stop but the only way I can do it is if I sacrifice what I have chosen. I have to give up the life that I had decided I wanted in order to give him his life. I've sacrificed my entire existence for others. There's nothing more I could give. My heart doesn't want to be given.

"You are too good for me. I'll just taint your reputation and this will all end badly Kyoya. I'm poison to people like you; I'm the forbidden fruit," I tell him softly, gathering more courage.

"I don't care about that anymore," he argues but his voice falters halfway through. He's scared of his own words.

"Listen to me Kyoya," I murmur, my eyes burning but my body holding the tears in. "You will be better without me. I know it doesn't seem like it and I am sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry that I am making you feel this way but I know that if I don't do this now, it's just going to destroy you later. I'm going to destroy you and I can't bear to see you like that."

"Stop protecting me Susan," he yells angrily, coming closer to me. He grabs my waist and shakes my body like a rag doll. I don't move for fear I will break down and save him. This is breaking me as much as him, but I know it's for the best. There are too many obstacles, too many hard choices, too many uncertainties, and there is not enough to hold us together.

"I will always protect you," I reply in a whisper.

The boy looks down and I grab his shoulder, pulling him into my body in our last hug. The boy doesn't move and I squeeze him into me for comfort and reassurance of my own actions. But his hands don't hold me and I can feel myself shatter into a million pieces. This has to happen. I have to do this.

"I lo—"

"Don't say it," I interrupt quickly. "You can't say that to me or to yourself anymore. I can't bear to hear that."

"If you are hurting yourself, then why don't you give us a chance? Just one chance, that's all I'm asking for," he pleads and I shake my head at him.

My mind is so broken that I am beginning to feel calm, though the feeling of being in his arms is beginning to terrify me. His arms suddenly grasp my cardigan and his hands are in my hair. He pulls me so close that it feels like we will make a whole part out of two broken people. But if that does happen, I'm sure that the new piece will just be in pain and never feel natural and whole. I lose myself for a moment and inhale deeply to keep myself from losing it. Kyoya smells of crisp rain and even the underlying scent of expensive cologne. It's too rich for me and I harden myself.

"Let me go Kyoya," I order and the boy releases me.

He pushes my body away from himself and then stares at me with harsh but innocent eyes. For once I let myself put real names to my emotions and I know that in some way I do love him. I love him but it's the type of love that will consume you and then leave you more broken than you were ever before. It's the type of love that you feel scared to lose so you never let go until the love finally terrifies you more than the break. This is the love that is flighty and is like cupid's arrow, a passing that in the moment you can't live without but can see the person to never be yours.

"If you do this Susan, we can't go back. Do you understand that?" Kyoya asks with hate in his voice but it's all for show. He is trying to convince himself to hate me, just like how I'm convincing myself that these feelings and emotions are all a ruse.

"I know that, that's why I'm going to tell you this Kyoya," I plead with him. "We will never be anything good. We will never be anything healthy. We—there can never be a we or an us."

"Susan," he whispers and my name sounds like a last prayer. I shake my head and with what strength I have left, I grab my bag and turn away from the boy.

My heart breaks into tiny pieces of what I have just done, of all the words I have just uttered. The love that we had for one another burns up with the resolve in my eyes before it could have ever been fully recognized. This love is not anything like love anymore. It's only heartbreak now.

* * *

Wednesday I had to admit I was out of it and Thursday is starting to be no better. The whole Kyoya situation had taken a toll on my mental state and I had to admit that it hurt me to tell him what I did. I pretended in class like nothing was wrong and the boy avoided me completely. I think Tamaki is trying to figure out just what happened but he hasn't come to me about it yet. So I did all of the things that I could to keep my mind off of Kyoya.

Of course, this meant me half-spacing out and wondering for the hundredth time if I had done the right thing. After a while, Ritsu caught on to my distress and wouldn't stop asking about it. I had told him over and over and over that I was fine, that nothing was wrong. I didn't want him to worry about this. It wasn't really working and I had the feeling he was going to make me tell him what happened.

This is precisely what I am trying to avoid in the first place. If he catches wind that Kyoya and I were an almost something, he's going to be pissed. I know that nothing happened between us, but boys always go into hyper mode and won't let it go. He would have to just let me forget about everything. I just had to erase these emotions from my mind and heart completely-no matter how painful that task might be.

"Susan," a voice calls from behind me and I turn slowly. My body feels sluggish and I haven't been able to make it go back to normal since Kyoya. Ritsu runs to me and I realize with a slow mind that today is our date and we have to go see the orphans. My hand goes to my hair as I realize that maybe I should just let Ritsu go too. He would be better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me.

"Hey," I say softly when the boy stands in front of me. He shifts his weight while he sways side to side with excitement. His face has a large smile and my heart aches with his happiness. I make him happy and if I just let go now, I'm going to fall apart completely because I love making him happy and seeing him smile.

"Kan wants us to meet him at the front," he tells me and then I nod softly. Ritsu gives a frown and I breathe in deeply. "You know you can't lie to me."

"I know, but it really is nothing," I tell him for the millionth time this week.

The boy gives me a look that says we are going to talk about this and I just shake my head, leading the way to the front of the school. Ritsu is quiet behind me and I resign myself to the fact that if I am going to be this way, it isn't fair for him to be with me. Pushing all other thoughts from my head, I turn back and can see his deep scowl, stopping and turning to face him.

"Are you going to tell me?" Ritsu huffs and I shake my head.

"No I am not. I am going to hold your hand when we get away from this godforsaken place and we're going to have a nice night and have fun. Why? Because you deserve that much from me and that is the least I can give to you right now," I reply as I see him blush slightly with my words.

I am going to make him happy and for that I will move aside my emotions and make sure that his are good ones. My body turns back around and we start our exit of the school. When we are greeted by sunlight, I can see our small student at the wrought-iron gates. Ritsu walks faster and is soon looking back at me with an exasperated expression.

He really is making this hard for me. I give him a reassuring smile and he finally sighs, the worry leaving his body. Kan runs the short distance to us and I am glad that Kou took my backpack for me earlier when he came to guard the host club. The small boy's bangs hide his face and he hugs my body tightly. I hold him for a moment and realize that he was really scared we wouldn't show up. We had performed yesterday and if we were any other teachers, we might have left him to his own devices. But we are more than that to him and the boy is more to us than just a student.

"So where are the others?" Ritsu voices when the boy lets me go. Kan looks to the gates and then races through them.

"Follow me," he yells as he joyfully races away.

I look at Ritsu and he gives me a sigh. Smiling widely at him, I grab his arm and pull him to follow the child. Kan yells at us to hurry up and we break out in a run. Kan squeals with our close impact and Ritsu takes my hand from his arm, replacing my grasp with his own hand. The boy smiles softly at me and he's finally getting happy.

I laugh at his face and then let go to run faster than him. I turn around and stick my tongue at him. He sticks his tongue back out in protest and soon enough Ritsu is chasing me himself, Kan trying to keep up with our fast pace. I hide behind Kan as we get to an intersection and my mood is starting to change. My heart is pounding and my blood feels warm when I look at Ritsu and he pushes my arm softly in jest. This feels better; it feels right.

Kan has us go to a school that is large and in a nice neighborhood. There are kids everywhere and when the younger and smaller children gaze at us, we both intimidate them. Ritsu scares them just because he is nervous and his go to face is one of a serious nature, while I scare them because I give slight glares at parents giving my companion deadly looks. My hands are sweaty and I wipe them on my skirt.

"Kan," I call to the small boy. He comes to me and stands looking around at all the parents. "Who do we pick up first?"

"I can go pick up the girls," he tells us and then points to a certain teacher. The old man makes eye contact with us and I flinch. Ritsu stands closer to me and gives the man a cold look. "He teaches the boys and the nice woman behind him has Makoto."

"Okay," Ritsu answers for us, my voice suddenly gone due to fear. "Meet us at the sidewalk."

"Got it," Kan answers, while his hair is pushed back and a light coating of sweat on his forehead. The boy has the largest smile an orphan could muster and I brush shoulders with Ritsu. I'm not an orphan anymore and they aren't alone. I can protect them and we can be a family. Kan goes and disappears into the crowd of people. I watch his fleeting back and wish that the boy could be picked up by his parents rather than picking up other orphans. But I still have the consolation that Kan was picked up by someone, even if it was just me and Ritsu.

"He'll be fine," Ritsu assures me and he puts his hand on my shoulder. I look to the redhead to find him eyeing me closely. I give a tight-lipped smile and the boy just frowns slightly. "We won't leave them. I promise."

"Thank you," I reply and offer him a grateful smile with my stomach weightless inside me. I love him. I will love him to the ends of the earth. With this love I can never bear to leave him and I am okay with the idea of being by his side forever.

"Come on," Ritsu says hurriedly, a blush coming to his face.

His hand grabs mine and he leads us through the crowd of parents and students. The old man who we need to get Shoyo and Yuu from stares at us in disgust. I feel my body want to retreat but the hand within mine gives me strength. To my left a parent breathes in with shock and points to my neck for another parent to see. I look at her with blank regard and she flinches then looks down quickly. Ritsu pulls me closer to him and we are immediately confronted by the old man in an ugly brown suit and red tie. His hair is a graying bald mess and his face is set in a scowl so deep his eyes seem black with hell's hate.

"What business do Ouran students have here?" he spits out, his teeth yellow behind the question.

"We're here to pick up Yuu and Shoyo. Shimizu-san sent us," Ritsu answers for us and I nod softly.

The man gives us an unholy look and then turns to the children behind him. His wrinkled hand raises and motions for the kids to come forward. I look around the man, Ritsu squeezing my hand tightly. I move closer to the boy as my heart races with the crowd around us staring in shock and anger. The boy smiles reassuringly and intertwines our fingers to bring us closer. A cough is heard and my body gets cold with the harsh noise. But when I turn and two small boys are running towards us with large smiles, I feel so happy.

"Ritsu! Susan!"

The boys are suddenly hugging our legs, squeezing us and looking up with shining faces. Yuu seems happier than his melancholy self and Shoyo grabs Ritsu's other hand. I reach out for Yuu and the small boy grabs my clammy hand with excitement. When I look up to the old man, he scowls but it is somehow softened a bit. I swear I could even see his lips make a smile though they didn't change form.

"Thank you," I whisper softly.

The man nods his head and we move on to the younger woman behind him with a bunch of small children. Her golden eyes meet mine and she smiles softly. Shoyo is talking to Ritsu, the redhead nodding with the conversation so I'm the one to speak for us. But when we get to the woman, I don't get a chance to open my mouth because Makoto is screaming for us behind her blue dress.

"Onee-chan! Onii-chan!"

The woman looks at me and I give a nod. She puts a hand in Makoto's hair and pushes him along to us. The boy comes out from behind the woman and thse child hands me his small bag and a picture. I take the paper with crayoned masterpieces, looking at the design closely. It appears to be the whole orphanage, all the children surrounding three taller figures, one being a drawn Shimizu-san in a kimono. The one closest to what I assume was him—the character the smallest on the page—has black hair and black legs, representing tights. The drawn Susan has a hand out to the small boy and the taller figure next to her. The drawn Ritsu has bright red hair and a scowl but nothing else makes him seem scary as he clutches my drawn hand.

"Did you draw this?" I ask the boy, releasing Ritsu's hand and kneeling down.

"Yes. It's us!" Makoto proclaims with glee and I smile gently.

"It's beautiful," I reply.

I open my arm and the toddler gives me a hug. Tears come to my eyes with blissful happiness. I pick him up while not releasing Yuu and Ritsu comes to take the backpack from me. Makoto smooths my hair and bangs as we walk to join the others who are waiting. When we get there, Kan has collected the girls, their faces shining with joy.

"Can we go to the park?" the younger girls ask and I nod softly. People around us continue to judge our group but I couldn't care less about that. Kan nods excitedly and then grabs Haruka's hand, the eldest girl turning a bright red.

"I'll lead," Kan announces and then we are walking through the streets.

All the kids are in uniform, the girls in green plaid jumpers and white shirts while the boys are in black shorts with white button-downs and a marching plaid tie. We pass a couple of shops and all the people stop and stare at our group. They must be amazed we are watching so many children. Or they might be wondering why Ouran students are with regular kids. Ritsu looks over at me and he has a light frown with the unfriendly looks. I smile at him but it doesn't change his worried and anxious expression.

We come to the light across from the park and Ritsu glares at a group of high school girls across the street. They shriek and I giggle at their fear. He's just like me in the respect that we can make anyone fear us. Ritsu glances at me and cracks a large smile. For a moment his profile makes my heart skip a beat. He looks so sure of himself and then he actually looks happy to be with me—genuinely happy. Before the light can change, I shift Makoto to a little farther back on my hip and lean into Ritsu.

When he's turned away, I raise on my toes and peck his cheek lightly with my lips. I'm looking forward when he inhales sharply and turns a bright red, his ears redder than his hair. The boy doesn't follow when the light changes but a laugh from Shoyo startles him into moving once again. I know my face is dusted with pink by my boldness but the heat feels nice on my cheeks. We get to the park and the kids turn to us in anticipation.

"You guys know the rules," I tell them, putting Makoto on the ground and moving closer to Ritsu. "No talking to strangers."

"Stay with your buddy," Ritsu instructs softly, embarrassment still flooding his cheeks.

"And stay where we can see you. We'll get ice cream if you guys listen to these rules, okay?"

"Okay!" the kids yell out and then Ritsu nods. They're off in a flash and Makoto is looking at me with a frown.

"I want to go play with them," he moans and I laugh a little too loudly.

"Okay, but you have to be careful," I tell him as we walk to the playground.

Makoto nods as he goes to the smaller playground set and Ritsu leads me to the swings next to it. The redhead sits on one swing and I join him, pushing myself to move slightly on the seat of another. Makoto is only a few feet away but I can see how brightly his eyes shine. Kan had said that they weren't allowed to go out to the park, so these kids have never really played outside. With me and Ritsu though, we open up a whole new world.

"You're really glad we're with the kids aren't you?"

I look to my companion and find him examining me. A red blush comes to my face as I realize he was watching my expressions as I thought. God that's embarrassing. What if I look really bad? Though Ritsu is smiling like he doesn't find me unattractive. I smile slowly back at him and shrug my shoulders a bit.

"I'm glad that they're happy but I'm also glad that I have someone with me to make them happy," I mutter and look away. The boy chuckles deeply and the sound flows through my body, electrifying my fingertips and making me want to touch him.

"I'm happy with you too," he replies loudly, Makoto turning to us as he goes down the slide for the fifth time already.

I suddenly have the realization he might not want to spend time with the kids but is only doing it for me. It breaks my heart a bit that he doesn't see how special they are, but when I peek at him, I know that he does see them as important. His smile is wide as he waves to Haruka, the girl standing next to Kan with a timid look. As Ritsu finds me watching him, he reaches out for my hand.

"We don't have to watch the kids if you don't want to," I inform him as our fingertips brush one another, our hands reaching even harder for their mate.

"I like watching them and I like how you laugh when you're with them. You always seem happiest with all of us," he replies slowly.

My hand finally grabs his and we pull our swings closer together. A cold feeling comes over me and my throat closes for a moment. What if I can't be with them? What if I lose the kids or worse yet, what if I lose Ritsu? I have been taught I could never be this happy because it's a weakness. I'm scared to lose all of this and this boy. This is the last of my life. I've already attained everything that I need. I have all the love I could ever want.

"Ritsu," I whisper and the boy stiffens with my fearful tone. "I'm scared because I have never been happier."

"I know. I'm scared too."

For a moment I wonder if we are right for each other. I think about us too much. For once I should let my heart decide and do what feels right. Because oh my god, does he feel right. I love him so much even though I don't say it out loud or that I'm scared for our future. I'm scared about what might happen if he decides he doesn't want a gang boss or if he gets hurt. But I'm even more scared to live without him and these moments. My love for him is the kind that runs deeper and stronger than my soul could ever manage to show. My love is everlasting.

"But I will stay with you, forever," I say forcefully and Ritsu starts to laugh. I watch as he rises and walks to stand before me as I look up into his beautiful eyes; I don't think I could ever believe light brown eyes were gorgeous but with him, I am left speechless.

"I love you," he whispers as his hands go to my hair and he stares into my loving soul. His hands trail through my hair and one settles to hold my chin gently. His hand is calloused and I shiver with the rough skin touching my face.

"I know," I gasp as his face lowers into mine.

My heart pounds and I feel tingly as I close my eyes. I trust him fully and my hands make their way to hold his blazer through my closed lids. The hand tilts my head back and I feel a hot breath hit my nose. Before I could blush, lips were on mine. They tentatively pushed against me and the smooth metal from my snakebites were a stark contrast to Ritsu's chapped lips. I push my mouth into him more, fisting the material in my hand.

My head spins as my lips gently part. Then I can feel the lips on mine unsure and know that this is as much as I'm going to get. My lips are suddenly bare as I open my eyes gently, Ritsu turning a bright red. My face turns his shade as I gently rise up to smash my lips against his in need. I'm gone just as elusively as I came and my clammy body leans back on the swing. Ritsu straightens and releases me, the back of his hand going to his mouth in shock.

"I, I don't know why I just did that," he rants quickly. The boy starts to pace a bit in front of me and I hold back my laughter. "At first I was like, just the forehead, but then you looked so perfect and I just leaned in lower. It didn't help when you closed your eyes either or that your lips looked super soft. Did you know that?"

"Know what?" I giggle out as my hands wring upon themselves to expel my nerves. Ritsu stops immediately and looks at me with a serious face.

"Know your lips were soft?" he asks deeply and I break out in full laughter.

"No. Did you know yours are rough?" I say between bellows. My love guffaws and I fear he might faint.

"Were they? God, I know I should have waited until I bought more chapstick. But no, I jump the gun and kiss you. I probably fucked everything up," he rants again. I stand up as he walks back and forth. My smile is large and I grab the boy's arm to stop him. He hesitates and looks at me with slight fear. How people could ever think he's scary baffles me.

"You're so cute," I murmur and then place myself in his arms. I hug him and he follows suit, arms wrapping around me. "It was perfect. Thank you."

"I love you," he says faster than ever and I giggle into his chest. He's such a worry wart.

"I love you too," I reply.

And in that moment, the world could have imploded on itself and I would have no regrets. My past actions meant nothing anymore because this is what I wanted. This is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in a scary boy's arms and for him to be freaking out because he worried too much. I love him so much and this love would last forever, I was certain. If I'm wrong let the world really implode because it wouldn't be worth living anymore.

* * *

We stayed out way past what we had expected but it was worth it. All of the kids were sleepy and we were walking in the moonlight to the orphanage. Ritsu had Shoyo in his right arm and Sakura walking in his left hand. My left arm held Yuu and the other hand held Kiyoko's small hand. Makoto was being carried by Kan and Haruka held onto the back of the older boy's shirt to keep herself walking. They had eaten sandwiches and ice cream but then begged us to go back to the park, exhausting themselves to the point they couldn't make it home without encouragement.

"We missed the movie, didn't we?" I ask Ritsu as we get to the house. The boy nods his head and attempts to shrug while still holding children.

"Yah but we can see it this weekend," he replies and I stiffen. Ritsu doesn't catch my change because the door opens to reveal an irate Shimizu-san.

"Where have you been?" the old woman hisses quietly. She lets us in the door and points down the hall.

"The playground and getting ice cream and dinner," I reply slowly as she comes around. She gives us a sour look in the lamplight and then sighs.

"Call next time please," she says with a tired sigh. Both Ritsu and I nod and the woman only sighs again. Then she picks up Makoto from Kan and looks to our student. "Can you show them where your bedrooms are?"

"Okay," he replies and gestures for us to follow.

We walk closely behind him, the girls in our hands yawning largely. The first door we get to the girls stop and look up at both of us, not really being the hugging type of kids. I smile softly and run my hand from Kiyoko's hand to her cheek. I pat the smooth skin and then push her to the door. Doing the same with Sakura, the girl follows her buddy. Haruka comes up to me and hugs me quickly, releasing me in a flash. She does the same with Ritsu and then runs into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Ritsu chuckles and I crack a grin. Kan turns down the hall and leads us to the next door. He opens it up, switching a light on in the dark room to reveal three beds. The bedroom was large and each bed was on a wall of the room, each side containing different themes. I could tell Shoyo's side from the multiple colors and sports. Yuu must be the one with a bookcase of chapter books and then Kan had music themed things on his side.

I take Yuu who remains in my hands to his bed, placing him to sit for a second. Taking off his shoes and then tie, I place them aside and then cover him up to go to sleep. When I turn around, Ritsu has done the same with Shoyo. Kan sits on his bed quietly and I go to him with light steps. For a moment I question my actions but before I know it, I'm pushing his bangs back and kissing his forehead.

"We'll see you Monday. Good night," I tell him and he nods with eyes the size of the moon behind his glasses.

My heart pounds and I grab Ritsu quickly, dragging him out of the room and to the front of the house. The old caretaker was nowhere to be found and I sigh as I decide we better leave. She wasn't angry enough to keep us here and yell at us so I don't think she would mind if we went home. I was starting to get tired and Ritsu was yawning as we carried the kids home. So, with my mind made up, we left the house and were walking down the street in silence. Except Ritsu kinda broke the silence.

"Do you want to go out on Saturday?" Ritsu asks as we go towards my syndicate. I look at him with a guilty look and he slows his pace a bit.

"I'm going away this weekend," I reply with a small voice. The boy comes around and blocks my path on the sidewalk.

"What for?" he asks shakily and I look at him softly.

"I'm going with the host club when they go to the beach. They wanted me to go with them as a friend, not a bodyguard per say and I agreed," I reply as I fiddle with my fingers. Ritsu's face contorts into a confused expression.

"The host club?"

"Yah," I murmur. "The host club that make their living off of entertaining rich girls. They're kinda weird but good hearted people."

Ritsu doesn't seem like he likes the idea of male escorts and frowns at me. I wait for him to let his mind run it's course. This only leads the boy to start pacing once again. I merely stand in front of him and watch his worried face and growing anger. The redhead looks different in the moonlight and the glow only accentuates his growing scowl.

"Wait, so how do you know them? Were they those people from like two weeks ago who chased us into a bathroom stall?" he mutters and runs a hand through his hair.

"I met them when I first started at Ouran. And yes, some of them are the people that chased us into the bathroom," I reply blankly.

The boy starts to wring his hands and stops to look at me once again. His body shakes slightly and I prepare myself for the impact. He doesn't like the fact that I am so forgiving of the people who scared me. I can see his reasoning but he doesn't know how good the host club actually can be. They don't try to hurt me. It's me that overreacts.

"I don't understand. Why are you still friends with them? That day you were so frightened and you said they were scared of you. Fear just doesn't disappear. I know that people just don't stop being scared," he argues with a peeved tone. He gives me a look that is soft even though he's angry.

"I know that people are always going to be scared of me but they look beyond that. They mean well," I tell the boy and move around him to keep us walking.

Ritsu huffs and I can tell that the boy isn't going to let it go. He is abnormally determined to make me tell him things even when I don't want to. It's something that only he can do. If anyone else tried to make me talk like him, I would punch him and never talk to them again. But my stupid love for him allows him to get away with metaphorical murder. It also helps that he is the only one not scared of me and is able to bring the truth out from me.

"I don't like you going with them, on an away trip, if they have a history of not treating you well," he says forcefully. He walks faster to get me to look at him and I remember why people get scared of him. It's all because of the scowl adorning his face and the shape of his brows when he squints in anger.

"I know but they're really trying to do better. They don't want to hurt me but they're just a little overbearing sometimes," I tell him and he shakes his head.

"You're too trusting of them."

"They don't want to hurt me."

"But they do hurt you. Are they the reason you were out of it yesterday?" Ritsu yells loudly into the street. Our argument just keeps growing in volume and I can't contain my displeasure anymore. I'm starting to actually get cranky with being tired and having to justify my friends' actions. I just walk faster to avoid making the neighborhood angry.

"I told you to let that go," I hiss and he grabs my arm, forcing us to stop. I look at his face and people who were on the rural street scatter at the gangster argument.

"They're the reason and you're still going with them. Are you crazy? Do you like getting hurt?" he says unceremoniously. I don't yank my arm away but I frown deeply.

"I can take care of myself. I won't get hurt," I assure. The boy gives out a strained laugh and a ferocious snort of disbelief.

"I don't trust them to not hurt you. You shouldn't go."

"I'm going Ritsu," I say strongly and rip my arm back. The boy looks at me angrier than I've ever seen him and his hands become fists at his sides.

"Why were you out of it? What did they do to you that you feel you have to make them happy?" he growls out and I flinch. I couldn't make Kyoya happy though, not after what I did. He catches my falter and then goes on, venom spilling into the night air. "Which boy was it? What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything," I whisper to him but know I've shot myself in the foot and there's no running from this situation.

"Oh so it was a boy. Who is he and what did he do?" Ritsu roars. I shake my head in protest but the boy just becomes more angry. "Tell me Susan."

In my mind, I weigh my choices. Tell Ritsu about Kyoya and risk the boy going berserk. Tell Ritsu that he isn't going to get any information from me and risk the boy going berserk. Stay quiet and walk away from Ritsu and risk the boy going berserk. Any route I take spells trouble. Now, do I tell him the truth and allow no lies to come between us or do I just yell that it's none of his business. I think I'm going to have to tell him about Kyoya myself before Kyoya tells the boy to spite me. If I'm not honest with him, what kind of person am I?

"If I tell you, you have to promise to not overreact and wake up the whole neighborhood. Promise?" I say slowly, trying to tame the roaring lion that is my stupid boy.

"Oh my god!" He yells into the moon as he throws his hands up. "I am going to kill him."

"See," I say cheekily. The boy looks at me angrily and I gesture at his body in a circle motion. "This is overreacting."

The boy stomps his foot childishly and paces the sidewalk. I fiddle with my skirt until the boy could calm himself. Angry grumbles can be heard and I wonder how the day could ever end with Ritsu telling me he doesn't believe me enough to trust I won't get hurt. I mean how dare he believe that I can't take care of myself! He should believe me. My hands go to my hips as Ritsu stops pacing and folds his arms over his chest.

"Okay, no overreacting," he grumbles and I nod once.

Now how the hell am I going to start this? I am such an idiot. Oh yeah Ritsu, I'll tell you something that would definitely make you leave me but here we are. I don't think these kinds of things through or think about the overall consequences that happen because of this. I can just run away and not tell him. Yah right. I have to tell him. But how? No, seriously how am I going to start this.

"Okay, I was out of it because I told a boy he couldn't, that he can't, that," I stumble and then wipe my face. Ritsu waits patiently and I start again. "He wanted to date me. Before I met you, it was a possibility but when you asked me out, I told him he had to give up on me."

"He, wait, what?" Ritsu screams. The boy tries to contain his anger and I decide to go on.

"It was hard—"

"Because you liked him?" Ritsu interrupts in a growl and I glare this time. If I liked Kyoya before Ritsu, he has no right to be angry at me now. He's just being obstinate and stupid and an ass now. My hands clench into fists and I hold the rage in my eyes at Ritsu. He glares back.

"No, because I broke his heart," I retort darkly. Ritsu shakes his head and gives me a look that makes me feel guilty. It's a look of being defeated but hurt at the same time. He thinks he lost to Kyoya. He couldn't be more wrong.

"But do you like him?" he asks in a small voice and I shake my head.

"No," I convince both him and myself-though I believe my words and my emotions followed suit. I love Ritsu. Kyoya is only a friend and I only feel hurt when I think about him. I feel hurt and scared when I think of Kyoya now.

"And you're going on a trip with this boy you just let down?" Ritsu asks incredulously. I nod my head and he raises his eyebrows in the moonlight to give me a 'no' look. "You are not going on this trip. This guy is going to pull something and you're going to get hurt."

"You just did not tell me what to do," I laugh out, disgusted with this whole conversation. He is stupid. This conversation is so over.

My arms fold across my chest to keep them from strangling Ritsu into seeing I'm right. Ritsu grabs my arm and makes us walk to my home. I allow the boy to drag me along, knowing that his grip is too soft to be forcing me to follow him. He is allowing me chose to stop him but I don't want to be without him. We get to the stairs of my home after ten minutes of silent pulling. Ritsu lets me go and hasn't gotten any calmer.

"You are not going. I don't trust you to be safe," he says sharply and I inhale with the verbal punch.

"Why won't you believe me? Why don't you trust me?" I hiss and Ritsu stares down at me with a dark aura.

"I don't trust **them**. I just want you to be safe and I can't do that if you're being careless."

"They're my friends."

"Friends don't make other friends cry."

"They're good people. They are my friends. Why won't you believe me?"

"I don't think you understand what a friend is."

"And maybe I don't!" I scream. Ritsu flinches this time and I breathe heavily with rage. "But I am going to find out, even if you don't want me to."

"Susan I just want to protect you," he yells back in my face. "Let me protect you."

"This isn't protecting me. This is controlling me and I will not be controlled by anyone anymore. Good night Ritsu," I hiss and turn to go up the stairs.

He is going to be pissed that I'm walking away. But he will mostly likely let me go like Kyoya. I've lost everything because of our stubbornness. Though I am the most stubborn of all and Ritsu isn't right if he lets me leave. Maybe it's all for the best.

I'm halfway up the stairs when Ritsu grabs my arm and I turn to see his face filled with worry. My silent rage goes cold and I feel worried for him. Why didn't he just let me go? Why is he going to concede to me? Does he really not trust me? But I'm happy he came after me.

"I'm sorry," he mutters quietly and I turn from my high place above him. "I just don't want to have you get hurt. I do have to let you do what you want, but you have to at least listen to me."

"I do listen to you, it's just that what you say is stupid," I murmur. Ritsu cracks a smile but it is so worried. I step down to the same step as him. Ritsu then holds my hand, his arm shaking with rage and fear.

"Okay well you have to listen to me and promise me that if anything goes wrong, you will call me. I will pick you up if they hurt you but I need to know if something happens," he whispers and I sigh. "Susan, please. I'm worried."

My anger disappears with the guilty feeling of making him worried. I know he worries too much but I also know that I want to go. Even though Ritsu is meeting me halfway, I still feel angry at him. But the boy loves me and I love him. And because I love the stupid worried cute boy, I'll humor him. I know nothing will actually happen but if by some miracle something does, I'll call him.

"Alright. I promise to call you if something goes wrong," I whisper and see him grow a relieved look. He smiles gently and I roll my eyes. We fall into our comfort once again. "Why didn't you just let me go up the stairs?"

"Well," he drawls with a cheeky grin. "My father always told me to never let the girl you love go to bed thinking you don't love her. Or else she might hatch some diabolical plan and kill you in your sleep."

"Good advice," I giggle.

The boy smiles at me despite everything that just transgressed. I can't even believe he can stand being with me after I yelled at him. I'm a gang lord, an assassin, a coldblooded torturer but he sees me as a girl he loves. Ritsu pushes my bangs back with his hand and kisses my forehead softly. We are going to have problems, more problems than other relationships but I think we'll be fine. As he holds me in his hands, I know that we are going to be together for a long time.

"I don't know if I'm doing any of this right. I don't know if this is how relationships are supposed to work. I just know that I love you, God it's still weird to say that, but I love you Susan," he says to me as I blush with his words.

"I love you too Ritsu and I think you're doing great with this relationship. A plus for you," I tease and he just snorts in my face. His forehead comes down and knocks against mine. For a moment I think he might kiss me but then I can see his eyes still fearful for me. I put my hand to his cheek and just stare at him.

"Please don't try to handle things on your own. I want to be with you so for once let someone protect you. Let me protect you," he urges and I place a hair behind his ear. His hands sit at my waist and I rub my forehead against his softly.

"I'll try," I whisper. "I'll let you save me."

"Good. I'll be here when you get back."

The boy suddenly gathers me close to him and squeezes me tightly. I put my arms around his waist in return. Inhaling deeply he smells so familiar, like trees and clean clothes out of the dryer. Ritsu gives me one last kiss on my head and I sigh. I love him and will love him for eternity, no matter how angry he makes me.

* * *

**Okay I am totally sorry for making everyone wait so long. Work has been crazy and i got put in charge of training some of the new people. Goes to say, I know I'm never becoming a teacher. So enjoy the extra long chapter and my sad sad story for Kyoya. I really like how I'm even like, yah Susan will totally be happy for a long time, when i know I'm going to destroy her. I'm terrible. I'm going to make myself cry. God. I need a boyfriend.  
**

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys)**


	25. Swear Words

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Swear Words**

* * *

"**I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." **

― **Mel Brooks**

"**Don't fuck with me, fellas. This ain't my first time at the rodeo." **

― **Joan Crawford**

"**If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government." **

― **Lenny Bruce**

* * *

"Hurry up Susan-chan!"

I look at the assorted bathing suits on the bed and scowl deeply. Most of them were bikinis and none of them would cover my back. Honey, Tamaki and the twins were outside waiting for me to emerge from my room and I just barricaded myself even more. How do they expect me to wear this stuff? I mean, they do know that I have scars and I have had stitches not long ago. Why would I wear god awful bathing suits then?

Presently, we have arrived and been led to our rooms in a house by the beach. Of course the house was really a mansion and my room was huge which had an attached bathroom. My bag of stuff sat on the bed next to the wardrobe laid out for me by the host club. Haruhi, I could hear through the wall was also having s tough time with her wardrobe. Because there were no guests here today, she could dress as a girl. Tomorrow would be the host club's event and we would both get to decide our clothing.

"What's taking so long?" Hikaru and Kaoru whine from the other side of the door. I sigh and go to the portal, opening it slightly to see four excited faces.

"I can't wear any of these," I tell them and they frown.

"Oh come on. You have to have fun. We're at the beach," Tamaki argues and I shake my head. My heart pounds with the idea of having to go out with my back showing.

"I want a top that covers me up," I say bluntly and they all sigh. Looking at one another, they nod softly.

"We'll bring you a cover up. But you have to wear one of the suits under it," Tamaki proclaims, his large smile coming back to his face.

"Alright but if you don't, I am going to put a hoodie on and hide the rest of the day," I threaten softly.

The boys all nod and I sigh. Closing the door, I go back to the options I have on the bed. There's a normal black bikini top and I put that one on slowly. The bottoms are a different story. I settle with one that is black and high-waisted which would cover my stabbing scar. The door opens and I watch as a hand laid a dark green kimono like robe on the table.

When I go grab it, I find that the cloth is silky and has large arms. It goes a little below the knee and a little past my elbow. Looking at myself in the mirror, I find that I actually like my reflection. My hair was starting to get wavy with the salty air and my legs were long and tan. My eyes matched the cover-up and I smile a small smile at the other me. This is going to be fun.

As I gawk at myself, my phone rings into the silent room. It's the pink panther ring tone and I am somehow relieved and somehow disappointed. I'm relieved it's not Ritsu who is freaking out, but also disappointed by the fact that the boy isn't going to be here with me. I push the thoughts away and get the phone.

"_Hello?" _I say into the receiver. My father hadn't called for a couple of weeks and I had been getting worried.

"_Hey Susan,"_ my father replies and I lay on the bed. Looking up to the vaulted ceiling, I twist my sleeve. "How are you?"

"_I'm doing good Pa. How are you?"_

"_I'm fine,"_ he says and then there is silence. Pa is only quiet when he's thinking too hard. He only thinks too hard when it comes to parenting. So what's he doing? What did I do? What is he going to scold me about? Can he ground me half a world away?

"_You sure you're okay Pa?"_

"_Yah,"_ he says quickly, his accent getting thicker. I gulp and try to calm myself.

"_I heard you are going out with a boy."_

I stay silent and curse Fu. My Pa on the other side of the line is breathing hard. He's probably really angry that I'm dating some boy and not putting all of my attention into the gang. But I am taking care of the gang and dating Ritsu isn't a problem. The boy doesn't get in the way of my business and he gives me life outside of the gang so I don't get too stressed. I will stay with Ritsu and he will stay with me, come hell or high water.

"_You heard correctly,"_ I reply softly into the receiver. My father doesn't speak but I can hear the sharp intake of breath.

"_You're growing up,"_ my Pa whimpers into the receiver and I realize he's crying. A smile comes to my face and I sit up on my bed.

"_I'm still your daughter,"_ I reassure the man and I can hear him nod against the phone.

"_Is he good? Is he one of us?"_ he asks shakily and I bite my lip.

"_He's a good guy. No tattoos, not even a piercing yet,"_ I mutter softly. _"The boy couldn't be sweeter really."_

"_That isn't good then,"_ the voice exclaims and I stiffen.

"_Why not?"_ I hiss into the receiver. Why isn't the boy I love good?

"_We can't be with outsiders,"_ my father argues and I roll my eyes much like the teenager I am.

"_Everyone is an outsider unless you're one of the few born into the business and they don't even stay. I was an outsider. Vito was an outsider. You're the only one of us that was bred into your role,"_ I tell my father childishly. I'm falling into the role of the child arguing with their parent. It feels more familiar than one would actually think.

"_Okay, how about this. You remember that lady I was dating when you were an eighth grader,"_ he starts off and I grunt in affirmation. _"Well I liked her a lot and she was really cool. That was until she found you beating the shit out of the Capimagi's son and wanted me to reprimand you. You remember what I told her?"_

"_Yah,"_ I say reluctantly_. "You told her that if she couldn't stand a kid getting a few bruises that she wouldn't be able to handle a bullet in the head."_

"_Yah and I dumped her. Outsiders don't understand our lifestyle and it's hard on them. Not all people are made for this type of life."_

"_But Ritsu is different. I know he is. He knows what I am and I am not going to let him see this life if he doesn't want it,"_ I shout a little too loudly. I jump out of bed and start pacing the room, my face padding on the wood. _"I will protect him so it won't matter if he's an outsider or not."_

"_Oh no. You're too far gone to convince now,"_ my father sighs. I choke and stomp my foot.

"_Don't treat me like I don't know what I'm doing. I know how to handle this,"_ I reason and my father laughs on the other end. I crack a smile and the deep laughter sounds like home. I miss my Pa. It's nice to have friends and Ritsu and a gang but I miss my father.

"_I think I'll come visit in a couple of months,"_ my father states and I can feel my heart drop completely.

_"That won't be necessary. You don't have to give him the third degree,"_ I retort quickly. My father again laughs and I shake my head at myself in the room. I can hear other voices come from the receiver and know that our conversation is drawing to an end. The host club can be heard outside my door and I know that I'm going to have to let go of my father.

_"I miss you,"_ my father whispers quietly and the room all of a sudden engulfs me in the darkness.

It isn't even that dark but now I feel as if it can swallow me whole. My father sounds just as broken as Kyoya and I know that it breaks his heart to have me so far away. We were the closest thing to father and daughter without having the same blood running in our veins. It doesn't matter that I was nothing but a hoodrat or an orphan from an abusive home. I was just a young girl that he took in and he became my father. It is breaking him to see me moving on and making memories without him.

_"I miss you too,"_ I reply with a break in my voice. I may be moving on, but I am reluctant to leave him behind.

_"I love you. I'll try to make it out in a couple of weeks. You stay safe and keep this boy close. I wouldn't want to see you hurt because you tried to save him,"_ my father says gruffly and I nod. I wipe the tears from my face with a shaking hand.

_"Don't worry about him. He tells me he is going to save me. I'll be fine and I love you too,"_ I whisper back and the phone cuts off.

Our conversation is over and for a moment, I sit back on the bed and look at my reflection once again. My face is sad but for a moment, I put it off. I'm still dressed for the beach and there are people still waiting for me. It doesn't matter if I feel homesick because these feelings will never go away. Memories will be made regardless of where I am and these memories are something to look forward to. I am happy to make these memories.

"Senpai?" Haruhi calls as she knocks on my door.

I get up and grab some green flip flops. Not putting them on, I grab a black floppy hat from my assortment of clothing. I put the hat on and open the door to my bedroom. The entire host club is waiting on the other side and they have large smiles. Well they're smiling, except for Kyoya who doesn't make eye contact with me. Haruhi is dressed in a one piece suit a light pink color with a red skirt cover-up. She looks nice. The boys have trunks different colors and I walk to my only female companion.

"You look nice," I comment to the girl and feel my heart start to pump.

"So do you," she says calmly and I wonder how she can ever keep her cool with the crazy host club.

"So are we going to the beach?" I ask as I break away from the group.

I look back over my shoulder and the host club smiles largely as they follow me. Honey runs after me and soon enough our whole group is breathing hard as they follow me. Honey begins to laugh and I join him. We burst out the back door that is on the beach front and I try to keep running on the shifting sand. I nearly fall with my shoes in my hand but soon enough we are at the shore. I stand and just breathe in.

The ocean air is cool and it smells somehow different from what I smelled like in New York. My hat almost blows away with a strong breeze. I grab the top and look at how the water seems to be dancing like crystals. Waves approach me and I step forward, cool wet sand under my feet. The ocean comes up to touch my toes and they curl under the cool contact. I walk farther into the water and turn back to my friends.

"Are you having fun Susan-chan?" Tamaki asks giddily as he steps into the water with me.

"Yes, thank you," I say with a large smile. "Thank you for being my friends.

And then, I led the charge into the sea water. The others followed and it was amazing. And in that moment I realized I had so much more to lose than I had originally thought. But in this moment, I think I was more concerned with how cold the water was when I got in deeper. It was fucking freezing actually.

* * *

The night came and I had convinced the host club to start a bonfire in one of the pits on the beach. The twins were messing with Tamaki as Haruhi hunted for shells in the darkness. Mori and Honey were across the fire, talking lowly. I was stretched out in the sand, throwing bits of wood into the flames. Kyoya had gone to get marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers at my request.

The boy avoided me the entire day but when night fell, he found himself gravitating towards me. I tried my best to not have him feel uncomfortable. That's why it was such a surprise when Kyoya offered if I needed anything. When I mentioned that s'mores would be a great idea, the boy agreed and went off in search of our ingredients. The boy had been gone a long time and I was starting to get worried.

To my right I hear a shift in the sand and when I turn my head, I find the raven haired boy approaching with a bag in his hand. I sit up, throwing a twig into the fire. Kyoya gives some of the bag's contents to the cousins and soon enough the rest of the host club has come to us. Haruhi plops next to me with the twins on my other side.

"So how do we do this Senpai?" Haruhi asks as I grab a skewer and marshmallow from Kyoya. I pierce the fluffy sugar and place it over the fire, the others following suit.

"So you warm the marshmallow. I like mine burnt," I say as my marshmallow catches fire. I bring it off of the flames and blow the blackened crisp. Grabbing a graham cracker, I put the marshmallow on top then top that with chocolate and another cracker. "Then put it on a graham cracker and put a square of chocolate and another graham cracker on top."

I wait for the chocolate to melt and watch the host club follow my actions. Honey bites into his sandwich before it could even mix and he smiles largely. Mori's eyes light up with the sweetened dessert and the twins are silent in their evident delight. Haruhi looks at Tamaki as he makes noises of surprise and excitement. Kyoya looks at his in suspicion and looks at me for approval. Nodding at him to soothe his concern, he eats it with a grimace.

When I take a bite of mine, I remember how sweet they used to be. I remember how I used to burn them over a gas stove in Brooklyn because we didn't have a fire pit. My memories flood into my brain but I look around at the faces lighted by the roaring fire. These are my new memories and they are nice to have. These people are my friends and I am making new memories with them. My s'more is finished quickly and I make another in its absence.

"Did you do this often in America?" Honey asks across the fire. I shrug a bit and feel my heart even out to a fast anxious beat. I may be anxious but I've gotten more and more used to them.

"Not with other people. I only made them once when my Pa took me camping upstate with the rest of the guys. I haven't been in the ocean since I was little either," I tell them and they nod.

"We haven't been for a long time. Normally we go to Paris and London for vacations," Hikaru adds.

"Except that time we went to Barcelona and mom took us to beach up there," Kaoru says happily.

"What does your mom do?" I ask the twins. I don't remember what it was but I remember she was famous for it.

"She designs clothes for high end stores and has her own fashion line."

"We normally get to go to fashion week with her so we travel a lot."

I nod at them and realize that they were the ones who planned all of my outfits. Their mom must design a whole range of things and they must be knowledgeable themselves about clothing. I look to Tamaki who is staring at the moon in wonder. Haruhi follows my gaze and I can see her give a confused look. I wring my hands and shrug at the young girl.

"When did you come to the beach last?" I ask the blonde and he turns to me. His eyes are hauntingly clear and I feel as if I can see through them. Though they seem too hauntingly cold and there is sadness.

"Last summer. I didn't stay long though," he says and I nod.

Something tells me to not push on the subject. Haruhi next to me doesn't seem to get it. She turns to me and I shake my head lightly, her face frowning with my actions. She's going to step in it now. I don't know how, but she is going to uncover something a little too personal for anyone but her. My heart can't bear to watch and I turn away from her and go about my business.

I make another s'more and everyone does the same. Silence comes over us and I realize they all do something for summer vacation. I don't think I can go out of the country. It would be too much of a risk for the gang. That and I'm probably on a couple of country's no fly list. But if I stay in Japan, I'm sure I can go to some country house vacation.

Our gang can probably get a good discount and I could take everyone with me. But I don't think everyone would like to come for a vacation even though they are in desperate need of it. That and if I tried to go alone, everyone including Ritsu would have a shitfit. So I would have to take Kou and the cousins. Then again, I don't think I should take them from the merger when I know Kasanoda is going to start acting up.

"What are you thinking about Susan-chan?" Tamaki breaks my thoughts and I turn to him with a shy smile.

"I was thinking about what I was going to do for summer. I don't know what I would be able to do," I confess. Kyoya's eyes finally pierce into me and I stiffen under his examination.

"We can take a trip," his cool voice offers and I look to him. His dark eyes scare me and I know he's scheming. I sigh and shake my head.

"I don't think I can go out of the country," I tell him and he becomes suspicious.

"Why not?" he asks and I muster a small glare. He looks away this time and I look down at my hands.

"I don't want to leave my men without me for very long," I mutter truthfully. Honey makes a noise of realization and I turn to see him excited.

"Well we can go to a resort nearby then," he offers and I nod.

"I think I would like that."

Haruhi looks at me and I can see her concerned face. At first I think it's because she's worried I'm actually a gang leader. Upon further examination I find it's because of the summer trip. I don't think she can go. Or maybe she has other plans. I'm going to have to find out. I hope she can go with us on the trip. That or I hope if she goes on a trip that she won't get followed by the host club. They might just ruin her entire summer.

I make one last sugar sandwich and then get up. The fire is hot but the sand under my feet is cold. The people around me begin to talk amongst themselves and I walk off towards the rising tide. The moon lights my path and I feel someone following me. I make a circle and find Kyoya running to me. His face in the moonlight is worried but also harsh. He tries to smile but I can see he's still angry at me.

I open my mouth to tell him something—anything really—but no bland joke, no angry quip, no pitiful plea, comes to mind. So I close my mouth and turn back to the ocean. I kick the sand with my toes and the boy continues to follow me. The moon reflects on the ocean surface and I wonder how it could ever be so beautiful. I wonder how I could ever see such beauty when I have done nothing but evil in this world.

"I was surprised you actually came," Kyoya says as I stop and stare at the ocean. The moonlight makes it seem like fairies are dancing in the night.

"The host club asked me to and you're my friends. It would be petty if I didn't come," I remark with a calm voice.

I dig my feet into the sand and lower my body to sit. The sand is colder than I would have thought and I curl my knees into me for warmth. Kyoya sits next to me and we look out into the world in silence. I don't dare look at him for fear he might try something. For the moment, I feel like nothing will happen. Nothing can happen because I'm not going to be that person to Ritsu.

"I just didn't think you would come," Kyoya mutters almost sadly.

I place my head on top of my knees and turn to the boy. He is looking at me with a small smile and I frown deeply. The boy doesn't have his shielded look like he normally does. I can read him like a book right now and I wish I couldn't. His face tells me wishes that I hadn't come because I'm hurting him. My presence is a reminder that the girl he loves has rejected him. I turn around before I could feel like the bitch he wants to think I am.

"I'm sorry," I apologize.

Kyoya laughs something like a defeated song, the melancholy tone ringing through the beautiful sky. I look at the moon's reflection in the ocean and it's swaying with the waves. I wish on a shooting star that flickers across the vast space. I wish that I could make Kyoya's pain disappear. I wish that he would see me only as a friend or only as a gangster or only as a classmate. But my wishes don't come true and as I spy Kyoya's fisted hands, I know that my luck hasn't changed one bit.

"You're not," he hisses and I flinch. Why does the boy insist on hurting both of us? He's only hurting himself and me with these talks. Besides he doesn't even understand what this is doing to me. He isn't the only one hurt by this.

"How do you know?" I ask as my chest contracts painfully. The ocean seems to get more and more rough, reflecting my inner turmoil. It also signifies my rising anxiety.

"Because if you did, you wouldn't be doing this," he says angrily, the sand next to me shifting with his movement.

"Doing what?" I ask exasperatedly. Now he's just not making sense and my mind is going into panic mode with his tone. I send a silent apology to a redhead far away.

"Being so stubborn that you won't even give me a chance. I mean, what are you afraid of? It's not—"

"I'm seeing someone," I interrupt to get him to stop talking. I don't even know why I told him that bit of information. It just came out. Now, I'm hyperventilating and Kyoya is seething.

"It's that boy from the club," he hisses and I don't know what to do.

I wish for a moment that I could disappear into the sand. Kyoya stands and just like Ritsu does when he is angry, he starts pacing. He doesn't say a thing but his jaw is set into a harsh scowl and I play with my hands. I can't believe I just told him I was dating someone. Damn my mind. I got too nervous and just blurt it out. This is all because I don't think about consequences to things. Now if Kyoya does something to me, I'm going to have to keep my promise to Ritsu and call him.

Or maybe I can just act like nothing is wrong and keep it from Ritsu. Yah right. I can't lie to that boy. He'll know and then he would hate me for lying to him. But is it really a crime that I am dating someone who isn't Kyoya? Of course it isn't, but to him, his world might as well be on fire. And I might as well be Jezebel.

"I'm terrible," I whisper to myself and Kyoya has stopped his angry steps.

I wait for him to say something but am startled when he starts swearing profusely. Where the boy even learned any of these Japanese swear words confuses me but I don't understand at least half of what he's saying. I prepare myself for the worst but Kyoya just keeps complaining about Ritsu who in his words is something akin to a pathetic sack of shit. The boy finally comes down from his tantrum and stares out into the ocean, his back facing me.

"Were you just playing with me? Is this just some dirty gangster lie you play on civilians?" he yells and I flinch with his insult.

"No. I wasn't playing with you. And I'm not now. That's why I would rather tell you the things I have, than lead you on," I argue, gangster mode coming to the surface.

"Don't act innocent," he groans as he turns around. His eyes are steely and I stand to put up this fight. I won't be his punching bag when all I'm trying to do is the right thing.

"Well then you shouldn't play the victim," I retort as I cross my arms. I'm cold and wish I could go back to the fire.

"Don't pull that crap. You know you were playing with me. You just wanted to see how a rich boy would fuck," he swears and I inhale sharply. He's really aiming low now.

"This is precisely why I'm not with you," I punch and the boy bares his teeth. "And don't think I forgot that I was nothing but a mission for you. Or have you given up on learning my dirty little secrets?"

"Maybe I was willing to give up on that for you," he yells out and walks to me. I walk around and we're circling each other like lions. I look at his face in the moonlight and find his eyes darker, knowing that his lie is clear. He would never have given up on turning me in. It's in his blood.

"That's a lie and you know it. Don't try to act like you would have left everything for me. You don't see me as important enough," I laugh venomously.

"And that boy you're fucking is going to leave his life for you. Is he willing to be a killer for you?"

"I won't let him become that," I yell fiercely. Kyoya smirks like he won and I give a harsh grin back. It's time to deliver the final blow. I'm done coddling this boy's emotions and ego. He shouldn't have talked bad about Ritsu. I'll protect him more than myself. You can call me all you want but don't talk about Ritsu. "I love him too much to let him do that."

"Liar!" he shouts and I hear people approach our place.

I walk away from him and hope he doesn't touch me. If he does, I'm just going to have an episode on my hand and Ritsu is going to have to be called. The boy doesn't touch me and I find the twins running to us in the distance. Running to them, I pass their strides with a half angry look.

"Senpai," Haruhi calls. I nod to the girl who stands by the fire and pass her.

"I'm going inside," I tell her, the girl following me. "I'm cold."

"Me too," she replies and comes to my side. She seems angry about something and I merely raise a brow at her.

"I miss something?" I ask and she looks away. Then she gives a foul look at the floor as we pass through the doors and I wonder what happened.

"I'll tell you when we get to the room," she replies and I nod in confirmation.

We're in adjoining rooms with a locking door between us. I think the boys wanted us to feel better with being close to each other. Haruhi normally doesn't go on trips and I'm normally not without accompaniment, so they tried to make up for our loneliness with each other. I liked being closer to the girl. It would give me time to vent about stupid Kyoya.

I huff angrily as I stomp to my room, Haruhi following with an equally angry stride. When we finally get to the door, Haruhi opens it for us and sighs deeply. She quickly goes to my bed and then throws herself face first into the silky comforter. I silently raise my brow and go to my bag. I was cold and needed a sweater. I just hope that Kou packed me a hoodie and that my staying out with Ritsu wouldn't make me regret not having time to pack.

As I look in the bag, I find that Kou packed a lot of random stuff. At one side is a bunch of socks and then there's a lot of aloe. Then snacks are placed with small notes of positive thinking akin to how a mother writes a note in the lunch you take to elementary school. When I get to the bottom of the bag, I find only one warm sweater—which is also not mine. It's a leather jacket that seems somehow familiar with black hoodie lining and hood.

Feeling the material, I can see that it's a size or two too big to be Kou's jacket. But it seems super familiar. I put on the jacket and it smells different from our house detergent. Who the hell does this sweater belong to? My body fills up the jacket but it's too long in the sleeves and goes over my butt. I like the sweater and my hand goes into my stuff, taking out a bag of chips that Kou had packed. He had said that I should at least get to eat junk food when I go out. Fu feeds me so many vegetables that I feel like I'm a bunny. I look at Haruhi and she just has her head in my blankets.

"So what happened?" I ask slowly, calming my rising anxiety.

It doesn't feel too overwhelming and I am really beginning to trust Haruhi when we're alone. She's a good friend and I tell her secrets that I try to keep from everyone else. Well except for Kou; that boy knows me better than I know myself right now. Haruhi turns her head to me and I take out a salty chip, popping it into my mouth. She snakes her arm out and motions for a potato. I jump onto the bed and sitting, I lay the bag on the covers. Haruhi steals a chip and eats it whilst lying down.

"Tamaki Suoh is stupid," she mutters in a small voice and I smirk.

"What's new?" I ask cheekily as I let out a nervous giggle.

Haruhi snorts and finally sits up. Her hands grab my chip bag and I feel slightly empty. I fill my hands by grabbing a pillow. My hair is cold and I place the hood over my head to warm up. As my body shivers, my arm rubs my eyes. The sleeve is close enough that I can smell the last person's scent and I finally realize whose jacket Kou packed. The smell is masculine and slightly sweaty but at the same time it smells like the person laid in the grass too long. Smiling unconsciously, my redhead boy comes to my mind.

"You and Kyoya were arguing pretty loudly," Haruhi breaks my silent smelling. Immediately sitting taller, I knead the pillow with my hands.

"Nope," I mutter strongly. Haruhi looks at me with wide curious eyes. "We're dealing with you first."

"Come on Senpai," Haruhi whines and I shake my head. The girl grabs a chip and bites it with annoyance. She sits up across from me and offers me the bag. I take a handful while I wait for her to start her conversation. She doesn't seem to want to start so I have to push her. My hands are sweaty around the greasy chips.

"You'll feel better if you don't internalize it," I say positively and the girl gives me a look that says I'm hypocritical. I shrug and give her a shy smile. "I'll tell you if you tell me."

"Fine," she groans and then lies back on my bed. The girl stares at the ceiling and then opens her mouth. "He doesn't get it."

"I don't get it either. Start at the beginning please," I interrupt before she could go further. Haruhi groans and then runs a hand through her hair.

"It started a couple of weeks ago when we went to the club. When you left us, after Tamaki was crying, he made me dance with him," she starts off and I move closer to her.

"He forced you?" I ask with a gravelly voice. Haruhi sees my dark expression and quickly shakes her head.

"No, he convinced me but I said yes," she reassures and I breathe out. Then I lay down next to her, wrapping Ritsu's jacket around me more tightly.

"So you danced and then what?"

"Well, he and I danced and it was, well, it was, different."

"Different?"

"I just mean, I normally don't do that kind of stuff. I felt, different," she says shakily and I turn to her slightly scared face.

"How did it feel?" I ask and she shrugs. I smile gently and figure she's kinda scared of what she's feeling. She doesn't understand herself just like how I don't know how I feel sometimes. "Go with your gut. Did it feel wrong?"

"No," she says quietly and then bites her lip. "I liked dancing with him. I felt, I think it was, I think I was extremely happy."

"Alright, so it felt good dancing with him. Now why is he stupid?" I lead her and she crosses her arms.

"He just doesn't understand that I don't want to take a trip for summer. Then he doesn't tell me what's bothering him when I know something's wrong. He thinks I'm an idiot and that I won't notice."

I can see the frustration in her eyes when she turns to me. She understands Tamaki more than anyone of us and I know that the boy is scared of some things. He is hiding how sad he might be but he wants to handle it on his own. In a lot of ways, Tamaki and I are similar because we don't want to worry people. Though, as Ritsu knows very well, we try to hide it to no avail. Haruhi will draw out Tamaki's sadness. I know it now and I know that they are falling in love. I can see it in their eyes when they look at one of another when they think they aren't going to get caught.

"Maybe he just doesn't want to worry you. He doesn't think you're an idiot. He just thinks he's doing the right thing," I offer and she throws her hands up into the air.

"But that doesn't mean he can lie to me about it," she yells and I nod.

"No, that isn't right. But have you considered that Tamaki is scared to tell you. People aren't as open as you think they really are."

"Yah but I **know** something is wrong! He should at least tell me."

"Why, because you're his friend?"

"Yes because I'm his friend!"

"But then why wouldn't he tell the rest of us. Maybe this is private," I argue and Haruhi sees the reasoning. She sighs and I continue. "I don't think the others will force or even see something is wrong with him. I had barely noticed and I'm supposed to be a trained expert in reading people."

"What are you saying Susan?" the girl asks in a tired voice. I smile like the Cheshire cat and can feel all anxiety slip away with our conversation.

"Maybe you two are something more than friends. I mean, you could very well **like** stupid Tamaki Suoh," I say softly and the girl sits straight up. She looks at me with a wild expression. Her eyes are wide and she doesn't believe me one bit.

"Don't be ridiculous," she squeals and I giggle.

The girl turns a red shade and I smile even larger. The girl then throws a weak punch for me to stop my grin. I laugh as she gets even redder and even her neck turns crimson. Rolling to escape her, I grab the chips to give them to the girl. Haruhi only begins a childish glare. I wave my hand to get her to stop but she only keeps her glare. While I wrap myself into Ritsu's scent more, I feel comforted by the jacket. Even miles away, the boy still manages to protect me.

"I'm just saying Haruhi. He isn't like at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to looks," I tease. The girl grabs a pillow and hits me in the face with it.

"Well Kyoya-senpai isn't that bad either. Now tell me why you two were arguing. Start at the beginning," she says haughtily and I moan into the pillow as I fall into the bed.

"So, he tried to kiss me last week and I told him, to not like me. Not that the boy could ever really like me," I start in haste. I have to get everything out before I lose my courage.

"But he **does** like you," Haruhi says matter of factly.

"He can't. We can never be together and I don't see him like that," I say frankly. Haruhi clicks her tongue and I turn to her to see a disapproving look.

"You just don't want to give him a chance because you're scared of falling in love," Haruhi chides and I shake my head. I sit up and put my knees under my chin. I play with Ritsu's sleeve and know I'm already in love.

"We can't be together because I am seeing someone else. It isn't fair to love someone else and then let Kyoya have a chance that isn't really a chance."

I love Ritsu. He's everything that I need. He understands my anxiety. He doesn't care that I'm someone society hates. The boy is willing to sacrifice himself to save me. I'm willing to do everything possible to keep him safe. He makes me feel safe and we watch children together. The boy doesn't make me do things that I don't want to, then he makes me happy. The boy makes me want to live life and not just be alive.

"Wait, what?" Haruhi shouts and I flinch with her voice. "You have a boyfriend? Since when?!"

"Please don't yell at me."

My voice is scared and Haruhi realizes her mistake. Her face is surprised and I turn from her. Maybe I shouldn't have told her. She's going to think I'm terrible. Maybe she's going to be like Kyoya and think I was only playing with the boy's emotions. I can swear to her and to Kyoya that I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but they won't believe me. They think I'm just a gangster. They don't believe criminals. Killers aren't supposed to be trusted.

"Sorry Susan, I was just surprised," she coos and I peek at her. "I'm happy you found someone. Now I know why you were so upset with Kyoya. He's been in such a foul mood and I figured it was because you told him no because he isn't in a gang. Not that you can't reject him or anything, but that you were just acting out of fear."

"No. I have apologized over and over to him, but he just keeps acting like it's my fault. I gave him a chance and he waited too long," I sigh and I feel terrible for loving Ritsu and hurting Kyoya. But I refuse to stop loving Ritsu.

"No Senpai, you can't help how you feel. It's no one's fault. You are entitled to happiness."

The girl's words reassure me and I nod to her. Just when I think we're going to continue our night, a knock on the door comes to my ears. Haruhi looks at me with a raised brow and I shrug. I get up and open the door to reveal a blonde. Tamaki stands in front of me with a very nervous look and he peeks around me to look at Haruhi.

"Hey Susan-chan. Can I talk to Haruhi?" he asks softly and I put one finger up. I close the door on the boy and then march to the bed. I grab Haruhi's arm to pull her out of my covers.

"Don't you do it Senpai," she mutters and I shake my head. I stand her up and hold her shoulders softly.

"I know you may not want to talk to the boy, but you can't avoid him. They don't go away. Boys are persistent and they will bother you until you get fed up and yell at them. You don't have to go out there if you really don't want to, but this isn't something that just disappears," I tell her calmly and the girl sighs deeply.

"What would you do?"

"Well Ritsu wouldn't go away and neither is Tamaki, so I would go out, let the boy talk me into something crazy. Afterwards I would immediately regret listening to him. Then I would ask myself why I love him and right after he would do something that would remind me, a lax period would follow and then the cycle would begin again," I rant as I watch Haruhi's curious expression.

The girl smiles with my story and then sighs once more. She nods and then grabs me to give me a hug. I allow her to touch me and she gathers me in her arms, my own arms going around her. The girl is so small in my arms and I squeeze her body in reassurance. She doesn't rile up my anxiety that much anymore. She is really my friend. The girl understands this and when I pull away from her I muss up her hair.

"Thank you," she tells me and I giggle.

"I live to serve," I laugh out. Tamaki knocks again and Haruhi scowls.

"Be patient!" she yells and I shake my head. My phone rings a moment later. I grab the thing from the nightstand and find its Ritsu. He's such a worry wart. Ah, but he's my worry wart.

"See. They never leave you alone," I tell the girl as I shake the phone in my hand. She rolls her eyes and walks out the room. I open the phone as the door shuts and put the thing to my ear. I put on a teasing voice, going to mess with the boy who is too worried. "Yes dear?"

"D-d-dear?" Ritsu stutters and I start to laugh with his stress.

"Sorry, just had to Ritsu," I reassure and the boy is silent. I check if he hung up on me but see that he hasn't. "Ritsu?"

"I'm glad you're having fun," he tells me and I can hear he's genuinely glad for me.

"I am and I promise to call you if something happens," I tell him and the boy grunts.

"I know. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That and I wanted to ask you if you like amusement parks. We can go on Saturday. Maybe take the kids if you want. They have a special with some tv show Shoyo likes," he tells me and I grin like a fool.

"Were you looking for stuff to do with the kids?" I ask happily.

"Well, not really. I was just looking at, well," he slows his words and I can hear the embarrassment in his voice.

"Date ideas?" I ask, taking a wild guess.

"Okay so I admit I was looking at stuff to do with you. I actually don't know what I'm doing when dating you so I need help," he says but there is a goofy tone to his voice. I can't help but laugh.

"Well it's not really holding you back. Like I told you, you have an A in the class," I tease and Ritsu snorts. My smile is large and I feel too happy to feel guilty and angry at Kyoya. "And yes I like amusement parks. We can take the kids, but only if you want to."

"Well, we can take them and then watch a movie. You still haven't seen any cheesy ones with me. We can watch them at the orphanage since my house is messy and Fu doesn't like me," Ritsu plans and I wrap myself in his jacket.

I can hear voices in the hall. As I move to the door, I can hear Ritsu's breathing. It calms my mind and I wish Ritsu was with me. He may have been opposed to me going on this trip but he also tells me why he didn't want me to come. Still the boy let me do what I wanted and he isn't being an ass about me going on the trip. He's happy that I'm having fun. I open my door to find the twins down the hall running around.

"That sounds great," I whisper into the receiver.

"Great. I'll see you when you get back. Have fun tomorrow," he urges and I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Alright. I'll see you soon."

The boy stays on the line a second longer than normal and I know he wants to say he loves me, but I'm too careful with saying the words out loud because I'm scared of my own feelings. He's just trying to make me feel better and probably doesn't want to rush into things. I could only hope it doesn't make him feel like I don't love him because I do love him. Am I even a good girlfriend? Fuck if I know.

"Who was that?" comes a voice from below me. I jump with the question turn to find Honey looking at me intently.

"It's someone," I tell the boy and his brown eyes give me a look. I'm reminded that in the small body is an extremely intelligent boy. Honey begins to smile but it's more of an evil smirk. I examine his eyes to find the gears in his head turning. That scares me slightly but it disappears with the twins popping up next to me.

"Susan-chan!" they yell and I start breathing hard. They're popping up and it doesn't really help. Mori also joins our group and when he sees my anxiety coming up, he pulls the twins back from me.

"She needs room," the boy says deeply and I nod my thanks. The large boy smiles softly and I feel worse with the reassuring face. He's too nice to me and I remember I'm wearing Ritsu's jacket. They're going to know something is wrong. I start hyperventilating and the twins decide to fix me.

"Come on. We're going to go exploring," they say and grab both of my arms. They drag me away as the cousins follow behind us. Honey starts laughing and I feel better with them trying to help me. My heart pounds but it feels light in my chest.

"Don't you guys know what's in this place?" I ask with a curious voice. Mori laughs behind me and the twins keep dragging me along. The two orange haired boys look back at me and give me a shit eating grin on identical faces.

"Hell no."

* * *

**Hey Everybody. Sorry for the late update. I don't want the stuff that I thought was going to happen to happen. It's too sad. I can't do it to Susan. **

**As always loves yous guys and follow, fave, review, obsess. **


	26. The Hope I Have in You

**Chapter Twenty-Six: The Hope I Have in You**

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"**You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one."**

― **John Lennon**

"**When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."**

― **Paulo Coelho, **_**The Alchemist**_

"**They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for."**

― **Tom Bodett**

* * *

It took about two hours for all of the girls to get to the beach for the host club event. In total there were thirty girls, one of whom was Homura. I had prepared myself for anything and was on attack mode since the first girl arrived. I wore a large knife on my thigh and carried a replica of Sally in my shoulder holster. I didn't bring any of my normal weapons because, well, sand sucks. But I was intimidating looking enough that the girls felt somewhat threatened by me, although you could see the relief of the bodyguards and parents who dropped them off at the mansion.

To my surprise parents were happy about the girl running around with a six inch knife strapped in a beretta. They told me to take care of their children and I would nod nonetheless to ease their anxiety. None of them saw my tattoo because of my choice of attire. I had short jean shorts to give me access to my knife and hooded pullover for my top. My hoodie was unzipped with a tank underneath and gave me a free range of motion with my gun. So I was totally prepared.

The girls were now on the beach with the host club and I watched them carefully. They may be crazy fangirls but they were happy. I was glad I could help protect them so that they could be as happy as they could. Some girls were playing volleyball with the twins and then there were girls hunting for seashells with the cousins. Tamaki and some girls were playing in the water. Haruhi was sitting under an umbrella with some other girls as they read a book.

Kyoya was somewhere that I couldn't see without leaving my vantage point. The boy was being ridiculous really. He would glare at me when he knew I was looking and when I wasn't he had this awful sad look on his face. I pushed away all the thoughts of how he might be angry because I knew that if I was going to be happy, I would have to get over hurting him. I couldn't kill myself all the time just for the boy when I should move on. At least that's what I told myself.

"Susan-chan!" Honey yells from his position in the sand.

I look at him from the wall leading to the mansion. The small boy comes to stand below me and holds up what looks like a starfish. The girls around him are staring in wonder and I smile gently at all of them through my gangster mode. Standing on the wall, I jump off the couple feet and land with a soft thud on the sand. In front of Honey, I examine the shells in his bucket.

"You've found a lot. Which one is your favorite?" I ask and then look at the girls. They're dressed in bikinis and they look at me shakily for a moment. When I smile a second time at them, they nod and become friendlier. Everyone reaches into their respective buckets and pulls out a shell. Most are beautiful but one girl pulls out a perfect sand dollar and I stare in fascination.

"You can have it," the girl says with a timid voice as she catches me looking at her hand. I shake my head but she pushes the shell towards me. "No, I have some more. You can have it."

"Thanks," I say happily as I nod.

My hands go out and the girl smiles largely with surprised eyes. She hands me the shell and I feel the smooth surface. It's creamy and feels just like it appears. The perfect circle takes in the light and I suddenly want to put the shell to my cheek. Instead I put it into my pocket and then go to my wall. I put my hands up and jump while pulling myself up.

I'm back on top of my wall and watch the group of shell hunters move to the right. There are cliffs and wading pools in the distance. Haruhi had said she wanted to go see the marine life. I told her that she could go later when the sun wasn't going to burn the shit out of her skin. Really I was scared she would get heat stroke because she had to wear more clothes to hide her girlish figure. The girl within my thoughts turns and waves at me as she points to the right.

I follow her finger and see Kyoya appearing with another girl. The girl wears a floppy hat similar to what I wore yesterday. The boy is smiling at the girl in a dreamy way and I feel angry all of a sudden. I know jealousy is rising up in me as Kyoya takes the girl's arm in his. The seething heat goes all the way to my hairline but I bite my lip. The boy looks up at me and I see him smirk at me. Turning away from him, I search the shore for Tamaki to be sure he's still okay.

As I find the blonde, he smiles at me and waves. I nod and wave back to him as I stand on my wall. My body stands straight as Kyoya turns the girl towards me and smirks once again. I can feel myself angry at the girl in his arms. But then I can see that the boy is enjoying my misery and I just feel cold. He wants to be petty and hurt me. He's enjoying making me angry. The boy isn't worth my heart if he doesn't want to make me happy.

Kyoya doesn't want me to be happy but Ritsu does. He's the only one who I should be angry with if he's with another girl. But Ritsu wouldn't be with another girl so I don't have to worry. That is why I am with Ritsu and not Kyoya. I love Ritsu so he's the only one that matters.

I walk back and forth on my wall as I slowly don't care about what Kyoya is doing. He's just being an asshole right now. I look over at him as he frowns with my attitude. The girl looks over with him and I see her face from below the hat. The girl is Homura and she smiles at me happily. I smile back at her, glad that even if Kyoya is being an ass to me, she's being treated nicely by Kyoya. At least Homura is having fun.

Just as I'm going to sit back down, someone is approaching my wall from the mansion. I look back to find a small butler hurrying to me. I had told him that he would have to let me handle anything weird. There must be something wrong. The man's face is nervous and I lower myself off the wall onto the patio. I meet the man and he catches his breath slowly as I wait for him to speak.

"There are some people who aren't on the list trying to get in," he breathes out and I nod stiffly.

"I'll take care of it. They're at the front door?" I ask as I unzip my sweater even more to reveal my gun.

The butler stares in fear at my weapon and I snap my fingers to wake him up. The small man in a black suit shakes his head to expel the unwanted feelings. I quickly take out my prized shell and hand it to him. He looks at me with a confused frown but I wait for him to tell me what he knows. He finally looks at me and begins to tell me what's wrong.

"They're at the door; I didn't let them in. There's four of them," he tells me shakily.

I smile a manic smile. Finally I get to do something fun. My legs carry me as I sway with power to the mansion. There's a bounce to my step as I enter the doors and my feet pad on the tile floor. My steps ring through the house with delightful dramatic flair. As I get closer to the front I wonder just who I am going to encounter. When I get to the front door, I open up and find four boys.

They stand in a cluster and I know they definitely aren't on the list. My arms cross over themselves as I examine each one quickly. One of them has longer brown hair in a ponytail and is dressed with a pink shirt and cargo shorts. His friend has short hair with a white sweater and black shorts. Under a closer examination I can tell that these two probably were the ones who wanted to get in but won't really do anything when the time came. That's good, but the others spell trouble.

The other two are the ones who worry me and they're dressed in jeans and matching red shirts. The only problem is that on their shirts is a diamond insignia with a line in the middle. The black daimon stares at me as I recognize the symbol as Yamaguchi-gumi. They're the largest yakuza out there and they have too many people for me to kill these guys and get away with anything. This is going to be tricky.

The taller of the two has short black hair and when he finds that I'm staring at his shirt, he smiles a creepy smile and puts his hand into the back of his pants. He has a gun, I just know it. Damn this isn't going to be good. There is no way I can wrap this up in a pretty little box without getting my hands dirty. The shorter one is thinner and he is the worst of them all. He's a couple years older than the rest of us and is not a fighter, but I can tell in his eyes, he's an underboss of some sort. I go into wary mode as I position myself on the frame of door. As I lean, I show them my gun with a shift of my sweater.

"What can I do for you boys?" I ask silkily and the one with brown hair comes forward.

He licks his lips as he gets closer and I smell alcohol. Great, he's half sauced. The boy puts his hand out to touch me and I bare my teeth with a roll of my lips. My snakebites are accentuated with the movement and the boy finally catches sight of my gun. His hand falls away and he steps back quickly. He's an idiot and probably not in a gang yet.

"We were wondering if you would invite us in," the tall red shirt boy says in a haughty tone. I smile sweetly and shake my head.

"Sorry boys, but it's a private party. I can't let you in," I tell them and the tall boy comes forward this time. He pulls the gun out of his waistband and I finger my knife. If it comes down to a fight, I can't get out without some wound. If I kill them unscathed, it would mean war for my syndicate and I can't do that. We won't win against the thousands of people this yakuza has on hand.

"Really sweetheart, because I'm sure we're on the list," he says as he comes closer. I allow him to enter my personal space and feel him lower his lips to my ear. "I can guarantee we'll all have a great time."

"As much as that sounds appealing to you, I have to insist that this is a closed party. You're not on the list and you aren't getting in this house," I reply with a frank tone.

My mind has warning bells as the boy puts his gun near my face. He does that annoying thing where they pet my cheek with the side of the pistol and I roll my eyes. He laughs with my attitude and the oldest boy pulls him back. The one who wants to show me a good time looks at his partner angrily and I smirk slightly with the reprimand. The leader then looks at me and I see he has his gun out too. They have never used guns before or else they wouldn't drag them out this soon. They aren't going to shoot me-well not yet that is.

"Can we speak with your boss? We're sure that he'll straighten everything out and you'll see that we're on the list," the leader says smoothly and I shake my head.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can't help you there either," I reply with a dark chuckle. I push myself off the frame of the door and have undone my knife with the movement. They don't seem to notice and I hold it tightly behind my back.

"I want to speak with the person in charge, not some little girl," the leader snarls and I know now that this temper is something I can work with. This is how I'm going to get him off the property. He's ignorant and on top of that reckless. This should be easy. I laugh again and the boy becomes angrier.

"You're speaking to the person in charge. Now leave before I call the cops. I doubt your boss will bail your ass out of jail. You don't seem like that important of a member," I jab and the boy stiffens with anger. He clutches his gun in his hand and I tilt my head as a large grin comes to my face.

We can't have a war therefore I can't kill them. If I let them in, that is a death sentence waiting to happen and there will still be a war. At least this way, I can get them off the property and then disappear from their radar. They don't know who I am. It's a good thing that I have this hood on because if they knew, everything would go to hell. God this is going to be so messy. Why did they even come and bother a damn host club?

"You better watch what you say. I would have you know I am boss," the leader replies and the vein in his neck pops out. I give him a confused face and then shake my head. I shake it more slowly as I stare at him and pop my lips.

"Nope. I would say you're only an underboss. You don't seem like the type to actually be put in charge. As it is, you're arguing with a little girl," I say with a sweet smile. I'm more calm about this than I should be but I can't get too scared. If I get scared, the guests will only die. That or something else might happen. I can't trust these guys.

"You little bitch," he swears and comes forward quickly.

The boy pulls his arm back for a punch but he's too small of a guy and isn't skilled in fighting. I seize the moment and dodge his punch quickly. I decide to get my gun out as my right hand holds my knife with a sweating palm. The boy turns around in slow motion and comes at me again as I dodge and trip him. He falls and the gun in his hand crashes to the ground. I kick it into the house as I point my gun at the other red shirt boy.

The moment isn't over and I have a foot on the leader's body, my bare appendage pressing into the back of his neck. Finally the boy who tried to seduce me earlier has his gun pointed at me but is also staring down the hole of another. There is silence and the boy under my foot tries to get up but I squeeze his neck harder, choking him. The boy under my foot stops struggling and the boy who is pointing a gun at me is breathing heavily. I show the boy my large knife in my right hand and then gesture to his friend under me.

"So this is what's going to happen. You're going to listen to my every word," I tell the boy who is shaking with his gun. I smile a manic smile and he shakes even harder as tears of frustration and fear come to his eyes. He's never been in a gun fight before. He's a virgin. Well, I guess it's time to pop this cherry for him. "I am going to not shoot you if you're smart and then let you go. So give me your gun."

"How do I know you're not going to shoot me anyways?" he squeals and I finally find the other two regular dressed boys are trying to get away. I hiss and they stop. Looking into the eyes of the one in front of me, I give him a creepy smile. He better follow my directions.

"You'll have to trust me. Now, you're going to give me your magazine and throw it to me. Then drop your empty gun to the floor and kick it to my hand," I order and when the boy doesn't move I just sigh.

I get my knife and lower myself to the floor exchanging my foot for my knee on the dude's neck below me. I put the knife behind the man's ear and push. The pain wakes him up from his passed out state and he starts to scream with fear and pain. I push into his flesh more and produce a great deal of blood. The man yells for me to stop but I stare into the other boy's eyes.

"Okay, I'm doing it," he says as he sees the blood gush down his friend's cheek.

I nod as the man below me struggles and only accomplishes him getting more cut; I place my knife back into the holster in time for my hostage to start crying. The virgin empties his gun and throws the magazine to me. He drops the gun to the floor and kicks it over to me. I grab it as I jump off the hostage quickly. Free, he races to get up and by the time he stands, I'm staring at them with the magazine back into the empty gun. I release the safety on it with a click and the four boys stand still as stone, one bleeding down his chin. I point both of the guns at the scared group and then huff.

"Now I'm going to let you guys go and you're going to never speak about this. I'm going to have some of my friends here and if you dare come back, my boss with castrate you faster than they can reload their shotgun," I threaten with a yell. The four boys nod over and over and then take off without another word.

I put my gun in its holster and the new one in my waistband. Reentering the house I find the butler looking at the gun I kicked inside. He holds it in his hands and I can see the fear in his eyes. I hold my hand out to him and he stares at me with disbelief. I give him a reassuring look and he nods with a gulp.

Then I gesture again and the butler stand unsure of my directions. He finally realizes I want my shell and hands it to me from his pocket. I take my shell and the gun and then go to my room. In my dresser I place both new weapons and shell. I clean my knife on a towel and then head out to find Kyoya. We're going to need more bodyguards. They'll no doubt be back. I really pissed them off.

My hand wipes my eyes as I realize that there is slight fear coming through my façade. That was too close of a call and I should have ended all four of them. I still might have a war on my hands if they find out who I am. They shouldn't know who I am though. They didn't see my affiliation and I even led them to think that I'm not boss. The fear makes me shiver and I wipe my cheek as I try to get the feeling of cold metal off my skin. It was too close.

Pushing everything down, I walk out to the beach and find there is light music flowing to the right. Haruhi is having fun dancing and Tamaki is looking at her from a distance. The two seem like strangers but for a moment, I can see that they're too similar and that there is something in the way Tamaki stares at Haruhi that is breathtaking. I smile at them and wrap my arms around me as I watch Tamaki walk away and turn his back. Haruhi turns around—seconds too late to catch the boy—and stares after Tamaki in a way that makes me smile even wider. She's worried about him. They are really perfect for each other.

"You can see it too," Kyoya says as he appears next to me.

I jolt slightly but continue to watch my friends—a concept that is still so foreign to think about. Tamaki finally looks around and the two people exchange a nod before they turn away. I tilt my head as I realize that they haven't realized what I can see so perfectly. Kyoya next to me shifts and I glance at him. He's looking at me just like Tamaki does to Haruhi. I give him a sad frown as I realize I don't look at him like Haruhi does her own boy.

"I have seen it for a little while," I murmur and feel a breeze rush past me. The air ruffles my hood and I push a strand behind my ear. Kyoya doesn't say a thing and I feel awkward through my mask of emotions. I bite my snake bite and clutch myself harder. "You need to get some more bodyguards. We had an incident."

"What kind of incident?" Kyoya asks shakily and I breathe in deeply through my nose.

"The kind that comes and bites you in the ass," I reply and Kyoya shifts uncertainly. "There were some guys that wanted to get in. I told them it was a closed party and they didn't leave. It would have been fine, if they hadn't been some of Yamaguchi's goons. I took their weapons but they're going to hold a grudge."

"I'll call some of my family's private police," he states as he gets his phone out. He dials out and I realize that I'm going to have to call Ritsu. This might constitute 'something happening'. But I can call him tonight after I've dealt with everything. I can't afford to call him and start feeling things when I still have my job to do.

"I'm going to go patrol," I tell Kyoya as I take notice of what time it was. It was still early as the clock on my phone says 1:34. I just have to keep everyone safe until six and then I can call Ritsu. I sigh as I now he's going to freak out. I just hope that he has nothing to freak out about.

* * *

It was going pretty well; well maybe I was in gangster mode longer than I had ever been, but that was okay—at least I think I was okay. All of the girls were starting to be picked up and the perimeter was locked down. When Kyoya's police got here, I debriefed them and then sent them out to secure the area. The sun was starting to lower itself into the ocean and I had kept an eye on some girls with the twins. Tamaki and Kyoya were on the other side closer to the mansion with fifteen girls. I didn't worry about them because they were surrounded by police.

There was only one person I didn't have eyes on. Haruhi had wanted to hunt for more shellfish so I sent two officers with her. I chose to stay behind to watch over the larger area. I figured that I would handle the larger area with quicker thinking than a police officer who runs on protocols and procedures. But something felt wrong all of a sudden. My skin was getting cold and goosebumps were forming on my neck.

"Susan-chan, do you like crab?" Honey asks as he bounds to me. I open my arms and Honey jumps as I grab him. As I hold the small boy, I put him on my back and keep watching the girls splashing the twins.

"Yes I do like crab. My Pa was always more in favor of lobster though," I tell the boy.

Honey giggles as Mori stands next to me. There's something wrong with this picture. I can't figure it out though. After several long moments I finally figure it out. There were two officers who were standing closer to us than I would advise. I look at them and can see that they're just talking with their coffee in their hands. The officers mingling were dressed in civilian clothing and they had been given food a little while ago—they hadn't eaten when they were sent here.

I look at Mori and he examines me with a blank face. As he finds my uneasiness he takes his cousin from me. Free from the small boy, I walk over to the two officers. They look at me without a second glance, continuing their prior conversation. I wait for them to acknowledge me but it is clear that they aren't going to look at me.

"Excuse me," I interrupt loudly and both men sigh and then turn to me with a dirty look. "Why aren't you watching Haruhi?"

"We are," one says with a disgusted tone. They give me even dirtier looks at my angry scowl.

"Well I don't see her so obviously you can't also. Haven't you been taught to guard?" I hiss and the men scoff. I hold myself back from strangling the officers. They go back to their conversation and I look at them with a disgusted look. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Our problem?" one officer laughs and then they turn to me. Their eyes bore into me and I could kill them I'm so enraged. My body is blindingly hot and the men just laugh more.

"We have no problem. You're the problem. Dirty bitch gangsters shouldn't be anywhere near any of us. You're not anywhere important or decent enough of a human to even breathe our air," the other officer tells me venomously.

I clench my hands into fists and push my way through them. They laugh even more and I'm so close from just putting a bullet in their knee so they can never walk without a pathetic limp. Instead of fulfilling my dark thoughts, I run through the sand to Haruhi. I should have made sure she was protected. I should have been the one who was with her. I only run faster when I see too many bodies near a rock high up.

"This is a private party. You can't be here," I hear a girl's voice say.

I find Haruhi running up the rock and I pump my legs harder. The panic runs through me as anger mixes with fear. I'm hot and cold and delirious. As I get up the rock I find Haruhi standing with the three girls. They're faced up against four familiar faces. The cops didn't listen to me. They left holes because of some petty thinking that they shouldn't listen to the gangster. Now I have to fix everything.

"Woohoo," the brown haired boy slurs. He's too drunk as he comes towards me. "Look at the bitch. She's back."

"Haruhi, take the girls and get out of here," I order and the girl doesn't move. I run and push the four girls in back of me. The guests run off but Haruhi remains, pushing her way to my side.

"I'm not leaving you," she whispers but the two boys in red shirts are reaching for their guns. I draw mine and pull one of the ones I took from them. With the two guns pointed at them, I step in front of Haruhi.

"For god's sake Haruhi, get out of here. Go," I yell but the person behind me doesn't leave my side. I turn around as the guys in front if me click their guns as they release the safety. "Go!"

Haruhi is scared but she stands steadfast. I can feel panic at having someone I have to protect with me while guns are out. I am overcome by fear and I know it's showing on my face. I have to protect her but the girl isn't listening. I look back at the other gangsters and they smirk with bold smiles. The alcohol is making them brave. They point their guns at me and I sneer at them. The whole not waging a war goes out the window as I become protective of my friend.

"Oh look at her. I think she's scared," the tall gun wielder remarks. I take a step forward and he laughs. "You must be scared shitless. You should be, you fucked up my buddy's ear pretty good."

"That was your own fault. I told you to listen," I hiss and the boss begins to walk forward. I tilt my gun and smile manically to intimidate him. It doesn't work very well. "Your ear isn't going to be the only thing fucked you if you come closer."

"You better be careful sweetheart. There's four of us and only one of you," the guy tells me as he tilts his head and reveals a bandaged ear.

I know that I'm just waiting until the girls who left find the other officers. Though it doesn't calm me when the leader starts to close the distance between us. He's ten feet away now and I know if I shoot them, I'm just going to get hit and Haruhi is going to be put in the crossfire. That's too dangerous and I have to use myself as bait for him. I put my hands up and the leader stops.

"I know. Let me make you a deal," I offer and the boss smirks.

Haruhi reaches out and grabs my hoodie. I don't look at her as the boss comes closer. He stands before me and puts his gun in his waistband. He grabs mine and tosses the weapons into the ocean. My blood is ice as he looks at Haruhi and laughs. But he doesn't touch her as he grabs me and I am yanked away with great force. Officers show up a second too late and I'm already a hostage. They have guns all around and the boss turns me around and holds me by the neck.

He chokes me and a gun makes it way to my temple. I feel an eerie calm come over me as I count six officers. They grab the other three boys but my captor backs up. Haruhi looks at me and I know she's wondering what just happened. I can only say that I gave myself up to protect her. Now I remember why I didn't want friends. It's too hard to protect them.

"Come closer and I put a bullet in her brain," the man holding me screams. He takes my hood off with the gun and I shiver. The guy gasps and then chuckles. His mouth nips at my ear and he sniffs my neck. Goosebumps go through my body and I pray he doesn't lick me. His voice lowers in my ear and the officers look scared for me. "You didn't tell me you were Dojin-kai's bitch."

"You never asked," I reply in a dark voice and the leader walks backwards some more. I look at the police officers who don't seem to know what to do. They finally look concerned with their job though. Glancing at the man I see the edge of the rock. Turning back, I smile at them as I find my way out. It might kill me but I won't die by another's hand.

"Weapons down," the boss screams in my ear.

"Susan," Haruhi cries out as the officers lower their weapons.

She has tears streaming down her face and I smile at her. I mouth 'it's okay' and she shakes her head. Then I headbutt the guy who has started to sniff my neck once again. He staggers back and clutches his nose as he points the gun at me. I run and miss a bullet that he fires too far left. Then as I tackle him, we fly over the cliff and into the cold ocean.

We hit the water and barely miss sharp rocks. As I open my eyes in the salt water, I see my attacker doing the same. He comes closer to me and his hands go to my neck. I'm too slow and my mouth opens as I try to breath. I can't swim well and I scratch at the man's hands in a futile attempt to get away. But as I think I'm going to die, I remember my knife. Quickly reaching for it, I begin to see spots. I pull it off and then thrust it into his gut.

The hands are gone and I swim up quickly. I hit the surface and take in gulps of air into my lungs. I float as a wave tries to push me under. I bob over it and fill my lungs. I don't get enough oxygen when I get dragged down. My foot is clutched and I kick at the man. He grabs my neck again but this time, I slice his throat. Blood flows up into the water and I bob up to air. I close my eyes as I get to the surface and hold back the tears. That was too close.

I wail into the ocean and the sea swallows my cries. The waves push me to the surface and I abandoned my knife into the rocks. When my feet finally hit the sandy floor and the waves knock me over, Kyoya is running to me. He races into the water and I wipe my eyes with sandy hands. As he opens his arms, I push him away.

Is Haruhi okay? The bullet didn't hit me and I need to know that it missed her too. My legs are jelly and I see the girl coming to me. My body shivers as I feel the cold enter into me. Haruhi grabs hold of me and I grasp at her to feel she's whole and intact. Relief washes over me and the last of gangster mode disappears completely.

"Susan you're alright. I'm so glad you're okay," the girl says into my wet shoulder. I nod as I shake and then hold her away from me. She's crying and I hate the fear in her eyes. She should have listened to me.

"You should have listened to me," I tell her and she shakes her head. I finally realize what I've done and the consequences of my actions. I give her a hysterical look and then explode. "I may have a war on my hands because I killed a boss. You don't understand. For protecting you, I have put my own gang at risk. You should have listened to me."

"I didn't want to leave you," she wails and I let her go. She doesn't understand. Fear turns into anger and I step away from her.

"You're not protecting me. You put me in harm. Next time you listen to me. You don't understand these things Haruhi. You don't understand what I've done!" I yell and the others come closer to us.

"I don't understand but I'm not going to leave you alone to get killed," Haruhi argues fiercely and I shake my head.

She isn't listening. I push past her and go towards the mansion as the sun starts to set. Everything has gone to shit and what for? Because stupid cops and then Haruhi don't listen to a damn word I say. As I enter the house, I track in water through the tile floors. I can hear Haruhi and the others behind me but I don't acknowledge them. Instead, I head to my room and lock the door behind me.

Next to my room, the door slams and I hear talking. I slide down the wall as tears come to my eyes. That was too close. I can't go out on my own to guard. I need my own backup because no one can protect me while I protect everyone. No one had my back. Ritsu should have come or the cousins or Fu or Kou. I needed someone. These people are my friends but they don't understand what has to be done.

And now, I've screwed my own friendship with Haruhi. All because I got scared. All because I didn't explain to her why I said the things I did. I have to fix things with her. She can't be unhappy. I was only trying to protect her. But everything is upside down and I need someone. I need Haruhi—my friend. I need Ritsu—my protector. I need someone.

Grabbing my phone from the nightstand, I trudge myself to my connecting door. My clothes stick to me they're so soaked and the salt is starting to itch between the sand. Gaining the courage to open the door, I dial Ritsu. As I open the door, I hear the sixth ring. Ritsu doesn't answer and it goes to voicemail.

"Hey, can you call me when you get this. Thanks," I say into the receiver. Closing the phone, I open Haruhi's connecting door and enter her room. "Haruhi, I'm sorry about what I said. I was just really scared and I—"

Words are lost as I find Haruhi underneath another body. They're on the bed and Kyoya looks at me from his position. They, I, what is happening? Haruhi pushes against Kyoya and he doesn't budge. Memories flood through my shattered mind. Kyoya seems scared but it's only when Haruhi whispers to get off and the boy just keeps staring at me.

I blink and I'm suddenly in a little brownstone in New York. I feel helpless and I open my eyes to shadowed light—darkness infiltrating reality. My body moves on it's own and I'm suddenly strangling Kyoya as he's pinned against the bedroom wall. The boy scratches at my hands and Haruhi tries to pull me off him.

"Susan, please stop," Haruhi demands and I drop Kyoya to the floor.

I back away slowly and feel like nothing is real. I feel so small and helpless. Running out of the room, I feel so dirty and cold. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know. As I enter my room, all my doors are locked and then there's a phone ringing. My brain just has my eyes stare at the metal and I finally convince my finger to answer.

"Hey babe, you okay?" Ritsu asks and I waddle to the bathroom. Small things are hard. My brain is so fuzzy all of a sudden. I bite my lip and lean against the doorframe, staring at the sink.

"Can you come?" I ask softly. My voice doesn't even sound like my own. My mind is swimming and the memories are taking over. I start the shower. I'm dirty. I'm so dirty.

"Susan, what's going on?" Ritsu asks quickly. I sit on the tile floor and I feel so cold and dirty.

"I just need you. Ritsu, can you come please?" I beg. I'm scared. I'm dirty. I'm cold. I'm dirty. I need someone.

"I'll be there in a couple hours. I'm coming right now. I'll bring Tetsuya and Kou. I'm coming right now. Hang on, I'm coming. Just hang on," he tells me and I start crying. My mind is just dark and dirty and cold. "I love you and I'll be right there. I'll be right there."

"Thank you."

Did I even say those words?

"I love you Susan; I'll be right there. Hang on."

* * *

Ritsu was terrified when he got a call from Susan. He had talked to her the day before and she sounded so happy. But the voice that called him tonight was anything but happy. Susan sounded tired and just, well, broken. She sounded scared and that terrified Ritsu. He didn't press Susan to tell him what was wrong over the phone and his worry only escalated on the ride to the place.

He brought Tetsuya and Kou with him because he knew that Kou would make Susan feel more comfortable than anyone else. He made Tetsuya come because he was the only one with a license he could trust with Susan. Ritsu had packed some of his stuff just in case and on the way to the coast, it began to rain. The boy hated the rain but as he stared out the car window, he contained the rest of his anger for the person who hurt Susan. Ritsu didn't want to admit it, but he brought a gun just in case he wanted to do something drastic.

"We're here," Tetsuya announced as the car rolled to a stop in front of a large house. Ritsu jumped out and Kou joined him as they walked to the front door. Ritsu rang the doorbell with a jab that was too hard for the poor button. He waited a couple of seconds before he pushed the button again. He would have done it a third time had the door not opened to reveal a small butler. The man took one look at him and froze.

"I need to see Susan," Ritsu states in a harsh tone, emotions running high. He was sure his face screamed murder but he didn't care. He had to make sure Susan was alright.

"Who are you and what business do you have with Crea-san?" the butler asks and Ritsu pushes against the door. The man gulps and Ritsu forces his way in.

"She's my girlfriend. She called me to come get her. Now show me to her room," Ritsu commands. The man looked like he was going to shake his head but Ritsu grabs his collar. The redhead shook the man by the neck and looks down at him furiously. "It wasn't a suggestion. Now show me her room."

"Of course," the man yelps through the boy's grip.

Ritsu releases him and he scurries off to lead the way. Kou follows him and Tetsuya has joined them with a couple of bags in his hands. They follow the man in a black suit and he leads them down various halls. The group can hear voices coming from what would be a common room area, but they pass it to find themselves in front of quiet door.

"Crea-san," the butler calls as he knocks lightly on the door. Ritsu huffs and gestures the man away. The boy knocks harder and waits for an answer. He knocks a second time, harder still.

"Susan, it's me. Open the door," Ritsu calls out.

He receives no answer and worry flows through him. He puts his ear to the door and can hear the faint sound of running water. Is she showering? She started the water when he called her three hours ago. Why is the water still running? Ritsu is going to break down the door but Kou's voice holds him back.

"Do you have a key to the room?" the boy asks the butler. The man nods and then pulls out a ring of keys. He goes through the selection and picks one a rusty gold color. Putting the key into the lock, the door opens and Ritsu barges in. Sure enough the water of the shower was still running and he notices the bathroom door is partially ajar.

"Susan, you okay?" Ritsu calls as he approaches the sound of running water. The boy no longer cares about social etiquette as he looks into the bathroom.

The sight before him makes his blood turn to ice. Susan is fully clothed and shivering under the stream of water. Ritsu works quickly as he grabs a towel and hurries to turn off the water. Kou follows him in and Ritsu pulls the glass door open as he puts the towel around Susan. He pulls her out of the shower and she doesn't say a word. The redhead looks at her and her eyes don't look at him. Instead she seems to be comatose as he places her to sit on the toilet.

"Susan-sama, what's wrong?" Kou asks. The boy is in her face and clutches her cheeks. He pulls his hands back just as Ritsu grabs another towel. "She's freezing."

"Get her dry clothes. Something warm for her," Ritsu instructs. Kou nods shakily as Susan doesn't respond. The boy hurries off and Tetsuya comes to his young lord's side.

"Do you want me to call a doctor?" the older boy asks and Ritsu is unsure. He shakes his head and Tetsuya nods. The blonde stares at the gang lord in confusion and worry. Kou returns with clothes and Ritsu tries to stand Susan up. The girl barely can hold her own weight and is icy to the touch. Her body shivers as it tries to regain body heat. She's been under the cold water for too long.

"Help me get her dressed Kou. Tetsuya go have the butler find us rooms. I don't think we can move Susan in this state," Ritsu barks out.

His request comes out scarier because of the fear and Tetsuya shies away. Kou stays and starts to take off Susan's hoodie. He throws the article into the sink and Ritsu puts up a towel as Kou takes off her shirt and replaces it with a single t-shirt. He then takes off her pants and replaces everything as Ritsu stares at the growing pile of clothes. The redhead wonders just what happened to the girl as Kou finishes his task.

"We need to dry her hair," the boy tells Ritsu.

The redhead nods and the other boy takes off to get a hair dryer. Ritsu then kneels in front of his girlfriend and rubs her arms in an attempt to warm her up. She stares at him blankly and he pitifully places the strand of loose hair behind her ear. She blinks as he touches her piercings and Ritsu is glad for the simple action. She'll be fine. Ritsu grabs her face and puts his forehead to hers, his body shivering with how cold she is.

"Susan," Ritsu whispers desperately. The girl rolls her lips and Ritsu continues trying to wake her up. "Susan it's me. I'm here. Talk to me. Come on, wake up. I'm here. I'm sorry I took so long but I'm here."

The girl's eyes close and then flutter open. Ritsu watches her carefully and moves his hands to rub her back. Green eyes finally light up with life and Ritsu doesn't remove his forehead. He stares into the eyes that he can never quite picture in his imagination because memories are never as good as the real thing. Ritsu doesn't realize it but he's been holding his breath, but he finally releases it when Susan speaks.

"Ritsu," the girl croaks. Her voice is hoarse but Ritsu is so happy to hear it. Susan looks at Ritsu worriedly and licks her lips. "I'm cold."

"I know. We're going to get you warmed up right now. When Kou gets back, we're going to dry your hair. Okay?" Ritsu asks her and the girl nods as she slowly pulls away. Kou enters the room moments later and Susan processes his presence slowly. The boy sees she's responding and rushes to her. As he opens his arms for an embrace, Susan stiffens and shakes her head. Tears start to spring up and Kou doesn't touch her.

"Susan-sama, what's wrong?" Kou asks but the girl can only shake her head. The young boy is emotionally wounded but is more concerned with Susan's tears. Ritsu takes over as he places a hand on the boy's shoulder. The blue haired boy is almost in tears and the redhead squeezes his shoulder tighter.

"It's okay. Go find Tetsuya. I'll take care of her," he says softly, his voice contrasting with his scary face. Kou suddenly hugs the boy and Ritsu tentatively pats his back. "She'll be fine. She's just scared right now. Get some rest and you'll see her in the morning. She'll need you then."

"Okay," the boy garbles into the other's chest. Kou releases the redhead and runs out the door in a flash. Ritsu turns back to Susan and she's trying to stand.

"Sit down so I can dry your hair," Ritsu tells her as he plugs in the dryer. The girl shakes her head but Ritsu already has the dryer on and his hand in her hair. Susan sits with a huff and Ritsu messily shakes her hair as the hot air begins to dry the black locks. Susan stares at the boy through the mirror and Ritsu concentrates on not burning his girlfriend with a machine he's only used once in his life. The whole episode ends in ten minutes and Ritsu sets the dryer down.

"I'm still cold," Susan whispers.

Ritsu takes off the hoodie he is wearing, revealing a black shirt. He places the warmed jacket over Susan's head and dresses her in it. The sleeves are too long and Ritsu puts the hood over her head, only for her to put it down. The girl looks at him with almost dead eyes and he puts his hand on her cheek. The girl allows him to touch her and he strokes the bone in her cold face as she stares up at him.

"Let's get you in bed," Ritsu remarks and then lowers himself to the girl. He picks her up bridal style and she airs no complaints. The boy carries her into the dark bedroom that is illuminated only by the lightning of the storm.

"It's raining?" Susan asks as she stares out the window. Ritsu nods and takes her closer to the window. The sea outside is turbulent and Susan watches the lightning strike the water in the distance. Ritsu finally worries too much to not ask Susan questions and he holds her tighter.

"What happened?" he asks and Susan doesn't move. The girl only looks out and shivers in his hold. "Susan, please tell me what happened. I want to make sure you're safe."

"I'm safe with you. Nothing bad will happen if you're here. No one will rape me if you're with me," the girl says in a dull voice. Ritsu's brain catches up a moment later with the word rape. He crushes the girl into him.

"Who did it to you?" he hisses.

The girl turns and her eyes are glazed over-she's finally regaining life. Ritsu wants to yell and scream and strangle the person who hurt his Susan. He is close to losing it but Susan's hand goes to his cheek and pushes a hair behind his ear. He calms with her touch but the need to maim is still there. Ritsu walks over to the bed but doesn't yet place her in it.

"When I was little a lot of people did it to me. My foster parents rented me out so they had money for drugs. I don't like remembering about it. It hurts and I get scared and feel dirty and helpless. But it hasn't happened since then," she says quietly. The girl turns away and mutters something that Ritsu doesn't catch.

"What was that last part Susan?" he prods. He was sure that she didn't want him to hear it. Susan doesn't answer for quite a while but with Ritsu shaking her slightly, she turns back to him. Her expression is heartbreaking. She looks so scared.

"I said, you can leave me. I know I'm spoiled goods," she announces strongly to his surprise. The girl looks like she's trying to distance herself from the sentence but it hurts her. Ritsu can see her pain the way she cringes after the word 'spoiled'. But Susan couldn't be more wrong. Ritsu would never give her up. He loves her with his entire being and nothing could ever change that.

"I'm never going to leave you, so don't ever say shit like that again. You're beautiful and I love you. There is nothing wrong with you and I want to be with you," Ritsu rants angrily. The girl in his arms is surprised by his words. He can identify the blush in her face and feels his own face get hot. Susan nods and wipes at tears that threaten to spring up.

"I love you too and I won't leave you either," she promises with a whisper.

Ritsu nods as he's sure of himself and pulls back the covers of the bed. He places his girlfriend in the folds and then covers her up. He realizes he needs to know her triggers for these memories but decides to ask her later. He stares at the girl and strokes her cheek as he prepares himself to leave her side.

"I'll be with Kou and Tetsuya. Do you want me to—"

"Stay," Susan interrupts. The girl blushes quickly as she gains life. It feels almost as if a burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Ritsu stares at her in slight disbelief but nods. He looks around to pull up a chair but Susan grabs his wrist. "I'm cold."

"I'll get you another blanket," Ritsu rushes but Susan squeezes his arm harder. He looks down at her as she pulls him to the bed. He gets the idea but shakes his head. "Susan are you sure? You don't have to force yourself to do this. I'm not leaving you."

"I know," she replies as she bites her lip. She's unsure now but after a moment which Ritsu identifies as her inner debate, she looks at him with a determined stare. "I want you to just sleep with me. I don't want you to go."

Ritsu guffaws as he blushes deeply. He looks around and finds his bag on a chair. He nods as he Susan releases him carefully. The boy goes to his bag and takes out basketball shorts. Susan watches him from the bed but when she realizes he's changing, she pulls the covers over her head. Ritsu removes his jeans with shaking hands and puts the shorts on in record time. The boy can feel his heart trying to leap out of his chest and his lungs trying to collapse with nervousness.

He folds his clothes neatly and then goes back to the bed. For some odd reason, Ritsu feels more nervous than when she made him stay after the club. Susan peeks from beneath the blankets and has a small smile gracing her lips. Ritsu realizes he's nervous because this time, she isn't drunk and really is choosing him. Ritsu smiles gently at her as he pulls the covers open. Susan scoots over and Ritsu plops onto the bed. Covers are repositioned and Ritsu lays away from his girlfriend.

"Can I have a pillow?" he asks as he looks at Susan. The girl shakes her head.

"We only have one," she replies with an embarrassed tone. Ritsu nods, ears burning with his own embarrassment. He looks at Susan and the girl gestures him towards her. "Come here. I have an idea."

"Alright," Ritsu whines snd Susan laughs.

Ritsu stares at her for a second as he remembers how beautiful her laugh is. The girl giggles harder and pulls the boy's arm under the covers. Ritsu moves towards her and she places the pillow for both of them. Ritsu puts his arm under it out of habit and Susan turns to face the same direction looking toward the illuminated window. She pulls the arm she was clutching over her and wraps it around her waist.

Ritsu stiffens as she gets closer to him. His head is spinning and his heart pounds. The butterflies bat against his stomach and he is hot all over. It doesn't help that Susan is still cold either and makes him want to move closer to warm her up. She settles when her back is against his chest and Ritsu dares not move. He's still for several minutes before Susan starts to laugh again. His chest rolls with the rumble from her back.

"It's okay to breathe Ritsu. I don't want you to die," she exclaims. Lightning illuminates the room and Ritsu sees her red ears. She's nervous too. Ritsu feels oddly comforted. He curls his arm tighter around her and moves his body closer to her.

"Like you would let me die," he snorts. Susan laughs again at his joke and puts her arm around his. She gets quiet and they settle into a comfortable silence.

"I love you. Even if I don't say it Ritsu, I really do love you," Susan says into the dark room. Ritsu finally closes his eyes.

"I know. I love you too," he replies as Susan breathes out, relieved by his words.

Then they both fall asleep with smiles on their faces while the storm rages outside. And this is precisely when they became each other's hope-hope for a happy future.

* * *

**Hey everybody! So I kinda did what I wanted to do in this chapter. The truth is that I am sleep deprived and filled with nothing but coffee and I'm stressed with finals. I almost uploaded my Shakespeare paper I am so tired. I hope (haha) that you all have a good thanksgiving if you're like me in America. If not, a happy weekend and to everyone with exams, good luck. p.s. I really need to get a boyfriend. p.p.s I don't think I actually do and I just need another pillow and blanket on my bed. Review if you like this chapter. At this point in time, I'm just spinning the 'what haven't I tried writing about' wheel and then doing that.  
**

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys**


	27. Ending Kisses for Unsure Beginnings

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Ending Kisses for Unsure Beginnings**

* * *

"**The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss." **

― **Jarod Kintz, **_**It Occurred to Me**_

"**No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!" **

― **C. JoyBell C.**

* * *

It took me a moment or two to actually realize that there was someone in my bed. As I feel the arm wrap around my waist tighter, I remember all of what happened last night. I remembered too many things and I called Ritsu. I was, the memories, they took over me and I was just reliving everything even though I couldn't move. Ritsu found me in the shower and then we went to bed. Ritsu is in the bed. There is a boy in my bed. What was I thinking?

I breathe in quietly as I try to turn around to see Ritsu. The boy is breathing steadily and I could only figure that he was still asleep. I turn to face him and find that he is indeed still asleep. His eyes are closed and I examine his face without the embarrassment of him knowing. His eyelashes are almost the same color as his eyes but are a different color from his red hair and eyebrows. His bone structure is strong and I can see a spot in his eyebrow that doesn't grow hair. He must have fell when he was a kid or something and hair just doesn't grow there.

His nose is sharp and unlike mine that has a slight crook at the top, it is straight as an arrow. His cheeks are almost nonexistent but he has frown lines gathering at his mouth. He needs to smile more or else he's going to have wrinkles by the time we're thirty. His chin is sharp but is also squared at the end. I raise my left hand from his hold and he pulls me into him. My face is inches from his and I smile as he grumbles in his sleep.

When he's stopped talking, I push his hair back. It's come undone from the band he had last night and is as messy as mine. His hair is actually a bit longer than mine right now, but it suits him. My hand goes from his hair as I examine his lips. The boy had nice lips-well as nice as lips could be on a person. The bottom is stuck in an eternal pout while the top is stuck with an eternal scowl. I put my finger to trace the outline and notice they're soft. I try to hold in the giggles as I realize he must have been applying chapstick by the boatloads to not have me say they're chapped.

Attempting to hold in the humor of the boy, I bite my lip and put my arm back down to push my own hair back. It is tangled and I remember that Ritsu dried my hair. He must have forgot to brush it out after he dried it. I smile at him as I close my eyes to go back to sleep. Ritsu tried so hard to make me comfortable and even though it wasn't perfect, I wouldn't have anyone else but him. Just when I think I might fall asleep, I feel Ritsu squirm and I feel a hand in my hair.

Ritsu plays with some strands and I attempt to let him have this moment. But when his hands go to my piercings and I know he's looking at them in fascination, I start to smile. The boy's fingers are somehow cool and he traces the piercings. I get a funny feeling in my stomach as he begins to tickle me with his actions. Ritsu freezes and I hear him swear under his breath. Finally, my body can't take anymore and I open my eyes and start laughing.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry," Ritsu sputters nervously.

His face is panicked and I smile lovingly at him through my laughter. The boy tries to run away and leave my side but I continue to laugh as I grab his shirt. Ritsu must finally realize that I'm not angry at him and he starts to laugh also. I rest my arm over his chest as we both laugh like complete fools. When we finally stop laughing, I have to catch my breath and my cheeks hurt so much. But I can't stop smiling. Ritsu huffs and then his arm curls around my body. He brings me closer and I have my head on his shoulder and my arm over his chest.

"Why did you freak out? I don't mind you doing that," I tell the boy softly and feel his steady breathing under me. Ritsu's free hand comes across and enters into my hair. He places his fingers and combs my hair back as he tries to fix my bangs.

"Are you sure?" he whispers and I roll my eyes.

"I don't mind. It's actually kind of soothing when it doesn't tickle," I tell him and look up to the boy.

My chin rests over his heart and Ritsu looks down at me. He turns slightly red and I join the shade as I wonder how we would look to the world. I put my head down and realize that I don't care what the world thinks of us. Ritsu's hand doesn't stop and with the motion, I feel like I am going to fall asleep. For a moment I close my eyes but when Ritsu shifts me closer, I know something is wrong. It's a good thing the boy never has problems talking with me.

"Can we talk about yesterday?" he treads carefully.

I breathe in sharply and consider my options. Its scares me that I have told Ritsu so much about myself and he still remains by my side. The fact also remains that I feel better with knowing someone has learned my dirty little secrets. I feel safe with Ritsu. I can lay in his arms and believe that I could put everything bad that has happened behind me. For a moment, I feel like the person he sees me as and not the product of countless beatings and murders and rapes.

"We can but if I can't—"

"I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do," Ritsu interrupts as his hand stops on my hair. I open my eyes and look up at the redhead. I put my hand on his cheek and then tap the tip of his nose. He blinks and then smiles a loose smile.

"And that's why you're kinda awesome," I tell him as I return to my pose before.

Ritsu can only chuckle and I blush as I realize I really love his laugh. I snuggle my face further into his shoulder and inhale deeply. The boy smells so good and my heart beats erratically. He smells like trees and slight like fading generic guy soap he must use. My face is hot as it hits me that I'm smelling my boyfriend. Like that is not creepy at all. God, I am such a weirdo.

"What triggered you?" the boy asks as softly as he could possibly voice. It's like he's trying not to spook me. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to tell him everything.

"Yesterday four guys showed up at the front door. They were trying to get into the party. I was called, let them down but they were part of Yamaguchi-gumi," I tell Ritsu. The boy stiffens and I know he's trying to reign his emotions. He's getting pissed at himself for me getting hurt. "It would have been fine if they had been anyone else from the gang but we had the underboss in the group."

"I should have come with you," Ritsu growls out and I slap his chest. He grunts with my hit and the boy silences.

"Listen to the story," I chide. I prepare myself to go on and find that Ritsu is starting to pet my hair. I smile faintly and grow courage. "I kicked them out after almost cutting the boss's ear off. I knew he would come back so I had Kyoya get his family's police and I thought that with them I had it covered."

"They didn't listen to you did they?" he asks. Ritsu is sometimes too damn smart. I nod against the boy's body and his chest rises with anger. "I am going to talk to this boy and tell him that his police force is shit. They didn't have your back."

"No they didn't but I shouldn't have trusted them with Haruhi. I figured I would watch the larger group and send two with her. They didn't do it and the guys came after the smaller group. Haruhi didn't listen when I told her to run and I ended up trading myself to protect her."

"You didn't Susan," Ritsu whines and I lick my lips.

"I did. It was the only option," I argue pathetically. Ritsu groans and I know he doesn't approve. "We went over the cliff and I, well, it was me or him."

"But it was an underboss. What does that mean?" Ritsu wonders and I groan. Rubbing my eyes with my hand that was clutching the boy, I know I have to call Kou and have him take care of it.

"It means we have to tread carefully and Kou has to do some recon before we leave. But uh, well," I stumble over my words. Ritsu squeezes me and I listen to Ritsu's heartbeat. He's nervous about what I'm going to stay. His heartbeat matches my own. "What caused it was later, when I yelled at Haruhi that she should have listened to me. Her room is the one connecting to mine so I walked in after I called you. I tried to apologize but I saw something."

"You're doing great," Ritsu coos and I gulp.

Hands are everywhere. Why do I feel so dirty? The image of Kyoya over Haruhi enters my brain and I try to push it out. All of a sudden I'm under someone. There is the smell of alcohol that enters me and teeth that are yellowed. My back is wet and the belt whipping makes it ache. I shouldn't have cried that time. I should have held it in but it hurt so much. There is a fullness that I can't clean myself of.

"Kyoya," I force myself into reality. My brain hurts and I can feel the ache in my back. I pull myself closer to Ritsu and try to expel the memories. If I speak the truth maybe I can move on. "He was on top of Haruhi and I just froze. It reminded me of then and I snapped."

I swallow hard and feel the tears come to my eyes. I don't know if I should hold all of this in or if I should be telling the boy I love. Is it okay to tell him this? Maybe he shouldn't know everything about me because these experiences are terribly ugly. I should stop here and let this all go back into Pandora's box. The box shouldn't have been opened at all. Ritsu can't take all of this.

"Susan you can tell me all of these things. I know you're thinking that I can't handle it, but I can. If you don't want to tell me I understand but I know it makes people feel better to talk about things. You do what you have to do and don't worry about me. I'm never leaving," Ritsu reassures.

My mind wavers on the memories I am forced to remember and the memories that I am choosing to make. For a moment I think that I will just fall into that black abyss, but a knock on the bedroom door jolts me from my thoughts. For a moment I wonder if I should get out of bed but my legs don't want to move. My back aches and Ritsu shifts so we can sit up. I'm like a rag doll and am placed to sit on the middle of the bed under the covers. Ritsu gets up and is at the door, looking back at me.

"Who is it?" I call as the redhead opens the door. He looks back and steps away from the door, letting in a blue haired boy. I remember what I had done last night and know that the boy is unsure. My skin is almost crawling off my body because of the flashbacks but I know Kou needs me more. "Kou, come here."

"Are you sure Susan-sama?" Kou asks as he wrings his hands.

The boy looks down and Ritsu can see the pain in my eyes. I hurt Kou so badly. The boy kicks the carpet with bare feet and his jeans sway with the action. I look at Ritsu with pleading eyes and he nods. He grabs Kou's shoulder covered with his white t-shirt and leads him to me. I open my arms as Kou gets to the bed. I motion with both arms for him to me to hug him but he shakes his head.

"Kou I'm fine so come here," I chide. Ritsu looks at me and then points to the bathroom. He wants to take a shower. I nod at the redhead as Kou crawls onto the bed. The younger boy sits inches away from me and my heart is pained. It's all my fault. "Kou look at me."

"Are you sure Susan-sama? I wouldn't want to do something that would make you cry," he pleads and I can see his back shake with him holding in the tears.

The shower starts and it only reminds me that I pushed him away when I always said it was us against the world. I crawl out of the covers and place myself right before Kou. I kneel and pull his head up. His face is red and his eyes and nose running. He looks scared and I begin to wipe the tears away. He only cries harder.

"I'm sorry that I pushed you away last night. I should have reassured you. You should have been able to hug me last night," I tell him softly. Kou shakes his head and his lip quivers. His eyes which were always so strong are now broken. His shaking of his blue haired head doesn't stop. He breathes in sharply and my heart splinters.

"You didn't need me. You didn't want me," he wails and I bite my lip. What do I say? How do I make him feel better?

"I do need you. I need you now," I tell him but he shakes his head again.

"You have Ritsu and you don't need me anymore. You're going to leave and I'm going to be all alone."

I shake my head this time and I put my arms around the boy. I pull him onto my lap and hold him close to me. The boy keeps wailing and the crying is so painful to hear. I smooth his hair as I rub his head. Kou puts his arms around me and wipes his face on my shirt. Rocking back and forth, the boy starts to calm down. Finally he stops crying and I can talk to him.

"I want you too. Just because I have Ritsu doesn't mean that I don't need you. Don't you dare think you aren't as special as you really are. You will always be next to me, no matter who stands with me. You're never going to be alone," I tell him and Kou sniffles.

"But what happens if Ritsu doesn't like me and he wants me gone. You love him more than me," he says as he pulls his face away from me.

"Ritsu won't do that and if he does, then he is making the choice to leave me. If Ritsu can't accept you or any of the gang, then maybe he isn't right. Just talk to Ritsu and he'll tell you that he likes you and won't push you away," I say strongly.

I want to say that Ritsu would never do that but I have to ask Ritsu to make sure. The boy wouldn't do that. I know he isn't the kind to push friends away. But the boy has never been exposed to the gang life. Though when I told him that I killed an underboss he wasn't shocked and then he thought of the consequences. He isn't stupid and he understands that what we do is because we have to. I still have to make sure he is okay with our lifestyle.

"You promise?"

"Of course," I answer in a second. I pull Kou into me as I say the next words. "I will never leave you."

Kou is still for a second before he squeezes me back. The room is quiet except for the sound of the shower. Kou has never had anyone before. He was born into a world that no one gets close to others because people drop like flies. Fu wasn't the type to baby him. I changed the gang. I made us a family. Kou doesn't want to let this go. He doesn't want to be alone again. He won't be alone ever again.

"What happened yesterday?" Kou asks quietly as he pulls away. I explain everything to the boy and his facial expressions range from anger to worry to certainty.

"Can you get some information off the area? Take Tetsuya if he doesn't mind and don't mention your association to the gang. If you're asked, you're with Kasanoda. Tetsuya probably has a daimon somewhere on him," I tell Kou but he shakes his head sheepishly.

"He doesn't have a daimon from Kasanoda," he whispers. I look at Kou with a surprised smile.

"Do I have to give you a talk? Or would you prefer Fu?" I tease. Kou is flabbergasted and sticks his tongue out.

"I would rather not have a talk like that. I don't want to do that kind of stuff," he says with a disgusted face. I laugh and he looks at me with a teasing look. "Does Fu need to give you a talk?"

"Gross Kou," I giggle and grab a pillow. Getting the only one on the bed, I smack the boy in the head. He runs away and I throw the pillow at him from across the room. "You better be careful."

"I will. I'll call you if anything is up," he assures me and I smile at him.

He's growing up before my eyes. His scrawny body stands taller than I remember and his hair is longer than what I had thought. I don't think if we were to get separated it would be because of me. There's a great big world out there and he is sheltered behind a wall. Maybe he would want to explore the land beyond.

"Trust your gut out there. I expect you in a couple of hours," I tell him and the boy senses this is an order. He stands taller and bows to me.

"Hai," he replies. Then the boy is gone out of the room.

I sink into the bed and sigh. He has to be careful out there. Maybe I should call him back or not allow him to go. My stomach is uneasy and I feel my shirt has been messed up like my hair. One shoulder is bare as the shirt hangs off of my body. I'm still kneeling and I look down at my hands as they curl around each other. I really fucked up this time. Everything is a mess.

"Babe, he'll be fine. Tetsuya will go with him," comes a voice that I had missed in the short period of time. I look towards the bathroom and find Ritsu.

Except it's not just my regular Ritsu who is adorable and nervous and makes me blush when he stares at me too long. This is Ritsu that just got out of the shower who has glowing skin and abs and doesn't have a shirt. This is hot Ritsu and I am blushing mess Susan. The boy walks over to me, standing right at the foot of the bed with a reassuring smile on his grumpy face. He's close enough to touch and I can see some drops of water on his perfect skin. I put my hands under my knees to keep myself from reaching out.

"Ritsu, why don't you have a shirt on?" I squeal. Ritsu looks down and then back at me, then back to himself.

"I forgot to take one out and you looked sad, so I just came over here. Why does it bother you?" he says bluntly. I look at his jeans and how they sit so nicely on his hips. The bones actually are crafted like the fricken David and I feel hot all over. Ritsu looks at me and when he sees my red face he gets worried. "Fuck is this triggering? Oh my god Susan, you have to tell me if this is triggering."

"You're hot!" I blurt out. My eyes widen as do those of the redhead. I swallow and then Ritsu gulps with me. "Why are you hot?"

Ritsu flinches and I look down. Why the hell is my mouth blurting shit out? Ritsu is going to think I'm so weird. But the truth is I shouldn't feel this warmth radiating from my stomach. There's this weird feeling where I just want him to pick me up and kiss me. I've been through the most terrible things that could ever happen to a girl and here I am, wanting a boy. I shouldn't feel this. These feelings should be trumped by the dirtiness but the boy never brings those feelings up in me. Ritsu is the exact opposite of those feelings.

"So you think I'm hot?" Ritsu mutters quietly. My head bounces up and Ritsu is red all over his whole body. His hand goes through his hair and his muscles stretch pleasantly. He is flustered and it only makes his skin glow. God is he hot. Was he always buff under that school uniform?

"Yes," I breathe out. I take my hands out of their confinement and hide my face. I look down and almost curl into an embarrassed ball. My body doesn't get the chance as the bed sinks with Ritsu's weight. Ritsu puts his hands over mine and pulls my hands off my face. His face is in mine and my breath catches in my throat. I'm in trouble. He got over his nervousness and has a shit eating grin. My brain has warning bells and Ritsu is still hot.

"So my girlfriend thinks I'm hot? How hot am I? On a scale of one to ten," he teases and I groan. Still a smile comes to my face and I raise myself a bit.

"I take it back, I was lying," I mutter as I match his smile. He pouts and I giggle slightly.

"Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty hot," he insists and I roll my eyes.

"Yah right. You're not even a one," I tease and he releases my hands.

He looks away and for a moment I'm scared I went too far. I am about to apologize but the boy has his hands at my sides. The digits start tickling me. The laughter rises up and I bat Ritsu's hands away. He starts to laugh with me and my hands start to attack him. The boy's bare skin is soft and still clammy. I begin to lose the fight and I push the boy away. He falls onto the bed and scrambles to get up, only for me to jump on top of him.

"You're playing dirty," Ritsu whines but I continue to tickle him. Through laughter he finally relents and puts his arms up. "Okay you win, you win."

"Damn right," I say victoriously.

For a moment we both just breathe hard, chests rising and falling heavily. Ritsu is under me and I realize the compromising position we're in. I'm straddling him and he is shirtless. Wow Susan. You've really stepped in it this time. What are you going to do next? I push myself off of the boy but I don't get far. Ritsu sits up and his hands hold my hips as I sit on his lap. He is red faced and I put my hands on his bare shoulders just so they won't roam.

"Can I, um. I would like to, well. May I please, uh," the boy starts spluttering words. I know exactly what he's saying.

"Of course you can."

I wrap my arms around his neck and lean my forehead against his. Ritsu is just opening and closing his mouth while his arms go around my hips, pulling me closer. My chest lays against his and our breathing begins to match each other's. My legs are under me as I kneel around him and I feel vulnerable. The boy wants to look away but I don't allow him. My face pushes his up and I stare at his lips. They would feel so soft. I know they are. Oh yes, Susan knows what she's going to do.

My body is hot as hell itself and my hands trail circles on the boy's back. I lean my lips down to his and gently push mine against his. He doesn't move and I pull away slightly. Ritsu takes the invitation as he pushes his lips against mine and parts my lips. Our lips move against each other and we are both so inexperienced. Though it doesn't make my head spin any less. I gasp as Ritsu pulls away. My eyes had closed during the whole escapade and I don't get to open them as Ritsu again pushes our lips greedily together.

I don't even remember what happens when our lips part again and there is a second tongue in my mouth. My hands go into Ritsu's hair to find it damp and my chin is slightly wet. Ritsu doesn't know how to maneuver his tongue with my piercings even though he wants to mess with them and my tongue isn't really helping. The kiss is messy but it doesn't hold anything back. For once I'm totally helpless to someone and it feels amazing. I pull away for air and I finally open my eyes.

Time could stand still and my heart would still find a way to pound in my chest. Ritsu and I are so close that I can almost taste his breath which oddly enough tasted like toothpaste. His whole mouth kinda tasted minty too. My mouth probably tasted horrible and Ritsu hated it. But my god did I feel like I was soaring. It would probably be our worst kiss ever but I would take it any day. I would take him any day. I would take a million bad kisses from Ritsu before I would take the perfect kiss from someone else. These are very dangerous thoughts.

I smooth the boy's hair as I catch my breath and calm down. The boy's expression is serious and would be considered scary as he gains control of himself. After a moment of content breathing and me petting my boyfriend's beautiful red locks, he takes one arm off of my clammy body. His hand wipes at the saliva on my chin and lips, not caring how disgusting the whole action really was. I cringe a bit as he wipes his hand on the bedsheets but can't blame the boy. This was kind of disgusting. It felt amazing though.

"We need to get better at this. Maybe we should practice more," Ritsu offers to me and I snort in his face.

"Yah but maybe we aren't so bad right now," I offer and Ritsu looks at me with a doubtful smile.

There is a content look in his brown eyes. He's not going to push this any further. I smile at him gratefully. He would never hurt me. I nuzzle my forehead against his as I relish in this moment of calm. When I pull away, I know Ritsu is thinking the same thing about me as I find a serious look. I smirk a bit and his face changes to match mine.

"You keep telling yourself that," he teases and pecks my lips quickly. "Go take a shower. We need to get some breakfast cause I'm starving and I have a feeling you're going to take forever to get ready."

"Don't sass me," I chide with a serious look. Ritsu's smile falls off and he opens his mouth to apologize. I crack a smile and he stops the words from spilling out. I give him one last chaste kiss and then take my arms off his body. Ritsu helps me off of him and pushes my hips towards the bathroom. As I skip to the bathroom, I turn back around when I'm at the door. "And just how much chapstick did you put on to make your lips that soft?"

"Too much," he yells at me as he blushes. I laugh as I grab my bag by the bathroom door. I look back to see Ritsu sitting aimlessly in the bed as he watches me. I mouth 'I love you' and he smiles and mouthes it back to me.

* * *

"Susan have you seen my hair tie?" Ritsu asks as I finish packing. I also have a toothbrush in my mouth.

As I turn to look at the boy, he is tossing the blankets of the bed in an attempt to find the metaphorical needle in the haystack. I shake my head and then go into the bathroom. I spit out the toothpaste and rinse my mouth. As I clean up the counter, Ritsu comes in and looks at my things. I turn to him and then rummage in a cosmetic bag for an extra tie. I come out with a black one that I haven't used since I chopped off all my hair.

"Here you go you big baby," I tease and Ritsu only frowns. He puts his hair up and it is as usual messy. I smile at him and breathe in exasperatedly. "Can you have a nice ponytail for once?"

"I don't like it when it's all confined. Do you want my hair to fall out?" Ritsu whines and I just sigh. Let him do what he wants. He still is hot even if his hair is messy. I leave the bathroom and pack the last of my stuff into my bag. Ritsu is waiting for me patiently by the door but looks like he wants to know something. I raise an eyebrow and he blushes lightly. "Did you ever have long hair?"

"Well," I start out as I walk to him. I straighten his black t-shirt a bit but it's only an excuse to touch him. He in turn fixes the collar of my cardigan. I wear jeans a white shirt and black cardigan as we exit the room. "I don't have it too long anymore. When I was a kid I had it super long."

"Really?" he asks in a surprised tone. His voice fills the hall and I lead us towards the kitchen. "Which one do you like?"

"I like the short hair better. It's easier to manage and you can see my piercings and tattoo better," I reply as my hands go into my pockets. This feels calm. Even though my hands sweat lightly and my heart beat is faster than normal, I know he doesn't rile up my anxiety like before.

"Why do you have the piercings? Did you just want them?" he asks in a curious tone. This time I stop and turn to him. He looks down with his regular serious face but with a small and invisible smile. I bite my snakebite as I ready myself to tell the truth.

"They're a tally of life and death matches I've played in. I cut off all my hair when I turned fifteen and then I got the first piercing after that. The lip ones were just for fun," I say as I look down. Ritsu steps closer to me and I know he wants to reassure me, but I'm a scary killer.

"I really like them," he mutters and his damn hand goes to my ear. Be brushes the hair away and I raise my head. Ritsu is looking at me carefully but then smiles softly at me. Great now we get adorable Ritsu. My heart pounds too much because I know we're out and can be caught but at the same time, it's just Ritsu.

"Well do you want one? I'll go and hold your hand," I tease and Ritsu snorts. He turns me around and puts his arm around me to hold my shoulder. We start walking and I lean into Ritsu, knowing he is getting nervous too.

"Well I can get one but we aren't cutting my hair. I like it this length," he proclaims and I look at him as we walk.

"I think it suits you. Did you ever have it short?"

"Yah but it just made me look even meaner," he complains and I smile.

"You won't look mean to me so if you ever just want to cut it all off, you can," I tell him and he shakes his head. We turn down another hall and I pray that the host club has already eaten.

"I know but I like it long. Maybe we can dye it black," he jokes and I hit him in the stomach.

"Don't you dare. People would kill for your hair color," I laugh and Ritsu laughs with me.

"Is red your favorite color?" Ritsu teases and I turn a little red.

"Maybe it is. Why what is yours?" I ask and Ritsu is quiet. I look over at him and he's a little red.

"Green," Ritsu grumbles and I snort. He looks at me pointedly as we continue walking.

"And so do you like my hair the way it is with the green?" I ask in a serious tone. Ritsu turns even more red and nods. I raise my hand and boop his nose while we turn down the last hall. He turns even more red if that was possible. I have to stop teasing him. "Okay, question time. Cats or dogs?"

"I think, dogs," he replies and I nod with him. "Okay we're the same. What about half full or half empty?"

"Half empty," I reply and Ritsu shakes his head. "Okay different. How about night or day?"

"Whichever, as long as I'm with you," he blurts out and we stop walking. I turn red to my toes as I realize he really does love me. Sometimes I think he just says words but it takes moments like this that I really know loves me. God he's so adorable. This is too sugary sweet for me. This is just too domestic. I like it though and wouldn't want any other life or any other boy.

"Same," I reply and Ritsu squeezes me closer to him.

I put my arm around his waist and pull us along. We are both quiet as we enjoy each other's company. As we get to the door of the dining room, I make us wait to listen to the noise beyond the portal. There isn't any noise and I open the door. To our luck there is no one in the dining room except for the small butler. He quickly comes to us and I detach myself from Ritsu.

"Crea-san, what can I get for you?" he asks shakily as he glances at Ritsu. I turn back to find him giving a grumpy face at the man. The butler probably pissed him off yesterday. I look back at the man to find him slowly moving to place me in Ritsu's path.

"What do you want?" I ask Ritsu and he comes to stand right behind me.

"I want a fried egg and rice and sausage," he mutters and I look at the butler to find him less afraid. He's still afraid but he almost smiles with how timid my boyfriend can be.

"I'll take the same. And if I could have green tea that would be great. Ritsu you want tea?" I murmur and the boy shakes his head.

"I want black coffee," he tells me and the butler nods with our order. He sets off through another door and I walk over to the table with Ritsu following. We sit next to each other and Ritsu sighs. I look over at him and he's rubbing his eyes.

"What did you do?" I ask him softly and he looks at me with a frown.

"I kinda threatened him yesterday," he grumbles as he rubs his eyebrow. I raise a brow and he knows he has to enlighten me on the subject. "He didn't want to let us in to see you. So I scared him a little worse than I normally do."

"Well he's not going to hate you. It's just he's a little jumpy, even with me," I tell him as the door opens again.

It reveals the butler and I feel relieved. The last thing I would need would be the host club asking questions. Our breakfast is quickly brought out and we begin to eat. There is a comfortable silence between us. Ritsu, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals a sausage from my plate. I allow it but he smiles at me with a goofy smile as he eats the stolen meat.

I get him back when the butler brings a plate of pastries. Ritsu takes the danish and I wanted that one. So I gesture with a pout before Ritsu takes a bite. He relents with a small smile and gives me the cheese danish. I bite into it and the time passes. We leave and head back to my room. But as we get there, we find Kou and Tetsuya with our bags. They have everything in the hall and Kou is wringing his hands nervously.

"We have to leave," Kou says before I can ask what's wrong. I look at the boy and Ritsu tenses next to me.

"What happened? What did you learn?" I ask the blue haired boy in a strong voice. Gangster mode has activated because of his scared tone.

"They weren't from Yamaguchi," Tetsuya says worriedly. I give him a confused frown.

"What do you mean? What were they then?" I ask slightly angry.

Ritsu puts a hand on my shoulder. I don't know if it's to calm me or if it's to ground himself. Kou comes closer to me and looks at Ritsu and Tetsuya with suspicion. He must have interrogated by himself and doesn't want to speak in front of these outsiders. I nod and he looks at me worriedly. He can say it in front of them. I don't care.

"They were minor bounty hunters. They thought that they could take you out if you thought they were Yamaguchi."

"They thought I would be more careful and not start a war. Smart idea, just really inexperienced hunters," I reply as Kou nods. Ritsu squeezes my shoulder tighter.

"They didn't expect you to have the police here. They knew you were alone. There's someone watching your movements," Kou whispers and I step away from Ritsu. I grab Kou by the hand and drag him away from the others.

"You think there's a mole. Where? We didn't tell the gang where I was going except Fu and the twins. We didn't even tell the cousins," I whisper sharply. Kou gives me a pleading face and looks at Ritsu.

"Susan you don't know him well. He was the only one next to the host club to know where you were going," Kou tells me with a suspicious tone. I have wide eyes as I punch the wall, my hand only pulsing with the action. That is not possible and I won't accept that idea.

"Don't ever suggest anything like that again. As your boss I forbid you from doing that ever again!" I yell at the boy and he shies away from me.

"Susan he lies to you every—"

"I will not hear this kind of talk," I hiss as I grab Kou's shirt.

Ritsu is pulling me off the boy and I slap the redhead away. I glare at Kou and turn around to find Kyoya watching from down the hall—designer jeans and a blue polo gracing his figure. I glare at him next and pace to the other side of the hall. The boys all watch me as I try to discern just what is happening.

I put my head against the wall and think. There's a mole. Kou suspects Ritsu but I can't bear to see it. The host club could have told someone. But they have no gang affiliations . My boyfriend is new and carries around a bastard gang heir. Everything points to Ritsu.

"Susan what's going on?" Kyoya calls out and I take my head off of the wall.

I need to punch something that isn't a wall. I look at the brunette and frown. He's always been suspicious. But what connection to the gang world does he have other than me? He has money to put up a price for me though. I need to step away from the situation before my emotions compromise my entire thinking.

"We're leaving. Have your police watch you," I tell the boy coldly. Kyoya comes up to me and I glare. Protecting my mind from darkness, I let the rage come over me.

"What's happening?" he growls out, rage coming over him also. He's still angry but his dark eyes scream guilty. He didn't want me to see him with Haruhi.

"Oh go back to Haruhi and let me get on with my life. You'll be fine with your police force, even if they suck at protecting the rest of us," I jab. The boy frowns and then smirks slightly.

"Jealous are we?" he asks with a bite.

"Not even close. I would rather know when I'm walking in on your special time. Please put a sock on the doorknob next time," I bark out. The boy flinches and I'm not holding anything back anymore.

"You know we weren't doing anything," he screams and then grabs my arm. I look at the hand on me with a dissociated feeling. The hand is gone and I didn't even do anything. Instead when I look up I find Ritsu clutching Kyoya by his pretty blue polo. The brunette's glasses fall as Ritsu slams him against the wall.

"You lay a hand on her again and I will kill you," my boyfriend growls out. I feel oddly touched and don't make a move to end this confrontation.

"You're a new bodyguard. Did Susan get tired of the old one and needed someone more robust to," Kyoya pauses and looks to me with a venomous smile, "satisfy her needs?"

I don't get to punch a person, but Ritsu sure does. The boy swings his right hand back and pops Kyoya once in the eye. He has amazing control and pulls back for one more hit, this time to the mouth. Kyoya grunts and Ritsu drops the brunette. The redhead's face is the worst rage I have ever seen. I know Ritsu isn't the mole. He wouldn't be this angry for me if he was. My boyfriend raises a foot to kick the boy on the floor but I intervene.

"Ritsu that's enough. I let you get two good hits in but we don't need the priss to sue," I say quickly as I grab Ritsu's arm.

The boy is breathing hard with how angry he is but he stops with my words. I look at Kyoya as he scrambles to get up. The family police must have heard our screaming and are running towards us. Kyoya stands and clutches his eye with one hand. His free eye is watering with the hits and I feel so damn smug.

"You are going to regret that," Kyoya hisses and I roll my eyes.

"You deserved it and I can promise I wouldn't have been as nice," I laugh. Kyoya's police are going to charge at us but their master raises his free hand. His other comes off his face and I see his eye is closing. Blood from a split lip trails down his chin.

"You're fired," he threatens and I can see he isn't sure about his decision. I'm still the damn best bodyguard out there and Kyoya knows that. The others will be angry with the decision. Although Kyoya will convince them that I am a problem.

"I'll save you the trouble of paying me my wages for today. I quit," I reply with a cocky smile. Kyoya stands taller and curls his lip back.

"We don't need you anyways. You were always more harm than help."

"And you were more of a thorn in my side than a friend."

"You are such a bitch," Kyoya laughs. Ritsu lunges forward but I grab him. Tetsuya and Kou are flanking our sides but are stiff as they stare at the police. Kyoya laughs at Ritsu but I hold him in my grip. "She keeps her little minions on a short leash but she keeps you on shorter one. You must be her favorite dirty little killer."

"Susan let me go," Ritsu whines and I breathe in deeply. Ritsu can't go at Kyoya and get away without some consequence. I need to protect him.

"Two hits was enough," I whisper. Ritsu frowns deeply as I glance at him and Kyoya laughs again. I look at the boy angrily and decide we are done here. "Goodbye Kyoya, don't bother me any more."

"Well it looks like you don't need me to fuck so why would we ever see one another again," he lies and Ritsu stiffens next to me. I shake my head and give a small smile.

"Look how far you've fallen Kyoya. You're almost like a no good gangster with your lies. I'm glad that I never loved you because this is what you truly are," I reply solemnly. Kyoya tries to come at me but Ritsu pushes me behind him. I grab the boy and try to pull him away but he wants to say something.

"You stay away from my girlfriend," he threatens and I can see Kyoya's face fall into a dark realization. The boy looks at me and his eyes are pained. I have finally bent him far enough that he has broken completely. We walk away and you can hear the steps ring through all of the halls of the mansion. This is such a mess. When we get to the front door, I stop. Still connected to Ritsu, I hold my hand out to Kou.

"Kou I need my gun just in case," I tell my clansmen.

The boy sets a replica of Sally in my hand while giving me a pained look. I just can't win today. I've hurt Kou. I've hurt Kyoya. I am being targeted for assassinations. Ritsu is pissed. I no longer protect the host club who are still my friends except for Kyoya and possibly Haruhi. Lord knows if Fu will ever let me out of the damn house now.

This is it. This is the end.

Though as we exit the mansion into the sunlight, one hand heavy by a gun and the burden of being a gang lord, the other desperately trying to keep the boy I love safe and not allowing myself to fall apart, I know this is just the beginning. And I'm just getting started.

* * *

**God I am going to make Susan so scarred when she learns the truth. I am going to break her heart and then stop all over it. I am going to cry while doing that but I will still be doing that. Was this even a good chapter? I don't know anymore **

**As always follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys)**


	28. The Roles in Which We Play

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Roles in Which We Play**

* * *

"**If I ever have to cast an acting role, I want the wrong person for the part. I can never visualize the right person in a part. The right person for the right part would be too much. Besides, no person is every completely right for any part, because part in a role is never real, so if you can't get someone who's perfectly right, it's more satisfying to get someone who's perfectly wrong. Then you know you've really got something."**

― **Andy Warhol, **_**A Retrospective**_

* * *

It was over two weeks later that I finally calmed down. Not only was Kou still a little angry at me, but Kyoya had avoided me completely. Which was fine if Kyoya didn't bother me, but Kou was my friend-almost my brother. Tamaki, Mori and Honey talked to me a lot, excessive actually. They probably wanted to show me that they weren't all on Kyoya's side. The Hitachiin twins were less available but popped up with their normal identical smiles every now and then. Haruhi on the last part, was off limits. Goes to say, I've been the one avoiding her because I don't want to relive those experiences.

I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have a panic attack with her and Ritsu would definitely get angry if turned back into how I was at the beach. He was worried about the attack which he said was a coma; one of the worst kind of attacks I have ever had and almost five years since I had one that debilitating. The boy hasn't left me though. He still bugs me and we have watched the boundaries we keep at school. I wouldn't want him to get harassed because he's dating me. During school, we were separated as he was a first year with very different classes.

Though we saw each other a lot still. Ritsu and I taught the music club and we took the orphans to the park on the weekends. But we didn't go out any more than that. The boy has been itching to go out on a real person date but I didn't trust us not to be on my territory. Nevertheless, the boy still asks for him to walk me home after our nights with the kids, even if I wanted to stay inside after night fell. So in short, we were constantly with some kind of chaperone.

Having a bunch of people with us made me more inconspicuous and we needed me to not stick out like a sore thumb. There was a lot of underground talk about the attempt on my life. Someone wasn't pleased that their men didn't accomplish their goal. The one who put out the hit has actually raised the price on my head while lowering that of Kasanoda. It was a little unsettling to know someone wanted to kill me that bad, but regardless, I still warned Kasanoda and kept to my side of the territory.

I would have actually put a security detail on Ritsu, but there were a couple problems with that. Number one, Ritsu would have none of that, and explicitly told me, 'I wouldn't forgive you if you put someone to guard me when you should be worried more about yourself'. Number two, I forced Tetsuya to watch him whenever I wasn't with him and the blonde agreed after slight hesitation. Lastly, number three, I am never seen in public with Ritsu where everyone knows I am a gang lord and not just a girl.

So all in all, the important things were covered. Ritsu was being watched by his dear friend and ex heir to a yakuza which I just so happened to have destroyed. The people of the host club weren't terribly angry at me for being fired from my job of guarding them. I had twenty-four seven secret security on the orphanage as a precaution. Plus my land was swarming with men running out on the borders and keeping everyone who was in the slightest manner of suspicious out.

I was also stressed out of my mind.

"Susan-chan!"

"Oh, no," I whisper to myself as my anxiety goes from the soothing level three into a six-point range. It's after school on Friday and I was trying to escape. Tamaki approaches me quickly and flings himself into my arms. The action has been getting more and more second nature but it still felt foreign. I catch the boy and quickly place him away from my own body. The boy is smiling like the sun and I look beyond him to find the black hole of despair and anger known as Kyoya. He hasn't actually stood this close to me in a while.

"I know something happened," Tamaki starts out softly and I realize that the boy is trying to piece back whatever broken relationship I had with his friend. I give the blonde a stern look through my shaking hands and beating heart.

"You don't know the half of it," I tell him and turn away. He doesn't follow until he has grabbed the other boy. Kyoya gives me a scowl as he is dragged on the other side of his chipper friend. I scowl back and put a strand of hair behind my ear. Tamaki catches his friend's dark look and looks at me pleadingly.

"Please Susan-chan, Kyoya is sorry for what he's done. Can we all go out tonight and have fun like we used to?" Tamaki asks in an animated tone. I look at Kyoya and he huffs while turning away.

"I don't think he wants to apologize Tamaki. We can go out but again," I say as I motion to Kyoya, "he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me."

"That's not true," Tamaki argues and I raise a single brow through my nervous scowl.

My anger is overshadowing my anxiety. Kyoya gives me a glare but Tamaki hits him lightly. The expression changes and I can see the hurt that I have caused him move into his eyes. I watch as his mouth forms a hopeless expression and he turns away with sadness. My stomach turns with guilt and I don't know if I want to go out now. Before I look down, I can hear footsteps down the hall.

"Susan-sama!" Kou calls from the end of the hall.

The boy is nervous and it shows in the ways he stands, small and rocking from side to side. He's dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans for once, forgoing his yukata. He's been picking me up inside the school for fear that someone would try to assassinate me while I'm vulnerable. He does a good a job of protecting me as his body languages changes to be with protect. The blue haired boy, as he identifies Kyoya, runs to us and stands before the brunette with a harsh gaze. I allow it because Kyoya does it deserve it to some extent.

"Kou-kun, do you want to come with us? We're going to go to karaoke tonight!" Tamaki exclaims and I groan.

He still wants to do karaoke. I wonder if he's even that good at karaoke. Kou looks at me and his face contains a large smile. When he sees my slightly less enthusiastic face, he falters. Kou wants to go have fun. Tamaki wants to have fun. I might as well suck up whatever insults are brewing for Kyoya and have fun with half of my still friends. I sigh and straighten my skirt with some tremor in my actions.

"We can go for a bit. Kou we have to head to the front to tell Fu. We'll meet everyone at the place?" I offer to Tamaki softly and the blonde radiates sunshine. His smile is so large that his cheeks must hurt. Kou bounces up and down and Kyoya gives me a surprised look. I give the brunette a soft glare but am too nervous to really start anything.

"Okay, I'll go get everyone. This is going to be so much fun," Tamaki exclaims with a clap of his hands and I nod stiffly.

I grab Kou by the arm and we walk away, Kou jovially skipping. The boy is happy and I'm glad that he isn't still angry at me. I hurt him immensely when I defend Ritsu over him. I love them both though and I have to stick by my men. These people follow me to the ends of the earth and I can't abandon them, no matter how much I love Ritsu. It's hard to have both my cake and eat it, but I will find a way. I swear I will find a way.

"Are you going to let me go?" Kou asks and I know he's trying to sound angry but it doesn't make it into his voice. I let go of his arm and look to see that he doesn't meet my eyes. His face turns into a wolfish frown, lips curled back in anger. "Or do you want your boyfriend to go with you and me to stay quiet at home?"

"Kou please don't be angry. I'm sorry about what I said. It's just that I, well I don't want to hear anyone speak badly about Ritsu. I don't even want my father speaking bad about him. No one has ever wanted me and I just don't want anything to happen to him," I admit softly to the younger boy.

Kou stops and I can see his guilty look. I have only been apologizing to him; I haven't given him a reason to understand me. I think it partly embarrasses me to know that Ritsu does things to me. Things that I would rather not have done because I have always seen love as a weakness. I could never believe that love could save me like it has. I have pushed it away because I thought no one could ever love me and now that I have it, I'm so confused about what I should do so I run on pure emotion.

"I know but I just want to protect you," Kou argues and I look at him softly. His face is concerned and I ruffle his hair. He slaps my hands away and I give him a bright smile, grateful to have someone to actually say that to me.

"I know and that's why you're my best friend," I tell him happily. The boy blushes and frowns as he tries to fix his hair. I link my arm through his and we walk out to the street.

There is an understanding between us. We do the things we do because we care. Kou doesn't trust Ritsu because that's his job as my person. I don't want to believe that I'm blinded by love but there is the possibility that I am. He has to make sure that I am safe just like how I have to make sure to keep him safe too. As his boss I have to shield him from the world as much as he shields me.

We exit the school and head to the gates. A familiar form stands by a black town car, tattoo on his neck a stark contrast to his skin. Another person leans on the brick wall where I had first held the host club at gun point. Their red hair blends into the rusty color of the bricks. Kou pulls me closer and I pat his hand with my free palm. I smile at the boy with me and he sighs deeply as an exasperated smile comes to his perfect complexion.

"I'll be waiting in the car with Fu," Kou tells me softly as he stops us in front of Ritsu.

The redhead looks at Kou in an attempt to be reassuring while I just watch this normal interaction with great interest. Ritsu never wants me to have to choose between the two of them. He would rather have Kou like him. I think Ritsu sees Kou and Fu as my brother and father, wanting both of their approval. Kou glares mildly for intimidation and then walks to the car. Ritsu shifts uncomfortably and turns to me with a worried glance back to Kou and Fu who are getting into the car.

"I don't think he trusts me. He must still be angry about the beach," Ritsu mutters in concern. I give my boyfriend—still a strange concept in my mind—a soft smile and shrug.

"He's not as angry as he could be, so I think that's a start," I reply with a grin, stomach fluttering with butterflies; Ritsu does too many emotional things to me. I'm snapped out of trying to will the feelings away when Ritsu groans and puts a hand on his face as he wipes his eyes with frustration.

"I am never going to be on their good side am I?" Ritsu moans and he gives me a pathetic look. I roll my eyes and he cracks a smile.

"They won't like anyone. It's not just you," I tease and then grin like an idiot. Too many fuzzy emotions.

Ritsu smiles back at me and his hand goes into his messy hair. He is always so messy with his appearance—wrinkled blazer, loose tie, hair flying everywhere, shirt hanging out—though there is something adorable about the way he dresses.

I know that I'm staring when Ritsu gives me a smirk. I freeze as I hold down the blush and don't look down in embarrassment. Ritsu's hand goes out and touches my cheek gently. This time I can't keep my blush down and his fingers trail along my skin. I warm under his caress and subconsciously lean into his fingers. The boy gazes at me and my own hand goes out to rest on his chest.

"You want to go get some dinner or something?" the redhead sputters nervously. He still is nervous with asking me out. We're dating, I've kissed him, he's seen me in my worst place, and he still can't say a common line in relationships without freaking out. How cute is that. God, I am hopelessly in love.

I open my mouth to agree but close it a heartbeat later. Ritsu frowns gently and I put my other hand out as I grab his blazer. As I stare at his chest and attempt to straighten out the purple wrinkles next to Ouran's emblem, I feel the boy stiffen. The car horn sounds at my hesitation and I glare at the looming vehicle. Kou laughs at me from the back of the car and Fu is smiling teasingly from the driver's seat. Ritsu's hand plays with my hair and I look at him guiltily.

"I'm going to karaoke with the host club," I reply softly and Ritsu pulls my hair with the twitch of anger. I grimace and he looks at me apologetically as he smooths my hair.

"I'm coming. Those people hurt you too much," he announces. I sigh deeply and shake my head.

"Kou is going with me and you are going home. No one is going to hurt me because Kou is going to keep me safe," I tell him and Ritsu opens his mouth to argue. It's my turn to pull and it comes when I hold his blazer harder than I should and pull him closer to me.

"Susan I know that Kou won't let anything happen to you, but—"

"If you know then there is no **but** in that sentence," I interrupt. Ritsu looks at me and I know he doesn't want me to go. I don't care though. I want to go out with my friends and Ritsu is only going to kick Kyoya's ass. I would let him too. It would be bad only because Kyoya would get him in trouble. Kou will go with me and I'll be fine.

"I swear if he hurts you again," Ritsu trails off as I can see the hatred in his eyes. I smile at him despite the ferocity of his expression. I wonder if this is how I look when I am protecting him. He is downright terrifying to other people if he keeps this up.

"Kou won't let that happen. Trust him and he will begin to actually trust you too," I reply to the boy. Ritsu rolls his eyes and replaces his grimace to be a worried smile. He grabs both of my cheeks in his hands and grows a large grin.

"Alright, they can get you today but I get you on the weekend. Tomorrow is that thing that Shoyo wants to go to at the amusement park. Do you want me to pick you up or you want to meet at the orphanage?" Ritsu asks happily. My heart pounds with excitement and I tilt my head as I think.

"We can meet at the orphanage. I don't want you being seen too close to the syndicate," I tell him. His expression is somber with the reminder I'm a target. I hate that worried expression on his face. I need to see him smile so I push his chest lightly and then I puff my cheeks out as a small joke.

His hands push my skin gently in while Ritsu snorts at my expression and gives me a goofy smile. I laugh as his hands move to hold my waist. The strong hands always feel normal on my body and I smile as I regain myself. Ritsu changes his expression to one of a serious nature and I know he's still worried. He always will be when we're not together. Just like how I'm worried about him making it home safely.

"Call me if something happens," he tells me strongly.

"You know I will," I reply without hesitation. It's the truth.

Ritsu smiles triumphantly and then leans in closer, my arms wrapping around his neck. My breath catches and I close my eyes as we kiss. Ritsu doesn't hesitate like he used to a month ago but he doesn't deepen it. We're in public where people know us and Ritsu is much more of a gentleman than I am a lady. I allow as usual, for him to pull away first. My eyes open slightly and as my routine, I steal one last kiss. The car horn breaks my leaning for one more kiss, the addiction of the contact not strong enough to keep me here for a third kiss when I know we have an audience. I also know that if they didn't call, I could stand here kissing him for eternity.

"I'll see you tomorrow around eleven then," Ritsu whispers while I wonder if I can kiss the boy another time before Kou gets out of the car and drags me away. I know I can sneak in one last kiss before they honk again. Ritsu looks down at me and I can swear I see his light brown eyes sparkle with excitement. I'm glad he's happy.

"That sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow," I murmur as I peck his lips one final time.

I can feel Kou wanting to honk the horn as I slip away from Ritsu. The boy who rests against the gate watches me walk away from him with a content look on his face. His smile is small and almost unnoticeable on his pouty lips. People can think of him as scary for the rest of his life, because that only means I will get him all to myself.

I get in the front seat of the car and Fu watches me with a teasing smile. I roll my eyes and he drives us away. I don't dare look back at Ritsu for fear that I would give in and go to dinner with the boy. My hands twiddle around themselves as I stare forward. My worry about Ritsu sinking in slightly, but is covered with the certainty of Tetsuya watching him.

"I'm surprised the boy didn't jump in the car after you," Fu jokes as we stop at a light. The large man looks over at me and I roll my eyes as I move my hands to pick at my tights.

"He wouldn't be that needy," I argue weakly.

As I look at my reflection in the window I see my face is tinged pink. No wonder they tease me so much, I act like a love-struck teenager. I mean, I am a teenager but I also am very mature for my age—except when it comes to this warm feeling in my chest. Fu chuckles and Kou gives a disbelieving snort. I look back at the young boy and he is smirking. I stick my tongue out and he reaches out to grab it, my body retracting quickly.

"Says the girl that is with him every weekend," Kou teases and I roll my eyes.

"We also go for the orphans. They need someone to take them out and poor Shimizu-san needs a break every once in a while," I huff as I cross my arms and sit forward. Kou gives a noise of disbelief and I bring one leg up onto the seat.

"Yah or you want to play house with your needy boyfriend," Fu adds a little critically and I scowl.

"And if I want to play house, I will. Because you know what, those kids are happy when we take them out and I'm kinda happy too," I blurt out. The two guys in the car are silent while I just blush heavily. I bite the inside of my cheek to not say anything else that is embarrassing. Fu clears his throat and I look over to see him smiling at me.

"Well I'm glad that you're happy," he says softly and he looks back to the road. His hand comes off of the wheel and pats the top of my head clumsily. It feels like such a fatherly thing to do and I appreciate it. "Even with everything going on, you have the gang in a good place so you could leave the twins to watch everything for the weekend."

"Yah, this is the safest I've felt in a while," Kou adds happily.

They really feel safe with me? I mean, I always aimed for that, but I never actually knew if they appreciated what I was doing. It's easy for me to feel safe but they have to tell me they feel safe with me. But I make them feel safe. I am fulfilling my purpose as boss. They are safe as long as I am here to take anyone out that is threatening my men. I am protecting them. I am fulfilling the role of boss.

* * *

There were a couple of things that surprised me about this karaoke place Tamaki had chosen for our group. To start off with, the place was more of a large bar with karaoke stage than the private rooms I had imagined. Weren't karaoke places supposed to be like little private rooms where you had your group sing in privacy? Obviously this place was going for a western feel and was out of a comedy friendship movie.

The next thing that astounded me was that the locale was mostly high schoolers like ourselves but they were all drinking alcohol. The staff kept the booze flowing and I was wondering how they hadn't got cited for this. My club only allows eighteen and over and we only serve to those twenty and over. The place had its own security so I figured they didn't have to call the cops to settle disputes, flying under the police's radar.

Kou and I had gotten there first and positioned ourselves to the right within a large booth and table. The lights were bright and I was surprised that there was no heat radiating from the bulb in the red round lamp. The girl who had come to be our waitress was immediately scared when she noticed who we were. It is no secret that this is in my area and they probably pay for protection—another reason why the cops might not bother them.

She took our orders for a soda and some shrimp tempura, scurrying off in a hurry. The others hadn't shown up until she came back with our drinks, along with a special blue alcoholic drink for the both of us. I told her that we didn't need it, but she insisted and gave it to us on the house. I didn't refuse and the others showed up as I took my first sip to find the blue liquid a mix of vodka, sprite and blue syrup.

"Susan-chan! Kou-chan!" Honey yells as he gets to the booth. Mori looks at me with an exasperated smile and we all know our night is just beginning. The blonde child scurries on the booth to my side and I keep my hands steady around my drink. His round brown eyes shine with happiness and he looks at my drink in curiosity. "What is that?"

"The house special," I reply and he reaches out for the glass. I allow the boy to take it and he takes a small sip without my straw. His face scrunches and he looks at the drink in a confused manner. As he turns to me, I can see that he might actually drink today. He is older than me, so I shouldn't judge. "It has some vodka in it. You want one?"

"Maybe later," he replies excitedly and turns back around. I feel my heart pound and my breath is a little ragged from the small conversation. Kou grabs my hand from under the table and I sigh in relief. My eyes glance at my friend and he smiles reassuringly as he takes a sip of his drink. Mori plops down next to his cousin and the twins are suddenly beside Kou.

"We didn't think you would actually come," the two say in perfect unison. I look at their expressions and see mischief. My hand tightens around Kou's and I smile softly at the twins.

"Sometimes I think that too," I reply. The twins look at each other and then shrug, going to take off their blazers. They have lost their ties and sit informally with their white shirts open a bit and rolled at the sleeve.

Kyoya hasn't sat down yet and stares at me with a blank look from the other end of the table. Haruhi is next to him and places herself on the other side of Mori. Tamaki pulls his friend and sits down next to the twins with Kyoya stubbornly not sitting just yet. I take a sip of my liquid courage and feel my nerves start to relax with the warmth going down my throat. I know I can't drink my problems away but it would be a waste of a good drink if I let it go. Besides, I'm not having more than three tonight.

"This place is so cool," Tamaki proclaims just as the waitress comes back.

All of my companions turn to her and she places three plates of shrimp tempura and a small plate of assorted sushi. I mouth 'thank you' to her and she blushes heavily. She's older than us by a couple of years and her black dress matches her black doe eyes and long black hair. She looks around and asks what they want to drink. Multiple orders come out for green teas, some for iced coffee and one soda. The girl nods and looks at my drink. I put my hand up and gesture down to tell her that I'm good for now. She understands as she smiles and disappears.

"Have you ever been to karaoke?" Kyoya speaks up and I find that he's not looking at me when he's asking the question. Instead he's looking across his side of the table at Haruhi.

A couple sing a love song as I watch the conversation across the table. Kou releases my hand before he squeezes into oblivion with his irked attitude with Kyoya in general. I grab his knee and rub the material of his jeans to get him to calm down. I brought him specifically because I didn't want a scene—well and because he wanted to have fun. Haruhi hasn't made eye contact with me yet and feel my heart clench with her avoiding my eyes. I have to fix that.

"No I have not," she replies strangely and I notice her gulp after her words.

She finally looks toward me and I see that she's scared. I flinch with her broken look and know that it was wrong of me to shut her out for so long. She is my friend and I didn't tell her why I was so angry at her. She isn't causing me to have a panic attack and I know that I should have talked to her sooner. Kyoya turns to me as I look pleadingly at Haruhi, trying to convince her that I am so sorry for everything.

My normal response with things that I don't know how to deal with is to run away, regroup and revisit. I shouldn't have run away from Haruhi for so long. The girl can see that I am truly sorry and she gives me a soft attempt at a smile. I need to talk to her. As I open my mouth to tell her that we should talk, Tamaki jumps up excitedly.

"So what are we going to sing? Should we go as a group or does anyone want to go solo?" he asks with so much enthusiasm.

I feel my hand sweat and sip my drink one more time. The twins have finally dug into the shrimp and are silent as Tamaki looks at them. They shrug under his blue-eyed inspection. Honey looks at my drink and I silently give him another sip. I don't think it would be good if he got drunk. He can kick ass and I don't know how he is going to act. Mori gives his cousin a stern look and eats a sushi. No one answers Tamaki and he starts to get dejected.

"What do you normally do?" I ask Tamaki when he deflates into a sad puddle on the table.

The boy immediately pops up again and the waitress stops by. The song changes to something faster and I see a beautiful girl singing to her group of friends. Drinks are placed on the table and the waitress sets out a platter of shots. I look at the golden liquid and hope she isn't giving us stuff on the house; I'll have to pay for all the booze and the others can split up the food between themselves. Last thing I would want would be for their parents to get pissed their drinking out with a gang lord.

"Everyone grab a shot," Kou announces as he starts distributing the small glasses.

The twins look at the drink in curiosity and Haruhi frowns a bit. Tamaki looks game for it and I watch Honey nearly take his shot when I hand him one. Mori sighs a bit as he looks at Kyoya who looks at me a little worriedly. I grab my own shot and then look at Kou with a smile. The boy is starting to warm up to everything and I have no doubt he's going to make me sing with him. If I take the shot, I know that I will be too loose to care who's watching.

"To a long life," I toast as I bring my glass forward. As a boss this is my toast for everything. I never wish for happiness or for money or love, I wish for the long lives of my gang members. I don't realize that with civilians you have to be a little more sentimental. The others look at me with small smirks as they think I'm weird. That is until I'm saved by Haruhi.

"And to friendship," she adds, looking at me. Her face is happy and she gives me a smile. I feel the red in my cheeks brighten and I smile back at her largely. The others put their glasses up and clink them with ours and each other's. The process of drinking is one throw of the head and a single gulp, warmth pooling into my stomach. The twins cough a bit as I recognize what is tequila residing in the glasses. Kou shakes his head after his shot and takes a large gulp of his blue drink.

"So how does the actual singing work?" I ask Tamaki as I grab a sushi roll. I pop it into my mouth and feel my head lighten with the alcohol kicking in. Tamaki looks at me as he fiddles with his empty shot glass.

"We can go as a group or a couple or singly," he starts off, turning to the stage. There is now a group of boys on stage singing what I think is a one direction song to what seems to be their girlfriends. They are obviously sauced as they hang onto one another for support. "You can pick the song. The have anything from English to k-pop to the entirety of the Japanese music industry. There's normally no wait time and if you are really good, they have a surprise at the end."

"Surprise?" Haruhi asks and I can see the slight annoyance of having the unknown.

I cringe slightly with the idea of a surprise but say nothing. Tamaki turns to the girl and smiles brightly. I watch Haruhi's eyes widen and see a familiar look come into the brown jewels: adoration. She adores Tamaki, not only loves him for his wild happiness or for his ability to see the best in even the worst people. She adores him for what he can do for others and his kind bleeding heart.

"It's really awesome," Honey interrupts their glances. I steal my own glance at the small blonde to see him watching them with equal interest. He can see it too.

"Okay so who wants to sing?" the twins ask, carefully looking towards me. I tilt my head and sip my drink with slight hesitation. They think because I can play piano, I can sing well. I haven't performed piano in years and they expect me to sing—which really isn't that special with my dumb accent and voice—without any practice. I can't believe them. But as Kou turns to me with a smile the size of the Cheshire cat's mouth, I know that I'm not going to get out of this. He's going to drag me out there, but he better well stay with me.

"Susan-chan, do you want to sing? You can sing in English and I bet you have a beautiful voice," Haruhi offers and I can see that she's throwing me under the bus only to have her not under the spotlight. Great. I finish my alcoholic drink as the waitress brings another round of shots. I grab mine quickly and down it. My eyes haze a bit and I sigh deeply. Might as well get this over with.

"I don't have a great voice but I can promise only one song, no more," I tell them softly. Everyone gives me surprised smiles. They really didn't think I would agree. I can't believe I am actually either. Kou jumps up and down in his seat and I push him in the head. "But only if Kou will go up there with me."

"I'll go," Kou proclaims and downs his shot.

Everyone moves out of the booth and we exit the seat. For a moment I have the fear of performing but I can see that everyone in the place is hammered. As I look back at my friends, they have smiles on their faces. This is supposed to be fun. Their faces reassure me that I'll be alright even if I decline.

Mori and Honey look at me and their eyes tell me that I can back out. The twins' expressions tell me that I'm brave. Tamaki is exuberant while Haruhi is excited, a small smile gracing her face while a large one on his. Kyoya is the only one who doesn't seem as happy. His face is a slight worried look and I know that even if he hates me, he is still worried about me.

Kou pulls me before I can run away and I allow him to drag me to the stage. He starts to speak with the person playing the songs while I watch a deadly drunk girl singing 'My heart will go on'. She isn't bad but everyone could care less for her choice. They're all having fun and I feel the alcohol run in my hands, taking away their tremors. My chest is warm and I feel like I do when I go into gangster mode: invincible. A smile makes its way onto my face and I see Kou turn to me with a book of songs.

"Please no breakup songs," I plead with the boy and he laughs. His eyes shine mildly with the booze and I smile like a fool. This is fun. I have friends and this is fun.

"Okay how about this one?" Kou asks as he points to a song he has been playing non-stop since the album came out.

I look at him and then know it will be a little new, though we could use new because that drunk girl nearly killed everyone. It is a little over the top but I know Kou will take care of me on the stage. That and since Kou already knows that there's a Carly Rae Jepson song on here and if I refuse to sing it with him, we will start world war three. Of all the pop girls in the music business, he chooses her—and from her new album. Couldn't we have just done Call Me Maybe and get the night over?

"Alright but you take the lead," I tell him as I giggle a bit with the humor of the song.

"No you have to start," he convinces me. I scowl and shake my head. He nods vigorously and I can feel my breath catch. This is it. Time to back out. But I don't as I sigh and give him a small smile. We're going to do this.

He tells the man and then the girl ends. Kou grabs the two microphones and hands me one. It feels heavy in my hand and I watch Kou make the climb to the stage. This is ridiculous. For a heartbeat my feet don't follow orders and walk up the stairs. My right hand is clenched into a fist and I bite my lip. My piercing is warm as is my skin. This is terrifying. Kou turns and has a fearful face when he sees I'm still at the bottom of the steps.

Then all of a sudden, my mind wins over the anxiety and I swallow the terror. My legs move and I am going up the stairs. Kou watches me with wide eyes and I grab his hand in an attempt to make sure this isn't a dream. I'm really going to go through with this. Kou stands next to me and the beat comes on, strong and steady. Thank god Kou has a good voice in English. When he smiles at me, I take a deep breath and watch him as I start to sing 'Your Type'.

"_I used to be in love with you. You use to be the first thing on my mind,"_ I sing out and my voice holds. My hand shakes slightly around the mic and everyone stares with smiles. They like it so far. _"I know I'm just a friend to you, that I will never get to call you mine."_

"_But I still love you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you. I didn't mean to say what I said. I miss you, I mean it, I tried not to feel it but I can't get you out of my head,"_ Kou jumps in and I give him a grateful smile. The host club is watching with wondrous eyes and I can pick out Kyoya from the booth. He is staring at me with his mouth wide open. A red feeling flows into my cheeks and I start to loosen up with the beat.

"_And I want you to miss me when I'm not around you. I know that you're in town. Why won't you come around to the spot that we met?"_ I sing out stronger and look at Kou. He moves his body with the beat and I can't help but match his. A smile comes to both of our faces as we join in together.

"_I'm not the type of girl for you and I'm not going to pretend that I'm the type of girl you call more than a friend,"_ we sing. Kou grabs my hand and twirls me. I laugh into the mic and nearly miss the next lyrics. _"And I break all the rules for you, break my heart and start again. I'm not the type of girl you call more than a friend."_

"_I bet she acts so perfectly. You probably eat up every word she says. And if you ever think of me, I bet I'm just a flicker in your head,"_ Kou sings to me and I stare at him as he dances next to me. He has a nice voice, and it's mostly from him singing at the top of his lungs to wake me up on the weekends.

"_But I still love you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you. I didn't mean to say what I said. I miss you, I mean it, I tried not to feel it but I can't get you out of my head,"_ I sing back to him and I feel so happy. When I look to the crowd, they have begun to sway in their chairs and I smile largely. The host club cheers and I wave at them, Tamaki waving back as he jumps up and down.

"_And I want you to miss me when I'm not around you. I know that you're in town. Why won't you come around to the spot that we met?"_ Kou sings and I turn back to him as we switch spots on the stage.

"_I'm not the type of girl for you and I'm not going to pretend that I'm the type of girl you call more than a friend,"_ we sing. Kou and I dance as we the crowd starts to give whistles. _"And I break all the rules for you, break my heart and start again. I'm not the type of girl you call more than a friend."_

"_I'll make time for you,"_ I sing to Kou and he grins even larger.

"_I'll make time for you,"_ he sings to me and I bounce my head up and down.

"_I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you. I didn't mean to say what I said,"_ I sing and it comes out with so much emotion. I really do love Kou. He's my best friend. My other friends are in the crowd. This is so perfect.

"_I miss you, I mean it, I tried not to feel it but I can't get you out of my head,"_ he sings and his laughter almost messes up our perfect song.

"_I'm not the type of girl for you and I'm not going to pretend that I'm the type of girl you call more than a friend. And I break all the rules for you, break my heart and start again. I'm not the type of girl you call more than a friend,"_ we sing and I know the song is ending. Kou grabs my hand and squeezes it.

"_I'll make time for you,"_ he sings and my body feels so warm. My chest clenches and I see the happiness in his eyes.

"_I'll make time for you,"_ I sing softly to him. He gives me another twirl and goes on.

"_I'll make time for you,"_ he mutters softly and I laugh as he bumps his head with mine.

"_I'll make time for you_," I tell him back, ignoring the melody. The boy kisses my forehead and I laugh. The beat comes to an end and I look to the crowd. Everyone looks at us and for a moment they are speechless. I feel fear enter into me and I clench Kou's hand harder than I should. That is until everyone in the place stands up and starts clapping. I can see what Tamaki meant by surprise as the dude who took our song order comes up and places sashes around us and plastic crowns on our heads.

"We had our king and queen early tonight but I know no one can top them," he says into his own microphone.

I blush and look at the host club. They have disappeared but I find them again when they surround us in a group hug. I laugh as they squeeze us from all sides. My heart pounds but more in happiness than nervousness. They congratulate us and I laugh as Tamaki messes up Kou's hair, much to the boy's dismay. They look at me no differently than each other and I realize something. They see me as their friend. I am finally truly their friend. I smile as they drag me back to the booth. I'm their friend.

* * *

"Nee-chan," Sakura calls out and I turn to the small girl. She and Kiyoko are dressed in yellow t-shirts and jeans. Kiyoko is next to her and I watch them with their cotton candy, hands pink and sticky. "Can we go on the Ferris wheel before we leave?"

"I'm sure we can. But they're closing soon, so we'll have to head over now," I tell them. They jump and down, Haruka next to me watching them with a smile. The quiet girl is wearing a black skirt and black tights with a light blue shirt and as always is quiet while watching everyone else.

We've been at the amusement park for almost six hours. The sun is going to set in thirty minutes and the place will close at dark. The kids have been having fun, riding rides and watching the different kid shows the place puts on. Shoyo nearly passed out when he saw his favorite television characters. Yuu was a little unimpressed until we put him on dragons that spun like teacups—he nearly threw up. Makoto was happy to get sugary food, but was winding down with exhaustion. Kan was just happy to get to come to an amusement park for the first time.

Which actually, Kan and Haruka were helpful with watching the two young girls while we always held onto Makoto, Shoyo and Yuu. The boys were currently in the bathroom and I waited with the girls outside. Ritsu was a little sad that he couldn't hold my hand while we were here—us holding Makoto between us—but he was still happy nonetheless. We talked about a bunch of things while we walked around and the boy asked me about yesterday.

I told him that it was actually fun. He couldn't believe that I actually went up and sang. I told him I was surprised too, but I didn't sing another song after the first. I did sit with my blow up crown the entire night and stopped drinking alcohol so I wouldn't get plastered. The others sang Japanese pop songs that I didn't recognize. Kyoya and Haruhi took so much convincing to go up and try a song. They relented after Tamaki was nearly in tears. It was fun and I didn't wake up with a hangover so that was a plus.

"That sounds awesome," Ritsu tells a child as they come out of the bathroom. I turn around and see my boyfriend carrying Makoto as the child gestures wildly. Ritsu looks at me and smiles gently before going back to the conversation. Shoyo and Yuu run up to me and I look down at them.

"Can we go on the Ferris wheel?" Shoyo asks excitedly. Sakura and Kiyoko interrupt before I can answer, but I don't really mind.

"Susan said we could," Kiyoko tells them and they all jump up and down.

They're going to be exhausted tonight. Ritsu comes closer to me and bumps into my hip, my dress swaying with the action. We dressed almost identically today and I am starting to question what's in our wardrobes. I wear a black skater dress and black thigh high socks. My boots hide my knives because I couldn't bring my gun with the kids. Ritsu wears black jeans with a chain on the side of them and a dark green hoodie. His shirt is black also but has the white words 'if found, please don't return' in English. I laughed when I first saw it.

The kids all dress similar to each other but the most drastic is always Shoyo and Yuu. Today they have blue shorts with black and light blue striped shirts. They even wear their hair with the same parting. Makoto had on his regular jean jumper with a red shirt. I was worried when none of them had jackets but knew that they would be back home before it got really cold.

"I told them we can go on the Ferris wheel before we left," I tell my boyfriend and he nods. His hair is pulled back with a band but it is somehow still messy.

"We better head over there then," he replies and puts Makoto down.

I grab the child's left hand while Ritsu grabs his right. Yuu makes his way to hold my other hand while Shoyo goes on Ritsu's other side. Kan and Haruka lead the way with the girls walking in front of us. Kan looks at the map and directs us, Ritsu having a poor sense of direction and me not really good with maps. The park is starting to get empty but lines still remain for the large rollercoasters scattered around the park. We didn't ride many coasters because we have such small kids but Kan and Haruka did go on one that was relatively large as we stood in line for lunch.

We get to the Ferris wheel in no time and the line is very short. There can only be two to a car but Makoto is so small, so he can go with me and Ritsu. I pair up Haruka with Shoyo and Kan with Yuu, putting them on the car as it comes around. The girls get their own and they nearly shake the car with excitement. Ritsu helps me get in a green car before handing me Makoto. He gets in after I sit Makoto down and we are lifted up into the air.

"We're so high!" Makoto screams as we get partly up on the turning wheel.

Ritsu chuckles deeply and I smile at the small boy as he puts his hand out into the air. Ritsu puts his arm on the back of the car and places his hand on my shoulder, rubbing it while looking out at the view. I steal a glance at him and find him with large eyes surveying at the land before us. They faced the wheel towards the city and it looks beautiful as the sun sets. Ritsu's face is shadowed and I feel my heart pound as he smiles. He's so handsome and I'm so lucky. My hand comes up and lays on his. The boy turns and looks at me happily, grabbing my hand is.

"It's a nice view," I mutter as I blush a bit. Ritsu nods and we both look back out to the world. The wheel goes around twice more and we stop at the top for a bit as the people get out at the bottom. Makoto moves in the seat and I look down at him to find a frown. "What's wrong Makoto?"

"Well," he starts out and then frowns deeper. I frown myself and Ritsu squeezes my hand as he notices the boy's expression. "Is this what it feels like to have a mom and a dad?"

I flinch with the question and it's my turn to hold tighter onto the hand in my own. This poor boy. He was like me. He didn't know what it meant to have parents. We grew up without anyone. But he has it worse because he doesn't go out as much as I did. I learned to fend for myself relatively early and I knew that my caretakers were nice but they weren't what parents were. I feel my eyes start to be misted with tears. I wipe at them with my free hand and steady my voice.

"I suppose it would. Why, what do you feel?" I ask softly.

"I feel happy," he replies without hesitation.

"Well sometimes people aren't happy with parents. It doesn't matter who you feel happy with, as long as you're happy," Ritsu tells the boy to keep him from being sad. The boy won't have parents. We all know it. But that doesn't mean we should tell him he won't ever be happy.

"Will I find a mom and dad?" Makoto asks and it breaks my heart. For the moment, I don't know what to say. Do I give him false hope? Do I break his dream of having parents? What do I do?

"We can be your parents," Ritsu blurts out and I pale. What the hell did he just say? I turn to the redhead and he looks at me with an open mouth. He mouths 'help' and I know he just blurted that out. He pales with me and retracts his arm. We can't be parents. Japan won't give us a child. I'm a foreigner and we're not even eighteen. I'm a gang lord for god's sakes! We couldn't adopt Makoto if we wanted to.

"Really?" Makoto asks and I bite my lip. Do I tell him that Ritsu was lying? God Ritsu why did you just blurt that out? Of all things to tell the kid. I swallow hard and look at Makoto. He's staring up at me with all the hope in the world, eyes shining and smile larger than his face could ever hold. I can't break him.

"Yah," I breathe out. Before the boy could say anything, I grab his small hand in mine. "But we can't take you away from the orphanage for a long time. We aren't old enough but as soon as we can be called your parents, we will. For now though, we'll visit you like we have been and pick you up and stuff. Okay?"

"I like that," Makoto replies.

I sigh as he looks back out. It feels like I just diffused a bomb. My lungs can finally get in air without the constriction of fear and uncertainty. Ritsu reaches out and lifts my chin to look at him. He seems confused and I just shake my head to tell him we'll talk about this later. The boy looks down reprimanded for getting us into so much trouble. The Ferris wheel ride ends without any more promises to father children or adoptions. Ritsu is quiet as we get back on the bus to ride home.

The kids are starting to get tired, Makoto falling asleep on the ride. Shoyo and Yuu make their way onto our laps while the girls use as pillows. The bus takes us home and it is an hour into the darkness that we get to our exit. When we get off a block away from the orphanage, carrying the two small boys and leading the small girls, Kan takes Makoto to help us while holding Haruka's hand. Ritsu is quiet and he probably expects an earful when we leave the kids.

I am going to give him a talk about telling impressionable children things that involve me without even asking me. What if I didn't want to have a kid with you Ritsu? Huh? What would you tell Makoto then? Stupid idiot of a handsome boy. Why do you have to be so dumb sometimes? Why do you think I even want kids? I mean, I wouldn't mind adopting the orphans, but consult me first. Don't just expect me to go with the plan after you've set it in motion. I'm steaming as we get to the orphanage and my phone rings from my boot. I let go of Kiyoko's hand to answer it.

"Hello?" I ask as I stop our group. We stand under a street light three houses from our destination. The night fell quickly and I attempt to not glare at Ritsu as I deal with the call.

"Susan, where are you?" Fu asks a little too quickly to be nothing. I feel my back straighten and I gulp.

"We're almost to the orphanage. What's going on?" I ask calmly to not scare the kids. Ritsu knows my tone though and looks at me worriedly. I give him a tight smile and put my phone on my shoulder. My free hand grabs the young girl and I start walking us faster.

"We might have a situation here at the syndicate. I don't think you should come home until I clear it. Can you stay at the orphanage? We'll send a patrol with the cousins and some others to watch the place," he tells me. I walk us a little quicker and glance at Ritsu. I can't let him go home. If someone is after me, he's safer with me than if I let him go home after they see him as a target. He's perfect bait to lure me out.

"I can but have the men a little father out and only the cousins so close to the house. I don't want too much activity in one place. Call me at a reasonable hour when this is resolved," I tell Fu and I hear the man grunt.

"Of course Susan-sama. Stay safe," he barks out and I know he's ordering men while we have this call.

"You too and that's an order. I don't need you to do anything dangerous if it can be helped," I tell him strongly. The man grunts once again and hangs up. We get to the front door of the orphanage as I close my phone. Shimizu-san opens the door, giving her trademark scowl. She takes Makoto from Kan and we enter the house. The woman is going to take Makoto to his room but I grab her sleeve, green kimono soft under my fingers.

"Can Ritsu and I stay the night? There's something going on and I don't want to leave the kids vulnerable," I whisper to her. She gives me an angry face but I see her look at the kids. When she looks back at me, I can see her fear. She nods and then changes her face to one of annoyance.

"We only have one extra bed and it's in Makoto's room," she tells us and Ritsu steps in.

"It's okay. We can share," he tells her. The woman is scandalized for a moment before she looks back at me. I shrug and she blanches.

"He's a gentleman and we won't do anything but sleep if we're with Makoto. I swear," I tell her and she hesitates. Her body wavers before she sighs one last time.

"You better not do anything while in this house or I will skin you alive," she threatens. I've gotten used to the woman and she no longer scares me. She is just like a gang lord actually. She starts to lead us and we follow, taking the kids to their rooms. The girls' room is first in the hall.

Haruka hugs me and I pet her head softly. She hugs Ritsu even quicker and then disappears as always. Kiyoko and Sakura hug me at the same time and then hug Ritsu even longer than me. He's their favorite ever since he let them braid his hair. They go into the room and we go down the hall. We enter the boys' room as always, placing both Yuu and Shoyo into their beds after taking off their shoes. Kan sits on his waiting for me to kiss his forehead, a habit that we didn't stop since that one night I did it on impulse.

After tucking them in, we enter the hall once again to find Shimizu waiting for us. She nods and leads us past the bathroom to a large room. There is one queen bed on the side and a small bed for Kan on the other. A nine drawer dresser is placed between them with a window above it. Other than that, there is a nightstand at the foot of the small bed, but no other furniture. The walls are a darker blue and stars are on the ceiling, some stick-ons that will probably glow in the dark. Shimizu lays Makoto in his bed after she puts him in pajamas. I look at Ritsu and he looks at me guiltily. I can't lose it and start yelling at him when I start talking. Shimizu-san would probably kick us out then and we can't have that.

"You can wash up in the bathroom and you know where the kitchen is for water. Behave yourselves or else you won't step foot into my home again," Shimizu says in a whisper. Ritsu and I nod and the woman leaves. For a moment, I stand with my hands on my hips while Ritsu sweats bullets. After a moment of calm breathing, I grab his sleeve and drag him into the hall. He stands awkwardly in front of me and doesn't meet my eyes. I huff and pinch his arm, a little hard at that.

"Ow," Ritsu yelps. "Babe, come on. It was an accident."

"Oh, telling a kid we were going to be his **parents** is an accident. What were you thinking?" I whisper angrily. The boy rubs his arm and I have the urge to yell at him.

"I just spit it out."

"No shit Sherlock. Why did you tell him that of all things?"

"I don't know. I saw you were so sad and I didn't want you to think I was going to abandon you or him," he rambles. I feel myself simmer quietly and Ritsu goes on as he gets more hysterical. "I know that you might not want to be with me or that you might not want kids but Makoto was so happy to be with us. I didn't want him to think parents are always good. I wanted to show him that anyone who cares about you could be a parent and then I thought, hey, we care about him. So we could be his parents."

"Okay, but why did you automatically jump to us as parents. We so young and we aren't even married," I argue quietly. Ritsu looks at me and his eyes are open and honest.

"But, but," he sputters and I know he's going to blurt something out again. "I wouldn't mind marrying you."

"What?" I half yell. I clamp my mouth shut and Ritsu blushes deeply. His foot kicks at the floor and he looks back down.

"I would want to marry you when we get older. I've always told you that I wouldn't leave you and I don't plan on breaking up with you ever, so we could get married when we get older. That's if you want to marry me," he murmurs into the semi-lighted hall.

I nod at him with wide eyes. This boy is really serious about me. God, he's had thoughts about marriage with me. God, I thought he might tire of me or see that I'm a cold-blooded killer, but here he is, thinking about spending the rest of his life with me. I don't know whether to be concerned with his thought process or to be delighted that he loves me that much. I am happy though. I am ridiculously happy. This might be moving a little fast but I don't give a damn anymore. He's not actually proposing to me.

"Well," I start out, the word coming out hoarse. Ritsu's head pulls up like a marionette and he is scared. I step closer to him and put my hand around his neck. "We are not going to get married any time soon and I swear if you ask me to marry you before we've both graduated, I will die. Though I don't hate the idea of marrying you, I've never thought about it, but we can get married, someday."

"You aren't going to break up with me because I'm like a love struck fool?" he asks shakily and I laugh as I blush.

"I'm not going to break up with you because you're worse than a young adult novel protagonist," I giggle out. The boy breathes out, relieved that I didn't kick him to the curb. "It's a little fast and I haven't thought about this stuff, but we can do it all if you want. You know, the marriage stuff, adopt kids to have a family, hell even get a dog, we can do it all."

"You're serious? You're not just humoring me," he asks and I wrap my other arm around his neck. He immediately grabs my hips and lowers his face. His forehead hits mine and I look into his eyes. They look at me and seem to sparkle. He is really happy that I don't mind doing what he might want to do.

"No, I'm serious. These things won't happen for a while, right?" I ask him to confirm that he isn't going to pop out with a ring next week.

"I promise not to do any of this stuff until we've both graduated," he says strongly and I smile at him.

"Then it's fine with me. You're going to have to be the one to think about marrying a mobster, but whatever you decide we'll deal with it then. Just like I told Makoto, you guys have to wait," I tell him and he smiles largely at me. God is he a hopeless romantic. I'm the practical one in the relationship but I really don't mind. Seeing him like this is exciting and it makes me happy that he is happy enough to stay with me.

"Alright and I'm sorry I just blurt stuff out," he apologizes and then leans down to kiss me. I rise up and kiss him once before we're caught by Shimizu-san.

"Just take a breath and think about it next time," I tell him and let him go. We can't do too much. Shimizu will seriously skin us. I look towards the bathroom and push Ritsu towards the bedroom. "I'm going to go wash up. Don't wake anyone up."

"Yah right. You were the one who looked like they were gonna yell at me," he jokes and I stick my tongue out at him. He chuckles and we part ways.

I enter the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My reflection shows me many things. First my cheeks are tinged pink and my smile enhances the color. My lips are sticking out and I know it's because they're waiting for more kisses, but I know we can't tonight. Tomorrow morning maybe, but we have to be civil tonight. Then my eyes are wide but they are tired. Today has been a long damn day.

After my inspection is done, I wash up and take off my dress. My boots come off and I make sure the knives are secured. I'll have to put them next to the bed just in case something will happen. I wash up and my sports bra gets a little wet but my spandex shorts are totally dry. I'm glad that I wore shorts underneath my dress. I'll have to either sleep in my dress or maybe I can borrow a shirt from Shimizu. Shit, where is her bedroom? I didn't ask. Maybe Ritsu knows.

I leave the bathroom but look into the hall to find no one. I hold my dress around my chest but don't put it on by the mere fact that there is no one awake. Making my way to Makoto's room, I carry my boots in my hand. I slowly open the door and see that Ritsu has turned on a softer light, illuminating the room as he sits on the bed. When he sees me, he rises a bit and I smile as I put my boots next to the door.

"Do you know where Shimizu-san's room is?" I ask the boy and he doesn't answer. Ritsu stares and I feel my dress slip away leaving me without a shirt. I'm not worried because I'm not really showing anything more than the boy's seen but he still gasps. I look at him to find him wide eyed. I rise and look behind me just in case he isn't gasping at me, to find no one there. Turning back around, he gets out of the bed and shuffles to me with a red face.

"Babe, put this on," he tells me as he takes off his hoodie. He roughly puts it around me and then waits for me to put my arms through. I look at him as he has a strange look in his face. I feel my knees hit each other and I watch Ritsu with curiosity. The hoodie remains open and tilt my head as I smirk a bit.

"What's wrong?" I ask softly, to not wake up Makoto.

Ritsu looks at me and then pushes me against the door. I allow him to do it for a moment before he comes closer; the boy leaves a path open if I want to leave but I stay still for a moment to look at his face. There is a look in his eyes and they are hooded as he licks lips. A rough hand goes on the bare skin of my waist and I shiver with the contact.

Ritsu is warm and he steps closer and he has to look down into my eyes. His other hand goes onto my hip and then travels a little lower to where my shorts end. For some odd reason, I raise my leg and Ritsu picks it up bit and pulls it into him. My chest rises as I breathe hard and my bra hits his chest. Ritsu leans forward and my body is so warm with butterflies in my stomach.

"You are really, really gorgeous," he tells me in a husky voice. My body shivers as his hand rubs up and down my body. I now get what is in his eyes. He is looking at me with desire—physical desire, sexual desire. My heart pounds and I wait for the feeling of dirtiness to come over me. Any second now I am going to start having a flashback and want to get away from him. He is going to be seen as a threat and I'm going to freak out.

But there is something about his look and the look of those before him. He leaves enough room between us that I don't feel trapped. His hands are rough in texture but his caresses are so gentle. He isn't forcing me to do anything. My body doesn't feel like it did. Instead it feels warm and yearns to be touched. He isn't a threat, he's a goal. God, I want him too. This isn't being on my best behavior at all.

"Only one kiss," I tell him softly. His eyes widen a bit and his hand around my thigh kneads into flesh softly. I gulp and know that this is even dangerous. "One kiss and then our best behavior."

I don't get to tell him anymore because the boy quickly lowers his mouth to mine. Ritsu is going to make the most of this one kiss as he makes quick work to part my lips. His tongue licks at my lower lip and I hold back a rumble in my chest that could possibly be a moan. My hands stop bracing myself on the door and enter his hair. I roughly pull red strands of his hair as he explores my mouth. I push back and take control of the kiss and my tongue hits his teeth. Ritsu squeezes my leg and the kiss ends with my teeth holding his lower lip lightly.

I open my eyes to find him looking down at me with want. He wants more. I want more. We can't have more though. I kiss his lip while it is still in my grasp and then release. The boy frowns a bit before he lowers my leg. My heart clenches with anticipation, as my body yearns for more. Before I forget everything about being civil, Ritsu snorts and then pouts. I smile at him as I let go of his head, watching his pout with amusement.

"So cruel to work me up and then expect me to go to sleep," he teases and I scoff. His hands go to my stomach and I feel him zip up the hoodie. He pulls the zipper to the top and I huff.

"Not like I'm going to fall asleep easily," I say smartly and he rolls his eyes. He pulls the hood over my head and then stands back. I move out of the way and walk to the bed. The door opens and I realize it doesn't close until I feel eyes on me. I look at the door to find Ritsu staring at me, well more like my butt. I snort and then wave at him. "Stop checking out my butt and go wash up."

"It's a good view," he replies quickly as he escapes. I feel my face blush and I wish that I could throw a pillow at him. He left no doubt because he was blushing too.

I go to get my boot, having forgotten it in the moment with Ritsu. Placing the shoe on the floor next to the bed, I check my phone and lay it on the dresser. No one called and I hope everything is going okay over there. Maybe it was a good thing I was out and not there. The twins and Fu can handle anything that will happen. I climb into bed a little worried and lay down. Laying towards Makoto, I can see his sleeping face is peaceful. I smile and hear Ritsu come back into the room. He holds his jeans his hands and wears red boxers. I feel my eyes widen and I blush as I look back at Makoto. The light turns off and I feel myself calm a bit.

"Hot are we?" I say cheekily through my embarrassment and Ritsu guffaws.

"My jeans are too tight to sleep in," he groans softly and then quickly climbs into bed. I make a noise of disbelief and he gets under the covers. When I'm sure that he is under, I turn and hand him his own pillow. "I swear."

"Just go to sleep," I giggle as he looks at me worriedly. He's worried I'm going to be angry. I'm not. It's just a little embarrassing. We sleep away from each other but turn to face each other.

I fall into sleep quickly and hard. It isn't until I'm awakened with someone's presence above me that I wake with a start. I reach for my blade as my eyes thrust open. With the action I nearly throw Makoto off the bed. I calm my heart and look at the boy in the darkness. His eyes are scared in the moonlight flooding from the window. I sit up a bit, Ritsu softly snoring next to me and oblivious to my near killing of any assailant.

"I had a bad dream," Makoto fills in before I could ask him what was wrong. The boy clutches his pillow and I smile softly.

"I'm sorry. You can sleep with us. Just let me move over," I tell the boy as I open the covers. Then I turn and shake Ritsu softly. He doesn't wake up for a small while and when he does, he just yawns in my face. "Babe, move over. Makoto had a bad dream."

Ritsu makes a noise of approval and moves over a bit. It isn't enough if I don't sleep closer to my boyfriend. So I pull Ritsu to face the same direction as I had been and crawl under his arm. The boy breathes hard as he falls back asleep, pulling me closer to him. Makoto has room and finally gets under the covers with us. He places his pillow and faces towards me as he lays down. I pull him a little higher in the bed and then sigh as I feel sleep reach me again.

"Thank you Okaa-san. Good night," the small child tells me sleepily.

"Good night Makoto."

I feel my heart skip a beat with his words. Closing my eyes, I feel strangely complete. The lines between playing house and actually being the mother in this fictional relationship skew. I am far from anyone's mother. I am far from a wife. But it somehow fits right now. Am I playing the role or is the role fitting me? I don't know, but I feel better with the thought that Makoto and the kids won't be without me and Ritsu. Even if we aren't really their parents, I would rather be with them than without them.

I fall asleep wondering if I'm just playing house with these kids and Ritsu or if this house is another role I play with the kids and Ritsu.

* * *

**This chapter is like 13,000 words and my word document crashed at like 10,000 and i was going to die. I literally was so thankful it got recovered. See kids, this is why you have a onedrive that i uploads to every couple of minutes. Hope you like the chapter. I am trying to get where I want to get to really destroy everything for a moment. Then i will repair it like bird with a broken wing. I hope. I don't know. I'm tired. OH and Christmas in in like, wow, 22 hours, so Merry Early Christmas is you celebrate Christmas. I missed Hanukkah, so happy belated Hanukkah. Merry whatever you may celebrate or not celebrate. So in general, happy lives everyone. **

**Song is Your Type by Carly Rae Jepson from her new album Emotions. I like it. A friend of mine got me hooked on it. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys!)**


	29. Speak Up

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Speak Up**

"**Sometimes not speaking says more than all the words in the world."**

― **Colleen Hoover, _Ugly Love_**

"**When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret."**

― **Shannon L. Alder**

* * *

The room was filled with music from multiple instruments and voices. Today was the last day for the music club and their assignment of their favorite pieces. I had let them choose whatever song they wanted and they were delighted. Ritsu and I watch the kids from the front as we make sure they aren't just goofing off. It was about time to be done with practice but I wanted to give them their next assignment before summer came. As it was, summer break was looming two weeks away and exams were scheduled for next week.

"Okay guys," I say over the noise. They calm down a bit but aren't yet totally quiet. Ritsu shifts next to me and I can feel his nervousness. He still hasn't gotten used to the crowd of kids. I shift towards him and he takes a deep breath as my skirt brushes his pant leg.

"Oi, listen up," Ritsu barks out a little to harsh to be calm. All the kids look at me with slight embarrassment of having to get reprimanded. Most of the kids aren't even scared of Ritsu anymore. They've learned that he just looks angry when most of the time, he's just confused. The boy is going to bark something else out but I put my hand on his arm. He leans into my palm and scowls at the children. He's been a bit grumpy today and I have yet to find out why. My hand retracts as I lean my shoulder into his and look to the group.

"Alright so you all know that summer break is approaching quickly and this is our last meeting before summer," I tell the kids. They look back with smiles and nods. "For this last assignment I want you guys to pair up with someone with the same instrument as you and learn what their favorite song is. After that I want you guys to switch songs and learn each other's favorites. When we meet again in summer, you show your friend how you've practiced."

"What if we don't have a favorite?" Shiro asks in a bored tone. I turn to him and give a frown.

"Then I will be forced to give you a song of my choice," I reply and the boy stiffens as I give a smirk. He nods shakily, knowing that I will not hesitate to give him a song harder than necessary. I look back at all the kids and smile largely. "I hope you guys have a nice end of the week and we'll hopefully see you when we all come back to school."

The kids all nod and then get up. They already have their pairs set, most having friends they normally play with. Kan comes to the front and I know that he and Ritsu can exchange pieces with their woodwinds. I won't have a partner but just as well, my hands were beginning to act up from the constant playing. As it was, Kou finally had a piano delivered to the house and makes me play for him after we eat. The twins and cousins, along with Fu and Kou, enjoy my music and I enjoy seeing their happiness.

Everyone finishes within five minutes and as usual I'm left alone with Ritsu. The boy goes to put his things away while I grab my backpack. As I look at the boy's back, I can see the tension in his mood. Something isn't right and I can't take him stomping around like a child any longer. So heaving a large sigh, I wait for him to turn to me. When he does, he has a silent frown and I raise a brow as I smirk. He still is adorable when he's moody—something like grumpy cat.

"Okay what's wrong?" I ask as my hands go to my hips. The boy looks at me, opens his mouth and then proceeds to close it again. He was going to lie and thought better, he's such a smart boy sometimes. But at the same time, he doesn't answer and only turns away from me, angry face still gracing his features. I sigh and tilt my head at him. "You're going to get wrinkles if you keep that frown up."

"I always have a frown," he argues childishly. I snort and go closer to him.

"And that's why you already have wrinkles," I tell him. He looks at me with an angry expression as I take his face in my hands. I look at him softly and know I'll be worried if he keeps this up. His expression falters and I attempt to guilt him into telling me. "Please tell me. I don't like seeing you unhappy and not knowing what's wrong."

He looks at me with a sudden sad look and I know that this anger involves me somehow. He takes my hands off of his face and pulls them down. As he shifts his gaze to our hands, I can feel the uncertainty in his stance. He's going to tell me but he's unhappy about it. When he finally lifts his head, defeated look on his face, he licks his lips and opens his mouth.

"The vice principal wants to see us. I think it's because the old teacher has come back and we won't get to teach the club anymore," he says softly. I listen until he's finished but can't hold back the sadness from my expression. "I know you didn't get to take anyone to a competition and I was angry for not checking on it sooner. There's a competition in summer and I think Kan can go but I don't know if we'll have the opportunity."

"We have to ask the vice principal then," I tell Ritsu. He looks at me with a guilty expression, angry at himself for not doing something sooner. "It's my fault too because I got too wrapped up and forgot the competitions. But I'm really happy that you found one for Kan. He has gotten a lot better and I think he can go really far."

"I thought that too," Ritsu replies as he slowly gets his moody expression back.

I grab his hand and pull him. He swiftly grabs his bag and we exit the room. I release his arm once we get into the hall and lead the trek to the office on the other side of the building. The redhead is quiet and I know he's grown attached to the kids. This was fun for the both of us and as much as he would hate to admit it, the kids were happy with the both of us and even liked him more at times.

We were halfway to the office when I felt something was off. It was like I was being watched. I hadn't felt it since I first came to Ouran, reminding me of when the host club who would follow me everywhere. It wasn't until I turned around and saw Honey approaching at top speed that I realized it was my host club sensor. Ritsu stopped and when he saw the blonde third year almost to us, he wanted to freak out. I put my hand up and when it came time, caught Honey who was flying in the air.

"Su-chan!" he yells as Mori makes his way to our group. The brunette has a light coating of sweat from having to keep up with his cousin. My heart starts to pick up it's pace but with Ritsu by my side, I am comforted and can breathe normally.

"Hey Honey," I tell him as I place him on the floor. The boy looks at me and then looks at Ritsu and then back to me.

"Who's your friend?" he asks cheekily and I can see the mischievous glint in his eyes. My own eyebrow raises and the blonde continues with his look, our glaring contest interrupted by Mori. I give Ritsu a quick glance and he's interested in what I'm going to tell my friends, if I'll admit that he's actually mine and not just someone I know. But there is nothing to be ashamed about. Ritsu is nothing but great. There isn't a reason in the world that I don't believe he's the best. He's amazing.

"This is Ritsu Onoda," I tell them and they look at the boy with curiosity. I smile proudly at the redhead and he frowns to keep the blush from his face. "He's my boyfriend."

"Really now?" Honey asks teasingly as he begins to circle said boyfriend.

Ritsu turns as Honey turns around him, the redhead giving me a confused expression. I smile and Mori is next to me, giving a similar smile to his cousin. Honey finally stops and stands right in front of the first year, looking up. Ritsu gives me the help look but I just shrug my shoulders. If he's my boyfriend he might as well get used to my friends—both have to coexist. I'll save him if it gets bad and he knows that when I smile softly at him, him giving me a slight invisible pout.

"What you want?" he asks Honey in slightly irritated tone. He tries to hold back the scowl but he stares at the blonde with an intensity I know he can't take. Honey steps back a bit, Mori stepping forward with a smidgen of fear. I grab Mori's arm, the large boy looking at me with a surprised expression, but I will not allowing my boyfriend to be turned on.

"You're just like Su-chan when she gets angry," Honey says as he takes a another step back. The boy looks at me and I can see the glint in his eye. This can't be good. "Su-chan do you want to go shopping with us on Friday? Ritsu-chan can come too."

I look at the redhead and he has wide eyes. He didn't expect to be invited anywhere with me. I'm surprised Honey even offered. It must be some part of a grand scheme to get me to do something or other. But Ritsu gives me a conflicted look as he tries to come up with an answer. I can see his reasoning. If he refuses he seems like he doesn't like my friends and they would immediately be wary and careful with him. If he accepts, then he would have to spend the better half of a Friday night with annoying people while trying to walk on eggshells to not piss them off. I guess I'll save him now.

"Honey, we have to go talk to the vice principal. I'll check if Kou hasn't planned stuff for us that day and I'll text you later, okay?" I offer with a soft voice. I put a hair behind my ear as the blonde hugs me quickly. My heart beats rapidly and Mori is kind enough to take his cousin away while Ritsu comes to my side and puts his arm around me possessively. The two look at us with round eyes full of shock and curiosity, eager to know what made a gangster fall in love so easily.

"Alright," Honey says in an excited voice. Ritsu nods stiffly and I feel his fingers curl into my sweater as he tries not to fuck anything up.

"Thanks for the invitation," he replies courteously and I blush a bit as I realize that I'm really flaunting boyfriend in public. Mori nods while Honey makes his way to the larger one's back.

"No problem," Mori replies deeply and then nods as he turns away. Honey waves from his cousin's back with a wide mischievous smile.

"Bye Su-chan, Ritsu-chan. See you later!"

"See yah," I reply as I give a bit of a wave back. Ritsu just grunts and I wait until they disappear to let out the breath I had been holding. I can finally slouch, having been on edge with them and Ritsu pulls me closer. When I look over, I find that he's relieved that they left but also has a small excited but confused smile.

"Okay, so those were the third year guys?" he asks as he turns us to walk down the hall. I nod, having told him some details about each member. He actually knows Haruhi is a girl but I know he'll keep the secret and he wasn't too worried about it. "I can see what you mean when you say that Honey can't be taken at face value."

"You caught it?" I ask with a smile. Ritsu nods and I wonder if he would want hang out with my friends. "You don't have to accept their invitation for Friday. They'll probably just freak you out really."

"Yah but," Ritsu ponders slowly.

He is quiet and I have the real feeling that he might not ever like my friends. I swallow a bit as I think about them always being apart and me not having Ritsu by my side for big events with the host club. His friends don't ask me to go with them, but then again, Tetsuya is the only friend I know of his. Does he have more? I have never asked.

"Ritsu do you have friends?" I blurt out in folly. Ritsu tightens his hold and I regret ever saying the words.

"I have you and Tetsuya and Kou," he replies softly and it breaks my heart. I bite my lip as he turns to look at me with the most pitiful expression I have seen in the boy. "If I make friends with the host club, would you be happy?"

"It doesn't matter if it will make me happy if you don't want to hang out with them. It's fine if you don't want to come," I reply and Ritsu only looks down a bit. He's torn. This happens a lot in our relationship. He always seems to be stuck between two new options, always being a little indecisive. I could even imagine him picking petals off a flower to find out if he loves me or not. So, as I normally do, I push him by making him talk things out. I let go of him and stand before him without moving.

"What if they don't like me? I'm scary as it is," he tells me softly and I lift his head to look at me. He gives a slight frown and I smile at him, watching the way his eyes light up as I show him that he makes me happy.

"They'll like you and they're afraid of me most of the time, so it wouldn't be very different for them," I inform and he frowns a bit more.

"What if I don't like them?" Ritsu says a little childishly. This causes me to laugh because I know that they will take forever to get used to.

"Then you don't have to hang out with them," I reply as I calm my laughter. Ritsu scowls and I give him a little smirk. "Listen, you might not like them or they might not like you, but I'm giving up neither of you guys nor am I forcing you to mingle. Try Friday out so you know who they are, decide if they're for you and then we'll all be friends or not."

"I just want them to like me because then you wouldn't have to chose between us," he replies. He's so considerate. I know in reality that they'll like him because he's a misfit like the rest of us. It might be good for him to have friends who aren't in a gang. I want him to be happy too.

"They'll like you. Now let's go see what we can do about the club," I mutter softly as I pull him to follow me.

The boy follows and we walk next to each other, close enough that we bump sides. Ritsu doesn't necessarily like holding my hand while at school and I'm grateful he doesn't make us show huge signs of affection in public. He doesn't like kissing me with others watching but there are moments of excitement that he forgets his own boundaries.

And I know that we shouldn't appear like a couple to everyone. My gang doesn't really know about him and I know that if they catch me with him, they'll respect my privacy. It's just that it is dangerous for him to be seen with me without any formal understanding. Gangs here want everything and everyone to have a title, a place, that they can identify. Ritsu right now is an unknown.

"It'll be fine," Ritsu interrupts my thoughts. I turn to him as we approach the door to the office. He gives me a reassuring smile and I feel my heart clench. There are times I want to be the one to kiss him first. Blushing slightly, I nod as we enter the office and the secretary gives us a nervous smile.

"We're here to talk to Kazama-san about the music club," I tell the woman. She stares at us with wide eyes and I wring my hands nervously. Her eyes feel like they're piercing me and when I think I'll snap, she nods and leads us to the man's room.

"Kazama-san, they're here," she calls out and a grunt is heard in reply. She shuffles away and Ritsu leads the charge into the man's office. Kazama as usual is behind his desk and is writing in a pad folio. He's dressed in a brown suit and he looks up to us with a nervous half smile. We walk up to the desk slowly and sit in the chairs simultaneously. The man gulps and then closes his pad. He folds his hands and I can see he's a little worried about how we're going to take this whole meeting.

"How are you two enjoying the club?" he asks shakily. I smooth my skirt and Ritsu allows me to handle this conversation. I put my hand on the arm of the chair, Ritsu doing the same. He wants to lend me his strength and he does.

"It's nice and the kids have fun," I reply softly. The man's eyes widen and he leans forward.

"You like teaching them?" he asks with a surprised tone. I tilt my head and give a confused smile.

"Very much so," I reply strongly. The man chuckles and claps his hands. He looks at Ritsu and the boy gives a smirk at the man.

"You didn't think we would like the kids," Ritsu states with amusement. The vice principal gives us a doubtful look.

"I didn't know if you would get along," he starts off and then sees how our hands linger close to one another. Ritsu's pinky sits on top of mine and the old man's smile widens a bit. He looks at us with an amused face and goes on. "I didn't know if you would like the kids. I didn't know if the kids would like you. I didn't know if you guys could teach. But all seems to be going well."

"I would say so," I reply with a grin. The old man nods and then takes out a piece of paper. He hands it over and I take it with my right hand, putting it between me and Ritsu so we could both read. The paper was simple. It was a letter of resignation from the old club teacher. I feel the joy come to my face and I grab Ritsu's hand in mine. Looking at my boyfriend he has a relieved smile of his own.

"I am sorry to ask you guys but," the old man says and then stops to chuckle, "would you please continue to teach the music club?"

I put the paper on the desk and then look to the redhead. Ritsu tilts his head to me and I smirk a bit. Everything somehow worked out and we can continue to teach the kids, continue to teach together. When I turn back to the old man he has an excited smile on his face. I don't think he would ever realize how happy this will make both of us. It's going to take away the headache of finding someone over his summer vacation.

"We would love to," Ritsu answers for us. I squeeze the boy's hand and then, my phone rings. Taking my hand out of Ritsu's, I drag my phone out of my bag. It reveals Fu on the caller ID and I know something is really wrong.

"I'm sorry, but could you excuse me," I tell the old man and he must see the worry in my eyes. I've been getting too soft and readable. The old man nods and I don't look at Ritsu for fear that he'll freak out on me. My legs carry past them, past the secretary and into the empty hall. I open the phone and make my voice cool as a cucumber. "Hey, what's up?"

"We need you to come home immediately," Fu says equally calm. I swallow hard and Ritsu is at my side. He peers into my face and I can see the wide eyed fear coursing through his blood.

"What kind of situation is it?" I ask as I grab Ritsu and drag him to the front of the school.

"I sent the cousins to pick you up. Bring Ritsu with you," Fu speaks quickly and we enter the light. I thank god that Ritsu isn't asking all of those questions of what's going on and what's happening. What is scaring me is Fu not telling me straight forward what the situation really is at the house.

"Fu, tell me what is going on," I hiss. Ritsu shifts his hand to hold mine and I see the car.

"Kou got jumped by a small group of that local gang. We're holding his men hostage. Kou's home now but their leader is requesting an audience. I don't trust them not to jump Ritsu either so the cousins will take him home."

The cousins wait in the car and Hana gets out to hold the door open. I put Ritsu in the car first as my hand goes to my thigh holster. As I sit down on the seat, I have Sally in my hand and I'm taking off the safety. My anger is boiling over and my mind keeps thinking on how Kou is hurt. They hurt my brother. I become the lord of my gang in a second breath.

"You keep them there and get my formal wear out. If we're going to have an audience, it's going to be up to standard," I order.

"Hai Susan-sama."

I hang up after that, white knuckle grip on my gun. Ritsu sits next to me, quiet and patient for me to explain what is going on. Haru begins to drive away from the school and I take a deep breath. This will be the first time that someone close to me has been hurt. I'm going to have to make a stand to show everyone that this will not ever happen again. I am going to make them pay.

"You two are going to take Ritsu home immediately after you drop me off; then I want you on the street. I want every piece of information about this gang," I tell them and Haru nods. Hana turns and looks at Ritsu before turning to me with a serious face.

"And if we have to go out of our territory? If we have to break the treaty?" she asks with a stern voice. We're not a happy family right now. We're vengeful yakuza at the moment.

"If you need to, call and I'll go to Kasanoda. I don't want to break the treaty but we aren't letting them get away with this," I command. Hana nods and I know she's going to ask the question of what will happen if Kasanoda refuses having us on their land to find this gang. "Don't worry about my job. Worry about yours and don't you dare get hurt."

"Susan," Ritsu finally whispers. I know what I'll look like when I turn to him. I'm already in gangster mode without even concentrating. My blood is already flowing faster in my body, muscles aching for retribution. Though I have to turn to the boy. He has to see this part of me too, even if there is a fear beyond the mask I am wearing.

"Kou got hurt. I don't by whom exactly or how badly, but he's hurt. You're going to go home with the cousins. Don't go out tonight and have Tetsuya walk you to school. If something happens, you call me," I tell the boy strongly.

Ritsu looks at me and I can see the fear in his eyes.

My free hand goes out and I brush his messy hair back. His beautiful brown eyes are cold looking with his attempt to hold in his emotions. I want to give him a smile but I can't muster one that will make him feel better while in this mode. Ritsu grabs my hand and holds it against his cheek. The car begins to slow and I know we're already home. I already have to leave him.

"Don't get hurt," he whispers tenderly. I give him a soft look but it's more condescending than just soft. He can't know what I'm going to do to those men, who I'm going to kill tonight.

"I love you," I reply as I lean over.

That was the first time I've said those words first. Kissing him gently, I let my lips linger to his forehead. I kiss that too and feel Ritsu melt under my mouth. He loves me all the same, killer or pure. I get out of the car and Ritsu holds it open. Looking at him, he has gotten strong, harsh gangster look on his face.

"I love you so you come back to me, you hear?" he threatens and I give a soft chuckle. He stares at the gun in my hand and then looks up with a pleading look.

"I wouldn't dream of anything else," I reply.

Then I close the car door and watch the car drive away. My body wants to run after that car and tell that boy that everything will be okay. But my mind and even my heart is moving my body up the stairs to my syndicate, to avenge the wrong done to my brother. When I reach the top of the steps, there is a row of men who appear solemn. They look at me and then bow lowly.

"Welcome home Susan-sama," they chant and I nod to them as I walk down the path. When I get to the stoop, I look back and the men look at me with sad faces. My blood boils as I have a thought of Kou hurt badly.

"My men, there has been wrongs done to us this day. I will not stand for this. My men will not be treated this way. This is not how my family will be treated," I yell ferociously. My men startle but then they stand taller. Their eyes look at me with such pride and I nod to them. They cheer and I go inside. In his favorite chair I find Fu, hands holding his head while he's bent down. I make my way to him and lay a hand on his shoulder. He looks up and I find tears in his eyes.

"I shouldn't have let him go by himself. I should have sent someone with him. It's my fault," he murmurs to me. Fu's hand goes to his head and scratches his countless scars. His tears fall to the wood and I kneel in front of him.

"How bad is he?" I ask him softly and the man shakes his head. I shake his shoulder and he just stops moving. "How bad?"

"The doctor says he'll live. I'll have the doctor speak to you tonight," he tells me and I nod. Fu stops crying silently and stands. He's wept and now it is time to move on and finish business. "Your clothes are on your bed. The twins have the men in the basement. I'll call you when the leader is here and have some guys already in the meeting room for the audience."

"Good. I'll see Kou after," I tell the large man.

He nods and wipes his face with his black yukata sleeve. Turning around, I head to my room in silence. I pass Kou's room but don't dare hesitate. I can think about my brother in sadness after I deal with this business. I enter my room. On the bed lays the same kimono I wore when I first got here. The last time I wore this outfit was when I made the treaty with Kasanoda. Kou helped me dress that time.

I dress myself this time around. The green kimono has the white scenery at the bottom and the black over kimono has our daimon. I strip and lay Sally on my nightstand. I go to my armory and take out Harry and a duplicate of Sally. Taking out my shoulder holster along with the guns, I put on the under garments and then my kimono. I put my shoulder holster on and put Harry and the duplicate Sally. Looking at myself in the mirror, I know I'm not the same as that day. Something in my eyes is different.

I put my black kimono on and grab my gun. The door opens to reveal Fu. He gives me a stiff nod and I straighten my bangs out one last time in the mirror. My eyes hold so much fury and I know that these men aren't going to live. Death would be better for them than what I will do to them if they anger me. I leave my room and Fu leads me to the meeting room. I walk slowly, full of purpose, my gun shining in the light from the setting sun. We finally enter the room and I find two of my men and five of theirs.

The five are dressed unlike regular thugs. I can see the four soldiers from their lack of blazer jackets and only suit vests. The colors range from blue to black and one brown pant while all their shirts are white. The boss wears a black suit with white shirt and red tie. The leader looks at me with black hair in a ponytail, slight fear beyond his gangster frown.

"No hello?" I say in a level voice. The man looks at me blankly and I go to the right across from them with a table in between. My two men who are here to guard, stand as I sit in the chair. Fu is at my side and the leader sits across from me. His four men waver as they stand and I give them a raise of my brow.

"Crea-san, I've come to—"

"I'm going to stop you right there," I interrupt with a furious smile, gun being plopped onto the table. "You come into my home, where my family lives comfortably, where I sleep, where my brother is safe and you don't even say hello?"

"Crea-san I—"

"I wasn't done speaking you ignorant son of a bitch," I scream. My body rises and all of the men in the room flinch. I curl my lips back at the leader and he is frightened. "I have granted you an audience with one of the most powerful yakuza in this prefecture. You and your rag tag men can go up in smoke if I so much as have a bad hair day or sneeze in your direction."

"My apologies Crea-san," the leader says as he bows his head in sincerity. His men bow their heads with the man. I feel the vein in my temple pound with my anger. Fu leans towards me and I run a finger along my shiny gun that sits on the desk.

"Now we're sounding like a real meeting. So let's begin with some introductions. As you know I am Susan Crea and you are," I say softly, coaxing him to look at me so I can see the life leaving his eyes.

"I apologize again Crea-san. I am Neji Nawamura," he says with a slight tremor in his voice. I nod at him as he looks me in the eye. He fixes his tie as he swallows for strength. "Crea-san, I am here to ask for your mercy to spare my men whom you hold in your custody."

"You," I say as I hold the word longer than necessary. I then start laughing at them. It's more of a broken sound than actual humor. This is making me horribly tired—just everything about this is tiring. "Your men are as good as dead. What you should be asking me for is, is mercy for your gang."

"Crea-san, I respect you greatly, but my men did nothing," he airs but catches his mistake. I don't move as I turn to Fu. My father in arms looks down with a shake of his head-it's a lie.

"And how do you explain what happened to my brother? Are you telling me, to my face, that it was my brother's fault?" I ask in a cold voice. The man goes to open his mouth but I'm quicker. "I should kill you here and now. I should paint this room with your blood and run my hands through your lifeless hair as I take your eyes for prizes. This meeting is done if you say something I don't like again."

"I understand," he replies and I grab my gun, putting it in my lap. The leader is sweating like crazy and his eyes keep darting from me to Fu to me again. He's scared to death. The man brings up a shaky hand and runs it on top of his hair. "May I ask for the safety of my gang?"

"The ones who touched Kou, you have no chance with. The others you might be able to save. If you give me your gang and all of your land, profits and assets, I will make sure your men don't die by my hands," I reply with a small smile. I really hope he doesn't take the deal. The man bites his lip while his men look at him with scared faces. He gets up and I have my gun pointed at him. He bows lowly to me and I feel saddened that he is going to take my offer.

"Thank you for your kindness Crea-san but I must decline if you won't give me the men you have," he tells me with a shudder through his body. I smile largely and tilt my gun to the side.

"Why do you want them so badly?" I ask in curiosity. He's willing to give up the safety of his whole gang for a couple of guys. He stands straight and has tears in his eyes.

"One of the men is my brother and another is my sister's husband," he replies with a pleading voice.

They were close to him but were cocky and weren't careful. And he's willing to risk all of the other men's lives for two family members? I nod my head and then shoot him in the next second. The rest of his men try to bring their guns out but are already countered by Fu and the two men behind me. The leader falls back into the chair and his white shirt begins to match his tie. Damnit. I liked that chair.

"Now boys, we have two options," I proclaim as I get up. The four men look at me with wide eyes, one with blood spatter on his cheek. I smile largely and heave a sigh. "You have no boss, so I'm going to do this majority vote okay?"

"Yes Crea-san," they reply quickly.

"You can refuse my offer and leave here with a target on your backs as well as your colleagues or you can take it and live under my rule," I offer with a haughty voice. I look to the boss who bleeds into my chair and sigh with disgust. "I hate leaders who will save the few who are close to them even if it means their other men will die. As leaders our men trust us and we have to keep them safe, even if that means we have to let them go."

"We understand Crea-san," one of the men replies. I smile at him and then turn to Fu, patting his arm.

"Do you accept my offer?"

"We accept," they all chime in.

I nod to Fu and then walk away. I'm not even going to welcome them in. I'm too disgusted by their whole gang. I'll use them as dummies for the risky jobs. The four will get better with time but I don't have the patience to put up with them. I walk down the hall with my gun still in my hand. When I get to my room, I put all my weapons away but hear a noise on the other side of the wall. Rushing to Kou's room, I fling the door open to find the boy trying to get out of bed.

His face is completely bruised and his body is curled over in pain. There is a cast on his right arm, the other having an IV drip attached to it and I can see the bandages over his chest through his shirt. I rush to him and push him back into bed. Up close I can see his nose was broken and he has several stitches over his right eye but under his eyebrow. My eyes tear and I don't know if I can hug him or not. My hands go out but they stop with the fear I'll just irritate any wounds.

"Kou I'm so sorry," I tell him. Tears fall and he shakes his head. I watch his mouth open but he speaks no words. My worry intensifies with the tears coming out of his black eyes. "Kou what happened?"

The boy grabs my arm and I can see the sadness in his bruised face. I grab his hand and he gestures for me to come close. I lean down and he puts his forehead to mine. I cry harder with seeing his skin so swollen. It must hurt him so much. I should have protected him better. I shouldn't have let him out of my sight.

"Kou it's all my fault," I wail but he shakes his head.

I hear him cry out with the motion but he doesn't speak at all. Maybe it hurts for him to talk. I pull away and he cries harder as he takes my hand. He opens my palm and holds it up as his other hand comes to it. His index finger begins tracing lines on my hand and I don't understand for a moment. It isn't until I realize the pattern isn't random and that he's tracing the kanji for 'It's okay' over and over and over that I feel my heart sink.

"Speak up Kou. Tell me what happened and open your mouth," I instruct but the boy shakes his head. I rip my hand away and cry harder if possible. "Open your mouth Kou!"

He cries and closes his eyes. Then he opens his mouth and I feel sick to my stomach. His mouth is red and there are stitches down the entire length of his tongue. I keel over. They cut his tongue. They tried to cut his tongue out! I run out of the room and straight into Fu. He catches me and squeezes me to his body. I break down completely and the man cries with me. I pull away in a moment of pure rage and look at Fu.

"Find out why they did this. Torture them until they talk. You don't cut out tongues without sending a message. Kill the rest of the gang. I never want to have them do this to anyone else ever again," I yell out. Fu nods and the twins have manifested. I look at them and they both look at me with solemn faces. They slowly come in front of me and I wait for them to tell what they found out from the hostages in the basement.

"They wanted to send you a message. Someone hired them to kill Kou and wanted his tongue mailed to you. We're trying to find out who hired them," Aiko tells me slowly.

"We saved him before they cut his tongue out completely. They said the message was that little girls should be seen and not heard. They want you to disappear," Hideo adds quietly. I bite my lip hard and then wipe my face.

"When you think you can't get anything else out of them, cut their tongues out. Starve them to death after that," I order.

My hands shake and I feel lightheaded from crying so much. The twins nod and go off with their duties and Fu follows me into Kou's room. The boy has fallen asleep, the pain having been too much. I brush his blue hair back and wail into his bedside, face in his blankets. If he hadn't met me, none of this would have happened.

I put him at risk. He's hurt because I am the one who is supposed to protect him and I failed. He almost died because of my lax nature. This shouldn't have happened. How did this even happen? They should have hurt me instead of Kou. It was me that they wanted to hurt.

And they succeeded in hurting me. But by hell did they succeed in silencing me. Because when I find out who they are, they will hear it from me when I sink a knife into their heart.

* * *

The Krupke cousins drove their previous young lord home after they dropped off their current leader. Ritsu tried to appear strong for Susan but the minute she got out of that car and they drove away, he was a mess. It was the first time that Ritsu had seen the Susan everyone in a gang saw. No wonder his father wanted him to stay away from her. She was fierce and Ritsu knew that she was out for blood.

And he knew that this should have scared him but it didn't. It made him worried that he wasn't there by her side. The girl was a gang leader and Ritsu knew she had the experience and power to kill at the blink of an eye. Ritsu knew that she was going to kill the men who hurt Kou and Ritsu was okay with this. He wanted to hurt them too.

Ritsu had never killed anyone. He had never beaten someone up to the point of fatality. The boy had barely even held a gun in his hands. He was inexperienced and ignorant and innocent. Susan was none of those things. This didn't make Ritsu want to protect her any less though. He still loved her the same.

"You really do love her," the girl cousin proclaims. She stares at the redhead in shock and even a tinge of adoration. Ritsu gives her a dirty look and then turns to watch the trees pass.

"You're going to have to tell her," the male cousin adds. Ritsu looks forward and runs a hand through his hair.

"I will," Ritsu grumbles.

The young lord was not looking forward to that day. He knew in all reality that he should tell Susan before anyone else did. And he knew Susan would be angry with him for lying to her. Susan would be furious and might even break up with him. That was why Ritsu wanted to see if there was some way for them to actually be together.

They were from rival gangs. They would both be leaders. In all reality, they could merge both yakuzas and be done with the whole matter but this was impossible. At least Susan would see this as impossible. If the gangs merged by a treaty or even marriage, then they would own the whole prefecture. The land would be so large that they would immediately be a target for the largest yakuza out there: Yamaguchi-gumi.

Ritsu knew that Susan would never merge the gangs because it spelled death for them. She was too good of a leader to sacrifice her men for her own happiness. So Ritsu planned on telling her that they wouldn't get married, that their gangs would stay separate, and they would continue this relationship where they were both just regular people. Though the redhead knew he wanted to marry the girl, not hide his relationship like it was a shameful thing.

Ritsu was proud of Susan and he knew that she was proud of him. He didn't expect her to introduce him to her friends as her boyfriend. He wouldn't have been angry if she hadn't claimed him but he was overjoyed with her happiness when she said he was hers. Then she even told him that she wanted him to hang out with her friends. It was of the utmost pride that he stood in front of her friends and pulled her into him. The girl wasn't hiding who they were to each other and he knew he shouldn't hide who he was any longer.

He had to tell Susan who he was. He was too far into the relationship and so in love with her that it would break him to let her go. Ritsu had to tell Susan who he was during summer. The boy figured she would have a chance to really figure out what they could do with the gangs and wouldn't have to worry about the club or school.

For now, he would go with her to shopping with her friends and continue with what they have now. He didn't know if he should be impressed with the invitation with her friends or that he should be wary of them. They could let out his secret. He had to be careful. If Susan found out from someone else, she would never forgive him.

"You know, she loves you too," Hana interrupts Ritsu's thoughts. The woman plays with her hair while the redhead frowns. "But if you don't tell her, she'll lose all faith in you."

"Why haven't you guys told her?" Ritsu asks with a bite in his tone. He knows what will happen, he doesn't need to be reminded.

"Fu said that you asked him not to, so none of us will," Haru chimes in. The man looks in the rearview mirror with a slight glint in his eyes. He doesn't want Susan to get hurt.

"Do you think we could merge the two gangs?" Ritsu whispers. Hana stops and then peers around at him, swiftly turning in her seat.

"You're willing to do that? Give up your men to Susan? Because she won't allow anyone to lead us if she is still able to," the woman hisses angrily. Ritsu glares and her looks falters, expression flooding with fear.

"I don't know if I would give her my men, but maybe we could rule over them separately with the same name," he scoffs and Haru shakes his head.

"I don't think it would be possible. They would lose respect for both of you and Susan would end up leading everyone after a riot. She won't trust you with us but you can't merge the two without having her in charge," Haru muses. Ritsu feels his hands kneed at his legs.

"If we ruled together, then we could have control over both. Susan wouldn't have to worry about rebellion or someone breaking away from the gang," he thinks out loud. Hana clicks her tongue and smirks a bit.

"You and Susan are similar but I can guarantee you won't want to go with some of her decisions. She's ruthless and you're wet behind the ears. In terms of experience, she would want to get things done and you would want to resolve them."

"Okay but what if we have a council or maybe a—"

"None of this will work if you don't tell her!" Haru groans. The blonde man shakes his head in frustration. "You don't even know if she would want to merge the gangs. You don't even know if she would want to be with you when she finds out you're the heir to Kasanoda. Tell her the truth and you'll deal with this stuff later."

Ritsu was a bit shocked with the man but knew he was right. Ritsu had to speak up and quickly. Things were happening with the gangs and the underworld was starting to get messed up. Susan had to be told the truth and Ritsu would try his hardest to have her understand his reasoning.

And all of the plans were set to tell Susan but Ritsu never actually got the chance to speak about it before everything blew up in his face.

* * *

**Okay, so originally I had Kou's tongue cut out completely and I was almost going to go with that. But then I went to sleep and I felt extremely terrible and I was so sad that Kou would be like that and then I checked if he could even eat without a tongue and I couldn't do it. This chapter is still horrible but nothing about this story supposed to be perfect. Spoilers, the last sentence is totally correct and I have planned for the truth to be revealed in about three chapters. Of course I'm going to convince myself to make that terribly sad too and I'll have to post it right after I proofread to not lose strength in the words. **

**I hope everyone had a wonderful new year's celebration. Let 2016 treat all of right! In addition, it's been a year since I started this story and twenty-eight chapters later, I hope you all are enjoying this fanfic. Comment if you expected where this was even going, (at times I didn't even know and sometimes I felt that it was a little dragging in the beginning) I don't know. I can never tell if I'm writing well. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess! (Loves yous guys and have a great year!)**


	30. Boundaries with Rings

**Chapter Thirty: Boundaries with Rings**

* * *

"**The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them."**

― **Steve Hall**

"**A true gentleman is one that apologizes anyways, even though he has not offended a lady intentionally. He is in a class all of his own because he knows the value of a woman's heart."**

― **Shannon L. Alder**

"**Love may be a ring that has no end, but the logic is far from circular."**

― **Amanda Mosher, **_**Better to be able to love than to be loveable**_

* * *

After that night that Kou got hurt I slept by his side every night. I didn't have club anymore so I would rush straight home and would take care of him. Ritsu and the orphans didn't see me like usual that Saturday because I spent the day catching up on the missing sleep I lost from the nightmares that returned. Kou was hurt because of me and I would never forgive myself. I know Kou was getting angry that I didn't let my guilt go and he didn't think that it was my fault, but I knew it was.

"Kou, do you want tea or do you want some water?" I ask as I walk into the boy's room. It was Friday and the start of my vacation. Kou had gotten angry at me that I skipped out on my life but now that I was free, he had no reason to push me out the door and back into my routine. My body halts as I find Kou reading one of his manga. I had the twins pick him up an entire series just so he had something to do while he was at home.

The boy lifts his blue haired head and looks at me with a yellowed bruised face. The color of the bruises had changed from black to blue and now settled on a yellow that was almost a lime green. His nose was still a bit bruised on the side but he miraculously had no crook in it, having had the doctor set it properly. I told him I was jealous that he could break his nose and not get away with a crook similar to mine.

His tongue had yet to heal and was still swollen, orders from the doctor to not speak at all. When he tried, I reprimanded him and he pouted like a child. The stitches were taken out and replaced and the stitches that were above his eye, were also removed. He would have a scar from that, but the scar was so close to his eyebrow that no one would ever really notice it from far away. his cast was still on his arm and his rib that was broken was still bandaged.

Kou puts his book down and then looks at me with a chiding look. I give him a confused glance as I come closer and hand him a glass of water. He takes it, sitting crossed leg on his bed and pats the comforter, telling me to sit. I do as the boy wants and sit across from him in a similar position. His black orbs look at me and I feel the pain in my heart turn my stomach. His eyes are still a little bruised and I look down with a guilty look.

"I shouldn't have let you go out alone," I voice for the fourth time that day. Kou hits my leg with his cast and I squeal and look up. The boy gives me a dirty look as he shakes his head. I sigh and then move to get up, picking up a sweater he had been wearing earlier in the day. "I have to do some laundry. Do you want to come sit in the front room?"  
Kou gets up and then yanks the sweater out of my hand. He hands me the empty glass and then gets off the bed. I stand near him just in case his leg gives out. He had a deep stab wound in his left thigh that still worried me. Kou waves me to walk and he follows after me, slowly but sure of each step. When we get into the hall and then into the front room, we find Fu sitting at the dining room table, looking over some accounts. The man gets up quickly, pulling out a chair for Kou.

"Kou do you want some more soup?" the large man asks and the boy gags.

I whip around to make sure that his tongue and stitches aren't somehow coming undone when I find his mouth open with a finger pointing towards the gaping hole. He's tired of soup. Fu shakes his head as a gentle smile comes to his face. Kou takes this moment to steal a pad of paper with a pencil as I put the glass into the kitchen sink. When I come back to the table, I find Kou holding the paper to me with a written message.

"**You need to go out."**

"I do not need to go out Kou," I argue. The boy huffs and begins writing again. Fu goes back to the laptop and paperwork in front of him and I sit across from my brother. "You can't expect me to just leave you."

"**Shut up,"** Kou flashes quickly and I snort with his messy handwriting. He scribbles onto his longer note and then shows it to me. **"The host club wanted to go out with you last week and Ritsu is worried." **

"How do you know Ritsu is worried?" I ask childishly. Kou rolls his eyes and scribbles before breaking the point of the pencil. He throws it across the table and grabs a pen, picking up where he left off.

"**We text,"** I read out loud. I give him a dirty look before I read on with what it says. **"You were supposed to go out with the host club and summer is here. Go have some fun." **

"You expect me to have fun? When I have to take care of you or else you'll try to walk around the house. As it was, you laid on the floor for almost an hour after you tried to get something to eat when I fell asleep yesterday," I ask as I gesture to him.

The boy frowns and I know it's killing him to keep his mouth quiet. I cross my arms and he begins to write again. I look at Fu and he's lifted his head to watch the interaction between us. He's also tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I don't believe him either. But I can tell in the man's expression that he knows I have to get out of the house and stop wallowing in self-pity. Kou throws a ball of crushed paper at me to get my attention, my body dodging the flying thing and I turn to him with a mild glare. Then I glare harder as I read this newest message.

"**I already text the host club and Ritsu that you were going to go shopping with them in fifteen minutes,"** the writing reads. **"You are going to go out or else I'm going to make your life hell for the rest of summer. Or maybe I'll tell Ritsu about the nightmares and let you deal with him." **

"You wouldn't dare," I yell out hysterically. By the boy's expression, I know he is willing to use any means necessary to get me out of this house. I look at Kou with a pleading expression, begging for him to not make me go out there, but he just gives me a blank face. I groan and then try to guilt him into letting me stay. "Please Kou, I don't want to leave you alone. I know it was my fault and I—"

I don't get to finish my sentence because Kou has thrown another ball of paper at me. This one hits me square in the face and Kou has to hold in the laughter. I can hear the dying sound as he tries to suppress the giggles but some comes through and I realize that Kou is getting better. He was hurt badly, maybe even irreversibly because of his tongue, but he was going to get better. His eyes light up with happiness and I give him a soft smile.

"It wasn't your fault," Fu scolds me once again and I bite my lip. I will never admit that it wasn't my fault but I can stop reminding them that I blame myself. When I turn to Fu, he is giving me a stern fatherly smile. "Go get ready and I'll send the cousins with you. You have to get out of the house and I have to have peace of mind that you aren't holed up in Kou's room like a squatter."

"Tell me how you really feel Fu," I tease the man and he rolls his eyes. I stand up and look at Kou with a small smile. If I stay, they would only be angry and worried. Going to the boy, I hug him gently, his arms going around my body. I kiss his head even more softly and the boy lets me go. He smiles back at me and I still feel bad for him but know that I have to stop this behavior.

"I'll be fine," Kou stutters hoarsely and I pinch him for speaking. When I pull away, he sticks his tongue out at me and I feel my heart sink. The stitches look like they hurt him horribly and I feel the tears come to my eyes. They almost cut out Kou's tongue because of me. He almost got killed because of me. "Susan, I forgive you."

I feel the tears run down my cheeks even though I have cried so much for Kou. The boy looks at me with a sad look and I know he really doesn't forgive me. To him, there is nothing I have done wrong. There is no blame to be placed on any one of us. In some ways, it's the price we pay for living the lives we do, but in other ways, I should have made sure he was safe. But Kou is telling me that I can't worry and blame myself any more. I give him a soft look as I ruffle his hair.

"I know you do. I don't forgive myself yet is all," I whisper.

My brother grabs my hand and kisses it gently. The act reminds me of when I was in America. People would come to my father and kiss his hand to show that they were loyal to him. Those who kissed the Don's hand showed respect, honoring him to show their undying loyalty. Kou is loyal to me—one of the most loyal of all the gang—and he's paid a heavy price for this. But I know Kou is more than just loyal because I'm his lord. He's loyal to me because we're closer than best friends and we're family.

I slip my hand away from his and give him a bright smile. Kou's face lightens up with my happy look and I swear that this summer, I will make him have fun. Maybe we could go somewhere calm for part of the summer. I can get Kou out of the house and the twins could lead the gang while I was away. As it stands, everyone was scared shitless because I murdered an entire small gang. It would be good if I got out of town for a bit before they came after me or came knocking at the door of the syndicate.

Fifteen minutes passes quickly and I have taken a short shower, dressed and made sure everything was in place. My eyes had slight bags under them and I didn't care to do my hair, so I put on a red beanie. I dressed as always did, a black skirt with black tights. For my shirt, I had on a red tank top and then a black leather jacket. I could wear converse instead of my knife holding boots only because I wore Harry and Sally on both of my thighs along with knives, curtesy of my double holsters.

When I came out of my room, I literally ran into someone and nearly fell. The person caught me as I bounced off their body and then held me close. When I opened my eyes, I found I was staring at the words 'I came here to drink milk and kick ass and I've just finished my milk' and immediately know who it is. Before I could even look at the person's face, I laugh and knock my head into their chest.

"Why do you have such weird t-shirts?" I giggle and Ritsu guffaws.

"I would have you know that my t-shirts are totally awesome," he argues childishly. I step back and then look at the boy to find him with a shit eating grin. He loves his damn shirts. His shirt has the writing in white while it is black cotton. He wears a pair of black jeans along with black converse and I laugh again. Even his hand has a black leather jacket.

"And why do you always dress like me?" I ask him and he looks at me and shrugs.

"We just both like black okay? And besides, I was dressed first, so who's really dressing like who?" he teases and I roll my eyes. I really have to check his closet. For a moment I just shake my head at him with a teasing smile. He returns my gaze until the look becomes softer. He grabs my waist and hugs me quickly. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," I reply instantly.

I hadn't seen Ritsu since that day the cousins drove him home, since the day that Kou was attacked. We don't call each other, normally just text to check how each other are doing, but we're normally together so it wouldn't matter. But it mattered that I didn't have the boy to ground me or to reassure me. As much it would wound the others, he somehow had a knack for getting me to listen to him.

Ritsu releases me as he blushes and I have the feeling we're going to have to redo all of that embarrassment of affection. Ritsu is the kind that needs to feel as if this would be the most normal thing in the world so he doesn't overthink it. I can feel my own blush rise and know that I am no better than him. But even so, I reach out and grab his hand as I lead us slowly back to the front of the house. Ritsu stops us a moment later, his hand unconsciously gripping mine tighter.

"The others are out there," he mutters and his fingers start to wiggle. I realize he means for us to stop our actions and appear to the host club as proper. I feel my face release the fury of my feelings while I latch onto my boyfriend's hand tighter. He breathes out in shock and I intertwine our fingers. I don't give a damn about what they think about our relationship. All I care about is that he's happy and doesn't feel the need to hide our whole relationship.

"Are you embarrassed by me?" I ask quickly, my voice cold to shield myself from fear. Ritsu turns me around and has an angry face on.

"Of course not," he replies as he searches my face.

My expression falters from the rage and I know what Ritsu saw. He saw my fear of actually be embarrassing. He saw my uncertainty in this relationship if it made him ashamed. He saw the happiness when he admitted that I was nothing to be embarrassed about. Then the last he saw was the hurt look that came with the thought he might just be saying that to not hurt my feelings.

"You don't have to lie," I prod, just to be sure his look doesn't change. It does change though. It gets angrier and I can feel the murderous intent washing from him. Ritsu holds my hand tighter and then pulls my body through the halls. He stomps loudly and when I see the host club through the doorway, they stare at me with confused expressions. I have just as much of a clue to what is going as them, offering a small shrug.

When we get in front of them, they turn to stone with Ritsu's whole tantrum. Then the boy turns to me, scowl and all, puts his free hand around my waist and kisses me swiftly. He doesn't make it gentle but my surprise makes me smile against him. Oh, he wanted to do this. He doesn't make the kiss anything more than the smashing of lips as he rises to look at the host club. He continues to frown while they just look surprised.

"There, you saw that," he proclaims to them. The group of people just nod their heads with open mouths. Ritsu huffs as he deflates and I can tell he wants to blush. It doesn't happen because he pulls me to the door. "Let's go get in the car."

Ritsu leads the trek out of the house, across the walkway, down the steps and into the car, with a cherry red face. I held in the laughter but couldn't hold back the grin that graced my face. He was too cute sometimes. He knows it would make him nervous but he would still do it. The host club behind us had recovered from their shock and were talking about a bunch of club stuff. I think a lot happened while I was gone, but I didn't mind it. It made me too on edge to guard them all the time.

"Susan-sama," Hana calls me as we stand at the limo. Why does the host club always go by limo? I hate limos. Ritsu waits and the others get in as Hana comes to us. She looks at me and I take in her appearance quickly. She has on her blue kimono and I glance at her cousin to find him with a matching blue yukata. They're so cute when they dress the same.

"Are you taking the car?" I ask them and the woman shakes her head. She tilts her head over her shoulder to the town car with the other bodyguards.

"We're gonna hitch a ride with them again," she replies.

I nod and then she runs across the street to get in the town car. Ritsu and I are the last to get into the car, sitting on the seat between the doors. The host club is quiet and as I sit, still clutching Ritsu's hand, my heart starts to pound harder. I look up to find them watching us expectantly and can feel my nerves jump with their eyes. Haruhi who sits closest to us with Tamaki next to her, sees my anxiety and helps out.

"Are we going to that same mall?" she asks and the attention turns away from me.

I take in a deep breath and really get a good look at my friends. Haruhi wears a white skirt with light blue frilly top, Tamaki somehow matching her with white pants and a blue polo. The twins have on designer jeans with green shirts and vests. Then Mori and Honey have black jeans, the larger cousin sporting a red button down and the smaller wearing a pink one. Kyoya, who I avoid, is wearing a pair of dark jeans with a white shirt and blazer. They always look so preppy.

"Have you met everyone?" I whisper to the boy next to me. Ritsu sits with his grumpy face and I can tell his nerves are shot.

"Yah," he whispers slowly. "Kou introduced us all."

"Su-chan," Honey suddenly calls from the other side of the car. I look at the small boy and he wears an innocent mask with a mischievous undertone. "What are you doing for summer?"

"I don't know yet," I reply as I gather strength from the hand squeezing mine. Honey smiles and the twins pick up where he left off.

"Do you want to come with us to the country?" they ask in sync. I bite the inside of my lip while I consider what to say. Kyoya stares at me intently and I realize that the only reason the gaze isn't stronger is because Ritsu is scary to them.

"Where? And is everyone going?" I ask after some deliberation. Tamaki has gotten excited that I haven't immediately rejected their offer and is beaming. Ritsu stiffens and I know he's a little startled by how bright the boy can be. Haruhi gives me an exasperated look as she has to sit next to the bouncing blonde.

"We're all going to visit a bed and breakfast where our dear Haruhi has to work," he coos and then looks at Haruhi with a pout. The girl gives him a frown and I already know they've had a fight about this. A fight which Haruhi neither won nor lost and this is the stage where she is wondering why she puts up with him. I can guarantee by tonight that he'll do something that will remind her.

"We've already gone over this Senpai," she argues. I smile at her while my heart evens out, our actions somehow falling into our strange routine. "I have to work because I already agreed and you aren't staying at the house."

"But we are," he argues and she crosses her arms, turning away from him and the whole conversation. As she meets my eyes, I know it's my turn to save her. I look to the others in the car and think if I could go but not be in the same place as them. If I travel this time, I have to take the cousins and I have to take Kou to make sure he isn't left alone.

"How long are you guys staying and when are you leaving?" I ask as I muse how I can make things work. Kyoya is looking at his phone and doesn't pick his head up to look at me when he speaks.

"We're leaving tomorrow afternoon and we're staying for a week," he says blandly. I can tell that his actions peeved Ritsu but the redhead wasn't going to say anything bad while he was still attached to my hand.

"Ritsu-chan can come too!" Honey giggles and I stiffen. Looking at the third year, I find his expression is anything but scheming, but I know that deep down, he's spinning a web. Ritsu turns to look at me and all eyes are suddenly on us. The host club are always ones for drama and even Haruhi seems intrigued. Damnit. Why must I always be the amusement for them?

"Kan has his competition a week from tomorrow," Ritsu tells me and I bite my lip. Looking at his face, I can see he's torn but I can't get him to talk everything out here. Ritsu frowns as he thinks on his own and then frowns even deeper. "He's going to want to practice this week."

"I know," I reply in agreement. Ritsu can see my face frown but he changes his expression as he worries about my unhappiness.

"I'll stay behind. You go and can come back a day before," he offers and I sigh a bit. Damn, this is getting complicated. Ritsu squeezes my hand and I turn to find his brown eyes still worried. "I'll take care of him. You need to get out and have some fun."

"You and Kou sound the same," I complain. Ritsu chuckles a bit and smiles at me. The smile is soft and endearing, like he's telling me that he cares more about me than anyone else in the world.

"It's only a week," he argues. I smile softly back at him and then turn to the others. They have curious smiles and I blush a bit under their examination.

"I'll have to take the cousins and Kou," I tell them and they all nod their heads in agreement. The others go into their own conversations about what will happen and what we'll do while I look back at Ritsu. The boy has an invisible smile and I bump my shoulder into him. He looks over and smirks a bit. Then we turn back and watch the others start to fight over who will have to sleep with who. I watch my friends while Ritsu sits by my side and it finally hits me how much I missed this.

* * *

Haruhi and I were badgered from the minute we got to the mall. It was all, try this or this or maybe this, and we did everything we were told. Ritsu watched on, quiet because he was scared they would start trying to play dress up with an angry Ken doll instead punk and pastel Barbies. One good thing was that I didn't have to carry my own bags and neither did Haruhi. Ritsu and Tamaki were doing a great job with that—one with an overbearing perkiness and the other a confused frown.

"We have to go to check the shoes next," the twins proclaim. I sigh deeply and Haruhi glances at me in panic. We have had it but we keep quiet as we follow the group, hiding as the last ones in the line. I kick my feet into the marble and notice for a second that Haruhi isn't at my side. When I look back, she's staring into the window of a shop which all items have four digit price tags.

I walk back to her and find the girl with wide wondrous eyes. Standing next to her, I look into the window to find beautiful jewelry. When I look at her, I find she's staring at a specific ring. It is pretty. The gold band has two ropes twisted around each other. The center holds a red ruby cut in a sphere and captured between two small diamonds. The girl's eyes glitter almost as much as the red stone and I smile largely.

"You like that one?" I ask her in excitement. I have never seen Haruhi so awestruck. She nods her head and I grab her arm quickly. I start to pull her into the store and she's too dazed to know what I'm doing. I look to the rest of the group and they have rounded the corner. We slip into the store before they could see and we are greeted by an old woman in all black dress and flowing white hair.

"Hello ladies, I would like to ask to see your IDs before we can help you fully," the woman coos and I feel Haruhi stiffen. Patting her hand, I take out my card and hand it to the woman. She looks at my companion and puts her hand out. I shake my head and the woman's calm look falters until she looks at my name.

"I hope that my name would be enough," I reply with a gangster smile. The old lady closes her mouth as she hands me my card back.

"Of course Crea-san," she answers as she leads us to the glass counter. I lead Haruhi and the whole shop glitters with the jewels. God this stuff is beautiful. "Is there anything you are looking for specifically?"

"The ruby ring in the window," I say despite my growing anxiousness. Haruhi has finally realized what we were doing and grabs my arm. I look at her and smile softly. "Don't worry."

"Senpai, it's going to cost a fortune," she whispers. I roll my eyes and lead her to the counter.

"Why did you like that one?" I ask her and she looks at me confused. "Why **that** ring?"

"My mom used to have one that looked like that. At least, I think she did," the girl mumbles and I nod. We are totally buying that ring. The woman has taken out multiples of the same ring in different sizes. Then Haruhi puts her hand on the counter, starting to try on the sizes. I look in the cabinet and my eyes begin to sparkle. I find a ring that is totally gorgeous.

It has a black pearl at the center with a white gold band. But it's the intricacies of the bands holding the pearl and makes it look like a rose that is beautiful. It really does look like a rose holding a pearl in the middle while little diamonds litter the rose setting. Haruhi bumps me and the sales lady looks at me expectantly.

"Can I see the black pearl one please," I ask her. The woman nods and takes out the set for those. I look at Haruhi to find her ring on her right middle finger. It sits nicely on her small hand with slender fingers. My hand reaches out and the woman hands me a ring. I take it and put it on my left hand. It fits too big and I hand it back.

My hands are the complete opposite of Haruhi's feminine extremities. My hands are broad but short. My fingers have been broken and now the joints are balled in an ugly fashion. When the woman gives me another size and I put it on my middle finger, I wonder if my hands could be beautiful. For a second it seems like that as the pearl shines and the white gold is a contrast to my tanned skin. It's a perfect fit.

"Would you like me to get the receipt for these two rings?" The sales lady looks at me expectantly. I nod my head but then the door of the shop opens.

"There you guys are, come on," Honey giggles. Both Haruhi and I turn with guilty looks. Our hands silently take off the rings and I give the lady a solemn look.

"Sorry," I apologize as the twins grab our arms and drag us out.

"We were looking for you guys everywhere. You can't just disappear like that," Tamaki chides and I roll my eyes. Ritsu smirks a bit and puts his hands up.

"I told them that if the cousins were with you, you would be more than fine," my boyfriend whines. This time Haruhi rolls her eyes and we are paraded out of the shop. The Krupke cousins are outside, hands crossed over their chest, and amused smiles on their faces. The rest of the host club leads us to a shoe store and I'm subjected to wearing stiletto heels while Haruhi has to wear boots.

"Why can't I try on the boots?" I moan as Mori gives me another pair of heels.

"Because you need heels," Honey mutters and I groan. After the fourth pair of devil shoes, I finally realize we're missing two people. I look at Haruhi and she seems to finally have taken notice that Tamaki and Ritsu are gone.

"So how long have you been dating Mr. Personality?" Kyoya says unceremoniously. Damnit. With Ritsu gone it means that bitchy Kyoya has arrived. Kyoya has a sour look and I try to keep my face as blank as possible.

"Almost three months I think. I don't really keep a calendar," I mutter and the boy gives me a dirty look. I frown while trying to keep the peace within the group. The others are trying to ignore our conversation and I go back to trying on shoes.

"What, he hasn't given you an anniversary present or anything?" Kyoya snickers and I give the boy a glare.

"That is none of your business," I say shortly. Kyoya's look falters and I turn away.

"I'm sorry. It is none of business," the boy says in small voice. I feel guilty again. When I turn to the boy he has on a defeated look. Honey comes to me and takes Kyoya away, a knowing look as my smile falls. I get up, done with trying on shoes. Haruhi gives me a sad look and I go to the racks of shoes. I wander through the shoes and meet Kyoya again. The boy sees me and then turns away. But I can't take the look of sadness in your eyes

"You don't have to avoid me," I tell the boy and he stops. Everything about his body language screams defeat and I feel my heart clench. But then he stands straighter and his eyes behind his glasses are misty.

"Why not? Because you like reminding me that you moved on and I wasn't what you wanted," he murmurs. I feel the air get knocked out of my lungs and I swallow.

"Kyoya, I'm really sorry and I don't want to hurt you," I plead but the boy shakes his head. He turns fully to me and gestures toward the group.

"Oh and that's why you parade your boyfriend around like he's the greatest thing in the world," he yells at me and I shake my head in denial.

"That's not what I mean to do," I argue.

"But it is what you do. We can all see the way he looks at you or better yet, the way you look at him! It isn't modest."

"Kyoya," I beg but the boy just grows angrier. "I'm sorry but I don't mean to do that. Honey invited him and he has been nothing but polite."

"He isn't a good guy like you think," the boy screams. This finally drives me over the edge. Why does everyone think it's okay to insult Ritsu? I give Kyoya a dark look and he finally sees his mistake. He stiffens and his eyes become wide with shock.

"Don't you ever talk about him like that. You can run my name into the dirt but if I ever catch you talking about him like that," I trail off as I step forward. The boy steps back and I tilt my head as I see his fear. "Remember, I am a lord and he is my love. Don't test me like this or you will fail."

"Susan, come on," a calm voice calls behind Kyoya.

I look around the brunette and find the person in question giving me a calm face. Ritsu opens his arm and reaches out for me. My face holds the fury that I hope to shield Ritsu from and I walk past Kyoya—bumping his shoulder hard. Ritsu goes to grab my hand but I steal my hand away before we make contact. I'm too pissed.

Ritsu should have let me handle it. Instead he wants me to be good when I want nothing more than to be terrible. My boyfriend sighs and we make it back to the rest of the group. They stare at me a bit before I look down, slightly reprimanded. But within seconds, we turn back into the happy go lucky group. Haruhi looks at me and links her arm through mine.

"Do you want to ride with me and Kou tomorrow?" I ask the girl softly. We start to exit the mall and Ritsu is being dragged by Tamaki who is talking a million miles per hour. Though none of it makes him oblivious to my words as he spins around with a surprised face.

"You don't want to ride with us?" he asks in haste and I shake my head. "Why not? It's going to be so much fun! We can play road games and talk and share music."

"Because you're going to wear me out before we even get to the place," I whine a bit. As it was, I'm starting to die with being with them all night. Ritsu smiles at me in amusement and I can't hold back the smile I give him. I can never be angry at him for long.

"It would be nice to go with you Senpai," Haruhi replies happily. Tamaki blanches and Ritsu chuckles a bit.

"You just got dumped," the redhead tells the blonde. Tamaki has tears in his eyes and I shake my head.

"You have five other people with you. Play your game of 'I spy' with them," I mumble a bit.

Tamaki turns around a bit angry and throws his child tantrum as we get to the car. Ritsu waits for everyone to get into the car and I calm down from my own tantrum. The boy goes to get in the car but I grab his hand before he can escape. I give him a sheepish look before he smiles largely at me. Dumb boy for making me listen to him. Though when I sit next to him in the car, I can't help the happiness.

Ritsu and I watch the others talk about everything under the sun. It's dark outside of the limo and I yawn as rain starts. Looking out the window, the rain goes from a sprinkle to a heavy downpour. Ritsu frowns as he checks out the rain and I pull his hand. The boy looks at me as he has a disgusted face. I bite my lip to hold back the laugh.

"I hate the rain," he pouts and I laugh. The entire car becomes quiet and I swallow my joy. I feel the blush come to my face and their eyes make me nervous.

"What?" I ask nervously. The host club smiles largely at me and shakes their heads. It's Kyoya who gives me an answer.

"You never really laugh," he tells me, tone a little bitter. I bite my lip. Before I could open my mouth to apologize, Haruhi starts to laugh.

"Well just look at Ritsu-kun's face. Who could be that angry at the rain?" she laughs. I snort and begin to laugh again. Everyone in the car finds the amusement in my boyfriend's misery. I stop after a bit and the boy gives the others a short glare. They all jump back and realize just how terrifying he can be. I hit him in the stomach and everyone deflates.

"Be nice," I chide and he huffs.

But then the boy smiles a bit and the whole car gives ahhs. They get a glimpse of the boy under the mask and it makes me proud. Even though I'm not proud for long in front of them and the car rolls up in front of my home, I know that all in all, my friends like Ritsu. And I know when I look at Ritsu as we get out of the car that he likes them too.

"We'll see you tomorrow!" Honey yells at us as we get into the pouring rain.

"What time?" I ask quickly. Ritsu sways as he waits patiently.

"Around noon," the twins reply and I smile largely.

"Alright. See you guys tomorrow," I reply in joy.

Then I close the door and Ritsu is trying to pull me to get out of the rain. He has two bags and his scowl from getting wet—like a wet grumpy cat. God why did Kou ever have to show me grumpy cat? Now my boyfriend is a meme. The boy and I get to the top of the stairs in no time. He rushes us to the door and we burst into the house, wet and angry and bubbly. Ritsu turns to me and I laugh at him again.

"I hate the rain," he complains and I pat his cheek.

"Come on, we'll dry your shirt," I giggle and lead him towards my room. When we get into the hall, we're immediately stopped by Fu. He gives us a once over and then sighs. "Hey, come on. It's pouring."

"And is he staying the night?" Fu asks us with a strong look. I look at Ritsu and he stands taller.

"If it's alright with you Sir," he replies and I swallow my answer that this is actually my house and I can decide who stays or goes. Fu raises a single brow on his bald head.

"It will be fine but you are to do nothing, unsavory," he commands. I blush heavily and Ritsu holds his face to be blank. His jaw clenches as he nods. Fu gives a smile and then turns to leave. I grab his sleeve and he turns back to me.

"The host club asked if I wanted to go with them to the country this week. I said yes and plan to take Kou and the cousins," I tell the man. He nods and I go on. "We're leaving tomorrow around noon. Let the cousins know and can you get Kou packed?"

"Yes and you should pack tonight too," the man instructs. I nod and then with a still red face, push Ritsu towards my room. When we get there, the boy places the bags in the corner and then shakes his head. Water flies everywhere and I take off my jacket.

"I'm going to go get clothes from Kou," he tells me and I nod. When the door closes, I start to change. And by the time I have some black shorts on, Ritsu enters again. He gasps as he sees me without my shirt and turns away. "Sorry, I thought you were done."

"I'm almost," I reply a little embarrassed.

I look for a shirt but then feel eyes on my back. My hands clutch the drawer and I stare into the clothes. He's staring at my scars. He must have been shocked by then again. He's seen them and I forget about them most of the time but they're still disgusting. My breathing becomes irregular as I hold in the fear of being inadequate. But I don't get even further into my hysteria because Ritsu is gently rubbing my shoulder.

"Can I?" he asks and I smile despite the fear. He always asks to go on and it's the sweetest thing I could ever hope for.

"Yah," I choke out.

Then Ritsu's fingertips drag across my shoulders and I feel goosebumps. He tries to be so gentle as his hand starts to trace the long lashes from my past. He rubs the raised skin and I feel my body temperature rise. My stomach jumps with expectation and Ritsu's breath is on my neck. Lips trail along my cheek and then my jaw bone and then are on my neck. I smile as I close my eyes and want him to touch me more like this—gentle, safe, warm, yearning.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers as lips are on the back of my ear.

He moves his arms totally around me and I lean into his chest. Eyes fluttering open, I turn in his arms. He stares down at me with dark eyes and his face is so serious. He's holding himself back. For a moment, I get scared and look at his chest. My eyes close and I swallow as I think about going all the way. My mind tips between pleasure and pain but it doesn't move just like the boy. He won't force me. We don't have to go that far.

"Can we try something?" I whisper. My voice is small and scared, Ritsu growing rigid with worry.

"Only if you want to," he replies. I bump the top of my under his chin as I nod. Ritsu's hands comes and his fingers comb through my hair. "Tell me when to stop, okay?"

"Alright," I respond.

I untangle myself and grab his hand, leading us to my bed. Ritsu gets on and sits away from me with a worried face. He's unsure if he should let me do this. I smile at him because I know that with the heat pooling into my stomach that I want to try. Ritsu gives me a smile back and it's wide, full of happiness and excitement.

I position myself closer to him and gently kiss his lips. He immediately responds and his hands go to my bare waist. His palms are rough and it feels like electricity is running through my body. I want more. Moving closer, I straddle Ritsu without missing a beat while kissing him. He smiles as his lips move and I pull his damp hair. The boy almost growls out as he traces my scars and I gasp.

Coming up for air, I open my eyes and see that he's watching me intently. His eyes flick to my neck again and I nod softly. He doesn't take any more coaxing and my neck is subjected to his hot breath. I put my hands on his chest but hate how there's fabric between me and him. So I pull away and Ritsu stiffens a bit. It isn't until I tug the hem of his shirt up that he realizes what I want to do. He has wide innocent eyes as I take his shirt off and toss to the floor.

I kiss him again but his mouth goes back to my neck. I feel my back arch a bit when the boy is at my collarbone and it feels good. And as my hands explore his bare skin, he tries something surprising. He lightly bites the delicate skin of my collarbone and sucks hard. My eyes pop open and I almost moan for a moment. It doesn't even feel bad but I'm surprised. Ritsu kisses his way back up to my jaw. I push him up a bit and kiss him.

I smirk as I want to try something and my lips go towards his neck. The boy lets out a sharp breath and I leave soft kisses on his neck. The kisses become harder and I feel my hands wander to the bones of the boy's hips. I trail my fingertips at his hips in a teasing manner while I kiss him roughly. The boy grabs my waist and moves us to lay down. I almost laugh as he nearly falls off the bed but he's soon on top of me. I smile as he kisses my collarbone then leads to my chest and it feels right. Until he puts his legs on either side of my hips and it changes.

The boy nips at my other unblemished collarbone and I start to breath hard. My body feels trapped and I try to keep the thoughts from invading my mind. It doesn't work and I feel dirty suddenly. My breathing stops as I close my eyes. I can't get away. This is bad. My hands start to shake and this is all too much.

"Ritsu," I choke out. Suddenly the lips are gone and I open my eyes to find Ritsu off of me. My lip trembles and I bite it to hide it from him, even though he already saw it. I sit up and try to keep the tears from falling and Ritsu looks at me helplessly.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes and reaches out. He catches himself the next moment and retracts his arms. He searches my face and I shake my head. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I shouldn't have forced you."

It feels like forever that we just sit there and I wheeze. He can't touch me right now and I force myself to calm on my own. The thoughts begin to be bearable and I take a deep breath. My fear is subsiding and now worry is replacing it. I reach out towards the boy and he quickly gathers me in his arms. He holds me close and I hold him back. I'm not dirty. I'm not dirty. Ritsu didn't force me. He didn't force me. Bad thoughts start to go away and I finally feel like I did. Tears stop falling and I feel warm and safe.

"You didn't force me," I whisper. The boy shakes his head and then crushes me in his grasp. My hand goes out to pet his hair and I breathe in his scent. He always smells like grass and soap. My hand marvels at his soft hair and I know he likes laying in the grass. I pull away from Ritsu and he's angry at himself. I can tell from the scowl.

"I shouldn't have done this," he tells me with a bite. He frowns even harder and I grab his face in my hands.

"Stop that," I command and he stiffens. His eyes search my face and his look is uncertainty. "I wanted to try this and you didn't force me. Don't say that this was a bad choice. We have to start somewhere; I have to start somewhere."

"Are you sure?" he asks me and I nod. He looks at the bed and then at his hands on my body. He swallows and I know he's going to start a rant. "I read that survivors can have PTSD and that some might not be ready and I just want to tell you that I'm fine with that because you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't like. But if you want to, we'll take it slow and I'll make sure to only do things when you want to or are up to it. And I think partly this was triggered because I was on top. Maybe you're triggered by feeling trapped so we can make sure you don't feel like that when we're trying again."

"You, you researched?" I ask softly. Ritsu sits across from me and grabs a pillow. He kneads it with his hands while looking down and giving a silent nod. I begin to cry again because I could never imagine someone trying to understand what is wrong with me. He is trying so hard to make sure I'm happy and I'm nothing but a mess—a mess that he just happens to have fallen in love with. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands and laugh a bit. Ritsu picks up his head and looks at me worriedly.

"Shit, what did I do?" he asks as he opens his arms to embrace me. I laugh and cry even more. How could he ever love me? I love him so much and he is trying so hard just for me.

"You're amazing. I love you and you're amazing," I tell the boy as he hugs me.

"I love you too," he replies. I smile as I kiss his shoulder lightly. Then the boy gets up and almost bounces off the bed. "I almost forgot about this."

I watch him as he jogs to where he left the bags and reaches into one. He pulls out something and I wait on the bed. He opens what looks like a black box, smiles at the contents and closes it again. Then he turns and jogs back to me in black basketball shorts and beautiful godlike abs. God did I forget he was hot. I wipe at the last of the tears and hope that I don't look like a hot mess for my beautiful boyfriend.

"What did you forget?" I ask as he hops onto the bed. He smiles larger than Makoto in a candy store and sits with me between his legs. I'm close to him and he puts out his hand. I put mine out and take the small velvet box from him. It's a jewelry box and I wonder where he got it. I give the boy a puzzled look and he nods at me.

"Open it. I know it's a little late but call it an anniversary present or something. I was going to wait until you got back but I was too nervous," he rants. I'm surprised and I smile as I open the box. It only intensifies when I find a black pearl ring. I look at Ritsu and push his shoulder lightly.

"What the hell? You didn't?" I ask as I look back at the ring. Ritsu laughs and his cheeks must hurt from how hard he's smiling.

"Put it on," he urges and I grab the ring. Ritsu takes the box and I slip the ring back onto my left middle finger. It fits just as perfectly as it did in the store but I'm five times happier. Ritsu grabs my hand gently and looks at my finger. "It looks nice."

"You're sometimes so stupid," I tell Ritsu and his eyes look to me quickly. I chuckle and grin like a fool. "But then you're like this and I wonder just why you're with me because you are the most amazing person in the world."

"No, you're the most amazing person in the world," he replies. I grab the boy's face and kiss him. The kiss isn't passionate or deep but it's happy and it shows him just how much I do love him. When I pull away and feel the ring on my hand again, my heart clenches with joy.

"I'm never taking this ring off," I proclaim as I tilt my hand to see the pearl reflect our outlines.

"You promise?" Ritsu teases as he grabs me. The boy pulls me onto his lap and I curl into his chest.

"I promise to never take off this ring."

The boy kisses my head and I bask in this feeling. And my promise to never take off the ring was true while visions of my name as Mrs. Ritsu Onoda circled my brain. I believed that this was who I would be.

I couldn't be more wrong.

* * *

**Hey everybody! Okay, I normally totally forget to answer questions when commented but I made a mental note (aka I wrote it at the top of my word document) and decided to tell you guys what I am doing. Now, when I started out, I didn't really set how many chapters I would have. For me, this stuff is more of a daily exercise-writing everyday helps me to write better and discover how to word things-so I really didn't have a cap for myself. That being said, I would probably end this in the next ten chapters if I stick to what I want to do. Now, the stuff about it blowing up in Ritsu's face is planned to be in chapter thirty one-"planned" being the key word. Like I said, this is normally just me trying to become a better writer, but you can plan on the truth getting out when Susan comes back home for Kan's recital. So to answer: I think about ten chapters though I can be lying completely and chapter thirty one is the big reveal. **

**Now, on the topic of if Ritsu and Susan actually end up together, I am going to tell you guys flat out, I'm flying by the seat of my pants. My whole notes keep switching between them ending up together and Susan dying or other tragic thing or that Susan goes completely comatose and Ritsu gets hurt. It will literally depend on my mood but I never really planned for this to end well. I may wuss out and not pull a Game of Thrones red wedding scene. I mean in the Godfather, Michael Corleone is miserable at the end of the second movie. I don't really count the third as part of the original storyline-though it totally is but I hate the third one-but even that one didn't end nicely. So, blunt answer about these two is: I have no fucking clue. **

**Sorry about the really vague answers but I loves yous guys! Hope you have a great week if you're back in school or going back to school!**

**And as always, follow, fave, review, obsess!**


	31. Romeo and Juliet

**Chapter Thirty-one: Romeo and Juliet**

* * *

"**Death lies on her like an untimely frost**  
**Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." **  
**― William Shakespeare****, **_**Romeo and Juliet**_

"**O shut the door! and when thou hast done so,**  
**Come weep with me; past hope, past cure, past help!" **  
**― William Shakespeare****, **_**Romeo and Juliet**_

"**O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet." **  
**― William Shakesp****eare****, **_**Romeo and Juliet**_

* * *

I pushed a person roughly into the car and ran around to get in the last free seat. Immediately the car peeled away from our attackers and we were free from the devious devils behind us. Haruhi sighs as she looks at me and I can only break out in laughter because we had to escape the host club. They were being so annoying this morning and both Haruhi and I were totally done with them.

For a couple of minutes there is only the silence of our steady breathing. Haruhi is letting me get used to her presence while the others are trying to really wake up. The cousins were with the twins last night and I have no doubt that they were stocking up on each other's presence for the week, having barely rolled out of bed thirty minutes ago. Kou was packing all night and had to be physically carried by Haru to the car. Me, I was tired because the nightmares had yet to subside. Ritsu who normally can sleep through an earthquake, woke me up twice with mild hysteria after I told him that they weren't really anything—he just humored me. With a yawn, I stretch out and look to my friend.

"So did they ever decide how they were all sleeping?" I ask the girl. Haruhi gives a short laugh and I take that as my answer—as if they could ever decide on anything. Kou sits between us in the back of the town car, Haruhi on his left and me on the right. Haru has the great joy of driving us while his cousin sits in the passenger seat, fiddling with the radio. I'm dressed in jean shorts and a black long sleeve top, Haruhi of similar style but with a blue tank top. Kou and the cousins were in formal yukatas and kimono all a black shade.

"Did Ritsu-kun leave late last night?" Haruhi asks and I attempt not to stiffen. My anxiety is a throbbing ache but I have come a long way to sit in a car with Haruhi for multiple hours and not have a panic attack. Though my nervousness still shows in certain twitches, rubbing my vans together and putting my hair behind my ear. The latter one is what cost me a comfortable ride without explaining what Ritsu and I did last night.

Kou sudden grabs my hand while pulling it towards him. I had hidden from the boy most of the morning—him still half-asleep—because he always catches onto new things with me. The boy inspects the ring on my finger and I catch even Haruhi leaning in to look at the pearl. The young girl gasps with seeing it again and this causes Hana to turn around. The cousin has a gaping mouth which she turns into a large smile. She's the first one to comment after the awe leaves her wondrous blue eyes.

"Did he fucking propose last night?" she says, causing her cousin to swerve slightly on the road and look back with a panicked face. Attempting to rip my hand back, the heat starts to rise and my heart is becoming an irregular beat of embarrassment. My hand doesn't get far, Kou snatching it back with a hit in my gut with his cast.

"He did not propose. I made him promise to not do that until we both graduate," I mutter and know that I just jumped head first into the shallow end. Kou shakes my hand to express his distress and I open my mouth to stop the self-incrimination. It doesn't really work. "Not that we've really talked about it but he might have mentioned family and stuff and I told him to wait. We won't get married any time soon."

Everyone is in quiet shock. I just admitted that I would marry Ritsu. This can't be good. They're going to think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy. My hand trembles as I have the thought that Ritsu and I won't make it to where he thinks we will. I know that I still have reservations because I have to protect him, make sure that the very people who want to kill me, won't kill him. That and I wonder if he would just get tired of me or one day, he won't want to wait. I know he would always wait for me to be ready for things, but a person can hold out for only so long.

Though the boy has no reason to leave me. I have been getting better, letting him into the deepest parts of my soul. He has done things that I would have never imagined in my wildest fantasy for anyone to do to me. I am making a move to change and he won't leave. I won't leave him either. He is one of the most important things to me. The only thing that comes close is the safety of my gang, but Ritsu isn't a threat to my gang. Ritsu allows me to lead the gang and I can protect both of them. Ritsu is one of us.

"You need to talk to him," Haru says quickly, stilling my worries. For a moment I think he might disapprove with the idea of marriage but when Kou's hand squeezes ever tighter, I know there might be something wrong. Hana starts talking again and I can't question what our driver meant by his cryptic message.

"Damn is that a pretty ring though," Hana comments and Haruhi reaches for the finger to see my ring. This is when she screws herself and I find a ruby ring on her finger. I make a noise somewhere between a surprised gasp and a slight yelp while I point erratically at her hand.

"How?" I scream a bit. Haruhi has her turn to blush and she looks out the window. Kou lets go of my hand and grabs hers to my relief.

"Remember when Tamaki and Ritsu disappeared. They bought the rings we were looking at," she whispers and my eyes widen with realization.

"Tamaki got it for you," I say and Haruhi nods ever so slightly. I can't help the smile that turns my lips and I release the laughter bubbling up inside me. I had been telling the girl that these boys don't leave us alone but they always somehow come out on top. They are too cute and thoughtful. And this was all because I thought he would do something to remind her just how much he cares and validate why she puts up with him.

"I didn't want to accept it," Haruhi whispers and Hana is the one to question this.

"Why not? You like him don't you?" Hana questions and Kou snorts. The woman is going to make Haruhi proclaim her fondness for the boy or reject him. Kou and I know that Haruhi would never admit that she actually likes the stupid blonde, so we sit in quiet amusement. I don't even think she knows her own emotions sometimes. She steps so far into rationality that she looses the forest for the trees.

"I shouldn't accept it because I can never pay him back," Haruhi avoids the most important question.

"You can pay him back, eventually," I say as I rotate the ring on my own finger. When I get back, Ritsu and I will take Kan to his competition. Then we'll take the kids out and I'll make sure that we're happy. I will repay him by making him happy, maybe buying him one of his stupid t-shirts or maybe buy earrings for when we pierce his ears.

"I wish Aiko would be this lovey dovey," Hana complains as she turns around. It's Haru's turn to snort and everyone gives a short laugh.

"The twins aren't really the touchy-feely kind of guys," I say. Hana groans and puts her feet on the dash, only for her cousin to reach over and pull them down.

"I know but I wish for once he would take me out and we can go to a club. Maybe we can go back to ours or maybe for once he can lay in bed and—"

"Nope, nope, no way. We do not to hear about your bedroom routine," Haru interrupts. I sigh in relief and Haruhi seems to be enjoying how our dysfunctional gang acts.

"You tell him this, not us. He would be more than happy to humor you and your weird requests if you tell him it makes you sad," I tell the girl as I take off my shoes. Kou does the same and accidentally hits me in the knee with his cast. The sharp pain travels up my leg, a squeal escaping my mouth. Haruhi nods in agreement with my suggestion. Hana makes a noise of pain and Haru turns on the radio to drown her out.

"You guys have to help me," she whines as she turns off the music completely. Haru grips the wheel tighter and I know that he has problems of his own but he's a private person. I look over at Haruhi and she smiles softly at the older woman. The young girl is already having fun and I'm glad that she likes being with us.

"Which guy is it? The one with the tattoo on his neck?" Haruhi questions. Kou gives a dying sound while he tries to hold in the loud laughter. Hana's nose crinkles as she looks at us and even Haru has a teasing smile on.

"No, that's Fu. He hasn't had a girlfriend in years. They say he was married a long time ago," Hana comments nonchalantly. What?

"He was married?" I ask in shock. Haru nods as he puts the music back on to flow with classical music.

"Yah, he was married when you guys were little. She was pretty. We heard from some of the other guys that she was young but was sick. He knew she wouldn't last but he still married her," Haru says sadly and Kou nods his head.

He would remember the woman. He can't really tell us what she looks like on account of his inability to speak, but she must have been pretty. I feel my heart clench in pain as I think of a young Fu knowing that the love of his life would die before they would grow old. I hope I never get sick because like Fu, Ritsu would never leave me either and it's heartbreaking.

"He must have really loved her," Haruhi whispers solemnly and I twist the ring on my hand even more erratically. Great, this is just going to be a new twitch for me to keep under control.

"He did," Kou hoarsely grunts. I shoot him a glare for speaking but he only puts his hands up in defeat. Hana turns back around to us and smiles through the depressing topic. Swallowing my sadness, I crack a slight smile at the woman who then beams at me.

"Okay, so Aiko is the one I'm dating," she says, turning to Haruhi. "He is the one who has the scar over his right eye. He's more talkative and smiles more often than his bump on a log brother."

"Hideo smiles," Haru complains as I see a limo pass us to our right. The host club must have barely caught up. The window of black stretch opens and Honey waves through the portal. I wave back before Mori pulls his cousin back into the car, closing the window so he won't fall through. "You're just angry that Aiko wanted to come but Hideo didn't want for us to separate."

"They both smile," I interrupt before the cousins could start bickering. I know that they wanted to switch, one cousin and one twin staying and the other coming with me, but Fu wouldn't allow it. Besides, Haru and Hideo know better than to think that this is a vacation for them. No, they're here because they have to watch Kou and make sure that no one messes with any of us. Hana sticks her tongue out at the male, my fingers snapping to reprimand them. Hana crosses her arms and Haruhi giggles a bit. I look to the girl and she starts to laugh harder.

"You guys act just like siblings," she laughs and I shrug a bit, Kou joining me.

"We might as well be, we're so close," I say. Hana gets over her tantrum and turns to us again.

"Okay, back to my problem. So he sometimes gives me the cold shoulder and I don't even know why," she rants.

"He gets angry at you because he gets jealous," Haru butts in.

"Why? It's not like I'm cheating on him."

"Because you flirt with other guys while we're on wall duty."

"I do not."

"You do."

I look at the two and wonder if I should stop this. It's so entertaining though.

"I do not."

"Alright," Haru says as he throws up one hand in the air, the other firmly on the wheel. I shake my head and don't know if this is actually what is wrong with them. By Hana's long pause, it must have been part of the reason. Hana can tell she really irked her cousin and she sighs heavily, the three minors in the back watching with interest and amusement.

"Fine, maybe I don't really notice it. One time was on purpose because he said I couldn't match our clothes one day, but I won't do it from now on," she concedes.

"Okay, so you need to talk to him more is what your problem is," I tell the woman in a whimsical voice. Hana turns swiftly to me and opens her mouth angrily but closes it with doubt. Whatever insult she had on the tip of her tongue changed when she thought better of it.

"You should talk to Ritsu," she mutters and then turns around. That's the second time that they say I have to talk to the boy. What the hell is going on? My face crinkles as I wonder what could ever be wrong with Ritsu and I.

"Why do you guys keep saying that?" I ask harshly. The cousins don't answer and I catch Haru biting his lip. I don't know what the hell they're saying but when I get back, I'm definitely talking to him about whatever they know. I'll even ask Fu if they won't give me answer.

The rest of the two hours are spent with me contemplating what the cousins really mean and teetering on the option of forcing them to tell me. Kou fell asleep within minutes of my brooding and Haruhi is doing homework as we pull off the highway. The girl has been finishing any studying in anticipation of the new semester. Hana snores as we pull up to a country house that we will be staying at. It looks just like the pictures and I am in awe of the beauty of such a building.

There is a white picket fence encircling a large yard with the greenest grass I've seen in a while. The large mansion type home is white with large windows and a blue roof. When I open the car door, a cool breeze flows through my hair and I breathe in deeply. It smells like flowers and I can identify a garden to the right side of the yard. Kou gets out behind me, rubbing his eyes under the bright sunlight of the afternoon. It's beautiful.

"Do you want your gun?" Hana asks me quietly and I nod even though I know there might be no threat here. She hands me Harry from the glove compartment of the car and I put him in the back of my waistband. Haruhi is soon at my side, the limo which stopped first, pouring boys out of it's depths. The twins are right behind Honey who runs over to where we are. I can feel my heart thunder a bit but after they mainly talk to Haruhi, I walk through the creaking fence door. Kyoya appears at my side and we walk quietly down the path with Kou right behind us, watching the glasses wearing boy like a hawk.

"Have you spoken with the owner?" Kyoya asks me in a clipped voice. I continue my way to the front door while I get over his attitude. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

"Fu talked to them and has arranged for us to stay here. They were booked so I suppose you all are staying elsewhere," I say steadily. Kyoya gets to the door first and opens it for me. His eyes penetrate me and I can tell that he is getting over me in some ways. That or Kou is glaring daggers at the boy from behind me.

"We're staying down the street," he replies coolly and I give a stiff nod as my hands sweat. Passing through the door, I am quickly approached by a person. They reach out to embrace me and I dance out of the way as Kou goes on attack mode. I put my hand on his arm to soothe him as I identify the person who wants to so nicely hug me as our hostess.

"You arrived!" they announce with a clap of their hands. The person is dressed in a light purple dress with their long brownish-red hair pulled back with a white hairband. They have little makeup but I can tell that their body is male. Fu had told me ahead of time that they were a crossdresser of sorts but I only cared about their hospitality and if they could house us.

"Indeed," I answer softly. Kyoya steps by my side, Kou still watching the man in a dress with confusion. The dark-haired boy decides to come to my aid as I gulp with nervousness.

"Haruhi-chan should be coming right now. I'm sure that you already have their arrangements," he answers for me. I somehow feel drawn to his strong presence as the person goes out to hug me once again. I put my hands out to not pull my weapon and the person stops with confusion.

"I don't want to be touched," I stumble with words.

The hostess widens her eyes as she gives a nod of her head. Kyoya who stands closer to me grabs my left hand as it falls back to my side. His cool fingers grab at my middle finger and I turn to watch his eyes become darker than normal. He drops my hand as if it burned him and fixes his glasses. My neck is warm with shame at being caught with a ring close to a finger that means so much to the world. It doesn't sit on my finger as an engagement ring but to the boy, it might as well be that because it shows the promise to not leave me.

"Oh, well, I'm Misuzu-cchi," the hostess says softly. Misuzu must notice the way Kyoya lets my hand go as if it burned him to even touch my skin. When I peek at the boy's eyes, his black orbs are terribly dark as they flick back and forth, as if searching for an answer to his thoughts. I feel guilty for making him suffer and shame paints my skin pink as heat lights up my blood. I want to tell Kyoya how sorry I am for this, how I didn't mean to fall in love, though I will never tell him that I choose to love Ritsu now and not him. I might have fallen in love with Ritsu by accident but loving him is no flimsy emotion that I would toss aside. I love Ritsu.

"Guys, can you stop please," Haruhi says in a blunt and toneless voice. I turn back to find Tamaki along with the twins hanging on her. I watch the blonde and the way that his hands grasp at the end of her shirt with a frailty that Haruhi most surely misses. Tamaki is careful with the girl and I know it's all because of the ring that sits on her finger.

"Now that you're here," Misuzu announces with a clap, "we'll get you guys set up and get you started with work. I'm sorry that I have to have you kids start so soon but I'm a little understaffed."

"It's alright," Haruhi replies and comes to my side after brushing off the multiple boys.

I reach towards her for support with keeping my steady breathing and Misuzu leads us further into the house. The only way that I got to stay here with Haruhi was because I agreed to work part-time. I was going to be the bouncer of sorts while Kou had the grand job of being bartender. Of course the cousins would be put to work too, having been brought as outside security.

We reach the stairs that will lead us to the living quarters, cousins suddenly behind us with our luggage, and I grab Haruhi's hand for further support. And even though I don't want to look down at the rest of my friends, I do and I catch sight of such a pitiful creature. Kyoya is biting his lip while his eyes bore into me with a confused expression and his hands are made into fists which shake at his sides. He can't seem to understand me and I can't seem to put him at ease. My heart clenches and I want to tell him that I'm sorry but know I will never.

But when I look to the others, their faces are quite the opposite. They have the brightest of smiles and are full of energy. They seem to radiate with their anticipation of what this week will bring and I feel reassured. They're excited. Haruhi squeezes my hand and I look to find the same expression as the happy faces below. Haruhi is excited too.

So even though I have mixed feelings about everything going on right now, I settle to be happy and let my heart make my chest warm with relief. This is going to be a fun week and I couldn't have asked for anything better than this.

* * *

"So I told him that he was totally crazy," Misuzu says quickly and quite loudly. This has been the routine the whole week. I sit by the bar with Misuzu and Kou while Haruhi joins us when she isn't waitressing. Misuzu is recounting a story that has been continuing over the span of three days.

"He didn't take it well?" I say softly even though my inflection takes on a mild question. Kou is mixing a shirley temple for me with extra cherries. Misuzu gestures wildly to go on with the story but Haruhi is ducking under the host's arm.

"Senpai, there's a festival tonight," Haruhi tells me as she lays a platter on the counter. I tilt my head at the girl, calm from living with her for the week. Our room was a huge suite with five beds: two bunks and one queen. Kou got the queen because he is injured and a baby.

Kou claps his hands after he hands me my drink, large smile gracing his lips. His face is completely healed but I refuse to let him speak with his tongue still healing. Just when I think we're safe, the brothel shows up with all the noise of a marching band. Tamaki is in my face as I take a sip of my cherry cocktail absent of alcohol. Kyoya pulls the blonde back before I could reach out and slap the side of his head for making my breath catch and heart pound.

"You have to come to the festival," Tamaki nearly yells. Kyoya looks at me and he's been better, almost like before. He still can push my buttons in the wrong way and is cold and calculating, but now he looks at me every now and then with this shameful expression. I attempt to smile at the brunette but as usual, I'm ripped in the inside with trying to soothe him and leading him on. He gives some small invisible smile back, causing my neck to get hot and my hands to gain a cold sweat. I shouldn't be doing this.

"Su-chan can't you come tonight?" Honey asks in a sweet voice much like his name suggests.

I glance over at Kou and he gives a hopeful expression. We were supposed to leave tonight for Kan's recital tomorrow. I told Ritsu we would be with the kids tonight. I look down to find my hand twirling my ring unconsciously. Maybe if we leave really early tomorrow, we would go straight to the recital. I wanted to be there with Ritsu though. I wanted us to walk Kan in together and tell him everything will be great, that he'll do great.

"Well," I sigh out. I rub my eyes with my left hand and wonder what to do.

"Call him," a cold voice says. The pain is evident with the voice covering up the hurt with a bland tone. I glance at Kyoya and he's staring at my hand with a concrete friwn. "Call your boyfriend and see if he'll let you go."

I give a glare with the last words. It's like he's insinuating that Ritsu won't let me do what I want to do. I don't my boyfriend to let me do what I want to do. Kyoya shies away from my furrowed brow and downturned lips. I can still make the boy afraid and I feel silent guilt but hot rage. No one messes with Ritsu and dirties his name. I will protect him.

"I'll be right back," I mutter as I jump off the counter. Brushing my blue dress down, I head past the group as I hear Misuzu question who my boyfriend is and how cute he is. My ears heat up, my piercings feel almost as if they were put in boiling water. My legs carry me faster out of thr building and I go to my hiding spot which I really a nook where the building pulls in with a weird corner behind shrubs. As I lower my body to the cool grass, I smell the roses from the garden in the air. It smells beautiful and I dig my free hand into the grass as I call.

"Hey Susan, give me a second," Ritsu says quickly. I can hear kids laughing and I feel longing course though my body. The boy's voice is light with happiness and I curl further into myself as I feel my stomach roll with want.

"I can call back," I offer with a smile into the receiver. There is a bunch of giggles from little girls and a yell from a small boy that is inherently Shoyo.

"No no no," Ritsu panics. I hold the receiver to my ear harder as I hear Ritsu complain to the group on the other side. Muffles of complaints are followed by a closed door and silence then Ritsu sighing. "Sorry, Shimizu had to run to the store and they always listen to you more."

"It's just because they know you're soft on them," I chide and Ritsu groans.

"One time that I let them go to the candy store."

"You know what they say, you give a hand and they'll take an arm," I giggle. Ritsu chuckles deeply and I yearn to hear it in person. He laughs so deeply when he isn't nervous. He's so many things and sometimes I want to hide him from the world, so I can selfishly keep him forever.

"Your laugh is amazing," Ritsu whispers gently. Then he gasps as if he can't believe he actually said something like that. "I, I mean, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, the others want to go to a festival in town tonight. I don't know if I could because we planned on leaving tonight," I start out. My smile falls off as I think about laying all of this on Ritsu. I shouldn't leave him like this. He let me come so I shouldn't make him be alone for the most important thing.

"You can leave tomorrow morning. I can pick up Kan and you can come early enough to walk with us there," Ritsu tells me. My heart clenches and I bite my lip. This isn't fair to him. I get to do what I want and he has to put up with something that I had wanted in the first place. "Susan, it's fine. You'll be here in the morning and we'll be together then."

"Are you sure? I mean, you have done so much—"

"I want you to have fun. I promised to do this with you, so let me handle this. I can handle this, trust me," Ritsu interrupts with a forceful voice. I bite my lip a little harder and close my eyes. He wants me to be happy. I want him to be happy. We will be happy together.

"I trust you, you know that," I say through my clenched teeth holding my piercings. I stand and lean against the house, eyes still closed as I imagine Ritsu's smile when he hears my words. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yah, have fun tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine and I love you," he replies sincerely. My eyes open as the turn to the blue sky. It's so pretty here and I am having fun but still wish that Ritsu would have come. He would have liked it here.

"I love you too," I breathe out. Sometimes the words fall out too easily to be normal. Though when I say them, they could never sound more perfect.

We hang up after that and I escape my hiding hole. Though it wasn't so much as hiding because the entire brothel is around the corner—including Kou and surprisingly Haruhi and Kyoya. My body stills and we have come to an impasse. They were listening to my entire conversation with Ritsu. They heard that we have kids and that I trust Ritsu. They heard the perfect words that make me scared but at the same time so sure of the world. So just when I think I'll have a panic attack, the twins come closer, grabbing my arms and pulling me away.

"We need to find you a kimono," they say in unison. I can only sigh in relief that they didn't force me to tell them things that are inherently private.

Three hours later—full of laughs and smiles—and fourteen kimonos between three shops, the brothel had finally dressed me and Haruhi. They finally agreed on a pastel purple for Haruhi. It was beautifully designed with white, light blue and pink sakura blossoms from the middle to the bottom which was a pale pink. Her deep purple obi went with the purple ribbons in her loose hair which had grown longer than mine.

My kimono was much darker, a dark blue bordering on black with white lilies on the sleeves and bottom. They had decided to make me wear makeup to which I protested greatly. They didn't listen and I ended up with gold eyeshadow that matched my golden obi. They lined my green eyes with brownish black eyeliner while my hair was pulled back to show the metal in my ears.

To put it bluntly, we were both beautiful. The host club put on yukatas which somehow matched their eye colors. The twins had amber ones while Tamaki had a beautiful royal blue. Mori had a deep gray while his cousin a pure lighter blue. My own men had red kimono and yukatas, the cousin's sleeves pulled back to show our daimons. Kyoya somehow was dressed in a black with a single white lily over the heart. We matched and as we exited the house to the main street, the boy kept close to me.

Kou and Tamaki were running around at the front, excited to get some good food. The twins were messing with Haruhi, the young girl frowning but somehow still keeping her happy smile. My cousins were messing with the host club cousins, Hana holding Honey who rides piggyback while he plays with her hair. I examine my friends and how they seem to exude pure unadulterated joy. My body feels light as a bounce in my step causes me to brush arms with Kyoya.

"Sorry," I say as I quickly step away from the boy.

He doesn't answer while he keeps looking forward. But I swear it's just my imagination when I catch the tips of his ears tinge a rosy color. My head turns back to the path and I ignore the jump my stomach makes. We walk while the street starts to darken and lanterns light the finally fina to the path while the street starts to darken and lanterns light the way k

The stars are finally in the sky. We walk around for an hour before it starts to liven up. Haruhi had somehow gained a teddy bear—which had come from Kaoru because Hikaru and Tamaki failed when they fought. Hana had eaten four different pastries with Honey. I just stayed close to watch them and Mori and Haru were on their ways to being great friends.

After another thirty minutes where Kyoya somehow managed to brush my hand with his too many times to be a accident, my heart was beginning to pound when we encounter the crowd. It was almost time for fireworks so everyone was on the street to catch the lights. As the street is filled with people of all ages, young and old, dressed in formal summer wear or modern dress, my nerves were beginning to be on edge.

We're soon separated and I finger my gun that sits under my kimono for strength. But when I open my eyes which shut to bring me power, I find myself surrounded by unfamiliar faces. My breath catches in my throat and my head begins to spin. I turn around, people staring at me in confusion. A woman bumps me, gives me an unfriendly look and pushes me aside. I fumble for my weapon but my hand which is grasping pitifully for comfort, is soon grabbed.

"You are hopeless," the voice says like the cold breeze. Kyoya's hand is warmer than I remember. He brings it to our sides and pulls my left arm which he holds. He leads us out of the crowd and to the side of the street where a vendor selling cotton candy stands. Kyoya is going to pull us elsewhere but I hold him back. The boy looks at the man working the stand, then back to me with a smile.

"You want one?" I ask softly, as if I could scare away the nice boy I had once knew that has returned.

"No, but I'll get you one," he tells me and pulls me to the man.

The old man looks like everyone's grandfather, old and white haired but with a kind smile. Kyoya fixes his glasses and I attempt to regain my steady heart. Kyoya purchases a sweet puff and hands it to me. I take it gratefully and allow Kyoya to lead us to a side street that is emptier than the main road. This street is mainly decorated with fun games and a fortune teller of sorts with a large gaudy sign.

Time seems to stand still when I chance a glance at Kyoya. His hair looks soft as the strung sugar on the stick I hold while his skin is pale in the lantern light. My head tilts to get a better view of his eyes. They are always so fascinating, like they hold a whole sea full of emotions on his still face. He gives me a smile and I don't know if I want to breathe or not. Though my lungs drown without water when he tries to intertwine our fingers. The ring on that hand burns and I slide my hand lifelessly out of his.

"Thanks for the cotton candy," I blurt out and look away.

Kyoya coughs and I join him as I move my legs down the street. What the hell am I doing? I can't let this happen. These thoughts shouldn't enter my mind. I take a piece of pink fluff and eat it quickly to distract myself from butterflies in my stomach. The boy catches up to me and we walk side by side. There is an air of awkwardness and we pass couples winning prizes. A once almost something. We weren't ever anything but at this moment it feels so much like we were.

"I would apologize but I'm not sorry," Kyoya whispers into the summer night. I almost wish I hadn't heard it, but the fact is that I did. Then I have the stupid choice of looking at him to find him already looking at me. He gives me those big sad round eyes that gaze at me like I rule the world and he wants to kneel before me. My mouth wants to form the words that I'm sorry but I just turn away to keep the tears from building up in my makeup eyes.

"Come darling," a woman coos from a stall. The woman is dressed in a long black dress that reaches the floor and is made of pure lace; her accent is foreign and her skin and eyes are so European. I allow the cotton candy to melt in my mouth while she beckons for me. And I am going to walk away from the gypsy but I don't get far. "Darling come here. It isn't everyday I get to tell a lord their future."

"What?" I gasp and the woman gets off her chair. She comes to me and grabs my hand, leading me to a table with two chairs and a yellow tablecloth. Candles sit melting with a sage smell.

"Susan," Kyoya starts but the woman waves him quiet. The boy settles to stand behind me with a hand on my shoulder. I allow it because the woman has green eyes just like mine in the dim light and they're mesmerizing.

"My dear, you have been through many trials," the woman says as she holds me in her gaze.

"That's specific," Kyoya mutters sarcastically and I crack a smile.

"You have never had a mother. For the first decade you saw red, so much red and burning flesh," she murmurs and I stiffen. Okay, so that's a bit creepy. The woman closes her eyes and reaches out to my hand. She immediately fingers my ring and smiles with her eyes still closed. "You have a large family. One family is joined in blood. The other is cut from the same cloth raised by you and another of similar family."

"Another of similar family?"

Is that like the orphans? Cut from the same cloth? Is that one the orphans? I'm confused. I know the large family is my gang. We're joined in blood, not by blood. The woman rolls her long hair full of curls when she leans her head back. Kyoya must feel my confusion and he rubs my shoulder reassuringly.

"Great happiness found in those of ill-repute," the woman goes on and I snort. The brothel. "Many who gave you a promise. You wish to protect them and you will."

"That's," well I don't really know. Ritsu gave me a promise. My gang has given me a promise. The host club has given me a promise. This is so vague but it actually makes sense. The woman begins to crush my fingers in her grasp and I watch her shudder.

"Pain, so much pain. There is a lie. Death is soon. When the leaves fall, blood paints a perfect snowflake. It smells like grass and tears. Pain."

"I think that's enough," Kyoya hisses but I can't rip myself from the woman. Her eyes open and the fear makes me grow cold. Her lip quivers and she pulls me close over the table, her lips to my ear.

"You will make a choice soon. You will fall into darkness. Bring yourself out or you will break the boy on the horse. Your emotions rule your choices; outcomes change with outlook. Love can save and destroy in the same breath."

"Susan come on," Kyoya says as he grabs my shoulders, pulling me far away. When we are away from the woman whose eyes haunt my vision, the boy pulls me into him. "What the hell was that all about? What did she tell you? Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"To which question?"

"I just don't know," I yell at him as I push him away. I run through the crowds back to the house and lose Kyoya on the way. When I burst into the house, my makeup is running down my cheeks, making black lines of anguish. Misuzu sees me and immediately flails. She quickly comes to me, taking me in strong arms to hide me from the world. I can't feel my blood, my body is so cold with fear.

"What happened?"

"I don't know but I'm scared."

"It's okay, you're safe now."

"I'm not so sure about that," I breathe out as I tremble and try to make sense of a fortune teller's cryptic message.

* * *

"For once in my goddamn life, a fucking fortune teller tells me my future and she doesn't mention this. This is so much more important than fucking everything else in her stupid oracle. Damn that fucking crack hippie with gypsy eyes!"

My hands point to the smoke billowing out of the radiator of our car. We're halfway to home when the car decides to blow. We have been stuck for an hour on the side of the road and miraculously the car is still smoking. I kick the car tire for good measure but it only accomplishes in hurting my foot. Kou grabs me by the waist before I can destroy our transportation. I flail with rage and then just slump in his arms.

"It's okay," he whispers and I look to the sky with tears.

"I told Ritsu I would be there. I told Kan that I would be there. And I'm not there," I scream. Hana and Haru look at me like I'm crazy and I just might be. Kou holds me tighter before I could go back to destroying the car.

"The tow truck is almost here and we'll be back in no time," Hana reasons. I shake my head and Haru is looking at me with panic. I fight against Kou even more but the boy is abnormally strong, especially for recovering.

"It doesn't matter. I'm still late. I still missed it. I let Kan and Ritsu down. I told them I would be there."

"Susan-sama, calm down," Haru demands and I still. The large man is sad and scared. He doesn't want me to get hurt or for me to hurt Kou. Kou lets me go and I grab his hand in order to stay in the same place.

The tow truck gets to us an hour after that, thirty minutes from the start of Kan's competition. We get to a small town where we literally buy a clunker while our car was in the shop. The clunker of course was only four cylinders and wouldn't go over sixty without groaning. I couldn't hate myself more over the two hour ride to the city. Plus Ritsu wasn't answering his damn phone, probably turned it off at the competition.

The sun was high in the sky when we pulled up to the orphanage. The street was quiet and I flew out of the car the minute it stopped. My legs couldn't carry me faster to the front door and my fist couldn't knock harder. I rang the doorbell multiple times. The door just wouldn't open and I looked around helplessly. I crouched on the front porch in my jeans and white v-neck shirt while I tried not to cry.

"Excuse me, girl," a voice calls from across the yard. The neighbor stands on her porch but this isn't the normal neighbor.

"Where's Saeko?" I ask the old lady. She gets her feathers in a ruffle and gives me a sour look.

"If you're looking for Shimizu, she took the kids to her sister's house," the woman say coldly. I stand up and walk to her.

"All of the kids?" I ask in confusion. The woman shakes her head, one loose strand from her bun coming out.

"No a boy picked up the eldest and youngest one in the morning," she tells me and I feel the weight lift from my chest. Ritsu has Kan and Makoto still. "It was that Kasanoda heir and some goon of his."

"Ka-Kasanoda?" I stutter and the weight is back on. It makes it hard to breathe and rage creeps up my spine, body standing straighter. The woman huffs and I step towards her angrily. "How did you know it was Kasanoda?"

"Because I live near them. I'm just visiting my cousin," she replies angrily, as if I couldn't doubt her knowledge.

I turn quickly. I run to the car. Then as I sit on the dirty seat of a car that smells like cigarettes, I feel my blood boil. They took my kids. They probably have Ritsu. What if he isn't answering because they have him? God I'm such a fool. I should have come back. I shouldn't have stayed for the festival. I put them in danger and I wasn't here to protect them.

Visions of Kan with a bloody noise or broken glasses start the montage of beatings which ends with Ritsu lying a pool of blood the same color of his hair. My jaw stiffens and my men look at me as I transform with bloodlust leaking from every pore in my body. I don't care if I start a war. If they so much as denied them a glass of water or scared Makoto, I will kill them all.

"Give me my gun. We're going to Kasanoda," I order. The cousins look at me from the front with unsure looks.

"Susan-sama—"

"If you don't start this damn car and start driving I'm going to take your fingers," I roar in the small space.

Everyone flinches and Haru turns around to drive. Hana hands me my gun and I swear that car was in front of Kasanoda in a second. I don't even wait for the car to stop to get out. Putting my gun in my waistband, I pound the concrete with my steps to the syndicate. The doors are open and I walk in, all the men giving yells. No one stops me though. I'm far too scary to approach.

Kou is behind me as I slam the front door open and walk through the halls of the Kasanoda main house. My eyes burn as they pierce the interior so hard and my ears roar with my own heartbeat. I remember the way to the meeting room and when I fling that door open, I just so happen to find the lord sitting in the same spot I left him months before.

"What the, what is going on?" the man screams. He gets up in his black yukata and I point my gun at him. Men are running to the door and when they see their boss at gunpoint, they freeze. I know Kou is nervous but I'm only angry.

"Tell them to leave or I'll shoot you right now," I threaten. The man doesn't open his mouth and I cock Harry. He puts his hands up and tilts his head to his men.

"Wait outside the house," he says strongly in spite of the fear in his eyes. His men hesitate but I step forward and they clear out, door closing behind them. The lord keeps his hands where I can see them as he sits, palms flush against the table. "What can I do for you Crea-san?"

"You took my kids. I want them back, now," I say, void of emotions. I've gone into overdrive. I'm so angry that I've detached from my emotions. Kasanoda looks at me and I know his eyes are telling me the truth when they relay he's confused.

"Kids? I didn't take any kids," he argues softly. I shake my head frantically. Emotions are attaching again and now I'm panicking.

"You took my kids from the orphanage. The neighbor saw them with your heir. I want them back and they better be unharmed," I command but my voice cracks on the last word. Kasanoda gives me an honest look as he shakes his head.

"My son wouldn't do anything like that. He isn't like that," he reasons and I know my emotions have been boiling over since this morning—last night with the damn fortune teller actually.

"Then where are they?" I yell in desperation. Where are they? Where is Ritsu? Where is Kan? Makoto? The old man stands but his body language seems to show pity. He frowns gently at me and his eyes are pained.

"I don't know but they aren't here," he coos.

I want to shoot him. He has to be lying. And I'm just about to shoot him when the door opens and I spin slightly. Kan runs in with Makoto and I nearly drop a loaded gun. I uncock Harry as I replace him in my waistband. My legs lower me to the floor harshly and I gather both boys in my arms. They hug me back and I don't know what to feel first. The fear of them being here that stops my heart. The relief that they look fine that relieves my lungs. The anger that fires my stomach because Kasanoda lied to me. I press my lips against both boys' temples before I hear a familiar voice.

"Susan?" my name is a surprised sound that makes me rise with Makoto in my arms. Ritsu stands in front of me and my eyes quickly examine him for wounds. His jeans don't have holes and his green shirt doesn't have blood. I feel my breath release when I find no physical damage but the next words uttered mentally damages me beyond repair.

"Son, why do you have these kids that belong to Crea-san?"

I turn quickly to Kasanoda who is staring at Ritsu in confusion. He addressed the question to him. He called him son. He is Ritsu's father. I look back to the redhead and my world shatters. The boy has yet to deny it, so it's the truth. He didn't tell me. My heart stops pounding and stills while I look helplessly at the boy I love. He lied to me. He is from another gang. He's the heir to Kasanoda.

"Susan, I'm sorry, I was going to tell you when you came back," Ritsu begs. He steps toward me but I grab Kan's hand and step back. It breaks Ritsu's heart to see me run from him but I can't help it. Every cell in my body is deconstructing and recreating and it makes me feel like I'm burning alive. I would rather be burned than feel this pain. Ritsu takes another step towards me and I try to muster a glare as I take one back.

"Kou," I say and turn to my brother. The boy looks at me with such sorrow and I know he knew. Tetsuya stands with him and I feel my lip tremble.

"It's okay okaa-san," Makoto whispers to me. The boy looks at Ritsu and the redhead flinches. "Otou-san got us ice cream."

"Kou take them to the car," I manage to form.

I hand the small child to him and look at Tetsuya pleadingly. The blonde pities me and reaches out to Kan. They take the kids away, closing the door behind them. The air is suddenly sticky and it's too quiet. I can't breathe as my heart contracts and twists inside out. Ritsu walks towards me but I only put my hands out to keep him away. The boy's face would show less pain if I had just punched him.

"I was going to tell you," he says and I feel the tears rise.

"You're only saying that cause you're caught," I bite, causing Ritsu to have tears in his eyes. He shakes his head, a tear flying away from his face.

"No, I swear. Trust me," he begs. I laugh out a broken sob.

"Trust you? How am I supposed to trust you? You've been lying to me for months," I yell at him. His eyes search my face and I know he's trying to see what I'm really feeling. It's the same look he gives me when I have a panic attack: utter hopelessness.

"Susan, please, I wanted to find a way to make this alright."

"So you didn't think I could help? You didn't think that I would want to make it work, find some fucking miracle? Did you think that I wouldn't have tried?" I ask hysterically. The boy comes closer and I evade his arms, switching places with him and gaining more ground to back away.

"I didn't know what to think, I was scared," he says brokenly. Tears roll down his face and mine, equal in the heartbreak.

"You were scared but you didn't think I would help you? You can't do that Ritsu, get scared and not tell me. You can't just not trust me and then want me to trust you. I tell you everything. I tell you things that I don't tell to other people. I tell you when I'm scared or I'm angry or when I love you so much it hurts."

"I know and I love you too. Just listen to me," he booms and he knows he's losing this fight. He's hanging on by a thread. I finally notice Kasanoda standing at his desk, looking on with defeat in his eyes. He looks at me and when our eyes meet, I know he's sorry for what this is doing to me. My hands wrap around each other and I know I have to ask.

"Did you send him to spy on me? Did you send him to get into my bed and learn all my dirty little secrets?" I hiss but it doesn't come out like before. This one is just begging for the truth.

"I didn't—"

"I wasn't talking to you," I scream at Ritsu. The boy straightens from my rage and I turn back to his father. "Did you send him?"

"No. I didn't even know he knew you," Kasanoda assures. My ringed hand goes to my mouth as I attempt to hold in the wails and sounds of disbelief. My body is racked by dry sobs and I want to stop the pain. I almost wish Kasanoda said yes. Maybe then I could just detach while I convinced myself that Ritsu didn't love me. When I look back to him, my love just makes me cry harder. I want to hate him but I know I could never. He looks at me pleadingly while he clenches his hands into fists so hard his knuckles are white.

"It hurts so much and I wish I could hate you," I proclaim. Ritsu goes limp as his eyes lose all hope. They're just a dull light brown misted with tears.

"Babe please just let me explain. I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to protect you, I'm still the same person."

"Ritsu, you don't understand. You might be the same person but you hold a title now. You have a gang and I have a gang. They have been watching me for months fall in love with you. I may love you but I have to protect them. They trust me. They need me. I have to put them first," I say angrily. I can't believe I've done this. I can't believe I've fallen in love with the only person who it's impossible to be with.

"I know but maybe—"

"There is no maybe, no but, no if. We were supposed to never have met. I can't fix this now. I've been made a fool of and if you had told me you were scared, that you were someone who you weren't, I would have fixed this. How do you expect me to trust you?" I break completely. I'm doing that annoying thing where I have to suck in through my nose. My eyes are hurting like the rest of my body, the tears flow too fast and too strong.

"I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry Susan. Just, please let me fix this. I don't want to lose you," he begs as he comes closer.

His arms come towards me and I want so much to run into them but I can't seem to find the strength. My legs can barely hold me they shake so badly. He would have been the person I ran to, to comfort me, to tell him what made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I've told him everything.

There wasn't a piece of my soul unearthed to him. He was making my barren life grow a field of sunflowers but with one lie he chopped them all down and laid salt in the dirt.

"I love you," I tell him and relief falls over his continence. I shake my head at him and hug my arms around myself. "I can't see you though."

"No, just listen, I'm sorry. I should have told you," he cries harder than before. My body collapses into itself with the shudders. He tries to hug me but I avoid him once again.

"Don't see me again. Don't come to the house. Don't see the orphans when I'm there. Don't wait for me at school. I can't do it. I can't see you because I can't let my gang get hurt because of me. I can't start a war. I can't be your Juliet," I whisper.

My hands come off my body and I open the door, running out of the house. I can hear Ritsu trying to follow me but his father must hold him back. When I get to the courtyard, the members stare in shock that a gang lord can also be a girl with a broken heart. I finally get into the car and notice that it isn't the clunker but a second town car with Fu driving. I drive the heels of my hands into my eyes to get the tears to stop. They don't and I sob quietly until we get home. Then I do exactly what the fortune teller told me I would do.

I fall into complete darkness.

* * *

**Hey everybody! Sorry about such the late update. I'm trying to get a hang of my really weird switching schedule with school and then work has been a mess. My main supervisor is pretty nice to me but to other people he's not, so when I told one of my coworkers after he asked me what I thought about him, he got angry at me. I told him that our supervisor wouldn't change, so you had to be nice to him to get by but he blew up and yelled at me that he thought I was a kiss ass and then basically told me that I didn't have any dignity, so yah. I have to see him tomorrow and I told my secondary supervisor about what he did and she said that she'll handle it. Sorry about this, it was more of a vent than actually notes. **

**Anyway back to the story. So that third part has been playing in my head a lot lately and how I would make it truly heartbreaking. I hope I really did. Also creepy fortune teller wasn't planned at all. It was really a last second decision and hope that will lay out the story for the most part. It was really really cryptic but if you guys really want me to go into detail, I can in the next chapter. **

**Anyways, thank you to everyone who comments, you guys get gold stars because what you do is awesome. Everyone who has made it this far is especially awesome, so thanks so much. **

**As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys) :) (:**


	32. Survival

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Survival **

* * *

"**No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side.**

**Or you don't."**

― **Stephen King, **_**The Stand**_

* * *

"It's been two days," Kou tells Fu worriedly. The large man stares at the wooden door while helplessness wracks his soul. The blue haired boy stares at the same door while he picks at his fingernails. The young boy's body was free of bruises and his tongue was nearly healed, the swelling having gone down completely. Though these things went unnoticed for the most part because there was a much bigger problem within Dojin-Kai.

The problem was the fact that the door before them had yet to open for forty hours. The problem was that the girl that laid behind the door had yet to eat, to drink or to speak about what had happened days before even if sometimes the door would crack open and Susan would travel down the hall to the bathroom—which when this happened she would be straight back in the room before anyone could actually catch her. The problem was that Susan Crea was falling apart alone.

"I think we have to check her," Fu says softly as he reaches out to the knob. His large hand shakes before it can even rest on the cool metal. When his palm hits the smooth surface and he turns it, it stops and the large man feels his heart in his throat.

"We'll have to use the closet," Kou murmurs as he turns down the hall.

The boy enters his own room while Fu follows after him. The room is spotless as usual and the two males step lightly through to the closet. The quiet is scaring them. Normally by this time Susan would be up and forcing the cousins to spar or would be bothering the twins about the men not getting into trouble. Though now there are only imagined whispers of what would have been an accented voice yelling with a teasing tone.

Fu tries to push the thoughts about the young girl whom he began to think of as a daughter further down. The push only pulls his heart out of his chest. Kou opens the door to his closet and walks into the dark space. Fu clicks the light on, illuminating the many colors of Kou's clothes. The young boy doesn't hesitate and grabs a handle of his built in shelving. The man pulls on the handle and the whole wall of shelving swings open to reveal a door with Susan's matching shelving on the other side.

They push against that and enter Susan's closet through the secret passage. When Fu had discovered the joint access, he immediately kept the knowledge from Susan. It would be better for her to just trust them if something ever went wrong so they wouldn't misjudge her next actions. As they entered Susan's room, Fu was still happy he didn't tell Susan because he immediately noticed that she pushed her desk against her door, allowing no entrance at all.

Kou runs to the bed which is surprisingly still made and the girl who remains in the same clothes from days before. Fu looked at the girl, noticing how she was curled into a ball with her knees under her chin and how her eyes weren't even focused on anything. Her eyes themselves are bloodshot and the bags under them are dark. Her arms have long lines like she scratched herself while her hair is lifeless in tangles. There is a light trail of pink from her lips where she must have bit too hard and then wiped the blood off.

"Susan," Fu says in a calm tone. The girl doesn't acknowledge the young boy who is now climbing onto the bed with her or the man who has moved into her line of vision. Kou reaches out with a tremble but stops before he can touch her skin.

"Susan, come on. You're scaring me," the boy tells her softly. Susan doesn't even move a facial muscle. She is void of all emotions. Fu goes to her and the man gathers the strength to touch her. Her skin is clammy and she doesn't respond to him. He moves his hands around the girl to shake her. Her legs remain in the same stiff position despite the movement and Fu feels the panic travel throughout his body.

"Susan wake up. Lunch is ready," he coaxes. No response. Fu gets more panicked and grabs her face in his hands, forcing her to meet his eyes, though the action could barely be called seeing. Susan's green orbs are dull and the color doesn't seem to shine like normal. Instead the color is dull, matte and heaven forbid Fu say this but, dead.

"It's just like at the beach," Kou whispers. The boy's hand travels back to his own body to hold in whatever cries may come out of his mouth. Fu looks at the young boy to find the same fear in his eyes.

"What do you mean?" the man asks as he begins to run his hands through Susan's hair. It feels wet even though she hasn't showered in a long time.

"When we got to the house after she called Ritsu, we found her in the room. She locked herself in and was under the shower but the water was freezing already. Ritsu took care of her. She cried when I tried to touch her and she was just like this, like she was in a coma."

That's why Kou hadn't laid his hand on her. He was scared he would make her cry like before. Though right now he knew that she wouldn't even gasp with his touch. Fu pushed her bangs back which weren't even straight anymore. He felt so small. He didn't know what to do. The large man pulled away from the girl and got his phone.

Kou at this time, finally mustered the courage to hold Susan in his arms. Fu went on to call the twins, who in turn called the doctor, and who when he arrived and checked Susan had stated that she was in a vegetative state. It wasn't uncommon in people who were depressed and those with PTSD. It was a sort of emotional block that would shield the person from their own mind. The doctor said that he could give her medication but it was always better for her mind to come out of the state on its own. That and Susan was allergic to the medicine that wasn't going to be so strong that it would damage her liver.

So for the two days after that the inner circle of the gang—the twins, cousins, Fu and Kou—took shifts with watching over her. Susan would move so slowly that they spoon fed her if she even accepted the nutrition. She didn't speak and the only noise that came out of her mouth was screams when she would awake from nightmares. They had to hold her down when she started that because she would scratch herself in attempt to get rid of whatever she believed she had on her body.

When they finally got her to take a shower, Hana washed her while the young girl sat in the tub. The small woman during the episode wanted to take off the ring from Susan's hand, fearful the water would damage it somehow, Susan promptly put her hand on her neck. Hana barely fought her off, escaping asphyxiation but not without a slight bruise. It was apparent that Susan would not let anyone touch the ring on her finger. It was like a somehow unconscious desire to keep what had been, to hold onto what was.

So on the fifth day of Susan in her emotional coma, Fu had to do something. He began to doubt that the girl would ever be the same. It was truly frightening for him to see her so weak and vulnerable, the girl often his own strength for things. So as he sat her at the piano, hoping the action of placing her hands on the ivory keys would awake her, Fu called her father. He knew the number and his English would suffice to relay the message that Steven Crea's daughter was sick. The phone was answered on the third ring and Fu chokes with nervousness.

"_Hey Susan, you haven't called in a while. You okay?"_ the heavy accented voice says on the other side of the receiver. Fu clutches the phone tighter to his ear while he takes in a deep breath.

"_Mister Crea, I am Fu, one of Susan's men,"_ he starts off but is soon stopped with the intake of breath from a fuzzy line.

"_What happened? Did she get hurt?"_ the man asks calmly though Fu can hear the worry in his voice. The Japanese man rubs his hand on Susan's shoulder while he can feel tears well up.

"_She is sick,"_ he whispers. Then he looks to the girl as if she would miraculously recover because he said the words aloud. She doesn't and Fu has to go on. _"The doctor said it was a catatonic depressive episode. It's been going on for five days now."_

"_What happened that triggered it?"_ Susan's father asks quickly. His voice is beyond worry and is almost sounding like he's dying. Fu doesn't want to tell the man. He knows that they had some hand in Susan's illness because they didn't tell her Ritsu was a Kasanoda. Though she barred them from talking about the boy with them and Ritsu threatened them to not tell her.

"_The boy she was dating was the heir to another gang. She didn't know and she found out instead of him telling her. To tell you the truth, she broke her heart,"_ Fu admits, almost regretting his decision.

Fu and the rest of the gang knew that Ritsu should have never hid who he was. Susan would have found some way to be with him if he told her. The girl was lenient with Tetsuya and if told, would have gone straight to the lord of Kasanoda to make some type of plan. But Ritsu didn't tell her and they kept their silence for Susan's sake. They could all see how happy he made her.

As much as the girl would hate to admit, the boy made her happier than any of them ever could. It took so little for her to smile with him. It was the smallest things, a blush on his face, when the boy would tease her even though they all saw he was dying on the inside, holding his hand to take kids to the park. Ritsu could do things with Susan that they would never have with her because she loved him—trusted him—completely. And he broke her trust and destroyed her completely.

"_You didn't tell her?"_ Susan's father hisses darkly. Fu can feel the invisible hand of menace choke his throat. Steven was beyond pissed. Susan silently presses an ivory key, the sharp tone ringing out. Fu watches the girl stop and stare at her hand as if she didn't know it was her own.

"_We thought it best for him to tell her,"_ Fu says quietly. Steven groans and there is the smashing of a lamp. The noise is so loud through the receiver that Susan's hand hits the key harshly. Fu grabs her head as he pulls her into his side. _"She was very happy with him. I didn't want to have her be not happy."_

"_You were supposed to protect her. You weren't supposed to let her fall in love with the wrong person. When you told me about her seeing someone, I asked you if it was a good choice. You said she was happy. You never told me any of this,"_ the man roars.

Fu flinches as he holds Susan tighter. Steven Crea breathes harder and harder as Fu catches another language being spoken to some man. Susan starts to tremble under Fu's hand and he knows she's having another panic attack. They come and go while the girl is awake then when she's asleep she has the nightmares. Susan is exhausted, Fu knows that for sure.

"_I don't know what to do,"_ Fu tells Steven with a voice shaking with fear. The man pulls Susan into his arms while he carries her back to her bedroom. Susan's father sighs at the same time the girl takes a shuddering breath. Fu finally gets her to the hallway and he carries her into Kou's room, the young boy half asleep. Susan is placed gently next to him and Kou grabs her, holding her with her head on his chest. Fu covers them with a light comforter before hesitating on tired feet.

"She'll be fine with me. You go rest," Kou tells the large man, knowing he hasn't slept for days.

"_She's been like this once before. It was a long time ago when she was much younger,"_ Steven whispers over the phone. Fu quickly leaves Kou and Susan to rest and then heads to his favorite chair. The bags under his eyes hurt and his body ached from fatigue.

"_What happened?"_

"_Well, it was when I brought her home. She, well, we met some guy on the street. He had been one of the guys who paid, paid for her. Susan locked herself in her room and didn't come out for a week_," Susan's father murmurs.

Fu falls into the chair as he imagines a baby Susan scared to death. Fu cries silently, overwhelmed with everything going on. This whole situation brings up memories of a young girl he once loved. That girl he was just with was sick, unresponsive, and Fu had to make the decision to not have her suffer anymore. Though as her man he should do something so much more drastic than merely calling her father.

"_Did she get better on her own_?"

Both men are quiet as they remember worse times. Steven Crea can't begin to imagine what his daughter was feeling. The mob boss knew that she didn't like getting close to anyone, let alone love someone. With her past and how much she was hurt, her father doubted that she could ever let anyone in. That's why when he heard she was actually seeing someone, he knew that he had to visit. But now he couldn't and he had to help her somehow.

"_If I could come I would. The feds took my passport. Susan can't come here, maybe_," the voice trails off. Then Steven remembers something he had wanted to forget. "_Vito was the one that she talked to first. I'm sending him. He'll be on the first flight out._"

"_Good_," Fu replies softly. Steven calls for the man named Vito. Fu wipes his eyes pathetically as he hangs up the phone. The large man cries for minutes after that but sleeps for hours. That night, Susan scream hardest of all the days. That night was also the night that the twins were on wall duty and caught a certain redhead attempting to sneak into the syndicate.

Aiko was sure that it was his imagination that he found Ritsu Kasanoda hiding behind a tree in the side of the yard. It wasn't until the redhead saw him and attempted to run away that the twin realized that they indeed have an intruder. The twin ran off after Susan's heartbreaker with a ferocity that he had yet to exert against the boy, tackling the boy to the ground with more force than necessary. Ritsu struggled under him but was sorely disappointed when Hideo showed up moments later.

"What do you think you're doing here?" Aiko yells in the young boy's ear. Ritsu begins to squirm again as he feebly attempts to get the large cousin off of him. Hideo pulls his brother up from the redhead for fear he would kill the boy and then Susan would inevitably kill them.

"You aren't welcome here and there is still a treaty in place," Hideo tells Ritsu calmly. The boy doesn't make eye contact with them, instead looking towards the house as if he is making a plan to get past them. Hideo steps between the boy and the house, Ritsu forced to look at the softer twin. Hideo's eyes widen as he takes notice of how bad the boy looks. Not only are the bags under his eyes rivaling theirs because they don't sleep when watching Susan, but his face has a bruise blooming from his left eye to his chin.

As much as the two twins would hate to think about, the Kasanoda heir had grown on them. He would always be a nervous mess when he wasn't with Susan and even when he was with her, there was a certain aspect of vulnerability they saw in him. That's why when they went closer to Ritsu and saw that the bruising came from lower still, his neck an ugly blue color in the moonlight, they were pissed. There was a fire in their stomachs that burned for his wellbeing and they forgot for a moment that Susan was angry at him.

That was until Susan started to scream into the night air from the house. The noise was muffled from the walls of the house but they were close enough to hear her pain and it made all the males stiffen on the grass. Aiko turned to the redhead with a sharp look and Ritsu seemed to want to die. The noise wrecked Ritsu's soul over and over and over. He heard it every night because he tried to sneak in to apologize to Susan every day but could never move his legs until tonight.

"Please, let me see her," Ritsu begs as the screaming dies a bit, the echo of it bouncing through the silent sky.

"I think we'll die before that happens. You should have told her. You should have let us tell her," Aiko argues harshly. Ritsu steps forward, murderous intent rolling off of his body, face sending daggers.

"I need to help her. You can't just keep letting her stay like this. This had been going on for too long," Ritsu screams. The boy rushes past the twins only to be caught once again. The redhead throws a punch which hits Aiko in the gut but Hideo returns the favor, Ritsu keeling over. Hideo lowers the boy to the ground and watches as he trembles with rage. His face was terrifying and Hideo knew that Ritsu wouldn't hesitate to shoot them if that meant he would get to see Susan.

"She can't see you," Hideo tells the boy. The man kneels down to look into Ritsu's eyes. They leak with the anger and the boy's hands crush the blades of grass around him. Hideo wants to tell the boy that everything will be fine, that Susan would be fine, but he didn't know anymore. Susan wasn't their Susan right now and it scared the whole gang. She wasn't the same person and he didn't know if she would ever be the same.

"I know she's angry at me but she needs me. I can help her, just let me see her. Let her choose me," Ritsu begs. Aiko feels his harsh look fall from his face. The boy is pleading so helplessly. His voice is already dying but his eyes are full of hope. Aiko picks the boy up and roughly pulls him the opposite direction of the house. Ritsu digs his feet into the ground and Hideo grabs his other side. Aiko knows his brother is going to break down and tell Ritsu that Susan is sick, giving his brother a curt shake of his head.

"She's sick Ritsu. She isn't going to be able to choose even if she wanted," Hideo spits out quickly. Aiko gives his twin a dirty look but doesn't get to unleash it full force because Ritsu goes limp in their hands.

"I have to see her. Let go of me," he starts flailing all of a sudden. Hideo and Aiko don't want to hurt the boy but at the same time, they won't let him anywhere near their boss. So they drag the boy screaming and fighting out of the syndicate, handing him off to his own men that stand across the street. The bodyguards that take Ritsu and hold him just as tightly as Susan's men. They look on with solemn looks at each other, all parties angry with how the situation has evolved.

The next day on the same side of the street, a taxi pulled up and out stepped an Italian man with a grim look and deep colored eyes. He wasn't tall and was a little round around the middle but was a true Italian. His deep brown eyes were accompanied by jet black hair which was full and wavy. His skin color was that of a tan which rivaled Susan's with the olive tone it undertook. The man walked up the long path to the main house and his lips which were normally set into a smile were stuck in a grim line. The sun was setting on his back and when he reached the house, he knocked on the door, hand heavy with incorrigible worry.

"_Hello_," Fu says in a heavy accent as he opens the door. Vito had a slight trouble with really processing the Japanese language and was happy that Susan's men spoke English.

"_Hello. Where is Suzanna?_" Vito asks in an equally thick accent.

Fu gestures for the man to come in, both of them in suits, one wrinkled because he was too tired to iron before he made breakfast, the other from the fourteen-hour flight from New York. Vito enters the home with a gentle step, taking off his shoes in the doorway before proceeding further. Fu leads the man down the halls and when they get to Susan's door, it opens to reveal Hana sitting with Susan while the woman attempts to get a response from her.

"_Hana, this is Vito,"_ Fu tells the woman in English before they come to her side.

Hana looks at the Italian with interest that would be much brighter if the woman wasn't so depressed herself. Vito goes to the girl on the bed who is staring at her hands while they pick at her nailbeds. Susan has deteriorated quickly, ten pounds lighter and skin dry and patchy, blotches of white on her cheeks. They have her dressed in light clothing because her temperature always runs high after eating, a fever not being the priority for the body when taking in food.

Vito would like to say that he was happy to see Susan but he wasn't so sure anymore. He wasn't only here because she was ill and if he had come for a happier occasion, he wouldn't feel the pit in his stomach. The man remembers when Susan was little, the nightmares having been worse back then before they had her talk to a therapist which she never actually talked to but miraculously helped. Back then Susan would flinch after every sudden movement, cigarettes causing her to run away and tremble, men raising their voices forcing her into a panic attack. She had gotten so much better but was never a whole person.

Vito could only have hoped that from what Steven told him about how Susan was doing and how happy she sounded, that she was a whole person. That boy helped her to become a whole person. Now that she pushed him away, Vito knew that she wouldn't be the same. He had to help her though and he was going to do it the only way he knew how.

"_Suzanna. Suzanna. Come on,"_ the man starts softly. Susan doesn't stop picking at her hands and Vito grabs her arm roughly, Susan's men jumping to pull the man off their boss. Vito shakes Susan and starts to raise his voice. _"Suzanna you have to stop this. You have to get up. Look at me. You have to stop." _

"Stop," Hana yells at Vito as she rips him off of Susan. But when Vito steps away from the girl, she turns her head to him. The girl's eyes are open and her hands cease their movement.

"_Susan come on. You have to stop feeling like this. You have to get up,"_ Vito commands roughly. Susan's eyes widen but Fu couldn't be happier for the small amount of movement. Fu takes Hana off of their guest and the Italian goes closer to Susan. _"Come here Suzanna. Come here and give me a hug."_

"Vito," Susan croaks. Her voice is so hoarse from the screaming but the four letter name couldn't make Hana and Fu any happier. The young girl stands shakily and Vito forces her to step on her own, close enough to grab her if she does fall. Susan takes a step forward and then another before she collapses, caught by her old friend, her adoptive godfather. Vito lifts her to stand while he hugs the girl into him. Susan doesn't waste a beat while her arms go around the man.

"_It's okay Suzanna. You're going to okay. We'll make sure you'll be okay," _Vito whispers into Susan's hair. The girl nods lightly before she dissolves once again, the actions making her too tired. Vito puts her in the bed and she falls straight to sleep. But when the girl awoke, she was more of their Susan than they could have hoped for overnight.

* * *

I woke up and felt like I had been in the desert for years. My throat was raw and my eyes were dry. My skin wasn't any better and there was a fatigue that caused me to be slow moving. My lips were chapped and there was a scab next to my right snakebite. My head pounds with a headache as I try to recall why I even feel like this. What day was it? I at least knew I was home but just what time is it?

My arms push me up in my bed and I find Haru lying next to me, reading a book. The man notices that I'm moving and he looks at me cautiously, his body turning stiff as he puts the book on his lap. The muscles in my legs feel like growing pains and my back is twisted a bit. Though this is a little less concerning than the fact that I feel like I'm moving like a sloth. Actually, a sloth might be quicker right now.

"Haru," I speak and my voice sounds worse than death. What the hell is going on?

"Susan, how do you feel?" Haru says slowly, as if scared I won't comprehend fast enough. The man gets off of the bed and pulls me quickly into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. My face forms into a scowl as I realize that I didn't even have the strength to move myself. I look at my body to find it different somehow and then find there are angry lines along my arms. Lifting my arms to the light above, I can tell they're scratches but can't seem to place where I got them.

"Why are these here?" I ask in confusion. Haru grabs my hands in his and his face is fearful. The man wavers as I know he is deciding what to tell me. I pull my hands back but even the action is hard to escape the man's light grip.

"What do you remember last?" Haru asks me and I swallow thickly.

My hands rest on my lap and they immediately begin to play with the circle on my left middle finger. I have to break this habit of playing with Ritsu's ring. Ritsu. Wait. My brain shows me images of Kasanoda and Ritsu and I in the same room. Ritsu is crying and I feel, the emotion is something like despair. There is a searing pain in my chest and the sharp prick stabs my heart. This is betrayal? Why is it betrayal?

Because Ritsu is in Kasanoda and he didn't tell me. The ring on my hand begins to feel like it's tightening to a point of choking the digit. Ritsu is the heir to Kasanoda and he never told me. He was lying to me for months and he thought I wouldn't want to stay with him. Do I want to stay with him? My throat closes as my chest rises and falls with dry whimpers. I, there is now way that I'll start a war because I want to be happy. But I love him.

"I remember," I murmur as my voice rustles like leaves. I remember everything from when we got home. My body shifts as the door to my room opens, revealing a small German woman. Hana hesitates within the portal and her eyes dart from me to her cousin back to me. I reach out to her and she rushes to my side. As she gets closer I find the skin around her neck is yellow. My body jumps up and it crumples beneath me, Haru catching my shoulders.

"Susan please don't move so quickly," Hana commands softly. I reach up and touch the discolored skin on her body with a surprisingly steady hand.

"Who did this?" I croak. Hana flinches back and Haru's hands tighten on me. The man places me back in my hoard of blankets and Hana sits next to me.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"What?" I ask at the same question. I feel my face contort with anger and confusion. "Hana tell me who did that to you."

There is silence and I wonder why she is so hesitant to tell me who hurt her. I want to kill whoever did this to Hana. I wasn't there for her but I am stuck on the fact that the bruise is already half healed like it happened days before. Yesterday though we were driving back and nothing happened with the Host Club. I don't understand what is happening and I reach towards Hana as she finally decides to tell me.

"You did," she says solemnly. I bite my lip though it already hurts. I grab Hana's chin and stare into her dark eyes. "You've been very sick."

"How sick?" I whisper shakily. This would explain my lack of knowledge. How much time has gone by and I've been dead on the inside? The woman pulls away to escape my gaze and I know it must have been absolutely terrible. It isn't until an old face enters the room that I realize I must have been worse than dying.

Vito is his cheery and stupid self, large grin adorning his face with wrinkles. I missed the man. Looking at his tan face I feel the rush of homesickness that makes my heart ache. Vito smiles even larger as I scramble past my two cousins and run into his arms. My body aches as he catches me and I don't want to move anymore I'm so tired.

"_I'm glad you're awake,"_ Vito says as he kisses the side of my head.

"_When did you get here?"_ I ask the man and he kisses me once more, this time on my forehead. The action causes my throat to close because it is so familiar but not because I missed Vito. Ritsu would do that a lot to me and now I have to deal with the fact that I won't feel this anymore.

"_I got here two days ago. You asked me this yesterday, do you remember?" _Vito proceeds as he puts his arm around me. My godfather walks me out of my room and my legs hurt like when you haven't worked out in a while and the muscles burn with the slightest exercise.

My brain on the other hand pounds as it works overtime to remember talking to Vito yesterday. There are snippets that seem more like dreams than actual memories and I feel like I've been stuck in this haze that makes me feel like I've had drugs pumped into my blood. I remember this feeling once before. It was when, well, I can't remember exactly how long it lasted or when it actually was but I remember how it started. No, I remember **who** started it and I won't ever forget. Vito has sat me down at the table without me actually realizing anything and I recall just what had happened years before.

It was probably a month after my Pa took me in. Steven tried for a long time to touch me, for him to reassure me that I would be safe, but I always flinched when he reached out. The only one who could even get close to me, sit next to me on a park bench without my skin starting to crawl was Vito. But there was a week that Vito had to go back to Italy because his mom died and Steven decided to not leave me by myself.

I think he was scared that I would run away if he didn't show me that he still wanted me. Steven took me to a business deal, one of those where you meet at the coffee shop but everyone inside is some sort of mafia member. I was safe but the guy who he was meeting with had a bodyguard with rotting teeth and a knack for having painted my skin blue as a sort of reminder for me. The man—Roger—always said it was because he didn't want me to miss him while he was gone.

When Roger saw that I was with my father, he thought that Steven bought me from my foster parents. Steven at first wondered how Roger knew me but when that disgusting man—with slimy skin from always going through withdrawal—tried to touch me and I screamed while I bit his hand, he knew it wasn't right. But Steven didn't realize soon enough and Roger hit me with the same hand I made teeth marks with.

The rest from there was fuzzy until Vito came home. I don't even remember why the first memory after the absence is that of Vito bringing me milk and cookies to my bedroom or how long I had been out of it. I just remember that Vito pulled me out of bed, dressed the wounds I had made along my legs and arms, and then force fed me snickerdoodles when he knew I liked chocolate chip.

"_You need to eat,"_ Vito says in an accent that makes my heart swell. The man has placed his signature bowl of oatmeal which is really boxed cream of wheat that has lumps formed because he forgets to stir the pot. This is just like back then. I look at the table and find that it is filled. The cousins sit on the other side of Vito while the twins are across from them. Fu is directly across from me while my young brother sits next to me. All of my men look worse for wear and I can't help but gather the strength that I have stored in my soul as I detach my emotions.

If I detach my emotions, then I don't have to think about the fact that the only boy who I told things and the only one who I trusted completely has betrayed me. It might seem a little drastic but it doesn't feel like that. Though with a swallow and a firm grasp on my silver spoon, the feeling just slips away as I become cold. I need to be boss right now. I have neglected my duties for too long.

"You guys look like shit," I whisper.

All of my men still and then gaze with wide eyes, though the bags make their eyes smaller because of the puffiness. I begin to eat and even the movement seems strained. The scratches along my arms are littered at awkward angles while I notice the nails on my hands have been picked at to the point they have bled. My left hand sits on the table while my fingers tap out a steady beat to calm me.

This doesn't really work when I find the pearl on my finger glisten as it shifts in the sunlight. Ritsu gave me a ring. He said he loved me. I promised to never take it off. I promised him that I would protect him and he would protect me. No, everything that I ever said, I said to a boy who wasn't a gang lord. I said it to my Ritsu Onoda, not the heir to Kasanoda. I don't love Kasanoda. I can't love him. I will not start a war.

I still love Ritsu.

"Susan-sama, would you like to hear a status report?" Aiko breaks my trance. I rip my gaze from my ring while I put the hand under the table. I should take off the ring. But my throat closes painfully while my eyes feel the buildup of tears when I think about removing the memento.

"I think that would be best," I reply smoothly, my voice gaining courage and is steady. I can catch Fu and Hideo give the angry twin a short glare. They don't think I'm ready. "I need to hear what has happened. Tell me everything from when I came home."

"Susan, we can do this slowly," Kou offers as he grabs the edge of my long shirt. I find that it smells like him and know that they probably have been trying to get me to feel something, pathetically putting me with smells that I would remember. I turn my head to look at Kou to find him staring at the table. He doesn't meet my eyes for a fear that I cannot comprehend. It makes my throat swallow hard and digging deep, I gather a few brave words.

"Kou, I've been sick for how long?" Kou doesn't look at me still. I grab his hand, dropping a silver spoon I never had the chance to be born with. He peeks over at me and I muster a smile. "How long?"

"Twelve days."

"Have I asked these questions before? I am just replaying today?" I ask a bit unsure. It's been longer than I expected. Kou finally meets my eyes. He seems to want to cry but he's holding it in for me.

"You haven't made it to this point before. You couldn't eat breakfast yesterday," he replies as he crushes my hand in his. He doesn't know what to do and it's breaking him. I look across the table to find all of my men broken. Though when my eyes meet Fu, I know that I've destroyed him completely. In my own destruction I have shattered his soul, his eyes bloodshot and his lips peeled from how much he's been licking them. His clothes aren't his normal formal wear but some day used t-shirt and jeans. I've never seen him in jeans.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. This isn't what I should have been doing for my men. I should have been a better boss. "Oh my god I am so sorry."

"We should have told you," Fu replies steadily as he wipes his nose before it can start to run. His expression is heartbreaking as you can see the regret. I shake my head before I can start to break again. Fu opens his mouth to argue but I have to stop this circle of heartbreak.

"I don't want to talk about it. It's in the past and we need to move on," I order and Fu nods as he sit up straighter.

He doesn't want to let this go because he wants me to admit that it was someone's fault or to reassure him that it was fine. Neither of these will happen and I look to my seconds to get the report of what has happened. My hand goes back to my oatmeal and I can feel the life flow through me as Kou scooches his chair closer to me, our bodies touching each other.

"While you were, well, you were," Aiko starts and then trips up.

"We had several incidents. One was from a small gang that we incorporated when we took on Sendo. They wanted more pull and requested an audience. We refused," Hideo saves his brother.

"They didn't appreciate it and we had them put down. Right now we have Rei and his men looking after it. Some deals went through and we had a large drug deal investigated by the police but they found nothing. Our treaty has held up and we are still on the look for who hired to send you the message with Kou," Aiko goes on. I nod with understanding as my eyes feel heavy again. My bowl is emptied of food but I couldn't eat more when Vito got up to serve me more. I pushed the seconds away while I gauge my men. The twins are hiding something. I can see it in their good eyes. There is something that they don't want me to know because they think they're protecting me. I have to put an end to this secret making. I should be angry at them for hiding something so important like Ritsu's identity from me, but I only feel a hole where my heart once swelled with joy.

"You need to tell me. No more keeping secrets from me. I am your boss," I command and the twins bite their lips simultaneously. I feel Kou rub our shoulders together and know that he wants me to be easy on them. I don't listen to Kou. There is only one person who could stop me from fighting with someone and that person isn't here.

"There was a couple of breaches in the walls. We took care of them before they got to you but they continue," Hideo mutters. I look at his twin and the man looks away from me.

"Who is breaching the walls?" I ask in concern. They look at each other before turning to Vito. My godfather hasn't understood a word that any of them have ever said and sit patiently. When he sees the men looking at him, he turns to me with a small smile. He's so stupid with some things—like the gang's affair or the rules of a drug deal or the making of treaties—but he can somehow understand the emotional parts of a human in extraordinary ways.

"_What did they say?"_ he asks me in a soft voice. The smile can't help but falter a bit on his sunny expression. I lick my lips and feel them burn.

"_They said someone has been getting into the compound. They won't tell me who though,"_ I reply. Vito gives a noise of realization and nods his head several times. I wait for his lips to open and give me an answer but they remain in that stupid smile. _"Vito tell me who is getting in."_

Just as I gain a glare on my face, there is a noise outside the house. There are shouts and I can hear the yells that come with the men on wall duty having some kind of squabble. The twins turn white as ghosts and I stand swiftly before anyone could tell me some lie. I hate them in the heat of the moment for not telling me things. No one stops me as I walk towards the front door and I merely have them all trailing behind me like ghosts of my past.

"Susan," Kou calls as we exit the door.

I don't stop for the boy to say anything else and instead head to the side of the house where the noise is resonating. The rose garden comes into view and I find my men gathered in a circle as they restrain someone, giving the curled up ball a few hard kicks. When one catches sight of me in a too large t-shirt and spandex shorts, the group silences and they pick up the body from the floor.

I watch as the men move to give me a good view of who they have and I find the last face I would want to see. Though under the bruising and the blood flowing from a cut on their eyebrow, they hardly seem like the face that I knew not so long ago. Blood runs over Ritsu's swollen black eye and I have to catch myself as I start walking faster to him. A blinding fury rushes over me as I clench my hands into fists.

"Leave us alone," I say to my men. The twenty killers stiffen and they look at one another. The anger boils over and I feel my mask drop as I release the protective snarl. "That was a fucking order. I will not hesitate to give out punishments."

The men immediately drop Ritsu to the ground as they disperse. The only one who remains right behind me is Vito. I can feel the man watch me as I breathe heavily. My body can't manage anything but just staying at a distance to watch the boy on the floor. Ritsu attempts to stand but only manages in kneeling while he gazes at me.

"_They didn't want to tell you. He's been doing it every day since then,"_ Vito tells me as he gently pushes me to the boy. I whip around with a glare before I can realize that I want Vito to push me. I want to be able to go to Ritsu. I want Ritsu back. Vito gives a deep laugh as he turns around and walks off, leaving me alone with the redhead. When I turn back to Ritsu, he's wavering as he stands on shaky legs. I see he has bruises all over his body, his jeans hiding the ones that cause him to favor the left leg and his hoodie pulled up at the sleeves to reveal patches of blue. His red hair is a mess just like my black bob and I want to run my hands through the soft locks.

"What are you thinking?" Ritsu asks me before I can ask the same of him. What is he thinking? You don't just walk into someone else's syndicate without getting your ass handed to you. And he's been doing this for almost two weeks. The boy stands straighter as he crosses the distance to me. I want to run away because I know my resolve is wavering. My heart aches to see him so hurt and I feel the fear that I would have experienced if I found him harmed because of Kasanoda. Ritsu stands away from me, giving me space that he knows is necessary right now.

"I'm thinking about how stupid you really are. Then I keep trying to rationalize how you could lie to me for months," I say plainly, void of emotion. Ritsu shakes his head and blood flies onto the roses next to us.

"I should have told you but I didn't want to lose you," he tells me for a second time. I wrap my arms around my body while I try to steady my beating heart that clenches with fear. Ritsu steps toward me and I have the impulse to step back, though the need to touch him forces me to stay rooted to where I stand.

"You were selfish. You didn't trust me. Why couldn't you just trust me for once? You don't trust me," I argue softly. Ritsu steps a bit closer and I can see the blood from his cut start to clump as it dries.

"I know, I should have. I'm sorry. I made a mistake but let me fix this. Just let me have another chance," he begs. His hand reaches out to me and I slap it away. I can feel the blood pound in my head as I hold in the tears. Ritsu seems so vulnerable right now as he stands beaten before me.

I feel the need to hold him in my arms while I tell him I will kill anyone who touched him. I feel the need to kiss him until the pain disappears. I feel the need to allow myself be surrendered to him as he protects me. I feel the love that I still hold for him even though it scares me even more to love him than before, because loving him means that I will kill my own men.

"We can't be together. I'm scared, I'm just so damn scared Ritsu," I confess with a quivering lip. Ritsu reaches out to me but allows me to choose if I want to run into his open arms or not. My body shakes as I choke on my own emotions. And just like that, I give in and allow myself to be comforted by the very person I should have walked away from.

Ritsu presses me into him as if he could swallow me up in his broken body. He's warm and his body is harder than I remember as I realize he has bandages wrapped around his chest and torso. I put my arms around him gently as the boy breathes deeply as he buries his face in my hair. I know he's getting blood in my hair but I don't care right now. All I want to feel is Ritsu. All I want to do is believe that we could stay like this forever.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeats as he kisses the side of my head over and over and over. I cry into his blood stained hoodie and feel my legs tremble because this is all too tiring. Ritsu holds me up with steady arms though and I feel him kiss the top of my head as he crushes me to him. I don't even realize I'm telling him I love him until my jaw trembles with pain. Ritsu makes reassuring noises and I want to calm down but can't seem to find the power as my world crumbles around me.

"I hate you for not telling me," I scream all of a sudden, a rush of emotions escaping the magic bottle I had it locked away in. I push the boy away from me and his arms disappear as I bang his chest with fists. "I hate you for not trusting me. Why couldn't you trust me? Why do you have to be the heir to Kasanoda?"

"Susan," Ritsu whimpers as I pound harder on his bruised chest. I don't care for a moment if the pain is coursing through his body, I have to get my anger out. I have to tell him this if I am going to ever move on.

"You're so stupid. You betrayed me! You lied to me when I never lied to you. I never lied to you. You're so stupid and I love you but I wish that I hate you," I yell at him. Ritsu grabs my wrists as I cry angry tears. The boy inhales deeply as he tries to regain his body from the pain. I attempt to free myself from him but I'm too weak. Ritsu nods as I scream at him incoherently, patient look in his light brown eyes.

"I know. Get it all out babe," he coos and I scream at him barbarically with his treatment of me. I pull against him to get him to release my hands but he only intertwines our fingers. My body is hot as I fight with all my might.

"I hate you. I hate you so much. You're such a fucking asshole and I hate you and your stupid father and your stupid gang. I hate you, you lying bastard," I swear, the last bits of anger being the most bitter. Ritsu doesn't say anything as he just lets me roar at him in frustration and pain. My voice grows ragged from the shrieks and I bite my lip to get me to stop. The boy waits until the only sounds you hear in the garden are those of my haggard breaths and his steady breathing.

"Everything you said is right and I know that I can't go back and fix everything but I promise that I won't ever do anything like this again. I will never hurt you again," the boy promises loudly. I look at him and want to say that I will take him back. I want to do so many things but that doesn't mean that I can actually do it.

"We'll start a war," I hiss and Ritsu nods his head.

"We'll find a way to stop it before it begins."

"We're from separate gangs."

"We'll both be lords. We can find a way to merge them or make a treaty."

"I won't let you have my men."

"And I won't take them away, ever, I promise."

Ritsu holds my hands and his fingers begin to play with his ring. He grabs my left hand in his and brings it closer to him. He grabs the ring on my swollen fingers and slips it off with one tug. He holds it before my eyes as if to show me that he's taking it back but also presenting it to me once again. Then he grabs my right hand and slips it on the opposite hand, as if to say we're starting anew. His hands are tinged with blood as he slides the ring onto the finger that proclaims one's love to the world.

"I don't know," I break as I take my hand back.

I don't remove the ring as Ritsu swallows hard. The boy raises his hand to my cheek and the warmth of his rough fingertips feels like home. I can feel my eyes are dry because I've cried so much. Ritsu smiles even through his bruised face and I can't bear to see him like this anymore. So I take his hand off my cheek, intertwine our fingers with my newly placed ring, and lead him into the house and to my room. When we pass my men, they don't look at me but instead avoid my gaze, knowing that they are no better than Ritsu. I will forgive them in the end but I have to yell at them first.

Placing Ritsu on my bed, I move to the closet and bring out my first aid kit. The room is silent as I clean the blood from Ritsu's face to find even more bruising under the streaks of red. He looks like he got into fights every night that he was here. God how I wish I didn't retreat into myself for as long as I did. I should have been there to protect him. I should have prevented everyone's wounds.

"Susan, can I tell you something?" Ritsu asks as I take out a needle and surgical thread to close the deep cut above his eyebrow. I place alcohol on the open would, the boy immediately hissing at the searing pain.

"Is it something stupid?" I murmur as a yawn starts its way into the sentence.

"You might think it is," he replies with a teasing tone that causes me to crack a smile. He shouldn't make me this happy. I shouldn't be this happy. I can't be this happy because of the enemy.

"Well it won't be the first stupid thing you would have told me," I tease back as I swiftly start sewing the boy up. Ritsu's hand goes out to my hip and he squeezes into me as he clenches his eyes. His long fingers curl around my body and I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. Instead I focus on the thread going through flesh.

"Before that day at the club, you know, the nightclub," he grits out. I push his hair back a bit to keep it from the wound as his other hand goes around my waist. My flesh heats up with his familiar touch and I try to ignore the warmth pooling in my stomach.

"I know the night," I reply as I begin to knot the end. Ritsu pulls me a bit towards him as the pain lingers harshly.

"At first I didn't want to believe you were boss of Dojin-kai. I told myself you weren't but I had to make sure," he grunts out, opening his eyes. He looks up into my face as I snip the excess thread and run my fingertips along my handiwork. The boy pulls me closer and I know everything I ever thought about my love being forever was true.

"You seem like the type to be in denial," I reply with a gruff tone. Ritsu smiles and I can see how handsome he still is even with his wounds. My heart skips a beat as I feel my lips tilt up and a yawn escape me.

"Yah and I was so angry that you were the boss when you told me. I felt hopeless, like you would never love me because of who I was or because of my face, and then you asked me if I was scared of you."

"And you said you could never be scared of me."

"Yah," he grins like a love-struck fool and I know we're falling back into old habits. Everything about this is wrong. He shouldn't be here and I shouldn't love him anymore, but things don't work like that. Love doesn't work like that. "And I knew then, that I would love you forever. I knew that no matter what, we would still be together in the end."

"And you really believe that still?" I ask as I pull away. My cheeks turn red as I turn away to put the stuff back into the box. Ritsu stands as he catches me yawn again. He puts his hands on my hips as he stands behind me, our reflection showing in the mirror. I look into his eyes through the glass in front of me and he smiles to his beautiful orbs. His arms curl around me and he places his cheek against mine as he leans down.

"I believe we'll always be together, even if we shouldn't. Just let me help you fix the mess I made. Let me stay by your side forever," he whispers into my ear. I can feel his hot breath as my neck gets goosebumps. I push my cheek into his lips, him pushing them in to leave kisses along my face.

Our reflection paints a majestic picture.

The girl who looks so tired, heartbreak consuming her completely, offers her neck to the boy who killed her emotionally. She trusts him still. You can see it in her eyes, how she is deliberating letting him go when all she is really doing is giving herself reasons to allow him to hold her.

And the boy holds her close, arms wrapping around her possessively as he pulls her into his chest. His face is blackened with the ultimate sin—betrayal—though the red is gone and there stands a mend to the trust he tore in the girl's heart on his own eyebrow.

They won't be letting go of each other again, because neither of them will make the same mistake again. The girl will not allow him to be hurt like he has been because of her own weaknesses. The boy will not allow himself to hurt the girl like she has been because he was scared.

"We should take a nap. I'm tired," Susan whispers as she pulls away slowly. Ritsu grabs her hand quickly and follows her under the covers. They sleep like usual, with Ritsu holding onto Susan from behind with all the happiness in the world. Susan allows herself to hold the boy back as he protects her, silently telling him that she won't be letting go of him.

"Susan."

"What Ritsu?"

"Do you think we can do it? You know, be like we were," Ritsu asks softly, the fear creeping into his voice. Susan can't stand the falter with his words and knows that he has to tell her these things if they are to move on.

"I think we'll be better. Just no more lies. You can't lie to me anymore."

"I promise I will never lie to you ever again."

And just like that, they fell asleep, while Susan couldn't help but wonder if she was weak for taking Ritsu back so easily. She settled on the fact that she would rather die than live without him. She was only trying to survive.

* * *

**Sorry for not updating sooner. I just, my life has been rough for the past month but I'm getting better. For a while, I just didn't want to do anything. So I'm really sorry for the absence. I hope you guys like the chapter. I'm not going to immediately make Susan and Ritsu like they were. They're going to have to work to get back what they had. The only reason why they were like this was because they were both so tired and they needed each other. When they both get stronger, they're going to have problems. I really hope you like it. Please comment to tell me how you're enjoying the story, if my writing sucks, if you hate my guts completely. **

**Thank you to everyone who has gotten this far. Comment if you have time. And as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys)**


	33. Make-Up Sex

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Make-Up Sex**

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"**it was very important business. Negotiations for a cease-fire between warring parties."**

**David rolled his eyes. "You could just say makeup sex."**

― **Dianne Sylvan, _Of Shadow Born_**

"**In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again."**

― **Neil Gaiman, **_**Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders**_

"**If love is a battlefield, makeup sex is the best part of the ceasefire."**

― **Jillian Stone, **_**The Do It List**_

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_"What do you want to do?"_ Vito asks me as I sit at the head of the table. It feels like I've been in this situation before. It feels like there might have been a time where I sat at the head of the table while consulting my closest advisors. The only thing now is that I have to see how to avoid a war instead of starting one.

"I don't want to start a war. We won't be able to handle it. How are we going to avoid all-out war?" I ask exasperatedly.

I rub my eyes with my kimono sleeve for what feels like the millionth time today. It has been four days since Ritsu and I spoke but I have shut him out for the most part—apart from the plethora of voicemails and unanswered texts. I can't handle having him beg me to talk to him. I can't handle it. I can't handle wondering what I should do and at the same time, looking at the boy and seeing his betrayal. I still have yet to truly forgive him and I feel this sick feeling each time I think about the word 'Onoda'.

_"You should do what I tell you first,"_ Vito says quickly, interrupting my Japanese.

_"I am not going to do it,"_ I argue with the man. My gang looks at me curiously as they listen in English. The can't speak well in English but they understand me.

"_You have to go to the other Don,_" Vito scolds me, as if I'm not the one who has been boss for years. I have been boss for twice as long as Vito and here he is giving me the correct answer. I should talk to Kasanoda. I have to see what he suggests because at this moment, we're going to go into war together. Maybe he isn't going to allow Ritsu to stay in the gang and start the war to stay with me.

"You know it isn't a bad idea. Getting the opinion of someone who has been-"

I give Hana a dirty look and the woman shuts her mouth, my anger at my gangs still brimming below the surface of my countenance. I know it's what I should do. I know that Kasanoda could help us. I know that I don't have to fix this all by myself. I know this but I know that isn't what I'm going to do, at least for right now. For right now, I am going to avoid my boyfriend at all costs even though I know this is detrimental to our relationship and I am going to shut myself in with a bunch of annoyed gangsters who know I'm letting my life go down the drain.

"I don't want to," I mumble. The minute I go to Kasanoda is the minute I admit that I need help to run my own gang and to fix my own problems. Even if those problems were caused by Ritsu's stupidity, he's still my boyfriend and my problem. God, I sometimes wish that I could hate Ritsu but the fact is that I can't. He's still one of the best things that has happened to me. I will still protect the damn boy from here to the bottom of hell because I just so happen to love him unconditionally.

"Susan, the host club is at the gates," Fu tells me as he looks at his phone. I give the man an exasperated expression as I try to decide if I want my men to let the hookers in. God I can't deal with them right now. But a decision isn't made because as I open my mouth to give one, the host club is bursting through the front door. They argue with each other before they meet my eyes, under which circumstances they run straight into me.

"Su-chan! Why don't you answer your phone?" Honey moans as he grabs my waist. I hold the boy against me even if his touch fuels my nerves. Then the boy stops his squeezing and looks up with a confused expression. "You're thinner."

"Honey-senpai, that's not very nice," Haruhi chides but her face examines mine with concern. The whole lot of them actually stands with suspicion as I waver gently.

"I got a little sick. Nothing to worry about," I reassure them as my blood rushes to my cheeks. The beat of my heart pounds within my ears and Honey lets go of me. He looks to his cousin and surprisingly Kyoya is the one who comes closer to me, his face a blank mask.

"How did you get sick?" he asks sharply, his voice hoarse with a mix of anger and fear.

"It's nothing Kyoya," I lie and the boy comes closer to me. My entire gang jolts from their chairs as the boy stands so close I can feel his breath on my nose. His dark eyes flick back and forth as he takes in my hollower cheeks and the bags under my eyes. His hand goes out while his fingers brush my bangs back. I merely try to calm my beating heart as Kyoya takes a deep breath.

"We were going to go out but you look tired. Do you want us to stay?" he whispers and I can feel my face turn hot as the boy grabs my right hand.

I don't pull away from him because I like the feeling of his cool touch. For a moment I want to smile due to the butterflies in my stomach but I look more closely at the hope in his eyes. What am I doing? I'm leading him on. I can't be doing this. My mind screams to rip my hand back when all I want to do is hold onto Kyoya and cry. And when I'm ripping my hand back, the worst possible thing that could happen, does happen to me.

"Susan, hey I know you don't want to talk to me—"

A voice trails off and I recognize it. Immediately I know I should let go fully because Ritsu is going to get the wrong idea, my hand half in Kyoya's hand and halted by surprise but don't make the actual decision because Ritsu is pulling Kyoya back from my hold, the cool hand gone somehow too soon but not soon enough. I want to just have a moment. I haven't prepared for this at all and I just want to close my eyes and have everyone disappear.

And I'm closing them when my eyes finally catch sight of Ritsu's half bruised enraged face. For a moment I want to be scared because his look is one of death, yet I watch the boy glance at me, the hurt in his eyes, me knowing I'm the one who caused this, and I go into some animalistic need to soothe him. Mori has grabbed Kyoya back from my redhead as Kou grabs the offender. Ritsu's eyes go back to Kyoya and the glare pierces the room like a lightning bolt, oh so deadly and something caused by the gods.

"Ritsu," I hiss the name like there is a bad taste on my tongue. The redhead lunges at Kyoya and I'm soon between the two of them. Ritsu's hand is pushing my shoulder to get through me but Kou pulls it back before I watch him raise a hand to gut punch my boyfriend. My blood runs fast through my body and it feels like I'm catching the fist in lightning speed, my breath rising and falling with a ferocity that is unyielding like thunder.

"Susan," Kyoya says my name like it's an ode of joy and I clench my teeth harder. I flick my eyes over my shoulder to see the brunette looking at us with wide eyes, his pupils larger than I've seen them because of the fear. The look on my face must not be welcoming because Kyoya shies away from me and I turn back to Ritsu who is now staring at me from the inches were are separated by. The light brown eyes want to intimidate me into letting him do what he wants but the boy knows better than that.

"Why is he here?" Ritsu settles with as I finally release Kou's fist from my clenched hand. My gang and the host club have stiffened with the tone of jealousy, the murderous intent seeping in through every pore in our bodies. I drink in the hate and give Ritsu a hard look. I will not yield to him.

"Why are you here?" I bite off and know that I shouldn't have said the words.

Ritsu's face contorts into what it would have been if Kou had actually been able to punch him. The hard scowl falters and the helplessness peeks through as Ritsu stands straighter, back having been curled to bend closer to protect me. My throat chokes as I feel my heartbeat stutter with uncertainty. I open my mouth to tell Ritsu something true—that the host club just showed up, that Kyoya and I weren't doing anything, that I would never do something to hurt him, that I love him—but the shithead doesn't let me do anything because he decides to storm off, wide steps stomping through the house, and slamming the front door behind his glamorous exit.

"Susan-sama, what do you want us to do?" Aiko asks in the heartbeat after the pounding ring of Ritsu's exit. I breathe in deeply while the tremor of anger passes but leaves my body cold. I can't let him go. I can't leave him like this.

"Stay here," I command strongly despite my trembling hands. I force my legs to move under my black kimono, the outfit somehow foreshadowing some terrible times to come. I open the portal to the outside world and find that Ritsu has made it halfway down the path. Taking a deep breath, my legs start the longer strides to him and I raise my voice over the boy's angry breaths. "Ritsu, stop. Come here so I can talk to you. Stop, please."

"So you can do what?" Ritsu breaks, his back to me and his hands clenched into fists.

He looks like he's broken. His mind is probably jumping to a million things that couldn't be more wrong. My bare feet slow as I am five feet away from the boy. I watch as he shakes so hard and know that he's holding in so many emotions. He isn't the kind of person that can. I'm that person. He's the person who wears his heart on his sleeve and his reactions on his face for the world to see. He's the part of me that is honest and I'm the part of him that's strong enough to hide everything.

"So I can talk to you," I reply, trying to avoid the word explain. There's nothing to explain right now because I don't know what he's going to say. Ritsu sways a bit before he takes a step, my own foot mimicking his movement. I don't want him to walk away from me. I don't want to leave him like this.

"You haven't wanted to talk for days. Why don't you answer your phone? I was worried you were sick again," he replies and the voice is small, scared, something filled with inhuman agony. I walk closer to him and put my hand lightly on his shoulder, the tense muscles immediately relaxing with my touch. My own chest grows warm with the reminder that he likes the small show of affection. We haven't had much of this since I left and he yearns for it just like how the skip in my heart yearns to see his smile.

"I'm sorry. I should have answered. It's just hard," I whisper, trying to keep my voice even. Ritsu leans back towards me as he turns around. His arms immediately are around me and I hold him back so I can just feel his warmth. The boy is warm but my body gets warmer as he kisses my temple like he so often does. It's my favorite thing he does when he hugs me, a reminder that he doesn't want to let me go because he loves me.

"You have to answer. I was just really worried," he tells me after an exasperated sigh. I squeeze him back before I let go of him, the words that he spoke finally hitting me like a command. I step back for a second and he looks down at me with a frown. "You can't not answer."

"I said I was sorry. I just, I don't want to argue," I say simplistically but the tone of my voice is itching for a fight. Ritsu takes the words in stride, face becoming angry. There went that hurt we had a moment ago because now he thinks I'm being hard-headed.

"Why are they here? They can come but you won't even return my texts?"

"They just showed up."

"That doesn't explain you not answering."

"I don't have to text you back. I don't have to do anything anyone tells me to do. I want some space and some time."

"I'm worried Susan. I know you might not care but I need to know that you aren't sick. I'll give you all the space in the world if I know that you aren't fucking dying."

"Ritsu," I hiss, our voices rising over the courtyard and men in the gang escaping while they can. The boy is puffing his chest out as his arms are crossed over his chest, as if this isn't an arguable point. My blood boils with the thought of him telling me what to do like this and I can't hold back. "I need time because I need to learn to trust you again. So I'm sorry if your feelings are getting hurt because I'm trying to fix everything that is a mess because you didn't tell me the truth when you had the chance!"

"I've apologized about that. Don't try to say you aren't doing this to get back at me," he yells in return, nostrils flaring.

"Doing what to get back at you?" I scream and Ritsu's arm juts out as he points toward the house. Oh, the host club. He thinks I'm using Kyoya to get back at him. "I'm not that petty. If you think I would do something like get a boy to make you jealous, then I don't know who you think I am. You're the one who fucked up and I'm just trying to move on."

"Without me? You're moving on without me. I'm supposed to be there for you, not him."

"And he wouldn't need to be here if you weren't the one who lied to me for months," I wave my hands erratically as Ritsu comes closer to me. I can see the stitches still above his eyebrow and the vision of him bleeding and bruised makes my gut twist. Then Ritsu's brows dip farther down in anger and I know he's going to say something stupid. He opens his mouth and I prepare myself for the worst.

"I don't want you to see him," he booms and I bite my lip. Ritsu takes this as an affirmative to go on with his orders than a way to hold myself back from cursing the boy out right here and now. "I don't want him touching you and I don't want him around the syndicate. He is no good and he's lied to you too, I'm sure of it."

My breath hitches for a moment and I close my eyes as I process Ritsu's angry words. Of course Kyoya has lied to me. I know he's just here to get information and I know that I shouldn't see him. Kyoya isn't the person that I should be leaning on for support but I'm too stubborn to admit that I want Ritsu to be here. I'm too stubborn to let go of the fact that Ritsu wanted to stay with me as long as possible, that's why he lied. Ritsu thinks he's always doing the right thing but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that he can't tell me what to do and that he can't lie to me.

"You can't just order me around. You just think you're doing the right thing and that you can tell me to do things before you've even discussed it with me. You're like a child. You can't just decide what is best for me. I'm not a toy; I'm not a possession. I'm your girlfriend and I love you, but you can't keep doing this," I whisper with my eyes still closed.

I can't take seeing the expression. I can't do this. I knew I couldn't talk to him when he's like this. I knew we would just argue and I'm not ready. Can't I just not be ready? As stupid and as moody as I am, can I just drag myself from the darkness before I have to pull him through the light with me? I just want to sleep and not have nightmares. I just want to not think about any of this. I want to be how we were.

"Then have your space," Ritsu says curtly and then I hear his steps walk away. My heart shatters as the pain enters my chest, sharp and blinding and consuming. He's really leaving. It's what I wanted but I don't really know if I wanted this. I don't know what I want. Please, come back because I don't know what I want.

I open my eyes too late and the boy is gone just like how I wanted. It's what I wanted but now the tears run down my cheeks and no air enters my lungs as I take shuddering draws of oxygen into my lungs. My lip trembles and I put my hand to my mouth to keep myself from falling apart completely. I can't do this right now. I have guests and I can't do this right now. My hand goes higher than my shaking lips and wipe at my eyes as I turn back around.

"Su-chan, are you alright?" Honey calls out to me from the front door. I wipe harder at the evidence of my fight as the boy runs to me. I catch him and hold him tight because I need to feel someone right now. I need to hold him. The third year tenderly holds me back and I breath him in, the familiar scent of his designer body wash filling nose with smells of lavender and sage.

"I'll be fine. Let's see what we can do," I tell him as Haruhi runs to me. Her brown eyes seem to pity me but I give a small smile, grateful that she's even here. Her pink dress sways with the motion of her tilting her head and giving me a bright smile.

"Senpai, they say you have a piano," Haruhi tells me and I nod as we begin the trek back to the house. She wants to get me to forget everything that just happened. She knows I need them and she's going to help me through this. The younger girl has a bounce to her step and I squeeze the boy in my arms lightly as Honey begins to smooth my hair down. Haruhi goes on with the conversation and I suck in my nose. "Can we hear you play? If you don't want to, Tamaki knows how to play."

"Yah that's fine," I reply as we enter the house. The rest of the host club is perched at the window in the dining room and I cough to let them know we've entered. They all blanch at getting caught red-handed watching my lover's quarrel. I smile at them and their designer jeans with sweater vests and designer hoodies—Tamaki, Kyoya and Honey in sweater vests and Mori and the twins in hoodies. Motioning my head towards the hall, I lead the way to the studio, my own gang members in formal clothing following behind them silently.

When we get to the room, Hana immediately makes eye contact with me as she gauges my emotions. I give her a fake smile as I mask everything under my gangster mode and my oddly satisfying need to be with the host club. I can feel my stomach turn with the thought of playing in front of them but I am not nervous with them anymore. I'm too emotionally tired to really feel it.

"You play piano Susan?" the Hitachiin twins ask me as I place Honey on the ground. Tamaki is already going towards the piano and I watch as he sits gently on the bench. The twins nervously sway as I give a small smile and nod ever so gently, looking back at the piano in desire. The black Yamaha glistens as the sunny summer rays flow in through the glass doors.

The studio is one of those rooms which looks out onto the rose garden, memorial stone shining just like the piano. Personally I love this room and I lean against one of the crème walls as Tamaki's hands go to the ivory keys. For a moment I want to look over and see Ritsu standing next to me, violin in his hands, patiently waiting for our turn. My chest compresses within itself as I wish for the boy to nervously look at me and whisper in my ear that we'll be fine even though I should be saying the same to him.

"Susan-sama," Hana interrupts my thoughts and I quickly wipe my eyes from tears misting my blank mask. The small woman reaches out to me, grabbing my hand in hers, something that hasn't been done in a while. Hana and Haru would have known immediately who Ritsu was and I hold them doubly accountable for their lie. The woman has tried to get me to see her for how sorry she is but I have refused to have her with me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as Tamaki begins to play. Hana barely catches the words but I know she does because she brings my hand to her lips, kissing it and then bowing to me gently. I have to stop holding these grudges. I need my gang. I need Kou and Fu. I need them all. As my lungs burn with the exertion of me keeping in the tears, I know that I need Ritsu. But he just walked away because I told him he should and I regret the decision.

Tamaki begins to play, a piece that is slow and is strong, everything that I am not. My gang stands against the wall as the host club gathers around the piano, staring with smiles at their counterpart. It feels like I'm not anywhere involved in their emotions but I am just a part of them as that piano under the blonde's fingertips.

"Susan can you play for us?" Kou asks me as he inches closer. The boy has his arm in a cast but the bruising has disappeared completely. His tongue now only remains with the pink of new flesh down the length where it has healed and he has gained a sort of lisp with certain words.

I look at the boy as his eyes are as big as saucers, the excitement of hearing me play since I got sick running rampant behind the orbs. He knows that I don't necessarily want to play in front of everyone but he also knows that he has to make me forget about what happened with Ritsu. The gang is trying their best to have me be my best and I keep pushing them away. The small voice in the back of my head tells me to stop this self-pity and to let them back in despite the pain.

"Maybe for a bit," I whisper back to Kou as he hugs my waist from the side. The boy places his head on my shoulder as he gazes to the pianist. Tamaki is moving his fingers rapidly as he transitions to a new piece, body rocking back in forth. He feels the music. It runs through him like a steady stream, like some kind of life giving substance.

"Are you okay?" Kou whispers in my ear. Kyoya is on his other side, no doubt listening to what my answer will be. I bite my lip as the newly etched memory of Ritsu's saddened eyes flashes before my eyes, the phantom of the boy in front of me. I wipe my eyes as the specter disappears.

"You know me," I reply with a false smile. Kou can see the lie I'm feeding him but he holds me closer. The smile turns genuine with his silence and the kiss he gives on my cheek. I lean into the boy a bit before I start crying with the thought Ritsu won't come back to me. Maybe I really did chase the boy away.

"Susan can you play?" comes a happy voice and in my sadness Tamaki has stopped playing. The blonde motions me over to the piano and step forward. The boy stands and pulls me by the arm to sit on the bench. He sits me down by pushing my shoulders and then stands right behind me.

"What do you want me to play?" I ask softly as my hand touches an ebony key.

Tamaki goes to the pile of books next to the leg of the piano. He pulls out Tchaikovsky and opens the book. He gives it to me with the theme from the finale in the second act. On the opposite page is a piece Ritsu and I was looking at some time ago. That piece has a part for both piano and flute and we were going to play it for the kids next week when we went back to school.

"Do you think you can do this?"

I nod to the blonde boy and he stands in place to flip the pages for me. Swallowing hard, I place the book on its resting place, the spine so worn from when Ritsu stood next to me and practiced. My heart beats rapidly and I feel almost lightheaded as my lip trembles. Ritsu should be here. He should be here to play with me and then say I did well and stop me when I've had enough. Instead I chased him away from me and now he no doubt hates me.

"You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable," a voice interrupts my thoughts. I look back to see Kyoya unsure of what to do. But I make a small smile as my hands find themselves on the keys, turning my eyes back to the notes on the page.

I breathe in deeply and the air comes into shuddering lungs. It has been years since I performed, years since I anyone my age has heard me play besides Kou and Ritsu. But these people are my friends and I can let them in. I can let them hear me play at least something. Staring at the notes they begin to shake and the oxygen stops completely while I choke. Don't cry. The tears are threatening to fold over and I shake as grip the wood of the bench below.

"Susan you don't have to play," Haruhi says suddenly as she stands me up. Tamaki pulls me away from the piano with her before my panic attack can actual start. They hand me off to Kou and I attempt to keep what little composure that I possess. Tamaki makes eye contact with me, frightened crystal blue eyes wondering what he can do. I gulp the air for dear life and Kou holds me closer, pulling my face into his chest.

"Play something soothing if you could," Kou whispers to Tamaki and I hear the movements of someone going to the piano. Music fills the air a moment later and I breathe in Kou's familiar scent. The boy transfers me to someone and I can smell the expensive cologne that must be Kyoya. The brunette smooths my hair down and my heart begins to even out. Focusing on the music helps and soon enough, we're back to how we were minutes before I tried to do something that I shouldn't have attempted.

"You tried and that's enough for us. You're enough for us," the boy murmurs softly into my ear. Kyoya presses his cool lips against my ear and I just bury my head deeper into his sweater. My gang around me comes closer and I can feel the longer nails of Hana on my head, brushing my hair down.

Then the music turns into something a little less soothing and more elaborate. Tamaki is playing a waltz and I step away from Kyoya, my eyes cloudy from what tears have crowded my eyes. The blonde is smiling at Haruhi who stand next to the piano, watching his hands in wonder. Their backs are to me but I can see that they fit so well together. There is something about the way Tamaki looks at Haruhi like she's the most interesting thing in the room, needing your full of attention to catch every miraculous detail; there is also the fact that Haruhi leans towards the boy unconsciously, as if she wants to be closer to him and hasn't discovered the need yet.

Just when I think I'm going to comment on the fact that Tamaki is playing the wrong chord due to Haruhi's doe eyes, Kyoya slips his hand in mine. He rounds his way into my vision and then smiles a soft smile I have never seen before. I return the smile only because it comes naturally, my face warming under his gaze. Then the boy does something I didn't expect, he holds me in his arms and starts to make us sway.

"Seriously?" I ask jokingly as my heart starts to beat hard, uncomfortably so even. Kyoya only gives a short laugh and puts his right hand on my waist.

"Absolutely," he replies as he pulls me to start us dancing.

I bite my lip and go with him, following the movements with a slow pace. Soon enough Hana has dragged Aiko out and Honey is grabbing Haruhi to dance with him. Tamaki makes a flourish as he holds a long note, proud that he can make us dance with so little encouragement. Hideo looks at Haru and the smaller twin blushes while the German clears his throat awkwardly. Kyoya spins me as Kou forces the two males into the middle of the room.

* * *

And just like that we start what we did the rest of the day. We danced to our heart's content, myself with my gang and the other members of the host club. Kou brought out dance music from the top 40 and we continued with that until we all tired our legs. Then we somehow found ourselves in the large game room, watching old reruns of bad daytime dramas. The moon rose and my heart which had sank to the bottom of the ocean made of despair floated to the surface with my friends' help. For once I was grateful that I had broken my rules and made friends, because I couldn't have asked for better ones than these people.

The host club was kicked out by Fu a little before midnight. I knew it was mainly because I was getting tired but it was also because Fu wanted to clean the house after they left. So, my gang left me alone as they attended to their duties at an unreasonable time, sitting atop my piano as I watched the moon. The glass door let in all the moon beams I could have ever wanted and I smiled as the clouds formed shadows on my floor.

My mind had an idea of its own to think about Ritsu but there was something that was missing. I got all of my ducks in a row as I formed a battle plan to trust my boyfriend once again. He lied to protect me and he has said that he won't do it again. The problem with that is that he tries to protect me without asking me in the first place.

It didn't help that I avoided him and was stubborn this entire week. I know it was childish to shut him out and I have to work with him if we're going to get over this hurdle. But that doesn't mean that I'm still not disappointed with the fact he's not listening to what I'm saying. Though the reason he might not be listening is because he's still scared. He's scared of losing me, that's why he lied in the first place.

I just wish I hadn't shut him out and forced him to leave. Well, I didn't force him to do anything but I told him that I wanted space. I wanted space and now I want him. My hand refuses to pick up the phone and dial his number all because of pride and I feel like I'm destroying my relationship with a hardship. With a single knot in the string, I'm already tossing it out while muttering angrily how it had a knot to begin with. I have to stop thinking about what Ritsu did and start accepting that the string will have a knot and the knot will become less and less pronounced as time goes on.

My thoughts swirled around my head like a clogged kitchen sink, not really all that productive without help, when the door behind me opened. At first I thought it was one of my men but I could tell by the long silence that it wasn't. The person at the other side of the room was waiting for me to acknowledge them, hoping that I would end the silence.

Though I don't have to end anything because the person comes around and enters the light flowing in, enlightening red hair and a sad face. Ritsu stands awkwardly as he maintains his distance, a good ten feet between us as I watch him from my perch. The boy opens his mouth and then closes it again as he stares at me with pleading eyes. My body swallows the liquid caught in my throat at seeing him here while I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"I couldn't play in front of them," I tell him. Ritsu gives me a confused look and I give a sad smile, disappointed with myself. "I couldn't play because the first piece they pulled out was the Swan Lake one and I thought of you."

"I, well," Ritsu stumbles as he puts his hands into his jean pockets. My words hang in the air and it's a pitiful absence of reassurance. Ritsu looks at me and his voice is small. "I went home and I thought I could let you have space but when I saw the moon, I knew I couldn't let you go to bed angry at me."

"You have that excuse a lot. Are you really that afraid I would kill you in your sleep?" I ask in a half humorous tone. The redhead before me smiles a bit before he looks down in shame, happy that I'm making the steps to be like we were.

"No, it's just something I tell myself so that I have the courage to try not to hurt you again, because I really don't want to hurt you Susan," he replies softly. His face is shaded as the shadow of a cloud begins to pass over his body. He still has bruises and I know he's still bandaged. He's broken but that doesn't mean that I have to fix him. I have no obligation to fix anyone but I want to fix him. I love him so I want him to get better. I want him to be with me and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. I want him to know that I will always forgive him.

"Do you know why you hurt me? I know you see that I'm angry but do you know why?" I ask him, trying to see if he sees what he's done or if he's just trying to fix something he has no clue how to fix.

"I lied to you and broke your trust. Then I knew you needed some space but I started telling you what to do without asking you what you wanted. I don't ask you what you want; I only impose what I want on you and I can't do that anymore," Ritsu whispers. The shadow passes over him, the moonlight cover his face and illuminates his features. He's handsome as ever and it makes my breath catch. Butterflies enter my stomach and I crave for the boy to come closer, so I can touch him and let him know we'll be okay.

"I messed up too," I reply and Ritsu's head bounces up to argue but I give him a stern look. He knows it's time for him to listen and he clenches his jaw. "I should tell you what I'm feeling. I'm trying to go back into my routine of bottling everything up and I can't do that because then I hurt you."

"You know you can tell me anything," Ritsu says swiftly, crossing the distance to me. I smile at him as relief that I haven't felt in days passes over me. The boy stands at my legs as he grabs both my hands in his. "I won't ever be mad to hear what you're feeling even if it's about me. I want you to tell me when I make you happy or sad or angry. I don't want you to do everything on your own."

"I'll tell you from now on," I promise him and he brings my hand up to kiss it. The ring sits on my finger and Ritsu places a kiss on the finger wearing it. He smiles back up at me as I discern a blush in his beaten cheeks. Placing my hand to cup his cheek, I run my finger along the stitches I made days before. "I want you to fight the world with me, not protect me anymore okay. I want you to be by my side and not out in front by yourself."

"I'll try. It might take some time to break that habit, but I'll really try," he says strongly. I nod my head and feel the band around my lungs because of anxiety cease for the first time since I got back.

The boy comes closer, his chest hitting my knees and I lean down a bit. Ritsu's face is an expression of innocent confusion, lips beautifully parted as his eyes are widely searching for an answer. My heart pounds faster as heat forms in my stomach. I can feel the boy's heart rush faster as I place a hand on his chest to pull him closer. For the first time in weeks, I can feel the desire that I have for the boy fill me with full force.

"Will you try something with me?" I ask him as I rake a hand through his hair. Ritsu gulps as I blush brightly with my choice of words. The redhead nods furiously, his red face making me blush and smile even more.

I gently lean down and place my lips against his which have resumed their rough nature. Although I'm somehow more satisfied with the natural feel of them than when they're soft. Ritsu slowly places his hands on my waist as he pulls me a little more off the piano, his lips gaining momentum. I teeter on the edge of the Baldwin as Ritsu parts my mouth hungrily, needing to feel like how we were. I feel his tongue hit the front of my teeth before I almost fall off my high place, nearly biting the boy's tongue in the process.

"Here," Ritsu says as he catches me, pulling his mouth away from mine.

The boy grabs my waist harder as he brings me into him, my legs immediately going around his waist and arms going around his shoulders. I straddle him as he lowers me off the piano, surprising me as he captures my lips once again. My body is on fire as he walks us towards the door, stopping to lean me against it for a moment while he slips his tongue into my mouth once again.

The kiss deepens and as we normally have it, it gets messy but that isn't what I'm thinking about. What I'm really thinking about is how there is a needy feeling that enters my lower stomach, the pressure of my body against his creating friction. Ritsu lowers me a bit more as I feel him bite my lip in slight pain, my legs having accidentally crushed his still sore chest. The boy grabs my thighs which are around his waist. Then the hands go up and I feel them play with the edge of the kimono, his hand hitting the flesh of my knee.

"We should go to my room," I gasp before Ritsu can allow his hands to roam more. Ritsu kisses my neck and I lean my head back against the wall. He nips lightly at it before I pull his hair to get him to stop. "We are not going to do this here."

"You sure?" Ritsu grunts as he lightly bites my chin. His eyes are hooded as the boy smiles deviously. My heart beats with excitement and my skin is melting with every touch the boy gives, his newest one is his fingertips trailing along the length of my leg he holds. The boy teases me more and my concentration takes way too much attention.

"Do you want Fu to walk in on something?" I threaten and Ritsu holds me tighter in fear. I can't help but laugh at his fearful expression. The boy pouts a bit and I laugh harder as he hoists me higher, legs slipping off and he throws me over his shoulder. I am staring at his back while half of me is upside down. "This is so unnecessary."

"I like it," Ritsu teases, causing me to laugh. The boy opens the door and we enter the hall, no one there to witness our antics. We make our way to my bedroom, Ritsu throwing the door open with a flourish and nearly banging me on the doorframe. I swing my arm and give the boy a slap to his ass as he almost hits me again to close the door.

"You are so bad at this," I giggle and Ritsu locks the door behind us. He picks me up and walking quickly to the bed, falls onto it with me still in his arms. "Now you're just being bad on purpose."

"You can't prove anything," Ritsu deadpans into my side. I lay on my back while Ritsu scrambles to sit up next to me. When he does, I just look at him from below, happy that he's next to me with a smile. I sit up and Ritsu's eyes roam to my chest, the kimono revealing my sports bra underneath. Blushing to my legs, I can see that the kimono has been so mussed up that it no longer hides my thick legs or nice sized breasts.

How far do I want to go? Ritsu sits away as he waits patiently to see what I want to do. I merely swallow hard as I make the decision to not think about it until I don't feel good anymore. So with shaking hands, I slowly take my kimono off, revealing black panties and achieving a blushing mess of a boy. I move closer to the boy, grabbing the end of his shirt and removing it to leave his chest bare, bruises a greenish color painting his paler skin.

Ritsu seems to debate how he wants to position us so I decide for us, straddling him as I smile gently. The boy takes the opening as he leaves soft kisses down my jaw, working his way up to bite the lobe of my ear. My stomach tosses as I hold in moan. Ritsu moves on to suck on my collarbone, a noise coming from the hallway. My mind goes blank when Ritsu trails his hand down my spine and settles on the small of my back.

"Ritsu," I sigh the name in pleasure. The boy tenderly places his hand on my ass, trying not to scare me but in turn lighting my skin on fire with an electric caress.

"How did you get this?" Ritsu asks as he kisses a little below my collarbone. The boy's voice is husky and causes a shiver to go through me while he bites a scar. I arch my back as I sink lower into his lap, feeling something hard below me, Ritsu rubbing his jeans into me.

"That one?" I pant as Ritsu slips his hands under my underwear, coming into contact with skin which hasn't been touched this tenderly in my life. "That one is from when I took a bullet for my dad. It was a through and through, really bad shot."

Ritsu takes his hands off me and picks me up as he lays me back down. He breathes heavily as he tries to regain his control. I watch him carefully as he places his hands on his hips. This is when I take notice of the bulge hidden by his jeans. The fear hasn't shown itself and I'm only excited, the gnawing feeling mixed with heat and longing.

"How about this one?" Ritsu asks as he fingers my inner thigh. I look down as the lust turns to longing in his orbs. The boy lowers his mouth to kiss a longer scar that I got when I was five.

"That one was when I was a kid. It was a shoddy playground and piece of metal was poking out of the sliding pole," I choke out as Ritsu nips higher on the leg. He sucks as he kisses and I know he's trying to leave the bruises in places people won't see at school. Ritsu carefully places himself on the side of me rather than straight above me, catching a scar on the bone of my hip normally hidden by pants.

"This one?"

He kisses my hip and the moans which I had hidden escape as I feel the heat pool, creating moisture. Ritsu kisses my stomach with the long scar from where I was stabbed in the warehouse. My hands which were squirming above my head reach for Ritsu, the boy looking up with a smirk. I want him. I've wanted him for what feels like too long.

"The one on my hip was from a problem customer. He doesn't matter right now though," I whisper as I pull Ritsu on top of me.

The boy nods as he flips me to be on top of him. Then I sit up, hands moving to the button on the jeans, anticipation mixed with uncertainty starting to fill me. Something happens a moment before I can pull down a zipper and this comes in the form of my closet opening. Two people enter through the closet and it is the two last people I would want to see me without my clothes and on top of a boy.

"Suzanna," Vito screams in surprise. I jump off Ritsu but remain at his side as heavy steps march to us. Fu grabs the boy and tosses him off the bed as I jump up to defend him. Vito hands me a robe from my chair but I'm way too worried about Fu standing over Ritsu to put it on.

"Fu leave him alone," I order but the man picks Ritsu up, banging him against the wall. Running to them, I shield Ritsu from my gang father. Fu gives me a harsh look before he steps back.

"Can he please leave?" Fu yells and I know the situation isn't going to get any better. Ritsu sits on the floor, surprised and confused that my gang is freaking out. These men aren't just my gang though, they're men that see me as their daughter, a daughter who just so happens to be in a compromising position.

"Ritsu," I whisper as I stand. The boy stands with me, Vito throwing his shirt at his face. "I'll see you at school and I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Whatever you want," Ritsu replies as he puts on his shirt. I nod with the tense situation but the boy isn't one to let others stop us from being together. In all the boldness I could ever imagine, the boy gives me a quick peck on the lips and once more after he squeezes my hand reassuringly. "I love you."

"Love you too," I reply and Fu grunts to get us to stop. Ritsu nods to the two men and he leaves my bedroom with what must be the worst mood ever—because my mood has been shot to shit. Wheeling around on my two men, they stand in still shock of what they've done.

"Susan-sama," Fu blubbers nervously and I give him the dirtiest look ever.

"Oh now I'm your boss but when you're barging into my room, I'm not. What the hell was that?" I scold harshly. Vito puts his hands up but I walk up to him, poking my finger into his soft stomach. Switching languages, I continue on with my angry rant. _"You have no excuse. You have no right to storm into my room when you have been saying for me to take back my own boyfriend who I've been dating for months!"_

"_Suzanna, can you put some clothes on?"_ Vito squeals as I poke harder.

I still stand in my underwear and have found the others have entered the room, my entire counsel getting shamed by me half naked. The twins are nervously shifting, averting their eyes for my own comfort. It's Kou who comes to me, taking off his own shirt and forcing it over my head, leaving me with a shirt barely going over the round of my butt. This doesn't help break my momentum though because I'm on a fucking roll and all the anger that has been building up for days is finally released.

"You guys don't get a say if I sleep with Ritsu or not anymore. You guys lost that right when you willingly let me fall in love with the enemy," I scream at them all. The cousins look like they want to escape but I put my finger up to hold them hostage. They still in their pajamas and hide behind their respective twin partners.

"We care about you and we wanted you to be happy," Fu argues. I give him a wide-eyed and disbelieving look.

"No, don't pull that shit on me. You lied to me when you knew full well I had the utmost faith in you. Now that I am actually going back to how I was with the boy, you guys ruin it all."

I am hysterical. You can tell I'm really pissed by the way my accent is so heavy and the hesitation between phrases as I pick the words in the correct language. My anger overflows as they manifest as angry tears. Goddamnit. I was finally relieved and happy with Ritsu and these guys just kicked him out. I wasn't scared and everything was going so smoothly and they put a wrench into my fucking messed up machine of a mind. Though, did I really want that?

"We should have known better," Aiko breaks my furious pacing.

"We're sorry," Hideo continues on.

"But as much as you feel like an adult you're still a child, under age, and I don't believe you should have been doing what you were doing," Fu chides. I look at the bald man with a dubious look.

"Fu, I kill people for a living and I can't have sex with my steady boyfriend?" I ask with a disbelieving frown. The man crosses his arm over his yukata and shakes his head. The man is really my father in this country and he isn't taking any of my teenage shit.

"No you are not allowed. Marriage is a good start to a relationship," he argues swiftly. I snort as look to the others. They don't give any clue to how they will weigh in and Vito is the only one who actually makes eye contact—but that's only because he doesn't know what is going on.

"You're saying that I, a fucking mob boss, have to wait until I'm married to have sex?" Fu nods again and I shake my head over and over and over. "Fu, I'm not a virgin. I am not pure and Ritsu knows that and he's fine with it. Why can't I just, just, pretend that everything is fine? I'm not supposed to be married. I'm just supposed to be with him like this. I just need him like this."

"Susan," Kou whispers in shock as the silence fills the bedroom. I bite my lip so hard that I can start to taste the metallic liquid.

"I just don't want him to leave again," I whisper as I close my eyes and see Ritsu's fleeing back. If I give partly into my emotions, then I'll do something that I haven't thought of but the boy won't leave. While I open my eyes, the others look at me worriedly but silent.

"He won't leave you. He isn't going to leave you but this isn't what you need to do right now," Hana whispers in the dead silence.

No one knows what to say about my confession of being tainted let alone what to say about me wanting to be with Ritsu. Kou walks up to me, slipping arms around my waist as I cry a bit. Was I really going to have sex? I know Ritsu would have stopped if I asked but would I have the strength to ask? I can't tell but I know this is a new conversation I have to have with the boy. Kou tightens his arms around me and the warm safety fills me.

"He isn't going to leave and if he is, we aren't going to let him back to hurt you."

"But you guys let him love me. You guys were so cruel to let me fall in love with him but now tell me that I can't be with him. I just want to be with him."

"Makeup sex isn't the answer Susan," Kou argues with me. I can see his point but I shake my head.

"This is my life; I can do what I want. I can take care of myself," I hiss without weight.

"I know but we want to be there to protect you too. We want to protect you," Kou says pleadingly.

I bite my lip a bit harder before I sigh. There is no reason that I should deny them. they just wanted to keep me safe. For all I know, they thought that Ritsu was doing something terrible. Though it doesn't give them the right to burst in, they were just trying to protect me. They messed up badly and now they just want to make it up to me, albeit going the total opposite of the lax routine they had before.

"You guys are crazy."

"We'll protect you Susan. Let us protect you," Kou begs me and I nod as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I'll let you protect me."

And in that moment, I trusted my gang once again. Somehow through the weeks of uncertainty and fear, they crawled back into my heart. Just like how Ritsu crawled back to me. And the roles which I had set in place had changed. The ones that I vowed to stand by and fight the world with became my protectors and the boy who wanted to protect me ended up at my side. The host club was with me too, standing closely as they helped me along the road with my heart. Everything that I have ever dreamt of having has fallen into my lap as school began again while the leaves began to fall.

Though, I think this was how life for me was supposed to be; I had the protection of a gang, the reassurance of friends and the happiness of a lover. Things all fell back into place as autumn began, though my problems had just begun.

* * *

**Okay so everything in my life might not be falling apart, but it totally is, so I'm very sorry for the late update. I've been busy with one of my friends who is depressed-also doesn't help that I have a total fucking crush on her now-and school has been super crazy. I've also just been so against writing that this took me too long to write but the motivation just kept slipping because of stress. My habits are getting better, ergo the update. I've also really stopped some bad habits, not turning in homework, chewing my nails to the point they bleed, and some other really terrible stuff. So hopefully I'll update much sooner this time. Also I'll let you guys when the chapter turns into smut because I think we're going to attempt to write that soon, I don't know. Is it good? Like the actual almost sex scenes that I kinda bait you guys with? I know it's not the best but I haven't really researched how to do it all that much so it's still a little off for me. So, sorry for the late update. Please comment for the chapter so I get some input for the sex. **

**As always, loves yous guys and follow, fave, review, obsess. **


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